BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist

Subject: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 04 Mar 03 - 03:04 PM

Just a joke I heard on a Prairie Home Companion rerun.

Did you hear about the dyslexic blues guitarist.

He went out to the crossroads at midnight and sold his soul to Santa.

Roger in Baltimore

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: alanabit
Date: 04 Mar 03 - 03:31 PM

Just hope he never went to Las Vegas hoping for some fast luck...

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 03 - 05:20 PM

ANd he woke up this morning with an awful baking bed?

A

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Bobert
Date: 04 Mar 03 - 06:42 PM

I don't get it...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 03 - 09:53 PM

"Woke up this morning with an awful achin head" is the first line of Bessie's "Empty Bed Blues" , Bobert.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Mar 03 - 11:23 PM

Dyslexics, Untie!

(from the dyslexic SRS)

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 03:23 AM

The blues musician walks into the bra...


and nothing to do with dyslexia...
~~BLUES RULES:~~

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.

10A. Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed

10B. Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump Plaza

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.

12B. No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be satisfied.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.

14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.

Other blues ways to die include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16A. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...]

SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS !

Peace. Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 04:57 AM

'Dysfunctional Gooseberry Bush'?

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: HuwG
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 09:18 AM

Rustic Rebel, as a footnote to Rules 16A and 16B, here is an earlier thread, Your Blues Name, which allows any aspiring performer to generate their unique blues handle. Of course, not everyone need apply (see Rules 1-15).

Also, check out Viv Stanshull's "Blue Men can't sing the Whites".

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 04:19 PM

"They was liposucking Bessie
When I got that cell phone call
An' my attorney went an tol' me
My golden parachute's in free fall."

No, I haven't written any more of it. Feel free to continue it.

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: michaelr
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 10:38 PM

And then there was the dyslexic cop who spent Saturday night giving out IUDs...

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Bobert
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 10:57 PM

Amos:

Can I get another hint?

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 03 - 10:51 AM

Bobert:

I'm sorry -- maybe your confusion is contagious. What is it you don't get, exactly?

A

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: ced2
Date: 06 Mar 03 - 02:00 PM

Then there were the two dyslecix noviciates in the convent who sat up all night discussing the nature of dog and the meaning of file!

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 03 - 02:27 PM

Dyslexic agnostic insomniacs? How aromantic!

A

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Mar 03 - 03:37 PM

To a dyslexic, this thread probably doesn't make much sense!

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: ced2
Date: 07 Mar 03 - 03:43 PM

K.O. ffun dias

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: HuwG
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 11:32 AM

Apparently, the dyslexic musician died after choking on his own Vimto.




This may be a UK joke only; Vimto is a fizzy fruit-flavoured drink.

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: MarkS
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 09:14 PM

What exactly is lisdexia?

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 09:36 PM

MarkS:

Wish I could help you here but Amos won't explanerate the question to me so that I can figgure out if it's somethin' that maybe Iz can have some input on 'er what.

Yeah, I play blues and Iz got the stuff, you know, the "D" word. Back when I was like 13 years old I got my butt sent to the "City of LOVe" (ahhh, Philly...) and went thru about 3 or 2 days of testin' and they said I had "cross dominance" and that's why I could read 'er write like other kids.

Ahhhh, did you know that blues is 95% about "women" and "other natural disasters"?

Bret you didn't...

Ahhh, so like it's a reading thing. The eye goes into this *counter-clockwise" spiral and lots of words don't get seen or read. The more one tries to read, the worser it gets. Then, without actually placing a card over the lines above and below what one is trying to read, it becomes impossible to read it at all...

Yeah, that's purdy much it.

Woke up this mornin'
Couldn't read a line

Yeah, woke up this mornin'
Couldn't read a line

Knew by that, Lord
Somthing wrong with this ol' mind

Bobert

p.s. I tried the best I could to proof read this post but.....

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Rolfyboy6
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 09:53 PM

It should be noted that Bobert is an actual dyslexic and that Rustic Rebels' attempt at blues humor has a beard on it it's so old and unknowledgable.

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Suffet
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 11:11 PM

Bumper sticker: ELINIMATE DYSLEXIA

Beginning of a joke: A dyslexic walks into a bra...

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 11:54 PM

Rolfyboy-One person's sickness is another person's humor. Now I would like to say that was a creation of my own, but alas, Not a joke maker am I, but a mere joke repeater.
Peace. Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 05:35 AM

Didn't he wear Levis all the time, in memory of a certain Mr Presley?
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: The dyslexic blues guitarist
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 05:48 AM

DNA= National Dyslexia Association.