Song Challenge! Part 10

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 10:29 AM

From a recent National Public Radio show segment:

Mr. Patrick Wright is serving time in the George F. Bailey Detention Facility in Otay Mesa, California for brandishing a knife at police and for illegal possession of ferrets. He went in February 8th and he gets out Friday February 25th, at 12:01am. In California, unlike most states in the U.S., keeping ferrets as pets is illegal. He picked up the knife when the police burst through his door during a raid to take possession of his four pet ferrets. "I like to believe I live in a free country . . . in California . . . it's like we're dealing with Stalin . . . it's completely un-American," says Mr. Wright. His fellow inmates in the county jail at first didn't believe he'd been arrested for ferret possession. However, after they'd seen his picture in the local newspaper, they began calling him 'Ferretman'. He told the court that he is sorry about the knife incident, but still defends his right to keep ferrets. The appeal of ferrets he says, '. . . they're like little clowns . . . they're Prozac with legs."

The Challenge is to write a song welcoming Mr. Wright home from the county jail and/or defending his right to keep ferrets! "Land of the brave, home of the free and the ferret!" Let's not go for the obvious low-humor or the easy laugh on this one -- 'Bawdy' is fine, but let's not sink to 'nasty', OK? Think 'subtle'!

GO FOR IT, CHALLENGE!RS!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 10:39 AM

Wait, wait ... are you elevating the tone of these challenges by raising our admittedly lowclass sights to...ferrets???

Aine, Aine...can't we talk about this? Ferrets?

I knew a guy kept two in the Village and they were like Prozac on legs, with sharp little teeth..

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 10:47 AM

Dear Amos,

I think you've already started writing your song there, dear heart . . .

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 10:50 AM

Aw geez..and I promised to do taxes today!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Troll
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:01 AM

Did mine early! nyah, nyah, nyah

Seriously,Amos. This one's all yours. I didn't sleep at all last night(emergency root canal yesterday) and it's finally caught up! I'll see y'all tonight.I'm for bed.

troll TTFN

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:05 AM

Well, that's enough to tip anyone into the cauldron, mate. Sleep well. Let the madness pass, and wakeup to sunlight...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:31 AM

Dear Troll,

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt AND the postcard! Take it easy and here's hoping that you recover quickly. If you feel like doing something tomorrow or Sunday, go ahead.

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Metchosin
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 12:22 PM

Don't be so hard on the little guys, eh, especially the females. Talk about driven, when they become sexually mature they go into permanent estrous and unless they become pregnant they will die. You have to spay them to save them from their driving passions. Hmmm.........guess that sort of explains one of my favorite expressions.."rutting away like crazed weasels".

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Troll
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 12:32 PM

Maybe I'll give it a shot after all. I can't seem to sleep. I just keep drifting. In and out, in and out..

troll

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 02:44 PM

Old Man Troll is a favorite pal
Welcome back from your root canal!
Is head is full of Nembutal
Welcome back from your root canal!
His jaw is swollen up like lard
Man that dentist's chair is hard
And now he's flaked out in the yard.
Recovering from a root canal, ohh

New bridge! Betcha need a crown!
New bridge and deductible is down!
But I sure you will recover,
You're still our favorite pal!
And we know you will get over your
Roooot canal!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 03:45 PM

I can actually HEAR that.... must be a Friday thing!

Whaddya MEAN it's Monday? I lost a whole fockin' WEEKEND?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 05:53 PM

Though this challenge has its merits
Noone's written about ferrets
ANd from Nome to Finisterre, it's
Clear not many have th einspiration in hand to compose ditties about those damn ferrets...

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Troll
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 06:19 PM

Amos! YOU DA MAN!!

Thanks so much for the song and the support.

I'm not in any pain because of the Loricet, but it's very hard to focus my thoughts. Still, I should be off the drugs by tomorrow.The penicillin is taking care of the infection and, yes, I will need a crown.

The worst part of it is,we always got our dental insurance through my Wifes job-she's a teacher- and this year they decided not to offer a dental plan! So we are on our own!

But, it could be worse. It could be Monday.

troll

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 08:42 PM

The True Story of Patrick Wright's Wrong-Doing (Tune: Bally Jame's Bluff)

Patrick Wright, sir, was born out in warm California
Where weirdoes cavort by the sea.
And he always enjoyed things a privileged boy
Has when born to the land of the free.
He had his own cell-phone by the time he was 12,
And a "Woody" before twenty-one!
A happy white male growing under the law
In the land of the free and the sun!

He began his career selling sweet Baby's Tears
In a Home Depot garden display
And by learning the ropes and by staying quite stoked,
He soon managed the whole garden bay
So the future looked bright, and the pay was all right,
And he thought he might soon take a wife!
But young Wright's aspirations were tumbled as soon
As two young ferrets entered his life!

Now the thing was begun all in innocent fun,
He just yearned to seem different and cool,
To attract Susie Lake, whom he'd met on a break,
A young student at hairdresser's school.
Young Patrick looked 'round and he rapidly found
The coolest and newest thing yet!
Two ferrets quite rare, a beautiful pair
In the classified ads, under "Pets".

Now this stunt was successful, and not very stressful;
Young Susie surrendered her keep
On the very first kiss, and with unfathomed bliss
In her hairdresser's arms he did sleep
But early next morning from his dreams he was torn
By the light of a flashing blue glare!
And a terrible pounding on his  front door was sounding,
And a cop yelling "We know you're there!"

It was just before dawn, and young Susie was gone
And Patrick, afraid for his life
Staggered up to his feet, with his mind half asleep
And picked up a large sushi knife
As he opened the door, he was slammed to the floor,
And by three cops was brutally mugged!
And his head it was ringing, his poor face was stinging
And they rolled him away to the jug.

Now the judge made the claim, in the State's noble name
That he'd broken the law and done harm!
And for keeping those ferrets, he would quickly inherit
SIx months in the County's worst farm!
Though he protests and cries and all wrong he denies
The inmates there grant it no merit!
They are sure it's a crime, for which he's doing time,
And have taken to calling him "Ferrett".

While he stands at the fence in a pose of repentance
There's a young lawyer  out on a flail
He is Ronnie McBurney, prosecuting attorney,
Who sent our young Patrick to jail
And he pulls up before  old Sherriff Lake's door
And he's only a few minutes late,
Gives a handshake in peace to that chief of police
And runs Susy Lake out on a date!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 09:14 PM

Dear Amos,

What can I say? And here I thought I'd finally stumped ya! You will be sending this to me via mydocsonline now, won't ya? Well done, sir! I'm still working on mine, to the tune of an old Beatles song -- but, it is HOCKEY night, and we're playing the Blackhawks (long time rivalry, as Dallas used to be the farm team for Chicago back in the dark ages) -- so, I'll be completing my little ditty later.

Maith thú, a stór!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 09:45 PM

So the constitution doesn't recognise the right to bear ferrets? If it had been a dog or a cat you know, it wouldn't be seen as funny.

They were sweet little creatures,
when they weren't trying to eat you,
as Quentin once said of the folk of New York.
They were safer than houses,
sure, they were safe in me trousers -
when the time came around for to go for a walk.

But the police came a calling
with shouting and bawling
to steal me ferrets, with no reason or rhyme.
In this country a rifle
is only a trifle
but it seems that a ferret is some kind of crime.

So Pat pulled out his knife
to protect his pets' life
but they soon overpowered him and took him away
and when he came out of prison
his ferrets were missing -
in this land of the free and this home of the brave.

And if this land was your land
and this land was my land
then there's something gone wrong, it's been stolen away.
But be warned, California,
now me ferrets are gone - ya'll
be under my curse, till the Great Judgement Day..

Or NELL FLAHERTY'S DRAKE could be rewritten for the occasion.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 09:55 PM

Oh Kevin! That's a Harp Ribbon winner without doubt!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Mbo
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 10:44 PM

Um....didn't Dallas Starts used to be Minnesota North Stars?

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:16 PM

As the Goddess Commands...why is it I am always sending megabytes up to the Goddess when its hockey night? ...sigh...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:22 PM

Kevin -- we used up "Nell Flaherty's Drake" on the chicken song -- remember? Well. . . you can use it again on ferrets if you really want ... .
.
"That dear ferrett heart had teeth that were sharp, .
he would squirm like an earth worm and bite like a bee....
Bad cess to the pigs with their guns and their sticks,
who stole both my dear-hearted ferrets from me..." .
.
You can use the curses from the chicken song if its any help...
.
A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:36 PM

(I wish I had some ferrets right now to send up the pants of the Chicago Blackhawks!! We lost in OT, 4 to 3 -- but the officiating was crap, I have to say . . . sorry, I just had to get that off my chest . . .)

Now, here's my little ditty. I know that it doesn't hold a candle to Kevin's or Amos' efforts; but, I had to do it, didn't I?

Ferretman's Lament
(Tune: If I Fell)

Since I fell in love with you,
And I promised to be true,
The fuzz don't understand.
They came bursting through my door,
And they made me really sore,
I had to take a stand.

They are taking me down to
the jail tonight,
And they're taking you away
beyond the light,
I know,
'Cuz I kept on saying no
to them,
When they wanted you to go
Away.

As I sit now in my cell,
I have to say,
That the law can
go to hell,
Then I'll keep my little pals,
'Cuz they can't keep me away
from you,
Even though they say you run
wild in the loo.

Though the guys down in Block D
make fun of me,
I'll stand up in court,
you'll see,
Take the third degree for you,
You're my Prozac on four legs,
And yet,
Up in the air will be your pegs
at the vets.

As I walk into the night,
I still see the sight
When you nipped the boys
in blue,
You were stuck like glue
to them,
But my life will ne'er be right,
it's through,
Since I fell in love with you.
Since I fell in love with you. (In 4-part harmony)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:46 PM

(Cheers, whistles, clapping)Oh, God!!! Paul! Paul! John! John!! Ooooooooooooooo!!!!!!(Screams, cries, swoons, whistles)Oh, God!!! Ringo, Ringo!!! Ooooooh!!!!! Geoooooooooorge!!!! ooooooooooo!!!(Repeat and fade) (Enter Ed Sullivan, shaking his jowels and rubbing his hands)Good shew!!! Reallly good shew!!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 12:11 AM

Thank yew, thank yew very much!

After listening to your song, dear Amos, I have to say it is yet another Harp Ribbon winner!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 12:16 AM

Dear ÁIne, grá mo chroí :

Thank you for your kindness, I am but an egg and unworthy; I feel completely fulfilled now...

Maybe we both need to go see the folks over at the Neil Young Center...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:16 AM

For you, housecalls!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Barky
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:31 AM

Patty Wright's Crazy Life
(to the tune of Tim Finnegan's Wake)

Patrick Wright was a crazy man,
He kept four ferrets in his bed.
He'd feed them Prozac night and morn',
And when they died, he'd have new ones born.
Now Pat had a bit of a clowny way,
With a love of the ferret, Pat was born,
And to help him on with his work each day,
He'd a "pet" with his ferrets every morn'!

Whack for your ferret,
Dance to your Prozac,
Hit your ferrets on the floor.
Why don't ya go now, have some fun?
Play with your ferrets one time more.

Now one day the cops got a lead,
to where a guy was keeping pets
that were not legal for to breed,
That is correct, it's our friend Pat.
Now Pat, he loved his pets.
He would do anything for them.
So on the coppers, he pulled a knife, and now's got ten years in the pen.

Whack for your ferret,
Dance to your Prozac,
Hit your ferrets on the floor.
Why don't ya go now, have some fun?
Play with your ferrets one time more.

Our Patty, he was feelin' bad,

About the way he treated the cops.
He told the other inmates how he was sad,
Now let's just say they're hurtin' his chops!
His ferrets, well they're farin' well.
They're living in Berlin.
They're glad to be away from that raging hell,
And living on free gin.

Whack for your ferret,
Dance to your Prozac,
Hit your ferrets on the floor.
Why don't ya go now, have some fun?
Play with your ferrets one time more.

~Barky

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:43 AM

great!!!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Barky
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:48 AM

Aw shux!

~Barky

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 09:38 AM

Hell, I better go shop for a new mantlepiece, Barky...just for your cowpies. I think you have a future in this racket, which makes me very sad. (:>)) A good songwriter is a sign of a wasted youth, y'know...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Troll
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM

AWRIGHT AWREADY!! I'M WORKIN ON IT! I'M WORKIN ON IT!

And Amos, my dad always said that a good pool shot was a sure sign of a mis-spent youth so just be glad your kid's a song-writer.It could be a WHOLE lot worse.I mean she could play the bodhran!

troll

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 10:22 AM

Damn, he came out of that eerie canal with a vengeance!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 10:41 AM

Great job, Barky! You're a chip off your daddy's golden cow chip, that's for sure!

Dearest Troll, take your time, don't make your mouth hurt too much, OK? I don't want the guilt that you writing songs when you felt bad would bring me.

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 01:11 PM

Here's a site with lots of links to ferrets and people who look after them, including some doty pictures courtesy as it happens of Webferret, my favourite search engine.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:35 PM

I consulted by favourite search engine, which oddly enough is called Webferret, which always seems to come up wioth the good, and it came up with lots of links to people who love ferrets.

Here's a site called All about ferrets with a really rather charming ferret picture.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:36 PM

Don't ask me what went wrong there... But the links work fine, and it's a good-looking ferret.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Mbo
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:37 PM

Woooo Barky! Harp Ribbon for Barky! Harp Ribbon for Barky!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Barky
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 05:10 PM

Aw shucks, again! But if you insist.... =0)~

~Barky

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 05:12 PM

We're using the golden chips as credit toward a new virtual mantelpiece.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Barky
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 05:27 PM

I guess that song's not too bad for a 15 year old, eh? =)

~Barky

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Mbo
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 06:02 PM

Great for ANYONE, Barky. I was totally stumped on the challenge!

--mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 06:58 PM

I Fought for Ferrets

I fought for ferrets
But I did not stab the Deputy
I fought for ferrets
But I did not stab the Deputy

All around Otay Mesa
They trying to put me down
They say "Loco in cabesa!
There go de Ferret Clown!"

De Sheriff, he hate my rodents
so he launch de ferret attack
He say dey walking Hanta Hosts
I say dey walking Prozac
Yes and I, I want dem ferret back

(and I say)I fought for ferrets
But I didn't cut no deputy (no no)
It was me dat fought for ferrets
And de Sheriff say he doing his duty

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 07:01 PM

Wheee! You got da Rivum, LEJ -- man, what an ear. So its the Hanta thing that got them outlawed? I thought it was ecology disruption...hmmm.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 07:35 PM

Well, this is going great! I've got the awards ready and the songpages made . . . so, WHERE ARE YOU, TROLL??? Did the painkillers finally kick in?? We're waiting to hear from you, darlin'!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: GUEST,Barky(from another computer)
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 07:56 PM

HEY! Nice one, LEJ! That's one of my favorite Marley songs. (That is, next to Is This Love)

~Barky

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 08:05 PM

Barky? Where are you? Are you down at that client's in PB?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Áine
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 08:15 PM

Barky got BUSTED, Barky got BUSTED!!! Nah nee nah nee boo boo!

Mmmmmm, that sounds like the beginning of a GREAT song -- any takers on that one???

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 08:25 PM

(Tune: The Night that Old Larry Got Stretched)

The night that young Barky got busted She was meant to be fixin' computers And her folks thought she could be trusted But she's run off on an internet tooter.

(spoken) But her Pa found out!

...Well there's one verse for ye

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Mbo
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 08:30 PM

Shameful Amos! You got poor Barky out fixin' computers on a Saturday night, while you're sitting around writing songs? **BOG**

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 08:43 PM

Well the way of it is this -- she got the chance to go with her ma to a client's house, which meant she got to drive on the freeway, which is still a scarce and wonderful treat to her instead of the the hair-graying terror it is to some.

Interesting how our attitudes pale and wither as we grow scarred...anyway so she went along to be the willing chauffeuse.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 10
From: Mbo
Date: 26 Feb 00 - 08:59 PM

Why Barky's Not At Work Today

Oh dear Infamous Amos, how could you be so mean?
By sitting here a-writing songs on your computer screen?
While Barky-lass is out now at the setting of the sun
And fixing computers or Saturday night instead of having fun?

Oh the hard life of a teenager--it never ends, I fear
I'm still feeling it myself, though older by 6 year
Yer parents make you work all night when you wish to play
And when you do they chew you out, in a most annoying way
While secretly your not listening to a single word they day!

And worst of all, and most of all, they always get upset
When you're supposed to work and instead you surf the net!
And especially the Mudcat, with all it's grace & charms
Will draw you like a magnet into it's awaiting arms!

So parents all around the world, take this word from me
Berate not your poor children, for I'd much rather see
Us kids all surfing Mudcat, writing songs and more
Because the work we have to do is really quite a bore!


--Mbo