Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Ron Davies
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 10:26 AM

"They've found"

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 10:45 AM

I imagine there's a hillbilly equivalent to the one from Newfiundland I heard,

"What's black and blue and floats in the bay?.

'"Last fella came in here and told a Newfie joke."

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: bobad
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 10:50 AM

Hilbilly fire alarm

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mark Ross
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 04:17 PM

Why isn't there a TV show called "CSI Kentucky"?
There aren't any dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Mark Ross

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 05:27 PM

hillbilly family goes to the big city for the first time.the old man and his son went into the hotel leaving mah in the pick up outside.the ol timer is fascinated b y the lift.he observes an old frumpy looking woman enter this sliding door.seconds after he sees an attractive young woman get out the lift.
he turns to his son and says "quick chuck,go get yer mah".

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 09:45 PM

An old thread, but maybe someone still needs a joke?

From the "Home Rangers Joke Book"

The Home Rangers combine bluegrass and cowboy songs into the perfect mix. The Home Rangers are: Richard Crowson-Editorial Cartoonist for the Wichita Eagle, Andrew McCalmont-Oil Man, Stan Greer-6th Grade teacher in Maize, America, David Hawkins-Insurance Guy and former Kansas Mandolin and Banjo Championship winner.

The Home Rangers have opened shows for Alison Krauss, Michael Martin Murphey, Red Steagall, Waddie Mitchell, and have played the prestigious Walnut Valley Festival in Winfield, Kansas.

Their recently released debut album entitled, "Bad Boots," includes cowboy songs, western music, and the original title song. Though many of the songs may be familiar, the arrangements are unique to The Home Rangers. Around the campfire, the boys call their music "moograss."


(No publication info or © shown, although you may need to make some adjustments. A few of these depend on "delivery" and appropriate mispronounciation.(?) Some can probably be turned into any ethnic/national/regional kind you need.

Did you hear about the shipload of yo-yo's that sank fourteen times?

Q. What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
A. Hop in.

Q. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs?
A. Doesn't matter, he's not gonna come anyway.

Q. What's Irish and sits outside?
A. Patio Furniture.

Q. Why was Isaac 12 years old when God called Abraham to sacrifice his son?
A. Because if he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

In a fancy restaurant David asked the waiter,
"Waiter, do you have frog's legs?" The waiter replied, "No, I just walk this way because my pants are too tight.

One day Stan saw Richard in the middle of the day.
He asked, "Why aren't you working?" Richard replied,
"The boss and I had a fight and he won't take back something he said,"
"What did he say?"
"You're fired."

Stan is happy to take this opportunity to say that his long time troubles with the IRS are nearly over. He recently received a letter from them that said, "Final Notice."

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A. A-flat minor.

Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. It was the chicken's day off.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.

Q. What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?
A. Boy, I'll never do that again for two bucks.

The Home Rangers were dining out on the road. The special of the day was beef tongue. Andrew ordered the tongue, Richard ordered the tongue, and David ordered the tongue. When it came time for Stan to order, he said, "I don't think I could stand to eat anything that came out of the mouth of an animal. Just bring me a couple of eggs."

Q. Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?
A. Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer . . invite two and they won't drink any.

Stan's grandfather died and he told the undertaker he wanted to give Grandpa the very best. They had the funeral and the undertaker sent him a bill for $16,000.
Stan paid it. A month later he got a bill for $85, which he paid, and the next month there was another $85 bill, and the next month another $85 dollar bill.
Finally Stan called up the undertaker and the undertaker said, "Well, Stan, you said you wanted the best for your Grandpa, so I rented him a tux."

When Stan was a kid they were so poor, when his little brother broke his arm, they had to take him out to the airport for x-rays.

They were so poor they'd lick stamps for dinner.

One fine summer day Stan was visiting pawn shops in Wichita when he spotted a beautiful golden rat that he just had to have. When he asked the price, he was told it was $500 with the explanation, and $50 without the explanation.
Being a bright fellow, Stan forked over the $50 and headed home with his prize. As he left the parking lot, he noticed several rats following his pickup. As, he headed down Broadway, thousands more joined them. Soon, every rat in Wichita was following. At the Johnny Mack bridge, Stan hurled the golden rat out the window into the Arkansas River. All the rats promptly jumped in the river after it and drowned.
Stan immediately headed for the pawn shop. When he walked through the front door, the proprietor said, "I'll bet you're here for the explanation." "No," Stan replied, "I'm here to buy that golden banjo."

One day while out on the range, David was bitten by a mad dog. He immediately took out a pad and pencil and started to write.
Stan ran up to him and said, "You don't have to write your will. They can cure rabies."
"It's not my will," David replied, "it's a list of people I'm going to bite."


Have you ever wondered when you see a V of geese flying over why one side of the V is longer than the other side?
It's because there are more geese on the long side.

David: "Stan, if it wasn't for one thing you'd be a bald faced liar."
Stan: "Oh yeah, what's that?"
David: "Your beard."

John

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jun 13 - 04:37 AM

As has been remarked before above, jokes vary in their regional targets. They have hillbilly jokes in the west. We have Irish jokes in England. They have Polish jokes in New York --

Have you heard about the man found dead at the bottom of the Grand Canyon wearing roller-skates? The police were baffled till they found out his name was Evel Kowalski.

(I got that one from Heather Wood, who lives in NY).

~M~

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Bert
Date: 10 Jun 13 - 06:43 PM

...and in Texas they tell true stories about Aggies.

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Jun 13 - 06:03 AM

In New Zealand they tell Australian jokes. Or Mauri jokes, or cocoanut jokes (Islanders from Somao, Fiji etc).
In Poland they tell Russian jokes.
In Latvia they tell Russian jokes.
In France Belgie jokes.
In the Black Country (UK industrial area north of Birmingham) They tell Enoch & Eli jokes which are at least locality-free, but not averse to telling Willenhall jokes in Wednesbury, and Wednesbury jokes in Humpshire. The latter is the familiar name for Willenhall where the local industry was lock mekkin'. The humps refer to the rounded shoulders of the lock makers, and the tale was that they had seats with alcoves in pub for the lock mekkers 'umps. I never saw any.

The classic description of Willenhall was that they put the pig on the wall to watch the band go by. A story I have heard about nearby villages in Yorkshire, and in the Forest of Dean.

We tend to compare ourselves with those we know, and that has to be geographically close in most cases. Us and Them.

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 11 Jun 13 - 09:54 PM

While the more complex jokes often are tailored to an ethnicity or social class/group, and some of them only really work for one kind, the one-liners can usually be simply modified to whatever group you want to insult. Some adjustment is necessary anyway, if you're going to come across as telling your own jokes instead of just reciting someone else's.

For both kinds, it's generally best to reserve your needling to groups of which you, yourself, are a member or at least a close fellow-traveller - or at least get a straight man of an appropriate reputation with a good sense of humor. (And you can create any reputation you need for a regular straight man, if you can get one to stick with you for a few performances.)

"The library at the (Ag college/Presidential archive/any small town) burned down last night.
They lost dozens of really good books.
Some of them hadn't even been colored in."

John

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Jun 13 - 11:55 PM

"they put the pig on the wall to watch the band go by. A story I have heard about nearby villages in Yorkshire, and in the Forest of Dean"
.,,.,.
Oh, but taint no story, but tis true in the Vorest, Mr R. My late wife Valerie did come from Lower Soudley in the Vorest of Dean, where er vather Donald Godwin was a Vree Vorester and a miner as ever was and worked in Waterloo Pit as pit-pony boy when e were just 14, and her Uncle Ivor Hopkins did tell er that when e were a lad e did see that pig on that wall is very self, as Ruardean Colliery Band did goo by, just up there in next village o Ruspidge!...

And er Uncle Ivor's vather did goo to prison vor the bear*, zo e did know what e did talk of...

~M~


*see section
    1.1 Who killed the bears?

in -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruardean

tho not surprisingly the version in Soudley was not identical: an Italian, only one bear, & prison not fines.
Folklore lives...

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Jun 13 - 12:07 AM

I didn't make that up, BTW; I don't mean the actual pig bit obviously, but its narration as it came to my late wife -- all as I got it from Valerie, who got it from her much-loved old neighbour whom she called 'Uncle', Ivor Hopkins. He would tell her also that when he had misbehaved as a child, his father would thrash him, saying as he did so, "I've been in prison, my bwoy, and I'll larn thee to stay out!"

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Jun 13 - 12:18 AM

For my wife's credentials, if interested, see her wikipedia entry ~~

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valerie_Grosvenor_Myer

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 12 Jun 13 - 04:34 PM

I once asked a hillbiily what kind of music he liked and he replied,
"Both. Country and Western."

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,Arkie
Date: 13 Jun 13 - 10:24 AM

A little late perhaps, but anyone interested in hillbilly humor that is suitable for all might check on the book "Slow Train Through Arkansas".

Here a clip that can provide a preview.

Slow Train

Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 13 Jun 13 - 10:42 AM

That's a queer place, Birmingham, how can a million people have the same speech impediment ?

Dave H