Subject: Words of Wisdom From: sian, west wales Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:04 AM Branching off the Household Tips thread (which I think is a superior thread!) how about proverbs, and stuff? There's a guy in Canada who's published some excellent books of Canadian sayings (Bill? Casselman) I like to jot them down when I find them - whether or not they make any sense. For instance, ...
S/he ain't go the sense God gave a head o' lettuce. I also see a lot of modern day creations these days ... Home is where you hang your @. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single click. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. The modem is the message. The geek shall inherit the earth. There's no place like http://www.home.com Be it ever so humble, there's no place like your homepage. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Any additions? sian
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,micca at work. Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:26 AM as much use as a chocolate teapot as much use as pigskin bound Koran he/she is an @ short of a .com as much use as a Ham sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Quincy Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:29 AM A closed mouth gathers no feet! Yvonne |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Quincy Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:32 AM As much use as an ash-tray on a motor-bike. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: JulieF Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:33 AM The ones that come to mind:- To damm with faint praise ( as opposed to the other way round) As Welcome as a fart in a spacesuit Julie |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: CarolC Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:36 AM Oh....you got me started, now. Rule #1....Never shoot the driver. Rule #6....Evolve or die out. Life is like a box of chocolates...a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody asked for. (The Smoking Man on the X-Files) In a fight between a big dog and a little dog, the little dog will usually go for the testicles. I think, therefore I think I am. Scars achieved during battle will not count against contestants. (Quote from a dog show rule book) Slow has got 4 letters, so has Life. Speed has got 5 letters, so has Death. (Sign at a train station in India) Everyone needs at least one person in their life who recognizes what's truly great about them. Just because you haven't succeeded yet, doesn't mean you've failed. Carol |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Troll Date: 06 Sep 00 - 07:44 AM One wall shy of a room. Useless as tits on a boar hog. Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest. All hat and no cattle. Even a blind pig will find an acorn sometimes. Th' willin' horse is aye warked tae death. troll |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: catspaw49 Date: 06 Sep 00 - 08:11 AM Its colder in the country than it is in the winter. Spaw |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: sledge Date: 06 Sep 00 - 08:17 AM As much use as a choclate tea pot. Just because you are paranoid, it dosn't mean they are not out to get you.
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Midchuck Date: 06 Sep 00 - 08:31 AM Uglier than Death taking a s***. My wife likes to collect metaphors for people whose contact with reality is dubious - variants on the old "a few bricks shy of a load"...I don't know whether this originates with living with me so long or not. got one oar in the water. A couple of cans shy of a six-pack. Dumber than a sack full of hammers. Peter. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: SINSULL Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:08 AM One ace short of a deck |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,Russ Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:36 AM Dumber than a bucket of hair. Slicker than snot on a doorknob. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:48 AM On the not very clever side: "Not the sharpest tool in the box" "As sharp as a sausage" (also....as a marble) "As bright as a five Watt bulb" Others? "As popular as a turd in a fruit salad" "As brief as a butterflys fart" "You can't wrap fire in paper" "One hand washes the other" We also used to split two sayings, and cross-join them. For Example "People who live in glass houses...live to fight another day" While "He who fights & runs away...should't throw stones" Of course "It's a bad day for the Gaels, when the ducks are in the nettles"
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: sian, west wales Date: 06 Sep 00 - 09:49 AM spaw, we luv ya. Also, Mudcat's great. Ya throw out a thought pre-lunch and, bingo, post-lunch ya get all this food for thought. More ...
One sandwich short of a picnic.
Others from the Casselman collection which come to mind And one from my mother's youth ...
You never know when you go to sit That's *spit*, spaw. sian |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Bert Date: 06 Sep 00 - 10:36 AM You smell like a Turkish wrestler's jock strap. He wouldn't know his dick from his thumb if it didn't have a nail on it. He's daft as arseholes and twice as nasty. You look like a bundle of arseholes tied up ugly. You look like a sack of shit tied up with string. As thick as two short planks. Bert. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Ely Date: 06 Sep 00 - 10:41 AM So full of s**t you could smell it on his breath Slower than molasses in January (does not apply in hot climates?!) Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Colder than a witch's elbow (my dad's favorite. Personally, I've never wanted to get close enough to see how cold that is . . .) |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Kim C Date: 06 Sep 00 - 11:08 AM One day, Mister uttered this gem: Sometimes ya pokes the cow, sometimes the cow pokes you. (Make of it what you will.) I always liked the one about not being able to find one's backside with both hands and a flashlight. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Bert Date: 06 Sep 00 - 11:55 AM Ely, it's NOT 'elbow' and they're not cold, really. Bert. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Midchuck Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:02 PM To his bride, a young bridegroom said: "Trish, Your c*** is as big as a dish!" She responded, "You fool, With your limp little tool, It's like driving a nail with a fish!" Peter. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Marymac90 Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:34 PM My grandmother liked "You don't know your ass from a hole in the ground!" A variant is "You don't know your ass from your elbow!" This one really IS elbow, Bert! She also liked "He didn't have a pot to piss in!" My grandmother was a colorful character! Another from that era is "He can't tell s*** from Shinola!" Are there young folks or people from abroad unfamiliar with Shinola? One that I like is "He's so full of s*** his eyes are brown!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Mbo Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:35 PM Here are some of my personal favorites! Used in everyday life, when warranted.
Beautiful like the backside of a frying pan. (Italian) |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Lox Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:38 PM Of a pointless argument or pep-talk, "It's like pushing string" |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Bert Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:41 PM Marymac, I had a friend who wanted to use that expression in a lecture but of course he couldn't. He was very pleased with himself when he came up with 'Couldn't tell spit from Shinola' Bert. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Mbo Date: 06 Sep 00 - 12:49 PM My sister works with a woman from Germany, who instead of saying "crapola", says "carpola." |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: IvanB Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:00 PM "Sometimes the dragon wins." |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Midchuck Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:07 PM "Like pushing string" reminded me of "Like trying to shove butter up an eel's ass with a red-hot awl." Peter. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Bert Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:11 PM Then there's this one that has become such a part of everyday life that no one has mentioned it - Scary thought. Pissing into the wind. Bert. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: SINSULL Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:18 PM Or up a rope. Dumb as a doorknob. So full of S**t, his eyes are brown. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Jim the Bart Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:34 PM Comparisons: Dumb as a box of rocks Cuter than a bugs ear Dumb as a stump harder than Chinese arithmetic Aphorisms: He didn't know whether to shit or go blind Some folks will eat shit and howl at the moon |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Clinton Hammond2 Date: 06 Sep 00 - 01:51 PM Dumb as a can of smashed a$$holes... As sharp as the edge of town Not the shiniest coin in the fountain Never give a celt an even break... Compound fractures heal slower just to name a few... {~` |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Morticia Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:27 PM My dad says " S/He's enough to give an aspirin a headache" and " rarer than rocking horse shit" is a personal favourite as is 'Spaw's " too dumb to pour piss from his boot with the instructions written on the heel" Loved that, thanks Uncle Pat...... |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: wysiwyg Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:30 PM Always check six. This is from air warfare. Because you can see all the hours of the clock, except six, when you are driving. So, in battle, always, always check six, cuz here it comes right up your..... crash boom. What a song challenge it would be, to work ALL of these into songs. ~S~ |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Kim C Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:42 PM Grab the bull or get off the pot. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: SINSULL Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:50 PM From my father: "He/she is "half past six". meaning wacky.
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Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Naemanson Date: 06 Sep 00 - 02:56 PM How about: Number than a pounded thumb Clear as mud Line him up with a tree to see which one is moving Or as I saw on a bumper sticker once: Vegetarian - An old word meaning poor hunter. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Sep 00 - 03:07 PM If you drink, don't drive--hell, don't even putt!! Someone says to me, "How are you today?" I tell them: "Pretty fair; Fair ta middlin'; Fair to partly cloudy." He says "How's it go?" I reply: "It doesn't go; you gotta push it!" (and therein lies a whole philosophy of life, say I.) Dave Oesterreich |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Mbo Date: 06 Sep 00 - 03:37 PM Wait--should I unload all the Wellerisms I know? Some of the are great advice! "He'd be as sharp as a serpent's tooth if he wasn't as dull as ditchwater." |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,Les B Date: 06 Sep 00 - 04:11 PM "Ma said there'd be days like this -- she just didn't say there'd be so damn many!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:18 AM "Thicker than a whale omlette" "If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose." "Shit, or get off the pot" = make up your mind "You don't keep a dog, and bark yourself" "He who lies down with dogs, shall rise with fleas" "He couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery" "Don't be difficult. Put a bit of effort into it, & be bloody-well impossible" BTW what IS shinola? Is it something like Brasso? |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: CarolC Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:37 AM Crazy Eddie, I think it's shoe polish, but I could be wrong. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Catrin Date: 07 Sep 00 - 06:53 AM A difficult task is like 'walking through treacle' A low paid job pays 'tuppence a lifetime' My mother in law had some classics including:
You're a long time dead (when persuading herself to spend money/ have an extra drink/dance or do anything which other people might frown on) Better late in this world than early in the next. (when tempted to rush across roads or drive too fast)
Or there's And plenty of others which I can't think of right now. Catrin |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Tony in Sweden Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:18 AM A few more that spring to mind.... As usefull as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest. As thick as shit in the neck of a bottle. As bright as two O'clock in the morning. A face like a hen laying razors. A face like a skittery hippen ( soiled nappy/daiper) A face like a wet night looking for a dry mornin' A face like a bag o bruised fruit. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Tony in Sweden Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:21 AM I forgot this one:- Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, DOESN'T try it on!! |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: CarolC Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:26 AM Tony in Sweden, (Ahem)...Um...dare I ask where you put it when you try it on? |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Catrin Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:31 AM A face like a smacked a*se |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: derrymacashatwork Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:58 AM On the subject of "a face like ..." A face like a bulldog chewin' wasps A face like a bulldog pissing on a nettle A face like a wet binbag A face you'd never grow tired of slappin' One of my granny's sayings "Beauty is only skin deep ... but ugliness goes right to the bone." A variant on "shit or get off the pot" is a saying my da used to use: "Die dog, or shite the licence!" Variants on the "as thick as two short planks" theme: "There's air getting in." "The lift doesn't go all the way to the top floor." "A few twigs short of a nest" "He doesn't know shite from custard." "He doesn't know whether he's livin' or stuffed." "The lights are on, but nobody's home." |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Crazy Eddie Date: 07 Sep 00 - 07:59 AM I omitted "A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp" " One more brain cell, & he'd be a plant" True story! One guy I worked with got sacked after repeated warnings. Someone said he should have been given another chance. The boss immediately replied: "As sure as God made little green apples, that guy had more bites of the cherry than you can shake a stick at." Got three metaphors mixed in one sentance, and couldn't understand why people were grinning. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: Dharmabum Date: 07 Sep 00 - 08:44 AM As useless as a screen door in a submarine. As funny as a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward. When they were passing out looks he/she thought they said books & said "give me a scary one". The most important rule in life is to be sincere,& once you learn how to fake that you've got life by the b*lls. & my favorite It's easier to get forgivness than it is permission. |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: kendall Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:04 AM Useless as a trap door in a canoe homely as a bucket of armpits He'd be over his head in a parking lot puddle so stupid, he was the villege idiot in three towns a face that would stop an 8 day clock " " " turn a funeral procession up an alley cold enough to freeze two dry rags together. My friend Gordon, who never cusses says: "Shift or get off the pike." |
Subject: RE: BS: Words of Wisdom From: kendall Date: 07 Sep 00 - 09:07 AM deaf as a haddock Numb as a hake going like the hammers of hell hotter than the hinges of tofit |