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BS: any good jokes out there
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Subject: any good jokes out there From: tremodt Date: 12 Oct 01 - 08:03 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'ok lets get some good NEW jokes why is a banjo solo like a premature ejaculation you know it is coming but you cant stop it |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Art Thieme Date: 12 Oct 01 - 08:38 PM No. Art |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Jim Dixon Date: 12 Oct 01 - 08:48 PM Your premature ejaculation joke was already told in November, 1999 and again in February, 2000. Except then it was about accordions. Before you dare to call any joke "new," you'd better first familiarize yourself with all the old jokes. See the PermaThread™: List of all joke threads. |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: catspaw49 Date: 12 Oct 01 - 09:16 PM Well Ron, I'd suggest that thing between your legs, but that's an old joke. Well, the joke is old and that thing between your legs is an old joke too, so it works (or maybe it doesn't) on two levels. If it don't work for you at all, try some Viagra. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: GUEST,Chip A. Date: 12 Oct 01 - 10:53 PM What does a banjo picker use for birth control? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, His personality. |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: kendall Date: 13 Oct 01 - 08:31 AM Is there such a thing as a "new" joke? |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Allan C. Date: 13 Oct 01 - 10:19 AM Kendall, judging from the above, it would seem that there isn't; but there is about to be. We are going to write one right here and now. Someone needs to complete only one small portion of the following and then allow someone else to continue with another small addition. We'll see if maybe we can create something new. Two (fill in the blank) were discussing the problem of (fill in the blank). The first one complained that (fill in the blank). The second one...(I'll leave you guys figure out the rest) |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Bill D Date: 13 Oct 01 - 12:26 PM Two (Mudcatters) were discussing the problem of (new jokes). The first one complained that (there weren't any). The second one...(used cut & paste and rhetorical trickery to create a thread of potential infinite regress) |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: The Walrus Date: 13 Oct 01 - 07:17 PM And now the Spanish Football Results: Real Madrid 3 Surreal Madrid Fish I'll get me coat. Walrus |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Crazy Eddie Date: 14 Oct 01 - 04:34 AM Walrus, Your scores are out of date. Today, Real Madrid played Unreal Madrid. Score: Real Madrid 1 Unreal Madrid The square root of minus 1 I'll get my coat too.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Steve in Idaho Date: 14 Oct 01 - 11:54 AM Two old farm couples were talking to each other after a Sunday dinner. The wives were cleaning up the kitchen and the men were relaxing on the porch. A nice summer breeze was blowing so the windows of the house were open to enjoy this. The two men were commenting about how wonderful the dinner was and how it was a shame a feller couldn't go out and get a nice meal at a restaurant anymore - what with all the fast food places and such. One old man told his friend that he and the Mrs. had recently been out to a really fine restaurant but he couldn't recall the name. He struggled and struggled trying to think of it but the name just wouldn't come to him. Finally he asked his friend, "What's that flower? You know the one that has a long stem, smells really good, and has thorns on it?" His friend replied, "A Rose?" Brightening visibly the old man looked over to his Mrs. and said, "That's it! Rose - What's the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Little Hawk Date: 14 Oct 01 - 02:06 PM LOL! Good one. I've got a penny down the back of my shirt... - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Mr Red Date: 14 Oct 01 - 06:12 PM Walrus & Crazy Eddie call me a pedant but........ I've got my coat in my hands the modern version has to be somewhat like Real Madrid 1 Virtual Madrid 1.05 (but you can buy the service pack in extra time) latest update - Virtual Madrid 1.15 Late result West Bromwich Ambulances 2 Aston Vanilla 1 (easily licked) |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Donuel Date: 14 Oct 01 - 07:49 PM Three guys, A Canadian, bin Laden and Uncle Sam were out walking one day. They come across an old lamp. A Genie pops out of the lamp and says: "I will grant each one of you one wish....a total of three.">> The Canadian says, "I am a farmer. My land is fertile. I would like it to remain that way and free of pests without pesticides or GM crops." 'Poof" the wish was granted................>Osama bin Laden wishes for a continuous wall around All Muslim Nations to keep out infidels, Jews and Americans.."Poof" His wish was also granted.'.................Uncle Sam, a former pipline engineer, asks for more information about bin Laden's wall. "I'm just curious, its not my wish mind you", he explains. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds All Islamic states: nothing can get in or out--Virtually impenetrable."......."Fine" says Uncle Sam,..."Fill it with water."^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^blub^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Max Tone Date: 14 Oct 01 - 08:37 PM (Broad Doric-speakin') Aberdeen-shire mid-wife, upon wipin' doon a new-bairn lad, says tae the breathless mither -- "An' fit ye goany ca' the wee tyke?" "Nathan" replies the gaspin' ma. "Naethin'" retorts the midwife, "bit ye hae tae cry the wean summit". |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: 53 Date: 14 Oct 01 - 11:57 PM maybe spaw needs some viagra. |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Frank Maher Date: 15 Oct 01 - 09:35 AM Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe and Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go,swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, I'm not fucking going.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Paul from Hull Date: 15 Oct 01 - 09:45 AM *ROLMAO* |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Gervase Date: 15 Oct 01 - 10:32 AM A Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman. "Can I help you?" the Madam asked.
"I want to see Natalie", the slick looking chap said.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and counted out ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again requesting to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.
Again the man took out the exact amount, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. As he was leaving Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
" Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your great aunt died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to bring you your $3,000 inheritance."
Moral of the story: Some things in life you can count on: Taxes, Death, and being screwed by a lawyer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Gervase Date: 15 Oct 01 - 10:35 AM ...or there's An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"
Old man says, "what you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"
Old man yells, "you damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Gervase Date: 15 Oct 01 - 10:41 AM ...or again... Why Men Stand And Pee
God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Gervase Date: 15 Oct 01 - 10:45 AM ...oh, all right then, maybe just the one more... After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" ...that's quite enough of that, thank you very much. Now kindly leave... |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 15 Oct 01 - 10:51 AM Here's your coat...! RtS (scribbling them down) |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: mooman Date: 15 Oct 01 - 11:47 AM There's a topical one going round Brussels (the home of the European Commission) at the moment. The Belgian Gendarmerie and Intelligence Services revealed this week that a 4-person terrorist cell has been discovered at the heart of the European Commission. Three of the cell were quickly spotted and arrested: Bin Dozin', Bin Lyin', and Bin Shirkin'. The fourth member of the gang, thought to be called Bin Workin' has proved much more elusive to identify and capture. mooman |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: GUEST,JohnB Date: 15 Oct 01 - 12:41 PM A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" Sorry! Well not really! JohnB |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Steve in Idaho Date: 15 Oct 01 - 03:04 PM There was this young couple out for their Honeymoon when their car broke down. As night was beginning to fall they decided to try and find a spot for the night. Off in the distance they spotted a farm house and went to inquire about lodging for the evening. Knocking on the door the couple was greeted by the elderly farmer and his wife. Both curious as to who it could be since they had not had visitors for a long time. The couple explained their predicament and the old couple said they most certainly could spend the night with them. Unfortunately they only had the one bedroom but assured the couple that the barn was tight and had a loft of freshly mown hay to lie on. The elderly couple asked if the youngsters were hungry but the newlyweds declined citing the need to get some "rest." With a wink the old farmer brought along some blankets and pillows to make the newly crowned Honeymoon Suite even more comfortable. Early the next morning the farmer went out to do his morning chores and on the way back yelled up to the couple asking if they were hungry for some breakfast - his Mrs. was a very good cook - but the honeymooners declined saying, "We're living on the fruits of love!" Smiling the farmer went back into the house. Later that afternoon as he was returning from the field he once again asked the couple if they would like to come in for some lunch - his Mrs. was a very good cook - but once again the couple declined saying, "No Thank You we're living on the fruits of love." The old farmer smiled at the resilience of youth and after lunch once again returned to his work in the fields. Upon his return to the house he asked the couple again if they would like some dinner - his wife was a very good cook - and once again the couple declined saying, "Oh no - we're living on the fruits of love!" The old farmer and his wife had a bit of a smile over this and went to bed thinking of the young couple so new to each other. The next morning the old farmer went out to see if by now, and surely they would be, the couple was hungry. But once again he was greeted with the same thing - "We're living on the fruits of love." This scenario was the same for the second entire day. That evening the farmer once again went out and asked the couple if they would like to come in for dinner and they once again replied that they were not hungry as they were still "living on the fruits of love!" To which the farmer replied - "Well that's all well and good but I wish you would quit throwing the peelings out in the yard - they're killing the chickens!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Ebbie Date: 15 Oct 01 - 05:43 PM Sorry. This struck me funny. Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm receiving a fax," he explains. Ebbie
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Steve in Idaho Date: 15 Oct 01 - 06:22 PM Ebbie - I just got it in e-mail - cracked me up too!! Steve |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: VoxFox Date: 15 Oct 01 - 07:05 PM A little boy decided to make his Granny breakfast in bed one morning. He brought her in a cup of coffee and sat on the bed while she drank it. Trying very hard not to make a face, as the coffe was vile, she drained the cup only to find three green plastic army men in the bottom. She asked her grandson why he had put them in her coffee and he replyed,"Granny, don't you 'member the commercial? It says the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!" *BG* VF |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Bill D Date: 15 Oct 01 - 07:15 PM A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, youm need to make sure he's really dead." There is a short silence, then a shot is heard..... The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Cantrip Date: 16 Oct 01 - 02:29 PM How many bodhran players does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. Just the one to actually change it, and the other three to wrestle the fiddle player out of all the available light. |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: GUEST,AA Date: 16 Oct 01 - 02:39 PM Two newlyweds are on their honeymoon, first night. The wife is in bed, and she watches as her husband starts to undress. He first takes off his shoes and socks, and his wife can't help but stare at his very odd feet. "I know my feet are unusual", says he. "You see, when I was a small child, I had Tolio." "Tolio?" asks the wife. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, no," he replies. "I had Tolio." Next he pulls down his trousers, and his new wife can't help staring at his legs. "I realize my legs are rather peculiar," says the husband. "You see, when I was a child I had Kneezles." "Kneezles?" asked the wife. "Don't you mean Measles?" "No, no," he explains self-consciously. "I had kneezles." Finally the young man removes his underwear. "Don't tell me!" exclaims the wife. "You had Smallcox!"
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: vectis Date: 16 Oct 01 - 07:15 PM New European directive in order to harmonise currencys: the Brits can no longer 'spend a penny' The official title is now to be Euronating |
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Subject: RE: BS: any good jokes out there From: Skipper Jack Date: 17 Oct 01 - 10:20 AM The Irish S.A.S is understood to have made a secret raid on Bristol Zoo. They killed all the gorillas and freed all the ostriches.
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