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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

GUEST,Chongo Chimp 13 Mar 15 - 10:54 PM
Rapparee 13 Mar 15 - 08:03 PM
Rapparee 13 Mar 15 - 05:20 PM
GUEST,gnu... where is my cookie? 13 Mar 15 - 03:59 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 13 Mar 15 - 12:49 PM
Acme 13 Mar 15 - 11:58 AM
Rapparee 13 Mar 15 - 08:48 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 13 Mar 15 - 06:37 AM
GUEST,Amos 13 Mar 15 - 01:18 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Mar 15 - 05:11 PM
Rapparee 12 Mar 15 - 01:52 PM
gnu 12 Mar 15 - 09:17 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 Mar 15 - 06:07 AM
Amos 11 Mar 15 - 10:02 PM
Amos 11 Mar 15 - 09:51 PM
gnu 11 Mar 15 - 07:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Mar 15 - 06:45 PM
gnu 11 Mar 15 - 05:36 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Mar 15 - 04:57 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Mar 15 - 02:04 PM
Amos 11 Mar 15 - 01:23 PM
Rapparee 11 Mar 15 - 08:02 AM
gnu 11 Mar 15 - 05:03 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Mar 15 - 12:00 AM
Acme 10 Mar 15 - 10:53 PM
Rapparee 10 Mar 15 - 08:59 PM
gnu 10 Mar 15 - 07:58 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 07:22 PM
Amos 10 Mar 15 - 06:18 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 05:31 PM
Rapparee 10 Mar 15 - 04:07 PM
Acme 10 Mar 15 - 02:25 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 01:34 PM
Amos 10 Mar 15 - 01:01 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 12:30 PM
Rapparee 10 Mar 15 - 09:50 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 06:21 AM
GUEST,Amos 10 Mar 15 - 01:13 AM
Acme 09 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM
Rapparee 09 Mar 15 - 01:06 PM
Amos 09 Mar 15 - 12:42 PM
Acme 09 Mar 15 - 11:35 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Mar 15 - 08:30 PM
Rapparee 08 Mar 15 - 08:01 PM
Rapparee 08 Mar 15 - 06:01 PM
Acme 08 Mar 15 - 05:34 PM
Rapparee 08 Mar 15 - 05:03 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Mar 15 - 11:48 AM
Rapparee 07 Mar 15 - 10:14 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Mar 15 - 07:42 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 10:54 PM

I had no idea you was that talented, Rap. Pretty good poem! It don't make much sense to throw yer guns at people when you can still throw lead with 'em, but I guess you was goin' for laughs, right? Well, like I said, pretty good...

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 08:03 PM

Old Blueberry Stone
(Apologies to Curly Fletcher)
NOTE: There ain't no chorus!

I was hangin' 'round town just a-wastin' my time,
Nothin' to spend, not even a dime
When a feller steps up and he says, "I suppose
You're a gunslingin' man by the looks of your clothes."
"You guessed me right, and a good one," I claim,
"Do you happen to have any gunslingers to tame?"
He says, "I've got one and a bad one at that;
You kin see he's a bad one cuz he wears a black hat."

I gets all excited and I ask what he pays
To gunsling for him for a couple of days.
He offers me ten, I says, "I'm your man,
For there's no gun ever made that I couldn't fan;
He says, "Get your saddle, ya big old Walloon."
We gets into his buckboard and rode to the saloon.

Well, standin' outside and him all alone,
Was an ugly old fella named Blueberry Stone.
His legs were splayed and he had pigeon toes,
Little pig eyes and a big Roman nose.
His ears were all pierced from the top to the tip,
And six forty-fives a-ridin' his hips,
He's ugly and old, and he swallers his chaw,
You can see with one eye he's a reg'lar outlaw.

Well I puts on my guns and likewise my boots,
And I says, "Hey, Blueberry, you're an ugly galoot!"
I knew him on sight, I'd dealty with him before,
I was powerful glad for my twin forty-fours,
Likewise my forty-fives, and my small twenty-two,
Three derringer guns, and my old thirty-two,
And the folks they all scattered to left and to right
Cuz no one in their right mind likes any gun fight.

He went for for his guns without even "My Lands!"
And before you could spit he had two in his hands
He hits me in hat and right near my left boot
While I was a-standin' there countin' my loot
But I slaps my leather while watchin' my step
For I'm still determined on buildin' a rep.
I puts one in his shoulder and one in the groin,
Yes, I'm slappin' leather and feelin' just fine.

Well, I dodge to the right and I dodge to the left
Cuz I don't want to leave all my kinfolk bereft.
I wheel and I turn and he does the same,
We both know the rules of the gunslingin' game
Then he runs out of guns to grab and to throw
But I've still got one and it's then that he knows
That at this gun flingin' he's sure met his match
And I throws it just like we're some kids playin' catch.

Well, I've known many gun flingers though out my life,
Some of 'em single and some with a wife,
But Blueberry Stone he was one of the best
He'd grab and he'd throw and outdo the rest,
But one thing I've learned as I've lived my long life
I can out-throw anyone with my Colt forty-five!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 05:20 PM

Back when I went to Basic Combat Training with the US Army I weighed in at 72 pounds and, at 4'8", was a puny weakling. Bigger guys were always kicking sand in my face and stealing my Coca-Cola as well as my girlfriend. Six months later, after good Army chow and training, I stood 6'2" and weighed 200 pounds, all muscle (except my brain). And the next time someone kicked sand in my face I taught him who was boss!

He was -- I'm not going to get hurt if I can avoid it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,gnu... where is my cookie?
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 03:59 PM

Best chicken stew yet. And I just made it to 174# this morning! Sigh. This is gonna be a rough Friday night. To stew or not to stew, that is the diet. Whether tis nobler to pig out or suffer the slings and arrows of the scales on the morrow... alas... I am... fuck it... I am piggin out! I'll lose the weight shovelling on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

Jaysus!!! this is tasty!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 12:49 PM

I hear one of these produces excellent made-up monkey mulch. It'll hurl hunks of pseudonymous simian further than said simian can fling feces.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 11:58 AM

Why waste it? Put pieces in your crab traps or use it for fishing bait. If you don't expect to be fishing any time soon disposal by burial in the compost also works, but shredded is better than intact.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 08:48 AM

Or grind them up and don't eat at McDonald's for a while?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 06:37 AM

I suppose disposing of a deceased simian hallucination in both the Chicago River and Lake Michigan would require at least a modicum of cutting, slicing, sawing, hacking, chopping and severing. That's definitely a good thing. But, hey, If you're going to go through all that cutting, slicing, sawing, hacking, chopping and severing, why not just cut, slice, saw, hack, chop and sever into smaller pieces, take them down to Millennium Park, and feed them to the pigeons?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 13 Mar 15 - 01:18 AM

I want to choose BOTH!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Mar 15 - 05:11 PM

Personally, I would hope the next time Chongo appears it is in an ill-fated role. Good guy, bad guy, innocent bystander, it doesn't really matter as long as someone shoots the fleabitten hallucination, ties a cinder block to its ankles, and throws it into either The Chicago River or Lake Michigan. Take your pick.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Mar 15 - 01:52 PM

One would hope that the next time "Chongo" appears s/he will have improved his/her posts, grammar, vocabulary, and intellect.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 12 Mar 15 - 09:17 AM

I have, with the aid of better weather, been able to clear ALL of the ice out of Mum's driveway as of yesterday afternoon. She's been able to walk in her driveway for two days as she doesn't go further than the sidewalk, which was heavily iced over. And, she will be able to do same for today through Saturday. Sunday? Different story. I knew it would come soon... last quarter moon tomorrow.

I like the poem, A.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Mar 15 - 06:07 AM

There's no need for FTL travel. We already have WTF travel, which is at least as fast and requires no heavy equipment. To experience WTF travel, one need only drink to the point of oblivion, whereupon one will instantaneously be transported to a totally different place where one will awaken asking, "Where the fuck am I and what the fuck am I doing here?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 10:02 PM

You may speak of the awful dark black holes in space,
And the grip of their terrible suction.
You may sing of a nova burning flesh from your face
And the Big Bang's incredible ruction.
You may swoon about starlight and flinch from the glare
You may shake at the scope of the Great Everywhere
But the one thing that surely will raise up your hair
Is the prospect of alien abduction.

For surely a real man would rather eat space
Or die in a sun's boiling suction
OR be torn inside out by the vacuum, erased
By a sun-flares amazing induction.
Oh, he'd rather be torched by a comet in passing
Or boiled by far Venus' torrid out-gassing
Than think of the fate of his poor human ass in
The event of an alien abduction.

Flash Annikin Gordon
Ditties from Betelgeuse
Drabwit and Luckluster, Luna City, 2056


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 09:51 PM

Dear Gawd, Gnuzer, what changed?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 07:33 PM

Oh, I could manage it. But, I'm a lady, I am.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 06:45 PM

If the towns of Nantucket and Pawtucket had been named something else, it would be damned near impossible to have a limerick end with "suck it" or "fuck it".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 05:36 PM

FTL travel? I could go for that. Pop over and help shovel out my utility trailer would ya? I'll pop down to the NB Liquor and grab some beers. Shouldn't take long.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 04:57 PM

I know that every now and then I gotta step in here and drop a few choice words of wisdom to keep you hapless bozos on the straight and narrow. So here I am. What I got to say is brief. Shape up! Time is wastin', see? When I come back, maybe in a few days if yer lucky, I expect to see a major improvement in yer posts, yer attitude, and yer intelligence. And no excuses!

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 02:04 PM

My needs are simple. I do not want time travel or FTL travel or a beam-me-up-Scotty transporter. I want a shrubbery.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 01:23 PM

What I want is time travel. When I want it doesn't matter.

I also want FTL travel, and I want it here and now, whichever comes first.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 08:02 AM

Tricycles, well, I left mine behind when I got a bicycle. A black one, later painted red. But sometimes I wish I'd never left the old tricycle behind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 05:03 AM

Nice ride!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 12:00 AM

On second thought, screw the pogo stick universe. I'll do the tricycle universe if I can model it on this most decidedly non-red tricycle.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 10:53 PM

BWL, I HAD A GREEN TRIKE when I was a kid. In particular, I broke my leg (falling off our back yard swingset) in second grade. Three months in a full-length leg cast and my parents wanted me to get exercise, so they bought me a big green trike. I rode that sucker everywhere. It seems to have worked - though my now-ex tells me I have a funny gait. I managed to climb mountains for several years before I moved away from the Pacific NW. And I'm working on that "funny gait" - taking belly dance classes. Boy, do those change your gait!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 08:59 PM

Amos, I disagree. Freeing the self involves totally subjugating the self to the will of another. Let me know when you want to start; in the meantime, you can make a very small beginning to free yourself by sending me all of your money and guitars. All of it and them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 07:58 PM

What do we want? CHAOS! When do we want it? Who the fuck knows?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 07:22 PM

My mileage never varies. If I drive from home to the library by my usual route, it's always 10.3 miles. If my mileage varied I might make that drive tomorrow and have it be 5.7 miles, or drive it next Tuesday and have it be 37 miles. If mileage varied, nobody'd get to work on time because they wouldn't know whether their commute was going to be three miles or a hundred-and-three. Chaos would ensue!

I'd like that. We can always use a little more chaos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 06:18 PM

See, that's what I'm talking' about, man! Ya know? You start catering to all the agreements about what is and what should be and -- blamm! -- they gotcha in the Matrix, ya know? Ya gotta exercise the sovereign power of disagreement, is what I say. Your mileage may vary.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 05:31 PM

It has occurred to me that, to the best of my memory, my childhood tricycle was green. But, with the exception of that one example, I don't think I've ever seen a tricycle that wasn't predominately red. Perhaps my parents, sensing the extraordinary person whom I would become, scoured the world over for a non-red tricycle so I would be unique. Or maybe they just got a really good deal because all the normal kids wanted red tricycles like everyone else.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 04:07 PM

I'm thinking about my old cow pony, Ol' Paint. I rode Ol' Paint when I was leaving Cheyenne. The leaving was agreeable between me and those fellows with a rope.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 02:25 PM

I'm thinking about a red wheelbarrow and some white chickens. Go figure.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 01:34 PM

Thanks for that advice, Amos. As I create my sovereign universe I shall model it on a pogo stick, not a little red tricycle. As I see it, the problem with red tricycle universes is that one must travel through all the debris fields which inhabit a universe's outer limits before arriving at the great whatsis in the center. In a pogo stick universe, you can bounce right over those fuckers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 01:01 PM

Sometimes the barriers between the real and the imagined seem to be rather indistinct and permeable….

This is a good sign, BWL--it shows you are breaking out of the shell of rigid agreements and assuming your own destiny as a working soul, the sovereign author of your own universe.

But bear in mind, sovereign universes area lot like little red tricycles--they are great fun and all, but you shouldn't use them to cross busy streets or merge with popular highways....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 12:30 PM

Right now I'm visualizing a big bowl of coconut chia granola with sliced banana, peanut butter, Greek yogurt, soy milk, and honey. No, wait! That's not what I'm visualizing! That's what I'm eating for lunch as I'm typing this!

Sometimes the barriers between the real and the imagined seem to be rather indistinct and permeable....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 09:50 AM

I visualized pea green soup and immediately thought of the time I did that. My mother had hit a big sale on peas and we ate peas -- and only peas -- for a month. Finally I started the problem mentioned, and she first thought of renting me to restaurants and then decided they would object to the source of the soup and so would the health department. So after filling a few gallon jars for the pantry and the neighbors she began to feed me in the old style (crusts of moldy bread and water from the ditch outside the house) and I returned to normal. Or whatever that is for me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 06:21 AM

I'm visualizing frozen peas, but they're boring. I think I'll visualize split pea soup, which is a bit more interesting. But, you know, I really don't like split pea soup. It's disgusting. I'd rather visualize bean with bacon soup. But actually, I'm not all that fond of beans either. I think I'll leave them out and just visualize bacon. Three crispy slices with two scrambled eggs and an order of biscuits with sausage gravy. Heck, toss in a large cup of Kona coffee while we're at it. Straight, 100% Kona, not that Kona blend crap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 01:13 AM

A nice girl removed the stitches at the Doc's direction and although it pinched a few times I suffered it manfully for the sake of her gentle touch and sweet apologies. I told her it was hard to believe I paid good money to go through all this and she replied with buoyant good cheer that she couldn't WAIT to get a face lift. I told her that was fine if that was what she wanted but I didn't see that she needed one. We got on famously, but all too soon the stitches were out and I was back with the famous surgeon, who was much less appealing although a perfect gent. Anyway, my eyeballs are swollen like -- well never mind like what-- but it sure is a relief not to have those ugly threads waving in front of them like Venusian antennae. Tomorrow will be a better day. Meanwhile--visualize frozen peas!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM

Don't come unraveled when that doctor pulls (or drops) a stitch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 01:06 PM

You're related to Flattish I, King of Podophilia, Imperial Sovereign of Dyshidrosis and Lord of Scabies?

Isn't that nice?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 12:42 PM

Lobsters in the fridge and painters on the ridge, and everything is fine with MOAB!

Hey, Mom! I'm gonna get all them stitches out. I look about as ugly as a wet painter in a dungheap, myself, but soon I will be the talko' the town with my scintillating beauty, such that it will even outshine the nebulous BWL and the nefarious Rapparree in sheer scintillating devilish masculine corona. Just you wait.

Meanwhile these last few days have been nearly the most unproductive of my short and ultimately meaningless life. Why I managed to catch up on all the John Carter of Mars books! There's a feat for ya! I always did suffer from flattish feats. I inherited it from my grandmother's uncle, Flattish Feats, Junior, who got it from his Dad, Flattish the First.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 11:35 AM

She knows about that, BWL. They got cooked when she turned on the heat. Look in the fridge. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 08:30 PM

Stilly, get Mom out of the hot tub! Since she hasn't been using it lately, we've been storing live lobsters in it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 08:01 PM

It's too late to save the Windows 95 diskettes now. Time's up; I'm mailing them to Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 06:01 PM

Soaking it out, huh?

SAY! Does anyone need a complete set of Windows 95 on 31 3.5 inch diskettes? Ya got about two hours before I destroy them, so speak up now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 05:34 PM

MOM bypassed all of the booze and spent an hour having a nice soak in the hot tub. You know, the one out back that we keep forgetting is there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 05:03 PM

And Four Roses, and Old Fitzgerald, and Who Kicked John?, and Old Panther Piss, and Real Cowboy Rotgut, and Coffin Varnish, and....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 11:48 AM

Wake up, Mom, you brainless old heifer! It's already 11:30! You forgot to set your clock ahead, didn't you? Now you're going to be late for brunch with the Red Hat girls.......

Oh, never mind. You can't go anyway. You spilled a Long Island Ice Tea on your only purple dress last week, remember? And you took it to the dry cleaners on Wednesday. And you were supposed to pick it up yesterday but you started playing video poker and forgot. Now you can't pick it up 'cause it's Sunday and the cleaners are closed. And you certainly can't go to a Red Hat Society event without your purple dress. That's almost as bad as going without your red hat. But don't worry. You didn't want those weak-assed mimosas anyway. You'd really rather stay home and get blotto drinking Old Granddad straight out of the bottle.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 15 - 10:14 PM

If she continues hittin' the bottle like she has all afternoon she won't notice it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Mar 15 - 07:42 PM

Hi, Mom! Daylight savings time starts tonight! Don't forget to set your clock ahead an hour before retiring for the evening. We'd hate for you to be late for brunch with the Red Hat Society girls. And no pissing and moaning about how you missed that hour's sleep and now you feel all disoriented. Just get over it. You can sleep an extra hour in November.


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