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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Little Hawk 29 Jan 12 - 10:25 AM
Rapparee 29 Jan 12 - 01:09 PM
gnu 29 Jan 12 - 01:33 PM
Amos 29 Jan 12 - 03:16 PM
Amos 29 Jan 12 - 09:20 PM
Rapparee 29 Jan 12 - 09:37 PM
GUEST,Guest from Sanity 29 Jan 12 - 09:43 PM
gnu 29 Jan 12 - 09:54 PM
Amos 30 Jan 12 - 08:31 AM
Rapparee 30 Jan 12 - 08:59 AM
Amos 30 Jan 12 - 10:43 AM
Little Hawk 30 Jan 12 - 12:17 PM
Acme 30 Jan 12 - 12:37 PM
gnu 30 Jan 12 - 01:23 PM
Little Hawk 30 Jan 12 - 06:15 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 12 - 09:54 AM
Little Hawk 31 Jan 12 - 10:35 AM
Rapparee 31 Jan 12 - 10:59 AM
Amos 31 Jan 12 - 01:32 PM
gnu 31 Jan 12 - 02:05 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 12 - 02:40 PM
gnu 31 Jan 12 - 02:44 PM
Little Hawk 31 Jan 12 - 03:18 PM
gnu 31 Jan 12 - 04:33 PM
Acme 31 Jan 12 - 08:32 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 12 - 09:45 PM
Amos 31 Jan 12 - 10:35 PM
Little Hawk 31 Jan 12 - 11:13 PM
Rapparee 31 Jan 12 - 11:23 PM
Little Hawk 01 Feb 12 - 04:35 AM
Amos 01 Feb 12 - 09:50 AM
Rapparee 01 Feb 12 - 10:22 AM
gnu 01 Feb 12 - 10:26 AM
GUEST,Guest from Sanity 01 Feb 12 - 12:15 PM
GUEST,freds 01 Feb 12 - 01:00 PM
gnu 01 Feb 12 - 01:17 PM
gnu 01 Feb 12 - 01:19 PM
Amos 01 Feb 12 - 02:26 PM
Little Hawk 01 Feb 12 - 06:03 PM
Amos 01 Feb 12 - 06:38 PM
Rapparee 01 Feb 12 - 10:00 PM
Little Hawk 01 Feb 12 - 10:50 PM
Rapparee 01 Feb 12 - 10:56 PM
Amos 01 Feb 12 - 11:01 PM
GUEST,Guest from Sanity 02 Feb 12 - 12:22 AM
GUEST,Guest from Sanity 02 Feb 12 - 12:24 AM
Amos 02 Feb 12 - 09:47 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 02 Feb 12 - 10:20 AM
Rapparee 02 Feb 12 - 10:21 AM
Acme 02 Feb 12 - 10:24 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 10:25 AM

Word just in from the Sudbury O.P.P. (Ontario Provincial Police):

It seems that Shane McBride was apprehended this morning while driving a pickup truck to Sudbury. The truck was heavily loaded with recently stolen goods, mostly home electronics, and had a wall-sized flat TV screen tied down over top of a large number of other electronic devices and smaller domestic items.

The truck was registered to Don McBride of Blind River. Don is Shane's older brother. Police are questioning Don McBride, but have not issued a warrant for his arrest. According to the older McBride, his brother Shane had "borried" the pickup truck without his permission after being told "Don't flippin' TOUCH that truck!" Don says, however, that he is not inclined to ask for charges to be brought against Shane for vehicle theft because "The boy is too flippin' stupid to know what he is really doin' or why, eh?".

Shane has been charged with theft of an estimated $188,000 worth of property, 17 counts of breaking and entering in the Sudbury-Blind River area, driving under suspension, drunk driving, reckless driving, failing to yield right of way, failing to wear a seatbelt, resisting arrest, creating a public nuisance, biting a police officer, and uttering obscenities. He is being held without bail, pending trial.

Shane spoke briefly to the press and said: "This is all a flippin' mistake, eh? I found that stuff on the side of the road. I DID! It was just layin' there, musta got throwed out by people, eh? I was just takin' it to Sudsy to, like, donate to the Salivation (sic) Army so's they could give it, like, to poor people who are flippin' in NEED! I am a pubic (sic) flippin' BENEFACTOR! So why am I bein' arrested? I am callin' for justice here! I want alla my friends and the women of this area to make a flippin' march to the Sudbury jail and flippin' DEMAND justice for Shane McBride! You hearn it here. That is alls I got to say."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 01:09 PM

That makes the partial transgender operation even more...useful. He'll be able to get all the cigarettes he wants while he's in prison, assuming that he's paid for his "services."

There weren't a couple of legally registered handguns in that load, were there?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 01:33 PM

A bit too much gore for me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 03:16 PM

That's what George Bush said, isn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 09:20 PM

Next Saturday we make the long drive up to San Luis Obispo to pay our fond respects to dearly departed Nancy Ross, Mudcat's Mudlark, who was as bright an angel as ever graced these pages. There are some things that even BS cannot mend. This is a sobering thought.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 09:37 PM

Give her greetings from all of Mom's kids and let her know that she will not be forgotten here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 09:43 PM

Have a good road, Amos. Thoughts will be there with you all!

GfS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 09:54 PM

Once again, A, my respects for your loss.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 08:31 AM

Thanks, amigos. Life is life, and will go on.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 08:59 AM

Just watch yours while you're traveling!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 10:43 AM

Well, I would, but I have to keep my eyes on the road.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 12:17 PM

Sorry to hear of this loss to the community, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 12:37 PM

Me too, Amos.

Rap, if you're going to do some trans-gender alteration on Shane, then why not skip the crematorium and use the tied-to-a-log-in-a-sawmill approach and send him in feet-first? It'll take care of that gender surgery and the rest in one fell swoop.

I was looking for a photo and found this instead:

A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at another table. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garages. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off. Just send the bottle back...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 01:23 PM

Hahahahahaahehehehee


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 06:15 PM

LOL!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 09:54 AM

Cheaper, too. I know a guy who has a sawmill and he has "connections" in Ontario. This could work, yeah....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 10:35 AM

You're gonna have to spring him out of the Sudbury jail.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 10:59 AM

You mean the place with Nerf bars on the windows?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 01:32 PM

I am sure someone in the area has a mule they would rent out for the night. A bight around the window bars and a good pull, and he's sprung to his doom...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:05 PM

Good choice, Amos but a bowline would suffice on nerf bars and it would make for fast retrieval of the rope which would be of utmost importance on accounta I don't anyone would spend money ta break out Shane.

Speakin a yer jailbreaks, Rap... hope you send the Durham, Ontario break vid to everybody here ceptin A. I am about to do that. Forgot earlier.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:40 PM

Get a mule and a rope...good idea. Spring Shame from durance vile. Let's see: make a double bight in the rope with extra length in the running end. Wrap the running end around the doubled rope, working towards the standing end. When you reach the top bight, put the running end through the bight and pull the downwards on the standing end side of the loop to tighten it around the running end.

Set Shame on the back of the mule and fasten the standing end to a sturdy tree branch about 15 feet up and the loop in the running end around Sham's neck. Tighten the loop under Shame's left ear and give the hind end of the mule a good slap with your hat.

"Where's Shame?"
"Oh, just hangin' around."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:44 PM

You got a mean streak.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 03:18 PM

You don't understand how the Sudbury cops feel about Shane. Specially after this last episode! It would take a full brigade of US Marines and Special Forces armed with tanks and Blackhawk helicopters to get him out this time. Trust me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 04:33 PM

If anyone wants to see a "Shane" escape attempt from the police vid, send me yer eaddy. It's priceless. Shane might even be one of them (3 guys chained together at the wrists) as it was in Durham, ONT.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 08:32 PM

Todays only Tuesday, right? MOM, I may need you to come give me a hand at work the rest of the week. There's just too much to do in the time available. If you'll just glower at anyone who approaches me with any other little jobs they need help with, that would be a great help!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 09:45 PM

Them cops gonna use the rubber truncheons and electric shock and waterboarding and sleep deprivation and dentist drills and stuff on Shame?

Boy, I'd sure hate to annoy cops, especially when I was in jail. You don't think Shame will die in there of "natural causes" do you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 10:35 PM

That video was a crack up.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 11:13 PM

I don't think he'll die in there, Rap...but I think he's going to enjoy it a little less than usual.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 11:23 PM

I understand. Bland food, no television, impolite guards, only five cigarettes a day, only milk to drink -- Canadian "hard time".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 04:35 AM

Now yer gettin' the idea, eh? ;-D It's gonna be brutal! I betcha he gets no dirty magazines either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 09:50 AM

He's an imaginary felon
IN imaginary jail
No-one wants to go
His imaginary bail
He's imaginary stuck
Serving imaginary time
Nailed by imaginary cops
For an imaginary crime,

Tell me how long
Do I have to wait?
Can I wake up now?
Or must I hesitate?

Bodhisatva Singers in their new album "Dharma Momma Lay Me Down", 2011, Chicago


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 10:22 AM

I woke up this mornin'
To a glass of warm milk
I woke up this mornin'
To plain ol' oatmeal
And a dish of prunes
Yeah Mamma I'm doin' hard time
Hard time in the Sudbury Jail.

Ain't got no weed
Ain't got no beer
Just a dish of prunes
A-standin' there
Yeah Momma I'm doin' hard time
Hard time in the Sudbury Jail.

Big Jello done tol' me
I belong to him
Yeah Big Jello done tol' me
I was his fresh meat
An' lemme tell 'bout hard times
Hard times in the Sudbury Jail.

Ain't got no teevee, ain't got no pants
Jist a bright orange jumpsuit
With a flap in the back
And Big Jello likes me, likes me a lot
Momma I got hard times
Hard times in the Sudbury Jail.

If I ever git outa here, I'll go straight
Sweet momma, I'll go straight to your arms
Smoke a little herb, git some donuts from Tim's
Don't like it here not one little bit
Yeah it's hard time, Momma
Hard times in the Sudbury Jail.

         --Myopic Vanilla Pudding, "Sudbury Jail Blues"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 10:26 AM

LH... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-WBKah3uwg&feature=related


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 12:15 PM

Glad to have been of some assistance................BTW, the more you feed it the bigger it grows.

Regards to All,

GfS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 01:00 PM

You will be pleased to know that we have found succulent DNA, the very best we have ever found. It is as if it were soaked in a fine sauce. We assume that you want to keep this for yourselves as it is found in a pen. If your planet were sectioned horizontally from your pivot points and horizontally from the widest point this pen would be found at 80° 58' 0" "left" of a line drawn through an obscure island we picked by random to be the zero line for verticality and 46° 30' 0" "up" from the midline.

We will be taking this delicious DNA very soon, although we wonder why to put it in a pen with other DNA which is to say the very least quite foul. If you were attempting to sweeten the foul DNA that is not the way to do so.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 01:17 PM

A... can you send the vid to SRS, LH, whoever? I only have your and Rap's eaddies and it's not to be missed by anyone who knows Shane.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 01:19 PM

Shoulda tried You Tube before!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FYfB8K84tk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 02:26 PM

Shane's Great Escape foiled.

It bears rewatching.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 06:03 PM

Ah-Hah!Hah!Hah! Wonderful! I wonder if they are related to the McBrides of Dingle, Ireland? Or is that Dangle, Ireland? If only one of them had had a greasy, shoulder-length mullet and a droopy mustache and a baseball cap on backwards with the legend "<----I'm with the IDIOT---->" printed on it in red block letters, I'd have said Shane McBride was in that video.

That is definitely something Shane would do. Don probably wouldn't, cos he is not totally brainless, eh?

Wonderful lyric writing, people!

Amos, can I use those "imaginary" lyrics you just wrote in a song of my own? I have an idea that I think could work well for it. You want co-writing credit for it? No problem. That's a serious request.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 06:38 PM

Little Hawk:

GO ahead and use them. Give me a half a byline if you like. It is modeled--in my head--on the Hesitation Blues as Muldaur used to do them.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 10:00 PM

There ain't no McBrides in Dingle. Haven't been since 1367, when they were exterminated for being vermin unbecoming to the Irish. I know this for a fact as my wife's relatives are all from there and they helped in the Glanadh Mor (as it is still known to those whose roots in An Daingean go deep).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 10:50 PM

Hmmm. Do you think Shane could have been lying????? (hard as that is to believe...)

Maybe they are from Dangle, not Dingle.

Amos - Great! I wasn't aware of the Maria Muldaur song, but I've got something really good happening with those lyrics of yours. It's maybe half done now, and I'll finish it hopefully tomorrow sometime.

I'm thinking we might make a good songwriting team, you and I.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 10:56 PM

Probably Dingleberry, England.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 11:01 PM

It was Geoff, not Maria, I was thinking off.

I think the town might have been Dongle, just north of USB Port on the coast of Hard Drive.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 12:22 AM

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy

      


    Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2011

    *SEVENTH PLACE*

    Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
    Start scratching!
    * SIXTH PLACE *
    Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
    Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
    Scratch some more...
    * FIFTH PLACE *
    Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
    Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case
    of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's
    insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

    Double hand scratching after this one..

    *FOURTH PLACE*
    Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
    Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

    Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

    * THIRD PLACE *
    Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

    Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

    *SECOND PLACE*
    Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

    Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...
    * FIRST PLACE *

    This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
    Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
    On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Regards,
GfS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 12:24 AM

..and 43,700!

GfS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 09:47 AM

THat last one has been floating around for years. I have a friend who swears it actually happened to some foreign engineers who came over here to study software applicaitons. Go figger.

Have you talked to your friend Ms. Snopes about these?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 10:20 AM

If I had found that sucker who sat in the garage for 8 days sittin' in MY garage, he'd have had a whole lot more anguish to complain about...assumin' he was still capable of speech after I was through with him. Same goes for the idiot who shot pellets at the dog. I don't like dogs much myself, but I do respect property rights.

Have you seen the "trunk monkey" ads, GfS? Do a search on Youtube. It ain't a monkey, it's a chimp, but they are pretty funny ads anyway.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 10:21 AM

It's okay, Mom. I'm alright, mostly. The cops didn't get my license plate number, either. Who would have thought that someone would care so much about a window made of pieces of colored glass? Or that old church? How was I to know it was full of old ledgers and documents? I mean, I didn't set it on fire intentionally, did I? And it's not my fault the sprinklers weren't working and the woodwork was tinder dry. I didn't ever see the sign about the National Register of Hysteric Places. They should put those where people who a re drinking in back of a place can see them, don't you think? "Oldest Church In the Pacific Northwest" -- phooey! I ask you, which is more important: some old church or me testing my new aluminum/magnesium rocket casing and my new lox/kerosene fuel mixture? It could happen to anyone! Sure, sure, I should have put steering fins on the rocket but I can't think of everything, can I? And I didn't mean to burn down all of those other buildings, either -- especially the explosives magazine for the mine.

Thank God Almighty the Legion Hovel was spared is all I've got to say!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 10:24 AM

MOM musta been taking a nap instead of making faces at people because I have more work to do this week. Or maybe she was busy listening to all of these court cases.


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