Favourite Limerick [8]

Subject: Favourite Limerick
From: Shields Folk
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 07:39 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Has anyone else a favourite limerick. My favourite is:

There was a young girl from Long Horton, Who had one big tit and one short one. To top all of that, she had a big......

...Er..Actually that wasn't a good choice but any other Favourites?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Don Firth
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 08:27 PM

(Oh, Lord! Prepare to duck. . . . )

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Justa Picker
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 08:34 PM

Type the word "Limerick" in the filter box on the main page. Set the date for 3 years. See what comes up.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: CarolC
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 08:59 PM

Type DONT POST into the filter box, too, and set for one year. There's a lot of miscelaneous stuff on those threads, but also quite a few limericks. Some are quite good.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Hagbard
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 09:18 PM

Alright....

There once was a man from Madras
Who had balls made out of fine brass
In times of bad weather
He'd rub them together
And sparks would fly out from his arse

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Blackcatter
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 01:59 AM

The one I've always loved was attributed to Winston Churchill.

He (supposedly) used to tell a story of how during the darkest times of the London Blitz the BBC decided to have a limerick competition. Thousands of limericks came in from all over the British Empire and finally the funniest one was chosen. Because of the language of the limerick the most objectionable words had to be "beeped" out - leaving only those acceptable for most listeners. It was finally read on the air:

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep,

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep,

beep beep beep beep beep,

beep beep beep beep beep,

beep beep beep beep beep f*cking c*nt.

pax yall

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: SeanM
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 02:39 AM

I've always loved a rather morbid one from the Late Edward Gorey...

There once was a prelate named Zane
Whose brain was deranged from cocaine
He lured a child
To a copse dark and wild
And beat it to death with his cane.

Err... maybe this should have gone on the "are you a Goth?" thread...

M

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Chip2447
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 02:42 AM

There once was a girl named Monica,
quite skilled at blowing harmonica,
She fell to her knees, quite willing to please. And said, Mr President, happy Hanukkah...

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: nutty
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:51 AM

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway
To her lover's dismay
She shouted "Hooray"
"I think I've discovered one more way"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dug
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:56 AM

There once was a sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates,
Till he sat on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Les from Hull
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 05:09 AM

There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks just wouldn't scan
When they said "Well the thing
Doesn't go with a swing"
He said "Well, you see, the trouble is that I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can!"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Lanfranc at the orifice
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 05:15 AM

Once Titian, while mixing rose madder
Saw his model astride a high ladder
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had her

I'll go away now!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Lyndi-loo
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 05:18 AM

There was a girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies came from God
But it wasn't the Almighty
who lifted her nightie

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:03 AM

Lyndi.." twas' Roger the Lodger the Sod"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Lyndi-loo
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:10 AM

Whoops I'm sure I typed in the last line. What happened there? Anyway, I'm sure thousands of people know that one!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Frug
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:17 AM

I've always enjoyed limericks and a couple of work colleagues and myself often play limerick games after a days work, particularly when we're on the road and having a few drinks at the end of the day. The game goes like this: one person starts and everyone in turn adds a line until the limerick is complete. The normal rules of rhyming and scanning must be adhered to. Anyone failing to contribute in appropriate way buys the next round of drinks. try it 'catters it's fun particularly if you can work in a few relevant themes from the day........It can also get very rude.

Frank

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:33 AM

Frug, Straight out of "Im sorry I havent a clue???" and from the Cleigh O'Possum is mad thread, with reference to the MannikinPis..
There was a wee belgian pisser
who was a bit of a hitter or misser
He pissed in the Grail
which does without fail
Lead to a punch in the kisser

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Frug
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 07:04 AM

There was a young girl from Madras
Who had a Magnificent ass
Not pretty and pink
As you probably think
It was grey had long ears and ate grass!

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 08:31 AM

The last time I dined with the king
He did a peculiar thing
He sat on a stool
And pulled out his tool
And said "If I play, will you sing?"

Wassail! V

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 08:39 AM

The Duchess enquired, at tea:
"Good sir, do you fart when you pee?"
I replied, with great wit:
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And considered it "one up" for me!

P.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: hesperis
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 09:08 AM

My fave is that Titian one. I like it even better than my own first limerick ever!

Both are in the DON'T POST threads.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 09:34 AM

Actually my two favourites are the Lady from Madras, and the "as many words in the last line...." one. So here is my next favourite.
There was a young girl from the Clyde
Who ate some green apples, and died
For the apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside 'er insides

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 11:21 AM

There was a young man from Dunoon
Who would always eat soup with a fork.
He said, "As I eat
neither fish, fowl nor flesh,
I would otherwise finish too quick."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Jenny the T
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 11:32 AM

How about:

I sat next to the Duchess at tea
It was just as I feared it would be
Her rumblings abdominal
Were Simply abominable
And everyone thought it was me!

JtT

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 11:47 AM

I'm still waiting for someone to top this:
A mathmetician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its' weight
Plus his pecker, times eight
Was four fifths, of five eights
Of fuck all.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: BobP
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 11:48 AM

A pitcher from baseball's dominions,

Decided to share his opinions,

He did harm to his game and mates,

But he learned quite a lesson, like Gates.

Keep it zipped or you'll soon be out millions.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Lyndi-loo
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 12:04 PM

There are catters whose names are Max Tone
Katlaughing, Catspaw and Joe Clone
If you're needing a chat
You must visit Mudcat
And know that you're never alone

*BG*

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Les from Hull
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 12:05 PM

There was a young girl from Bombay
Who, on a slow boat to China one day,
Was trapped by the tiller
By a sex-starved gorilla
And China's a bloody long way.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 12:54 PM

Lyndi, That is neat, and No Offence intended to anyone... I just was bored this afternoon ok?

While flying the Atlantic so true
Charles Lindberg knew just what to do
He had bread and some meat
And a comfortable seat
That converted to a neat Lyndi-loo

Sail Racing Pat managed a draw
Which since has stuck right in his craw
He said we'd have won it
With just one more minute
And the help of a little Catspaw

Max needs to fill up Mudcats coffers
To silence the hecklers and scoffers
With dollars and groats
and sales of old coats
and an auction of Hymns of Joe Offers

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,marshman
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 01:12 PM

There once was a man from Bel Aire, who was doing a girl on the stair. But the bannister broke, so he doubled his stroke, and polished her off in mid air.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 01:23 PM

There was a young girl from St. Paul
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
But the dress caught on fire
And burnt her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:03 PM

There was an old Man of Dundee,
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp.
When asked if it hurt,
He said,"no, not at all.
It can do it again if it likes."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: lady penelope
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:32 PM

I like the more literary sort......

From out of the crypt of St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
The Vicar said "Gracious
It's Brother Ignaceous
He's forgotten the Bishop has piles"

James Joyce.

There was ayoung lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear
And said "you can't swim here it's private"

TTFN M'Lady P.

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Trapper
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:45 PM

There was a young man from Moline
Who invented a F*cking Machine
Both concave and convex
It fit either sex
But oh, what a bugger to clean!

= Al

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,JB
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:56 PM

How do you like this one?

Tim and I to Australia went
We met three women in a tent
They were three and we were two
I bucked one
And Tim bucked two

Happy travels!

JB

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:57 PM

Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur
..Dessine in gressus
..Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 04:59 PM

Translation?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: The Walrus
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 05:57 PM

There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse lika a dalhia,
The colour was fine,
Likewise the design,
But the aroma? Now THAT was a failure.

or, for those with a mathematical bent:

A young mathematician called Klein
Thought the Mõbius strip was devine,
He said "If you glue
"the edges of two,
"You end up with a bottle like mine".

Regards

Walrus

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:12 PM

There once was a fellow called Clyde
Who fell in a cess pit and died.
Edward, his brother,
Fell into another
And now they're interred side by side.

There once was a lady called Gwynne
She was really exceptionally thin
That when she assayed
To drink orangeade
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

The cleanest ones I know. Except the one about the man of Khartoum and his sheep.

LTS

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:37 PM

O.k.. o.k.. o.k...

There was a young man from St. Maarten
Who saved all his oders from faartin
If it passed through his crack
It went straight in a sack
And mistakes were all kept in a caarton

A Jewess who lived in St. Croix
Fell in love with a handsome young goix
Her parents forbade
She should marry the lad
So instead she eloped with the boix

A flatulent actor named Barton
Had a lifestyle exceedingly spartan
Till a playwright one day
Wrote a well-recieved play
With a part in which Barton could fart in

:-)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:51 PM

oh, right! translation!

Il y avait un plombier, François,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
...Dit-elle, "Arrètez!,
...J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 07:30 PM

There was a young plumber from Leigh
who was plumbing a girl by the sea
she cried stop your plumbing
I hear some one coming
saud the plumber still plumbing, its me

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 07:33 PM

awww, Micca, I still had the German version to go...*grin*

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 07:34 PM

POST it, Please, I have lost my copy!!!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 07:36 PM

The last time I slept with the queen,
She smiled as I whispered,"Ich dien",
...Please put the light out,
...It's royalty's night out
The queen may be had, but not seen"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 07:43 PM

ohh..ok...

Es gibt ein arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schläft mit ein Mädel von Linz.
..Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummern,
..Ich höre Mann kommern."
"Jacht, jacht", sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 08:03 PM

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Once rogered three maids while confirming 'em
As they knelt seeking God
He excited his rod
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Chip2447
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 01:45 AM

There once was a man from Kent
Whose tool was so long it bent
to save himself trouble
he folded it double
and instead of coming he went

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Metchosin
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:11 AM

There was an old man from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds
From out of his ass
Came bunches of grass
And his balls were all covered with weeds

This one always had great significance to me as a child because of a Chia Pet sheep we had that only managed to produced grass in one area of its anatomy.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: pavane
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:58 AM

Many of the above were featured years ago in the 'Pan book of Limericks' as was:

A young architect took advantage
of a pretty young lady from Wantage
The county surveyor
said 'you'll have to pay her'
You've altered the line of her frontage

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Frug
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 05:02 AM

Ther was a young lady at sea.
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
Aha! said the mate
that accounts for the state
of the cook and the Captain and me.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Frug
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 05:06 AM

A young violinist in Rio,
was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
she said "no andantes"
I want this allegro con brio"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 07:54 AM

I lean towards the scientific (and love Kendall's mathematics one!):

There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who took the square root of infinity
But the number of digits
Gave him the fidgets
He dropped math and took up divinity.

There was a young fellow named Fiske
Whose fencing was exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action
The Fitzgerald contraction
Reduced his rapier to a disk.

There was a young fellow named Fred
Had a tool with a corkscrew shaped head.
He found, having hunted,
A girl corkscrew c**ted
But, alas!, with a Fred-reversed thread.

Bat Goddess

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:10 AM

a peculiarly british one, were local knowledge is needed to make sense of it, but has delighted me for years..... There was a young lady from Salisbury
whose actions were all Halisbury -Scalisbury
she travelled round Hampshire
without any Pampshire
she said it was too hot to Walisbury

the other one I have always liked, because of the alliteration is this
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda
I was lewed but my God! she was leweder
She said it was crude
to be wooed in the nude
I pursued her, subdued her and screwed her

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:18 AM

A young architect named Yorick,
On morning, while feeling euphoric,
Produced for inspection
Three kinds of erection,
Corintian, Ionic and Doric.

Regards

Walrus

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:57 AM

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Once rogered three maids while confirming 'em
As they knelt seeking God
He excited his rod
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em

But they said, as the Bishop withdrew:
"Good my lord, we're afraid this won't do;
For the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you!"

Peter.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 09:17 AM

Young Hamlet thought uncle a traitor
For having it off with his mater
To revenge Dad or not
That's the gist of the plot
And he did - nine soliloquies later.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Red Eye
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:20 AM

There was an old man from Kent.
Who couldn't afford to pay the rent.
His wife said, "Jim,
If you don't give it in,
We'll have to go and live in a tent"!!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Jenny the T
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:31 AM

A Peruvian shepherd named Bruno
Said, "screwing is one thing I do know."
"Oh, sheep are just fine,
And chickens divine,
But llamas are numero uno!"

JtT

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charlie (=}===#
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:38 AM

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this one

There was a young man named Magruder
Who wooed a lewd nude in Bermuda
The nude thought it rude
To be wooed in the nude
But Magruder was lewder and screwed 'er

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:38 AM

A horny machinist named Beale,
Had an organ as hard as blue steel,
...He got all his thrills
...From pneumatic drills,
And offset emery wheels.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: LR Mole
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:40 AM

From the late, lamented Michael O'Donoghue, the most insanely clever and offensive one I've ever seen:
A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tatooed on his belly.
By the time that a Brahmin
Got down to the "amen"
He'd blown both salvation and Kelley.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Mark Clark
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 11:05 AM

A man dining out in Nauvoo,
Discovered a mouse in his stew,
Said the waiter don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the others will want one too.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Chip2447
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 01:46 PM

There once was a possum named Cleigh,
Whose friend travelled away,
When Spaw had returned
The Possum had learned
He'd been replaced on the very same day.

On the shelf where he sat,
by a wee lad at that
The boy was a pisser
Cleigh wanted Spaw's kisser
to toot the hole where he shat

The Possum sublime,
plotted his revenge devine,
a fart in the face
far better than mace
would turn spaw into a mime

A toot up the bum,
is better for some,
than pissing
and missing,
thereby polluting the rum

JANE!!!! HOW DO I STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: alanabit
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:04 PM

There was a gay man from Rangoon
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,kimmers who lost her cookie long ago
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:18 PM

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His mouth can hold more than his belly can
He can store in his beak
Enough food for a week
I'll be darned if I know how the hell he can.

Ogden Nash, I think. And then there's one I wrote for my fellow civil war re-enactors. We have one guy in our group, a high-school kid, who portrays a rather dandified young man and hauls an amazing amount of crap to each event. Thus:

There was a young dandy named Joe
Whose pile of possessions did grow
His portable house
Lacked only a spouse
And made packing exceedingly slow.

And one more Kimmers original:

There once was a fellow named Kevin
Whose mustache did grow up to heaven
He combed it out daily
With his ukulele
Each day at a quarter to seven.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charmion
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:19 PM

From a series on Cambridge colleges:

There once was a Fellow of King's
Who cared not for girls and such things.
His height of desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bum like a jelly on springs.

My favourite clean one:

There was a young lady named Bright
Who travelled much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way
And came home the previous night.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,SharonA
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 04:22 PM

There once was a lady of Spain
Who to Lawrence Welk would complain:
"Accordions slay
My song, ev'ry day,
Again and again and again!!"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 05:56 PM

So far I haven't seen these posted:

There was a young widow named Brice,
Who kept her dead husband on ice;
She said, "T'was hard when I lost him,
I'll never defrost him;
It's rather cold comfort but nice."

There once was a poet named McNamiter,
Whose tool was of prodigious diameter;
But it wasn't the size,
Gave the gals the surprise,
T'was his rhythm – iambic pentameter.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 06:25 PM

I think I wrote these when I was a freshman in college...that's all the apology you're going to get.

A pregnant young lady named Jane
Was driven quite nearly insane
When she found that her box
Had had room for two cocks
And she didn't know which guy to blame

A musician was young Friedrich Nietzsche
But his violin sounded quite scrietzsche
His father said, "Fred,
Take up writing instead
The silence will be ginger-pietzsche!"

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 06:26 PM

ginger-pietzsche? ginger-peachy? What is that?

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:49 PM

*grin*...I remember 'ginger-peachy'....have NO idea of origin, but it just meant something like 'fine & dandy' or 'hunky-dory'

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:39 PM

There was a young lady named Alice
Who pissed in an Anglican chalice.
She said, "I do this
From desire to piss,
And not from sectarian malice.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:51 PM

ObFolk:
There once was a Scottish musician
Who preferred 69 to coition.
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"It's all part of our oral tradition."

A lady lubricious and lewd
Once stood in a queue in the nude,
And a man down in front
Hollered out, "I smell ****."
Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude!

There was once a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
But one leads to the other,
And now she's a mother.
Let that be a lesson to you!

Now everyone wants a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
But between _butch_ and _bitch_
Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between u and i!

And, obFolk once again:

There was once a young person of Tring,
Who, whenever they asked her to sing,
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell `God
Save the Weasel' from `Pop Goes the King'."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: English Jon
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:34 AM

There was a young lady of Dewsbury bollocks, Who went to the shop for some fish bollocks She went through the door shit And the shopkeeper said shit What sort of fish would you like bollocks? (Alexie Sayle)

EJ

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 01:48 PM

Surprised nobody's done this one yet.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose d*** was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear was a c*** I could f*** it!"

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: ScottyG
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 02:49 PM

I was gonna post the Nantucket one, but Alex beat me to it. Here's another...

There was a young lady from Clare Who possessed a magnificent pair Or so we all thought Till her left one got caught On a nail and began losing air.

and a clean one...

A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot,

ScottyG Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 04:16 PM

Mark, very sophisticated!

Here's another one for the nautical & knotty crowd:

There was a young lady from Bangor,
Who fell asleep while her ship lay at anchor;
She awoke with dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
"Boys, hoist up the top sheet and spanker."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 04:22 PM

Here's another one from "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" which was written a line at a time by the "panelists:"

While studying physical science,
Try using this handy appliance!
You strap it on thus,
And get on a bus,
And you'll find you have plenty of clients.

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:12 PM

Hi MT, how do you know about ISIHAC??? you are in California...

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:19 PM

Bite your tongue! I'm in Washington State!

California! Hmmmpf! I've never been so insulted in my life!

Oh, in answer to your question -- I have a friend in Cumbria who sends me CDR's.

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:23 PM

There is a new series running just now...on BBC Radio 4. Sunday 12.04 repeaated Monday 18.30 UK time...

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,guest ire
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 07:22 PM

im surprised noone has sent this one...its out years...

old mother hubert went to her cupboard to fetch her wee doggy a bone but when she bent over the doggy took over and gave her a bone of his own...

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 07:30 PM

this thread sure demonstrates the various levels of what people consider funny, cute & clever.....some of the examples here are truly brilliant, some are....ummmm...."juvenile pieces of crap" comes to mind, but I guess songs run the same gamut and we need some of all kinds to suit all the proclivities.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 08:20 PM

The bishop-elect of Hong Hong
Had a dong that was ten inches long.
He thought the spectators
Were admiring his gaiters
When he went to the gents'. He was wrong. -- W. H. Auden

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 08:38 PM

P.S. Further obFolk: Limericks are often sung with a chorus to the tune of the refrain of "Cielito Lindo":

Aye, aye, aye, aye,
In China they do it for chili,
So let's have another verse
That's worse than the other verse --
Waltz me around again, Willy.

It occurred to me some time ago that the the second line might be varied in a cycle:

In China they do it for chili ->
In Chile they do it with turkeys ->
In Turkey they do it with grease ->
In Greece they do it for china, etc.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,joe
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 08:52 PM

while we're on the subject, i've been looking for one that was composed of puns on punctuation. the last line goes, "He had too important an asterisk". ring a bell?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 09:42 PM

not a limerick, but...

Mary had a little plane,
And in it she would frisk.
But when she flew it upside down,
Her little *

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Shields Folk
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 09:47 PM

Well if we're loosing the plot:

I wish I was a caterpillar

life would be a farce

climbing up the plants and trees

and sliding on my ..

..hands and knees.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 10:04 PM

The one about Titian is definitely the best!

But here's my favorite self-penned limerick...

A Chinese bricklayer named Fong
Had a "tool" so incredibly long
A professor named Blake
Mistook it for a snake
Now it's in a glass case in Hong Kong

- LH

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Hagbard
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 11:55 PM

There was a hillbilly named Spaw Who envied his maw and his paw to join in their life he adopted his wife and became his own father in law

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 08:58 AM

There was a young girl from Westphalia, Who went to a dance as a dahlia. And the heat of the ball caused the petals to fall, And the dance, as a dance, was a failure.

There were two men from Aberystwyth Who had some cards to play whist with, When they got tired of that, they went and sat And played with the things that they pissed with.

There was a young man called Dave, Who found a dead pro' in a cave. It takes a lot of pluck to have a cold f**k But look at the money you save!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 10:30 AM

Joe F., the alternative chorus my family sings runs:

Ay, yi, yi, yi,
In Chili they do it for China;
Let's have another verse
That's worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around again, Dinnah.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 10:50 AM

There was an old miser named Clarence,
Who Simonized both of his parents.
..."The initial expense",
...he remarked, "Is Immense". "But I'll save it on wearance and tearance"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 05:05 PM

A young couple from Aberystwyth
United the organs they kissed with,
By turns and degrees,
On their hands and their knees
They came to the organs they pissed with

There was a young fellow called Simpson
He was a whore's and a pimp's son
When he went to bed
With his mother, she said,
"It's no f***ing use if its limp, son"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: pavane
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 05:41 PM

Another version
There was a young couple from Aberystwyth
Bought a packet of cards to play Whist with
But they found it a bore
So they layed on the floor
and they played with the things that they pissed with

Funnier for the rhymes with the place name than the action!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Deckman
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 06:09 PM

One "TELLING" statement about this thread is the number of catters who do NOT contribute ... besides, all my favorites have already been posted ... (grin and giggles) Bob(deckman)Nelson

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: TonyK
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 11:21 PM

There once was a lady from zizes
Who had breasts that were two different sizes
One was quite small and was not much at all
But the other was large and won prizes

Aye yi yi yi
In Sicily the syphilis is seasonal
Sing us a verse that is worse than the first
And waltz me around by my Willy

TonyK

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 11:39 PM

I take that as a challenge, Deckman. I don't have any new ones right now, but here's one of my own that I've recycled from the 'Limericks, anyone?' thread. Most of that thread was about the dimensions of Spaw's (*ahem*) ...little friend.
A man with a six foot long johnson
Who wanted to go to Wisconsin
Created a fuss
When he boarded the bus
Cause they couldn't fit all of his schlong in

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 11:53 PM

Oops!

should go like this...

A man with a six foot long johnson
Who wanted to go to Wisconsin
Created a fuss
When he boarded the bus
Cause they couldn't fit all of his schlong in.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 07:50 AM

This "waltz me around" type chorus must be American - in Britain we always sing

That was a horrible song
Sing us another one
Just like the other one
Sing us another one, do.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: lady penelope
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 09:24 AM

Or.... Same song, drifferent verse, a little bit louder, a little bit worse.

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 11:26 AM

Penny, isnt that the bridge from the INFAMOUS "Blue bells are blue" song????

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 11:43 AM

Haven't seen this one recently, which may have some appeal to animal lovers:

There was a young man from Dundee
Who buggered an ape in a tree;
There result was most horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Blue balls and a purple goatee.

This exercise is really more fun to sing in a stairwell at 3 in the morning, but you all know that.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 05:32 PM

I friend challenged me to find a rhyme for anchovies so here goes..
Young Annie who liked to eat Hovis
and crisp fried bacon and stovies
was left a bit flat
when told that her twat
was beginning to taste of anchovies

(for the trans-ponders, Hovis is a kind of bread in the UK and stovies are a fried potato dish)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dug
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 06:34 PM

There was a young girl from Azores
Whose cunt was all covered in sores.
All the dogs in the street
Used to lick the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 01:49 AM

There was an old lady from Wooster
Who dreamed a young man had seduced her
But when she awoke
It was only a joke
A bump in the mattress had goosed her

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Wolfgang
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 06:14 AM

The last one from Bev and Jerry reminds me that I like them spelled this way:

There was an old lady from Worcester
Who dreamed a young man had sedorcester
But when she awoke
It was only a joke
A bump in the mattress had gorcester.

It works particularly nice with the Irish spellings of town names in Ireland.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:38 AM

one of my favorite NON-xxx limericks:

A careless an old gasman named Peter,
With a match poked around a gas heater.
...Touched a leak with his light,
...And rose out of sight.
And, as anyone who knows anything about the fine art of elegant poetry and the laws of physics can tell you,...he also ruined the meter.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dug
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:38 AM

An urgent young man of the cloth

Who at preaching was realllly no sloth

taught masturbation

to the whole congregation

and was washed down the aisle on the froth

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Lyndi-loo
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:41 AM

A bestial young curate called Rust
For animals had insatiable lust
With maniacal howls
he deflowered young owls
and a little green lizard that bust

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Pseudolus
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 03:59 PM

I once read this in an old joke thread....it's worth repeating.......I believe it was Gary T....

There once was a poet named Night
whose limericks were never quite right
They would all go just fine
Til the very last line
Then he always managed to mess them up somehow...

Frank

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 05:32 PM

There was a young girl from Cajon
Who went to the dentist alone
In his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
But, my, how his practice has grown

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 06:04 PM

In the interest of provoking something better:

There was an old lech from Belgrave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave;
He said, "I admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 06:34 PM

You can smoke a symbolic cigar,
You can ride in a long, sexy car,
But a phallic church steeple,
To sensible people,
Is stretching the thing rather far.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Ophelia
Date: 19 Jun 01 - 06:39 PM

Okay, you have to say this one out loud - it is not rude but it works better that way...

There once was a young man named Wyatt, Whose voice was incredibly quiet, And then one day, It just faded away...

(took me a while to get it when my dad told me when I was little)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Michael in Swansea on my colleague's 'puter
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 08:48 AM

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it too.

The gay young Duke of Buckingham
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham
Watching the stunts
Of the c****s in the punts
And the tricks of the p****s that were f****** 'em

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: PatJoe
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 03:56 PM

Here is a link to some unusual Physics Limericks

Such as:

A theorist evaluating a weight, Neglected what he should calculate. He said: what the hell, I do quite well, When two is much larger than eight!

Cheers Pat

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Les
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 11:39 PM

I wrote this one some years back:

There was Martha from old Cincinatti Whose cellulite tissues were fatty Those who gave her a whirl Called her hamburger girl She was mostly two buns and a patty

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Playtime
Date: 23 Jun 01 - 10:26 PM

Here are two, in the same vein:

There once was a young lad from Wipers (Ypres) Who was shot up the arse by some snipers; When he vented his air Through the holes that were there, He astounded the Cameron pipers!

There once was a lad from Roedean Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen" When he hit the sporano Out shot the guano, And his britches weren't fit to be seen!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Jun 01 - 11:02 AM

Said Einstein, "I have an equation,
Which some may think quite Rabelaisian.
Let V be virginity,
Approaching infinity,
And P be a constant persuasion.

Let P over V be inverted;
Let P into V be inserted.
It seems clear to me
That the outcome will be
A _relative_," Einstein asserted.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Steve O
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 04:47 AM

Thanks to John Valby on this one:

There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big aligator.
Now nobody knew
The result of that screw
'Cause after he laid her he ate her.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Steve O
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 04:50 AM

And one that's not x-rated

A tutor who tooted his flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Steve O
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 04:59 AM

Sorry, I've just realized the "tooter" limerick I posted was already submitted earlier in the thread.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Rowan
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 12:59 AM

You want clean?

A flea and a fly in a flue
were caught; didn't know what to do.
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
"Let us flee!" said the fly.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

or

There once was a lady, Simone de Beauvoir,
who committed a dreadful faux pas;
she loosened a stay
of her decollete
and exposed her je ne sais quois.

But I prefer

A pretty young lady from Exeter
had the young men all craning their necks at her
and some were so brave
as to take out and wave
the distinguishing marks of their sex at her.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Schantieman
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 07:48 AM

There once was a man from Darjeeling
Who travelled by bus to South Ealing
It said on the door,
"Please don't spit on the floor."
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling.

There once was a man from Dundee
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked "Does it hurt?"
He replied "Not, it doesn't
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."

A lady who lived on the Humber
Had a wondrous collection of lumber:
Old boots and tin whistles
A brush without bristles,
Three harps and a fossilised plumber

There was a young fellow from Harrow
Whoi went round the world in a barrow
In crossing Ben Nevis
He fell down a crevice
For the path was exceedingly narrow.

Steve

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 08:05 AM

I have recently been re-reading Mike Harding's 'Rambling On', which has the opening lines of

There was a young lady called Annie
Who plaited the hairs on her fanny

I E-Mailed him at 'Folk on Two' (or whatever it's called - that poxy radio programme on a Wednesday night and if it isn't Kate Rusby it's Christy Moore) asking for the rest of the words, but I just got an acknowledgement.

Does ANY 'Catter know the rest of the words, 'cos it's driving me daft (dafter).

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Neil
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:54 AM

Here are two of my Dad's favorites:

There once was a lady from Wheeling
Who had a funny feeling
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And peed all over the ceiling

There was a man from Boston
Who bought himself an Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em

   An Austin was a very small automobile and if you already knew that
you're probably as old as that rhyme.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dave Hunt
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:57 AM

A habit obscene and unsavoury
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery
With maniac howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary

BUT....

The Bishop of Dunstan St.Just
Was consumed by a similar lust
So he raped all those owls
Those elegant fowls
And a little green lizard- what bust!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: treewind
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 10:25 AM

There was a young man from Nepal
Who went to a fancy dress ball
He thought he would risk it
Dressed up as a biscuit
But the dog ate him up in the hall.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:12 PM

there was a young lady from Dorset
who wore an inpenetrable corset
til a chap from Caerphilly
with a very willy
Found an aperture through which to force it

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:15 PM

With a very WHAT willy...?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:33 PM

small

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 08:48 PM

Ah.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:24 PM

There once was a girl named Bathsheba
Who made love with a German amoeba
It would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur, "ich liebe!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Nick
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 05:33 AM

der der-der der der-der der der
der der-der der der-der der der
der der-der der dee
der der-der der dee
der der-der der der-der der der

It's an instrumental

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 08:54 AM

As Titian was mixing Rose-madder
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition.
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

There was a young lady named Arden
Who blew her boy friend in the garden.
He asked, his voice gruff:
"Do you swallow that stuff?"
And she replied, "(gulp) Beg your pardon?"

There was a young fellow named Durkin
Addicted to jerkin' his gherkin.
His wife told him, "Durkin,
By jerkin' your gherkin,
You're shirkin' your firkin, you bastard!"

P.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 09:24 AM

There was a young lady from Surrey
Who needed to piss in a hurry.
She lay on her back
And opened her cxrack
And Fred backed in in his lorry.

('lorry' here requires pronunciation in the Queen's Manchester accent.)

There was a young man from the Cape
Who was buggered by a bloody big ape.
He screamed 'Get off, you foll -
You've got a square tool
Which is knocking my arse out of shape.

Our local cinematorium
Is not just a visual sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 01:12 AM

Another non-X-rated ~~ made up at the appropriate historical moment by a very brilliant pupil, David Williams of Acrefield Drive, Cambridge, in my long-since teaching days, for the Chesterton School Astronomical Society's newsletter ~ which, needless to say, he edited:

Apollo to Mission Control
We are almost in reach of our goal
But this reading of 'G'
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST
Date: 06 May 15 - 05:55 AM

Can't let this thread die a death - I have forgotten more of these than I remember

There was a young woman from Louth
Who returned from a trip to the South
Her mother said "Nelly,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in by your mouth"

There was an old woman called Randal,
Whose behaviour caused quite a scandal,
She reared her proud rump
At the old village pump
And made improper use of the handle

There was an old vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were somewhat unstable
At every full moon
She'd pull out a spoon
And drink herself under the table

There was a young woman called Starkey
Who had an affair with a
The result of her sins
Was triplets, not twins,
One black, one white and one khaki

There was an old whore of the Ruhr
Who poxed everything that went through her
The smell of her tw@t
Killed a twenty foot rat
That had lived all its life in a sewer

There was a young woman called Cager
Who as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's quintet in F Major

There was a young lady from Chichester
Who used to make saints in their niches stir
One morning at matins
While dressed in white satin
She made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir

I'll get my coat

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 06 May 15 - 11:15 AM

There once was harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:01 PM

There once was a lady from Fife,
Whose man was the bane of her life,
    For he had an aversion
    To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.

Well, one day the poor lady struck,
And she wept, and she cursed her hard luck,
    Saying, "Where have you gotten us
    With your monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?

I once knew a harlot named Sue,
And a versatile girl she was, too.
    After ten years of whoredom,
    She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:55 PM

There was a young lad who gingerly
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
As he ripped off her vest,
He thought "Might be best,
To add incest to insult to injury!"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 May 15 - 01:05 PM

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3sqr4)/7 +5*11 = 81 + 0

Otherwise read as:

A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is eighty-one, not a bit more.

(or, are 81 not a bit more).

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 May 15 - 01:27 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: BobL
Date: 07 May 15 - 02:41 AM

There was a young lady from Leicester,
Who said to the man that undreicester,
"You'd best have your whack
Through the hole at the back,
The front one's beginning to feicester."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 May 15 - 04:45 AM

There was a young wife from Antigua
Who said "Oh my dear, What a pigua."
He said "Oh my queen
Is it manners you mean
Or do you refer to my figua?"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 May 15 - 04:57 AM

There was a faith healer of Deal,
Who said, "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:15 AM

From 'The Listing Attic' - Limericks by Edward Gorey (1954)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:32 AM

Synchronicity:

F&SF Magazine have just published the results of a Limerick Competition
For those who read SF/Fantasy

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:37 AM

Little Zooks : A Limerick by Edward Gorey

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:41 AM

Oops. Here's the whole thing on YouTube:

Little Zooks

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:44 PM

There was once a young lady of Tottenham,
Whose manners -- good Lord! she'd forgotten 'em.
    Taking tea at the vicar's,
    She took off her knickers,
Because (she explained) she felt hot in 'em.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 May 15 - 08:08 PM

There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is a story concerning 'em.
    They lifted the frock
    And tickled the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em.

Now, that bishop was nobody's fool.
He'd been to divinity school.
    So he hauled down his breeches
    And screwed those two witches
With his holy episcopal tool.

Now, one of those girls was named Sue,
And Sue said, when the bishop was through,
    "The vicar was quicker
    And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 May 15 - 05:16 AM

There was a young plumber from Lee,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea,
Said the girl stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming,
Said the plumber still plumbing. yes me.

The was a young man from Buckingham,
Who stood on the bridge at Uppingham,
Watching the stunts,
Of the cunts in the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks who were fucking 'em

amen, Dave H

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Tradsinger
Date: 09 May 15 - 01:49 PM

There was a young fellow called Painter
Whose voice grew fainter and fainter
Then one day it just faded away.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Tradsinger
Date: 09 May 15 - 01:57 PM

I have some unfinished ones

There was a young man from Nantucket...

A chap from the National Front ....

Any volunteers to finish them off?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: The Barden of England
Date: 09 May 15 - 02:22 PM

There was a young man from Swoboda,
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her,
So with great savoir faire,
She stood on a chair
And pissed in his Whisky &Soda.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 May 15 - 02:51 PM

There was a young man of Milan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told it was so
He replied "Yes, I know;
But I always like to try to cram as many words into the last line as ever I possibly can!"

There was a young woman called Jane
Who always threw up on the train:
Not once but again
And again and again
And again and again and again.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 May 15 - 06:25 PM

There has already been a Nantucket one (see Mousethief). However, there is also

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who went down to hell in a bucket.
    When asked to come out,
    He would sit there and shout
"Up your arseholes, ye buggers! and suck it!"

I also vaguely recall one with no taboo words, ending with the line

And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: LadyJean
Date: 09 May 15 - 08:28 PM

When e'er Lady Lowbodice swoons
Her boobies pop out like balloons.
But the butler stands by with hauteur in his eye
And lifts them back in with warm spoons.

The lecherous old bey of Algiers
Once said to his harem, my dears,
Though you may think it odd o' me,
I'm tired of sodomy.
Tonight there'll be f__cking.
Loud cheers.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 10 May 15 - 10:12 AM

An inquisitive maiden named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
THey found her vagina
in North Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 15 - 10:48 AM

There was a young fellow named Carter,
He was a magnificent farter
He could fart anything from God save the King
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonater
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 May 15 - 08:20 PM

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros.
    Said she, with a shriek,
    "His horn is unique
And leaves mere men looking preposterous."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Frank B
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 07:13 AM

A randy young cleric from Leicester
Seduced Mrs Brown just to teicester
He kissed and carreicester her
Seized and posseicester her
And then, as an afterthought, bleicester

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 08:59 AM

There was a young man from Hunt's,
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts of the c---s in the punts,
And the tricks of the p-----s that were f-------'em

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Jon Bartlett
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 02:44 PM

The modern cinematagraphorium
Is more than a supersensorium
It's a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masterbatorium.

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

And my absolute favourite:

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who had a small organ of sex.
When arraigned for exposure
He said with composure
"De minimus non curat lex"

("the law does not concern itself with small things")

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 05:48 PM

"Minimus" should be "minimis".

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 11:19 PM

.... can't .... resist ....

An architect student from Warwick,
When feeling the least bit euphoric,
       Would display for selection
       Three types of erection:
Ionian, Corinthian, and Doric.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 09:47 AM

A man from the sticks
Would always get limericks
Confused with haiku.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 10:10 AM

... deciding whether to post the entire "Farter from Sparta"
Or, you can look it up..

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 10:54 AM

Here's an oldie that may have already appeared here-

There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie –
‘Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Mar 24 - 06:42 AM

There was a young lady from Aberystwith,
Who invited a man to play whist with.
They got fed up with that,
So they lay on the mat,
And played with the things that you piss with.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Mar 24 - 09:06 AM

I had to do it: Gleaned from several sources and edited for good scanning..

The Farter from Sparta

There once was a young man from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He’d fart “God Save the Queen,”
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This very fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan’s Mikado.


He’d fart a gavotte for a starter,
Then fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He’d boom from his ass
Bach’s B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He’d proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

A range from classics to jazz,
New effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso with timbre so rare
He rendered with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
Tho it did not dismay him one bit,
But with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed…
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Ray
Date: 15 Mar 24 - 10:00 AM

In a 20 odd year old thread, I’m not sure if this has been mentioned, but the late Tony Capstick was fond of -

There was an old woman from Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in her ear
And said, “You can’t swim here, it’s private”.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Jon Bartlett
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 11:41 PM

Two more:

I have trouble with rhythm and rhyme
It's the same fucking thing every time
It is never a chore
Finding lines one thru four
But it's that last line that always buggers things up

A stranded explorer named Lou
Wired home for two punts, one canoe
The reply came "OK.
Two girls on the way
But what in the hell's a panoe?"

Jon Bartlett

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: The Doctor
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 07:59 AM

I don't believe this one has appeared before:

There was a young curate from Kew
Who kept a large cat in his pew.
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek,
But it never got further than µ

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 11:18 AM

Right then, here's one composed one line at a time on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Humph apologised for the scansion failure of the seed line, and the second line is as spoken by Tim Brooke-Taylor ....

The artist formerly known as Prince
On the stage he did pothture and minthe
       Then just for a giggle
       Changed his name to a squiggle
And nobody's heard of him since.