Humorous Sex Songs

Subject: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Oversoul
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:13 PM

[Many song titles in this thread have been converted to links by a Mudelf.]

I would like to put together a set of funny songs regarding sexual relations. For example; being caught in the act, or catching others, being thwarted, coitus awry! With me here? I've got three songs in mind but I need at least six more. For instance: I HAD BUT FIFTY CENTS (traditional), TOO CLOSE TOGETHER (Sonny Boy Williamson), and ON THE ROAD AGAIN (Memphis Jug Band). Not talking about needing it, or losing it, just funny stuff. 'Fess up bottom-feeders! Personal accounts of this phenomena are optional, but I need some titles! This is for a good cause, believe me.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Mbo
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:22 PM

Check out the winners of the Song Challenge! Part 1. Or this favorite of mine: BIG TEN INCH RECORD by [Bull Moose Jackson, later covered by] Aerosmith.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:37 PM

Ok there's a bawdy song called JOHNNY GO EASY about a man who meets a girl, dubbed "the Mystery", in a pub and over the ensuing few days tries to get her drunk for the reason a man in a bawdy song would be expected to try to get a girl drunk. I don't have the lyrics but the chorus goes:
Johnny go easy, you're driving me crazy, Johnny go easy, I'm losing me mind, me senses are sunk in an ocean of whisky and porter and _______wine.


A friend of mine that I used to play with sang it. I'll e-mail him and try to get him to send me the lyrics.
Rich

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Gypsy
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:38 PM

What, and you are forgetting the LUSTY YOUNG SMITH? And also, DO ME AMA. Both are in threads.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Malcolm Douglas
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:46 PM

Have a look at THE MOLECATCHER

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Mbo
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:46 PM

Or "COWSONG" by Kate Rusby!

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Benjamin
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:52 PM

HESITATION BLUES By Rev. Gary Davis!

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Mbo
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:52 PM

Or "THE JOLLY TINKER".

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: The Beanster
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 10:56 PM

Although it's not really about sex, per se, there's Todd Rundgren's "YOU LEFT ME SORE," which is either about transmission of an STD or it could be about love, depending on what you read into it.

And there's always Randy Newman's "YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON."

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Naemanson
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 11:09 PM

THE GERMAN CLOCKWINDER!

Check out the Dalliance series of records. The ones I have are called When Dalliance was In Flower And Maidens Lost Their Heads. I have Volume 3 and More Dalliance,

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Mbo
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 11:19 PM

THE UPS AND DOWNS by Steeleye Span.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Oversoul
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 11:24 PM

Thanks so much for the input! (and as always, pardon the pun!) I should have known this would be a "dude" thing. Before this thread sinks to the bottom of the heap, I might add another fine old song "THE GENTLEMAN SOLDIER". Shucks, this has been great.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Mbo
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 11:27 PM

Pogues do a great version of THE GENTLEMAN SOLDIER on Rum, Sodomy, and The Lash...they do all kinds of crazy voices in the song.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Gary T
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 11:38 PM

SEVEN DRUNKEN NIGHTS.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: rabbitrunning
Date: 22 Sep 00 - 11:46 PM

Well, I suppose this one is more about disappointments, but I like Side by Side and it's very funny.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 12:44 AM

A Four Letter Word.

I'll give you the chorus and hope someone comes up with the rest without me typing it all.

CHORUS It'a a four letter word, a four letter word. Let's banish the use of the four letter word.

It's bawdy but can be sang in mixed company. I heard it sang in front of a Priest and a Nun and it didn't bother them. One person left though.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: GUEST,jaze
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 12:54 AM

On a lighter note, "THE SCOTSMAN" is a funny one

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Jimmy C
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:04 AM

"MAIDS WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG NEVER WED AN OLD MAN"

"THE RIGS OF LONDON TOWN"

"THE JOLLY TINKER"

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Oversoul
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:10 AM

Please send the chord for that!

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:12 AM

It's a stretch but "A Chat with Your Mother (The F-Word Song)" by Lou and Peter Berryman

Rich

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Ana
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:17 AM

Kath Tait (NZer who's been living in the UK) has a hilarious one (as most of hers are) about a neighbourly tryst ... she's worth taking the effort to watch out for, but at the moment I'm not sure how to put you onto her. Someone else may have contact or CD info. She is a regular touring performer through NZ Ana

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From:
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:18 AM

I'm with Naemanson, Ed McCurdy rules

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From:
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:22 AM

Yes indeed1 I'll also go along with Ana - out for the Cabbage Lady - Kath Tait, writer and singer of many hilarious songs

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Metchosin
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 02:23 AM

Also check out any Rusty Warren or Ruth Wallis

Songs that come to mind are:

Freddy the Fisherman's Son ( I think I can remember all the lyrics if you can't find a tape or CD)

Goldmine

My Old Soldier

The Dingy song

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Barbara
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 03:07 AM

MY HUSBAND'S GOT NO COURAGE IN HIM
THE VICAR AND THE FROG
and what's that ballad where the maiden asks for "what lies between your legs" and when the gent dismounts, she leaps on his horse and takes off?
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: bob schwarer
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 06:40 AM

From The New St. George album "High Tea" listen to "THE STEGGIE"

Bob S.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Carlin
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 09:43 AM

Dirty blues...

SHAVE 'EM DRY, Ring my Bell, The Jack, Happy Hooker, Travelin' Riverside Blues.....

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Morticia
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 09:56 AM

Barbara, that's the 'Lady Highwayman'...I think.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 10:13 AM

Perhaps my favorite song of the genre is called "CHASTITY BELT" which can be found at www-cs.canisius.edu/~salley/Bard.book/chastity.html 

among other places. To give you an idea, one of the verses goes:

Alas, gentle errant, I am no maiden
I'm married to Sir Oswald the cunning old celt,
He's gone to the wars for a twelve-month or longer
And taken the key to my chastity belt.

Good luck.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: guinnesschik
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 10:37 AM

One of the funniest I've heard is called "The Maid Gaed Tae The Mill" to get her corn ground by the lusty miller. I have it on a recording by Ewan McColl and Peggy Seeger.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: GUEST,Arkie
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 10:40 AM

A few more suggestions: "BLOW AWAY THE MORNING DEW", "FIVE NIGHTS DRUNK" or "Cabbage Head Song" as it is called here in Arkansas, and Red River Dave's "The Clinging Lovers of Kenya". The latter song was based on a supposedly true story of a wife who surprised her husband and lover in a moment of intimacy and somehow managed to glue them together.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: MK
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 10:56 AM

And who can forget Eric Idol's rousing rendition of Isn't It Awfully Good To Have a Penis performed in a posh supper club environment, from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life".

Subject: Lyr Add: JOHNNY GO EASY (Ron Kavana)^^
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 11:50 AM

JOHNNY GO EASY

Meself and the mystery met in a boozer
The Stag's Head in Camden one cold rainy night
We had a few jars and the craic it was mighty
Till I up and asked for a bed for the night.

Chorus:
Johnny go easy, You're driving me crazy
Johnny go easy, I'm losing my mind
Me senses are sunk in an ocean of porter
and a mixture of whiskey and tawny port wine.

The days went by, the romance developed
To loosen her garter was my one desire
All efforts frustrated, frustration dictated
a few pints and large ones to light up her fire.

Chorus

Though I tried for to bed her, to wed her, to woo her
She wouldn't lay down between me and the wall
So to charm her, not harm her I tried to disarm her
with gallons of gargle and spirits and all

Chorus



My friend Mike whom I got these from wrote an added verse with a friend but I didn't mention that I was posting these, so I e-mailed him again for permission to post his verse.

Slán,
Rich

Subject: Lyr Add: I'M GONE (George Coventry)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 12:38 PM

There's "Leopard-Skin Pillbox Hat" by Bob Dylan. That's a good one. (I see you got a new boyfriend, no I've never seen him before. I saw you makin' love to him...you forgot to close the garage door. Y' know I don't mind you cheatin' on me, baby, but I sure wish he'd take that off his head...your brand new leopard skin pillbox hat!)

Here's one I wrote, to the tune of Gordon Lightfoot's "If You Could Read My Mind"....

I'M GONE

If you could read my mind, love
You would probably slap my face
If you could read my mind, love
It would be such a big disgrace
When you reached the part
That I'm picturing
Your face would turn so red
I'd wish that I was dead
But you can't read my mind because
My thoughts are mine alone and today I'm gone...

If you could read my mind, love
Heaven knows what I would do
If you could read my mind, love
When I'm sitting next to you
I'd have to walk away
While I had the chance
Before you found your wits
And had a royal fit
But you can't read my mind because
My thoughts are private ones and also
You're not psychic, at least not much
You're not aware of my hidden lust
Although my fingers get confused
Each time I'm sitting next to you
And my guitar playing falls apart
Like the pieces of my lonely heart, I'm gone...

If you could read my mind, love
Or worse yet, if your husband could
I might have to leave this town, love
And maybe stay away for good
Or at least lie low for a little while
'Cos I've heard he's a jealous man
I don't think he'd understand
But I would still admire you
And I don't think that's wrong of me
I'm cursed with a vivid imagination
And when you sing in harmony
I begin to lose my concentration
I'm drowning in your symphony
I'm just a poor romantic fool
And when you're sitting next to me I'm gone...

If you could read my mind, love
You would probably slap my face...uh-huh...

Copyright c 1995 George Coventry
Words only by George Coventry

...a parody of "If You Could Read My Mind" by Gordon Lightfoot. That is, it uses the music of that song. It's not intended to make fun of the original, which is a superb song, one of the best ever.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Catrin
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:00 PM

the maid's conjuring book is a good one to sing - especially if done in a 'serious' manner.

Cheers,

Catrin

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Barbara
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:02 PM

If you don't wish to go so far afield, Chastity Belt is also here in Digital Tradition.

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: wildlone
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 01:06 PM

If you want bawdy ballads . you could try this site

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: WyoWoman
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 02:12 PM

It's not folk, but Sondheim's "I Never Do Anything Twice" is one of my faves. Here's one verse:

When I was young and simple, (I don't recall the date),
I met a handsome captain of the guard.
He visited my chamber one evening rather late,
In tandem with a husky St. Bernard.
At first I was astonished, a tear came to my eye,
But later when I begged him to resume
He said, to my surprise, 'My dear,' that isn't wise,
Where love is concerned, one must freshen the bloom.


Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
One must never deny it, but after you try it, you vary the diet.
Said my handsome young guard, "Yes, I know that it's hard,
But no matter the price, I never do anything twice.

Also, Sapphire has a funny blues song, "Silver Beaver," that nobody but her (them?) will ever have the nerve to do ...

WW

Subject: Lyr Add: Way of Sex^^
From: Barbara
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 02:56 PM

WAY OF SEX
(Mary Litchfield)

Some of us are single, some of us are married,
Some of us are breathing, some of us are buried;
Some get laid every day or so, some got laid a long time ago;
When they'll come again they don't really know,
And that is the way of sex.

Some of us like big strong men in the clinches,
Some of us prefer to hug lusty wenches
Some of us would rather go it alone
Some prefer things as yet unknown
You can't tell by looking just what is cooking
And that is the way of sex.

Some folks love a roll in the hay
Some would rather not bother
Too bad, 'cause in some strange way
These two types end up with each other.

Some of us have one lover and one only
Some of us have lost count and still feel lonely
Some of us can do it just for fun,
Some of us have to marry everyone
Most of us can find a way to get the thing done
And that is the way of sex.

Sex begins as childhood ends,
It makes us howl at the moon.
It goes on till we don't know when;
We dance into age to a sexual tune.

Sex causes tears and sex causes laughter
Some times we use it to get what we're after Sex causes babies and sex causes grief;
Sex is a joy, and a relief
But ignore it or embrace it, some how you have to face it,
And that is the way of,
That is the way of.
That is the way of sex!

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Barbara
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 03:02 PM

And the tune for it is here.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 04:58 PM

How about 'Me Dick Just dialled Your Number', by Kevin "Bloody" Wilson

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Cap't Bob
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 06:09 PM

"CRUISING 'ROUND YARMOUTH" ~ a good one for the sailors. Found it in a book called Bawdy British Folk Songs.

Cap't Bob

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: WyoWoman
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 06:52 PM

Barbara, I like that one. Went to the thread you linked to and found the words again and the artist who'd recorded it. There wasn't a link to a MIDI or anything, was there? Did I miss it? ww

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: mousethief
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 07:38 PM

Some of my favorite bawdy songs are the ones where they set you up to expect a particular bawdy rhyme, then switch it at the last minute. Corny, I know.

The simplest and corniest of that genre is the cheerleader's yell:

Rah rah ree, kick 'em in the knee
Rah rah rass, kick 'em in the other knee!

But one of my favorites is Sweet Violets, part of which goes:

There once was a farmer who took a young miss
In back of the barn where he gave her a
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs,
And told her that she had such beautiful
Manners that suited a girl of her charms,
A girl that he wanted to take in his
Washing and ironing and then, if she did,
They could get married and raise lots of

Chorus:
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.

----- The old English folk song "Two Magicians" is a chasing-and-wooing sort of song but never really mentions sex.

I second the above vote for "My Husband Has No Courage In Him" which cracks me up.

I have a book called "The Erotic Muse" which is a collection of bawdy, dirty, and downright filthy folk songs. My second copy is out on loan but if it ever comes back I might be persuaded to sell it (perhaps on ebay?). I paid $8 for it. It's put out by University of Illinois Press.

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: GUEST,Joerg
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 10:17 PM

HOME, BOYS, HOME
ALABAMA'S CREW (in the DT)
YARMOUTH TOWN (not to be confused with 'Cruising Down Yarmouth')
THE FOGGY FOGGY DEW (not to be confused with 'THE FOGGY DEW')

Fun

Joerg

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Oversoul
Date: 23 Sep 00 - 10:51 PM

I can't thank you folks enough for all these titles! And by the way..."THE JOLLY BEGGAR" (listening to a version by Planxty as I type this)

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: DanMulligan
Date: 24 Sep 00 - 12:49 AM

"Music, sex, and cookies"

not about getting caught in the act.....it is an homage to the three most important things in life. Dan

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Barbara
Date: 24 Sep 00 - 01:24 AM

Wyowoman, the tune is in Alan of Oz's pretty little red numbers and ABC in the next (or previous) post. If you don't have his conversion program, I can send a MIDI by email. I think I have yours, don't I?
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: okthen
Date: 24 Sep 00 - 11:02 AM

The clock Winder has already been mentioned. I think the proper title is "THE GERMAN CLOCK WINDER". The first version I heard of this theme was "The German Musicianer" by Harry Cox.

cheers

bill

Subject: RE: Humorous Sex Songs
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 24 Sep 00 - 12:06 PM

I got permission to post the added verse to Johnny Go Easy.


She drank too much porter and I could not court her
She had one more pint and passed out on the floor
With no wits about her she spewed it all out her
I wish she were sober Like she was before.

Back to chorus


added verse by Mike Nicholsen and Zack Smith

Slán,
Rich