Subject: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 08:07 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'I've just visited the little boys room (more info than you need I know - but we all do it!) and had to replace the toilet roll AGAIN!!!! Three times now in three days! Why oh why oh why oh why are some people incapable of performing simple tasks????? IT MAKES ME MAD!!!! And why are us blokes supposed to put the seat down when we have finished? Why can't you women lift the seat up when you have finished instead??? Nothing worse than having to lift up a warm bog seat.... These are the important issues... We need answers.... Dave the Inquisitive Gnome |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Troll Date: 01 Feb 01 - 08:43 AM YOU replaced the bog roll? WAY TO GO, DAVE! Now they'll know that we know how to do it and they'll expect it from now on. Why do we have to put the seat down? It shows that we "care" and it's a damn sight cheaper that chocolates and flowers. Sheesh! Do we have to tell you young guys EVERYTHING? troll |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:07 AM My word! You use a lot of toilet paper Dave! Yours in admiration, mcmoo |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: LR Mole Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:11 AM Because you have one of those extra "u"'s in the word "humor".BUT as a fellow mechanical whiz (ha ha) who is the only one capable of manipulating the TP dispenser in a household of four (five if you count the dog, who isn't really involved) I begin another Mudcat poll: is the roll to be put hanging down next to the wall or over the top AWAY from the wall? I'm a wall-side guy, myself. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:14 AM I'm over the top... mcmoo |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:16 AM Away.... and I always tidy it up so the perforations are aligned (sad or what???) and I didn't use it all myself McMoo - honest!!! (Why McMoo BTW - I think it's a brill name) DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:23 AM Thanks Dave! ...it's short for McElroy Moore. mcmoo |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: alison Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:28 AM wall, ever tried a padded loo seat?... interesting sensation....lol slainte alison |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:32 AM My wife went into the ladies in a lovely old pub in Bilston, Staffs. About 30 seconds later she came out muttering about thinking again if they wanted her to go anywhere near the sponge padded, pink vinyl toilet seat...YUK. DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: alison Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:39 AM it's very odd... the first time I encountered one I wasn't expecting it..... sat down and thought I'm being absorbed into this loo........ I was expecting the usual hard seat... and kept sinking into this thing... so weird an experience that I dragged the blokes in the band into the ladies loos to experience it too...lol...... (sorry alan... your street cred is gone for good...lol).... they didn't have them in the gents...... slainte alison |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:46 AM they didn't have them in the gents...... Just as well realy;-) DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:51 AM wall side. Padded WHAT? Isn't that unhygenic? |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: flattop Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:04 AM Come on guys and gals. This is a music site. What's with the toilet humour? |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: kendall Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:12 AM In that little white washed building by the barn The most important building on the farm Grandpa cursed the devils soul When his pipe fell down the hole In that little white washed building by the barn... |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:14 AM Come on guys and gals. This is a music site. What's with the toilet humour? It's a cafe init??? Isn't it compulsory to have toilets in a cafe??? To keep it on track though - just in case - I'll go and pay a visit now - I'll whistle Handels WaterCloset Music to let everyone know I am there. (The lock broke weeks ago...) Any other suggestions? A bit of rock and toilet-roll? Bog Bad John? Oh deary, deary me, I must be bored.... DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Bun Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:18 AM My gramma, had a polystyrene cover on her toilet. It was always warm to sit on and kind of an uncomfortable feeling that you had just sat down seconds after someone else. i would like to point out that the first thread I ever started was about "constipation" this is not toilet humor, but I had lots of strange advice on how to cope with it - thank god I am not a mathematicion. Bun |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: bill\sables Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:22 AM I think the only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Michael in Swansea Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:34 AM Over the top. While we're on the subject, a couple of weeks ago one of the bars in Swansea opened a "twin pan loo" for the ladies. One cubicle two bog pans. Well? Mike |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:46 AM I thought My gramma, had a polystyrene cover on her toilet and the only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one were both brilliant song titles (where are you, Micca???) ...but where does Twin Pan Loo come into it? Isn't he a short green stripey guy in Star Wars - The Phantom Menace??? DtG, getting more and more brain dead by the second... |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Big Mick Date: 01 Feb 01 - 11:00 AM So this auld lad is sitting enjoying his morning constitutional on 1/2 of a two hole outhouse. In walks this fella who sits down beside him and they have a wonderful conversation. The auld boy stands up and as he does so a 25 cent piece falls out of his pocket and down the hole. "Bad luck" sez the other fella, as the auld boy takes out a $20.00 bill and throws it down the hole. "You damned fool" sez he, "what the hell did you do that for?" The auld lad sez "You don't think I am dumb enough to go down there for 25 cents, do you?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 11:14 AM Midnight Cowboys - in a Lancashire setting - were the blokes who came round in a horse and cart every night emptying the contents of peoples 'privies' into the cart before taking it away to be desposed of elsewhere... One warm summer night old Bert was shovelling away in his shirt sleves and knocked his jacket into the cart. "Bugger" he says as he puts his arm in... "Oh, bloody 'ell" says young George, retching, "It's only a jacket - can yer not get a new 'un?" "Aye," says Bert, fumbling about, "I could, but I've left me butties in't pocket..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Pseudolus Date: 01 Feb 01 - 11:38 AM Drunk gets up from the bar and goes into the mens room. A few minutes later there's a blood-curdling scream from inside. A few minutes later another scream. After the third scream the bartender goes to the door and yells, "Is everything ok in there?". The drunk yells out, "I'm trying to flush but every time I try, something reaches up a sqeezes the hell out of my balls!!" The bartender goes in and says, "Ya damned fool, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!"
Frank P.S. Is this thread creep, or a creepy thread? who knows!! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: mousethief Date: 01 Feb 01 - 12:08 PM Over the top. Definitely. Also, I too am the only person in the house capable of changing the roll. Or turning out the bathroom lights. Which is why I'm installing a timer knob for the damned things. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Snuffy Date: 01 Feb 01 - 01:05 PM Wall side, definitely. 3-year-olds like making the toilet roll spin round and round - and guess what happens if it's not wall-side! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Hollowfox Date: 01 Feb 01 - 01:06 PM I was raised Wall-side, my husband was raised over the top. For twenty years I put up with over the top behavior, and when he left, I told the kids that whoever changed the roll got to put it on either way, as they chose. There are enough "do it the right way" chores in the house without adding one more. (georgeward's lady wife told me to choose my battles wisely when it came to teenagers.) |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Micca Date: 01 Feb 01 - 01:17 PM Dave the Gnome, are you referring to "Flushed from the bathroom of your heart?? by any chance...I might add the warm seat as a verse.. if I can see how...mmmmmmm???? |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST Date: 01 Feb 01 - 02:19 PM Legman reported a joke book printed on a roll of toilet paper. Is that what disappeared? Thank heavens they didn't print sheet music on it, as all those sharps would make it as bad as corncobs to wipe with. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Feb 01 - 03:01 PM I'm an over-the-top man, by conviction. Indeed, so much so that if I find a roll installed wall-side I will take it out and fix it right! Dave Oesterreich, the Loo Pedant |
Subject: Lyr Add: FLUSH THE MAGIC TOILET (Ian Mills) From: bill\sables Date: 01 Feb 01 - 03:23 PM FLUSH THE MAGIC TOILET Ian Mills Flush was a magic toilet the finest in the land With golden bells and cherubs all around his ornate pan His pipes were made of silver his cistern was the same And down came crystal waters when you pulled that golden chain Flush the magic toilet lived by the sea And flourished in the autumn mist in a land called Peterlee Flush the magic toilet flowed into the sea Polluting all the beeches for the folk like you and me
Little Suzie Snodgrass used Flush every day
Little Suzie Snodgrass adored that magic loo
Flush lived in this little hut outside Suzie's door
Flush was so broken hearted when he found he'd lost his friend |
Subject: Lyr Add: LITTLE RUSTIC HUT (Watt Nichol) From: bill\sables Date: 01 Feb 01 - 03:47 PM LITTLE RUSTIC HUT Watt Nichol. Tune Garden where the Praties Grow In a little rural village that's where I was born With silver flowing streams and fields of flowing corn But in my childhood memories the thing I most recall Was the little rustic hut that stood against the garden wall
There were flowers in our garden a pleasure for to see
I often used to curse when just a tiny tot
First time I saw it I never shall forget
As I sat on my little hole one night I had a plan
My father often came home drunk when I was only young
Though the house was bared and shuttered it was burgled twice or more |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Liz the Squeak Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:25 AM Tune: Little Black Stove.
In the little shed down the back, Well, I got a bit flustered by the end.... Micca, don't even think about it. And if this is a music site, what about all the verses of 'Oh dear what can the matter be?' And ours is upright, on a spike. No walls near enough and I refuse to turn 180 degrees, wrenching my back, spraining my wrists and dislocating my shoulders to get it off the top of the cistern. Whose stupid idea is it to put loo roll holders behind the loo. Daft or what?! LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Gervase Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:34 AM Sorry, but this was irresistible: Please don't burn our shit-house down, Mother has promised to pay. Father's away on the ocean wave And sister's in the family way. Brother dear has gonorrhea And times is fucking hard; So please don't burn our shit-house down Or we'll all have to shit in the yard. Ah, I love those ol' tearjerkers! |
Subject: Lyr Add: SWEET VIOLETS From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 02 Feb 01 - 08:33 AM I'm sure I posted this version of Sweet Violets to an earlier thread but it's not one of the three in the DT. One of the first "naughty" songs I learned which my grandpa taught me (to grannie's disgust!). SWEET VIOLETS (Dedicated to the workers at Minworth sewage works) They say that your father's a muckman And works in the middens all night And when he comes home in the evening He's covered all over in— CHORUS: Sweet Violets Sweeter than the roses Covered all over from head to toe In sweet violets When he comes home for his breakfast There in his chair he will sit Have four or five mouthfuls of breakfast And four or five mouthfuls of— CHORUS They say that he's kind to his children To please him they try all their might But when he's dead, they will bury him In four or five acres of— CHORUS RtS |
Subject: Lyr Add: SHINE YOUR BUTTONS WITH BRASSO From: The Walrus at work Date: 02 Feb 01 - 08:49 AM An addition to Roger's offering SHINE YOUR BUTTONS WITH BRASSO My old dad was a hard working sewerman He shoveled by day and by night And when he got home in the evening He stank of the smell of the .. Shine your buttons with Brasso It's only three ha'pence a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolworths But I don't think they've got any in. (verse forgotten) Some say that he died of a fever Some say that he died of a fit But I know what my old dad died of He died of the smell of the .. Shine your buttons with Brasso It's only three ha'pence a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolworths But I don't think they've got any in. Some say that he's buried in gravel Some say that he's buried in grit But I know what my old man's buried in He's buried in six foot of ... Shine your buttons with Brasso It's only three ha'pence a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolworths But I don't think they've got any in. Sorry I couldn't remember verse 2. Regards Walrus |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin Date: 02 Feb 01 - 09:48 AM a definite over the top, especially for those occasional night visits.
It's frustrating fiddling around in the dark, trying to find the leading edge, especially if the despenser is recessed in the wall.
And please lads, seat down, there is nothing worse than expecting to find familiar firm resistance, only to discover the shock of your knees at ear level and your bottom dipped in icy water. It takes more than flowers and chocolate to put one in a good mood after that. (tiny women have been known to disappear and come back later with their attorneys)
On the other hand, for a male there is also nothing worse than having to take a desparate whizz only to discover a fluffy toilet seat cover which refuses to stay up mid-stream. Standing on one foot whilst holding the lid open with the other, is a challenge to both balance and aim. And kneeling holding the lid up with your forehead would, only appeal to some religious groups. Although, an acceptable alternative could be the bath tub, your aim doesn't have to be good and you can always rinse it out if you care to. This will depend on the degree of mutual contempt in the relationship. Or alternatively, you could follow the path of my cousin who sleep walked to the clothes closet to relieve himself. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Gervase Date: 02 Feb 01 - 10:06 AM I wonder if your cousin is related to a pal of mine. In the time I've known him he's pissed in or on: (1) a wardrobe; (2) an ornamental punch bowl in someone's china cabinet; (3) a telephone; (4) my head. A strange lad, it's true, but it's amazing how much you can forgive a good singer! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Bun Date: 02 Feb 01 - 10:16 AM |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin Date: 02 Feb 01 - 10:19 AM ROFLMAO ......what can one say......perhaps a little Bacchanalian like my cousin as well? |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Bun Date: 02 Feb 01 - 10:19 AM whoops..........used the keyboard not the mouse, and before I knew it .........gone.
I once knew someone who was sleeping in a large hall with many others, after a hard drinking, singing night he got up onto the stage and proceeded to pee on all those in range - thankful i was not among them! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin Date: 02 Feb 01 - 10:47 AM To the tune of Viva la Companie
Archibald jumped up and down on the porch
Open the door songs of my youth.... |
Subject: Lyr Add: THE PASSING OF THE BACKHOUSE (J W Riley) From: Bill D Date: 02 Feb 01 - 11:37 AM THE PASSING OF THE BACKHOUSE When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles and tears, A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years. Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more, And hurrying feet a path had made straight to its swinging door. Its architecture was a type of simple classic art, But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part; And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy. We had our posy garden that the women loved so well. I loved it too, but better still I loved the stronger smell That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer, And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that human life was near. On lazy August afternoons it made a little bower, Delightful, where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour; For there the summer morning its very cares entwined, And berry bushes redded in the steaming soil behind. All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing flies That flitted to and from the house, where Ma was making pies. And once a swarm of hornets bold had built a palace there, And stung my unsuspecting aunt—I must not tell where; Then father took a flaming pole—that was a happy day— He nearly burned the building up, but the hornets left to stay. When summer blooms began to fade and winter to carouse, We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs. But when the crust was on the snow and sullen skies were gray, In sooth, the building was no place where one could wish to stay. We did our duties promptly there, one purpose swayed the mind; We tarried not, nor lingered long, on what we left behind. The torture of the icy seat would make a Spartan sob, For needs must scrape the goose-flesh with a lacerating cob, That from a frost-encrusted nail hung pendant by a string. My father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing. When grandpa had to "go out back" and make his morning call, We'd bundle up the dear old man with muffler and a shawl. I knew the hole on which he sat—'twas padded all around, And once I dared to sit there—'twas all too wide I found; My loins were all too little and I jack-knifed there to stay. They had to come and get me out or I'd have passed away. Then father said ambition was a thing boys should shun, And I must use the children's hole till childhood's days were done. But still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true; The baby hole, and the slender hole that fitted Sister Sue. That dear old country landmark; I've tramped around a bit, And in the lap of luxury my lot has been sit; But e'er I die I'll eat the fruit of trees I robbed of yore, Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door. I ween the old familiar smell will soothe my jaded soul; I'm now a man, but none the less, I'll try the children's hole. James Whitcomb Riley |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lonesome EJ Date: 02 Feb 01 - 12:12 PM the definition of TORQUE- This phenomenon occurs to many men the morning after imbibing a quantity of beer. The only option in this case is to sit down to take a whiz. TORQUE is what raises your heels off of the floor when you do this. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Grab Date: 02 Feb 01 - 12:31 PM Hmm, seat up or down? According to Metchosin, women'll sit down without checking where they're sitting. Now me, I tend to close the lid as well - what's the female response to this? Just pee on the fluffy cover? ;-) Incidentally, closing the loo seat and lid isn't out of courtesy, it's force of habit. We had a cupboard above the loo where we kept various toiletry stuff. After one toothbrush too many dropped down the pan, I decided enough was enough... To follow up the stories of strange places, I once peed in a rucksack whilst sleepwalking - the owner was not impressed the following morning! Grab. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: R! Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:19 PM Over the top. Seat and lid down after using. NO fluffy covers - ick. Why do grown up people refer to the toilet as the little boys/girls room? This is not a joke - I've always wondered about that phrase. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: sophocleese Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:29 PM My father-in-law stopped using the phrase "little boys room" after a long car journey. He walked into his son's house and said he had to use the little boy's room. His four year old grandson took him by the hand and showed him where he slept, where he kept his clothes, and every toy in his room. My poor father-in-law was in agony before his wife rescued him. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: R! Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:33 PM Funny story! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Metchosin Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:38 PM Grab, only in the dark in my own house. *BG* And I have to leave the lid up, the dogs couldn't cope if denied access to their favourite watering hole. No fluffy covers, my husband wouldn't be able to cope either. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Snuffy Date: 02 Feb 01 - 06:28 PM And if any of you Yanks come to Britain you'll find that the bathroom is the room with a bath in it. It may also have a toilet, but don't count on it - most WCs are in a small room of their own. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Banjer Date: 02 Feb 01 - 08:51 PM What's with all this talk of fluffy covers and padded seats. Are none among us who belong to the group that lobby and are active in the preservation of wooden toilet seats? Known in formal circles as 'THE BIRCH JOHN SOCIETY' |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: rangeroger Date: 03 Feb 01 - 12:33 AM Over the top. This summer I read a story about a 75 year old man in Virginia who hadjust come back from the store and was preparing to sit on the porchand play his banjo.He decided to use the outhouse first and it collapsed while he was in it. He had apparently built the outhouse himself 50 years ago and it was still in the original condition. He lay there for 3 days until the post man realized he hadn't picked up his mail and walked around back to check the back door.He then heard feeble noises from the outhouse and found the old man caught in the shattered boards.He was very dehydrated and had some broken ribs but was otherwise ok. He hadn't fallen all the way down. Afterwards he stated that maybe it was time to build a new outhouse. rr |