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Herbert the Horrible
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Subject: ADD: Herbert the Horrible ^^ From: reggie miles Date: 07 Mar 01 - 01:22 AM This is my favorite of three wonderful stories told by Patrick O'Malley. I believe they were recorded sometime in the fifties. This is one I've been reciting for years though I still haven't got the accent down. Hebert the Horrible Now in case you haven't heard of young Herbert, the fiend who was Pinwinkle's son. Let me say he's a blight and a fever, every think you don't like rolled in one. When he was born Herbert's parents, was torn between love and remorse. His Mother had wanted a daughter, his Father a dog or a Horse. Every day Herbert brought on more trouble, by the cute little things that he did. Till his folks thought that they'd given birth, to a crime wave instead of a kid. Pa would contemplate Herb with a shudder and the sight of him made Ma turn pale. Till they wondered how they could fix Herbert, without getting sent to the jail. Well old Pinwinkle read in the papers, of kidnappers lurking around. Who nipped a kid right off his doorstep and held him for two thousand pounds. Now this gave Herbert's Pa an idea, of a way Herbert's spirits to curb. "If the kidnappers did it to one boy, why couldn't they do it to Herb?" So they worked out with pencil and paper, what they'd save if their son they could loose. There'd be two shillings daily in victuals, to say nothing of trousers and shoes. So Mr. and Mrs. Pinwinkle, dropped a hint to a journalist friend. That if the kidnappers made off with Herbert, there was just nothing that they wouldn't spend. Well the hint that they dropped reached the papers and in turn reached the kidnapper's eye and as business was dull at the season, they decided to give it a try. Then Mr. and Mrs. Pinwinkle, put on Herbert's best Sunday togs and made him look clean and inviting, then carefully locked up the dogs. Then they set Herbert out on the doorstep, round about half past eight, with a ten shilling note in his pocket and a bottle of whiskey for bait. Bedtime came and still nothing happened, when a scream interrupted their prayers. Said Father, "Well there goes our Herbert. I hope he don't bleed on the stairs." For a fortnight the Pinwinkles waited, for a telephone call or a note. To say, "We're holding your Herbert for ransome, pay up or we bisect his throat." Came the end of the month and no Herbert and Mother said, "Oh deary me, Herbert must be an angel by this time. Said Pa, "Aye. Let's have some friends in for tea." Just then came a ring at the doorbell, Father hastened to answer the bell and there on the doorstep stood Herbert, with a note fastened to his lapel. He was smiling and rugged and happy. His cheeks was quite healthy and red. In one hand was an ear and in the other some hair, he had torn from a kidnapper's head. They opened the note and they read it, "Dear Sir and dear Madam", it went. "Here's your kid. We've no words that can picture, the horrible month we have spent." "He gnawed off the thumb of the captian and sewed all the men's eyelids shut. Then he carved his intitials on my hairy chest and then he rubbed salt in the cut." "We deserve to hung we admit it, for the various crimes we have did and besides we deserve to be quartered and drawn but we don't deserve Herbert your kid." "He's something a buzzard won't sniff at. He's something a dog wouldn't bite. Please accept fifty pounds. Take him back off our hands. He's yours. Heaven help you. Goodnight. Now that's story tellin'!^^
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Subject: RE: Herbert the Horrible From: GUEST,Dancing Mom Date: 07 Mar 01 - 07:59 AM I was in a children's theatre production of "Ransom of Red Chief" once, a similar story where the kidnappers paid to bring the kid back home. That was lots of fun. |
Subject: RE: Herbert the Horrible From: Troll Date: 07 Mar 01 - 08:11 AM It sounds like one of Stanley Holloway's recitations. Check out "Albert and the Lion" or "The Return of Albert" in the data base. troll |
Subject: RE: Herbert the Horrible From: GUEST,Silverghost1951 Date: 28 Jan 11 - 06:53 PM I have the 1940 book, The Lancashire Lad, with various 'Horrible Herbert' tales. They are presented as narration by Pat O'Malley of 'the famous Alec Templeton Radio program.' Illustrations are by Geo. Price. |
Subject: RE: Herbert the Horrible From: alanabit Date: 29 Jan 11 - 05:28 AM Thanks Reggie, I really enjoyed that! |
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