Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune

Subject: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tunes
From:
Date: 29 Jun 98 - 12:15 AM

Anyone got any dirty or rude verses or parodies to any well known or not-so-well known folk tunes?

If so, please send it to my E-mail address below:

[e-mail]

Thank you so much.

Regards

Brad3555

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Susan of DT
Date: 29 Jun 98 - 05:03 PM

search for @bawdy

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,Marcel
Date: 16 Dec 08 - 07:39 PM

Heard a parody in Liverpool UK on "Deck the Halls" that went;

"Check the balls on that big Collie"

This was many years ago. Anyone got the rest of it?

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Dec 08 - 09:28 PM

Brad:

Your email address as given was rejected as undeliverable.

"Manly Man Matty Groves" by Leslie Fish, in _The Incomplete Leslie Fish_ (Rune Press, 2001), satisfies your requirement. I have posted a few stanzas on another thread. If you want the whole thing, and cannot get at the book, I can copy it out for you.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 16 Dec 08 - 10:21 PM

The version I heard of check the balls was from Chicago singer Marty Pfeifer (not sure of the spelling, sorry). But it ran "check the balls on that big collie, etc/he gets big when he gets jolly." He also sang "Christians roasting on an open fire/lions nipping at their toes/Little children with hot coals in their eyes/will find it hard to sleep tonight." Definitely not pc. There were others as well. Art Thieme may be aware of more.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Acorn4
Date: 17 Dec 08 - 04:40 AM

Polly (to tune of Polly Vaughan)

Come all you young fellows,
Who like to play with a gun,
Don't get trigger happy,
By the light of the moon.

Young Willy went a fowling,
After a skinful of beer
When he shot into some bushes
Thinking a swan was in there

He swore he'd seen a flash of white,
And a rustling he heard,
And he gave it both barrels,
Thinking to bag that bird.

You should have heard the language,
So blue it turned the air,
As out shot his darling Polly,
Clutching her derriere

Oh, Willy, you stupid Plonker,
See what you have done,
And look where you have shot me
Do I look like a bleeding swan.

I was answering a call of nature,
My business was complete,
I bent down to pull up my knickers,
And you got me in both cheeks.

Oh, Polly, dearest Polly,
It's oh so easily
Mistake your bumcheeks in the moonlight
A swan's wings for to be.

Oh, you stupid Wally, Willy
Get thee now hence with great speed
An appointment with specsavers,
For new glasses you surely need,

Swans don't lurk around in bushes,
But swan around majestically
Trying to scrounge your sandwiches
That's more of a swan thing, you see

The number of times I've told you,
That gun would bring us grief pain,
You could have taken up the melodeon,
Or danced with the Morris team.

Just wait until I get you home,
Your voice will surely be,
A full two octaves higher,
When I am done with thee.

Once we were to be married,
But how can we do it with style
With a backside full of pellets
Walking down the aisle

Sadly I must stay at home,
Because of you, you stupid berk,
With some tweezers and a mirror,
Undoing your handiwork.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 17 Dec 08 - 05:01 AM

While shepherds bashed their cocks by night
No women there to grind -
An angel of the lord came down
And said "You'll all go blind !".

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Acorn4
Date: 17 Dec 08 - 05:58 AM

and also:-

The Barmaid

(to tune of "bushes and briars")

Through pissheads and through bikers
I had to fight my way,
All for some cheese and onion crisps
and a pint of IPA.

I spoke unto the barmaid,
But me she did not hear
And it's long time I've been waiting for
The coming of my beer.

Either I'm invisible
Or she's completely blind,
Though I wave around my ten quid note,
She serves the bloke behind.

Still I try to catch her eye,
But still she looks away,
If I show to her some rudeness
She won't serve me again.

Rept verse 1

Dave Taylor, 2006

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Dec 08 - 08:14 PM

Bryn Pugh: W. H. Auden recollected from his childhood:

While shepherds watched their flocks by night,
All shitting on the ground,
An angel of the Lord came down
And handed paper round.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,blaize figgle
Date: 11 Dec 10 - 10:45 AM

chinky chinky china man brought a little shop and all he sold was peppermint rock he peed in a bottle and called it pop chinky chinky china man brought a little shop.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Dec 10 - 06:24 PM

And, oh yes, also appropriate to the season:

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree,
Oh, piss on thee,
O Christmas tree.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Aug 11 - 03:59 PM

This is to the tune of 10 in the bed :
there were ten in the bed and the prostitute said I want fucked,I want fucked

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: JohnB
Date: 22 Aug 11 - 05:42 PM

For the Childrens programme Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men I wrote this lyric, many years ago.
Was it Bill or was it Ben,
Fucked the Little Weed just then.
Which of those two Flowerpot Men?
Randy Bill or Shag Bag Ben!
Did you see which one screwed Little Weed children?
JohnB.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 23 Aug 11 - 08:25 AM

I remember it as:

Was it Bill or was it Ben,
Put weed in the club again?
Which of those two Flowerpot Men?
Was it Bill, or was it Ben?

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,Erin h
Date: 01 Apr 12 - 05:23 PM

for the pc plum tune from balamory

I'm pc plum and i'll tel you who i am
i a policeman and i'll fiddle with your bum
with my magnifying glass i'll shove 12 inches up ur ass
and give you time to shout aaiieee before i cum

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 01 Apr 12 - 07:50 PM

I've always thought this was a better chorus for All the Good People:

This is a song for all the good people,
All the good people who fucked up my life....

I just heard it sung too many times. I'm putting a clause in my will that at my memorial these songs shall not be sung:

All the good people
Amazing Grace
Kumbayah

Everything else is fine.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: kendall
Date: 02 Apr 12 - 03:03 PM

There once was an Indian maid
Who said she wasn't afraid
To lay on her back
In an Indian's shack
And let a cowboy stick it in her crack
But to her great surprise
Her belly began to rise
And out of her*&^%*
Jumped a one eyed runt
With his ass between his eyes.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Apr 12 - 10:12 AM

A-Levels from Scarborough (otherwise Michael Chapman's "Postcards of Scarborough") from around 1971 when Prince Charles joined the Navy

If you're fourteen to twenty-and-a-half then the Navy is for you
When you go down to Dartmouth all your dreams will come true
So different from when you're home in Hartlepool
And if you've got two A-levels then an officer you'll be
You can sit down in your uniform and get waited on at tea
So different from when you're home in Hartlepool

I got two A-levels from Scarborough at the Technical College
Distinction in Woodwork and scraped Religious Knowledge
So different from the thickoes in the audience
And guess who sleeps in the next room and after lights are out
He comes into my room and he lets it all hang out
Charles the future king of England

But me dad was so tastless, his breath was so stale
I've left him in the gutter with his accent and his ale

After twelve months at Dartmouth they will put you on a boat
And for one whole year they will teach you how to float
It's a nice boat, not like those boats at South Shields
Those horrible common mucky boats at South Shields

The lords and ladies came to watch me shake the Admiral's hand
Even Charlies's mum was there, so regal and so grand
Prince Philip so immaculately tasteful [belch !]

But me dad was so tastless, his breath was so stale
The bugger only got there cos they let him out of jail
So different from the parents of my room-mate
Charles the future king of England

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,TooOldToRemember
Date: 14 Jun 12 - 04:00 PM

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cubboard
To get her poor doggie a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover drover her
To prove he had a bone of his own.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,TooOldToRemember
Date: 14 Jun 12 - 04:03 PM

Oops. Typo. Should have been 'drove', not 'drover'.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Genie
Date: 14 Jun 12 - 04:36 PM

We once had a thread about farting songs, and this was posted there. (Not sure the words to the last verse are exactly the same.)


I let a fart in San Francisco
High on a hill above the sea.
It cleared out little cable cars
And several local bars.
The morning fog did not smell fair -
I don't care.

My love faints there in San Francisco
Since I broke wind beside the sea.
I can't come home to you, San Francisco.
Your scolding sons will sh*t on me.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Jun 12 - 10:12 PM

Genie, that San Francisco parody was great. Anybody recall this lightly bawdy verse to the Colonel Bogey March? I only recall the first lines.

"Horseshit.
It makes the grass grow tall..."

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Genie
Date: 15 Jun 12 - 03:11 AM

Thanks, GUEST.

DK the Colonel Bogey parody, but that's a helluva start! LOL

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 15 Jun 12 - 03:21 AM

The great Colonel Bogey one-

Hitler has only got one ball,

Kruschev has two but very small,

Himmler has something similar,

But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,Don Wise
Date: 15 Jun 12 - 04:36 AM

"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get the postman a letter.
When she got there the cupboard was bare
So they did it without,it was better"

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 15 Jun 12 - 10:40 AM

My version of the The Marvelous Toy

When i was just a wee little lad
Full of health and joy
My Grandad homeward cam one night
And he brought me a toy
It was a lovely sight to see
All pretty colours bright
I only started to have me doubts
When he pulled off Grandma's tights
And she went Ooooh! when it moved
And Oooooooooh! when it stopped
And Ooooooooooooooh! when it stood still
It was a rubber penis on a Black and Decker Drill!

My version of Loves been good to me

I've been unsuccessful, trying to pull birds
And its my conclusion, most of them is turds
Still in all I'm happy
Cos I'm glad to say
Once in a while
A long long while
I had me end away!

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,jabberwock
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 03:57 PM

Here's to the wound that never heals,
the more you rub,
the better it feels!
All the soap,
this side of hell;
could ever get rid of that codfish smell!

There was once a man from Nantucket,
with a cock so long,
he could suck it;
One day with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
he said;"If my ear was a cu**, I would fuck it"!

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 02:08 PM

How can you have a parody of a "tune"?

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Snuffy
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 03:36 AM

How can you have a parody of a "tune"?

Les Dawson managed it pretty well!!

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Will Fly
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 04:51 AM

I'm doing a series of Christmas "ladies lunch club" lunch entertainments at the moment at a hotel in Eastbourne (UK) with my old mate Alan Day. At the end of the lunch, we do the "Twelve Days Of Christmas" - getting every table of ladies to sing a line at the appropriate time.

I'm having a hell of a job doing this because the words of a particularly filthy version of this (from army days) keep popping into my head, and I have to keep a tight reign on my voice while doing it. The version I don't want to sing goes:

Twelve twats a-twitching
Eleven lechers letching
Ten tits a-trembling
Nine nackers knocking
Eight arseholes aching
Seven saints a-shagging
Six pricks a-prodding
Five brown rings
Four shithouse doors
Three French letters
Two pairs of drawers...
And a penis in a pear tree.

There! That's done with - now, perhaps I can get on with the clean version!

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Snuffy
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 12:18 PM

The version I (nearly) recall from Army days in the 60s goes

On the twelfth day of Christmas I took to bed with me
Twelve tail-less tomcats (tailors' tomcats?)
Eleven luscious lesbians
Ten torn-off testicles
Nine gnawn-off nipples
Eight useless eunuchs
Seven ????
Six pure-white virgins
Five choir boys (always sung falsetto)
Four shithouse doors
Three poxy whores
Two Girl Guides
And my Lord Montagu of Beaulieu.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Dec 15 - 05:44 PM

Likewise at St Andrews University in 1959:

Twelve twitching twats,
Eleven lecherous lesbians,
Ten torn-off testes,
Nine gnawed-off nipples,
Eight aching arseholes,
Seven sex-starved spinsters,
Six convicted vicars,
Five choir boys,
Four Boy Scouts,
Three dirty whores,
Two shithouse doors,
And my Lord Montague of Beaulieu.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Snuffy
Date: 06 Dec 15 - 04:39 AM

Thanks Joe - my memory's not what it was. "7 sex-starved spinsters" was indeed the line.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 06 Dec 15 - 11:59 PM

OK...you asked...

'Good Vibrations' chorus (Beach Boys)

I'm pickin' up a new vibrator,
You can have my old potator..(potato)

All My Lovin' (Beatles)

Close your eyes
Spread your legs
And I'll fertilize your eggs
And won't get off til I'm though,
And in while I'm away,
I'll beat off every day,
And send all my drippings to you.

'When the Musics Over' (Doors)

Your pubic odor
Turned off my lights
Knocked off my lights
And blurred my sight

'Wind Beneath My Wings' (Bette Midler)
(Final refrain)

You are the wind between my cheeks

Yikes! I gotta get out of here....see ya'!!

GfS

P.S. Hope that's crude enough for ya'!!

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Tootler
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 05:09 AM

I don't know if this one's been posted before but is particularly filthy

Arseholes are cheap today
Cheaper than yesterday
Little ones are half a crown
Standing up or lying down
Bigger ones are two and six
And you can feel their dicks.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: BrooklynJay
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 11:21 AM

Here's one I remember from over 40 years ago. I wonder if any young 'uns nowadays know what Spanish Fly is/was?

Anyway, this is to the tune of The Blue-Tail Fly:

When I was young, I used to wait
On Master while he'd masturbate
And pass the towel so he'd get dry
'Cause he took lots of Spanish Fly

Refrain:
Jimmy jacked off, and I don't care
Jimmy jacked off, and I don't care
Jimmy jacked off, and I don't care
The bastard's gone away

He screwed the animals on the farm
He thought it wouldn't do no harm
Then his hand went creeping up my thigh
He blamed it on the Spanish Fly

(Refrain)

The pony felt the Master's itch
He buggered him like a sonofabitch
So, he kicked my Master in the fly
And said, "Next time. . . .use K-Y"

(Refrain)

They laid him under the persimmon tree
Like he laid everything else, you see
Oh, you might go blind, or worse, you'll die
So, keep away from Spanish Fly

(Refrain)


It may have originally been somewhat more graphic, but this is pretty much what I remember hearing.


Jay

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,HuwG at work
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 12:39 PM

Dedicated to Stephen Gough, the "Naked Rambler":

On the day I was to be married
I went for a ramble instead
I'd rather expose it on Kinder
Than hide inside her in bed

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 07 Dec 15 - 09:59 PM

It's not a folk song, but:

The balls of O'Leary were massive and hairy,
and the tip of his penis was like the dome of Saint Paul's,
and great crowds would muster to view his giant cluster,
and they'd stand and stare at the bloody great pair of O'Leary's balls.

To be sung with great gusto.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 15 - 08:34 PM

The bishop elect of Hong Kong
Had a dong that was nine inches long.
    He thought the spectators
    Were admiring his gaiters
When he went to the gents. He was wrong.    -- W. H. Auden

May be sung to any of the tunes limericks are sung to.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Mingulay
Date: 09 Dec 15 - 11:40 AM

British Grenadiers

Some die of drinking water and some of drnking beer,
Some die of constipation and some of diorrehea,
But of all the world's diseases there's none that can compare,
To the drip, drip. drip of a syphillictic prick and they call it gonorhhea.

I like the girls who say they do and the girls who say they don't,
I like the girls who say they will and the girls who say they won't,
But of all the girls I like the best I may be wrong or right,
Are the girls who say they never will but look as though they might.


Rule Brittania

Rule the tanner two tanners make a bob,
King George never, never ever shaved his knob.

Tune name unknown

The sexual life of the camel is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season he tries to bugger the Sphinx,
But the Sphinx's anular sphinctus is filled with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Snuffy
Date: 09 Dec 15 - 02:02 PM

Tune name unknown = Eton Boating Song

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,michael dillon
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 09:44 AM

demented lyrics or limericks were like gold to me as a young entertainer doing jewish resorts in the 50's and 60's there once was a man named fly who made laugh so hard i would cry i have never heard his songs sung but he should be hung on the wall of people most wanted   i write in french for 3 years english and spanish since the 60's piano trumpet ballet voice guitar banjo mandolin ukele drums in that order i have become the white satchmo the dirtiest of dirty dancers and the next pavarotti or eric clapton but i love to write lyrics at tremolo guitar shop vintage guitars in kalamazoo and victor borge is my hero

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST,db
Date: 08 Aug 20 - 03:27 PM

Some good old favourites from my childhood here.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Aug 20 - 06:18 PM

Not dirty, but rather rude tho altogether sensible (Punch, 1959, I think):

Fool, Britannia! It never got you much.
Learn to dwi-i-i-i-indle like the Dutch.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Greum
Date: 09 Aug 20 - 06:41 AM

Can you even get parodies or rude versions of a tune?

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Aug 20 - 01:41 PM

Well... The Star Spangled Banner tune is mangled regularly....on TV...

I know VERY few rude parodies that are actually clever, funny and entertaining. Most of the examples above are not.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Aug 20 - 05:48 PM

O say, can you see
Any bedbugs on me?
If you'll please pick a few,
I will fry them for you.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Aug 20 - 08:14 PM

...I remember the last line as

"I got them from you."

but most kids chants have variations.

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Aug 20 - 09:49 PM

Alternate verse to Mary Ellen Carter:

She went down on Bill Clinton
In the east wing oval office
All evening he'd been hoping
to have a little fun

And the groan he gave as she went down
Cause him to proclaim
She made old Slick Willie rise again!

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Aug 20 - 03:00 PM

Subject: RE: Dirty/rude verses or parodies of tune
From: Bill D - PM
Date: 09 Aug 20 - 01:41 PM

Well... The Star Spangled Banner tune is mangled regularly....on TV...

Are you referring to that venerable drinking song: "To Anacreon in Heaven"?