Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?

Subject: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: wilco
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 09:21 AM

I know I spend too much time fooloing around with my banjo. My wife used to complain about the three of us in bed together, but that's not a problem since she left. When I leave it at home, it's like a spoiled puppy; begging for attention the minute I walk in the door. Course, this isn't as big a problem as it was, since my employer told me that i had to choose between my banjo and my job. Hey, who needs to eat anyway. Sometimes, my banjo looks at me very oddly. How do I get control of this mean-spirited five-string demon??
   The Earl Scruggs manuel reccomends the following: locking it in a closet with an accordian and some bagpipes. But, THAT IS TOO CRUEL!!!

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 10:13 AM

Wilco-

All too sad! There's a word of advice I've been meaning to pass on for a long time. It's attributed to S. S. Stewart, that fabled Philadelphia banjo maker of the late 19th century, and has little to do with your plight but this is such fine advice:

"If you must use your banjo as a snow shovel, do so; only don't wonder if it sounds dull afterwards."

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Morticia
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 10:22 AM

mmm, bell, book and sledge hammer?

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: GUEST,Russ
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 10:29 AM

Give up all thoughts of control. Submit.

What could be more important than banjo playing?

Russ (I can quit any time)

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Leadfingers
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 11:59 AM

What do you do with the other six looking at you sadly because you are playing the other one and not one of them ???

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 12:21 PM

Russ, Me too, I've done it several times.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: GUEST,Les B.
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 12:33 PM

Threaten to make a bodhran or a tambourine out of it - or if it's really intractable, just mention that it might make a dandy kitchen implement - meat tenderizer or cheese slicer !

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 12:45 PM

If you put in a flameproof replacement for the vellum, it might make a decent bedwarmer, the sort you fill with warm coals. It sounds as if you might need one of those, in the light of your altered domestic situation.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: CraigS
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 02:08 PM

If you cut all those wire things off the front, you should find it makes quite a pleasant noise if you undo the long bit and hit the white side of the round bit with it. Alternatively, you could swap it for the one I've got, which makes people want to engage me in conversation - I have to stop playing to talk. If you pay my travel expenses I will come round to your house and take it to the nearest dumpster, substituting a ukulele - that should get you on course!

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: CraigS
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 02:14 PM

The obvious other option is to send a PM to Spaw. I'm sure he'd borrow a gun and shoot it with a silver bullet if you asked him nicely!

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 03:05 PM

In the past here in Kentucky they would first hold an inquiry into the problem. Then, wearing a cone-shaped hat with demons painted on it, the banjo was taken around the county in an open cart. Finally, it was taken to a place in the center of county seat where, in a ceremony of great beauty and religious significance, it was burnt at the stake.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Dead Horse
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 05:17 AM

Take a tip from a certain Mr Hendrix. He used a can of lighter fluid and a very ordinary box of matches, both freely available from all good R & B suppliers.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: GUEST,Mr Red wearing a Bodhran hat
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 05:24 AM

Put an ad in the paper

Banjoman seeks Bodhranwench, object - mutual support and making sweet music together - send picture of bodhran hand.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 12:45 PM

Have you tried that stuff they put in convicts coffee, bromide? Remember a banjo is only a bodhran with a hard-on!! [If that doesn't work, pluck it!!]
Giok.
Detumescence rules OK

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Helen
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 07:20 PM

The Thread Name Game is happening again. Oooooohhh! Spooooky!

Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
Lyr Req: Babe, I'm leaving you

Helen

P.S. Giok, that's funny!

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Apr 03 - 11:09 AM

Wilco, my man, you are laboring under a false assumption. The lure of the banjo is not in the playing. It's in the tuning! Anybody can play a banjo! Nobody has ever been able to successfully tune a banjo! No matter how often you change strings, no matter what kind of bridge you use, no matter whether you have a $100 Dixon or a $4,000 Stelling, YOU CAN'T TUNE A BANJO!!!!

Gettiing the open strings in tune is not the problem. It's when you start mashing em' down onto those fret things that it becomes apparent that your "in-tune" banjo is far from it. It has been said that if anyone ever did manage to get a G-tuned banjo to play all possible G chord voicings in perfect tune, he will have reached banjo Nirvana and the desire to play will leave him. As far as I know, nobody has yet accomplished this feat.

Bruce

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: TIA
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 12:24 AM

Catholic World News - January 1999
VATICAN RELEASES NEW RITE FOR EXORCISM
VATICAN (CWNews.com) -- The Banjo exists. That unpopular reality is brought into sharp focus by the promulgation of a new rite of exorcism.

De Exorcismus et supplicationibus quibusdam, approved by Pope John Paul II on October 1, 1998, was formally released by the Vatican on January 26. The document sets out a new and precise liturgical form for the rite of exorcism. The 84-page form, introduced by the Congregation Divine Worship, was published entirely in Latin; the episcopal conferences of different nations may now prepare their own versions in the vernacular languages.

This new Vatican document clearly recognizes both the existence of the Banjo and the reality of 5-string possession. In a short introduction, the document calls attention to the existence of both "cacaphonic creatures" and others "called banjos, who are opposed to musicality." Since the influence of the banjo can become apparent in people, places, or things, the document continues, the Church "has prayed, and continues to pray, that men will be freed from the snares of the Banjo."

The new rite confirms "the victory of Music and the power of the Church over the banjoids." It points to the rites in the Musical tradition: the "minor exorcism" of catechumens prior to their baptism and the major exorcisms conducted according to this ritual. The latter are designed to "drive out banjos, or bring freedom from banjoid influence, through the spiritual authority confided in Music."

The liturgical ritual itself is centered on supplicatory prayers, asking for God's help, and "imperative" prayers addressed directly to the Banjo, commanding him to depart. The prayers are to be said as the exorcist lays his hand on the individual, and are part of an overall ritual which includes specific blessings and sprinklings with Wild Turkey. The ritual also includes the litany of the pickers, the reading of Mel Bay, and a proclamation of faith which may be either the familiar Creed or a simple question-and-answer ("Do you renounce Banjos? I do."). The ritual concludes with the kissing of the pipes, and the final prayer, proclaiming the triumph of Music.

The new ritual for exorcism replaces one which was promulgated as part of the Roman Ritual of 1614. The Second Vatican Council called for the revision of that Ritual, which has been accomplished in stages during the past 30 years; the rite of exorcism was the last of the new rituals to be introduced.

In introducing the new document to reporters in Rome, Cardinal Jorge "Billy Ray Bob" Arturo Medina Estevez, the prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, said that the rite has not been greatly changed from the earlier ritual. He added that while there are "very few cases" in which the rite is used, the rite of exorcism-- which can only be used under the guidance of the local barber, and with the consent of the person suffering diabolical banjoid possession-- remains necessary because the Banjo is a reality. He cautioned that while many people today no longer profess belief in the Banjo, that belief "is not a matter of opinion which one can accept or reject; it is an element of faith and Musical doctrine."

NCCB - Newsletter, Committee on the Liturgy
                (Volume XXXV, Jan. - Feb. 1999)

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Kaleea
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 02:22 AM

Dear Wilco,
    So sorry to hear about the evil posession troubles you're having with your poor banjo. I had a similar problem with my Bodhran. Golly, I spent a bundle of dough re mi on the thing! Hey, it's a tunable! I even went to a Bodhran workshop & have been recognized as a rather enthusiastic Bodhranist at more than one session! Sometimes I would actually choose to play Bodhran over my Feadogs! (see penny whistle threads for medical descriptions of WhOA, or whistle aquisition disorder) Till one day, it was becoming rather scary. I actually tipped that drum regularly & fondly. Finally I realized that the acusations of posession of the poor drum by evil creatures was a possibility. I tried the Vatican thing, but, not being Catholic, it didn't work. So, since I am of Choctaw/Cherokee/Irish descent, I called my local Medicine Man (shaman). I took the drum to him, out in the wilds of the wild west (I do live in Kansas, you know), and he had quite a time with it. That Bodhran gave quite a fight, but, finally the Medicine Man was able to cast out most of the evil creatures. The secret, he told me, was all in the wrist, a technique quite commonly preferred by most modern Medicine Men & Women. However, every now and again, the drum does act up a bit, so I have to take it to a pow wow for a little pick-me-up. I suggest you look in the yellow pages under "professional exhorsists" or the white pages listing of your local "Medicine Men & Women's (aka Shamen's) Union."                Good Luck!   Kaleea

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: GUEST,Banjoman
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 07:19 AM

I was told some years ago when I regularly played guitar in Church, that the banjo was an instrument of the Devil (when I used it to accompany Abide with Me) and must not be played in church. I think the cleric who said this had probably had a bad banjo experience at some time. Anyway, I retorted "Why should the devil have all the good music" and continued playing.
If obsession is really a problem, I suggest group therapy (AA type) where the discordant sound of lots of banjos in different or supposed normal tuning should help. On the other hand, like me, you could decide to accept the problem and live with it until old age finally catches up with you ( about 25 if you are lucky)and restricts you playing. Your banjo will then make a fine wall mounted ornament which will enable you to relive those heady days when you hadn't a care in the world except how to safely transport your banjo from one gig to the next.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: GUEST,Russ
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 10:07 AM

TIA,
That was incredible. I rolled on the floor and howled.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: *daylia*
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 10:26 AM

Just remember to provide the demons with a new home once you've exorcised them. A set of drums - made of pigskin - would do nicely. Later, you could always sell the drums to some hard-core death-metal Satanic rockers, if you don't want them on your property.

You'd also do well to look into a new tenant for your banjo. When the demons are gone, it might just collapse if you leave it empty. Not to mention that the "VACANCY" signs will light up all over the astral plane ...

;)   daylia

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 11:20 AM

Who says you spend too much time fooling around with your banjo?

Is your house reasonably sanitary?
Is your car insured?
Are your utilities still hooked up?
Do you know where your children are?
Has the dog or cat been fed?

If so, you have met the requirements of a civilized person, and you may go ahead and fool with your banjo all you want.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 11:47 AM

It's very scary when the head starts turning round and round........

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Chip2447
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 06:21 PM

A couple of sticks of 80% dynamite ought to do the trick.

Subject: RE: Exorcisms for banjos: How to do it?
From: Morticia
Date: 07 Apr 03 - 06:26 PM

Jaysus Leeneia, I don't meet the requirements of a civilised person and I don't even play the damn banjo.....can they be negotiated? BTW, does anyone know where my kids are?