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BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Steve Shaw 23 May 17 - 06:33 AM
Donuel 18 May 17 - 09:06 PM
Steve Shaw 18 May 17 - 08:28 PM
Donuel 18 May 17 - 02:02 PM
Donuel 18 May 17 - 01:58 PM
Donuel 18 May 17 - 01:49 PM
Norval 17 May 17 - 10:03 PM
Joe_F 17 May 17 - 06:03 PM
Mrrzy 16 May 17 - 10:42 PM
Joe_F 16 May 17 - 09:06 PM
Donuel 16 May 17 - 09:08 AM
Mrrzy 16 May 17 - 08:11 AM
Georgiansilver 08 May 17 - 06:55 AM
Joe_F 07 May 17 - 06:00 PM
Joe_F 06 May 17 - 08:49 PM
Jim Carroll 05 May 17 - 07:21 PM
Mrrzy 05 May 17 - 10:33 AM
Mrrzy 05 May 17 - 12:10 AM
Jim Carroll 01 May 17 - 04:01 AM
Jim Carroll 01 May 17 - 03:10 AM
Mrrzy 30 Apr 17 - 11:39 PM
Donuel 20 Apr 17 - 09:33 PM
Mrrzy 19 Apr 17 - 09:56 AM
HuwG 19 Apr 17 - 09:26 AM
gillymor 10 Apr 17 - 10:44 AM
Donuel 10 Apr 17 - 09:57 AM
Donuel 10 Apr 17 - 09:02 AM
Donuel 09 Apr 17 - 06:49 PM
Steve Shaw 09 Apr 17 - 06:32 PM
Roger the Skiffler 09 Apr 17 - 11:04 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Apr 17 - 09:43 AM
Donuel 08 Apr 17 - 05:37 PM
JMB 07 Apr 17 - 07:09 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Apr 17 - 06:52 PM
Joe_F 07 Apr 17 - 06:27 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Apr 17 - 09:05 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Apr 17 - 07:41 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Apr 17 - 06:24 PM
Joe_F 06 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM
Jim Carroll 06 Apr 17 - 12:09 PM
Seamus Kennedy 05 Apr 17 - 10:09 PM
Donuel 05 Apr 17 - 01:18 PM
Donuel 05 Apr 17 - 01:04 PM
Andrez 05 Apr 17 - 08:14 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Apr 17 - 07:33 AM
Donuel 04 Apr 17 - 11:06 PM
Donuel 04 Apr 17 - 10:44 PM
Steve Shaw 04 Apr 17 - 06:15 PM
Joe_F 04 Apr 17 - 06:00 PM
Bill D 04 Apr 17 - 02:02 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 May 17 - 06:33 AM

I've just been reading about crime in multi-storey car parks. It seems wrong on so many different levels.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 09:06 PM

(Trump under oath)
Mueller: President Trump, was there collusion with Russia?

Donald: There was no co-illusion

Mueller: what was that?

There was no conclusion
:again please
There was no coal fusion
:could you speak into the mike?
There was no coal lit Shaun
:Please, was there collusion yes or no?
There was no collision
:I will ask you one last time!
There was um, confusion with Russia


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 17 - 08:28 PM

Shamelessly nicked from today's Guardian, and Lenny Bruce for that matter.

The Lone Ranger and his faithful sidekick Tonto are surrounded by Injuns and facing certain death.

The Lone Ranger says, "This time, old friend, it looks like we're finished."

Tonto replies, "What's with the 'we,' white man?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 02:02 PM

Reporter: What?

Spicer: Second base


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 01:58 PM

Spicer: Yes he is.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 01:49 PM

Mr. Spicer, President Trump is angry over which hunt?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Norval
Date: 17 May 17 - 10:03 PM

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks,
"How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long
hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 17 - 06:03 PM

Mrrzy: I didn't realize it was from a movie. Marx Brothers, at a guess.

Two old Jews sit down in a deli. One orders a glass of tea. The other says, "I'll have a glass of tea too, and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with two glasses of tea & asks, "Which one wanted the clean glass?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 May 17 - 10:42 PM

Joe_F, now, that was a fun movie.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 May 17 - 09:06 PM

"Waiter, come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 17 - 09:08 AM

AP: according to 172 witnesses President Trump shot a man in the middle of 5th Ave. The man was charged with obstruction of bullet and impeding traffic. President Trump tweeted "I did not shoot that man, it is a fake shooting, I was only checking to see if my gun was loaded."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 May 17 - 08:11 AM

The thing about communism jokes is that everybody gets them.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 May 17 - 06:55 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, when his ninetieth Birthday came along. The staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippogram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked ''What do you want''?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied ''I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx''!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied '' I think I'll have the soup''.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 May 17 - 06:00 PM

"I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you, sir!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 17 - 08:49 PM

In the good old days, the _Vulgarian Digest_ made up a letters column, which contained the following exchange:

Dear Appie: Is it best to approach a sheep from behind, or to roll it over and lay on top?
Deprived

Dear Depraved: Is the sheep male or female? And for that matter, are you male or female?

*

An Australian sailor, in a red-light district for the first time, met a lady who met his advances more than half way. She took him up to her room, and then ducked into the bathroom to powder her nose. When she came out, she found that he had piled all the furniture in one corner. When she expressed surprise, he explained: "I'm from outback, and I don't know much about women, but if it's anything like kangaroos we'll need all the room we can get."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 May 17 - 07:21 PM

A Young Australian man takes a job as a shearer on a remote station in the Outback
After a few weeks he was doing fine except he was beginning to miss female company, so he mentioned it to his mates one morning
"What do you do for women around here?"
"Not much you can do mate; if you get really desperate, try the sheep".
He ignores the advice, and decides to knuckle down to the job, until after another few weeks he's beginning to climb the walls.
He says, "You don't really do it with the sheep' do you?"
Course we do mate, how do you think we survive?"
"But don't people laugh at you".
"Nah mate", it's a problem we all have".
So he asks his neighbour how he goes about it.
"Well, you climb into the pen, pick the one you fancy and get on with it".
"And nobody laughs?"
"We told you, we all do it mate".
So he does as advised, grabs a sheep and starts to relieve the pressure.
When he's finished, he turns around and all his mates are rolling about pointing and laughing at him.
"but you told me you all did it", he says.
"Yeah, we do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 May 17 - 10:33 AM

... and your proctologist?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 May 17 - 12:10 AM

Darling, my gynecologist says I can't have sex for a week!

-What did your dentist say?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 17 - 04:01 AM

Queen Victoria is being conducted around a military hospital on a morale-boosting execrcise during the Crimean War
She arrives at the first bed and asks, "what are you being treated for soldier?"
"Syphilis, ma-am", came the reply.
Unfazed, she asked, "and what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush, ma-am" came the reply.
"and what's your ambition?" she asked.
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable", she said, and moved on.
At the next stop - the same proceedure.
"What are you being treated for?"
"Piles ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable"
Next bed
"What are you being treated for?"
"Pyorrhea of the gums ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get ttreated before those other two dirty bastards ma-am", came the reply
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 17 - 03:10 AM

Thre domestic science teacher asked the class to bring in something medical for the next lesson.
Little Mary brought in a first aid kit - the teacher said, "that's excellent Mary, just what we wanted"
Tommy brought in a little box containing a selection of things they used to remove splinters - tweezers, a needle, a bottle of TCP, some cotton- wool"
"Excellent, Tommy".
Suddenly, the door burst open and in walked the tearaway of the class wheeling an iron lung.
The teacher and the class where astounded.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the teacher
"It's my father's", came the reply.
Didn't he say anything when you took it?", asked the teacher
"Yes sir - aaaaaagggggghhhhhhgg!!"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Apr 17 - 11:39 PM

OK, the contest was, pick any 2 real or fictional people, and say something about their putative offspring, gender of famous people irrelevant.

My favorite musical one was, the child of Paul Ryan [Obamacare would-be relealer] and Johnny Cash would take away your health care, just to watch you die.

My totally favorite one was, and if you didn't watch the tv show you won't get it, the child of Dick van Dyke and Timothy Leary would always be tripping on the ottoman.

The rest are here, for your amusement.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 17 - 09:33 PM

Creative Justice;

Bill O'Reilly was offered his job back under the condition he acquiesce and be harassed into consummating a sexual liaison with Bertha the 279 lb Fox set furniture mover, with all the female FOX employees watching on closed circuit TV.

He took the golden parachute.




Remember There outta be a law?
How about There outta be Justice?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Apr 17 - 09:56 AM

My nephew was on the insult dog show!   But back to jokes.

Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
A: Tokemon!

(it's about to be 4/20 in the US...)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: HuwG
Date: 19 Apr 17 - 09:26 AM

This will sadden anyone who appreciates the '60s...

I recently cleared out a lot of Dusty Springfield memorabilia.

Now I don't know what to do with my shelf.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 10:44 AM

Don, I've known a lot of people who didn't think Rickles was particularly funny, myself included, even before PC became part of the modern lexicon so give the scolding act a rest will ya.
Now, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, THAT'S an insult comic.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 09:57 AM

Speaking of dead comics, Why did no one make tribute to or mention of the ultimate snub by Don Rickles by dying. Are we so PC as to not honor the man who kept his finger on the third rail for over 60 years.
He was known as Mr. warmth who led with making fun of the ugly truth yet he never discriminated. Everyone really wanted to be insulted by Don.

Think about how similar Donald Trump is to Don Rickles, but without the warmth. They are both the Merchant of Venom.

Perhaps dead was the average age of Don's fans but if you ever saw him you know you laughed.

Just incase you are a PC snob, ironically you are so because of Don.

So here is to the real life Mr. Potato Head, Don Rickles, a Kelly hero and a man who made life more fun.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 09:02 AM

* Thank you Victor Borga


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 06:49 PM

Before I play a ukulele medley I say "I normally don't like a lot of talking before anyone plays but I have one question; "Who here likes ukulele music?" - no matter what anyone says, I say - "That's too bad".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 06:32 PM

One of my old chestnuts but I don't care.

Little boy goes into the frozen food shop. He says to the man, "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseyes pissoles please, mister."

The man frowns, then smiles. "Ahah, little boy, I think I know what you want, but it's an R, not a P!"

"OK," says the little boy, "can I have a packet of Birdseyes arseholes then please, mister."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 11:04 AM

Just been to an Alan Barnes gig- his announcement jokes are as always worth the admission price.
"We#'re going to play a Latin number next. I always think to play one of those you need at least one Brazilian in the band. I'm not going to say which of us has it..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 09:43 AM

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy road. Suddenly, the light turned amber just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crossing, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the crossroads.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and honked the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the crossroads.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious policeman. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the charge desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, annoying the man in front of you and swearing loudly at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the rear screen.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 05:37 PM

The grade school Republican Golf Club was invited to Mara Lago and were told to write a question on a card for the President. Richard's card was on top. The President read it and started mumbling.
It said "Your fans would like to know what urine 2 besides golf"
He read the second card 'Do you use a long or short putter?'
Tight lipped he read the next "How close do you get to the hole without it going in?"
Donald turns to the chaperone and yells WHAT DO YOU TEACH THESE KIDS and stormed out.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 07:09 PM

A Sunday School teacher was quizzing her class. She asked them who created the universe. Mary was akeep so Johnny poked her in the back with a pin. She woke up and cried God Almighty. The teacher said That is correct Mary. She asked who God's son was who died on the cross and rose three days later. Mary was asleep again and Johnny poked her in the back and she cries Jesus Christ. The teacher says right again Mary. She asks what did Eve say to Adam after their twenty seventh child. (Or how many kids they had, can't remember the number). Mary is asleep again and Johnny pokes her in the back and she cries If you stick that thing in me again I'm going to break it in two.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 06:52 PM

A tenuous link with that joke, Joe, but it reminded me of one from many years ago, when Jimmy Hill, Gawd bless 'im, was the main football man on British telly.

Little boy says to his teacher, "Miss, does that Jimmy Hill on telly spend a lot of time on board ships?"

"That's a funny question," says the teacher, "Why do you ask?"

Well, Miss, every time Jimmy Hill comes on telly my Dad shouts at him, 'Jimmy Hill, you anchor!'"
.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 06:27 PM

When my father was in the Navy, ca. 1920, he was an engineer & spent most of his time in shipyards. However, it seems that they did put him on a ship one time, and while he was being sick, a real sailor came up behind him and said "If you feel something hairy & round come up, swallow it down quick, because that'll be your asshole."

I have often thought that that has the makings of a song in it, tho I haven't gotten around to it. The chorus would be

    Roll, pitch, yaw,
    Surge, sway, heave!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 09:05 PM

A bodhran owner, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After a little while, the bodhran man says "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says "You're a bodhran owner, aren't you?"

The bodhran man, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says "That big red one is the radiator."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 07:41 PM

Knew a bloke whose willy was exactly twelve inches long, but he didn't use it as a rule.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 06:24 PM

Went to one of Humph's jazz concerts in Exeter, just six weeks before he died, though he was hale and hearty that evening. He told a joke that he said he'd got from Barry Cryer:

"Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No, but I once told a pig to piss off."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM

A prospective immigrant to Australia was asked, "Have you ever been arrested?" He raised his eyebrows & replied, "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 12:09 PM

German industrialist in a bar sstands up to walk ot and falls flat on his face
The barman looks up and says "Schindler's pissed"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 10:09 PM

A German visiting Poland for the first time. Polish border guard asks "Name, please." "Gunther Schmidt", says the German.
"And where do you live?"   "Berlin."
"Occupation?"   "Oh God no! Just a vacation."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 01:18 PM

edit

Donald, did you eat all those cookies for the party?
"mmph" (mouth full of cookies), I believe Brother gwabbed my private parts."
NO I DIDN'T He j...
WHAT!! Freddy go to your suite without dinner!
Are you alright Donnie dear?
"mmph."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 01:04 PM

The Early Art of Diversion:

Donald did you all those cookies?

MMph, mouth full, "Brother gwabbed my private parts"

NO I DID'T He j...

WHAT ! Freddy go to your suite without dinner. Are you all right Donnie?

"mmph"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 08:14 AM

I agree with Steve lets be done with Alt humour and just have a good laugh at some funny jokes!

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 07:33 AM

Put on your best German accent for the punchline.


Met a bloke at the Olympics carrying a big long stick.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked him.

"No, I'm German," he replied, "but how did you know my name was Walter?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 11:06 PM

FOX news has spent 32 million dollars for 2 old white guys to sexually misbehave. Jeesh, I've been behaving sexually for free.

Roger Ailes became a Trump surrogate
Bill O'Reilly still makes 18 million/yr
I did not know sexual harassment pays so well.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 10:44 PM

Yah Vold Capitan, I know nothing, noo thing.

"whats the good news?"

"your 24 hours started yesterday"

"mortality is a pre-existing condition".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 06:15 PM

Let's stick to telling jokes, chaps and chapesses. This thread is getting to be the bloody opposite of a good laugh, and, Jaysus, do we need one!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 06:00 PM

21. What a way to spend Easter!
22. A disgusting young man named McGill
23. Give your girl a fabulous Gruen...
24. ...Look at these gas bills.
25. Can't you do anything right?
26. Between your legs...
27. May the President play thru?...
28. I had a little accident.
29. Dammit, they keep slipping in...
30. Go out in the rain and...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 02:02 PM

Donuel's list missed a few:

"Thursday's your day in the barrel"

"The whole shovelful, Miss Kitty"


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