AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner

Subject: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 02:32 PM

Created by murray and inspired by Gordon Bok, the "Amish-Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner" is now available in 3 models and orders are being taken now. Be the FIRST in your seesion or local pub to possess the latest piece of musical gear. Works on beards too...or without them. You don't even have to have a moustache!!!

#########ORDER TODAY##########ORDER TODAY###########ORDER TODAY############

Place your order right away for the "Amish-Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner"!!! Choose from 3 fantastic models:

"Gordon Bok Special Edition" --- commemorates the inspiration for this fine device $49.95 US

"Collector's Special" --- Brazilian Rosewood handle is inlaid with red and green abalone depicting an Amish Farmer being eaten by a Blue Pointer. $69.95 US

"Environmentalists Delight"(Big ED) --- Cheap oak handle with the Amish Hat logo inlaid with glitter and Elmer's Glue. $29.95 US

If it says "Australian" its a "Must Have" and if it says "Amish" its got to be good!!! What could be better than the "Amish Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner?" GET YOURS TODAY!!! Send CASH ONLY plus $6.00 US Shipping and Handling to:

FLY-BY-NITE INDUSTRIES
411 Purvis Avenue
Bremen, Ohio 43107

ORDER NOW AND IT WILL BE SHIPPED THE NEXT DAY!!! This fine product can be on its way right away.....Whether or not it arrives is up to the god of your choice and Benny's Breakdown Bargain Courier Service. COMPLETE SATISFACTION OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!!! Simply send back the product unused and Fly-By-Nite will return any of your money that is unused. A PORTION OF THE SALE GOES TO SUPPORT THE MUDCAT CAFE!!! Isn't that a fine way of helping support you favorite website? Yes, ORDER NOW and SUPPORT THE MUDCAT!!!! Fly-By Nite will donate two cents of every sale after the first eight thousand units. SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!!! BUY NOW!!! SUPPORT THE MUDCAT!!! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!!! We will have only enough to fill the orders we receive.

Spaw, CEO, Fly-By-Nite, Inc.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Pinetop Slim
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 02:38 PM

The missus says to ask if that there tuner guarantees better mouth music.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 03:48 PM

As long as you hold it in the upright position so as not to stab yourself in the throat, at least it couldn't hurt!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: canoer
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 03:51 PM

Fly-by-nite....well.... it looks like nite can't come fast enough ....

Are these special mutated flies that we don't have to worry about if we get the screens on by sundown?

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: canoer
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 03:52 PM

By the way, are these endorsed by Jimmy Swaggert?

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 04:03 PM

Now, if'n ma man has one o'them thar beards wot iz long, I means really long, wood dis werk like a rayzor strop, I mean cud I holt his beard out tight and run one of them doodads along his hayre to comb the critters out an mayk muzeek, too?!! 'Cause if'n eye kin do thet, I am gonna come rite ovah theyah and git me one o'them, 'cause I don' trust none o'them deeliverree boyz and we don' wan no moh o'them flize up heyah neether, ya heayah?

So's meester Spaw, yew'uns let me no, ok?

Miz LooLoo

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 05:16 PM

Will it tune a mustache to a Dropped D?

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 07:05 PM

I'm sorry Loo-Loo, but varmint removal isn't covered in its list of functions, although it can cope with the occasional cookie crumbs.

Sorch...It will work in Dropped D as long as D stands for "drool." Of course, tuning while wet will not produce the proper tuning as the 'stache dries. BTW, just like the cookie crumbs, the AAPMT can handle dried drool flakes.

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 07:07 PM

Picture, man, Picture!!!

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 07:25 PM

Waaall, aye dunno then, meester Spaw, aye git me a man he bettah haf some of them long hairs, ya ken?! I guess'n he'll hafta com wit his own rake ta keep it neet then. Now, then wot in the warld do aye tune wit this dang thang, then? And wot does thet gareondammtee gareondamtee?

yers as alwaize,

LooLoo

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 07:55 PM

First, Fly-By-Nite has a fine guarantee. If you send back the product unused, we'll send back any of your money which WE have not used. Hard to beat something like that isn't it? Additionally, our Limited Warranty is as good as you ever get on any product. Fly-By-Nite states that every Amish Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner is free from defects associated with the materials and workmanship and is limited only by our intent to ignore all attempts by the customer to point out such defects and by our commitment to burn all such correspondence. Should there come a time that Fly-By-Nite does acknowledge such problems, they will be covered by our 50/50 warranty.....50 feet from the point of manufacture or 50 seconds, whichever comes first.

Please see the Mudcat Auction for photo details.

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 10:09 PM

BTW, each AAPMT comes with a bandaid in case your hand is unsteady and you give yourself a nasty puncture wound.

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Mbo
Date: 25 Mar 00 - 10:27 PM

My moustache will play in G,D,A, and F#, but not C! Will this work so I can?

--Mbo

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 26 Mar 00 - 08:48 AM

Hey Spaw,

Me old Oz cobbers from over the Taz will have to hitch their bowyangs up a bit, trying to pull a wrought like that. Hrumph, they can't even build a decent dunny!

Time they took their jumbucks down to the bally billabong and brewed a billy for smoko. They're out to fleece you mate! Takes a Kiwi to build a proper long curly hair tweaker..;)

Sam

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Dave Swan
Date: 26 Mar 00 - 01:29 PM

Dear Mr. Catspaw,

I am in receipt of one each of your Amish-Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuners in the Special, Collector's, and Environmentalist's editions. I find your products superior in every way. They are well-made in America and I think they should be part of every musician's tool kit.

I am quite active in local sessions and in multi-ethnic folk ensembles where I find your tuners to be of great value. It is no longer necessary to take long breaks while I re-tune my moustache, or to substitue fingering or picking patterns to accomodate other players.

Your research and development department might be interested in a modification I've made to your device. With a slight elongation of the handle it is possible to engage both the moustache and nose hair. Tuning them to suitable intervals allows the production of a whistling overtone, not unlike that produced by Tuvan throat singers. I call this the Simultaneous Nasal Overtone with Tremolo.

I must also compliment you on the portability and attractive appearance of your products. They all fit snugly in my pocket protector and add a nice dash of color. I use the brightly colored "Collector's Special" when I perform with the Bulgarian-Omani Orchestra for German-Eritrean Rondos (BOOGER). The colors of the handle compliment my embroidered vest and leather trousers.

Your "Environmentalist's Delight" is coveted by many of the members of the local folk dance association, the Franco-Lithuanian Indo-Canadian Cloggers (FLICC). Several of the members have expressed interest in adapting a tuner so that it can be used as a limberjack.

Of course the high polish and fine finish of the "Gordon Bok Special Edition" meet the refined standards of the Georgia Louisiana Indiana South Texas and East Nebraska(GLISTEN)traditional Dobro and Nose Flute Society.

Enclosed please find $455.95 for three complete sets, plus shipping and handling, for my mother and two sisters.

Sincerely,

Ira Pettersen

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 00 - 07:14 PM

Friends, that testimonial is just like so many we receive here at Fly-By-Nite. What an endorsement! How much of your musical gear gets a BOOGER FLICC GLISTENing on it? Not much, I'm sure. Thanks too for the fine suggestion for a model made just for SNOT. A superb idea!

Much obliged Ira for such a glowing endorsement, and your completely unsolicited recommendation. You have outdone yourself.

Sincerely,

Spaw
CEO, Fly-By-Nite Industries

PS: Tell Uncle Charlie he left his dentures here.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Mar 00 - 01:37 PM

And Meebo....you DEFINITELY need the SNOT model. FBN will let you know when its available.

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Gypsy
Date: 27 Mar 00 - 11:13 PM

Please, oh please send me a dozen! Ship to the below address, COD. My cheques serve a duel purpose of purchasing such necessary items, and erasing any mistakes on your invoices.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Sorcha
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 12:35 AM

My cheques float, but not very well, can you provide some sort of sail? Mae Wests would be appreciated, but they just don't hold the wind like a jib does! Send Aussies soonest! Preferably with mustaches!! Tuned or not! ( I like dropped G strings)

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 12:42 AM

Jus' kite 'em Sorch -- all the best business people are doing it! I'm sure Fly By Nite knows all the protocols for handling this sort of transfer. And it completely avoids liquidity problems.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Mbo
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 12:43 AM

WHAT DO I NEED SPAW!?

--Mbo

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 10:20 AM

Now that even Disney is letting its workers wear mustaches ( but not yet beards) thousands of hitherto victimised crypto-pinko minimum wage workers must be flocking to order your product to ensure that bad taste can at least be in tune.
Buy yours today while stocks last.
This is an unsolicited testimonial. I have no connection with cousin, er, I mean, FLY-BY-NITE INDUSTRIES and.. ..(sorry, Spaw, can't read your writing at the bottom of the page)
RtS

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Lady McMoo
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 10:29 AM

As I suggested the environmental model I suppose I'd better order one!

Can I pay with a bouncing Czech please?

mcmoo

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: GUEST,Mbo_at_ECU
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 10:34 AM

Um...it just hit me...Amish men DON'T HAVE moustaches!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 11:23 AM

I'm really buoyed by this fine response, if not by Sorcha's Mae West. However, I don't take bouncing Czech's (are they REALLY BIG women???....hmmmmm), or floating ones either....those suckers catch a bad undertow and that's it. I tried one out in a toilet, but the damn thing went right down and I felt as though I had pissed my money away.

We cannot accept COD orders, but I can assure you that our accounts and invoices are thoroughly checked for accuracy by our crack accounting firm, Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe. CASH...US CASH...is your best bet.

The fact that the Amish don't wear moustaches does not enter into it Meebo. American's LOVE all things Australian and if a product says Amish, it MUST be good.

You can have your AAPMT by bidding in the Mudcat Auction too. Remember all auction proceeds go to support the Mudcat!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Mar 00 - 01:23 PM

....and Meebo, once again, I suggest you purchase the SNOT model, a new modification suggested by Ira Petterson in Dave Swan's post above.

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Mar 00 - 12:28 PM

Great News!!! The patent office has returned the stuff and Pictures will be available tomorrow!!

Friends, let's not pass up this piece of VITAL musical gear........Be the first!!!!

And don't forget the "Amish Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner" that's available through the Mudcat Auction!!! Get it TODAY...100% to Mudcat!

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 07:12 PM

The long awaited picture of this fine device is now available!!! This is the model in the Mudcat Auction with the Cherry handle, enclosed tuners, and the special Nosepick feature on the end of the handle. A little slow loading perhaps, but here we go with an attempt at a Blue Clicky.................

CLICK HERE, I HOPE

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 07:17 PM

Well I whupped up.....I'll try something a bit different this time........be back in a bit.......

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 07:19 PM

Spaw -

Mydoconline doesn't seem to permit general access to something on your registered section of their storage area...you have to "send" individual notifications about the uploaded file to bring the addressees back to see or get the file.

So you need to upload this JPG to a public website, or upgrade your subscription to MyDocsOnline to get their web-site service for public access, or use another free area like geocities. Or maybe Max would post it on the auction site.

A.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 07:38 PM

Yeah, so I find out, but the aucyion sire didn't take it either....so ta' hell with it....Max will have the real one fir the Radio Show Wednesday Night.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 07:50 PM

Well, since you've been saved all that time, come over and save the Albert. Her main bearings are clogged with more subplots than the Sargasso has weed.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 10:25 PM

Mr. Spaw: As its acronym 'AAMPIT suggests, I wonder if your new miracle tuner also tunes underarms? Please rush information- my old one broke. Ebbie

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 12:16 AM

I put the picture up in the auction for you Spaw, but it takes a while to load, as I didn't cut the size down as much as I thought. Happens when your stride is off a bit, eh?*BG*

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Caitrin
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 12:25 AM

If you can pay in Czech, can you pay in Slovak?

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 08:06 AM

The AAPMT is an Equal Opportunity device and shows just how far some people will go for the finest in technology or a joke. Caitrin, I'm glad you checked out the pic that kat put up for me and you NOW see it is NOT a hoax!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: MMario
Date: 11 Apr 00 - 10:31 PM

1.5 hours to go!

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Night Owl
Date: 11 Apr 00 - 10:43 PM

Geeze..Mario...shouldn't you be asleep by 11pm???

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From:
Date: 12 Apr 00 - 07:19 AM

I've been away from my computer for a while, and I seem to have created a monster!! First of all, you can only pay by Czech if your signature has no vowels in it.

I tried to get Grant Wood to touch up his little painting, so the man holds a AAPitchfork; but I couldn't sober up my medium so I guess Spaw will have to provide the picture. Don't forget to turn your moustache clockwise instead of counter-clockwise or the Australian part won't work.

Murray

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Night Owl
Date: 28 Apr 00 - 12:58 PM

Here you go Paul.....everything you need to know about the tuner. Puhleeze be careful during testing!!! BTW.....Catspaw....bandaids WERE supposed to come with it I see.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Apr 00 - 01:06 PM

Night Owl...Please see the legal details on the other thread.

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: DonD
Date: 31 Mar 02 - 07:35 PM

I laughed out loud! Thanks all.

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Apr 02 - 01:14 AM

Glad you liked it Don. We here at Fly-By-Nite are also doing additional developmental work on the "Gordon Bok Fan" mentioned in THIS THREAD.

Spaw

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Musicman
Date: 01 Apr 02 - 01:17 AM

don.. i am the (proud????) owner of the AAPMT at this point in time....

it's sitting in my drawer in my desk beside me ... every now and then i take it out.. look at it... and wonder

that's all.. just 'wonder'......

musicman..

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Apr 02 - 04:03 AM

If Spaws photo doesn't arrive soon as promised, he will be hearing from my solicitors [attorneys??] Sue Grabbit & Runn. I must have it tuned as I am fed up twiddling it.
Sorry got to go, moustache off to lunch....Giok

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: DMcG
Date: 01 Apr 02 - 04:35 AM

Much as I love the AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTune. I find the fact that I also have a beard most problematical. I have attempted to use two more AAPMT, cutting my beard to two different lengths to obtain a three-part harmony, but I find I am now restricted to the key of C, and all songs with minor keys sound dreadful. I attempted to retune after every song, but my beard got shorter and shorter and the pitch higher and higher. I now confuse any nearby bats terribly.

Are there any plans to overcome these limitations in what is, undoubtledly a fine product in general?

Subject: RE: AmishAussie Pitcfork MoustacheTuner
From: Paddy Plastique
Date: 02 Apr 02 - 05:02 AM

How much is your fine device in Euros (€€€€) ??
Does it have special instructions for these peculiar 19th Century moustaches that seem to be hiding out in this
damn France place since the 20th Century kicked in ???
Will it tune up all of the Dubliners on one battery charge ??