10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.

Subject: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: X
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 02:06 PM

Ten Easy Steps To Better Banjo Playing.
The Doc Stock Banjo Method
(Or: Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo, So Why Not You Too?)
by Jim Rosenstock

Lesson 1: beat it!
The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated "h" in tablature), the harder hit ("H") and the beat ("B"). Learn these licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything! Remember - Hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER!

Lesson 2: Stage Presence:
A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs - you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo:
Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo: 1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone. 2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with method (1). 3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above. Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music: the G tune, the A tune, the D tune and the C tune. It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper. AVOID ALL TABLATURE - you will get nowhere as a banjo player by imitating musicians.

Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret (TM), pizza, strawberry pie and banjo playing Just say,
"Why not?"

Lesson 6: Playing with musicians:
Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player of two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming.

Lesson 7: Banjo paraphernalia:
A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key. A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers? A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which is responsible for the odor. Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys first.

Lesson 8: Name that tune:
As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9: Three myths dispelled:
Myth No. 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.
Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work.

Myth No. 2: You can make good money playing the banjo.
Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.

Myth No. 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.

Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune

----H----B---h---B----------H-------B----B------
--h---H---B---------B--------H---H---B-H--B-----
---------B------h-----B------H-----B---------B--
-----------h---------------h-----------------h--
------------------------------------------------B

h=hit it! H=hit it

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 04:24 PM

Great these rules also apply to the Irish Tenor Banjo

Gerry (roflmao)

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: DonMeixner
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 05:18 PM

And the Tiple! Too!

Don

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: Jimmy C
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 05:24 PM

I've got the second rule down to a tee.

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 05:38 PM

Banjo players are still sexier than guitarists.

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: Peter T.
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 05:43 PM

Yawn. Beating up on banjos is so yesterday. Can you give us real tips? yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: Larkin
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 05:52 PM

Fantastic Banjoest, you really made me laugh.

What's so great about banjo players is the fact that not only does everyone rip the piss out of them but they are just as quick to have a go at themselves.

is that a good sense of humour or a lack of understanding?

Martin

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 06:11 PM

Dang, Banjoest, I was hoping for Serious Instruction on Banjo, but perhaps that is an oxymoronic fantasy, eh?

A

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: Banjer
Date: 05 Mar 03 - 08:05 PM

Thank you, Banjoest, I find where I have gone astray in many areas. You have set me straight!!

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: GUEST,banjoman
Date: 06 Mar 03 - 06:02 AM

You really are out of your depth with this one. There is nothing new in this lot except that you have obviously changed "Melodeon Player" to "BanjoPlayer" etc.
Incidentally - the difference between a melodeon player and a foot spa is that a foot spar bucks up the feet.
I could add a few more instructions

1. Playing very loud allows you to attempt difficult tunes

2. Alcohol taken before playing allows you to attempt even more difficult tunes.

can you give the collective noun for a group of melodeon players?

suggestions welcome

Subject: RE: 10 Easy steps to better banjo playing.
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 06 Mar 03 - 07:50 AM

Step 1 - Don't start, Steps 2-10 - see Step 1