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BS: Humor Us
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Subject: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 22 Aug 01 - 10:48 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer??? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 22 Aug 01 - 11:30 AM At Notre Dame, Quasimodo the Hunchback was ready to retire from bell-ringing. Looking for a replacement, he posted a "Help Wanted – Bell-ringer" notice on the cathedral door. The next day, a young man came to the cathedral to apply for the job. Strangely, though, the guy had no arms. Quasimodo interviewed him and asked, "How do you expect to ring the bell with no arms?" The man replied, "Well, I can run up to the bell and hit it wih the front of my head." Skeptical, Quasimodo decided to try him out: "It's almost noon," he said, "so if you can ring the bell with the front of your head all 12 times to chime the hour, the job is yours." Noon came, and the guy began running up to the bell and hitting it with his head repeatedly, growing bloodier, more bruised and more dizzy with each ring. Still he staggered on, ringing ten times, eleven times... Finally, on his twelfth try, fighting multiple concussions, he ran up to the bell... and missed. He ran right out of the bell tower and flew through the air, down to the street below, killing himself. Quasimodo rushed down to the street where a crowd had gathered. They asked him, "Quasimodo! Who is this man who ran out of the bell tower to his death?" Quasimodo answered, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell." Well, Quasimodo still needed a replacement bell-ringer, so he hung another "Help Wanted – Bell-ringer" notice on the cathedral door. The next day, another young man came to the cathedral to apply for the job. Oddly enough, this guy didn't have any arms either. Quasimodo interviewed him and asked, "Didn't you hear about the other guy with no arms who applied for this job, and died yesterday?" The man replied, "Yes, he was my brother. I would like to honor his memory by becoming the next bell-ringer for Notre Dame in his place." Deeply moved, Quasimodo decided to try him out: "It's almost noon again," he said, "so if you can ring the bell with the front of your head all 12 times to chime the hour, the job is yours." Noon came, and the guy began running up to the bell and hitting it with his head repeatedly, as his brother had done, growing bloodier, more bruised and more dizzy with each ring. Still he staggered on, ringing ten times, eleven times... Finally, on his twelfth try, swaying on his feet and fighting to stay conscious, he ran up to the bell... and missed. He ran right out of the bell tower and flew through the air, down to the street below, killing himself. Quasimodo again rushed down to the street where a crowd had gathered. They asked him, "Quasimodo! Who is THIS man who ran out of the bell tower to his death?" Quasimodo answered, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:03 PM Sharon.... If this were the real world you would deserve to be hunted down and spanked!!! Groaaaan!! A
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Hollowfox Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:05 PM You've got a lot of room to talk, Amos. *g* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: wysiwyg Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:22 PM Oy kids, be sure you take turns now so we can keep track of the score! ~Appreciative Reader |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:32 PM A lawyer and a pope show up at the pearly gates at the same time. St Peter says "Follow me and I will take you to your accomodations. They get in an elevator and descend many floors, walk down a narrow hallway and St Peter opens the door to a tiny room with a cot, a sink with only a cold water spigot and a small widow that looked out on a brick wall. St Peter says to the Pope "This is where you will be staying." "Thank you St Peter, I had alway imagined heaven to be just like this." "Now if you will follow me" St Peter says to the Lawyer, and they get back in the elevator and ascend hundreds of floors, the doors open and reveal a marble and glass penthouse with sweeping views of the fields of heaven. "This is where you will stay my son." The lawer is dumfounded and stammers. " I dont get it, you just put the Pope, the hoiest man of my generation in what amounts to a closet, and yet you put me here! What have I done to deserve this? St. Peter laughs " Son we have four hundred some odd Popes up here. You are the first Lawer." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Hollowfox Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:50 PM A devout priest and a taxi driver both arrived at the gates of Heaven at the same time. The taxi driver was given special treatment, admitted first, etc. The priest was devout, but he was human, and asked why the taxi driver got fussed over. An angel replied, "When you gave your sermon every week, everyone fell asleep and no one thought of Heaven. But every time he drove, the passenger thought of nothing else!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: ScottyG Date: 22 Aug 01 - 01:49 PM This one is meant strictly in jest, mind you. Paddy and Sean are laboring at a building site just across the street from a house of ill repute. Paddy looks up to see the local Presbyterian pastor skulk up to the door of the whore house, glance around nervously, and sneak inside. Paddy says, "Would ya look at that, Sean? 'Tis Reverend O'Connel. Imagine a man o' the cloth patronizin' such a place! Is there nothin' sacred these days?" The next day, they're working away at the same location, and Paddy looks up and sees the local Rabbi hurrying into the brothel, obviously trying not to be noticed. Paddy says, "Did ya see that, Sean? Rabbi Goldberg, 'twas. Another man who's supposed to be pious, and he's goin' into a place like that! What's this world comin' to?" Next day, same place, Paddy happens to glance up to see the local parrish Priest just as he's disappering inside the den of iniquity. Paddy stands up straight, crosses himself, removes his cap and places it over his heart, and says, "Oh dear, Sean, there went Father Flanagan. One o' those poor girls musta' died."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Troll Date: 22 Aug 01 - 01:55 PM Three men show up at the Gate and request admission. Sez St. Peter to the first," Who are and what did you do to benefit mankind?" The man answered, " my name is George. I was a stockbroker and every year I gave One Million dollars to cancer research. "Pass within." sez St. Peter."Next!" I'm Frank and I was an oil man in Texas and I gave Two Million every year to help feed starving children." "Pass within."sez St.Peter."And you?" The third guy mumbles, "My names Joe but I guess I won't be coming in. I only made about $35,000 my whole life." Really? sez St. Pete. "What instrument do you play?" troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 22 Aug 01 - 01:59 PM A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "You again?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: kendall Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:03 PM I'm still laughing at Seamus Kennedy's line, A skeleton walked into a bar, and ordered a beer and a mop. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:34 PM Uh, OK, Kendall. Here's another one. Quasimodo was on his way out to work and his wife says, "Oh Quasi, dear!" He stops and says, "Wha?" She says, "What would you like for dinner this evening?" Quasimodo replies, "Anything but Chinese food. I'm sick of it." That evening, he walks in the front door, and sees his wife with a wok out on the table. He screams, "No! I said I didn't want Chinese food! I told you I was sick of it!" "Oh, be quiet, silly!" she says, "I'm just ironing your shirt!" Seamus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:44 PM Then there's the story of the man and wife who owned the Chinese restaurant. One night they're in bed together and things are gettin' hot 'n heavy, and the man says, "Hey, honey, ya wanna 69?" And she says, "NOW? You want Moo Shoo Pork NOW??" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: JohnInKansas Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:02 PM An engineer died and appeared at the gates. Well St Peter was off on an errand, and the angel filling in wasn't too bright, and he couldn't find the poor guys name in the big book, so he told him "You must be destined for Hell." Well the engineer was kinda surprised, but he figured after all it can't be much worse than working for Boeing like he'd done all his life. Reluctantly, he follows directions to go to hell. When St. Peter gets back, the stand in (he was only a temp) forgets to mention what had happened, so St. Peter doesn't find out about it for quite a while. After he looks things up in the book, he finds that a terrible mistake has been made. So he gets his visa and packs up and goes down to hell to see if he can get things fixed up. When he gets to hell, it's really amazing. Right at the entrance, theres this big ice cream machine. When he walks in, everything is all air conditioned. There's a musak machine playing lovely tunes (heavy on the Irish, perhaps). A nearby brimstone pit is powering a popcorn machine. There's a nice smooth escalator to take him down to the bottom of the pit where satan is waiting for him (he called ahead). When he tells satan about the mistake (of course he blames it on his "secretary" - didn't wann admit he was using temps) satan says "No, I'm not gonna let you have that guy. He's got everything working here, and things are just a whole lot nicer having him around to keep things that way. I'm gonna keep him." Well St Peter argues and argues, but he's getting nowhere, so he finally says "If that guy isn't back up in Heaven in twenty minutes I'm gonna sue you!" To which satan says - "HA! Where you gonna get a lawyer?" BA-DUM John |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Troll Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:25 PM A priest, a rabbi, A buddhist monk, and a llama walk into a bar. Guy at the bar gets up and sez,"S**t, I'm in the wrong joke!" troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Justa Picker Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:49 PM Two rednecks were out hunting in the woods. After a while, one of them realized nature was calling quick and hard, but he was concerned about the fact that they had no access to toilet paper, or reasonable facsimile. His friend made several suggestions including leaves and other natural, organic materials. None of this appealed to his friend, who was increasingly squirming as time dragged on. Finally his friend said "Jesus Christ man! Just use a dollar!! His friend disappears into the woods, and 10 minutes later emerges, covered in shit from head to toe. Upon seeing this spectacle his friend exclaimed "Fer chrisakes man, what the f--k happened to you???" His friendly meekly replied: "Have you ever tried wiping your ass with 3 quarters, two dimes and nickel?!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Lin in Kansas Date: 22 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM Why don't blind persons skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the rip cord? The leash goes slack.
Lin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Marymac90 Date: 22 Aug 01 - 05:04 PM SharonA, I didn't know ya had it in yuh! Marymac |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 22 Aug 01 - 06:32 PM Had what in me? Where? Ew, get it outta me!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: wysiwyg Date: 22 Aug 01 - 06:38 PM LOL! Hardi will love these, every one of them, too. ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 22 Aug 01 - 06:53 PM George W died - and went to hell. The devil came to meet him " George", he said, "Your early, We just ain't got room for you. Tell y'll what I'll do - we'll release some poor sinner, now follow me." Off they went - the first cavern they came to, there was Tricky Dicky up to his neck in boiling oil. "Well George, shall we release Richard M ?". "No ", said George W. The next cavern contained Ronald Regan, up to his neck in ice. "No ", said George W. The third cavern contained Bill Clinton - spreadeagled on a rock with Monica Lewinski bending over him, doing what ever Monica L does to Presidents. "Well ??" says the Devil. "Hmm ", thought George W. "It Could be worse !". "Yes !!", says George W. "This will suit me". "O.K.", says the Devil, "Monica you may go now". Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Aug 01 - 05:12 AM I remember the first 'smutty' joke my Dad ever told me. Guy dies and is shown Heaven and Hell. Heaven - all harps, clowds and heavenly singing. Hell - smoky bars, tankards of ale, loose women... "I think I'll choose Hell" he says, but his guide tuts and shakes his head. Pulling him to one side the guy asks "What's wrong with Hell then? Looks a site more fun than Heaven." The guide replies "Well, for a start the tankards all have holes in. And don't even ask about the women..." ;-) Cheers DtG |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,Steve Date: 23 Aug 01 - 05:24 AM Back in the '70s, when I still smoked, I was walking back home one night and found I'd run out of ciggies. All the pubs had just shut, andf the nearest machine was right over the other side of town. Then I remembered the Chinese takeaway in Lower Rushall Street (you know? used to be next to The Cats). I wentr in and asked for twenty "No. 6". I came out with 10 lbs of egg fried rice. Steve OK, I know it;s an old joke, but this was 30 years ago! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Troll Date: 23 Aug 01 - 07:34 AM A man in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something." The taxi driver says, "Not your fault, sir. It's my first day as a cabdriver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years." troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,Dagenham DOC Date: 23 Aug 01 - 10:09 AM a guy goes to get a face lift job.He comes out of the building and he's so pleased .. he can't wait to get some feed-back.He goes up to the newspaperman and says "How old do you think I am ?" the man says " about 29" ........" As it happens I'm 47" and he strides off well pleased.He pops into McDonalds and when he gets to the front of the queue he says to the young man behind the counter "How old do you think I am?" and the young man says" About 31" ......... "As it happens I'm 47" and off he goes. He goes up to the bus stop and there he finds a little old lady..He says "How old do you think I am?" and she says " In the old days there was always one way of guessing a mans' age and that was to feel his penis" The guy was a bit taken back at first ...then he looks down at the little old lady ..and he looks around the street and there's nobody there.. and he says " Alright then, I'll go along with you!!" She down there for about ten minutes.. and evenually says " You're 47" He says "That's amazing.. how do you know that ??" She says "I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds!!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: ScottyG Date: 23 Aug 01 - 12:26 PM A Fable You Haven't Heard Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds were the hardest substance in the world and could not possibly melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pants pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: kendall Date: 23 Aug 01 - 12:41 PM A mean Lion with a hangover was walking through his kingdom. He met a monkey and said "Who is the King of the jungle"? monkey says "You are." "Damn right, and dont you forget it." Next he met a gazelle, "Who is the King around here"? Gazelle says "You are, no question about it." Next he met an elephant, and said "Hey you, who is the king of the beasts"? the elephant grabs him with his trunk, slams him to the ground slaps him up against a tree, then pisses on him and walks away. Lion says "Just because you dont know the F.....g answer dont mean you gotta get all pissed off"! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,Nick Date: 23 Aug 01 - 01:39 PM How come ( dumb ethinic group of choice ) are never any good at duck hunting? They can't throw the dog high enough. Did you here about what the ( dumb ethinic group of choice )javalin team did at the last track meet? Elected to receive. Did you here about what the ( dumb ethinic group of choice )hockey team did at spring training? Drowned. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Blackcatter Date: 24 Aug 01 - 01:10 AM Greetings all A Catholic, Buddhist, Daoist, Methodist, Lutheran, and Athiest die about the same time and find themselves at the Pearly Gates talking to St. Peter. He welcomes them to Heaven and lets them know that while the Christians got it right about the concept of Heaven, just about everyone is let in at the end of life because it's silly to be so picky. The newcomers begin taking the tour with Pete and eventually meet up with loved ones, but the Daoist notices a large wall in the distance that seems to go on for miles. He asks Pete what that is and Pete says: "Oh, that's were we put Southern Baptists - For some reason they STILL like to believe they're the only ones up here." Pax yall |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: BlueJay Date: 24 Aug 01 - 03:50 AM Three Nurses await entrance to heaven. Saint Peter asks the first, "What did you do"? She replied, "I worked in an inner city clinic, giving aid to poor adults and children without medical insurance, mostly for free". "You may come in", he said Saint Peter then asked the second nurse what she had done with her life. "I worked with a missionary group in South America, giving care to children who had never even heard of Doctors or modern health care, and tried to spread the word of God". "You may come in", he said When he asked the third nurse what she had done, she sheepishly repied, "I worked for an HMO". Saint Peter scratched his beard for a few seconds, then said, "You may come in". "Thank God"said the third nurse, "I thought you might not let me in"! "Oh, you can come in", said Saint Peter, "But you can only stay for three days". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: kendall Date: 24 Aug 01 - 07:22 AM A Baptist was standing in line to enter heaven. Up ahead he saw a prostitute, a lawyer and a drug dealer. When he got to St. Peter, he said "What is going on here? I saw a bunch of people who dont deserve to be here, and what is that gang over there pounding their heads against that wall"? St. Peter said, "Oh, those idiots? they are the ones who think we keep records up here." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Helen Date: 24 Aug 01 - 08:22 AM Okay, you've got to think in Oz-stralian to get this joke - it won't work as well if you think in Yank-lish. Three women, each with a daughter, are killed in a car crash. The first mother and daughter go up to St Peter, he looks in the book and says: "Sorry madam, but you and your daughter will have to go down to hell. All your life you only ever thought about money, and you even called your lovely daughter Penny." So the mother and daughter head off downstairs. The next mother & daughter are told they can't come in & Peter says: All you ever thought about in your life was alcohol, and you called your daughter Sherry. Down you go as well. The third mother grabs her daughter's hand, heads for the stairs and says: Come on Fanny, we're leaving! Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Wolfgang Date: 24 Aug 01 - 08:29 AM It was what I thought but just in case: Aussie slang dictionary Wolfgang |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 24 Aug 01 - 10:03 AM Then there was the guy who was half (dumb ethnic group here) and half Italian. He made himself an offer he couldn't understand!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: ScottyG Date: 24 Aug 01 - 10:45 AM John, a devoutly religious man, lived in a low-lying neighborhood. One day, the local weather service warned of imminent flooding and advised evacuation. While everybody else was headed for higher, safer ground, taking what little belongings they could carry, John remained, steadfast in his faith that God would protect him. The floods came, and the water rose. Soon, John went up on his roof to pray and await God's intervention. The water continued to rise ever higher. A rowboat was passing by John's house, and the occupants urged him to join them and get to safety. But John said, "No, I'm staying right here. I have faith that God will save me." The water level was up to the eves on John's house, and continued to rise. John continued to pray. Another boat came by, and John was urged to get on board and get to higher ground. But John said, "No, thank you. I know God will keep me safe." Still, the water rose until John was standing on the tips of his toes on the very peak of his roof, struggling to keep his head above water. Even then, he continued his prayers. This time, the pilot of a helicopter looked down and noticed John's predicament. The pilot hovered over John, and sent down a lifeline. He yelled to John to grab on and hold tight, and he would be lifted to safety. But John waved him away and said, "No, you go ahead, God will take care of me." John was swept away and drowned. When he got up to heaven, he said to God, "All my life, I've had unshakable faith in you, but you let me down, God. Why did you ignore my prayers and allow me to perish in that flood?" And God said, "Ignore your prayers, John? What do you mean I ignored your prayers? I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:14 AM ...not to mention the evacuation warning! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:21 AM I just love this one-on-one dialogue with the Almighty shtick. Human individual has a discussion with the Cosmic Source of Infinite Reality, who conveniently develops a first-person-singular for the event. It's so....realistic, ya know? A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:29 AM I have a cartoon on my refrigerator showing a man groveling before a huge dog with a robe and halo. The dog is saying, "Yeah, a lot of people are surprised to find out they had the name backward..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,PAH Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:47 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,PAH Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:59 AM Two rednecks decide to make more of their life and go back to school. They arrive the first day and the first one goes into his counselors office and the counselor says well, I think you should start off with English, History and Logic. "Logic? What in tarnation is logic?"
The counselor replies,"I'll give you an example. First, do you own a weedeater?"
Redneck says, "Sure do!".
"Well, if you have a weedeater it's logical that you have a lawn".
"Sure Do!"
"And if you have a lawn, logic tells me that you have a house."
"Wow! That's amazing!!" "And if you have a house logic says that you might be married."
"Betty Lou!!! Best little wife around!!!!! this is amazing!!!! "And finally, if you are married, logic tells me that you are heterosexual."
"Well, I certainly am!!!!" I think I'm gonna like this logic thang!!!
The redneck goes out to his friend and tells him, "I'm gonna take English, History and Logic!"
"Logic? What in tarnation is logic???"
First rednect says, "I'll show you, ok, first, do you own a weedeater?"
Second redneck replies, "Nah, not me". First redneck says, "Well, then you're queer!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: bill\sables Date: 24 Aug 01 - 12:24 PM Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, Clinton went straight to heaven and the Pope went down to hell. When St. Peter realised his mistake he phoned the devil and asked him to send the Pope up while he sent Clinton down. On the way they both met and Clinton said to the Pope "Well Hi Mr Pope I see there was some sort of mistake but I sure as hell will be glad to meet all my old friends again down in hell" The Pope answered "And I have always wanted to meet the saints and of course the Virgin Mary" "Well Mr Pope"replied Bill Clinton "You're a couple of days late for the Virgin Mary" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Lonesome EJ Date: 24 Aug 01 - 01:08 PM Manny sat in his dismal apartment, a revolver in his hand. "Oh God," he said, "I can't take it anymore. Look at this dump I'm living in! Look at these rags I'm wearing! Look at this ugly face You've cursed me with!" Slowly Manny raised the gun to his temple. Suddenly, the God appeared, standing next to the coffee table. "Manny, Manny, Manny. Don't you know you've always been special to me? Here..." and God extended a one dollar bill to Manny. "Go forth to the newsstand and buy a lottery ticket, and this very night shall ye win the jackpot. Take that money and buy a fine home, expensive clothing, and a facelift." Manny went to the newsstand, bought the ticket, and won the jackpot as it was foretold. He bought a house in the Hamptons as well as a penthouse in Manhattan. He filled his closet with expensive suits and sportsclothes. He got a facelift that made him look twenty years younger. It was while attired in one of his Bruno Magli suits and standing on 52nd Street waiting for the driver to bring his Jaguar around, that a bus jumped the curb, killing Manny instantly. He found himself in Heaven, standing before God. "God!" Manny said, "I did everything you told me. I got the new house, new clothes, the facelift! I was happy for the first time in my miserable life! Why did did you suddenly decide to cut my life short?" "Tell you the truth, Manny" said God, "I didn't recognize you." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Deda Date: 24 Aug 01 - 01:29 PM So a fellow gets to heaven and St Peter is giving him a tour of the place, showing him the eternal library of all things, the many mansions, etc. They pass a break in the clouds and up from below comes the howls of the damned, weeping and wailing. "Who are those poor folks?" he asks. "Oh," says St Peter, "Those are the Mormons who smoked cigarettes and drank coffee." The tour continues, more heavenly mansions, but sooon there's another break in the clouds and again they hear wailing and groaning and gnashing of teeth. "Who's that?" asks the newbie. "Those are the Baptists who went out dancing with folks of the opposite sex," says St. Peter. He goes on, pointing out all the wonders of heaven, but then, again, they are interrupted by the sounds of human anguish coming up from the depth. "Who are those poor folks?" asks the fellow. "Those," sighs St Peter "are the episcopalians who used their salad forks on their dessert." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 24 Aug 01 - 02:10 PM Three nuns from Bardstown (we have a lot of nuns around here) were in a car wreck, died immediately and went to heaven. St. Peter said, "Sisters, you've lived a good life and will certainly enter here, but I know you've never been with a man, so before entering heaven, just name any man in the world and you can "be with him" before you come on in. The first nun said, "Tom Cruise." So "poof," he appeared, and they went off together. The second nun (must have been from across the pond or related to Liz the Squeak) said Sean Connery. "Poof," he appeared and they went off together. The third nun said (insert my husband's name here). St. Peter laughed...then said, "OK, but why?" She replied, "All my life I've lived in Bardstown, and everybody says, Screw (insert my husband's name here)! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST Date: 24 Aug 01 - 03:51 PM The world's two laziest hillbilly rednecks were Buford and Bubba. One morning, there is an ominous knocking on the door of Bubba's shack. Bubba answers to be greeted by a large group of men with DEA in big letters across their nylon windbreakers. "We've received an anonymous tip that there are illegal drugs buried in your potato field. Please remain in your premises while we conduct a search". So, Bubba stays inside and peeps out the window. He is amazed to see the agents dig up every square foot of his potato field, looking for drugs. At the end of a very thorough search, the chief agent says, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience but we've found no drugs." and leaves. Soon after he leaves, the phone rings and it's Buford. "What were all them fellers doin' in yer garden patch?" "Lookin' fer drugs." "Did they find any?" "Naww, but they did dig up the whole place!" "Well, it worked jist like you said! Tomorrow you kin phone and tell 'em that thar's drugs hid in a log in my woodpile!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Mark Cohen Date: 24 Aug 01 - 05:07 PM So one day Jesus strolls down to the pearly gates and says to St. Peter, "Hey Pete! That job of yours doesn't look all that tough. Mind if I try?" St. Peter says, "Well, all right, if you really want to," and goes off to play golf in another joke. Pretty soon, a small, wrinkled, old man, looking about three days older than water, comes tottering up to the desk. Jesus looks down at him and says, "Can I help you, old man? You don't seem to be in the book here." "Well," says the man, "I'm looking for my son. Have you seen him?" "There are quite a few people up here," says Jesus. "Can you tell me something about him that would help me recognize him?" The man thinks a bit, and then says, "Well, he had holes in his hands and his feet." Jesus looks a bit surprised, and then says, slowly, "Tell me, old man, what did you do for a living?" "I was a carpenter." Jesus' eyes grow wide, and with a mixture of doubt and elation on his face, says...."Father?!" The man's face lights up with a beautiful smile, and, his voice shaking with emotion, replies..."Pinocchio????" All right, to even the religious score, the chief rabbi of Jerusalem dies and goes to heaven. God Himself meets him at the gate and says, "Rabbi, since you have lived such a holy and sainted life, I would like to invite you to dine with me." The rabbi is thrilled beyond words. God takes him to a small private room, and goes out, saying, "I'll be right back with the food." Through an open door, the man can see a huge banquet room with sumptuous food piled on tables, and hundreds of people enjoying a magnificent meal. God comes back carrying a tray with a jar of pickled herring, a few slices of rye bread, and two bottles of Dr. Brown's soda. He butters the bread, serves the herring, and the two eat and share deep philosophical thoughts. This same scenario is repeated night after night. Each night, the rabbi watches other people having a lavish banquet, while he and God eat herring and rye bread. Finally, he can no longer stand it. "Lord of the Universe," he says, "I am grateful for the tremendous honor you show me by dining with me, and by having these wonderful discussions. But I must ask you, why are all those people having all that sumptuous food, while we simply eat pickled herring?" God looks at the rabbi with a puzzled expression and says, "For just two...who wants to cook?" Aloha, Mark |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Lonesome EJ Date: 24 Aug 01 - 05:55 PM Which brings us to perhaps my favorite genre of jokes...the Parrot Joke Two old ladies lived at the top of a twenty story building. They lived all alone except for a parrot that they kept in the corner. Despite years of training, this parrot had only mastered one phrase....Who is it?. One day the old ladies discovered a leak under the kitchen sink. They called the plumber, who said he would be by the next afternoon. Now these ladies were both over 90, and it's understandable that by the next day they had forgotten all about both the leak and the fact that they had called a plumber at all, and they went shopping. It was an extremely hot August afternoon when the plumber pulled up in his truck and unloaded two haevy bags of tools. He let out a tremendous sigh as he checked the building directory to find that the ladies lived at the top of twenty flights of stairs, in an un-airconditioned building. It took him nearly 20 minutes to struggle up the stairs with his 75 pounds of tools. I might add that this plumber was grossly overweight, and suffered from high blood pressure. By the time he reached the old ladies' door, he was in a state of near-exhaustion. He set his tools down and knocked on the door, and the parrot said who is it? "It's the plumber, ma'am." Some few seconds passed, and the bird repeated who is it? The plumber cleared his throat and said "It's the PLUMBER." Some more time went by before the bird said who is it? "IT'S THE PLUMBER!" There was a pause, and then the bird said who is it? The man roared "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!" then gasped, gripped his chest, and fell over dead with a heart attack. Some hour later the two old ladies returned to their apartment, and were shocked to find a man's body at their door. "Who is it?" exclaimed one old lady. "IT'S THE PLUMBER!" said the parrot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 24 Aug 01 - 06:46 PM Gawd, LEJ, that is a subtle joke. I can just see you up in the hills relishing it for years..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Troll Date: 24 Aug 01 - 07:00 PM Three men, a Welshman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were walking on the beach one day when they kicked up an old lamp.A genie appeared. "I will grant each of you a wish." he said. The Welshman said,"My family have always been farmers. Make all the land in Wales fertile so that we will not have to work so hard to make a living." "Done!" said the genie. The Frenchman said, "Build a high wall all around France so that no foreign cochon may enter my beloved country." "Done" said the genie. The Englishman says, " Before I make my wish, tell me about this wall." "Well" said the genie,"It's twenty feet thick and forty feet tall and nothing can get in or out." "Fine." says the Englishman. "Fill it with water please." troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 24 Aug 01 - 07:14 PM OK - on the Welsh farmers theme There was this North Wales farmer who had hired a new farm hand. Now on the first day he decided to take the new hand on a tour of the farm, so off they walked. Evntually they came to a field, and the farmer said, " Now when ever your ploughing or mowing, leave", and he pinted to to cicle of land, not touched for years, " those two bits alone. They are very inportant to me for sentimental reasons." "Well fine," said the farm hand, "but why ?". "Oh, that bit there," pointing, "was where I first had sex". "And the other bit ?" "That was where her mother stood !". "God God", said the farmer hand, "did not she say anything ??". "Well, yes," said the farmer, "Baaaaah !, Baaaah ! Baaaaah !" And on that note I'll leave you ! Gareth, from South Wales.
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