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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 26 Sep 05 - 01:58 PM
Rapparee 26 Sep 05 - 04:50 PM
Rapparee 26 Sep 05 - 04:50 PM
Rapparee 26 Sep 05 - 04:51 PM
Bunnahabhain 26 Sep 05 - 05:41 PM
Rapparee 26 Sep 05 - 06:38 PM
Amos 26 Sep 05 - 06:48 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Sep 05 - 07:08 PM
Rapparee 26 Sep 05 - 09:56 PM
Rapparee 27 Sep 05 - 09:01 AM
Amos 27 Sep 05 - 09:14 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Sep 05 - 10:01 AM
Acme 27 Sep 05 - 11:07 AM
Acme 27 Sep 05 - 11:24 AM
Acme 27 Sep 05 - 11:41 AM
Bunnahabhain 27 Sep 05 - 12:39 PM
Amos 27 Sep 05 - 01:22 PM
MMario 28 Sep 05 - 10:26 AM
Amos 28 Sep 05 - 10:45 AM
MMario 28 Sep 05 - 10:50 AM
beardedbruce 28 Sep 05 - 10:56 AM
Bunnahabhain 28 Sep 05 - 12:57 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Sep 05 - 06:13 AM
MMario 29 Sep 05 - 10:27 AM
Acme 29 Sep 05 - 10:52 AM
Amos 29 Sep 05 - 12:02 PM
Rapparee 29 Sep 05 - 01:03 PM
Acme 29 Sep 05 - 01:23 PM
Rapparee 29 Sep 05 - 04:10 PM
Acme 29 Sep 05 - 10:04 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Sep 05 - 10:55 PM
Amos 29 Sep 05 - 11:05 PM
Acme 29 Sep 05 - 11:15 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Sep 05 - 12:08 AM
Acme 30 Sep 05 - 10:02 AM
Acme 30 Sep 05 - 03:54 PM
Rapparee 30 Sep 05 - 05:36 PM
Bunnahabhain 30 Sep 05 - 05:55 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Sep 05 - 08:50 PM
Rapparee 30 Sep 05 - 09:57 PM
Amos 30 Sep 05 - 11:13 PM
Acme 01 Oct 05 - 01:07 AM
Bunnahabhain 01 Oct 05 - 07:53 AM
Acme 01 Oct 05 - 09:32 AM
Bunnahabhain 01 Oct 05 - 10:37 AM
Amos 01 Oct 05 - 10:59 AM
Rapparee 01 Oct 05 - 11:03 AM
Bunnahabhain 01 Oct 05 - 11:13 AM
Amos 01 Oct 05 - 10:49 PM
Rapparee 02 Oct 05 - 08:53 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 01:58 PM

Well, a "ficton" was originally just that, Bee-Dub. Ol' Bob Heinlein figured 'em out, back some time ago (hadda be, cuz he's been dead since 1988).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 04:50 PM

Guess what?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 04:50 PM

I think I'll snag


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 04:51 PM

9449 -- another palindromic number.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 05:41 PM

So long as we're all careful to avoid res-ons, which are highly dangerous, unstable, unpredicatble, and generally trouble.

And don't taste as nice...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 06:38 PM

Don't taste so nice...yeah, especially the ones you find under the rabbit cages (or so my brother once told me).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 06:48 PM

Especially the "D'etre" class of re-sons. We now call them "Freedom" re-sons in American science. They are just an unproved theory after all...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 07:08 PM

Nothing wrong with re-sons, I just prefer dates or dried pineapple.

And, SRS, I can relate to your dog-cornering-a-snake story. It seems like the three things I most frquently yell at my cats are "Shut the fuck up! I'll feed you when I'm good and damned ready!", "Quit fighting! Knock it off! Get along with each other, Goddamit!" and "Leave the damned snake alone!" But I must admit that with four cats in the yard, serpentine visitors aren't as common as they were some years ago. I think the snakes can smell the cats and sense danger. The only ones that come around much are hognose snakes and they're dumb as bricks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 09:56 PM

Dang, no cottonmouths? No rattlers? No copperheads? No coral snakes (and you say you're in Florida!)? No hoop snakes? Daggone, boy, what you do fer excitement down there? Ain't nothing like stepping on a big ol' diamondback first thing in the mornin' ta git the juices flowin'.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 09:01 AM

Well, it finally happened. The Hog Fat Kid and Jimmy-the-Speed finally got into it over the affections of Zircon Lil. Both of them had had a root beer or something at the Legion Hovel and JtS started bawling in his cup that Zircon Lil had thrown him over for Saddlebags, a newcomer who "can't ride nothin' that ain't got a pole up through its back." The Kid took umbrage at that, seeing as how he's a friend of Saddlebags, at least until Saddlebags pays him back, and said that Jimmy couldn't hold the affections of a mongrel pup anyway, so what was the point?

Jimmy-the-Speed got all upset at that, mostly beause it was true, and said some things about mongrels and Hoggy and Hoggy's immediate family that Hoggy didn't care for. One thing led to another and pretty soon The Kid was going "Neener neener" to Jimmy and Jimmy up and threw the contents of his flagon into Hoggy's face.

Hoggy started to weep, copiously and loudly, decrying the waste of good liquor (or at least liquor). Jimmy, shocked by this display of lacritude by his good friend, fell into Hog Fat's arms and started to weep with him. At this point, Hog Fat sucker-punched Jimmy-the-Speed, which caused Jimmy and the world to review, in technicolor, Jimmy's last meal, which splashed all over Hoggy's brand new Tony Lama boots.

Jimmy looked up into Hog Fat's rubicund and furious face just at Hoggy threw a punch at Jimmy's roseate nose.

It was at this point that Jimmy moved faster than he ever did before -- he dodged, and Hoggy's massive, flabby, fist connected with the nose of the cop who had moved directly behind Jimmy with the intent of taking both of them in.

Two other cops, who had been coming up for backup, took out after Jimmy and Hoggy, who had suddenly achieved complete sobriety and were beating feet down past the Legion Hovel. Up on the balcony of the Hovel, Wilted Rose screamed at Zircon Lil, who was down in the backyard, "Cheese it! The cops!" and Zircon, who thought that the cops were raiding the Hovel on an off-night so as to increase the City's revenue, started to toss her potted pot over the fence.

Just as she tossed the largest specimen over, it happened that one of the cops who were chasing Hoggy and Jimmy had arrived at a spot where, if it were not for his head, the plant would have impacted the ground.

Anyway, after the dust settled, the EMTs left the scene, The Hog Fat Kid and Jimmy-the-Speed were slammed into the Black Maria, the DEA boys had taken away Zircon Lil and her garden, and the Hovel was once again under judicial lock and key, the lessons of the evening became apparent.

Apart from "Don't hit a cop on the head when you toss a marijuana plant over a fence" nobody's quite certain what they are, but we're all sure that they're there if we examine the situation enough, assuming that we want to do so.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 09:14 AM

Don't yon Rapaire mix it up with some strange types? Hey, here on the MOAB we'uns got EVVYthing -- we got us mesons and bosons and gluons, an' we got us taciturn lexicologists, and epistomological potters, and drunks and prostitutes and ne'er-do-well Legionaires. I swan, we are well fitted out!! But that there is a fine tale, Rapaire, and I hope you go and write another.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 10:01 AM

Actually, Rap, in the twelve years that we've lived out here in the Florida boondocks we've never seen a poisonous snake on our property. It's odd because some of our nearby friends seem to average one rattler encounter a month, and we see road-killed rattlers regularly. Don't know what it is about our property that makes 'em stay away but it's okay with me.

On the other hand, the deer are becoming increasingly brave. There's a blown over stump/root mass from one of our hurricane-destroyed trees in the yard, maybe forty feet from the house. I just haven't had the inclination try to completely remove the thing, so we planted sweet potato vines around it thinking they would use it as a trellis and make it less unsightly. Worked really well until a couple of days ago when a deer found it and went "Wow! These sweet potato vines are delicious!" Now it's ugly again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 11:07 AM

I think our large visitor was a yellow bellied water snake. It was more stinky than showing a mouth at me, but you know no snake likes to be messed with and any bite can hurt or become infected. I just give them all a wide berth and let them go in their way. Interesting TX snake photos.

The guys who put in the two heat pumps in this house back in 2002 told me one afternoon "we killed a cottonmouth in your yard. You gotta be careful living down here by the water." I walked over and found a poor tiny earth snake mangled but still slightly alive. I put it out of it's misery and asked the guys to leave my critters alone. Good thing they didn't realize the place is a swiss cheese of spider holes around the yard. I have some big honker tarantulas here. Biggest one I've ever seen was gecko hunting on the outside of my bathroom window screen in June.

Last night Dylan (age 13) came in and said "Mom, I killed this spider in my room and it must have been pregnant because all of a sudden there were all of these little baby spiders running all over the floor." It took a while to wipe up the dust, the water he'd sprayed to try to slow them, and the frisky spiderlings themselves. I think that's a wolf spider that lugs it's young around like that, though the nearly-departed (also slightly twitching) parent was not in a state for easy identification.

The wildlife starts moving around the property this time of year and some of it gets in the house. The cats usually take care of that. There was a dead gecko on the front porch a couple of nights ago, perhaps a casualty of the front door, and it was swarmed by ants. By morning the only thing in evidence was a slim little spine lying on the pavement.

All of this wildlife presence and examination is fine with the kids. (But don't tell them that I sometimes let the dogs lick off human plates and bowls--that would gross them out.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 11:24 AM

I think our large visitor was a yellow bellied water snake. It was more stinky than showing a mouth at me, but you know no snake likes to be messed with and any bite can hurt or become infected. I just give them all a wide berth and let them go in their way. Interesting TX snake photos.

The guys who put in the two heat pumps in this house back in 2002 told me one afternoon "we killed a cottonmouth in your yard. You gotta be careful living down here by the water." I walked over and found a poor tiny earth snake mangled but still slightly alive. I put it out of it's misery and asked the guys to leave my critters alone. Good thing they didn't realize the place is a swiss cheese of spider holes around the yard. I have some big honker tarantulas here. Biggest one I've ever seen was gecko hunting on the outside of my bathroom window screen in June.

Last night Dylan (age 13) came in and said "Mom, I killed this spider in my room and it must have been pregnant because all of a sudden there were all of these little baby spiders running all over the floor." It took a while to wipe up the dust, the water he'd sprayed to try to slow them, and the frisky spiderlings themselves. I think that's a wolf spider that lugs it's young around like that, though the nearly-departed (also slightly twitching) parent was not in a state for easy identification.

The wildlife starts moving around the property this time of year and some of it gets in the house. The cats usually take care of that. There was a dead gecko on the front porch a couple of nights ago, perhaps a casualty of the front door, and it was swarmed by ants. By morning the only thing in evidence was a slim little spine lying on the pavement.

All of this wildlife presence and examination is fine with the kids. (But don't tell them that I sometimes let the dogs lick off human plates and bowls--that would gross them out.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 11:41 AM

That doesn't happen often any more. It gave me the error message when I sent it earlier. I don't think I'll torture a clone to come in and remove the redundant post. It just boosts us closer to another big number that much sooner. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 12:39 PM

Doesn't matter. It was worth saying twice, unlike most of the utter rubbish I come out with.

Now all I need is the people downstairs to stay on holiday for a while longer. It seems to be the only way to practice step dancing without being really anti-social to them....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 01:22 PM

In the home-news department I have been lugging big rocks from a huge bin that was delivered on our driveway and building from them a compressed gravel and stone footer for a wall that curves around the Buddha to the waterfall. It is going to look vurry nice when finished. The plumbing for the waterfall is in and the footer and part of the first course is complete. Buddha, who came from the jungles of Bali where he had been resting for centuries, smiles benevolently. He is a 600-pound stone carved head, his hair ringletted in the Burmese style, very tranquil. The wall on his right side as you face him from the patio will be balanced by the small waterfall on his left; with plantings and all it will make a loverly spot for decompressing in.

Inisde, half the house is still roaring with blowers and dehumidifiers which are sucking the moisture out of rooms that were flooded late last week when a hose connect burst and left a spray running through one of the bedroom windows. I suppose we were just acting out of sympathy for New Orleans or something. Ruined two rooms and half the living room carpeting. Everything is of course at sixes and sevens and the circuit breakers keep popping from the load of the dehumidifiers. The rooms are baking at 95% but the humidity in them has been coming down nicely and it should all be over today. Then we get to see how much of the house the insurance company will put right.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 28 Sep 05 - 10:26 AM

Back up to the top, Mom! Sorry about Amos dropping that honking big rock on your foot. He didn't mean it, I'm sure. At least it was just your foot - the 'Cat was knocked flat for almost a day!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Sep 05 - 10:45 AM

Wal, now the blowers and dehumidifiers are all gone and the rock wall marches ahead handsomely -- two-thirds of the first course are laid in. This is a fun project.

In other news, scientists have discovered that using nano-particle assembly methods they can create Janus molecules --two-faced molecular-scale objects which have the characteristics of one molecule on one side and a different molecule on the other side.

Looks like we are going to transform the periodic table into our own image. Hmmmmmmm..... :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 28 Sep 05 - 10:50 AM

I believe they have a much more ambitious plan for the periodic table, Amos. rumour hath it that they plan to rewqork it as a complete set of Presidential busts. Hydrogen will be reworked to resemble George Washington, Helium John Adams, etc....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Sep 05 - 10:56 AM

title for a book ...


"Graffetti on the Periodic Table"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 28 Sep 05 - 12:57 PM

We all know what it would say as well.

Gluon was here


Gluon is clever enough to make the book move just like that...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 06:13 AM

The Idiotic Table of the Elements


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 10:27 AM

I like the uncyclopedia! But they mispelled Gluon in the idiotic table - and they define him totally wrong!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 10:52 AM

I don't care what anyone says, THIS is the periodic table for me!

[sigh!] My children have learned to sing this along at the same pace. I'm lucky if I can get the first and last words of each line.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 12:02 PM

Children are always doing stuff like that -- being faster, more knoweldgeable and more observant than their tired, responsible parents. It's a trick -- they do it to make us feel bad and to rub in their youth.

Don't fall for it!!! LOL


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 01:03 PM

Well, I'm mostly sober right now. I figured I'd let y'all know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 01:23 PM

Amos, are you sure Gluon and Boson weren't charging around (pun intended!) in your yard and ran into that spigot?

My girls are now integrated into a single unit: the backyard dogs who hang out at 5812. No longer are they the dog in the sunroom and the dog in the yard, who wiggled and licked through fences, grates, and cage wires to get their noses together. They had several important meetings yesterday, in which I seemed to be a dog magnet. They kept charging around and slamming into me. Anyway, now they're just a pair of very truthful sleeping dogs out on the back patio.

(You know what they say--sleeping dogs don't lie!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 04:10 PM

Well, I been readin' Paul Dirac and all the stuff he wrote 'bout Aunty Particles. Seems to me that ever since ol' Gluon and Boson come inta being, there's been an Aunty Gluoon and Aunty Boson too. Just liek there's an Aunty Stilly and an Aunty Amos and even an Aunty Rapaire. So, iffen say Gluon was rompin' 'round in the 12th dimension one day and happened to collide (like puppies will) with his poor old Aunty, why there'd be a blowup the likes ain't been seen since Sparklin' Water Bill clumb the hills west of town and set off a case of giant powder to celebrate the birth of his kid to Jennie McNasty back in 1889. Poor ol' Gluon and his Aunty would no longer exist, natcherly, and the raidyashun would jist pizen all the other dimensions.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 10:04 PM

Rapaire, this is OLD OLD news. Everyone has heard of Amos 'n Aunty.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 10:55 PM

Well, that explains a lot. Often wondered how that tornado was powerful enough to send Dorothy and that house all the way to Oz. It wasn't the tornado at all! It was the explosion that resulted when Em collided with Aunty Em! Heck, it's a wonder the house stopped at Oz! It should have been blown all the way to the Orion Nebula!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 11:05 PM

I used to believe that Oz had to be smackdab in the middle of the Sahara desert; but when I came to man's estate I spent some time working in Rabat, and the King of Morocco, Hassan the Second, rest his charmed soul, assured me there was no such sub-kingdom in the Sahara. So I am convinced now that Oz might just well BE in the Orion nebula. It has always been a cantankerous nebula, as these things go. Ya think that might be why? All that magic raising havoc with the discreet energy levels, queering the quarks and hammering the hadrons and all.

You may just be on to something, pal.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 11:15 PM

It doesn't have a thing to do with any ol' nebulas. It has to do with Sirius, the "Dog Star." Why else would these darned dogs keep smudging my glasses and knocking them off my face? There aren't exposions going on out there, you're just getting too close to these pooches.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 12:08 AM

And Toto too!

Stilly, perhaps it would help if you were to read to the dogs. Yes! Read them Clifford Simak's City!


(Brief synopsis just in case there's anyone in the world who's never read it...)

CITY was first published in 1952.

In a distant future, Earth is ruled by dogs. They are able to speak and they like to study the old legends describing a world ruled by Humans. These legends, that cover thousands of years, are about the Webster family who produced an impressive number of scientists and politicians during the course of time. They are also about Jenkins, a robot who served all the Websters who lived in the family home.

After having found a way to produce food for the entire population and master the atomic energy, Humans had started to leave the cities and to live without central governments. Later, when the first pioneers found out that life on Jupiter, after the necessary and adequate physical conditioning, was way better than on Earth, the whole population left the Earth, leaving it to mutants and homeless robots. Anticipating the inevitable decline of the human race, the scientist Jon Webster modified then the vocal cords of the dogs, trained them and asked Jenkins the robot to look after them in the future in order that the dogs avoid making the errors the human civilization did.


Synopsis by Daniel Staebler at www.allscifi.com. If you don't like the way it's written, don't come gunnin' for me.

One thing the reviewer doesn't mention is the idea of the "cobbly worlds" that are off-limits to human perception but of which dogs are fully aware. When multiple dogs begin howling or barking for no apparent reason it's because of something happening in the cobbly worlds. That's the part Stilly's dogs would really enjoy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 10:02 AM

They already do that. But before I read them your recommended book, I'm going to read them your essay from a while back. I envision them sprawled in the patio chairs, tongues lolling, laughing their asses off:

    Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
    From: Bee-dubya-ell - PM
    Date: 02 Dec 04 - 03:25 PM

    As some of you folks of above average deductive powers may have deduced, the "Zeke Floyd" posts made to this and other threads are totally bogus, spurious and fraudulent. Yes, I posted those messages! However, they are based upon fact. There really is a Zeke Floyd! I have actually met the man! I was so impressed, if that's the appropriate word, that I felt compelled to create a "Zeke Floyd" alter-ego and bring him to life here on the MOAB. Yet, as is often the case, truth is stranger than fiction and I am pleased to present the following true story of my experience with Zeke Floyd and his dogs.   

    As I was returning from my latest road trip, I noticed two dogs, a yellow female and a black and tan male, on the shoulder of the road a few hundred feet north of our driveway. When I stopped to check the mailbox the dogs must have thought I had stopped to interact with them in some fashion because they came loping down the road and up to the van as if they were expecting something. Having no use for dogs, I told them to get the hell away. I then drove down my quarter-mile-long driveway to the house and began unloading a few things from the van. So, what should appear in a few moments, snooping around and scaring my cats? You guessed it, the very same two dogs. I again told them to scram, whereupon they ran about fifty feet away and lie down in the middle of the driveway.

    Now, the road trip from which I had returned had been replete with dogs: my stepson's two exceedingly rambunctious half-grown Labradors, my parents' obsessive-compulsive dachshund, and my daughter's long-haired Chihuahua puppy which lives in her purse. I was completely dogged out and in the mood for feline companionship and these two strays had decided to take over my yard, sending my cats onto rooftops and into trees. It appeared that dogs had become part of my recent karma and that the karmic debt had not yet been paid in full.

    I was actively bemoaning my apparent fate when I noticed that the yellow female was wearing a collar. "Aha!" I thought to myself, "A collar means an owner, so these are lost dogs, not strays. All I need to do is contact the owner and he'll come get 'em." So, I attempted to coax the collar-wearing bitch to me so I could see if the collar had a tag with the owner's name and phone number. She came within a few feet and I could see a brass nameplate on the collar, but she wouldn't come quite close enough for me to actually grab the collar and read the thing. We played the approach-avoidance game for about fifteen minutes until I was actually able to grab the collar and read the name "Zeke Floyd" followed by a phone number. So, I went inside, called Mr. Floyd, and told him where his dogs could be found.

    Now, another thing I had done on that road trip from which I had just returned, in addition to visiting relatives with dogs, was to visit the Salvador Dali Museum in St. Petersburg, Florida. That brief but total immersion into the world of Surrealism couldn't hold a candle to the surreal scene that unfolded when Zeke Floyd came to get his dogs.

    The sun had gone down and darkness was upon the face of the homestead. I was outside with a flashlight so I could make sure Zeke's dogs didn't decide to go visit some other fool's place now that their owner was on his way to relieve me of them. I heard a vehicle in the driveway, saw headlights coming around the final curve and was greeted by the sight, sound and smell of a mid-1960's Dodge pickup truck with rattling body panels and clattering valve lifters emitting a cloud of noxious oily blue smoke. The driver didn't turn the engine off, presumably because he wasn't sure the thing would crank back up if he did so. The driver's side door creaked open and Zeke Floyd himself stepped out into the oil-smoke-impregnated atmosphere, carrying a ten-foot length of manilla rope in his right hand. If you want to know what Zeke looks like, just go to the "Kenny Tague" post below, click on the picture link, and imagine what Kenny would look like if he were sixty-five years old and had no teeth. "Howdy!" I said to Zeke in my best attempt at neighborliness, only to be totally ignored as he lunged for the yellow dog which skillfully squirmed away from his grasp. If I had been entertaining visions of some kind of happy reunion between adoring, trusting canines and their loving master, they were quickly put to rest. It was obvious that the dogs liked Zeke a lot less than they liked me, which was none at all. "Dammit, dawg!" Zeke hollered as he watched both his missed target and its companion run off down the driveway. He then climbed back into his smoking truck, nearly backed it into my own much newer and non-smoking Dodge pickup, and roared off down the driveway, never having acknowledged my existence in any fashion.      

    Well, I thought I'd seen the last of Zeke and his dogs at that point, but almost as soon as I had walked into the house I heard Zeke's truck heading back up the driveway. I stepped back outside, popped the flashlight back on, and there were the dogs again, having doubled back and given Zeke the slip. So a few seconds later the old Dodge slid back into the yard, Zeke jumped out and lunged for the yellow bitch again and, this time, snagged her by the collar. He proceeded to drag the whining dog to the back of the truck where he opened the tailgate and attempted to open the door of a plastic pet-carrier he had brought along. Since he couldn't let go of the struggling dog, I volunteered to get the carrier door open for him and, as soon as it was open, Zeke began trying to stuff the Labrador-sized dog into a the Spaniel-sized carrier. The entire operation was complicated by the fact that, during the time we'd been struggling with the pet-carrier door, the male dog had been overcome by a bout of lust and was busily screwing the bitch for all he was worth. Dogs! There he was, in a noisy, smoke-filled, tumultuous atmosphere, being recaptured by someone he obviously despised, and instead of hauling ass off into the woods where freedom was his for the taking, he decided to take the opportunity to knock off a piece while ol' Zeke held it by the collar. Talk about thinking with your dick!

    Anyway, Zeke separated the two dogs, stuffed the female into the undersized carrier, and grabbed the black and tan male by the scruff of the neck. I was expecting him to tie the second dog to the truck in some fashion or, maybe, put it up front in the cab with himself. But, no, he opened the pet-carrier door again and began stuffing the second dog into the already overstuffed plastic box. He got the critter in there somehow and closed the door, but sardines in a tin have never been packed tighter than those two dogs were. Then Zeke got back into his truck, nearly backed into my own truck again, and roared off down the driveway, never having spoken to me, made eye contact, nor uttered a word other than "dammit" and "dawg" the entire time he'd been there.

    And ya'll know this story's gotta be the truth 'cause I don't have a vivid enough imagination to make this kinda shit up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 03:54 PM

Amos, you've been scarce lately. A whole day has passed since we saw your face here. What's up--are your house and restoring things after a major flood more important than MOAB? What kind of priorities are those?

(I hope things dried quick enough to avoid mildew!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 05:36 PM

Mildew is the normal state of San Diego. It provides them with great pleasure, watching it spread. There are also the mildew races at the local track -- the trifecta is particularily well thought of, I'm told.

I learned all of this from my nephew, late of the US Marine Corps, who trained in San Diego. He also had other things to say about the place which I will not repeat because of their scurrilous, ribald, and blatantly impossible nature.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 05:55 PM

If mildew is the natural state of San Diego, then what is the natural state of MOAB?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 08:50 PM

The natural state of the MOAB is Arkansas. That's not to say that it's MOAB's only state, it's just the only natural one. There are an untold number of unnatural states in which the MOAB also exists, but you'll need to talk with Gluon about those.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 09:57 PM

I was in an unnatural state once, but a few years of therapy straightened me right out and made me what I am today.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 11:13 PM

I apologize to your near-sighted, narrowminded jughead relative for any slight out fair city may have handed hi while he was in basic training, Rapaire.

As for mildew, you have it all wrong. We are essentially a desert environment blessed with sweet mists from the sea in early mornings and modern plumbing and irrigatijon, with stout mountains to the east, and lovely sea-currents running along our western borders. Mildew is for more tropical climes.

The flood was handled rapidly -- four days of dehumidifiers and giant blowers running day and night left the house as crisp as a zwieback. Now we have to figure out how to get it all put back together. Thank god for insurance, is all I can say.

I haven't had much spare time the last week. I have been hammering out guides to the care and use of fancy polyphonic receivers used in detecting underground pipes, wires and the like, eleven hours a day; in the evenings I have succeeded in finishing the base course and footer-layer of the wall that will be blending in with my waterfall when all is done. My hands are covered with stonedust and flecks of mortar. I ache like an octogenarian acrobat in a Massachusetts old-folks home in November. But the stones are slowly learning to go where I send them.

ANyway, as you can see I have made the error of letting too much reality slip into my timeline and will have to get some BS exchangers to re-balance the ficton load in my immediate vicinity. Forgive my apparent reticence; I could not love thee half so much, dear Mother, loved I not honor more.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 01:07 AM

In other words, Amos will be back full time once he gets his rocks off (of his hands, that is).

So obvious! Hardly worth sending that one, aimed at jr high school level. See how desperate Friday nights have become!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 07:53 AM

I tries talking to Gluon about the un-natural staes of MOAB. As a result, I am now waiting for therapy. The doctors tell me my legs should work fine in a few months time, but I may now set off airport X-ray machines due to the exotic properties of a gluon bite. I should also probably stay clear of major centres of goverment etc, as I could register as a Nuclear device in the wrong weather.
I am considering a cure involving Boson, to try and reverse some of these effects, but am not optimistic about either the treatment, or the probability of sucess. It also means I have to track down the animal in the first place. I have heard reports that it has been seen in New York. This is not useful.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 09:32 AM

It's easy to attract an animal like that, but you'll need a little site preparation.

Has it rained lately where you live? If not, get out the sprinkler, and water well a patch of ground where you will put this trap. Then get out your spade fork and dig it up just as if you're putting in a garden. All dug up, go to your local nursery and find yourself an array of fall plants and a bag of mulch, and go plant that garden. Here's the trick: Don't put a fence around it. That dog will turn up soon enough to dig up your garden. If you're lucky, the plant roots will still hold their boxy shape from the container they came in and if they haven't been pulverized in the process you can stick them back in the dirt again after you capture Boson.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 10:37 AM

Has it rained recently? Well, not really. It rained last night, but this is Scotland, so unless it is raining at this moment, it's not rained recently.

I don't have a garden. I do need to pot up some of the house plants though. You think that'll do? I'll leave some saugages out as well, to be sure. I'll dig a big pit in front of them and cover it over with some loose carpet. I think the people downstairs are away, so they won't notice a hole in their ceiling.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 10:59 AM

Unless he kills them off with Bosonic vinegar...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 11:03 AM

I shall not comment, not indulge in this punfest. I got self-control, I do.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 11:13 AM

I don't have any self control. Apparently this is a problem....

I do have a Peter Bellamy CD on. This may also be problem. Some of the keys could cause difficulties to any creature with sensitive hearing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 10:49 PM

Is that the one where he sings about himself? Bellamy, Bellamy Mucho?

Gluon brought me that CD for my birthday last month but I am damned if I know which universe he got it in!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 08:53 AM

That's Walt Whitman's Song of Myself, Amos. It's one of those golden oldies. It's on his first album, A Whitman Sampler. It's a bit too sweet for my taste.


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