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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 04 Mar 15 - 08:52 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 04 Mar 15 - 09:21 PM
gnu 04 Mar 15 - 10:53 PM
Rapparee 05 Mar 15 - 10:25 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 05 Mar 15 - 01:26 PM
Rapparee 05 Mar 15 - 03:10 PM
Amos 05 Mar 15 - 08:01 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Mar 15 - 09:17 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Mar 15 - 10:26 AM
Rapparee 06 Mar 15 - 11:35 AM
Acme 06 Mar 15 - 05:15 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 06 Mar 15 - 07:33 PM
GUEST,Your Friend, GLUON!!! 06 Mar 15 - 09:32 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 15 - 02:11 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Mar 15 - 07:42 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 15 - 10:14 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Mar 15 - 11:48 AM
Rapparee 08 Mar 15 - 05:03 PM
Acme 08 Mar 15 - 05:34 PM
Rapparee 08 Mar 15 - 06:01 PM
Rapparee 08 Mar 15 - 08:01 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Mar 15 - 08:30 PM
Acme 09 Mar 15 - 11:35 AM
Amos 09 Mar 15 - 12:42 PM
Rapparee 09 Mar 15 - 01:06 PM
Acme 09 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM
GUEST,Amos 10 Mar 15 - 01:13 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 06:21 AM
Rapparee 10 Mar 15 - 09:50 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 12:30 PM
Amos 10 Mar 15 - 01:01 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 01:34 PM
Acme 10 Mar 15 - 02:25 PM
Rapparee 10 Mar 15 - 04:07 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 05:31 PM
Amos 10 Mar 15 - 06:18 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Mar 15 - 07:22 PM
gnu 10 Mar 15 - 07:58 PM
Rapparee 10 Mar 15 - 08:59 PM
Acme 10 Mar 15 - 10:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Mar 15 - 12:00 AM
gnu 11 Mar 15 - 05:03 AM
Rapparee 11 Mar 15 - 08:02 AM
Amos 11 Mar 15 - 01:23 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Mar 15 - 02:04 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 11 Mar 15 - 04:57 PM
gnu 11 Mar 15 - 05:36 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 Mar 15 - 06:45 PM
gnu 11 Mar 15 - 07:33 PM
Amos 11 Mar 15 - 09:51 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:52 PM

And I quote:

Chongo Chimp, you have had a fair and impartial trial by you peers and have been found guilty of and in every every count, to whit: perjury, possession of weapons prohibited by law, discharge of firearms within the city limits, public drunkenness, transportation of a woman across State lines for immoral purposes, living off of the wages of a prostitute, premeditated murder, violation of the statute prohibiting gambling, prostitution, unvarying ugliness, illegal entry into the United States of America, crossing the street outside of a crosswalk, attempted bribery of public officials, barretry, mopery and dopery on the high seas, pollution of water, operating a taxicab without a permit, possession of concealed firearms without a permit, theft of electrical power, piracy, and numerous and sundry other crimes without number. The jury has made no recommendation of mercy. Therefore, you are remanded to the custody of the sheriff for incarceration and, on the first day of April next, you will be taken from said place of incarceration to the place of execution, there to be executed by any lawful means the sheriff sees fit. This may include, but is not limited to, breaking on the wheel, stoning, decapitation, hanging by the neck until you are dead, being shot to death by musketry, drawing and quartering, peine forte et dure, garrotting, poisonous gas, or any other method. The only forbidden method is old age. And I will admonish you that the only reason you are getting off so lightly is because the Statutes of the Idaho Legion prevent me from giving you such punishment as that which you so very richly deserve.

This was signed today by the Colonel General, the Judge Advocate General, and the majority of the members in good standing of the Idaho Legion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:21 PM

HA! HA! HA! OOK! OOK! (gasp)

Jeez, I am fallin' off my damn chair here, Rap! That was pretty good. What I am thinkin' is, you missed yer proper callin' in life. You should not've been a librarian, you shoulda been a damn comedian! That was hilarious!!!!

I am gonna print out a copy of it and hang it on the wall here. Maybe take a copy over to Duffy's too, and show the guys.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 10:53 PM

That's rather onerous but, if the monkey dies, so be it. Hopefully it will be quick and painless with the emphasis on quick.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 10:25 AM

Well, the Legion has a big hydraulic press set up in the garage. It's really slow but at with crushing potential of better than 1,750 tons it makes things pretty flat.

Then there's The Room That Dares Not Speak Its Name, where only people in skimpy leather outfits hang out -- it's soundproof and they bring out a lot biohazard trash bags to burn in the Legion's big incinerator.

And of course there's the Legion Zoo and the midnight boat trips....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 01:26 PM

That's what happens when a buncha damned inbred Idaho rednecks get together and try to pretend they have a good reason for existin'. It's like givin' matches to 4 year-olds. Things go wrong. If this here Idaho Legion actually does exist and has a place where they meet, then it should be declared a Federal Disaster Area...and it will be after I am elected. I'll send in the troops, helicopters, flamethrower squads, and bulldozers and clean it up but good. You won't see nothin' left after they are done, and the whole state will heave a big sigh of relief.

If, on the other hand, Rap's stories are just a big buncha hooey and there ain't no Idaho Legion, then we'll just put him where he can't hurt nobody...maybe a little "safe house" up in Alaska...and let Sarah Palin deal with it. She owes me anyway. She gave amnesty to a turkey one time, right? So she should be able to handle keepin' Rap out of trouble.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 03:10 PM

Ya know, Chong', there're a lot of folks in the Windy City who LOVE to eat bushmeat. I'm just sayin'....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 08:01 PM

Hell, you don't need no Legion to handle that flea-bitten furbag. Just slip a note with his current residence on it--if you can find it--to the Madame down at Albuqerque's Finest House of Nefarious Delights and watch the smoke! Ole Chinga'll be on his trail faster than a drunk Apache.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 09:17 PM

If we were to force feed Little Hawk a truly heroic dose of magic mushrooms, would it:

A) Make his imaginary friends go away
B) Make his imaginary friends even more obnoxious
C) Make his current crop of imaginary friends go away, only to replace them with others who are even worse


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 10:26 AM

I heard on NPR this morning that the Dawn spacecraft is now in orbit around the Dwarf Planet Ceres. After it has completed its mission it will continue to the Oompa Loompa Planet Wonka.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 11:35 AM

Yes, indeed it will, and it will bring back lots and lots of candy for you to enjoy, if you're still around in 2x108 years.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 05:15 PM

Have the duck-dog fetch some candy for you, it would be faster.

QUARK!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 07:33 PM

And now it's time for another episode of...

Mother of All BS Threads Trivia!!!

Did you know that the Spacing Guild Navigators in Frank Herbert's classic science fiction novel Dune were modeled after our very own Gluon the Duckdog? Yes, it's true. The only real difference between them is that Gluon is much cuter. And he don't need no steenkin' spice to warp spacetime.

And the giant sand worms were modeled after Shane McBride's hyperdelusional mental picture of his own reproductive equipment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Your Friend, GLUON!!!
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 09:32 PM

Quark!


Quark!


Quark! 


Quark!


Quark!


Quark!


Quark!





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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 15 - 02:11 PM

Mom, get off the bottom and go de-thatch the lawn!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Mar 15 - 07:42 PM

Hi, Mom! Daylight savings time starts tonight! Don't forget to set your clock ahead an hour before retiring for the evening. We'd hate for you to be late for brunch with the Red Hat Society girls. And no pissing and moaning about how you missed that hour's sleep and now you feel all disoriented. Just get over it. You can sleep an extra hour in November.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 15 - 10:14 PM

If she continues hittin' the bottle like she has all afternoon she won't notice it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 11:48 AM

Wake up, Mom, you brainless old heifer! It's already 11:30! You forgot to set your clock ahead, didn't you? Now you're going to be late for brunch with the Red Hat girls.......

Oh, never mind. You can't go anyway. You spilled a Long Island Ice Tea on your only purple dress last week, remember? And you took it to the dry cleaners on Wednesday. And you were supposed to pick it up yesterday but you started playing video poker and forgot. Now you can't pick it up 'cause it's Sunday and the cleaners are closed. And you certainly can't go to a Red Hat Society event without your purple dress. That's almost as bad as going without your red hat. But don't worry. You didn't want those weak-assed mimosas anyway. You'd really rather stay home and get blotto drinking Old Granddad straight out of the bottle.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 05:03 PM

And Four Roses, and Old Fitzgerald, and Who Kicked John?, and Old Panther Piss, and Real Cowboy Rotgut, and Coffin Varnish, and....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 05:34 PM

MOM bypassed all of the booze and spent an hour having a nice soak in the hot tub. You know, the one out back that we keep forgetting is there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 06:01 PM

Soaking it out, huh?

SAY! Does anyone need a complete set of Windows 95 on 31 3.5 inch diskettes? Ya got about two hours before I destroy them, so speak up now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 08:01 PM

It's too late to save the Windows 95 diskettes now. Time's up; I'm mailing them to Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Mar 15 - 08:30 PM

Stilly, get Mom out of the hot tub! Since she hasn't been using it lately, we've been storing live lobsters in it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 11:35 AM

She knows about that, BWL. They got cooked when she turned on the heat. Look in the fridge. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 12:42 PM

Lobsters in the fridge and painters on the ridge, and everything is fine with MOAB!

Hey, Mom! I'm gonna get all them stitches out. I look about as ugly as a wet painter in a dungheap, myself, but soon I will be the talko' the town with my scintillating beauty, such that it will even outshine the nebulous BWL and the nefarious Rapparree in sheer scintillating devilish masculine corona. Just you wait.

Meanwhile these last few days have been nearly the most unproductive of my short and ultimately meaningless life. Why I managed to catch up on all the John Carter of Mars books! There's a feat for ya! I always did suffer from flattish feats. I inherited it from my grandmother's uncle, Flattish Feats, Junior, who got it from his Dad, Flattish the First.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 01:06 PM

You're related to Flattish I, King of Podophilia, Imperial Sovereign of Dyshidrosis and Lord of Scabies?

Isn't that nice?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM

Don't come unraveled when that doctor pulls (or drops) a stitch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 01:13 AM

A nice girl removed the stitches at the Doc's direction and although it pinched a few times I suffered it manfully for the sake of her gentle touch and sweet apologies. I told her it was hard to believe I paid good money to go through all this and she replied with buoyant good cheer that she couldn't WAIT to get a face lift. I told her that was fine if that was what she wanted but I didn't see that she needed one. We got on famously, but all too soon the stitches were out and I was back with the famous surgeon, who was much less appealing although a perfect gent. Anyway, my eyeballs are swollen like -- well never mind like what-- but it sure is a relief not to have those ugly threads waving in front of them like Venusian antennae. Tomorrow will be a better day. Meanwhile--visualize frozen peas!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 06:21 AM

I'm visualizing frozen peas, but they're boring. I think I'll visualize split pea soup, which is a bit more interesting. But, you know, I really don't like split pea soup. It's disgusting. I'd rather visualize bean with bacon soup. But actually, I'm not all that fond of beans either. I think I'll leave them out and just visualize bacon. Three crispy slices with two scrambled eggs and an order of biscuits with sausage gravy. Heck, toss in a large cup of Kona coffee while we're at it. Straight, 100% Kona, not that Kona blend crap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 09:50 AM

I visualized pea green soup and immediately thought of the time I did that. My mother had hit a big sale on peas and we ate peas -- and only peas -- for a month. Finally I started the problem mentioned, and she first thought of renting me to restaurants and then decided they would object to the source of the soup and so would the health department. So after filling a few gallon jars for the pantry and the neighbors she began to feed me in the old style (crusts of moldy bread and water from the ditch outside the house) and I returned to normal. Or whatever that is for me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 12:30 PM

Right now I'm visualizing a big bowl of coconut chia granola with sliced banana, peanut butter, Greek yogurt, soy milk, and honey. No, wait! That's not what I'm visualizing! That's what I'm eating for lunch as I'm typing this!

Sometimes the barriers between the real and the imagined seem to be rather indistinct and permeable....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 01:01 PM

Sometimes the barriers between the real and the imagined seem to be rather indistinct and permeable….

This is a good sign, BWL--it shows you are breaking out of the shell of rigid agreements and assuming your own destiny as a working soul, the sovereign author of your own universe.

But bear in mind, sovereign universes area lot like little red tricycles--they are great fun and all, but you shouldn't use them to cross busy streets or merge with popular highways....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 01:34 PM

Thanks for that advice, Amos. As I create my sovereign universe I shall model it on a pogo stick, not a little red tricycle. As I see it, the problem with red tricycle universes is that one must travel through all the debris fields which inhabit a universe's outer limits before arriving at the great whatsis in the center. In a pogo stick universe, you can bounce right over those fuckers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 02:25 PM

I'm thinking about a red wheelbarrow and some white chickens. Go figure.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 04:07 PM

I'm thinking about my old cow pony, Ol' Paint. I rode Ol' Paint when I was leaving Cheyenne. The leaving was agreeable between me and those fellows with a rope.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 05:31 PM

It has occurred to me that, to the best of my memory, my childhood tricycle was green. But, with the exception of that one example, I don't think I've ever seen a tricycle that wasn't predominately red. Perhaps my parents, sensing the extraordinary person whom I would become, scoured the world over for a non-red tricycle so I would be unique. Or maybe they just got a really good deal because all the normal kids wanted red tricycles like everyone else.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 06:18 PM

See, that's what I'm talking' about, man! Ya know? You start catering to all the agreements about what is and what should be and -- blamm! -- they gotcha in the Matrix, ya know? Ya gotta exercise the sovereign power of disagreement, is what I say. Your mileage may vary.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 07:22 PM

My mileage never varies. If I drive from home to the library by my usual route, it's always 10.3 miles. If my mileage varied I might make that drive tomorrow and have it be 5.7 miles, or drive it next Tuesday and have it be 37 miles. If mileage varied, nobody'd get to work on time because they wouldn't know whether their commute was going to be three miles or a hundred-and-three. Chaos would ensue!

I'd like that. We can always use a little more chaos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 07:58 PM

What do we want? CHAOS! When do we want it? Who the fuck knows?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 08:59 PM

Amos, I disagree. Freeing the self involves totally subjugating the self to the will of another. Let me know when you want to start; in the meantime, you can make a very small beginning to free yourself by sending me all of your money and guitars. All of it and them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 10 Mar 15 - 10:53 PM

BWL, I HAD A GREEN TRIKE when I was a kid. In particular, I broke my leg (falling off our back yard swingset) in second grade. Three months in a full-length leg cast and my parents wanted me to get exercise, so they bought me a big green trike. I rode that sucker everywhere. It seems to have worked - though my now-ex tells me I have a funny gait. I managed to climb mountains for several years before I moved away from the Pacific NW. And I'm working on that "funny gait" - taking belly dance classes. Boy, do those change your gait!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 12:00 AM

On second thought, screw the pogo stick universe. I'll do the tricycle universe if I can model it on this most decidedly non-red tricycle.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 05:03 AM

Nice ride!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 08:02 AM

Tricycles, well, I left mine behind when I got a bicycle. A black one, later painted red. But sometimes I wish I'd never left the old tricycle behind.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 01:23 PM

What I want is time travel. When I want it doesn't matter.

I also want FTL travel, and I want it here and now, whichever comes first.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 02:04 PM

My needs are simple. I do not want time travel or FTL travel or a beam-me-up-Scotty transporter. I want a shrubbery.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 04:57 PM

I know that every now and then I gotta step in here and drop a few choice words of wisdom to keep you hapless bozos on the straight and narrow. So here I am. What I got to say is brief. Shape up! Time is wastin', see? When I come back, maybe in a few days if yer lucky, I expect to see a major improvement in yer posts, yer attitude, and yer intelligence. And no excuses!

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 05:36 PM

FTL travel? I could go for that. Pop over and help shovel out my utility trailer would ya? I'll pop down to the NB Liquor and grab some beers. Shouldn't take long.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 06:45 PM

If the towns of Nantucket and Pawtucket had been named something else, it would be damned near impossible to have a limerick end with "suck it" or "fuck it".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 07:33 PM

Oh, I could manage it. But, I'm a lady, I am.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 Mar 15 - 09:51 PM

Dear Gawd, Gnuzer, what changed?


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