HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES

Subject: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Jeep man
Date: 16 May 02 - 12:39 PM

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Folks, I need some good old down south Hound dog tales for an upcoming event. I have a few but need more. Coon dogs, Possum Dogs, Fox Dogs, Wild Boar Dogs, most any kind of hunting dog. Thanks in advance, Jee Man

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Bill D
Date: 16 May 02 - 04:29 PM

"An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim." --------------------------------------------------------

"Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

---------------------------------------------------------

"There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope." As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Jeep man
Date: 16 May 02 - 05:51 PM

Great, Bill. I can use more. Jim

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: GUEST,ozmacca
Date: 16 May 02 - 07:30 PM

The guy who goes into the bar and says, "Hey, who owns the Doberman outside?" and a seven foot leather-clad hairy bikie says, "I do... who wants to know?" The newcomer says, "Well, I have to apologise to you, because my dog just killed your dog." The bikie is aghast... "Your dog killed mine? That was the toughest, meanest animal I ever heard of! What kind of dog have you got?" The newcomer says, "It's a chihuahua." The bikie doesn't believe it. "A chihuahua? And it killed my Doberman? How?" The newcomer said "He got stuck in your dog's throat."

Sorry about that......

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Jeep man
Date: 16 May 02 - 09:04 PM

My uncle Bud had a coon dog the he swore could run a coon for 30 minutes and never touch the ground. Who knows. Jim

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: gnu
Date: 17 May 02 - 04:15 PM

I had a beagle named Duke. We use to hunt rabbits for two hours and dog for three.

One day, he was on the trail and howling a storm but went silent and, after about a minute, began again close by. A sport with us said that Duke must have lost the scent for a bit. I replied, "Naw, just runnin on posted land."

But, we lost Duke. One day, Dad took the shoutgun out of the closet to get at the ironing board for Mum. Duke got real excited and ran off. I suppose he's still lookin for somethin ta stretch out on that ironin board.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 May 02 - 04:24 PM

Old hound dog sat in the yard licking his testicles.

Old girl looks up from rocking chair and says 'I wish I was still young enough to get so low.'

Old guy unzips his flies and says 'Now's your chance Charlene...'

(Sorry)

DtG

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: gnu
Date: 17 May 02 - 04:29 PM

Have you heard ".... shoot old Blue !!" or "... there's more birds in there than you can shake a stick at." ? My typing is sloooow and I'll only post them if you haven't heard them.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 17 May 02 - 04:33 PM

"Well, it was one time when RL decided he'd give up the roadhouse life and be a farmer. He had him a worthless ol Coondog name Tad. That ol dog could fart and clear a room in three seconds flat. He used to say "Git, Tad!" when he'd hear Tad rip one and Tad'd leave the kitchen. It got to where RL didn't have to tell him anymore, and Tad would just cut one and leave on his own. Pretty soon, anytime Tad got up to leave, everybody else would make a run for it at the same time." Jessie began laughing, tears falling down his cheeks. "One time ol Tad was nosin around in some blackberry bushes and RL hears him rip one, and pretty soon this skunk comes runnin out." Jessie shook with laughter. "RL always said that was one hell of a fartin' dog could flush a skunk out of a blackberry bush."

...from 57 Les Paul A Mudcat Fiction piece

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Jeep man
Date: 17 May 02 - 06:34 PM

These are getting better all the time. Jim

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: toadfrog
Date: 17 May 02 - 06:50 PM

I saw a hound dog walk into a tavern, where he ordered a beer. Bartender served the hound dog, saying "that's two dollars, sir." Hound dog paid, and sat quietly, drinking. Bartender stared. Finally, unable to overcome his curiosity, Bartender walked over, said:

"You don't see too many hound dogs in the bars, these days."

Hound dog: "At these prices, you ain't going to see any more!"

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Mr Happy
Date: 22 May 02 - 09:15 AM

i say, i say, i say, my dog's got no nose!

how does he smell?

terrible!

innit!

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: gnu
Date: 22 May 02 - 09:36 AM

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.... run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: GUEST,jjmodel48
Date: 22 May 02 - 10:05 AM

It took about a week for me to housebreak my new hound pup but I have done it. Ever time he would crap in the floor I'd jerk him up, stick his nose in it and sling him out the window. Now that he is trained he craps in the floor and on his own will stick his nose in it and jump out the window.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 May 02 - 11:12 AM

Quotes copied (selectively) from http://www.behaviour-problems.freeserve.co.uk/2/Fun/dogquote.htm (And a few other sources.)

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -- Dave Barry

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -- Rita Rudner

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. -- Penny Ward Moser

In dog years, I'm dead. -- Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. -- Joe Weinstein

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too. -- Samuel Butler

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. -- Aldous Huxley

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. -- Gene Hill

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -- Robert A. Heinlein

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 May 02 - 12:53 PM

Old couple rocking on their front porch. Old hound dog beside them, begins to lick himself (as dogs do...). Old man says, wish I could do that. Old lady says, Go ahead... might get bit, though!

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: jjmodel48
Date: 22 May 02 - 01:54 PM

Know why dogs lick their privates? Because they can.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 May 02 - 10:47 PM

True story: My son's second-grade teacher had a collection of proverbs invented by her students. One of them was:

If you're being dragged, let go of the leash.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: gnu
Date: 23 May 02 - 04:57 AM

Jim DAMNIT ! Tea on the monitor again... ROTFLMAO !!!

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Jeep man
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 11:00 PM

Hey, Gnu. I sure would like to have the lyrics you spoke of. Jim

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Neighmond
Date: 01 May 03 - 02:52 AM

True story:
I have a Blue Gascoigne Coonhound. He is big. Lots of big teeth, too. I was moving out of my old place in E-burg, and gave the landlord permission to show my house if I was notified 48 hours in advance. No exceptions.

I came home one day about 9pm and saw the dog in the yard barking at the tree. This was unusual but not unheard of, as the inside door had an oval knob he could turn with his teeth. Occasionally the storm door on the porch wouldn't latch so he could get out and not back in.

I had an armload of groceries so I just went in and didn't bother with him, as he looked like he was having fun and the yard was fenced in anyway. As I was putting groceries away, I noticed a red Jaguar in my back lane. The door was open and the car empty, and it slowly dawned on me just what the hound had up the tree.

I went out and grabbed his coller and put him on the porch, and brought out a ladder to make it easier for the landlord to get out. Turns out the landlord didn't listen, and had come to show my house at 6pm without telling me, so he had no room to bitch.

He wouldn't have bitten the landlord, but the landlord didn't know that. He's a good dog....smomeday I'll find out what he's good for.

Chaz

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 May 03 - 05:54 AM

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel, explaining their needs to the Manager,who assured them he had just the dog for them.

The dog was produced and the manager said "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23." The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage,and pointed to it with his paw.

Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of church members came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed.

Finally, one man asked "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!"

The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl.

The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Sweet Jesus!!! We've bought a Pentecostal dog!

Spaw

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: GUEST,M'Grath of Altcar
Date: 01 May 03 - 03:28 PM

Here's my Granddad's Waterloo cup / Hare coursing Joke.

Two Irishmen came to Altcar to watch the Waterloo cup. They stood on the public bank and the beaters encouraged a single, strong hare on to the course. Old puss passed the slipper, was given fair law, and the dogs were slipped and they accelerated towards the hare

The hare turned just once then unexpectedly stopped in the middle of the course. The poor thing then keeled over and lay motionless on the ground. The two greyhounds stopped, looked at each other rather puzzled, and sniffed each others bums.

One of the aforementioned Irish gentlemen ran on to the course towards the hare. He crouched over it, lifted its head gently, and from a small bottle poured a small amount of an odourless green liquid into his mouth.

Immediately the hare was invigorated and restored! He jumped up and was off again at an even greater pace than before. Despite being given sherry, eggs AND baked beans before the race, his two pursuers stood no chance this time. In fact the distance between the pursued and the pursuer increased with every stride. The hare was actually able to turn his head and WAVE at the greyhounds behind him, while loosing them completely.

The Irishmen walked off the course and back to the public bank and his freind was, of course, astonished.

"That was amazing," he said; "what exactly did you give to those dogs?."

He replied, "Hair restorer with a permanent wave."

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Ely
Date: 01 May 03 - 04:50 PM

I work for a vet and most of our business consists of "suburban" breeds--miniature schnauzers, Pomeranians, dachshunds, small herds of Chihuahuas, etc. However, no place in Texas is ever thoroghly civilized and we do see a fair number of farm and hunting dogs. One day our surgery roster consisted of one Weimaraner, one dachshund, one beagle, a blue-tick cross, a Walker, and two Catahoulas. Weimaraners aren't hounds but they're noisy and once she got going, everybody else had to join in. We turned out all the lights in the kennels hoping they would fall asleep but it didn't help. The people from the insurance company next door kept calling to complain about the baying. I think our poor surgeon completed two neuters and five spays in record time so we could get get all those dogs out of there.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Charley Noble
Date: 01 May 03 - 05:49 PM

Thgis is one of my brother's favorite stories:

So this stranger walks into the tavern with this really ugly looking flat yellar dog and he says, "My dog can whup any dog in town and I'll match any bet two to one!" Well, it wasn't long before someone showed up with a mangy German Shepard mutt and the flat yellar dog made mincemeat out of him with one snap. Next was some kind of bulldog/dalmatian cross and the flat yellar dog soon made shoestrings of him. The last to be dragged in was a massive Rottwiller/Doberman who managed to flee the scene on his two remaining legs. "Say, stranger" asked the bartender when things had settled down again, "would you mind telling us what kind of dog you got there?" "Well," replied the stranger, "before I cut his tail off and painted him yellar I suppose you would have called him an alligator."

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Padre
Date: 01 May 03 - 07:54 PM

What is a Kentucky Breakfast?

A 2 lb T-bone steak
A quart of Sour Mash
A hounddog

You throw the steak to the dog and drink the bourbon.

Padre

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 May 03 - 08:00 AM

Refresh!

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Deni-C
Date: 03 May 03 - 10:13 AM

brilliant!

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 May 03 - 10:56 AM

It may be too late to curtail this thread!

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: kendall
Date: 03 May 03 - 05:56 PM

Two rednecks sitting on the porch. One says, "See that dog of mine? He's the best pointer in Arkansas. He can point a quail a mile away."
His pal says "Sure, I've heard that before."
Dog owner says, "I'll bet $50.00 he can."
About that time, a boy walked by, and the dog went on point. Owner says, "What the hell..." his pal is laughing, says, "That fool dog don't even recognized a boy, how the hell is he going to point quail?"
Owner calls to the boy, "Son, you got a quail in your pocket"?
Boy says "No, why?"
Owner says "You been near a quail in the last month"?
Boy says "No." his pal is laughing harder, finally the dog owner gives up and says, "What's your name, son"
the boy says





"Bob White."

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Gareth
Date: 03 May 03 - 07:19 PM

True Story !!

Some years ago, when Guto the Welsh Terrier was a Puppy, I wisited my aged parents in South Wales one Xmas.

Now at that time they lived in an old house with the "facilities" out the back.

A few beers at lunchtime and it was time to visit the out house.

Guto followed me out. He was used to objects being dangled for him to bite.

There I am pointing the usual member at the porcelain.

Guto thinks it a new toy. Up and Bite

Ooooooooooooh !

Gareth

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 May 03 - 03:11 AM

Ole boy stopped in th' feedstore 'n seen a sign said, "Hound Dog Fer Sale - Cheap". So he gets the feller's name 'n address off the sign 'n goes 'n pays 'im a visit. He drives up t' th' house 'n there's th' feller sittin' rockin' on th' front porch 'n a ole hound dog sprawled out on th' stairstep. Ole boy gits outta th' truck 'n asks, "You th' feller wi' th' dog fer sale?"
"Yup."
"'At him."
"Yup."
So th' ole boy leans over 'n picks up a stick off th' ground 'n throws it t' th' ole hound 'n sez, "Fetch!" Ole dog gits up 'n falls down th' stairs. So th' ole boy picks up th' stick agin 'n throws it out into th' yard 'n says, "Fetch!" Ole dog starts moseyin' after the stick 'n runs into a tree. Ole boy looks at th' feller sellin' th' dog 'n says, "Mister, I think yer tryin' t' sell me a blind dog!" Other feller says, "Naw, he ain't blind. He kin see as good as you er me. He jus' don't give a damn!"

Bruce

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: gnu
Date: 04 May 03 - 05:07 AM

Just saw this thread, don't know how I missed it. Jeep Man... them's jokes, not songs. I'll type them up and post them later today if I get a chance. Right now I'm in a deep fog and need at least five cups of tea before I can negotiate my way to the marshalling point for our first expedition into a new area of backwoods on the bikes.

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: GUEST,L.J.
Date: 04 May 03 - 06:42 PM

Bob and Ted are walking with their dogs down the street. It's hot day, and Bob suggests they enter a nearby bar for a drink. Ted protests, saying, "They won't let us in with our dogs". Bob says, "Oh yes they will: watch me". - He puts on some dark sunglasses, and takes his dog up to the bar, ordering a drink without a problem. Ted thinks, 'Great!- I can do that!" He puts on dark suglasses , walks up to the bar with his dog and orders a drink also. The bartender says, "Sorry, mister. We don't allow dogs in here".
-"But it's a seeing eye dog!", replies Ted.
"A chihuahua is a seeing-eye dog?!"
"They gave me a chihuahua?!"

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: GUEST,Yorkshire Tony minus cookie
Date: 04 May 03 - 07:22 PM

There's an Australian version of the alligator joke posted earlier, which I offer for completeness.

Old shearer wandres up to the pub with his dog: the biggest ugliest yellow brute you ever saw, almost the size of a small pony. Orders a beer and sits himself down. Locals look at dog.

Say that's a big ugly looking dog you got there.

Yup.

Is he a fighter?

Yup.

5 pounds says Bluey's dog can beat him.

You're on.

So they go round the back, get Bluey and his dog - a pit bull with muscles like iron cables. Set them at each other. The pit bull goes for the throat and the death grip. The big yella dawg bats him away with a front paw sending him flying 20 yards into the pub wall and removing one side of his face. Old shearer collects his money and goes back to his beer.

Locals go into a huddle and send for the local champ - a massive thing part rottweiler, part elkhound, part something else. Bets are laid and the dogs set to. This one give the big yella dawg a bit more trouble, actually manages to get a grip but one rake with the rear claws has it disembowled and coughing its last in the dirt.

The joke usually goes on for a while but I'll cut it short.

Local: 'Jeez that dog can fight but it sure is an ugly looking brute'.

Shearer: 'You think he's ugly now? You should have seen him before I shore his mane!"

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: Gareth
Date: 04 May 03 - 07:32 PM

Yorkshire T

There is the also the South African (Van de Meuve) version of that, just change the accent !!!!

Gareth

Subject: RE: HOUND DOG JOKES AND TALES
From: gnu
Date: 05 May 03 - 06:23 AM

Condensed versions... add your own embellishments.

The old fellah points to a spruce copse and the world's best bird dog runs in, comes out a couple of minutes later and makes three paw marks in the dirt to indicate three spruce partridge. The disbelieving sport is offered the shotgun to go in and check and, sure enough, there are three spruce.

Down the road, the dog is motioned into a big pine thicket and, upon his return, he barks five times to indicate five birch partridge. Not only can he count, but he can discern types of partridge ? When the sport goes in, he routs five birch.

They get to an alder swale edged with apple trees. When the dog returns after about ten minutes, he's frothing at the mouth, breathing heavily and begins to rip and tear at an alder branch, shaking it visciously. Old fellah says, "There's more birds in there than you can shake a stick at."


When the sport is about to shoot a treed racoon, the old fellah says not to waste ammo and shakes the coon from the tree, whereupon Old Blue tears into the coon and devours it. Next one has to be prodded from the tree with a stick and Old Blue does it in with two bites of his powerful jaws. The next coon has such a hold that the old fellah has to climb right out on the branch with the coon. The branch breaks and the old fellah yells, "Shoot Old Bluuuuue !"