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Help: Scottish humor sought
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Subject: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,leeneia Date: 18 Feb 01 - 10:38 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'In June some friends and I are going to perform for a half-hour slot in the harp tent at some Highland games. All the acts tend to be the same - people play Loch Lomond, Annie Laurie, etc. I would like to change the pace by doing something humorous, either singing clever songs or telling jokes from Scotland. Does anybody have any suggestions for where to find them? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST, WYSIWYG Date: 18 Feb 01 - 10:41 PM I'll PM little john cameron for you. ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Amergin Date: 18 Feb 01 - 10:59 PM I didn't know the Scots had a sense of humor.... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: DonMeixner Date: 18 Feb 01 - 11:18 PM They don't, they rent all they need from Wales. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: pict Date: 18 Feb 01 - 11:49 PM God was talking to the arch angel Gabriel he said "Gabriel I'm going to create a beautiful land with mountains and forests full of wild game,the seas around it will be teeming with fish of all kinds.I'm going to fill it with beautiful rivers and lochs filled fish.In short I'm going to create a wonder of nature and after that I'm going to populate it with a fine,strong,handsome people who are intelligent,industrious,inventive,courageous,hardy,poetic and musical in short I'm going to give them all the best of human virtues and this people will be known as the Scots and their land will be called Scotland." Gabriel said"Hold on God old man don't you think that's a bit unfair to all the other less fortunate humans" God replied"Ah! you haven't seen who I'm giving them for neighbours" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: JulieF Date: 19 Feb 01 - 07:34 AM Make it Dark, Dry and witty But that may just be my preferences All the best Julie |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Mr Red Date: 19 Feb 01 - 07:46 AM The map of the UK looks uncannily like a dog. Cornwall-hind paws, Wales stomach and front paws, Norfolk (and good) the hippies, and of course, Scotland the brains. BUT the best bit - Just look where they put London! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Rick E Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:08 AM Given the above successes I'm hoping someone can help with a request for one very specific joke's punchline involving that island to the west of Scotland (there, I"m still on topic [wink]). I heard the joke told by Dave Allen and know the setup but not the punchline which, amaziningly enough, in the last 15 years nobody has come up with. Briefly, it deals with a man looking for "The Great O'Toole, stongest man in all the world". Walking along the road, he sees a man driving fence posts into the ground with his bare hands. "Ah, you must be The Great O'Toole!" "No, sor, Oi'm not him. He's much stronger." This can be dragged out as long as it takes to re-tune or change a string with people squeezing water out of rocks, etc. But I have no clue as to how this joke ends! Scottish humor: "Dark, Dry and (one hopes) witty" Angus Campbell is sitting up with his wife who's feeling very poorly indeed. In fact, it's clear she'll not see the next week. Now Campbell is a very thrifty man and sees no need for electric lights, using only candles in the house. After a couple of days of tending his wife, a letter arrives. Campbell gets up, puts on his traveling clothes and says, "I've business in Glasgow that canna wait. If ye feel yerself slippin' away, blow out the candles first." Cheers, Rick |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Scabby Doug at work Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:11 AM Two Glasgow ladies meet for lunch in a city centre tearoom. They are discussing what kind of cakes and pastries to have to accompany the main repast.. Lady: Excuse me dear, is that a cake or a meringue? Waitress: Naw, hen, ye're right enough - it's a cake... Cheers |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,cretinouis yahoo Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:39 AM Rick, it ends finally with a man so strong he can grab himself by the scruff of the neck and hold himself out at arms length. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Tony in Sweden Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:42 AM Woman goes into the Butchers She asks the man, "Is that a sheeps heid ye huv?" "Naw missus", says the man, "It's just the way I part ma hair" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Crazy Eddie Date: 19 Feb 01 - 09:15 AM Rick E, If you look on the "Tall Tales" thread, you'll find that Naemanson posted this very Joke (US version) a day before you posted your question. Now, I'm used to quick answers on the 'Cat, but posting answers the day before the question...... Makes you wonder |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Big Tim Date: 19 Feb 01 - 11:40 AM A guy collapsed here recently and they took him to hospital. His wife told the ambulance man that he had been on a diet of whisky and haggis, and nothing else, for the last six months. The took him to the Burns Unit. (Thanks Bobby Eaglesham) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: little john cameron Date: 19 Feb 01 - 11:51 AM There wiz a fair here last fall an' there wiz man there wi' a wee plane takin' folk up fur a spin. Auld Angus an' hiz wife wanted tae try a wee hurl so Angus asked the man how much it wiz. He said "ten dollars". The frugal Angus said "Ah canny afford that, ah'm an auld age pensioner". "Well ah'll tell te whit." the man said. "It's no' busy the noo, so if ye promise no' tae speak ah wurd while yer up there, ah'll take ye fur nuthin'". "Okay" says Angus."In we go, Margaret." So aff they went!! The pilot hud the wee plane birlin' aw ower the sky dae'in loop the loops, immellman turns an' aw' kinds o' tricks, but Angus never said a wurd. When they came doon the man wiz amazed an' asked Angus how he managed tae keep quiet aw' through that as fowk were usually screamin' by that time? "Och" says Angus,"it wizney easy; ah nearly spoke up when MARGARET FELL OOT!" ljc |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Amos Date: 19 Feb 01 - 12:27 PM The waitress was indignant when the stranger at the coffee shop tipped her a ha'penny. "The champion miser in all Aberdeen," she remonstrated, "comes here, and even he tips me a penny!" To which the dour customer replied as he got up to leave, "Meet the new champion." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:06 PM And then, how do you make copper wire? Two Scots fighting over the same penny. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Bill McDonald Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:11 PM An Irishman visited Scotland to take in the good fishing, but all day he'd had no luck. A Scot passing by noticed the glum look on the Irishman's face and inquired as to the problem. Informed that the fish wouldn't bite, he asked the man to pull in his line. On the end was a small worm. "Ach," said the Scot, "That's the problem." Whereupon he pulled out flagon of scotch and poured it over the worm. "Try that." The man recast, but as the Scot was walking away he heard a shout. "Help, help!" Turning, he saw the Irishman struggling with the rod. "What's the matter, is it hung up on a rock?" "Begorrah, no! The worm's got a six foot trout by the throat and he won't let go!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Bill McDonald Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:14 PM You know, it was the Scots who invented the stone wall. It wasn't so much they needed a fence. They just couldn't stand to see perfectly good rocks going to waste. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,guestguestguest(intruder)at work Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:38 PM methinks the funniest ting the scots ever done the battle of bannockburn tho i'm sure de english dinna ken the humour of it |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Bill D Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:42 PM I tried to search the net for this joke...and indeed it is there, but it seems to have copied and pasted from one or two sources over & over and is is a pale imitation of the longer form, which I attempt to reproduced here from memory:
..Into an apothecary shop one day walks a young Scottish military officer. He heads to the counter and asks the druggist/apothecary,(insert proper dialect if mine is not accurate) "Have ye no got any cheaper?".."Well, here is a 3pack for 15p"...The young officer wrinkles of his forehead, thinking...then says, "Well, I'll be back", and heads off.
Twenty minutes later, he's back. "Are ye sure that's the cheapest ye have?".."Yes, I've shown you all I have." So the officer thinks again and says.."I'll be back." And off he goes. This time it is 30 minutes,,,but he does come walking in slowly..."So..8p is the best ye can do for one?", he asks hopefully. "I told you", says the apothecary firmly.."I'd be doin' ye a favor to break a package"....The young fellow reaches into his pocket(sporran?) and extracts a little foil packet which he carefully unfolds, revealing a used condom. The apothecary says, "Hoot man, Wat be this yur'er thrustin' befor me?" .."So", asks the officer,"Do ye take trade-ins?".... The apothecary loses patience.."NO!Ye must be daft, mon!..We do no such thing! I sell new ones, and that poor worn out thing is of NO use to me or anyone else!" "Ah..weel, then...I'll be back," and off he goes. And this time it is 45 minutes before he returns. With a sigh, he opens the foil packet and deposits the used condom in the waste bin beside the counter and says to the glaring apothecary, "Weel, I'm sorry to have been so much trouble to you, sir, but if ye'd be so kind as to break that 3-pack...the regiment has voted..we'll be havin' a new one."
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST Date: 19 Feb 01 - 04:46 PM At a folk festival at which I was a volunteer, there were also others, some new to the folk scene. The festival starts with a parade led by a highland pipe band. At the performers check-in was a green volunteer. When the pipe leader, about 6 foot 6 inches, and about 240 lbs, went to the check-in the volunteer looked up and said "Oh, you must be the pipe team". He gave a her a withering look, puffed out his chest, gave a little swirl of his kilt and in his deep bass voice said, "No, we're the transvestite dance team". |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Murray MacLeod Date: 19 Feb 01 - 05:19 PM Leeneia, You should have more than enough material there to see you through your half hour. For humorous songs, may I recommend Adam McNaughtan's "Cholesterol", and Jack Foley's "A Bottle of the Best". But quite honestly, the audiences at Highland Games in the USA (I assume the Games you are playing are in the USA) just love hearing the same old crap over and over again. Been there, done that. Best of luck, and have fun. Murray |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: NH Dave Date: 19 Feb 01 - 05:39 PM It is a hot day in the pub so the doors are open and a Scotsman, an Irishman and an English man each discover a fly in their drinks. The Irishman flicks the fly from the head of his Guinness without giving it a thought. The Englishman summons the waiter over and calmly intones, "There's a fly in my drink!" And there's the Scotsman, holdin' the fly by its wings and growlin', "Spit it oot you wee bugger spit it oot!" Dave |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: bill\sables Date: 19 Feb 01 - 05:43 PM What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut? Ye can get a drink out of a coconut. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Bill D Date: 19 Feb 01 - 06:31 PM McTavish has dropped in on his old friend, Armstrong, and after an hours chat, allows he must be going... "Och,"says Armstrong, "I have forgotten my manners..now before ye go off, ye'll be havin' a wee dram with me, won't you?"
"Ah..weel, since ye ask, I winna say no," nods McTavish. "So..how is the drink?", asks Armstrong. "Ah,it's fine...fine..", replies McTavish, taking a third, tentative sip. "But, I dinna see the smile of a man enjoying good whisky," says Armstrong.."..the drink..it is no to yer likin'?" "No, no..it's fine," repeats McTavish, " I do have one wee question, though...when ye poured the drink, did ye put in the whisky, or the water first?" "Why, ye were right here..ye know full weel I poured the whisky first!" "Ah," says Armstrong, nodding "...good...I'll be comin' to it then!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Bill D Date: 19 Feb 01 - 06:40 PM and, of course, that's McTavish again in the last line.. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Jimmy C Date: 19 Feb 01 - 09:28 PM A scotsman was walking down the street in Glasgow and he found a new box of Dr, Scholls Corn Plasters (Bandages). So he went in and bought himself a pair of tight fitting shoes. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,SCabby Doug at work Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:06 AM A bodhran-playing friend told me that he plays the Scottish bodhran, rather than the Irish model. I was hooked and asked what the difference. He:"Well an Irish bodhran is quieter." Me:"Why?" Him: "It's covered with goat skin" Me:"And the Scottish one?" Him: "Covered in the skin of an Englishman" Me:"And why's that louder?" Him: "You couldn't possibly hit it hard enough" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Tony in Sweden Date: 20 Feb 01 - 09:17 AM An Aberdonian was visiting London. Walking along Oxford St, he noticed a penny lying at the edge of the kerb. Stepping off the kerb, he bent down to pick it up and was run over and killed by a bus. Coroners verdict... Death through natural causes! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,leeneia Date: 20 Feb 01 - 10:47 AM Thanks, everyone. I see some jokes I could use at a festival -- the joke about the fisherman, perhaps the one about the flies in the beer. As for jokes like those about the bodhran made from an Englishman's skin, quite frankly, I've lost too many relatives to wars caused by European factionalism to be amused by that kind of thing. It's time to let that stuff die out. I don't get the joke about the cake vs meringue at the tea shop at all. Perhaps it's incomplete. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Tony in Sweden Date: 20 Feb 01 - 10:49 AM Leeneia "is that a cake "OR AM I WRONG" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: jonilog Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:03 PM A woman walked into a butcher's shop where the butcher was standing with his back to the fire-place. She said,"Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?" He replied " Naw, I'm jist heatin' ma hauns." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Mr Red Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:16 PM If the same old crap will do:- What's the difference between Walt Disney & Bing Crosby? (In a Glaswegian accent) Bing sings and Walt Disna. Wha's a Hindu? Lays eggs. groan groan groaon. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Steve Latimer Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:19 PM A tourist walking past a Glasgow Pub noticed a long line up outside. He looked inside, saw that the place was empty and seemingly opened for business. He wandered in, asked the Barman if they were in fact open for business. The barman assured him they were and would he like to order. The fellow orders a pint of their finest lager. The barman says "that'll be one pence." The fellow pays up and has one of the finest pints he's ever tasted. He asks the barman if he's sure about the price and is assured that is the price of a pint. The fellow then says, "what's with the line-up out Front?" the Barman says, "oh' that's the regulars, they're waiting for Happy Hour". |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Naemanson Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:34 PM GUEST,Rick E, I did indeed post that story in the Tall Tales thread. I haven't thought of it for years and had to work some to dredge it up. I can't believe it would surface in two place almost at once. Thanks, Crazy Eddie, for pointing that out. amazing isn't it? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST Date: 20 Feb 01 - 01:25 PM Two shipwrecked Scots sailors were washed onto an unknown shore. With some trepidation they decided they had to go find something to eat and a way back home. After about a five mile trudge they came to a gallows from which dangled a body. "Hoot, mon! We're in luck. We've landed in a civilized country."
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: sara_grl Date: 20 Feb 01 - 01:55 PM Looking for bagpipe/Scottish jokes that will make your side ache? Scroll through some of these: They're not all A-1 material but fun just the same.
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Mountain Dog Date: 20 Feb 01 - 03:02 PM "And remember," intoned the minister as the offering plate was passing among the congregation, "The Lord loveth a cheerful giver!" As the plate neared Auld McTavish, the tightest man ever to polish a pew, the minister gave him a highly significant look. "Today, I'll be askin ye, each and every one, t'give until it hurts!" McTavish took the plate and held it for a long moment, staring fixedly into its depths with a grimace that bespoke the deepest agony...and then passed it along no whit heavier than when it had arrived in his lap. The minister could not contain his indignation and roared from the pulpit: "Damn ye, McTavish! Did ye nae hear me say to give until it hurt, mon?" McTavish replied with equal heat: "Oh, aye!" he cried, perspiration beading his ruddy forehead. "An I'd have ye know, ye great lout, the vurrah thought of it hurt!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Mountain Dog Date: 20 Feb 01 - 03:17 PM Angus and Fergus were the best of friends and had always been so. Each would do anything for the other, and both knew it. One day, Angus, feeling the bitter wind of age tugging at his collar, called his old friend to his side and asked him for a favor. "Name it," replied Fergus. "I've saved a quart of ancient hieland whusky that were put up by m'da on the day that I were born and should I pass away a'fore ye, I'd ask ye, Fergus, to unstopper the cork and drain it to the last drop out upon m'grave. Would ye do that for me, my oldest, dearest bosom friend?" "Aye," replied Fergus, the mist gathering in his eye as he looked into the face of his ailing friend. "And I have one favor to ask ye in return." "Name it," replied Angus. "Would ye mind at all if I passed it just once through me kidneys forst?" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Naemanson Date: 20 Feb 01 - 03:48 PM Three women were walking along a road when they spied a man in full kilt lying drunk in a ditch. They wondered who he might be but his face was under the roadside brush and obscured by mud. One of the women took a stick and carefully lifted the hem of the man's kilt. After a long hard look she let the hem drop and said, "Weel, he isnae my husband." The second woman took the stick and glanced under the kilt. She let the hem drop and said, "Ye're right!" The third woman took a look and said, "He isnae e'en from our village!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Hollowfox Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:15 PM There was a new minister come to the kirk. Two auld dames attended the first service, not entirely trusting the ministering capabilities of anyone but the now-retired former minister. After the service, one asked the other,"What did you think of that new young fellow's sermon?" "There was but three things wrong with it. It was read (pronounced "reed", of course), it was no' weel reed, and it was no' worth the readin'." I love Scottish diplomacy. And if Jeri or georgeward or somebody from that neighborhood knows where that joke came from, I'm going nuts trying to remember who told it to me! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Hollowfox Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:29 PM And, courtesy of my father, two pipe jokes that weren't on the link: The Irish gave the Scots the pipes, and the Scots haven't gotten the joke yet. A piper needed the cloth cover on his pipes cleaned, so he removed it from the instrument and took it to the dry cleaner's. The person behind the counter took the cloth, turned it over and over, examined it closely, and finally asked, "Mister, just what kind of dog have you got??" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Blind Desert Pete Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:54 PM A scot goes into his pub for his pint, has it drawn for him, looks criticaly at the bishops collar and asks the landlord "do you think there is room in this glass for a wee dramof wiskey?" "Aye" says the publican,"well then fill it up with beer mon" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Blind Desert Pete Date: 20 Feb 01 - 07:05 PM True story: A friend, touring scotland was being ragged,justifiebly so , by the locals about the size of his nose. So he says "dont you fellers know that a nose like this is a mark of royality?" "oh aye, and every crow in scotland ud be a duke" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Blind desert Pete Date: 20 Feb 01 - 07:09 PM And maybe the best of all. too long to go thru it all and not fit for on stage. but ends "But you f*** one bleeding goat" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,CraigS Date: 20 Feb 01 - 07:12 PM News flash: Two taxis have crashed in Aberdeen. Fortyseven passengers have escaped with minor injuries, both front seat drivers and three back seat drivers are off the danger list. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock Date: 21 Feb 01 - 09:37 AM What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones sing "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" and a Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe". |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: john c Date: 21 Feb 01 - 12:06 PM And sex is what Edinburgh people get their coal in..... |
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Subject: Lyr Add: THE SILLY BLIND HARPER (Child #192) From: haprzombie Date: 21 Feb 01 - 05:20 PM THE SILLY BLIND HARPER
O heard you of a silly Harper,
But first he gaed to his gude wife
Quo' she, thou has a gude grey mare,
And tak' a halter in they hose,
Syne ca' her out at yon back yeate,
So he is up to England gane,
Come in, quo' he, thou silly blind Harper;
The King looks O'er his left shoulder,
And ay he harped, and ay he carpit,
And ay he harped, and ay he carpit,
Syne to the stable door he hies,
He took the halter frae his hose,
He ca'd her out at yon back yeate,
The grey mare was right swift o' fit,
When she came to the Harper's door,
Then up she raise, pat on her claes,
Come haud thy peace, then foolish lass,
The neighbours too that heard the noise,
But on the morn at fair day light,
Alace! alace! says the silly blind Harper,
Come had thy tongue, thou silly blind Harper
Source: James Johnson & Robert Burns, The Scots Musical Museum, vol. VI; Number 579, p. 598 published 1803 |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: haprzombie Date: 21 Feb 01 - 05:30 PM The Scotsman ("The Scotsman" - Bryan Bowers, written by Mike Cross) Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair, And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share. He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet, And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. Chorus: Ring ding diddle iddle ay dee oh, Ring di diddly ay oh, (repeat last line of previous verse) About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by, One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye: "See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built? I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!" (Chours) They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be; Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see. And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scotish skirt, Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth. (Chorus) They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone. Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow, Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show. (Chorus) Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees. Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees. And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes, "Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!" (Chorus) More songs are appreciated, SEND THEM HERE. We can do all the set-up, just send your text file. Other Songbooks: Around the Campfire, Marian of Heatherdale, Cynred's Sangboc, Clan McGregor, Ealdormere Disclaimer, Credits, Site Map, Lists, Problems. Webbed for the greater glory of Ealdormere, and maintained by Tempus Peregrinator tempus@ealdormere.sca.org |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Kim Hughes Date: 21 Feb 01 - 05:37 PM This one may not come across too well on this (the US) side of the Atlantic, but it's my favorite Scottish joke: Q: What do you call a pigeon at Aviemore? A: A skean dugh. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Kim Hughes Date: 21 Feb 01 - 05:42 PM Oops, sorry, I think that should have been "sgian dugh." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: haprzombie Date: 21 Feb 01 - 05:59 PM The Poxy Boggards The Bawdy Parts Seedy Songbook Text And Music The Bawdy Parts Seedy Songbook This is an even better deal than the Poxy Boggards' Hymnal! Twenty one songs, accompanied and a cappella, all with lyrics! This fine collection includes every song listed on the CD Bawdy Parts, in order, so you can sing and play along! Book at $12.00Add to Cart, price: $12.00 Shopping Cart Note that ordering is handled through Lunar Traders View Contents Checkout SamplesWaveMP3Track TitlesAgincourt CarolWee Be Three Poore MarinersPass The HatLord Howard's RoundDerby RamJolly Red NoseAll For Me GrogGod Save Thee, Fair BarleyArrival At BathLong May The Burlap WaveWe Be Soldiers ThreeTan Ta Ra Ran Tan TantHappy Jack's Undrinkable AleItches In Me BritchesGod Bless The Human ElbowThe Ballad Of Jacob McFeeBring Us A BarrelFye, nay, prithee JohnThe Drinker's PraiseThe Parting GlassDrink Old England Dry © 1996 by Savage Music Publishing All Rights Reserved Edited By Tim Cadell The original songs in this book are copyright by their respective owners. All rights to them are reserved, except that public performance is allowed. For further permission, please contact Savage Music Publishing at The Jester's Court Email to The Poxy Boggards through Stu Venable: sturv@earthlink.net We're always looking for new items. If you are a musician, storyteller or other performer of folk traditions, and are interested in selling through the The Jester's Court, drop us a line at the addresses below or read our introduction page. We're always interested in new material. Educational material is shipped without shipping charges, as a service. Our address is: The Jester's Court 4572 KEEVER AVE LONG BEACH CA USA 90807 TEL:(800) 9-MADRIGAL (800-962-3744) Email to The Jester's Court through The Jester's Court: jester@savageresearch.com This Madrigals/Renaissance Music WebRing site is owned by Tim Cadell. Want to join the Madrigals/Renaissance Music WebRing? [Skip Prev] [Prev] [Next] [Skip Next] [Random] [Next 5] [List Sites] Button This site abides by the View our Refund Policy Schedule of Upcoming Performances Modify Schedule of Events Go Back To Our Home Page Links to Related Sites To reach The Jester's Court by email, use jester@savageresearch.com. Note that this is NOT direct email to our artists. To find these addresses (where available), check the artist's web page itself. v |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,leeneia Date: 21 Feb 01 - 07:18 PM Getting better. Blind Desert Pete, what's "the bishop's collar"? Is it the head of foam or is it the exposed glass at the top of the pint? We used to call beer-bottle-openers "church keys." Was taken aback when a group of twenty-somethings didn't recognize the term. All they know is pull tabs and screw-offs, of course. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Superdad Date: 22 Feb 01 - 09:52 AM I'd have thought there would be more jokes about sheep. That seems to be the favourite subject of the English regarding the Scots. David aka superdad |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Tony in Sweden Date: 22 Feb 01 - 10:11 AM Superdad, A Scotsman never jokes about the one he loves! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock Date: 22 Feb 01 - 11:43 AM I like to think mine was more of an anti-sheep-shagging joke. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Gary Owens Date: 22 Feb 01 - 02:16 PM A different version of the three old ladies finding the Scot passed out on the roadside from drink continues ... to teach him a lesson, one lady takes a blue ribbon from her dress, ties it around his wee Scotty, and they go along their way. When he revives sometime later, he heeds the call of nature and upon noticing the blue ribbon, says to wee Scotty, " I don't know where you've been laddie, but Im proud to see you won first Prize !" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Glenbogie of Glenbogie Date: 22 Feb 01 - 07:55 PM There's not a single joke here that's new to me. I've heard every one and they didna raise a smile at the first telling. You might get away with it in America but for the love of uisge don't ever try this crap on true Scots. Especially not at the Games, they're far too serious an affair. If you really want Scots' humour try an evening with Ian McCalman or the Big Yin himself wee Connelly. They'll have you in stitches till your arse aches and not a joke in sight. Scots' Humour is a frame of mind. For instance, McCalman on the floods in England. - "We were going to arrange a parcel drop with the Red Cross, but cucumber and cress are out of season." "We have floods in Scotland all the year round. We call them Lochs." "The trick is to build yer hoose On the hill, not in the pretty valley looking up at them." The only person who can make a Scot laugh with him is another Scot. Otherwise we're too busy laughing at all of ye. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: sheila Date: 23 Feb 01 - 08:21 AM Glenbogle - I agree with you that Ian is incredibly funny, but so much of his humour is in the way he delivers the lines, not just the words. Transcribed, his stuff is mildly amusing, but in person it's hilarious. Much of what I think of as Scottish humour is related to how it's done - a lift of the eyebrow, a little smile, the attitude of the body, and of course timing and tone. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,MacTattie Date: 23 Feb 01 - 02:54 PM Ian McCalman, funny??? Glenbogie of Glenbogie and Shiela you realy must get out more. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Helen_Long@ed.gov Date: 23 Feb 01 - 03:19 PM This is an E-Mail address of kmcgirr@zenon.logos.cy.net and ask him to send you or tell you where to get a song called "THE WEE MAGIC STANE" it is about the Stone of Scone. It's cute/funny. See what you think. I got the song off http://www.geocites.com/Cape Canaveral/1690/words.htm Let me know how it goes at the Highland Games? Yours, Helen Long |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Gl Date: 24 Feb 01 - 06:54 PM |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Glenbogie of Glenbogie Date: 24 Feb 01 - 06:57 PM A surviving MacTattie? I thought we wiped you lot oot in the Massacre at Shillycranky in 1691 - for being boring and no knowing how tae spel proper. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Big Tim Date: 25 Feb 01 - 11:44 AM Glenbogie, if none of these jokes made you laugh then there's either something seriously amiss with your Sense of Humour or with that of the rest of the world. As my dear old mither used to say "everybody's oot o' step but oor Tim". Next time I'm haggis hunting up Glenbogie, watch out, or I'll "dook ye in a bogie" OK!
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Bernard Date: 25 Feb 01 - 04:48 PM Big Glaswegian to English Tourist: 'D'ye like Burns?' Terrified English Tourist: 'Why, yes!' Big Glaswegian stubs his cigarette out on end of English Tourist's nose... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: GUEST,Glenbogie of Glenbogie Date: 26 Feb 01 - 06:14 AM Och, Big Tim, Come On Man! These jokes are so old they could do with Carbon Dating. Most of them are recycled Yorkshire Jokes and, as we say, a Yorkshire Man is a Scot with all the charity squeezed out of him. I'm no much for tired old Haggis Jokes either. You don't hunt sausages so why pick on haggis just because it is round. If you're daft enough you eat it, if you're canny you sell it to the English in posh supermarkets and get them to eat it. We call it Braveheart's Revenge. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Big Tim Date: 26 Feb 01 - 07:19 AM Glenbogie, I bow to your fine wit. Do you know any funny, original, Scottish jokes. Today I just bought a copy of Cliff Hanley's "Skinful of Scotch" (1965) so here's another old one, though maybe, just maybe it will be new to someone, somewhere, some one perhaps under 30 maybe in foreign parts (south of Gretna, west of Ailsa Craig, etc). "So the big fella went into a pub near Ibrox [home of Rangers, the Protestant football team] and has an alligator with him on a lead and says to the barman "hey Mac do you serve Catholics in this bar?" Naturally the boys might have been annoyed in the normal way but they didny fancy the look of the alligator so they kept well back and looked respectful. The barman says, 'sure surr it's quite all right'. So the man says 'right a pint for me and a Catholic for ma pal here'. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: MGM·Lion Date: 11 Mar 12 - 03:55 AM Dr: What do you do about sex, Mr McTavish. Patient: Ah hae ma tea. ~Michael~ |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 30 Mar 16 - 12:03 PM This thing has got over thirty verses. As I am entering it on a public library guest computer, whose browser has a time-out, rarely does a long post clear through intact. So, chopped into several posts. Author: George MacIndoe, 1771 - 1848 lifelong Glaswegian: born in Partick, died in Paisley JOHN DUBS AND THE LAIRD; or, A MILLION OF POTATOES Last Martinmas thro' rain and sleet, At Cambernau'd the laird to meet On his auld spavied beast, Out o'er the hirst, and cross the bent To pay the bygane towmont's rent, John Dubs hotchan east. The laird sat noofan o'er his glass Baith rum and brandy, naething less, Stood sparkling on the table: -- John come awa, how's a' at hame? Is Janet weel? the mare't was lame For wark is she now able? What feck o' stirks an' milk cows hae ye? Your ploughman Tam is he still wi' ye? Good craps o' corn and bear, Pease, beans, potatoes, wheat, an' rye. Plenty o' clover for the ky I hope ye've had this year? -- I thank ye sir, quo' John, for speering, Tho' weel I wat scarce worth shearing was either corn or wheat; But saebins this is auld term day The rent nae doubt ye'll gar us pay Whether or no we hae't. John chirted out his hairy purse, Made frae the back o' some dead horse, As rough as ony spluchan; And while he counted o'er the cash The laird gar'd fill the stoup afresh And in his sleeve was laughan. John paid his rent, tho' wi' a grudge, The laird let grab, and gied a fidge, -- I hope ye'll never miss't; Here's to you John, I wish ye health May you an' yours wi' wit an' wealth O' warlds gier be blest: -- Syne routed up a glass for John, Who ne'er the less was thinking on A trap he had prepar'd, Upon the road, tho' cauld and wet, Nought troubled John but how to get Advantage o' the laird. to be continued |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 30 Mar 16 - 12:17 PM A MILLION OF POTATOES (second installment) The drive his sinfu' drift the sooner He maun begin wi' -- "please your honour' (Flattery wha can resist!) Ye hae a hunder' bows or twa, O' London dons, I never saw Ony sae gude amaist Your honour, sir, (and claw'd his head) I'd like a few for next years seed, If ye would let me hae them; -- How mony want ye quo' the laird, John thought a wee, an' fand his beard, Twa bows an ye could gi'e them? Twa bows, nae doubt, I might could spare, But a' the crap was sald fern-year To honest Walter Bryce, At half a guinea, every bow; Now, gin ye like, this year's to you I'll gi'e at the same price. But to disperse them a' in taits, Thro' different han's at different rates Altho' the price were doubled, Twa bows to this man, three to that, Four to a third -- 'deed John that's what I Ne'er could wi' be troubled, -- Weel, Weel, we'se no insist quo John, (Lengthen'd his face and gied a groan), It mak's but little matter; (A saint ye'd think, if ane's alive, But faith how mony beans make five That John Deil ane kens better.) Your honour's weel-being I wish (We mauna throw awa the dish Thinks he tho' Crummie fling) Lang may your usefu' life be spar'd We subjects a' had better far'd If ye had been the king. For Ne'er did mortal fill a throne Since that wise monarch Solomon That could wi' you compare. For wisdom, sense, and honesty; Your honour, muckle may ye hae, That muckle ay grow mair. In the laird's neeve John ramm'd his mill, The laird ca'd in another gill, (Things now are looking up); Thinks John, I see he's ta'en the bait, The fault's my ain if now I let The precious moment slip. to be continued |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 30 Mar 16 - 12:41 PM third installment Close to the laird John draws his chair, Who unsuspicious, unaware What a' this kindness meant; Go Sir, quo John I'm sure ye'll never Refuse a tenant this sma' favour --, What is it John ye want? (John oo'd and nicher'd like a stallion), Your dons, wer't but a single million, I'd be right happy o'er them: -- A million, John, ye're ay sae funny, A million canna be that mony, What will ye gi'a me for them? -- Your honour, sir, (hum ha) I think And rang the bell for pen an' ink, They'll run about ten pecks; -- For Twal pecks price, John, ye shall get them, -- They're counted gude by a' e'er are ate them, -- (John hirsel'd on his specks.) Your honour's will, a bargain be't We'll put it upon black an' white, In case it be forgot; It's lang e'er I the taties need, An' time gars things wear out o' head, -- The laird sign'd what John wrote. to be continued |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 30 Mar 16 - 12:56 PM fourth installment Four months elaps'd, seed-time drew on, To lift his bargain east gaes John, The laird look's o'er the yate; Good morrow sir! Weel John, what now? -- Ha, Sir, your honour fill'd me fou, Amaist, last time we met. Frithat I mind, that when right weel on, A million o' your dons -- quo John, (His auld gray head he scrunted;) -- Ay, that's as true, ye're very right, Bring yont your Tam tomorrow night An' we shall hae them counted. Deed sir (hum ha) 'twill tak some time To count a million, -- I'se gae hame An' bring Tam east to-morrow; An't answers you 'tween three an' four, Your lad an' him can count them o'er -- Frae Janet I shall borrow. A shilling, aible aughteen-pence, To make you some kind o' a mense For treating me sae weel, At Martinmas, in the head inn -- Ingratitude's a bigger sin Than traffic wi the Deil. Wi' what John said the laird was pleas'd Sae weel, his verra han' he squeez'd, and clapped him on his shoulder; -- At your ain time, John, I'll be blad To see you here the morn, and said He lik'd him as a brother. seven verses to go |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 30 Mar 16 - 01:10 PM A MILLION OF POTATOES (conclusion) Next day John and his ploughman Tam, Whose face was like a baccon ham Which baith round, brown, and fatis, Gaed yont, -- John's han' the laird he shook it, To count his man and Tam were yoket, Ten hunder' Thousand taties. Wi' neeves like grapes they to the guddle; The laird maun condescend to fuddle John's Janet's aughteen-pence: Hegh but this warld's ill divided, No' ae drap where it's far maist needed, -- "Mind self," is right gude sense. They counted a' that afternoon, Five hours close wark, when they were done Says Tam we'll hae them met; They measur'd just eight score of pecks, This job, I doubt, the laird will vex, But forty thousand yet. As day brake butter brake, -- the laird And John came stepping thro' the yard -- Weel lads how come ye on? Is this the million lying here? And are ye sure ye've counted fair? Wrang'd neither side, quo' John. The million, faith, it's nae sic thing, Ther's forty tousaand aff the bing -- Whilk measures just ten bows; -- The laird would neither bin nor haud, Stamped an' rag'd like ane stark mad, -- John calmly prim'd his nose. Ye needna be in sic a huff, Your rage I donna care a snuff, (Spits) That I dinna car't; I want nae mair than what's my right, -- Gae, says the laird, gae fraw my sight, -- Quo' John, I'm no' soon fear't. A plea commenc'd, John gain'd the day, Poor soul the laird was forc'd to pay A hundred pounds and ten E'er John would yield the grip he had; But feelingly the laird he bade Tak better care again. pp. 46 - 61, An Anthology of the Potato editor: Robert McKay Dublin: Allen Figgis & Co., for Irish Potato Marketing Company, 1961 "500 copies only" to repeat: Author: George MacIndoe |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: JenBurdoo Date: 30 Mar 16 - 01:53 PM Here's one from GM Fraser's McAuslan stories: An orangutan escaped from a circus as it passed near a Highland estate. A pair of ghillies were out hunting, when they found the ape lying dead in a ditch. They stared at it for a few minutes, then one said to the other: "It's too lang in the legs for a Fraser, and ower-hairy for a MacPherson. Run you up tae the Big Hoose, Erchie, and see if ony o' the gentry's missing." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Dave the Gnome Date: 30 Mar 16 - 02:22 PM Young lass asks McTavish what is worn under his kilt. "Nothing, lassie. It's all as good as new." "No," she says, "seriously, what's under there." So he takes her hand and puts it under his kilt. "Oh, it's gruesome!" she cries. "Well," he replies, "Have another feel. It's grew some more..." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Jim Carroll Date: 30 Mar 16 - 03:22 PM A man booked into a bed and breakfast in Morningside and on his first morning he was served a bowl of porridge, two rounds of toast and two pats of margarine. He asked the landlady if he might have some honey for his toast; she looked dubious, but disappeared into the kitchen, returning shortly with a minute thimble-sized pot ith a scoop of honey in it. He contemlated itt for afew seconds and finally said, "I see you keep a bee". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Gallus Moll Date: 30 Mar 16 - 04:38 PM Scottish humour (no' humor!) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: LadyJean Date: 30 Mar 16 - 08:22 PM My mother used to say the Highland Fling was invented by a Scot trying to pick a lot in a pay toilet. I was, in my youth, a competition Scottish Highland dancer. Now I say that I danced over two swords and still have all my toes. Oh, and there's the Scottish Official Board of Highland Dancing, called,the SOBHD. Make of that what you will. Then there's the classic, "What is worn under the kilt? Nothing madam. It is all in perfect working order." Oh, and a Scot wanted to be buried with a bottle of fine whiskey, and asked his friend to put it in his coffin. The friend said, "Aye, but do ye mind if I run it through first." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Rapparee Date: 30 Mar 16 - 08:29 PM How do you make copper wire? -Drop a penny between two Scotsmen. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Jim Carroll Date: 31 Mar 16 - 08:49 AM The Sots actually have a very fine, if somewhat dead-pan sense of humour – this is a story told by Belle Stewart at the Singers Club in the seventies. The Woman On The Scales. There was this old woman, you know, and she come fae the country and she was goin' tae Glesca and she cam' into the station and she had a half-an-hour to wait on her train. Well, she saw these machines at the station, you know, and she's walkin' doon the platform and it speaks your weight and tells your fortune when you put the money in. She says, "I dinna believe it!" However, she puts in the penny and the machine says, "You're fifteen stone. When you step off this machine you'll fart." She stepped off the machine, she give a hell of a fart. She says, "God, that's great! It does know." So on she goes and gets on again, and it says now, "You're fifteen stone and you're gaun tae be seduced when you walk off this machine." Off she gets, off the machine, and doon comes a big hieland man in, tearin' along the platform and he throws her to the ground and he makes passionate love to her. Oh my God, she's so exhausted. She says, "That's great! That's good! I must try it again." And she put another penny in and this time it says, "You are fifteen stone, but with all your fartin' and your fuckin' aboot you've missed your train!" Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Raedwulf Date: 31 Mar 16 - 03:27 PM "Oh, and a Scot wanted to be buried with a bottle of fine whiskey" - no, LadyJean, nae never, nae more. There be nae such thing as "fine whiskey". No E in whisky, you see... ;-) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 31 Mar 16 - 04:38 PM Hoo miny times dae a huv tae tell ye!....it's "mair" no' "more"! Ach ye 'll nivir mak a Scot.....puir cratur. :0). Howyedaein auld pal......hope yer well. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Joe_F Date: 31 Mar 16 - 06:21 PM The following story appeared (as truth) on another thread in this venue, but I cannot remember which. A rich American happened into a Scottish pub, and, feeling expansive after several drinks, ordered a round of the most expensive single-malt whisky -- on the rocks. The whole place fell silent, and after a pregnant pause, the publican said mildly, "I'm afraid our ice is rather warm this evening. Would you care to try the whisky neat?" He deserves consideration for Ambassador to the US when independence happens. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Thompson Date: 01 Apr 16 - 03:17 PM Would I be right in thinking most or all of the 'jokes' about supposed Scots meanness are English in origin? Freudian projection perhaps, ahem, since any Scots I've ever known were remarkably generous, though they didn't know how to spell whiskey. In Ireland, we call a bottle-opener a church door, rather than a church key - it's the same shape as those tall pointy church doors. My sole Scottish joke, sourced from a diplomat, who told it with a naughty twinkle. A Glasgow woman want to know what a Highlander has under his kilt, so she asks can she take a look. He lifts up the kilt and she looks at it and exclaims, horrified, "Ohhh, it's gruesome!" He leers and lifts the kilt again and says, "Now it's gruesome more…" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Wireharp Date: 01 Apr 16 - 04:57 PM Q:What is black and tan and looks REALLY good on a highland piper? A:................a rottweiler........ |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 01 Apr 16 - 05:09 PM Someone ought to mention The Vital Spark/ Para Handy regarding Scottish humo[u]r. Duncan MacRae, Roddy McMillan, John Grieve.... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Raedwulf Date: 01 Apr 16 - 05:45 PM Ake - I've got the important bit right. I'm still working on the accent... :p And the only thing I want to make a Scot is... *ahem* ;-) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: HuwG Date: 02 Apr 16 - 12:11 AM Jock and Annie are looking in the window of a cake shop. Annie points at one piece of confectionary and says "Is that a cake or a meringue?" Jock says "Nay, you're reet lass, it's a cake." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Apr 16 - 10:52 AM nobody is getting the meringue joke, now posted more than once. Saying it out loud hardly helps... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 02 Apr 16 - 11:15 AM Mrrzy, "Tony in Sweden" was kind enough to post a message explaining "Am I Wrong" / am Ah wrang, so now at least I get it. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: JenBurdoo Date: 02 Apr 16 - 12:46 PM Not a joke precisely, but I've heard that when the officers of the 51st Highland Division captured at St. Valery wrote a dance whilst in prison, the German guards refused to send a copy of it to their families in Scotland -- they took one look at the arcane symbols and language used to mark dance steps and thought it was a secret code -- until the Scots danced it for them to prove the innocence of what they had written. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Jim Carroll Date: 02 Apr 16 - 01:39 PM A bekilted highlander at a dance asked his parner if he could take her home - she refused. He said, "You must ha'e seen the glint in ma een lassie. "Nae Jock. I saw the tilt in your kilt". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Jack Campin Date: 02 Apr 16 - 02:43 PM Look up the punchline "Well, ye ken noo." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 02 Apr 16 - 02:51 PM Sounds like the one that goes, Lord, Lord, we didna ken! And the Lord in His Infinite Maircy.... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 02 Apr 16 - 03:30 PM Would quotes from Sir David Lyndsay be apropos? (Ane Pleasant Satyre) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 02 Apr 16 - 05:01 PM None of these relate to Scottish/Highland humour, which is whimsical, droll and can be cruelly ironic......but mostly gently ironic :0) Most of what is printed above comes from the Music Hall tradition of the early twentieth century. Stereotypical nonsense. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Apr 16 - 07:22 PM I'm definitely not having that. So much of the finest entertainment we enjoy today evolved from the music hall tradition. As for jokes about kilts and tartan, well these phenomena are hardly archetypal Scottish in any case. Yes, we can try to draw a line between harmless, gentle ribbing and a more harsh, abrasive humour that puts us Into anti-Scottish attack mode. But let's not get too sensitive, eh? After all, you've parodied the Scots in one post in this thread with a caricature of what you see as their brand of spoken English. Not for the first time either. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 03 Apr 16 - 04:04 AM Are you being serious? I've lived among people who spoke "Lowland Scots" or Gaelic all my life. I wouldn't expect you to know much about Scottish humour, if you have never lived and breathed in it. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Jim Carroll Date: 03 Apr 16 - 05:56 AM "I wouldn't expect you to know much about Scottish humour," I wouldn't expect anybody to know about Scottish humour unless they'd studied it and got an overview Ho might be an expert on local humour, if you were observant and had a sense of humour - but that can vary within a few miles. Livng somewhere doesn't give you superiority of a national humour - why should it? Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Apr 16 - 06:49 AM "I wouldn't expect you to know much about Scottish humour, if you have never lived and breathed in it." Perhaps you'd care to give us a list of the qualifications we need in order to understand "Scottish humour." I've seen Billy Connolly twice and almost needed an ambulance both times due to near-death by laughing. Does that count? In other words try not to be so silly. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 03 Apr 16 - 09:40 AM I knew and conversed with Billy and Tam years before they were even famous on the folk circus.....Billy was hilarious when he went in for gentle observational comedy in the Old Scottish style, it gradually devolved into a diatribe peppered with obscenities until finally disappearing as true humour. Alternative comedy? His new career as an observer and commentator suites him well. A genuinely nice bloke, if a bit "precious" these days. Heavily influenced by the psychological expertise of Pammy. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Apr 16 - 12:50 PM Have you finished? Can I unclench my buttocks now? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 03 Apr 16 - 01:43 PM Before Robert Carlyle got fed up with Twitter, he put out a Valentine's Day Tweet a few years ago, recalling something from his childhood in the '70's "in a Glasgow stylee" and the funny thing is, you guys already have it here...and you say it's from Australia. Carlyle remembered it as: Almighty, Almighty, Almighty I wish my pyjamas were next to your nightie.... and of course it's I love you, I love you, I love you almighty, I wish my pyjamas were next to your nightie.... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 03 Apr 16 - 01:44 PM No problem Stevie boy.....just make sure you're in the bathroom, don't want a mess on the Mudcat carpets... :0) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Jim McLean Date: 03 Apr 16 - 03:56 PM Remember Scrooge was an Englishman. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 04 Apr 16 - 11:52 AM The "interval" portion of Ane Pleasant Satyre of the Thrie Estaitis has a Pardoner, a peddler of indulgences from Rome, who performs a divorce on the Soutar and his Wife. The divorce consists of a public ceremony of each kissing the other's arsehole. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 04 Apr 16 - 12:49 PM Do you think they could handle Neil Munroe, or Bud Neill, Jim? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 04 Apr 16 - 01:20 PM Isn't Neil Munro without the silent e? Tales of Para Handy |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 04 Apr 16 - 04:29 PM Highly recommended K...... contains all the nuance of the West Highland folk. Munro IMO was a hugely underrated writer, the Tales were written for the Evening Times and Munro considered them just a bit of amusement, but they encapsulated the complicated relationship between Highland and Lowland Scots, expressed with gentle ironic humour. The cartoonist Bud Neill caught the lives and language of the urban Scot of the 40's and 50's to perfection. His characters, set in the film world of that time also came to life in the Times. Lobby Dosser, Rank Bajin(villain),Rid Squerr(ghost...employed by the council to haunt the local cemetery), Ferry nuff, Adoda Glaur...I fondly remember them all. :0) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 04 Apr 16 - 04:34 PM Para Handy: I got a look at the opening minutes, not the whole thing, of a "Vital Spark" episode in which John Grieve and Paddy McMillan holler at each other about how the steam-whistle for the puffer is putting a drain on the boiler: "ane mair toot, an' Ah'm OOT." I was weeping with laughter, if that makes sense. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 04 Apr 16 - 04:59 PM Aye, there have been about four series of "The Vital Spark" (Now moored at Inverary), but none of them did justice to the book of stories...I think Roddy MacMillan was the best TV Peter Macarlane(Para Handy)......everyone had nicknames in my youth, but it was considered insulting to refer to someone by his nickname directly to his face. In the book Para Handy is always called Peter or Captain by his crew. You can read it on line, this is a small section Para Handy |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 04 Apr 16 - 05:07 PM Para Handy on "cockles" ""The best cockles in the country iss in Colonsay," said the Captain. "But the people in Colonsay iss that slow they canna catch them. I wass wance gatherin' cockles there, and the mudges were that large and bold, I had to throw stones at them." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 04 Apr 16 - 06:36 PM I have a compact disc version of the "Highland Voyage" album. I wonder what Alex Mackenzie was doing there? I see that he wrote the songs mostly, and that he plays the part of the Vital Spark's engineer, on the album. But isn't he from "The Maggie"? So we get to hear Duncan MacRae and Roddy (my bad, I said Paddy in the earlier post) MacMillan in a comic duet. Not a thing wrong there. It is said that the Para Handy show with Duncan MacRae as the Captain, the taped episodes were lost or destroyed or something; did you see those? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: akenaton Date: 04 Apr 16 - 07:04 PM Yes, the tapes were erased and reused, as film was so expensive, that happened to such a lot of good drama and comedy in the early years. I remember the series being broadcast around 1958 I think. Duncan Macrae was Para Handy, Roddy Macmillan was Dougie, John Grieve was Dan Mcphail and Alex McAvoy...Sunny Jim, as far as I can remember. In the book Peter MacFarlane was "short and stocky" so I didn't care for big Duncan in the role, he also played it very deadpan and slow, while Munro had Para Handy volatile and full of humour. Roddy MacMillan was better, to my mind. I'm off to bed, been nice talking to you. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 03 May 16 - 04:01 PM For I haue heir -- I to the tell, Ane nobill cap imperiell, Quhilk is nocht ordanit bot for doings Of Empreours, of Duiks, and Kings -- For princelie and imperiall fuillis: They sould haue luggis als lang als Muillis.... All the Princes of Almanie, Spainye, Flanders, and Italie, This present year, ar in ane flocht: Sum sall thair wages find deir bocht. The Paip, with bombard, speir, and scheild, Hes sent his armie to the feild. Sanct Peter, Sanct Paull, nor Sanct Androw Raisit never sic ane Oist, I trow. Is this fraternall charitie? Or furious folie? Quhat say ye? Thay leird nocht this at Christis Scuillis: Thairfoir, I think them verie fuillis. I think it folie, -- be God's mother! -- Ilk Christian Prince to ding doun uther. Becaus that this hat shoud belang them, Gang thou, and part it evin amang them. Lines 4554 - 4559; 4574 - 4589 Sir David Lindsay of the Mount, Alias Lyon King of Arms "Ane Pleasant Satyre of the Thrie Estaitis, in Commendatioun of Vertew and Vituperatioun of Vyce" Charteris edition(1602), reprinted by the Early English Text Society, 1896 |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 03 May 16 - 05:11 PM OOOPS, that re-print date was intended to read 1869, sorry |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: Joe_F Date: 03 May 16 - 06:25 PM When I was at St Andrews University in 1959, I received an anonymous valentine with the inscription My love is like a mutton-chop, Sometimes cold and sometimes hot. On the envelope was written Postie, postie, dinna falter -- This may take me to the altar. Alas, not even an advertisement persuaded the lady to reveal herself. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: The Sandman Date: 04 May 16 - 12:38 AM try matt mcGinn |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: MGM·Lion Date: 04 May 16 - 09:30 AM On what charge, Sean? ≈M≈ |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 04 May 16 - 05:46 PM Scottish Gaelic, from Dorothy Dunnett: "Foghnaidh salann salach air im roineagach." She does not offer a translation. Used for comic effect, although I'm not sure it's funny. from Gemini, the final book in the series House of Niccolò. First published around 1990? by Michael Joseph. Anybody care to translate ? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 05 May 16 - 01:58 PM "try Matt McGinn": you mean, Ma fither was born a Hebrew/And Ah'm a Hebrew too? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: The Sandman Date: 05 May 16 - 02:03 PM in Kircaldy in my experience they only liked jokes about death. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 05 May 16 - 02:53 PM But seriously, Gaelic students (I'm not one, I'm totally ignorant here): when I try to translate "im roineagach," the best I can come up with is: "butter covered in hair." I mean, ewwwww. What is going on? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 05 May 16 - 07:38 PM This Gaelic proverb may have been sourced, by Dorothy Dunnett, from an earlier literary source. She doesn't say, neither does the author of her concordance. So I am looking around for something earlier. And I found: Fóghnaidh salann salach air ìm ròinneagach. Sufficient is dirty salt for butter covered in hair /Dirty salt will do for hairy butter. page 186, A Collection of Gaelic Proverbs and Familiar Phrases, Based on MacIntosh's Collection edited by Alexander Nicolson Edinburgh: MacLachlan & Stewart, 1882 |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 06 May 16 - 07:49 PM Signage on one side of a large white van (photograph): PAINTER & DECORATOR INTERIOR & EXTERIOR FINISHES NEW YORK PARIS MADRID BUT MOSTLY GLASGOW AREA |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: leeneia Date: 07 May 16 - 10:54 AM Fifteen years have passed since I started this thread. The Harp Society doesn't do the Highland Games anymore. Sometimes we had a dozen people in the audience at the harp tent, but often we wound up playing only for each other. We can do that without hauling instruments across town. The announcer never told the crowd that we existed. All attention was focussed on the athletes and pipes. The pipes never stopped. Ever. At the last games, my friend and I took our instruments and played in a food tent. The people acted as if we were doing something mildly indecent - didn't even give us a glance or a smile. The only person who acknowledged us was another member of the Harp Society, who liked a piece of music so much that I gave her my copy. When word eventually came that "There won't be a harp tent anymore," it was all right by me. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: michaelr Date: 08 May 16 - 12:20 AM Fifteen years. Found any yet? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: leeneia Date: 08 May 16 - 01:41 PM Not much. But I'll tell you a joke I heard in Dingwall. A road-widening crew got to the job site one morning and discovered that overnight their shovels had been stolen. The foreman telephoned headquarters to report the theft and to ask what to do. "Don't worry, lads! Just lean on each other till we get there." ===== It got a good laugh. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought From: keberoxu Date: 08 May 16 - 03:56 PM "The King Was In His Counting House" is number four of the seven Barney Thomson murder mysteries written by Douglas Lindsay, published over the years in paperback, re-published as E-books (often with altered titles: this one was re-titled "The Resurrection of Barney Thomson"), and, in one case, adapted into a feature film and released last year. Published in 2004, "The King Was In His Counting House" -- warning, spoilers ahead -- imagines the departure of Scotland from the Commonwealth as a nefarious conspiracy manipulated from 10 Downing Street. Why would England's Prime Minister allow Scotland to set up an independent government based in Edinburgh? In order to manipulate Scotland right back into the Commonwealth, that's why, by bringing about the collapse of the Edinburgh government, and watching Scotland slink back with its collective tail between its legs. Add to this the usual Barney Thomson scenario of a serial killer on the loose, and Glaswegian barber Barney Thomson stumbling into the action and wondering which way is up. No, it's not for everybody; when it's dark, it's dark, and the satire is bloody-minded in more ways than one. And there's not much about Glasgow in this one, for which reason some Barney Thomson readers feel that something is missing. There is humor, though, to a particular taste. |
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