Great Put-Downs

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 07:43 AM

They're all coming back now – I hate these threads!
A few of the most devastating put downs by the more mature young Liverpool women to younger boys.
"Come back when you've got hairs on it"
Or
"What do you mean, that's all?"
Or
"Put it under the pillow; I'll smoke it in the morning"
Or
"Your big brother told me you might be callin' 'round"

The heady days of youth eh?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 11:31 AM

Liverpool schoolteacher Peter Moloney made a brief name for himself in the 1960s by recording stories from his kids and broadcasting them
He tells of two scuffy Scouse kids waking along the road alongside Childwall Abbey one dinnertime when they saw a very elderly be-robed and long-bearded monk walking towards them.
One of them asks, "Ay father, woz yous in the Ark?"
Outraged, the monk replied, "Of course I wasn't, you stupid boy".
"Why wern't yous drowned then?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: GUEST,Mike Yates
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 10:41 AM

daithi's Dr Johnson put down reminds me that George Bernard Shaw kept a stack of printed postcards, which he sent to budding authors. The postcards said: Thank you for your unsolicited manuscript. I shall waste no time in reading it. GBS.

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 02:11 PM

Groucho Marx, who bhosted an early T.V. show called, 'Who Do You Trust', in which married couples would come on and answer questions, or defer to the other to make the right answer.
One such contestant couple came on, and the man said to Grouch, "My wife has been waiting for years to be on you show, to be insulted by you."...To which Groucho reared back his head, looked her up and down, then him..then her again, then said to the man, "Well after looking at your wife, for just a moment, I'm surprised, you couldn't think of your own insults!"

Got 'em both!!

GfS

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 02:13 PM

Wynton Marsalis told of a saxophonist bandmate who said to him "I'm afraid I might sound too much like Coltrane" to which he replied "That's something you ain't never gonna have to worry about."

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 05:15 PM

unnamed sax player: i can never work out how to finish my solo...
Miles Davis: you take the fucking thing out of your mouth...

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 06:05 PM

A certain professor of psychology was annoyed because the same female student, time after time, sat in the front row and knitted while he lectured. Thinking it undignified to order her about, he slipped into his lecture a casual remark that knitting was a substitute for masturbation. She raised her hand and said "Professor ----, when I masturbate, I masturbate, and when I knit, I knit."

(I used to hear this told about a particular psychologist, but since he publicly denied it, I am letting him rest in peace.)

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 07:29 PM

Artie Shaw supposedly said of Benny Goodman, his arch-rival, "he couldn't improvise a belch after a Hungarian dinner" which he probably copped from Fred Allen who said it of Jack Benny's ad-libbing skill.

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: robomatic
Date: 04 Jun 17 - 11:24 AM

I heard this live off the radio from Boston, about a sitting President, strangely not the one we got now:

"President __________ couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel!"

It's an old U.S. Army line, but apt and succinct. When I heard it broadcast off a popular rock station, it was new to me.

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: kendall
Date: 04 Jun 17 - 08:24 PM

I did a set at a bluegrass festival for a friend. He asked me to sing a particular song about a dog.
There was a nit wit walking back and forth in front of the audience saying, "I can spell dog, "DOG"..I can also spell cat, "CAT". then he realized that I was giving him "the look". he looked up at me with a sheepish smirk on his puss, and when I said to him, "It's ok, keep going, I can't wait 'til you get to chrysanthemum." he headed for the exit to a great clapping. He never came back.

In Scotland, a couple of the audience asked if they might be permitted to heckle me. Never had that before, or after. One did ask a funny question.

An old friend of mine had a daughter who didn't take prisoners. She worked in this joint, and some pie eyed sot said to her, "I'd like to get into your pants." She replied, "What for, there is already one ass hole in them."

I tell this one in the first person because it scans better.
I was served by a beautiful waitress, and I asked her, "Where were you when I was single and available"? She said, "I wasn't born yet."

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: robomatic
Date: 04 Jun 17 - 09:42 PM

Rossini:

"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour."

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: meself
Date: 04 Jun 17 - 11:58 PM

George Bernard Shaw: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jun 17 - 02:39 AM

I've used it, but I can't remember whence it came.

To a heckler: "Why Frank, all this time I thought you were a wit, and then I find that I'm only half right!"

Fortunately he was a friend, and almost choked laughing.

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: Paul Reade
Date: 12 Jun 17 - 09:26 AM

Dennis Skinner MP: "Half the Tory party are crooks"
Mr Speaker: "Withdraw that remark"
Dennis Skinner MP: "Sorry - Half the Tory party are not crooks!"

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Jun 17 - 06:10 PM

That recalls the story of the first mate who wrote in the ship's log, "The captain was drunk last night." When the captain made it clear that that would not do, the mate changed "drunk" to "sober".

Subject: RE: Great Put-Downs
From: Jack Campin
Date: 12 Jun 17 - 08:51 PM

I think this has been the best putdown of the latest UK election, from a police community account on Twitter after the count showed how many seats she'd lost:

Dear Theresa, it's not the number of MPs that counts it's how you use them. You have to do more with less that's all.

    — Police Community (@PolComForum) June 9, 2017