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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 AM
Rapparee 05 Mar 07 - 09:03 AM
MMario 05 Mar 07 - 09:16 AM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 09:59 AM
Acme 05 Mar 07 - 10:18 AM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 PM
MMario 05 Mar 07 - 12:40 PM
Rapparee 05 Mar 07 - 12:42 PM
MMario 05 Mar 07 - 12:49 PM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 01:36 PM
Amos 05 Mar 07 - 08:35 PM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 12:18 AM
Rapparee 06 Mar 07 - 08:55 AM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 12:00 PM
Amos 06 Mar 07 - 12:12 PM
Amos 06 Mar 07 - 01:11 PM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 01:35 PM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 04:00 PM
Amos 06 Mar 07 - 04:14 PM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 04:42 PM
Amos 06 Mar 07 - 04:47 PM
Rapparee 06 Mar 07 - 05:04 PM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 10:27 PM
Rapparee 06 Mar 07 - 10:50 PM
Donuel 06 Mar 07 - 10:53 PM
Acme 06 Mar 07 - 11:06 PM
Amos 07 Mar 07 - 01:21 AM
Rapparee 07 Mar 07 - 09:31 AM
Amos 07 Mar 07 - 10:06 AM
Acme 07 Mar 07 - 10:43 AM
Amos 07 Mar 07 - 10:56 AM
Amos 07 Mar 07 - 12:37 PM
MMario 07 Mar 07 - 12:48 PM
Acme 07 Mar 07 - 12:54 PM
Amos 07 Mar 07 - 01:05 PM
MMario 07 Mar 07 - 01:09 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 07 - 01:19 PM
MMario 07 Mar 07 - 01:23 PM
Acme 07 Mar 07 - 02:42 PM
Little Hawk 07 Mar 07 - 02:52 PM
Amos 07 Mar 07 - 03:06 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 07 - 04:38 PM
Acme 07 Mar 07 - 05:13 PM
Acme 07 Mar 07 - 05:13 PM
Acme 07 Mar 07 - 05:14 PM
Acme 07 Mar 07 - 05:14 PM
Amos 07 Mar 07 - 05:26 PM
Rapparee 07 Mar 07 - 09:52 PM
Rapparee 08 Mar 07 - 09:28 AM
Amos 08 Mar 07 - 09:36 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 AM

More modest than gourds, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 09:03 AM

Out here, when a man moves to Idaho he's automatically issued a horn from a Texas Longhorn. Well, two really -- one for everyday and a second for formal wear.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 09:16 AM

Take no scorn to wear the horn,
for Aubergines with horns were born
Your father's father ate them
and your father ate them too!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 09:59 AM

I've seen men fit their manly forms
With codpiece, gourdand cattle horns.
But I declare, I've never seen
A "tool" bedecked with aubergine.

(Kinda brings the term "eggplant" into a new light, dunnit?)

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 10:18 AM

What timing! I was going to put this in my "I Read it in the Newspaper" thread, but it fits here perfectly:

Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent
March 05, 2007

BERLIN - Three teenagers may be on the hook for a hefty fine if a court decides that their festive firecrackers outside an eastern German farm scared the libido right out of an ostrich named Gustav. Rico Gabel, a farmer in Lohsa, northeast of Dresden, is claiming $6,450 in damages for the alleged antics of the three youths, ages 17-18, between Dec. 27 and 29, 2005. According to his lawsuit, the farmer claims that fireworks set off by the boys made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform for a half-a-year with his two female breeding partners.

Before Gustav regained his sex drive in the second half of the year, the farmer estimates he lost out on 14 ostrich offspring - worth $460 apiece.

The suit is due to be heard next Monday in a regional court in nearby Bautzen, the court said Monday. The teenagers' names were not released.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:34 PM

I want Big Bird Viagara
Oh, Big Bird Viagara,
Big Bird Viagara,
Fast as light and strong as hell.

Gimme Big Bird Viagara!
Big Bird Viagara!
Big Bird VIagara!
To make my ostrich well.

Swell, swell, swell!
Make my ostrich well.

Them idle-handed no-good slackers
Settin' off them firecrackers,
Blew my emu's self-esteem,
Sixteen ways to hell.
So I want Big Bird VIagara
Big Bird Viagara
Gimme Big Bird Viagara,
To make my Ostrich well.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:40 PM

truth be told - Gustav was just exhausted.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:42 PM

Gimme that old time Viagra
Gimme that old time Viagra
Gimme that old time Viagra
It's good enough for me.

It was good enough for Abraham
It was good enough for Abraham
It was good enough for Abraham
And it's good enough for me
(CH)

It was good enough for Solomon
etc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 12:49 PM

Gimmee that old time Viagra
Gimmee that old time Viagra
Gimmee that old time Viagra
it's good enough for me...

But it wasn't for old Priapus
Who never didn't have it up
So he left it for the rest of us
and that's good enough for me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 01:36 PM

Those forefathers bold, who all begat,
They never wore no damned French hat,
They all begat like Old Niagara
Without a dose of damn Viagra.

They reproduced, and knew just why,
The Lord said, "Go, and multiply"
And men of plughs, and men of sword,
Knew better than to cross the Lord.

So when their damsels cried for rest,
Six tykes to feed, and one at breast,
Those olden patriarchs replied,
"Lie down, Betsy -- God knows best!"

But now that Godhood's out of favor
Their lives have earned a betterflavor,
Life with less stress, is somewhat sweeter
Thanks to gun-powder and saltpetre.

So now the men sit 'round and schmoose
And sing them Hesitation Blues,
The ladies steal those Viagra pills,
And feed them to them poor E-muze.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 08:35 PM

Ok, ok, I'll stop writing about that sort of stuff, but be nice to your Mom.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 12:18 AM

MOM is just scratching her head in amazement at the volume, quality, and volubility of her boys this week. Must be something she put in their oatmeal for breakfast.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 08:55 AM

Mom, last night at fencing I was in three bouts. I lost two of them, so I would have had 13 holes in me if we would have been using pointy swords instead of blunted epees. I won the last one 5-3, but the lost the other first two 3-5 and 4-5. All of my inside liquids would have leaked out, Mom, and made a real mess on the gym floor and they probably would have made me clean it up before I went to the hospital or the funeral home. Back in the Old Days I understand that corks were required equipment in your fencing bag.

Nowadays we barely have a first aid kit.

'Tis not as deep as a well nor as wide as a church door, but 'twil serve, 'twil serve. Ask for me tomorrow and you will find me a grave man.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 12:00 PM

When you go out for a pint, you need the help of Nurse Ratched, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 12:12 PM

THis is exactly why I think you should stick to Crayola, Rapaire. No sharp edges. And colorful!! !


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 01:11 PM

The polar cow I've never seen
Subsists on sautéed aubergine,
And feeds his yen for deeper feeling,
By licking old library ceilings.
Now of these myths, is born a fusion,
Which to my heart brings harsh contusion,
And to mine 'umble friends,
Confusion.

Wilma Quartside Mantaray
Kitchen Humming Songs
Betty Crocker Publications,
Edmond, MI, 1959


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 01:35 PM

I'm thinking of the day my mother decided to have a group of professional cleaners come into the house and wash down the walls and ceiling in the kitchen. We had high gloss enamel, and she was a heavy smoker. It was as good as any of those commercials where they wipe a path through the grime--the paint under the smoke was many shades lighter than the sepia colored walls we'd been looking at for years. With each pass of the sponge with heavy-duty cleaner and the room lightened. But to taste it? Uggg.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 04:00 PM

It's quiet here today. You must all have JOBS or something. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 04:14 PM

Oy, have you got that right!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 04:42 PM

Our world has shifted today! Gluon, come curl up and stay put a while, and think about your friend Jean Baudrillard. Perhaps Mickey Mouse and his Disney friends also should pull up a footstool and thin about all they owe to Jean.


French philosopher Jean Baudrillard dies

The Associated Press
Tuesday, March 6, 2007

PARIS: French philosopher Jean Baudrillard, a social theorist known for his provocative commentaries on consumerism, excess and what he said was the disappearance of reality, died Tuesday, his publishing house said. He was 77.

Baudrillard died at his home in Paris, said Michel Delorme of the Galilee publishing house. He died after a "long illness," Delorme said, a term that in France most often means cancer.

The two men had worked together since the publication in 1977, when "Oublier Foucault" (Forget Foucault) was published, one of some 30 books by Baudrillard, Delorme said by telephone.

Among his last published books was "Cool Memories V," in 2005.

Baudrillard, a sociologist by training, is perhaps best known for his concepts of "hyperreality" and "simulation."

"We lose a great creator," Education Minister Gilles de Robien said. "Jean Baudrillard was one of the great figures of French sociological thought."

Born in June 20, 1979, in Reims, west of Paris, Baudrillard, the son of civil servants, began a long teaching career instructing high school students in German. After receiving a doctorate in sociology, he taught at the University of Paris in Nanterre.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 04:47 PM

Toujours les dommages continuent, d'antan jus'qu'e demain.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 05:04 PM

Reality disappeared long, long ago -- at least for me. Now I revel in unreality, which is my reality.

Unreal, huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 10:27 PM

sniff

No takers on my Baudrillard thread. I thought for sure Little Hawk or Bill D or BWL might offer some profound observations. Even Amos or Rapaire. Or Nerd. Nope. Nada so far.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 10:50 PM

...the disappearance of reality...

HE wasn't the first to recognize that, I was. I said so earlier. Me. Not this French cat, me. Out here in Idaho, which is about as unreal as you can get.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 10:53 PM

Stilly, They are seldom out of their gourds.

Still a straight hollow gourd like that might make for a better aim and cleaner bathroom for kids.

but what to call it on the shopping channel, hmmm


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 11:06 PM

Get whiplash at the speed topics shift around here. . . it never pays to turn your back to the veggies. . .

Don, would you believe, you can buy those on eBay. I saw several when I was searching for images. I'm not kidding.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 01:21 AM

I think pére Baudrillard has migrated out of his gourd, though, back to a first-order simalucrum of reality nested in his gentle spiritual bosom.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 09:31 AM

Dear Mom,

I said nice things about Amos in another thread today. And you know what, Mom? Amos sure doesn't steal much for such a nice guy. And when he's sober he's...well, when he's sober he's not drunk! When I met him I noticed that he doesn't play with himself much in public anymore, either. But on that other thread I said even nicer things about him.

Betcha he can't find it!!!

Your Favorite (or Favourite) kid,

Rapaire


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 10:06 AM

You mean this one?

I only post to threads to which Amos has posted first. Amos is my beacon, my guiding light, the lighthouse which prevents me from crashing upon the rocks and shoals, my leader, my hope, the star by which I navigate. There is no one like Amos, who watches over me and insures that I follow in the Paths of Righteousness and Goodness all the days of my life.

Either that or the thread must be interesting. I'm not all that interested in topics like "The US Being Awful To Iraqis" or "Bush Is A Lying Wuss" or "The US, UK, EU and Canada Suck Ditch Water and the Aussies Stink Too."


I am really glad you finally got to say what you really feel, Rapaire...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 10:43 AM

So why, when we come to this juncture in the conversation, do the Google ads offer "Erectile Dysfunction News" and "Avoid Premature Stamina."

Avoid Premature Stamina? Who in the hell writes these things? Does that idiocy clear the filters and let school children read this in a Google ad?

Premature Stamina. The mind boggles.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 10:56 AM

Well, I think there have been some examples of premature stamina in this very thread, Stilly! There ahe been, for example, assertions of being God and being able to outwrassle alligators and out dance Mike Fink and outrun the wind. It is a self-induced state of apparent psychological strength and ability to endure long exertion down a path that was totally fictitious in the first place. A puffing up, preparatory to engaging a battle that was never going to happen. A splattering of imaginary testosterone, if you will...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 12:37 PM

At sixteen-four and eight-six
The watchers came alive.
"If they post fourteen times, this thread
Will get to sixteen five!!"
The MOABITES they smiled, they laughed,
It saw no contest there;
They knew that fourteen posts were like
The wafting of a hair.
The light would twinkle once, and then
The count would roll around.
There was no doubt a-haunting them;
They stood on certain ground.
And as the numbers trickled in,
The media gasped and roared,
First one--a lonely poem -- came in,
Then two, then three -- then four.
We knew the outcome warn't in doubt,
We knew how lay the land.
We knew we'd see sixteen-five laid out,
And we'd head fer seventeen grand.

Alex Smart
Wise Acres In a Foolish Land
Hardover and Tacking, Wet Rail Publications
Greenwish Village, 1938


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 12:48 PM

Hi there MOM! We had another snow day this week - this one more due to wind and chill factor and blowing snow and white outs then actual snowfall - but I ended up staying at a niece's much closer to work then home- and her husband ended up staying at his brother-in-laws in my hometoown...so we at least kept the world balanced....because they went and closed the roads. Since it probably would have taken four or more hours to get home anyway, I much more enjoyed snuggling with the great nieces. That was the night before the actual snow day...

it still took an extra hour after the storm warnings came down to drive home yesterday - and I went back to sleep; such a great wintertime activity, sleep.

have to w*rk today though. yuck. Why can't I get paid for *NOT* working? That would be much more fun.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 12:54 PM

It is March now, MMario. Haven't you made a big deal about it so the weather comes around to behaving itself? Get out your gardening tools or something. The wading pool for the kids. Show some intent.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 01:05 PM

Spring-like balm intermingled with a bit of cill, occasional showers. I even have to wear a jacket sometimes in the early morning. Teejus, innit?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 01:09 PM

gee willikers - that's what we do in MAY - when we can (almost) count on the temperature staying above 32 degrees F. We won't mention the infamous Mother's Day Blizzard, or the not infrequent killing frosts that we have been known to get in May.

Haven't seen hide nor hair of any of our *local* groundhogs yet so far this year...and given the snowcover their tracks would be highly visible not to mention their holes if they burrowed up through the snow. And we normally have a LOT of groundhogs.

Did you know they are the largest member of the marmot family?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 01:19 PM

Out here, we're enjoying spring-like balm intermingled with a bit of krill.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 01:23 PM

Oh kill in balm, oh Krill in balm
how springlike are thy brunches...







I'll get my hat...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 02:42 PM

and your coat and your snowshoes, sounds like!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 02:52 PM

No groundhog has shown his face around here. We're socked in with snow and frigid temperatures.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 03:06 PM

(Shakes head sympathetically and goes out for a stroll in his shirtsleeves along the green lawns at work.)


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 04:38 PM

(He leans back in his chair and looks out the window at the budding trees contrasting with the snow-clad mountains and pours himself another cup of coffee [Lodge Blend, from Heritage Coffee Company in Juneau, Alaska}).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 05:13 PM

I sat on the front porch and enjoyed the sun for a while with the dogs today.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 05:13 PM

In addition to not getting upset about our enjoyment of sunshine, you shouldn't try to diagram that sentence, either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 05:14 PM

Or you'll just get upset


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 05:14 PM

about numerous things


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 05:26 PM

ANd now the count is sixteen five!
Yon Stilly rode 'em hard,
To ramp up such a slough of posts,
While sitting in her yard.
But cooly, cooly made her bid,
And cooly played her hand,
And the sons of Mom smile with aplomb --
They're in for seventeen grand.

Oh the souls are strange on the MOAB range,
Where the skies run high and far,
And you never know where you're gonna go
Hitched up to the MOAB star.
But throw misgivings to the past,
And for the future, stand;
Get a feeling for the Great Thread wheeling
West past seventeen grand.

Maybe bold Rapaire will take her there,
With his borrowed rhymes and punctures!
Or perhaps old Bunn will be the one,
To dive in at the vital juncture.
It could be some star from a corner bar,
Or a road-worn carny hand.
But whoever 'tis, just be sure of this:
She's heading for seventeen grand.

Dorrit Micawber Hernandez
The Climb of Nonsense and Other Stories
Algonquin Press, New York, 1928


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 07 - 09:52 PM

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me, from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, and it's him who wets the bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow -
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so doggone drunk I can't find him at all!

He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd like to stick to Kathy, tho', like shadow sticks to me!

One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I 'rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy head,
Had stayed at home behind me and I found him later, dead.

            --Robert Louis Svensen, "A Child's Garden of Manure"
             (Mayo, YT: Friz Press Press), 1813


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Mar 07 - 09:28 AM

Mom! You're alone and palely loitering among the sedge! Am I the only one who cares???? Let me help you get back, get back to where you once belonged. That's it...here's a nice cup of tea, just as you like it, with honey and lemon and a drop of whisky to keep away the dew. And do try one of these raspberry scones; I made them myself just for you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Mar 07 - 09:36 AM

Plagiarize!
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
And plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!

(Tom Lehrer)


Some day, in the pre-dawn dark, when the rest of the world is asleep, yon Rapaire will be rudely awoken by a loud knock on his door.

There will be no trial, nor jury. The sentencing will be swift, the punishment brutal and ugly.

Oh, I know, it's not his fault. There are psychological reasons; his brain overflows with others' words, and he must relieve the pressure somehow. It's the price of serving in the Great Librarian Army, the invisible but mighty force that stands like a bulwark between America and the encroaching forces of illiteracy and stupidity. A slipping, decaying bulwark, perhaps, but a bulwark still. An occupational hazard, a sacrifice for the Greater Good of Man. Rapaire is an instrument of Literacy and a simple vessel for Knowledge, and if the vessel overflows and its contents occasionaly stain the carpet or ruin the electronics, how small a price for the glory of his larger mission?

But brutal, all this notwithstanding, it shall be.

A


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