BS: Handy Tips

Subject: Handy Tips
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 17 May 01 - 09:59 AM

BLUES MUSICIANS! One way to start the day on an "up" note is to wake up in the afternoon, cleverly avoiding all that nasty morning stuff.
Patrish

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Kim C
Date: 17 May 01 - 10:01 AM

I'm not a blues musician and even I can second that. Unfortunately my job won't let me.

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: LR Mole
Date: 17 May 01 - 10:04 AM

But then what would you sing about?

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 17 May 01 - 10:18 AM

CONVERT BLACK LABRADOR DOGS into seals by taking them to cafes twice a week and feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.
Patrish

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 17 May 01 - 10:19 AM

Woke up this afternoon,
got them low down had no breakfast blues.
Milkman's been and had his way
with my snake-hearted cheating woman
The dog shat on my pillow
And I can't find my clothes

Kris (its a man song because only men are that lazy :) )

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: GUEST,Gitte
Date: 17 May 01 - 10:38 AM

Next time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. That'll make Tescos/Asda feel like your own living room. Gitte

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Bagpuss
Date: 17 May 01 - 10:57 AM

When thinking of handy hints, go and read the Viz "Top Tips" section. It saves you the bother of having to think up funny things for yourself!

Bagpuss

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: marty D
Date: 17 May 01 - 11:50 AM

"folksongs about average people" (to make us feel better about ourselves)

Come all ye Chickenshit sea-faring men.

My woman done left me...and I'm a feelin' pretty ambivalent. Lordy lord.

John Henry drove 14 feet, the steam drill 129.

Come gather round me people and a story I'll try not to screw up

marty

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: GUEST
Date: 17 May 01 - 04:35 PM

Give a pair of rubber gloves and a scissors as a wedding gift, labeled as "SAFE SEX and/or DISHWASHING KIT"(you make the choice!)

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: GUEST,R246 LBV
Date: 18 May 01 - 11:37 AM

I saved a fortune on a personalised number plate for my car by changing my name to R246 LBV. And then I had to hand the bloody company car back. Chiz!

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Kim C
Date: 18 May 01 - 05:18 PM

Give my heart to the junk man and give my love to Rose. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: mousethief
Date: 18 May 01 - 05:47 PM

Always wear mirrored sunglasses. When people ask why, say that you have a rare degenerative eye condition. Then you can look, gawk, or ogle at anything you want, and nobody will be the wiser.

Alex

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Tony (home) in Sweden
Date: 18 May 01 - 06:27 PM

Save Gas by pushing your car to your destination.
Invariably passers-by will think that you've broken down and help push.

Save electricity by swithching off all the lights in yor home and walk around wearing a miners hat.

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: mousethief
Date: 18 May 01 - 06:30 PM

Miners hats use electricity.

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Sorcha
Date: 18 May 01 - 06:50 PM

OH NO!! (i resisted as long as i could.....really!)
My nephew's name is Handy, and my first thought when I saw this title was that poor Handy had tipped and couldn't get up! (sorry, no cool tips from here today!)

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: gnu
Date: 18 May 01 - 06:53 PM

Yeah, but you can charge em up on the neighbour's outdoor receptacle.

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 May 01 - 09:32 PM

MT, remember not to salivate and drool.

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: gnu
Date: 18 May 01 - 09:51 PM

If you're getting a cell and have to choose between the plastic clip that slides onto your belt or the case that has a belt loop, take the belt loop. They're expensive to replace when you step on them ! Plus, it protects them from the rain, fro..ooom the raaaain (apologies to Carole King).

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: SeanM
Date: 18 May 01 - 11:37 PM

Remember, if you make errors in word processing that you can save wear and tear on your backspace key by using white out on your screen. Using this method, it is recommended to replace your monitor monthly. More, if you can't type.

M

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: lady penelope
Date: 19 May 01 - 04:35 AM

Always join an already seated party in a restaraunt, act as if you're meant to be there by saying things like "oh, Susan said it would be fine if I took her place, do you know John? " most of the time they should be too confused to ask you to leave.

"Woke up yesterday morning Woke up today as well And I wake up tomorrow morning It'll make three days in a row!"

TTFN M'lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: Handy Tips
From: Bill D
Date: 19 May 01 - 07:40 PM

BRIDES! Why take risks on your wedding day? Place four or five marshmallows under your wedding cake to help it withstand any minor earthquakes or tremors.

(mousethief..early miners hats were carbide powered I knew a guy once who had one, and who would spend 2 hours tinkering with it so he could walk around for 30 minutes showing off....