Lyr Req: Joan the Leather Queen (R. Shuttleworth)

Subject: Joan the leather queen
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 14 Jan 02 - 06:34 AM

Does anyone have the words of "Joan the leather queen". It's a parody of "Jim the carter lad" and has a choras which goes something like:

Crack, crack goes my whip, Oh how the lashes sting. I tie up chaps in chains and straps And lash them till they sing. I make them roar so loudly, While I stand all serene. There's none can hurt a man so bad, As Joan the leather queen.

It's not for me - honest - I want Linda to sing it - preferably without the actions - although there are some folkies I can think of who could do with the odd bit of discipline/correction. If you can think of any suitable recipients who will be going to Stony Stratford, I'll try and make sure that she packs her Satin Basque, Fishnet Stockings, Leather Boots etc.... whoops I'd better go and get a cold shower !

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the leather queen
From: JudeL
Date: 14 Jan 02 - 07:10 AM

Yes, will dig them out and post them later Jude

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the leather queen
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 14 Jan 02 - 02:20 PM

I don't have the words, but the song was written by Joan Shuttleworth. Her Husband Ron is a long time member of Coventry Mummers. If the forum does not come up with the words, perhaps you could get in touch via the Mummers web site - Coventry Mummers.
Quack!
GtD.

Subject: Lyr Add: JOAN, THE LEATHER QUEEN (R. Shuttleworth)
From: JudeL
Date: 15 Jan 02 - 05:06 AM

JOAN, THE LEATHER QUEEN (Air: Jim the Carter Lad) by Ron Shuttleworth

My name is Joan, the Leather Queen; you all know what I do.
My clientele is so select, like something from Who's Who.
They come to me to punish them for every naughty prank.
And then they're all so grateful, I go laughing to the bank.

Chorus
Crack, crack goes the whip! Oh, how the lashes sting!
I tie up chaps with chains and straps, and beat them till they sing!
I make them crawl so humbly, as I stand there serene,
There's none can treat a man so cruel, as Joan, the Leather Queen!

My Ma was into discipline for years ere I was born.
She'd go to work at six o'clock and get to bed at dawn.
Sometimes she took me with her, when I was home from school.
And once she let me cane my old headmaster something cruel!

The Bishop tells his flock, "The Lord forgives, so do not fear".
Then he comes to me 'cos he knows that he gets no forgiveness here!
Lord Justice Hughs has liberal views on every this-and-that.
To me he'll come and bare his bum, and cry "Bring back the cat!"

(standard last verse)
I must concede the life I lead may sound a trifle queer,
But I never harm a living soul who's not a volunteer,
And underneath my peep-hole bra beats an honest heart and true,
So perhaps you might come round one night and see what I can do!

-------------------------

Optional verses (pick and mix)
There's a lovely tall dark gypsy lad I might even do for free.
He likes me to pet his lengro with a silver chain, you see.
He brings a new piece everytime, then leaves it as the score.
My stock of Long John's silver chain is a hundred yards or more.

In February of '92 came my blackest day , I'm sure,
For suddenly each thing I do is now against the law;
But there won'be any trouble, and I will be alright,
As long as our Chief Constable comes round each Tuesday night.

I always pay my Income Tax, my Rates and VAT,
I've a friend or two, in the revenue, who're very kind to me,
And twice a month they call around to collect whatever's due,
I pay my tax in whacks and smacks - don't you wish that you could too?

(folk festivals final verse)
I've a workshop here at Sidmouth* , just now it's all the crack!
Left at the festival office, and first door round the back:
There's lashings of surprises for you to come and see -
You may think that you can't dance or sing but you'll do both for me!

*change to suit location

I've identified it as written by Ron Shuttleworth rather than Joan because that's certainly the impression he gave me when he gave me a copy of the words. Beware of the timing on verse three, (for me at least) it doesn't seem to scan as easily as the others. Have fun Jude

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the leather queen
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 15 Jan 02 - 05:43 AM

Thanks for such a cornucopia of lyrics Jude - think that will keep Linda busy for hours - learning them I mean.

Thanks to Geoff as well for the information about Joan and Ron Shuttleworth. I'm pretty sure I first met Ron over 30 years ago at Keele Folk Festival. Did he work for Landrover ?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the leather queen
From: JudeL
Date: 15 Jan 02 - 05:58 AM

The question is : is she going to dress the part? ....... if so I just happen to have a whip she might like to borrow - curtesy of Anne Marie who was the landlady of Micca's local

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the leather queen
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 16 Jan 02 - 04:38 AM

Well, as I suggested at the top of the thread, Linda might be persuaded to bring her red satin basque, fishnets etc. to Stony. I do own a riding crop (a relic of perfectly proper equine activities I'll have you know - although we've all comitted beastiality and necrophilia by flogging the odd dead horse). How big is the whip ? - does size matter ?. Perhaps a little "discipline" could help to "correct" Mudcat's financial problems.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the leather queen
From: JudeL
Date: 16 Jan 02 - 12:25 PM

it's 5ft long mostly quite stiff with a tassel like bit at the end. I'm told it's a carriage whip. Jude

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the leather queen
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 17 Jan 02 - 04:45 AM

That's much bigger than my one (story of my life) - bet you could raise welts like nobody else (Tom Lehrer). Incidently if size doesn't matter to women, why are all the dildos that I see (when Linda drags me into Anne Summers) so large ?

Subject: Joan the Leather Queen?
From: GUEST,Lee Thompson-Herbert
Date: 24 Jan 02 - 01:25 AM

The White Rats are in desperate NEED of this song. We know it's a parody of Joe the Carrier Lad, and that it was posted here some time ago. Please help the Rats continue their tradition of scandalizing the morris community. We have gigs coming up in April that are practically screaming for a song like this.

Lee Thompson-Herbert [e-mail] Head Muso, White Rats Experimental Morris The Music Top

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Joan the Leather Queen?
From: Joan from Wigan
Date: 24 Jan 02 - 02:09 AM

Here's a link to a thread where a request for this song was answered very recently: click here