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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

gnu 06 Dec 10 - 04:47 PM
Little Hawk 06 Dec 10 - 06:11 PM
Amos 06 Dec 10 - 07:25 PM
gnu 06 Dec 10 - 07:32 PM
Amos 06 Dec 10 - 07:32 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 10 - 09:41 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 10 - 10:28 PM
Little Hawk 07 Dec 10 - 12:03 AM
Rapparee 07 Dec 10 - 10:45 AM
Amos 07 Dec 10 - 11:27 AM
Little Hawk 07 Dec 10 - 12:48 PM
Amos 07 Dec 10 - 03:53 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 10 - 04:55 PM
Little Hawk 07 Dec 10 - 05:51 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 07 Dec 10 - 06:08 PM
Amos 07 Dec 10 - 07:18 PM
Eiseley 07 Dec 10 - 07:57 PM
Amos 07 Dec 10 - 08:37 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 10 - 10:30 PM
Amos 07 Dec 10 - 10:50 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 10 - 11:17 PM
Amos 07 Dec 10 - 11:38 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 08 Dec 10 - 12:24 AM
Acme 08 Dec 10 - 12:24 AM
Rapparee 08 Dec 10 - 10:00 AM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 10:30 AM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 11:05 AM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 11:05 AM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 11:06 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 08 Dec 10 - 12:59 PM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 01:42 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 08 Dec 10 - 06:13 PM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 07:31 PM
Acme 08 Dec 10 - 07:41 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 08 Dec 10 - 08:01 PM
gnu 08 Dec 10 - 08:42 PM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 08:52 PM
GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers 08 Dec 10 - 09:22 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 08 Dec 10 - 09:35 PM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 09:56 PM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 09:57 PM
Rapparee 08 Dec 10 - 10:10 PM
Amos 08 Dec 10 - 10:55 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 09 Dec 10 - 12:05 AM
Joe Offer 09 Dec 10 - 01:18 AM
Acme 09 Dec 10 - 07:21 AM
GUEST,Albert Schweitzer 09 Dec 10 - 09:05 AM
Amos 09 Dec 10 - 10:21 AM
Rapparee 09 Dec 10 - 10:26 AM
Rapparee 09 Dec 10 - 10:30 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 04:47 PM

I used to go to The Beaverbrook Art Gallery in Fredericton, NB and sit on the bench in front of Pegasus and stare at it. Unreal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 06:11 PM

For reference only:

gobsmacked: (English colloquial or slang expression) - Astounded, astonished, flabbergasted, stunned, deeply surprised. Derives from "gob" (slang term for mouth) and "smacked", as in shocked as though by a sudden and unexpected smack across the face.

Example: Upon entering the manorial bedchamber Earl Geoffrey was gobsmacked to discover his pretty wife engaging in intimate carnal delights of a thoroughly forbidden sort with a large, muscular chimpanzee who was wearing a vest, a tie, and a fedora, but nothing below the waist.

"WHAT is the MEANING of this???!!!!??" he finally spluttered.

"You must be jokin'," said the chimp. "The meaning of this is dead obvious. Yer wife needs a bit more entertainment than you been givin' her lately, Roscoe. Got any more stupid questions ya want answered before I leave?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 07:25 PM

I knew you were a man of uncharted shallows, Hawk. Thanks for the confirmation...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 07:32 PM

Ahhhh.... huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 07:32 PM

Little Hawk's childhood home


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 09:41 PM

Why would you stare at a bench? Unless, like, the bench you know, like, talked to you, ya know?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 10:28 PM

In honor of the Feast of St. Nicholas tonight, the Legion Hovel has been decorated for the holidays. As usual, Stinky Smith lit the candles on the tree and as usual the thing burst into flames -- the Supreme Keeper of the Kash told the Decorating Committee last year to stop buying trees after Christmas and saving them for the next Christmas. Now they'll have to get the scorch marks off the skylight again, and once again go buy a tree at retail.

Naturally the outside is decorated in Christmas light and colors; as well as moldy pumpkins; tattered Union banners from Labor Day; various dud fireworks; posters of Abe, Martin, and George; a Guy; a recording of La Marseillaise (stuck on the line Que tes ennemis expirants), and a neon sign (broken) with the words to "O'Kanata" in Inuktuk. Among other things, some of them unmentionable and some no longer describable.

It's the holiday season, the holiday season...even the cannons out front are draped in lights and it's best not to be anywhere around them when the lights are on, unless you fancy electrocution.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 12:03 AM

I am mystified, Amos, by this apparent need you have to castigate me for my supposed gutter mentality and my supposedly vile social origins. You know perfectly well that it isn't so, so why do you do it? Herr Leibenscheiss should look into the matter and determine what sort of deep and dark emotional issues lie at the base of this unhealthy compulsion you have to smear my reputation and thereby symbolically destroy me...or at least banish me from what you imagine to be "polite company". I am hurt sir. Deeply hurt. I do not deserve this sort of treatment from you, and I am sure that one day you will deeply regret your intemperate and scurrilous attacks upon my character. When that day comes, as it must, I will graciously accept your apology.

;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 10:45 AM

Ya wanna fight a duel? Huh? Do ya? I'll act as your second. Wash out the stain on your honour in blood and all that?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 11:27 AM

Well, Hawkster, I apologize; the truth is, I took your effort at imitation as a sort of piss-takem so I thought I'd take one in reply, but I see now how terribly, teribly wrong I was and I know I will never be able to make it up to you. I don't know WHAT to do. I suppose you'll have to suck it up.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 12:48 PM

Well, I suppose that will have to do. Actually, I was merely inspired by your "for reference only" post, enjoyed it, and thought I'd do one of my own in the same fashion. It's fun, after all.

So here's another...

For reference only:

KNACKERED - (British slang expression) Checkmated, frustrated, blocked; similar to the American slang expression: screwed.

An example of the use of the expression "knackered" appears below in the 7th verse of the delightful Jack Thackray song "Leopold Alcocks"...


LEOPOLD ALCOCKS
by
Jake Thackray



Leopold Alcocks, my distant relation,
Came to my flat for a brief visitation.
He's been here since February, damn and blast him
My nerves and my furniture may not outlast him.


Leopold Alcocks is accident prone.
He's lost my bath plug, he's ruptured my telephone.
My antirrhinums, my motor bike, my sofa
There isn't anything he can't trip over.

As he roams through my rooms, all my pussycats scatter.
My statuettes tremble, then plummet, then shatter.
My table lamps tumble with grim regularity.
My cut glass has crumbled and so has my charity.

Leopold Alcocks, an uncanny creature
He can't take tea without some misadventure:
He looks up from his tea cup with a smirk on his features
And a slice of my porcelain between his dentures.

He's upset my goldfish, he's jinxed my wisteria
My budgie's gone broody, my tortoise has hysteria.
He cleans my tea pots, my saucepans, with Brasso
And leaves chocolate fingerprints on my Picasso.

Leopold Alcocks never known to fail
Working his way through my frail Chippendale.
One blow from his thighs (which are fearsomely strong)
Would easily fracture the wing of a swan.

I brought home my bird for some turkish moussaka
Up looms old Leopold I know when I'm knackered.
He spills the vino, the great eager beaver,
Drenching her jump suit and my joie de vivre.

Leopold Alcocks stirring my spleen
You are the grit in my life's vaseline.
A pox on you Alcocks! You've been here since Feb'ry
Go home and leave me alone with my debris.

So Leopold Alcocks, my distant relation,
Has gone away home after his visitation.
I glimpsed him waving bye bye this last minute
Waving his hand with my door knob still in it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 03:53 PM

What a scarey image!! I have no relatives, as ffar as I know, who would do such a thing. And th eones I do not know about have not found me yet.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 04:55 PM

Settled like true gentlemen, with an apology offered and accepted.





















Darn it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 05:51 PM

Sorry, old chap! Maybe next time we shall have the violence and bloodshed you long for.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 06:08 PM

I am picturin' Amos and LH havin' it out mano-a-mano, rollin' around on the ground in the dirt, yellin' and screechin' and pullin' hair, scratchin' and gougin' and kickin', fists wavin' in the air, one hand shoved inta the other guy's open mouth just like Dagwood and Herb used ta do in the old Blondie comic strip...

And Rapaire on the microphone wildly callin' the play-by-play while I sell hot chestnuts to the cheerin' spectators and wink at the girls...

I bet we could sell a lotta tickets.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 07:18 PM

You half-pint fleabitten overgrown throwrug, whyncha take those dental plates out and show folks your real smile. It'll scare them into the next county. No winks from chicks for you, you pan-species panderer! Besides, you'd have ta stand down wind or they'd run for the fallout shelter. Bad idea. Why don't you human up and take care of your mother and sister, instead, cheapskate!! Or doesn't that no-good shyster Little Hawk pay you any royalties?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 07:57 PM

Dear Mom,
I'll write when I can. I'm up to my eyeballs in finals.

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 08:37 PM

I suppose that is preferable than being up to your finials in eyeballs.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 10:30 PM

Ah, just blow 'em off and have another drink. That was our attitude when I was in graduate school and I turned out okay. Sort of, anyway. Besides, the profs all hated me. And I was sick a lot, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 10:50 PM

Exactly what is it, Mister Paree, that leads you to assert you have turned out okay? Just for the record....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 11:17 PM

I am your Creator.
You turned out sort of okay.
QED: I must be much more okay than you are.

Hey, I learned logic and stuff from Franciscans, and they can one-up the Jesuits any day. Of course, I already knew all that stuff but the time had not yet arrived for me to announce that I am the Creator, the Thinker-Upper, of everything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 11:38 PM

What would happen if you took your thinker out of wherever you have it upper?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 12:24 AM

If he did that, a ginormous Black Hole would appear and it would swallow up the whole friggin' universe.

- Chongo

p.s. Amos, I have wrote down yer advice to me and filed it under section H: "Take this out and look at it whenever I need a good laugh or two and can't find anything in the Sunday comics that'll do the job better."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 12:24 AM

MOM, if you get up in the middle of the night tonight you MIGHT see a little snow pass through the region. If you're smart, you'll pull the covers over your head and ignore it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 10:00 AM

Nothing but fog here last night. MIGHT have a few drops of rain today; it's 36F outside right now. Cloudy, but that will help hold the heat. Gee but it's nice to live in the Intermountain West!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 10:30 AM

The author of The Seven Mysteries of Life recites an incident of a baby giraffe separated just after birth from its mother and kept separate and alone until it was a teenager.

No mirrors and no other giraffes.

When they were then re-united the young giraffe could not imagine that such a strange looking animal as the mother giraffe could have anything to do with him and rejected all overtures from her, persuaded it was an absolutely bizarre crittur.

Reminds me of the old farmer who finally saw one in a traveling circus and declared "They're jest ain't no such animaL".

a


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 11:05 AM

Oh, Mom, oh, Mom!
Come look at ME!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 11:05 AM

There's no doubt, this
Was MEANT to be!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 11:06 AM

I copped THREE EIGHT SIX-
EIGHT-THREE!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 12:59 PM

Ya know what they say... Little things amuse little minds.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 01:42 PM

I have NEVER heard anyone say that, and I doubt it is even true, hair-face.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 06:13 PM

You would hear a lot more of what other people say, bub, if you was just a bit more inclined to listen, instead of just concentratin' all yer attention on the next brilliant thing you are about to say. You gotta listen, see? Otherwise you ain't never gonna hear nothin' in this world but the sound of yer own voice echoin' in the hollow space of yer own ego. That was Bugsy Malone's problem. He didn't listen to nothin' but the sound of his own voice. That was Dutch Schulz's problem too. And you see how they ended up...layin' on a cold slab.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 07:31 PM

I can appreciate the delights of having a fantasy world, but why would you want to people it with violence and ignorance?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 07:41 PM

Bummer afternoon. Eye doctor dilated my eyes, and it always takes a long time to wear off. I'm squinting at the screen for a few minutes to tell you. They're going to do it tomorrow again because I have more tests. Seems my right eye is showing some signs of a circulation problem. Darn. At least the treatment would be eye drops, not a whole body impact drug.

Getting older is the pits. But as my friend Dean says, it beats the alternative!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 08:01 PM

Amos, my dear, you must realize that once a fictional character is created, whether in literature, in film, or in any other medium, that character must remain consistently in character in order to be credible. This was the case with Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. It is the case with that rough hewn Chicago chimpanzee adventurer Chongo too. It has to be, don't you see? They simply are who they are, and that is all there is to it. If Little Hawk were to deviate from portraying his characters AS who they are, they would be justified in abandoning both him and this forum, and you would then have to find something else to object to.

And I'm sure you would... (knowing smile)

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 08:42 PM

SRS... I hope all goes well.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 08:52 PM

Good luck, Still!!

Penny, old duck, I really rathah think you should stick to throwing your bloomers in the general direction of every half-balked, self-styled poet in the West End, and leave the psychobabble to those who speak it fluently. Like Liebenscheiss, for example. Now, there's a notion. Let's have one of my imaginary characters psychoanalyze one of Little Hawk's imaginary characters-- a brilliant display of hot air chasing hot air in order to measure hot air..


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:22 PM

Y'all are on the Hell-bound train! Y'all will be dumped in a lake of fire, with fire coming out of every opening in your bodies as the fires of your sins eat you from within like battery acid. You will have an itch, a terrible, burning itch, in places where you can't reach to scratch. Yes, and giant fiends with the wings of bats, fiends who breathe fire and brimstone, will torture you in unspeakable ways BECAUSE YOU HAVE TURNED FROM THE LIGHT AND GOODNESS TO THE WAYS OF SATAN AND ALL HIS WORKS AND POMPS!! But there is still hope, yes, as long as you exist you have Hope. But you must give over all your evil sinful tricks and repent. Yes, I say REPENT! Give all you have to the poor so that you are no longer tempted and hindered by the Things of This World! Remember what Paul says in Corinthians 3! Sell all you have and send to the Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers Ministries and we will see that it is distributed to the neediest among us.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:35 PM

You tell 'em, Jimmy. It so happens that I am among those sufferin' poor you mention, seein' as how I am behind on the rent and runnin' out of money to satisfy my usual needs in terms of cigars and whiskey. Yup, the cupboard is startin' to look pretty bare. So when all them repentant sinners who fear the fires of perdition start pourin' in the funds to you, Jimmy, I trust you will direct some of them funds my way ASAP. I only need a few thousand a month, cos my needs are small and modest, me bein' a humble and God-fearin' primate.

Send the money to Box 199 at the main central downtown post office in Chicago or drop it off in a plain paper bag at the alley back of Duffy's Bar, 7 PM on Sundays. I'll be there.

Oh...and Praise the Lord!!! (and pass the ammunition)

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:56 PM

Wow!! Mooching and assorted covert sting operations among imaginary playmates--talk about fragmentation!! My GOO'NESS, yes!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:57 PM

Say, maybe the Rev Jimmy Swagbone could try to convert Penelope Twiddle-Hump!! How about THAT for a scenario?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 10:10 PM

I kinda doubt PR would have anything to do with someone like Jimmy Lee Whateverhisnameis. Although, tea at the rectory and all that you know....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 10:55 PM

See, the thing is, if the AUthor's world is so riddled with dark panes of glass in order to keep Imaginary Friends from knowing what each other is doing, where does that leave him? Fragmented, dude!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 12:05 AM

You are a sorry goddamn case, Amos. It don't take a whole lotta smarts to figger out that whoever composes the Jimmy Lee Staggers posts, it is not LH. The fragmentation you are wearin' yerself out imaginin' on his behalf don't exist, chump. Someone else is responsible for inflictin' Jimmy Lee Staggers on a sufferin' world. My guess is that that someone else hales from Idaho, a place where "frag" usually refers to blowin' someone away, but that's another subject altogether.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Joe Offer
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 01:18 AM

Hmmmm. Rev. Jimmy Lee, I think you're getting carried away. I always thought Satan looked quite smashing in those pumps. Pantyhose would have completed the look, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 07:21 AM

Pantyhose, huh! Garter belt and stockings more like.

If Joe had waited just a little longer, he'd have grabbed

38700

Small change in MOAB-land, of course, but still, a nice well-rounded number. Rather like that one from Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Albert Schweitzer
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 09:05 AM

Jimmy, God is laughing at you. He thinks you look silly with mascara running down your cheeks. He also wants you to know that the sauna/spa resort you invested in for the "poor" is not sanctified. Get used to the heat---it will serve you well in the future.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 10:21 AM

LH:

Tell Chongo fer me I think he's right and it's not my fault--turns out I had an ovberheated condensor in my strategic semantic differential tracking device whoich pointed me 37.23 degrees off from the correct universe of origin.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 10:26 AM

You think Eiseley is the Rev's alter ego? Could be, I guess.... She doesn't seem like a stump-jumper, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 10:30 AM

Also, my vast knowledge of Scriptures (Christian, Islamic, etc.) tells me that there is no third letter of Paul to the Corinthians. I did find this, though I think it might be a bit suspect:

The Way Named Straight
Tarsus, Province of Syria

My Dear Corinthians:

I, Paul, by the will of God an Apostle, having written twice to you on several matters of great importance now find myself compelled to write a third time.

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more.

SHAPE UP!

Paul, by the grace of God, Apostle to the Gentiles


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