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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Donuel 15 Sep 08 - 04:03 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 05:52 PM
Amos 15 Sep 08 - 10:51 PM
Acme 16 Sep 08 - 12:15 AM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 09:11 AM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 09:39 AM
Acme 16 Sep 08 - 10:38 AM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 11:25 AM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 12:55 PM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 12:57 PM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 06:08 PM
Little Hawk 16 Sep 08 - 06:15 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 07:22 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 07:35 PM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 08:27 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 10:20 PM
Acme 16 Sep 08 - 10:27 PM
MMario 17 Sep 08 - 06:04 AM
Rapparee 17 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM
Little Hawk 17 Sep 08 - 01:11 PM
Amos 17 Sep 08 - 04:11 PM
Little Hawk 17 Sep 08 - 04:46 PM
Amos 17 Sep 08 - 05:18 PM
Acme 17 Sep 08 - 08:55 PM
Amos 17 Sep 08 - 11:02 PM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 12:17 AM
MMario 18 Sep 08 - 08:51 AM
Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 09:06 AM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 10:23 AM
Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 02:48 PM
MMario 18 Sep 08 - 02:53 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 02:55 PM
Acme 18 Sep 08 - 03:36 PM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 03:42 PM
MMario 18 Sep 08 - 03:45 PM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 04:13 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 05:09 PM
Acme 18 Sep 08 - 06:29 PM
Acme 18 Sep 08 - 06:58 PM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 07:59 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 11:04 PM
Acme 19 Sep 08 - 01:23 PM
Amos 19 Sep 08 - 01:55 PM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 08 - 02:27 PM
MMario 19 Sep 08 - 02:31 PM
Amos 19 Sep 08 - 03:40 PM
Rapparee 19 Sep 08 - 04:19 PM
Little Hawk 19 Sep 08 - 04:54 PM
Rapparee 19 Sep 08 - 05:21 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 04:03 PM

ptooooyey

last pun is a rotten egg.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 05:52 PM

As the short-order cook said as he cooked breakfasts, "Last one in is a rotten egg!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:51 PM

Ha!! Two-five-three-oh-SEVEN!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 12:15 AM

What are you at, Amos? Looks like a number shell game.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 09:11 AM

It's the number of brain cells he had left after surviving the Sixties. Now there are fewer, since he's also survived the Seventies, the Eighties, and the Nineties. Going into the Zeroes he had just the last number left, which is why he capitalized it.

By the way, he's now known around SoCal at "All Thumbs Amos" after that little problem with his new band saw.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 09:39 AM

My new bandsaw, sir, is purely vegetarian. It eats wood grain but no flesh.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:38 AM

"Out, Out - "

The buzz saw snarled and rattled in the yard
And made dust and dropped stove-length sticks of wood,
Sweet-scented stuff when the breeze drew across it.
And from there those that lifted eyes could count
Five mountain ranges one behing the other
Under the sunset far into Vermont.
And the saw snarled and rattled, snarled and rattled,
As it ran light, or had to bear a load.
And nothing happened: day was all but done.
Call it a day, I wish they might have said
To please the boy by giving him the half hour
That a boy counts so much when saved from work.
His sister stood beside him in her apron
To tell them "Supper." At the word, the saw,
As if it meant to prove saws know what supper meant,
Leaped out at the boy's hand, or seemed to leap -
He must have given the hand. However it was,
Neither refused the meeting. But the hand!
Half in appeal, but half as if to keep
The life from spilling. Then the boy saw all -
Since he was old enough to know, big boy
Doing a man's work, though a child at heart -
He saw all was spoiled. "Don't let him cut my hand off -
The doctor, when he comes. Don't let him, sister!"
So. The hand was gone already.
The doctor put him in the dark of ether.
He lay and puffed his lips out with his breath.
And then - the watcher at his pulse took a fright.
No one believed. They listened to his heart.
Little - less - nothing! - and that ended it.
No more to build on there. And they, since they
Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs.


By my old pal Robert Frost.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 11:25 AM

YEs, haunting. It has lain, buried but redolent, since I read it at school in those very Vermont hills, so many years ago.

But we don't go in for that kind of thing here in California. School shootings, drive-by shootings, Great White attacks, asphyxiating smog, bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper freeways, and madcap infatuations with fatuous dilettantes, yes. But manectomies by buzz-saw? No way. It would be bad for the environment, leaving bloodstains around.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 12:55 PM

Which is why I prefer using poison or a blunt instrument instead of a gun or knife. I get so depressed when I see the bloodstains of someone I had to kill, especially if it was a friend...and replacing the carpets gets sooooo expensive after a while....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 12:57 PM

It's nice to see such a green streak in one so murderously inclined, Rapaire.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 06:08 PM

On the other hand, one sees the same in certain green-scaled vipers in Southeast Asian jungles.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 06:15 PM

Chongo prefers to use guns. Knives are okay too, but he really likes the smell of gunsmoke. If all else fails, however, a good old-fashioned bludgeoning or throttling will do the job just fine. He would never poison someone. That's just plain sneaky and it's not really violent enough either to satisfy an ape of action like Chongo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 07:22 PM

A nice, slow-acting poison allows the recepient to croak several hours after administration, often in their own home. If you're smart it will biodegrade quickly and leave little or no trace for some smart-aleck forensic toxicologist to find. Most importantly, someone else has to deal with the mess of disposing of the body, cleaning up, and so on.

Throttling is okay too, as long as you tie off your victims pant legs at the ankle. Done correctly the hyoid bone might not even be broken.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 07:35 PM

I guess Chongo has never seen strychnine work.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 08:27 PM

No, but his little sister Chinga has...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:20 PM

Following the ingestion (swallowing) of strychnine, symptoms of poisoning usually appear within 15 to 60 minutes.
People exposed to low or moderate doses of strychnine by any route will have the following signs or symptoms:

    * Agitation
    * Apprehension or fear
    * Ability to be easily startled
    * Restlessness
    * Painful muscle spasms possibly leading to fever and to kidney and liver injury
    * Uncontrollable arching of the neck and back
    * Rigid arms and legs
    * Jaw tightness
    * Muscle pain and soreness
    * Difficulty breathing
    * Dark urine
    * Initial consciousness and awareness of symptoms

People exposed to high doses of strychnine may have the following signs and symptoms within the first 15 to 30 minutes of exposure:

    * Respiratory failure (inability to breathe), possibly leading to death
    * Brain death


'Tain't a purty way ta go, that's fer dang sure....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:27 PM

If you're smart it will biodegrade quickly and leave little or no trace for some smart-aleck forensic toxicologist to find.

Don't you think CSI is absolutely real? They can take a whiff of a whisper and have an immediate printout on their super fast computers. There is no chance for you to get away.
























Until the commercial break, anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 06:04 AM

BUT - with CSI if you are the FIRST person they go after, chances are you are innocent - because it always seems to be the SECOND person they look at this actually did it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM

You learn SO MUCH in libraries....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 01:11 PM

Chongo always says, "Get away? Why would I want to get away if it's justifiable homicide? That's the only kind I've ever done."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 04:11 PM

See, that's why he belongs int he White House, along with the other chimp. A common philosphy of crime bonds them together.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 04:46 PM

You're half right, anyway. That's an improvement, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 05:18 PM

And I notice your retort was not completely slow, and maybe even half fast, which is an improvement, Little Hawk.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 08:55 PM

Rap, thanks for sending along that recipe, but I think I'll pass over that one and use this one instead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 11:02 PM

Well, save some for Leedle Hack, who won't be on time for it because he so half-fast.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 12:17 AM

Oh!! Twenty-five THree THirty!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 08:51 AM

is your TH stuck, Amos?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 09:06 AM

That happened to me once. I had a stuck TH. It was pretty horrible. I'd type stuff like "THings wiTH THat THickness require THoughtful widTH and depTH measurement." People thought it was some sort of code; the FBI arrested me, NSA questioned me. You see, they had analyzed what I'd written and determined that I appeared to be passing on highly secret information, only they couldn't figure out what it was. They surfboarded me, forced me to eat McDonald's hamburgers PLAIN, made me sleep in a tiny cell with a nightlight on all the time, beat me at checkers, and did everything you can think of to gain the information they wanted. Finally I cracked; I simply couldn't take another minute of Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen." I told them that my TH was stuck and there was no information at all in what I was sending out.

Naturally they wouldn't accept that, and so they let me go with the warning that they "would be watching me." That was okay with me, because I'd given them Amos's name in the first place.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM

AH, that accounts for the sudden increase in royalties.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 10:23 AM

"..Oh, by the way, you should know who I really am. I'm Thor."

"YOU'RE Thor??? I can hardly WALK!!"



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 02:48 PM

Well, fortunately I got passt the TH problemss. No one sseems to be watching me (but Amoss might find a "sstranger sstanding by") and sso far I don't sseem to have any new problemss.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 02:53 PM

No problems except that pesky air leak, you mean? Don't let it go on too long or you'll start to wrinkle up like an old prune, and certain parts will just deflate and go limp.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 02:55 PM

Although...my telephone DOES sound funny....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 03:36 PM

A good hand pump air compressor will take care of that problem.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 03:42 PM

Hey! Rapaire needs to borrow a hand pump!! Anybody up for it?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 03:45 PM

MOM! Stilly is talking dirty!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 04:13 PM

Oooh!! A half of a double entendre!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 05:09 PM

Top half or bottom half?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 06:29 PM

You wish!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 06:58 PM

Be careful around here this afternoon, Mr. M. On another thread they're talking about "laying" (wink wink) a driveway and Bobert is talking about humping it, and well, lots of potential there for "dirty" talk also if they're not using concrete or asphalt.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 07:59 PM

YEah. Talking about them handpumps can make a call all perky.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 11:04 PM

Hand pumps? Hand pumps? I thought you said hand GUNS!! What are these "hand pumps"? Some kind of shoe for when you walk on your hands?

Sheesh....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 01:23 PM

No one could see MOM's shoes, her jeans were slipping. The sagging look isn't so great on women this age, even with a long top hiding the elastic waistband of her HanesHerWay.

Up you go!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 01:55 PM

SOmetimes its amazing how much lift a simple underwire can provide.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 02:27 PM

Persiflage. Spread across the greensward. Ankles not exposed. Behold the enchantment of the dawn and gawp in wonder.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 02:31 PM

LH - HOw the HECK are you viewing the wonders of the dawn at 2:27 in the afternoon?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 03:40 PM

He's a world-renowned time traveler in his own mind.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 04:19 PM

He's also a time-renowned traveler in his own world.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 04:54 PM

Please, MMario. That was poetic license. One is permitted to portray hypothetical situations when composing free verse. Besides, it's always dawn somewhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 05:21 PM

Not according to Dante and his "Inferno." Or Pope's "Dunciad."


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