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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 26 Nov 15 - 11:23 PM
gnu 27 Nov 15 - 06:08 AM
Little Hawk 27 Nov 15 - 12:28 PM
Amos 27 Nov 15 - 01:00 PM
Rapparee 27 Nov 15 - 01:12 PM
Little Hawk 27 Nov 15 - 04:26 PM
gnu 27 Nov 15 - 04:31 PM
Acme 27 Nov 15 - 10:38 PM
gnu 28 Nov 15 - 12:21 PM
Little Hawk 28 Nov 15 - 06:55 PM
Rapparee 28 Nov 15 - 09:30 PM
Little Hawk 28 Nov 15 - 11:01 PM
Amos 28 Nov 15 - 11:40 PM
Rapparee 29 Nov 15 - 09:17 AM
Acme 29 Nov 15 - 11:33 AM
Acme 29 Nov 15 - 09:10 PM
Rapparee 30 Nov 15 - 10:02 AM
Amos 30 Nov 15 - 10:38 AM
gnu 30 Nov 15 - 12:45 PM
Acme 30 Nov 15 - 07:16 PM
Rapparee 30 Nov 15 - 07:29 PM
Rapparee 01 Dec 15 - 09:00 AM
gnu 01 Dec 15 - 11:29 AM
gnu 01 Dec 15 - 06:03 PM
Rapparee 01 Dec 15 - 08:18 PM
Amos 01 Dec 15 - 10:31 PM
Little Hawk 02 Dec 15 - 03:29 AM
gnu 02 Dec 15 - 05:06 AM
Rapparee 02 Dec 15 - 10:15 AM
Amos 02 Dec 15 - 10:35 AM
Little Hawk 02 Dec 15 - 09:32 PM
Rapparee 02 Dec 15 - 09:50 PM
Amos 02 Dec 15 - 11:01 PM
Rapparee 03 Dec 15 - 12:51 AM
Little Hawk 03 Dec 15 - 12:58 AM
GUEST,Noddy 03 Dec 15 - 02:57 AM
Rapparee 03 Dec 15 - 09:59 AM
Amos 03 Dec 15 - 10:42 AM
Little Hawk 03 Dec 15 - 12:10 PM
gnu 03 Dec 15 - 07:37 PM
Rapparee 03 Dec 15 - 10:33 PM
Amos 04 Dec 15 - 12:08 AM
gnu 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 AM
Rapparee 04 Dec 15 - 09:25 AM
Little Hawk 04 Dec 15 - 10:46 AM
Amos 04 Dec 15 - 10:47 AM
gnu 04 Dec 15 - 01:35 PM
Acme 04 Dec 15 - 01:58 PM
Little Hawk 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 PM
Rapparee 04 Dec 15 - 09:03 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Nov 15 - 11:23 PM

Mom's fridge is actually just a plastic frame around a wormhole which exits into a segment of interstellar vacuum where the temps can go down to -280K. So she has unlimited amount of freezer space, but the defrost cycle takes a couple of months. Just sayin'.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 27 Nov 15 - 06:08 AM

"timocracy"-- Church of Timbits.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Nov 15 - 12:28 PM

Shane has worshiped at the Church of Timbits for years, and look at all it's done for him! His first loyalty, though, is to the LCBO, the Beer Store, and the Iron Horse Tavern, all of which collectively make up the Church of Booze.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Nov 15 - 01:00 PM

I think there must be a great deal to be said about the social value of imaginary identities. Unfortunately, I can't think of any. However the good Doctor Liebenscheiss has a great deal to say. His thesis is that imaginary identities are essentially all we have as a medium into the shared material universe, and that ALL identities are imaginary; therefore, the exercise of creative talent invested in standing up and fleshing out such identities is the spiritual equivalent of going to the gym and pushing bars of metal around wearing Spandex pants.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Nov 15 - 01:12 PM

Bars of metal wear spandex? Well, maybe in Sandy Ego, but certainly not in Pocatello, Idaho!!! WE would never stand for such a thing! The very idea!!!!!! OUR bars of metal are quite properly dressed for the time of day and the function they are attending. Even for a simple evening at home they would wear slippers, rather casual clothing, and a dressing gown (preferably mouse coloured).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Nov 15 - 04:26 PM

No one could possibly deny the brilliance of Herr Doktor Liebenscheiss, and I must say that his analysis, as always, is right on the mark. As he so wisely puts it, "ALL identities are imaginary"...and where would we be without imagination?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 27 Nov 15 - 04:31 PM

In Saudi Arabia.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Nov 15 - 10:38 PM

Saudi Arabia is close enough to the land of Scheherazade that I can't believe they have no imagination. But the imagination there may wear blinders.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 28 Nov 15 - 12:21 PM

Just struck me today why Mum stops walking every time I speak to her in Sobeys grocery.. she's French. >;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Nov 15 - 06:55 PM

She'd probably keep walking if Shane spoke to her.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Nov 15 - 09:30 PM

Or start puking from his breath-and-body stink like everyone else. He is the only person in the Western Hemisphere who can make a building uninhabitable simply by exhaling and a city by merely existing. His scabrous, suppurating, malodorous existence gives a new depth of meaning to purulence, miasma, and pestilence; his shopping is done solely at Bad Breath and Beyond.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Nov 15 - 11:01 PM

He is NOT the only person capable of that! Shane has relatives scattered all over the place. Lots of them. And they breed like rabbits.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Nov 15 - 11:40 PM

In fact, Shane's family tree all by itself has lowered the IQ of the human species by 11.8 points on average. The other 6.5 points of loss in the average of the species' IQ can be attributed to the influence of Chongo , Chinga and their relatives.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 15 - 09:17 AM

Is it true that both Shame and Chongx have continuously skinned-up private parts from their love of rolling doughnuts? Is it really true that the horse Shame rode in on gets more "action" than he does (except from pigs)?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Nov 15 - 11:33 AM

The Society for the Protection of Under-appreciated Doughnuts (SPUD) is going to blacklist this thread if you're not careful.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Nov 15 - 09:10 PM

Did Shane get the better of all of you? Are you all in the hoosegow after trying to drink him under the table? MOM, let's turn on some lights and fix dinner. More Thanksgiving leftovers?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 10:02 AM

No, under the bad lights. Saturday I called the electrician who installed our new, energy saving, LED "fluorescent" tubes. Of the 12 tubes in the kitchen only 4 were working and those in different fixtures. He decided that "there were big things wrong" and came by yesterday morning.

Wow! The tubes had not just burned out very prematurely, they had literally split and melted (and LEDs don't put out heat!). The covers and the fixtures were literally scorched in a couple of places. And when we went to check one in my orifice and Pat's office one tube of four in each was bad in the new, never before used, fixtures.

He, his son and helper, and both of us, were shook. He and the kid took off to talk with the supplier, who said that it was ALL a warranty issue, who opened the shop and gave them what tubes he had, and said again it was warrantied and to make the work right.

It appears that there were two sets of tubes and it was those in the first batch that were bad -- the second batch had different part numbers and the ones yesterday still different ones. The electrician is coming back today to do a full-house scan.

As electrifying and shocking as it may seem, Shame did not (could not!) drink me under any table real or metaphoric. Shame could drink my old second grade teacher, Sister Angela Merici, under the table and she'd been teaching for at least half a century and was one of the original women who followed John the Baptist before he lost his head over a hootchy-kootchy dancer. Shame can, however, drink himself under that table with just the smell of Kool-Aid or orange juice or even water (preferably from the bottom of a fetid and festering pool from the water treatment plant).

I don't have the stomach right now to discuss that Typhoid Monkey, Chongx.

The new tubes were put in


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 10:38 AM

I suppose new tubes makes a vas deferens in those parts, huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 12:45 PM

Well played!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 07:16 PM

Heh. Big shot . . .

It is a good thing, though, to fix the lighting before it burns down the house.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 15 - 07:29 PM

Seems like the local distributor wasn't told there was a recall on the tubes. A bad driver in the tube -- the local shop is picking up all costs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 09:00 AM

As I said to Ian, who owns the electronics store "Tubes" here, "Christmas is coming! Geez, it's Fall; open Ian's Tubes." He explained that he needed some quick cash because his Tubs were tied up in a court case, so I said to Dave, "You stake Ian's Tubes!" Ian sold enough radio parts to start delivering stuff himself, and now you can see his brown Kia all over town. Dave, a real old-fashioned hepcat, said to me just yesterday, "Yer'r reet ter give ol' Ian some help, even if it was my bread you gave him! Slip me five, man!"

As for the tubes that LED us down the primrose path, see this. And I suggest that you share it with friends who might be affected.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 11:29 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u06DpcFXc4U


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 06:03 PM

Snowblower gassed up? check. Lined leather work gloves, snow pants and parka in position? Check. Long handled aluminium shovel in position? Check. Big lined rubber boots near back door? Check. Plastic push shovel tied with bungee cord to back steps railing? Check. Generator on charger? Check. Portable power packs charged? Overnight bag for Mum's packed? Check. Fridge stocked with beer? FUCK ME! 9:55 AM... beer run! Proper planning prevents piss poor performance, I always say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 08:18 PM

You act like it might snow. New Brunswick, as we all know, has benefited by Global Climate Warming and Change and enjoys a lush, tropical climate similar to that of Hawai'i the year around. Or perhaps Panama before the canal: Yellow Fever, malaria, dengue fever, clap, schistosomiosis, cholera, tuberculosis, spontaneous amputation, guinea worm, silicosis, measles, pertussis, Ross River fever, coccidioidomycosis, HFMD, infectious pododermatitis, black hairy tongue, and similar musical groups.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 15 - 10:31 PM

I think Ross River Fever would be a GREAT name for an old-time music band. Don't you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 03:29 AM

Shane still has dreams of becoming a heavy metal rock star and fronting a very loud and offensive band that will tour all over the world offending people, gaining hordes of moronic fans, etc...the usual thing. The only things standing in his way are: An almost total lack of musical talent. Extreme laziness. A lack of funds and equipment. No idea of how to start. An inability to set realistic priorities. And he has not yet decided on the right name for the band.

Any ideas out there on what would be a good name for Shane's dream band?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 05:06 AM

The Armedpits.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 10:15 AM

Black Hairy Tongues. I could get him a great gig in Rason, DPRK.

Picture him now: on stage at the Pipa Hotel, face painted a la Kiss (but way cooler!), spandex pants, no shirt, licking a microphone with his Black Hair Tongue cohorts backing on bass. Shame, of course, would be the drummer and lead singer, doubling on a Post-Modern Fender (custom made to his specs, of course), the light show and pyrotechnics behind and around him, women throwing themselves at him as his tour "Rason To ROCK!!" takes off.

I'll even toss in some money to make the tour a go.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 10:35 AM

Black Hairy Tongue would be a real winner. Or The Dead Wrong.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 09:32 PM

Those are all excellent ideas. This could be the spark that kickstarts Shane into a glorious, if repugnant career.

Or he might just go on bumming smokes, laying about in a drunken stupor, pestering the local women, and keeping the cops motivated...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 09:50 PM

How about The Bed Bugs? Phossy Jaw? The Acromegalics? Irradiated Testes? The Brothers McBride?

I can think of lots of band names!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 15 - 11:01 PM

The Undetected Herpes! The Sullen Fisters! Shane and the Incompetent Fornicaters!
The Dry Hump Desperadoes! The Limp Willies! Slackalot McBride and the Useless Layabouts! Big Gaseous Cloud and the Ne'er-Do-Wells! The Chimp Humpers!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 12:51 AM

Dirty Shame and the Fecal Flingers. Shame and the Chump. The Void Between The Ears. The Brown Bananas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 12:58 AM

Omigod! Marvelous stuff.

I REALLY like "The Bed Bugs"! "The Chimp Humpers" is pretty good too, but it might result in Shane getting arrested by Homeland Security and being brutally banana-boarded after Chongo gets elected. Still, that could be good publicity...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 02:57 AM

Shane's nocturnal emission dream band?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 09:59 AM

That's it, Noddy!

Shame McBride and His Wet Dreams!

And for that ugly Chongx -- pair it up with its sister Chinga for

Death Metal Sibs!

Chinga as drummer, Chongx as the drum.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 10:42 AM

The Sheet Stainers!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 12:10 PM

Very good, Amos! The question is, though, does Shane even bother to use sheets? Last thing I heard he was sleeping on a bare "Salivation Army mattress that me and Don drug upstairs cos I hadda throw out the last one after the New Years party, eh?" (to quote Shane)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 07:37 PM

Oooohhhhh... the weather outside is nasty.
There's wet snow and the wind is blasty.
The power goes bump bump bump bump
Let it suck let it suck let it suck.

Excerpt from the old Kissmeass Carol "Fuck I Hate Winter"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 10:33 PM

Yeah, enuresis can cause that. All the bed bugs drown, but it does clean up Shame's throw-uppy stuff, not to mention the...well, Shame needs Depends.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 12:08 AM

ANd Gnu needs an alternate location on the equator...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 AM

Back doors and garages cleared as well as a path to Mum's front steps. I like the hydrostatic drive in the Honda blower... works a treat. Only problem is having to shovel to get it out of the garage. The garage faces S30W so the biggest drift in the driveway is in front of the garage door.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 09:25 AM

Connect the garage with the house! Geez, I have to think of everything around here mumblegrumble.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 10:46 AM

What you clearly need to do is relocate the garage in California.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 10:47 AM

A solution without a problem!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 01:35 PM

The power is still out at Sobeys so no squash with the roast chicken supper. Oh well, Mum will find squash a real treat come Kissmeass Day. I was gonna cook breaded sole... Friday eh?... but the chicken was fridge thawed perfectly and ya just don't go afoul of fowl in the thaw/roast protocol eh?

Sun/cloud, no wind and -4. No need to salt Mum's driveaway... just scrape the ice with my favourite ice scraping shovel though I did bust another piece off it today. NB ice be like, "Plastic? Seriously, a plastic shovel? Where the fuck you from? Calleeforneeah?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 01:58 PM

but it might result in Shane getting arrested by Homeland Security

You seriously think Homeland Security OR immigration folks would give him a green card to perform down here? You're delusional . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 05:01 PM

Okay, fine, so I'm delusional.

Now what? :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 15 - 09:03 PM

Local Man Found In Love Nest With Chimpanzee!!

Blind River, Dec. 3: Shane McBride, was found today residing in a cabin just outside of town in what the RCMP described as "a love nest full of sex toys."

Responding to a report of someone disturbing the peace, two officers tracked the noise to a nearby cabin from which loud "metal music" could be heard a considerable distance away. After attempting the get someone to open the door, the officers believed they heard screams and broke the door down.

Inside they found McBride engaged in what was described only as "relations" with a chimpanzee later identified as an undocumented immigrate from the United States who gave the name "Chongo Chimp" from Chicago.

Further investigation found that Chimp was of indeterminate sex, as the police originally thought this also applied to McBride. Neither being the owner of the cabin they were taken into custody on charges of criminal trespass, disturbance of the peace, vandalism, and others. Chimp was also charged with illegal entry into Canada.

They are to appear in Court on Monday.


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