Lyr Add: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale

Subject: ADD: The Spoons Murder
From: Fiolar
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 10:22 AM

I heard this recently on Irish Radio, It's from a CD by Con O'Drisceoil entitled 'It's No Secret.' I found it quite funny and thought Mudcatters might also. Spoon-Players on the other hand might not

THE SPOONS MURDER
1.
In the tavern one night we were sitting;
I'm sure 'twas the last week of March.
From our drinks we were cautiously sipping,
To ensure that our throats didn't parch.

2.
We played music both lively and dacent
To bolster our spirits and hopes.
While we gazed at the females adjacent,
And remarked on their curves and their slopes.

3.
Till this gent wandered into our session,
And decided to join in the tunes.
Without waiting to ask our permission,
He took out a large pair of soup spoons.

4.
Our teeth in short time we were gritting.
As he shook and he rattled his toys;
And the company's eardrums were splitting,
With his ugly mechanical noise.

5.
Hopping spoons off our heads to provoke us,
He continued the music to kill.
Whether hornpipes, slow airs or polkas
They all sounded like pneumatic drills.

6.
Then he asked could we play any faster,
As his talent he wished to display.
With a grin on the face of the bastard,
Like a cat as she teases her prey.

7.
Our feelings by now were quite bloody,
And politely we asked him to quit.
We suggested a part of his body
Where those spoons could conveniently fit.

8.
This monster we pestered and hounded.
We implored him with curses and tears.
But in vain; our appeals they resounded
In the desert between his two ears.

9.
When I went out the back on a mission,
He arrived as I finished my leak.
He said, 'This is a mighty fine session,
I think I'll come here every week.'

10.
When I heard this, with rage I was leppin'
And no more of this torture I'd take.
I looked round for a suitable weapon
To silence this damn rattlesnake.

11.
Outside towards the yard I did sally.
To find something to vanquish my foe;
I grabbed hold of a gentleman's Raleigh
With fifteen-speed gear and dynamo.

12.
Then I battered this musical vandal;
As I shouted with furious cries,
'My dear man your last spoon you have handled,
Say your prayers and await your demise.'

13.
With the bike I assailed my tormentor;
As I swung in a frenzy of hate,
Till his bones and his skull were in splinters;
And his health in a very poor state.

14.
And when I was no longer able,
I forestalled any last minute hitch;
By removing the gear-changing cable,
And strangling the son-of-a-bitch.

15.
At the end of my onslaught ferocious
I stood back and surveyed the scene.
The state of the place was atrocious,
Full of fragments of man and machine.

16.
At the spoons player's remains I was staring;
His condition was surely no joke,
For his nose was clogged up with ball bearings,
And his left eye was pierced by a spoke.

17.
At the sight I was feeling quite squeamish;
So I washed up and went back inside.
Then I drank a half-gallon of Beamish,
For my throat in the struggle had dried.

18.
Unpolluted by cutlery's clatter,
The music was pleasant and sweet.
For the rest of the night nothing mattered,
But the tunes and the tapping of feet.

19.
At the inquest, the following September,
The coroner said, 'I conclude
The deceased by himself was dismembered,
As no sign could be found of a feud.'

20.
'For the evidence shows that the fact is;
As reported to me by the Guards,
He indulged in the foolhardy practice
Of trick cycling in public house yards.'

21.
So if you're desperately keen on percussion,
And to join in the tunes you can't wait,
Be you Irishman, German or Russian
Take a lesson from his awful fate.

22.
If your spoons are the best silver plated,
Or the humblest of cheap stainless steel,
When you play them abroad you'll be hated;
So just use them for eating your meal.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 11:11 AM

Brilliant!

I absolutely refuse to put up with 'spoon' players... At gigs or sessions... they get told in no uncertain terms to stop, leave or both!

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: GUEST,Sledge
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 11:31 AM

Spoon players, flak bait for Bodhran players :-)

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Margo
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 01:23 PM

Very cute. I have a freind who plays the bones marvelously. I wonder if the same sentiment applies... They don't have a metallic clink.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 01:39 PM

Great one - I heard that at Sidmouth this year.

I think it's a lot harder to play spoons in a way that respects the music than it is bones. I've never been able to manage spoons anyway.

It always seems to me that spoons tend to get played to the strict machanical rhythm, but with bones it's more natural to to play them to the tune.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Anglo
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 02:46 PM

Wonderful! Can someone post an abc of the tune? Or is it set to an existent tune?

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Mudlark
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 10:42 PM

Great lyric! Altho....I have occasionally heard spoons played well enough to be an asset, usually to bluegrass type music.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 10:49 PM

Well, I think the sound of the spoons is pleasant and that the song would be sickening if it weren't so tedious. Further proof that too much drink leads to pointless hostility.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Fiolar
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 06:29 AM

It's a humourous song, for God's sake.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 07:27 AM

It's really more of a monologue than a song. I can't even remember if I heard it with a tune or not, though I probably did.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: GUEST,Mac Tattie
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 09:11 AM

As both a singer(memory, throat,nasal passages and tintinitus permitting)and a spoonplayer of long-standing (long-sitting?) I take great care not to overplay my hand or ruin other musicians set pieces. Which is more than I can say about many guitarists, accordionists and fiddlers that play over, through and against and in different keys and time signitures to any one attempting to sing unaccoumpanied or with a restrained or quiet accoumpaniment. Instrument players and singers are a breed appart and at sessions, as far appart as posible. As for spoonplayers being limited, well it is true that most of us can only play in the keys of E, P, N and S. cheers.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Midchuck
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 12:37 PM

Mudlark said: I have occasionally heard spoons played well enough to be an asset, usually to bluegrass type music.

I immediately pulled out the well-known "Ten Commandments of playing Bluegrass music" - pardon me, "...of playing The Bluegrass Music." I won't take up this thread with all ten, but the third is relevant:

III.) Rattle not your tableware, nor strike it first against thy leg, then thy rib cage, all the while assuming the countenance of the stooge, for it is unclean and an abomination before me. Such apish behavior is damnable for seven generations.

Peter.

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 01:33 PM

I'm not the bottom of the barrel!

I'm not the bottom of the barrel!!

There's somebody more annoying than me!!!



Tommy Hayes does a nice job with the spoons, but he's a rarity.

Rich

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Mudlark
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 04:11 PM

Dear Peter....

Iconoclast's Absolute Rule #1...Rules were meant to be broken...

...and the dish ran away with the spoon...

Subject: RE: Spoons - A cautionary tale
From: Malcolm Douglas
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 07:54 PM

I know somebody who plays the spoons very well indeed, and is welcome anywhere.  Mind you, she is a rare exception: I also know of a session that used to move venues regularly in order to escape a spoon player of the other kind; they didn't feel able to kill him, though they were frequently tempted to.  After a couple of weeks, he'd track them down; "Oh, here you are".

Survivers still talk about it now, years after, and look over their shoulders, just in case...

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: MartinRyan
Date: 10 May 05 - 06:40 AM

I'm sure it's mentioned in other threads, but just for completeness - the tune used for Con's excellent song is "The Pretty Girl Milking her Cow"/ Cailín Deas Crúite na mbó".

Regards

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: Pied Piper
Date: 10 May 05 - 06:55 AM

"This is a local shop for local people"

Subject: Lyr Add: THE FIDDLE MURDER
From: GUEST,MINERVA
Date: 10 May 05 - 09:52 AM

THE FIDDLE MURDER

1. In the tavern one night we were sitting;
I'm sure 'twas the last week of March.
From our drinks we were cautiously sipping,
To ensure that our throats didn't parch.

2. We conversed both lively and dacent
To bolster our spirits and hopes.
While we gazed at the females adjacent,
And remarked on their curves and their slopes.

3. Till this gent elbowed into our discussion,
And decided to play in our middle.
Without waiting to ask our permission,
He took out a brain numbing fiddle.

4. Our teeth in short time we were gritting.
As he squeeked and scratched his toys;
And the company's eardrums were splitting,
With his ugly whining noise.

5. Hopping tunes off our heads to provoke us,
He continued the music to further.
Whether hornpipes, slow airs or polkas
They all sounded like cats being murdered.

6. Then he started to play even faster,
As his talent he wished to display.
With a grin on the face of the bastard,
Like a cat as she teases her prey.

7. Our feelings by now were quite bloody,
And politely we asked him to quit.
We suggested a part of his body
Where that fiddle and bow could conveniently fit.

8. This monster we pestered and hounded.
We implored him with curses and tears.
But in vain; our appeals they resounded
In the desert between his two ears.

9. When I went out the back on a mission,
He arrived as I finished my leak.
He said, 'This is a mighty fine location,
I think I'll come here every week.'

10. When I heard this, with rage I was leppin'
And no more of this torture I'd take.
I looked round for a suitable weapon
To silence this damn rattlesnake.

11. Outside towards the yard I did sally.
To find something to vanquish my foe;
I grabbed hold of a gentleman's Raleigh
With fifteen-speed gear and dynamo.

12. Then I battered his musical "instrument";
As I shouted with furious cries,
'This fiddle be damned to Hades this very moment,
A violin played as a fiddle deserves only demise.'

13. With the bike I assailed my tormentor;
As I swung in a frenzy of hate,
Till its soundbox and frets were in splinters;
And its neck in a very poor state.

14. And when I was no longer able,
I forestalled any last minute glitch;
By removing the gear-changing cable,
And tangling the strings with a clove hitch.

15. At the end of my onslaught ferocious
I stood back and surveyed the scene.
The state of the place was atrocious,
Full of fragments of fiddle and machine.

16. At the fiddle's remains I was staring;
Its condition was surely no joke,
For its sound box was clogged up with ball bearings,
And its chin rest was pierced by a spoke.

17. At the sight I was feeling quite squeamish;
So I washed up and went back inside.
Then I drank a half-gallon of Beamish,
For my throat in the struggle had dried.

18. Unpolluted by fiddle's yammer,
The discourse was pleasant and sweet.
For the rest of the night nothing mattered,
But the converse with the hot babes in their low cut shirts.

19. At the Civil Court inquest, the following September,
The judge said, 'It' my judgement
The fiddle was justifiably dismembered,
As no sign could be found of musical talent.'

20. 'For the evidence shows that the fact is;
As reported to me by the Guards,
He indulged in the foolhardy practice
Of trick cycling while playing the fiddle in public house yards,
for which I sentence him to twenty years hard labor and 400 hours of public service.'

21. So if you're desperately keen on fiddlin',
And to play us some tunes you can't wait,
Be you Irishman, German or Russian
Take a lesson from his awful fate.

22. Whether your fiddle's a Strad, 16th century dated,
Or the humblest of wood with cardboard top,
When you play it abroad you'll be hated;
So just use it for a door stop.

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From:
Date: 10 May 05 - 10:08 AM

And is this the same tune?

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: MartinRyan
Date: 10 May 05 - 10:32 AM

Doesn't quite fit, does it? I doubt if Con would pen that scansion!

Regards

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: GUEST
Date: 10 May 05 - 05:36 PM

Guest Minerva - does the word "plagiarism" mean anything to you? Write your own fecking songs.

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 11 May 05 - 04:51 AM

Excuse me, Guest 5:36 PM,

But what Minerva has written is called a "parody," and is not considered plagiarism. Try learning your own fecking language!

Lin

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: GUEST,Martin Ryan
Date: 11 May 05 - 07:11 AM

Of course, Minerva did indeed "feck" the song!

Regards
p.s. Seen the tee-shirts with "FCEK - The Irish Connection"?

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: GUEST
Date: 11 May 05 - 09:13 AM

LOL!

We can deduce that our anonymous GUEST is a fiddle player with a swelled head. The type of "Session player" who forms an exclusive little circle of insiders. Usally playing out of tune and off the beat, due to too much alchohol. Thinks he's doing great, though, as in the song about "After five rounds with Jose Cuervo, etc etc".

I'm reminded of a technical term I learned from an American military man for this kind of session - a circle jerk.

Hitting a little too close to home, eh, GUEST?

BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: Blackcatter
Date: 11 May 05 - 02:00 PM

I play the wooden version of the spoons. Most people like their sound and with a little practice they're pretty easy to play. As for get played to the strict machanical rhythm, but with bones it's more natural to to play them to the tune. I fit the rhythm to the song, each and every time.

Subject: RE: Spoons Murder - A cautionary tale
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 12 May 05 - 09:20 AM

I suspect that all this hostility has to do with the amount of alcohol consumed by the complainers, more than anything else.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil)
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Feb 06 - 05:21 PM

No, the hostility in irish trad circles is because

A) Most spoons players will tend to screw up a session; most are dabblers without any grounding in ITM and thus do not know the tunes or rhythms well enough and, what's worse, don't care to learn them.

B) Any attention-seeking fool can acquire a pair of spoons and thinks the fact that they have some rudimentary amount of skill entitles them to participate without asking. It doesn't.

The best spoons or bones players will:

A) have the good manners to play another instrument most of the time, preferably a melody instrument.

B) play spoons only sparingly and on tunes where everyone else is playing very well together and the spoons will not distract or annoy the others.

The fact that you own a pair of spoons or bones does not entitle you to play them, or to courteous treatment if you try to impose your spoons or bones playing on a session that was getting on quite fine without you.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil)
From: GUEST,tomas
Date: 30 Jul 06 - 07:30 AM

I'm terribly sorry. But if you will do such ridiculous things as ruin peoples lives with cutlery then the very least you deserve is a bike through the head. There is simply no excuse, ever!

And as for 'hostility' too bloody right! Put in the time, money and effort to learn a real fecking instrument.

Amen

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil)
From: MartinRyan
Date: 30 Jul 06 - 09:00 AM

That reminds me! Con's CD of his songs, complete with lyrics booklet, is almost ready for release. Watch this space!

Regards

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Spoons Murder (Con O'Drisceoil)
From: MartinRyan
Date: 25 Sep 06 - 07:31 PM

Check this thread for latest news!

Regards