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BS: Axis of Evil
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BS: Axis of Evil |
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Subject: Axis of Evil From: GUEST,giggling wickedly Date: 05 Feb 02 - 01:58 PM Subject: Axis of Evil "In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis of Evil" -- N.Y.Times, 1/30/02 ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA & SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL" Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs BEIJING: (SatireWire.com) - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union >address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked. Cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them. Copyright + 2002, SatireWire. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: GUEST Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:48 PM Additionally, this story from the archives is, in the post9/11 world, more widely believed by Americans than any other internationalist conspiracy to date: AMERICANS ANNOYED BY "ALL THIS INTERNATIONAL SHIT" ON INTERNET Web's Increasingly Worldly Flavor Threatens Americans' Worldview PULLMAN, WASH. (SatireWire.com) — The profusion of international news available on the Internet has made it increasingly difficult for the average American to ignore the rest of the world, a trend researchers say threatens Americans' long, proud history of disregarding anything not about them. "With all the foreign newspapers and multi-cultural sites, the Internet is making it almost impossible for the average American to remain uninformed and apathetic," said Samantha Lessborn of Washington State University, which conducted the survey. "Americans can still do it. But it now takes effort, whereas before it was as easy as turning off Tom Brokaw whenever he said 'In South Korea today...'" According to survey participant Danny Grisham, a 22-year-old from Cheyenne, Wyoming, it's not just the plethora of international news on the Web that is irritating. "Look, I can get around the news. I just turn off Reuters headlines in MyYahoo," he said. "But even some of the search sites like Yahoo and Alta Vista are available in different languages. Like everybody in the world doesn't speak English. Yeah, right." "I can see where it's important if we're, like, beating some country in the Olympics or bombing them or, ideally, both," Grisham added. "But if some Colombian drug lord sinks a ferry full of Israeli soldiers in North Latvoania or Serbo-Malaysia, or wherever, and Americans aren't involved, what has that got to do with me?" Other respondents said they were appalled, not just by the availability of non-U.S. news, but by the way important U.S. news is reported by some of these foreign sites. "Yesterday, for instance, the St. Louis Rams beat the Atlanta Falcons, OK, and I go to the London Times site and it's not even there," said Chip Pernadge of Kansas City, Mo. "Jesus, no wonder those guys lost the war and had to give Hong Kong back to Canada." Sensing a market opportunity, Net Nanny, makers of Net Nanny filtering software, announced this week it will introduce NetNarrow, an English-only product that automatically filters out content that appears to be international. Specifically, the software looks for world datelines and keywords indicative of irrelevant foreign stories, including "Shiite," "post-Apartheid," and "Bob Geldof." Survey-taker Craig Barker of Brooklyn, New York, said he will be among the first to get NetNarrow. "On the Web, there are so many ways to get news from so many different places, I could really get some fresh insights into what's going on in other countries if I wanted to," he said.. "But I don't want to." "You'd think these Internet people would know that," Barker added. "I mean, that's why the Internet is called America Online, right? It's supposed to be about America." Editor's Note: It seems that after reading this entirely fictional story, some investors/customers of Net Nanny believed the company actually was going to produce NetNarrow software. As a result, Net Nanny asked SatireWire to please assure people that this is not the case. No, really. Copyright © 2000-2001, SatireWire.
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: Kim C Date: 05 Feb 02 - 04:38 PM 333 = not half as bad as you think they are. ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: sophocleese Date: 05 Feb 02 - 07:25 PM I hadn't heard of SatireWire before. Thank you "giggling wickedly" and other guest for letting me know about it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: Amos Date: 05 Feb 02 - 08:46 PM These guys are the funnies thing i have seen in a couple of weeks!! Hoo Ha!! Thanks for the belly laugh!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:46 AM I am reminded of The Onion article about how THE US IS TOO DEPENDENT ON FOREIGN TURMOIL... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: Little Hawk Date: 06 Feb 02 - 01:46 PM Ha! Poor old Canada is just too bland to ever qualify for membership in the Axis of Evil, but there's still a chance we could get invaded by the USA, if we just decided to keep all that fresh water for ourselves... Scary, eh? - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: sophocleese Date: 06 Feb 02 - 06:13 PM Nonsense! Little Hawk there's no need for invasion. The U.S. will magnanimously stop demanding unreasonable tariffs on softwood lumber in exchange for unlimited access to our water. So shut up and start filling that second swimming pool.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: Little Hawk Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:13 PM Right. Well, we can still fight back, eh? We can sing "God Save The Queen" at official bilateral functions just to really bug them... That tune was stolen by the Americans way back when and has been used ever since in one of their own most popular anthems, so when we do that it will drive 'em nuts, cos they'll think we're getting the words wrong! They may even think it has something to do with gays coming out of the closet... We can repatriate all Canadian hockey players and devastate the NHL teams in the USA. We can refuse to export Canadian beer to them. That should bring them to their knees in short order. We can remind them that Resdan is STILL only available in Canada. The way I see it, with a little determination and grit we could advance from Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America to Nations That Show a Thinly Veiled Contempt For America and Richly Deserve to be Bombed Into Extinction on the Slightest Excuse! It worked for Gaul, and ancient Britain, so why not for us? - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: Amos Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:20 PM Little Hawk: You are chronically temporally discombobulated. America never considered Ancient Brittain a nation deserving of bombs, and some of our best friends are Gauls!! A. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: Little Hawk Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:33 PM Aww, fer heaven's sake! Is allegory not understood around here at all? :-) - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Axis of Evil From: DougR Date: 07 Feb 02 - 12:11 AM I don't know why all you Canadians are getting so upset. By the time Jed and Big Mick get through with Canada, you should qualify for Foreign Aid. That's a helluva lot better than having to rebuild. DougR |