Need Song about Tarts or Vicars

Subject: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 10:44 AM

I am going to a themed singaround - the theme is tarts and vicars. Not the eating sort of tarts . Can anyone suggest anything? By the way I will probably be a tart
Patrish

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST,Alan Francis at the Office
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 10:58 AM

"They all think they're so grand" by Dave Cousins of the Strawbs is all that comes to mind.

"The Vicar and the Choirboy" is a bit short, but could be useful.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: MMario
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 11:24 AM

"Friar of Great Renown" could be sung as "vicar"

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Bert
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 11:41 AM

There's Country Vicar

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 11:42 AM

I like "The Brisk Young Butcher" although one could argue whether the chambermaid is really a tart or just a victim of circumstance.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST,Elise
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 11:47 AM

I know a set of limericks that contains both. It's kinda icky, though. I'm new here, and I'm not sure if it's ok to post that kind of stuff. Help?

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: MMario
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 11:53 AM

Elise - some people would, some wouldn't. Some would only post after putting a disclaimer in front. It's YOUR decision. If you are uncomfortable posting the lyrics, then don't.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST,Andy Green
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 11:57 AM

Wasn't there something on here about a frog and a vicar -I've looked but all the links are broken

Andy

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Bert
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 12:00 PM

Go for it Elise, the thread title itself should be warning enough.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: MMario
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 12:02 PM

I think that's the same as the Vicar and the choirboy

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST,Patrish in the upstairs office
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 12:05 PM

thanks for your suggestions, I am signing off until tomorrow, if you have any ideas about costumes they too would be appreciated.

kindest regards

Patrish

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST,Elise
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 12:05 PM

Thanks MMario! Guess you don't know me (yet). I'm famous for off-color sea chanteys and limericks, and very little embarrasses me (except my spelling!)

So here's the disclaimer: This is icky, don't read it if you'll be offended.

There were three young ladies from Birmingham
And this is the scandal concerning 'em
They lifted the frock and tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
For he'd been to a good public school
So he took down their britches and buggered those bitches
With his ten inch Episcopal tool

Then up spoke a lady from Kew
She said as the Bishop withdrew
"The Vicar is quicker and thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!"

So there.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 01:17 PM

Oh my! (she exclaimed, blushing)

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Mbo
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 01:21 PM

Oy, think that one belongs up there with Eskimo Nell. BTW I know one about tartan trousers.....a real gender bender in that time...

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 04:55 PM

There is a good one that I can't remember about a clerk who prays with his vicar, repeating the prayer after him as the chorus. Useless really aren't I......

LTS

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: SeanM
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 05:18 PM

English punk band adapted something awful for a silly little song... set to any tune you can make it fit. They do...

"God help me what can I do
My girlfriend's Da is a Vicar, boo hoo
And he won't let me
Be alone with you
Oh, he's a Vicar and there's nothing I can do

Works really well sung as a drunken round...

M

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 05:23 PM

From 'oh dear what can the matter be'

The first two were off to have tea with the vicar,
They went in together, they thought it'd be quicker
The lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker
And vicar had tea all alone.....

LTS

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 05:23 PM

It might be called 'The Parson and the Clerk'.

LTS

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 05:27 PM

I believe that "The Vicar and the Frog" was written by Miles Wootton, who is also responsible for some excellent parodies of "Trad" songs. The recording of it I have is on an LP by Fred Wedlock, although I'm not certain where it currently is.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Hardiman the Fiddler
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 06:10 PM

There was a young vicar from Kent,
whose thing was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble, he bent it up double
Instead of coming, he went

I also used to know many verses to a tune called, "Four and Twenty Virgins....

Hardiman

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST,Barry Finn
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 06:25 PM

Out of Harlow's collection is a pumping shanty called "Priests & Nuns". I know I posted the words in the fourm & a search should turn them up, if not I'll post them but I have not clue as how to post tunes except maybe sing them into Joe Offer's answering machine or some sort of similar method. Good luck in this off color venture. Barry

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Catrin
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 06:33 PM

I'm sure there's loads andloads of these.

What about 'Three Drunken Maidens'?

Or 'She was poor, but she was honest'?

Both in the DT and the latter being really good for a chorus song.

Have fun!

Catrin

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Amergin
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 06:35 PM

Uh, Patrish, what kind of tart is not the "eating kind"?

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Mbo
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 06:37 PM

How about "Cindy's Crying" by Tom Paxton, or "Lovely Ladies" from Les Miserables by Shoenberg & Boublil?

--M

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Catrin
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 06:41 PM

And of course there's 'Aunt Clara' words in the DT - a really good song about....

well, you'll see.

Highly recommended.

Catrin - who wishes she'd got round to learning how to do blue clickys.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST,Sharon
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 06:53 PM

Hi Elise. You have something in common with some of us mudcatters. Do you know Karolina or Kelida? Sharon

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 26 Jul 00 - 11:45 PM

G'day Vicar ...

Liz The Squeak: I published an Australian collected version of The Parson and the Clerk (back around 1978 ....!)in Mulga Wire, the Bush Music Club magazine I still edit. I will look it up when i get home and post the words and MIDIText tonight ... if my cheap ISP doesn't skive off, like it did last night.

Regards,

Bob Bolton

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Melani
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 12:43 AM

Elise--you've really outdone yourself--which I never thought would be possible. Come sing it to us in August.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Elise
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 01:15 AM

Melani, you never know what's coming next! Can't make it in August, those anniversary thingies get in the way sometimes.

Sharon, don't know the two K ladies yet, but like minds seem to cluster together, so it's coming soon.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Melani
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 01:18 AM

Oh, well, there's always September.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: mg
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 01:33 AM

it looks like no one has mentioned the vicar of bray yet..

mg

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Barbara
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 01:38 AM

tart (UK) A young woman of questionable to nonexistent morals.
Is "Poor But Honest" the same as "The Syme the 'Ole World Over"? That has a verse about the oft compromised woman who "lorst 'er nyme" to the vicar (as well as everyone else).
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Susan of DT
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 05:22 AM

Serch for vicar* tart* and any euphemisms like whore* etc. you want to include. The * will include plurals. Tart will get you both kinds, but you can sort htru them.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 09:07 AM

G'day Patrish,

I have posted the words and MIDIText of the Australian collected version of The Parson and the Clerk to a new Lyr. Add thread.

Enjoy!

Regards,

Bob Bolton

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 09:39 AM

Thanks everyone - I found this Kipper song (THE UNLAID MAID) It looks quite amusing. If that link works it will be the first one in a proper thread. If it doesn't its back to the Practice thread.............
Patrish

Subject: Lyr Add: THE COUNTRY VICAR
From: Abby Sale
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 10:14 AM

There's vast numbers of songs about bawdy clerics. Child #276, "The Friar in the Well" is classic. A DT search on any related word - friar, vicar, cleric will teem with hits. Here's one from the base I'll bother you with copying over because it's such fine poetry:

THE COUNTRY VICAR.

There once was a country vicar who said to his curate John,
"I bet I've had more women than you" and the curate said
"You're on! You're on!" and the curate said "you're on!"
"Tomorrow outside the church we'll stand and this shall be the sign"
"You ding-a-ding for the women you've had,
and I'll ding-a-dong for mine, for mine
and I'll ding-a-dong for mine".

There were more ding-a-dings than ding-a-dong dongs
'till a pretty young maid walked by
and the curate went ding-dong
"Ah", said the vicar "Don't ding-a-dong there
that's my wife I do declare"
"Well" said the curate "I don't care"
with a ding-a ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong
with a ding-a ding-a ding-a ding-dong.

I think of 'tart' as far more a professional lady than a mere loose woman. If the search is just for loose women then there will be thousands of possible songs.

Of songs that combine the two, a context search might turn up a few - the only one such I sing is "Kafoosalem." If a monk counts in the question.

As to prostitutes, per se, there will be a few of them as well - I especially like MacColl's version of the "Fair Maid of Islington," ie, "The Vintner." A fair wage for a fair night's work, I say!

GUEST,Elise: That's a good song - do it have a tune?

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Midchuck
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 10:20 AM

Lord Bumley, on top of his tart,
Let a horrible, fizzling fart.
Said the tart, "Good my lord,
I am taking your word,
You did not follow through on the spot!"

So there.

Peter.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From:
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 01:33 PM

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From:
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 02:05 PM

Sorry about the previous blank entry; I am still struggling with this web browser.

There is a song called "There Was a Monk of Great Renown" that I learned in Scotland 40 years ago & that mentions both a whore and a vicar. I will post it once I learn how to insert a file into a posting.

Joe Fineman

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 03:13 PM

Love the limericks - where were they last year when we did the limerick threads?

Glad you worked out which parson and clerk it is. Now I have no excuse not to learn it properly (the title would be a good start eh?!)

LTS

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 03:48 PM

Well, there is, of course, the "Vicar of Bray" about the cleric who changed his religious persuasion depending on which way the wind was blowing. In my collection, A Bonnie Bunch of Roses there's a ballad called "The Wooden Leg'd Parson." I found it on an old broadside and John Roberts of Roberts & Barrand found an old tune for it.

All the best,
Dan Milner

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Elise
Date: 27 Jul 00 - 06:15 PM

Abby, do you mean the limerick, or Good Ship Venus? I'm afraid the way I sing 'em, the tune is sometimes iffy at best. The limerick can always be sung with the chorus:

Ay, yi yi yi
In China they never serve chili
So sing me another verse
That's worse than the other verse
And waltz me around again Willy
(or Waltz me around by my Willy, depending on your mood)

Sorry I missed the limerick thread Liz, I'm new here. Thought I'd have a quick look and got trapped here for eternity. Eeek. Glad I have good friends to help me waste my time (Sean and Melani, but not to name names!)

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Abby Sale
Date: 28 Jul 00 - 08:18 AM

Elise,

OK, got it - just the standard limerick tune.  With my intense brainitude I
didn't notice it was a limerick (even though you'd warned it) because the
3rd-4th lines weren't split.  Ya. That's what I meant.

"Venus" is odd for me.  I've heard of it all my remembered life but to date
haven't heard it sung.  The Hash Hymnal suggests using "North Atlantic
Squadron" but that doesn't seem to work very well.  The Erotic Muse offers
two tunes, one of which is very singable, even if from a book.

So since I had the solemn sacred pages of the Hymnal bared in front of me,
I had a quick flip through for other 'Tart' songs.  Found one that's also in the
Database - "When Lady Jane Became a Tart."  This may elevate the prestige
of Questioner, Patrish, who might use this song to elevate him/herself  to the
peerage at the upcoming singaround.

Abby
(Currently vacating on a hilltop overlooking Charlotte Amalie harbor.)
 

Subject: Lyr Add: THERE WAS A MONK OF GREAT RENOWN
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Jul 00 - 06:02 PM

Here it is:

  THERE WAS A MONK OF GREAT RENOWN    

(As sung at St Andrews University, ca. 1959)    

1.  NARRATOR (sings):   There was a monk of great renown, (3x)
                          Who bought a whore for half a crown.    

CHORUS
  CONGREGATION (speaks):  The sod!
                          The dirty sod!
                          The bastard deserves to die.
  NARRATOR (speaks):      How shall he die?
  CONGREGATION (shouts):  Fuck him!
                          (After 2. also:)  Double-fuck him!
                          (After 3. also:)  Triple-fuck him!
                          (After 4. also:)  Quadruple-fuck him!
  NARRATOR (whispers):    Shhhh!  Here comes the vicar.
  VICAR (speaks):         A prayer for those in trouble.
  CONGREGATION (shouts):  Abortion!
  VICAR (speaks):         A prayer for the frustrated.
  CONGREGATION (shouts):  Fuck!
  VICAR (speaks):         A prayer for the constipated.
  CONGREGATION (shouts):  Shit!
  VICAR (speaks):         A prayer for the castrated.
  CONGREGATION (shouts):  Balls!
  VICAR (speaks):         Gentlemen!  What have we said?
                          Let us pray for the soul of Brother Banglestein.
  CONGREGATION (sings):   Glory, glory, hallelujah!
                          Balls for Brother Banglestein,
                          Banglestein, Banglestein,
                          Balls for Brother Banglestein,
                          Dirty old man!
                          For he keeps us waiting
                          While he's masturbating,
                          So balls for Brother Banglestein,
                          Dirty old man!    

2.  NARRATOR (sings):   His brother monks were so annoyed
                          'Cos with a woman he had toyed,    

3.                      They put an end to all his frolics,
                          For with a knife they cut off his ballocks,    

4.                      And now, bereft of all desire,
                          He sings soprano in the choir,

HTML line breaks and preformat commands added. --JoeClone, 25-Aug-02.

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From:
Date: 29 Jul 00 - 06:18 PM

Nice verse in Leon Rosselson's song "Don't Get Married, Girls".

Subject: Lyr Add: THE MAID'S CONJURING BOOK
From: Catrin
Date: 29 Jul 00 - 06:49 PM

Can't find this in the DT

THE MAID'S CONJURING BOOK

A young man lately in our town,
He went to bed one night;
He had no sooner laid him down
But was troubled by a sprite.
So vigorously the spirit stood
Let him do what he can,
'Sure then,' he said, 'it must be laid
By woman not by man.'

A handsome maid did undertake
And into bed she leapt;
And to allay the spirit's power
Full close to him she crept.
She having such a guardian care
Her office to discharge,
She opened wide her conjuring book
And laid the leaves at large.

Her office she did well perform
Within a little space;
Then up she rose, and down he lay
And durst not show his face.
She took her leave and away she went
When she had done the deed,
Saying, 'If it chance to rise again
Then call for me with speed!'

Source; My Song is My Own by Kathy Henderson, Frankie Armstrong and Sandra Kerr.

"Typical of many early eighteenth century compositions which take a single witty idea to build a song round, this comes from 'Pills To Purge Melancholy" (1719). The tune, 'The Musical Lovers', was noted by Joshua Jackson in Harrogate at around the same time."

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Elise
Date: 31 Jul 00 - 12:40 AM

Hope no one minds me reviving an old thread, but I'm having too much fun!

Abby, I know the tune for Venus, and would be glad to sing it to you sometime (although not in public, it might make me blush!)

Joe F and Catrin, thanks for your wonderful song posts, I feel much better now! I enjoyed both of them.

Subject: Lyr Add: I AM A TOLERANT MAN
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 31 Jul 00 - 08:57 AM

G'day again,

This may be a bit late for Patrish's bash, but it was a song I should have remembered myself ... and didn't. JennieG reminded me tonight that this was another good Vicar (or parson, whatever) song, from the Western Australian gold fields in the early part of this century.

The words are in John Lahey's book Great Australian Folk Songs, Hill of Content, Melbourne, 1965, and this is his tune (which doesn't sound too much like mine ... which I need to get around to transcribing!)

I AM A TOLERANT MAN
I don't mind blokes who digs or stokes,
Who fettle or work on derricks;
I can even stand a German band,
But I draw the line at clerics.
Chorus:
Why strike me pink, I'd sooner drink
With a cove sent up for arson,
Than a rain-beseeching, preaching, teaching,
Blanky, cranky, parson.

I snort and jibe at the whole of the tribe,
Whatever their sect of class is -
From lawn-sleeved ranters to kerbstone canters,
From bishops to Army lasses.
Chorus:
Why strike me pink ...

Give me the blaspheming, scheming, screaming,
Barracking football garcons -
In preference, to the reverent gents,
The blithering, blathering parsons!
Chorus:
Why strike me pink ...

I will also post these words and the MIDIText of the tune in a separate thread.

Regards,

Bob Bolton

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Catrin
Date: 31 Jul 00 - 09:19 AM

A freind of mine, who spent quite some time in Australia (sorry I don't know where or when) used to sing that one. I'd forgotten all about it!

Its a good rouser!

Thanks,

Catrin

Subject: RE: Need Song about Tarts or Vicars
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 31 Jul 00 - 09:26 AM

Bob, I love that song (Tolerant man), but again I need a tune...... can you e-mail me with it?
You keep comuing up with such good stuff that I don't know which to do. BTW the sell by date for ideas for me is 17/08/2000.
Many thanks for all your contributions
Patrish (who hates mondays and would much rather not be at work)