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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 23 May 12 - 10:17 AM
Amos 23 May 12 - 10:38 AM
Rapparee 23 May 12 - 11:52 AM
Amos 23 May 12 - 01:26 PM
Little Hawk 23 May 12 - 02:06 PM
Amos 23 May 12 - 03:07 PM
Amos 23 May 12 - 05:46 PM
Little Hawk 23 May 12 - 07:27 PM
Amos 23 May 12 - 10:35 PM
Rapparee 23 May 12 - 10:35 PM
Little Hawk 23 May 12 - 11:15 PM
Amos 24 May 12 - 12:04 PM
Acme 24 May 12 - 12:06 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 24 May 12 - 12:35 PM
Acme 24 May 12 - 09:22 PM
Amos 25 May 12 - 12:10 AM
Rapparee 25 May 12 - 12:22 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 25 May 12 - 01:02 AM
Amos 25 May 12 - 09:29 AM
Rapparee 25 May 12 - 10:48 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 25 May 12 - 12:19 PM
Rapparee 25 May 12 - 12:25 PM
Rapparee 25 May 12 - 09:47 PM
Acme 26 May 12 - 02:03 AM
Rapparee 26 May 12 - 09:04 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 26 May 12 - 10:47 AM
Amos 26 May 12 - 12:11 PM
gnu 26 May 12 - 05:44 PM
Rapparee 26 May 12 - 09:58 PM
Amos 27 May 12 - 10:33 AM
Rapparee 27 May 12 - 10:44 AM
Acme 27 May 12 - 11:39 AM
Rapparee 27 May 12 - 12:16 PM
Acme 27 May 12 - 02:24 PM
gnu 27 May 12 - 08:41 PM
Rapparee 28 May 12 - 10:32 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 28 May 12 - 12:44 PM
Acme 28 May 12 - 05:58 PM
Amos 28 May 12 - 08:33 PM
Rapparee 28 May 12 - 10:13 PM
Amos 29 May 12 - 09:47 AM
Rapparee 29 May 12 - 09:48 AM
Amos 29 May 12 - 11:58 AM
Amos 29 May 12 - 12:43 PM
Rapparee 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM
Rapparee 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM
Acme 29 May 12 - 08:33 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 May 12 - 12:24 PM
Amos 30 May 12 - 12:32 PM
Little Hawk 30 May 12 - 12:59 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 May 12 - 10:17 AM

Sorry--author not yet known, COllected in "The Army and Navy Chronicle" by Benjamin Home, ed, around 1837.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 May 12 - 10:38 AM

Letitia Elizabeth Landon - around 1845 or so, I think -- wrote the Pirate's Song.

It was published in a collection, "The poetical works of Mary Howitt, Eliza Cook, and L. E. L. By Mrs. Mary Botham Howitt, Eliza Cook, Letitia Elizabeth Landon" by Philips, Samson adn Co. of Boston, 1855.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 May 12 - 11:52 AM

BEING A PIRATE
(Don Freed). 1985; New words and arrangement: Tom Lewis. 2003

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an ear,
It drips down your neck then it falls on the deck,
'Til someone shouts: "Oy! What's this 'ere?".
You can't wear your glasses, you can't 'pull' the lasses,
And folks have to shout so you'll hear,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an ear.

Chorus: It's all part of being a pirate (A pirate! A pirate!),
You can't be a pirate with all of your parts,
It's all part of being a pirate (A pirate! A pirate!),
You can't be a pirate with all of your parts.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye,
It stings like the blazes, it makes you make faces,
You can't let your mates see you cry.
A dashing black patch will cover the hatch,
And make sure your socket stays dry,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a hand,
It squirts and it spurts and it jolly well hurts,
Pain only a pirate could stand,
The fashionable look is a nice metal hook
But then you can't play in the band.
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a hand.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a leg,
It hurts like the dickens, your pace never quickens,
Hopping around on a peg,
Ask your sweetheart to marry, but too long you've tarried,
'Cos now you can't kneel down and beg,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a leg.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a 'wotsit',
Though you didn't choose it, you don't want to lose it,
You're hoping that somebody spots it,
Then the 'Doc' comes along and he sews it back on,
Or he ties it on tight then he knots it!
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a 'wotsit'.

It makes me quite irate -
You can't be a pirate -
With all of your parts!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 May 12 - 01:26 PM

Oh, being a Pyrate is morally wrong.
To plunder from others, because they're less strong,
Who have sweated and toiled to accumulate stores,
Fine ivory trinkets and outfits for whores,
Who have struggled with barrels of powder and shot
Risked all of their cash, and their homes, and what not
And have hoped a small profit at the end there might be,
Just to find themselves robbed by a thug out at sea!

Yes, being a Pyrate is violent and cruel,
The work of a drunken and bestial fool,
A rogue and a scoundrel, a man with no nation,
Who is scorned and is spurned by all civilization.
To fire on vessels that are not your own,
And take them from others by brute force alone,
To scream and to scare them, their gold to collect
By leaping with swords on another man's deck.

To fling out the irons to grapple and haul
And force tender lasses of virtue to fall,
To cut off the arms of their manly defenders,
And drink up their rum on a seven-day bender,
To go without washing! To go without comb!
And terrify people far away from their homes!
It's brutal and ugly! It's awful to tell!
And the soul of a Pyrate is destined for hell!

To break out the canvas, the wind on your quarter,
And bear down on prizes like hell-hounds on water!
To seize the fine fruits of another man's labor,
And sail his ship off, his fine dinners to savor!
It is cruel and barbaric! It's insane and reactive!
So why does this life seem
So goddamed attractive!?


Wolfgang Pettiwether-Jones III
Mopery and Dopery in Paris and London
Persiflage and Banter, pubs.
Birmingham, 1903


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 May 12 - 02:06 PM

Well, it does promise excitement...and there's also that wondrous allure of "getting something for nothing" that seems to fuel so many destructive human activities. Also, the clothing styles and accessories can be pretty cool.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 May 12 - 03:07 PM

I like the question far more than the answer, as I am sure you can readily understand, but thank you SO much for pointing those things out.

Rust-and-mold-trim accessories are just the thing, especially if you do the sulfur matches on fire in your beard thing that Teach perfected. A regular show-stopper.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 May 12 - 05:46 PM

For Little Hawk, my favorite Monger of Invisible Beings, from the George Templeton Foundation:

Project Leader(s)
J. Bradley Wigger, Professor

Grantee(s)
Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary

Description

The proposed project builds upon previous work (by others and J. Bradley Wigger, the author here) in the Cognitive Science of Religion, investigating the ways children think about God and exploring how children so easily relate to invisible beings. Using theory of mind tasks, cognitive psychologists (most notably, Justin Barrett) have compared the knowledge children attribute to God with knowledge children attribute to others (e.g. parents, animals, friends, etc.). Contrary to the anthropomorphism that Piaget or Freud proposed, children do not appear to simply base their understanding of God upon their understanding of humans. As part of the Cognition, Religion, and Theology project at Oxford (funded by Templeton), in 2009-2010, I conducted such research with children who have imaginary/invisible companions. I found that such companions were treated differently from God (similar to Barrett's work), but they were also treated differently from real friends. The invisible friends fell into an ambiguous "in-between" cognitive territory that may be significant for the religious imagination and development--perhaps similar to that of saints or angels or other invisible religious realities. I propose to conduct similar research with children from other cultures/countries in light of invisible agents (God, spirits, imaginary companions, etc.) indigenous to them. This would provide a means for cross-cultural analysis, expanding our understanding of the cognitive development of children in relation to invisible beings, and deepening appreciation for the making of a theory of (religious) mind.

Grant Amount:
$44,789
Start Date:
January 2012
End Date:
December 2013
Grant ID:
22256


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 May 12 - 07:27 PM

The invisible being I am picturing right now, Amos, is a large and vicious individual with a Black Widow spider tattooed on his forehead. He has invaded your house. He has you in a headlock and is repeatedly ramming your head against the doorframe while chanting "Ozzie! Ozzie! Ozzie!" The vile odor of his unwashed armpits is assaulting your nostrils. He is invisible, alas, only to me and numerous others on this forum, but NOT to you. You could see quite clearly when he first entered the room that he was wearing a "Pabst Drinkers for Romney in 2012" T-shirt and frothing at the mouth, and that he had a military haircut. His purposes are unclear, but they do not appear to be good ones, at least not from your point of view. I would do something about the situation if I could, but I'm too far away, so I'm afraid it's up to you.

Hey, wait! I've got an idea. Try out-talking him. I'm sure if you drop a few clever words and phrases such as "How jejeune!" and "Well, I swan!" and then read him some of your freshly composed poetry and say, "Just what do you think of that, Sirrah?", he'll be so impressed and overawed that he'll let go of you right away, apologize, dust you off, and ask if he can mow your lawn to make up for the inconvenience he caused you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 May 12 - 10:35 PM

Well. Little Hawk, MY imagination is kinder, more truthful, more moral and more beneficial than YOUR imagination, sirrah. So there. Also, Pbbbbt.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 May 12 - 10:35 PM

Send him to Athens, IL on Saturday, to my brother's house on South Main Street.

There will be a welcome there for him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 May 12 - 11:15 PM

Oh, I would if I could, Rap. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 May 12 - 12:04 PM

How come you can't? He's YOUR imaginary barbarian, isn't he? If you can't control him how do you expect to manage something real like a Martin?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 May 12 - 12:06 PM

Amos, you just landed on a very pretty number.

44866

I bet you could turn that one into a spinner.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 24 May 12 - 12:35 PM

Amos? Rap? You still flappin' yer lips here? Well, this is what I got to say to you:

Awww shut up, you mangy, poop-flingin', flea-infested, banana-peelin', hootin', gibberin', caperin', grub-eatin', subspecies creeps! Go back to the jungle where ya belong!

There. How ya like that, humans? Doesn't feel so good, does it? Eat yer own insultin' words for a change, suckers. After I get elected there will be sweepin' changes that will bring an end to yer corrupt specist ways.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 May 12 - 09:22 PM

Chongo, are you running for dog catcher?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 May 12 - 12:10 AM

He would , but the thought of touching dogs makes him kinda nervous...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 12 - 12:22 AM

Chumpo -- Drop around Athens, IL on Saturday afternoon. South Main Street, up the hill from the creek on the right hand side of the road. We'll have presents for you. Let's see. They'll be from an M-1, an 8mm Mauser, an '03, an AR-7, several shotguns of various gauges, a few .45s, at least on .357, and a bunch of .22s. And if you're lucky, some from Ye Olde Familie Tommie Gun. And a couple of cannons; can't forget the cannons.

We can discuss you political ass-pirations.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 25 May 12 - 01:02 AM

Rap, I been dreamin' fer years of gettin' together with you and comparin' our gun collections. I gotta admit that although you can be a bit of a bonehead about some things, when it comes to guns you know what end of the banana to start peelin' from! Yessir. Everything from light weapons to heavy ordnance...KREE-GAH!

You are my kinda human. I mean that in a good way.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 May 12 - 09:29 AM

I kinda doubt there even exists any good way to mean it.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 12 - 10:48 AM

Oh, no. This is my brother's place. Before it was put in a museum he had charge of Ye Old Familie Stille as well as Ye Olde Familie Tommie Gunne. You can come around for dinner.











Bush meat...mmmmmmmmmmmmm!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 25 May 12 - 12:19 PM

Yer brother's place, huh? Okay. Is this a younger or an older brother? Should I bring some mangos?

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 12 - 12:25 PM

Younger. We can use mangoes as skeet targets when you toss them up in the air as you play "Catch The Bullets."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 12 - 09:47 PM

Maybe tomorrow, Chongooze, we'll just fire a few rounds in the direction of Chicago for old times sake.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 May 12 - 02:03 AM

Geez, Rap, the produce you would waste for target practice. I bet the juicy Texas peaches sitting on my kitchen counter right now are nothing more than pit shrapnel or a splat on the side of the barn when you're finished with them. You and Chongo need to break bread (fruit, that is - at a table, on a plate).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 May 12 - 09:04 AM

When we shoot something it becomes food, it is not food beforehand. I told my brother about Chumpooze coming and he clapped his tiny hands in glee at the thought of again having barbecued monkey while he said, "Goodie goodie gum drop! Eat monkey. Monkey GOOD eat!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 26 May 12 - 10:47 AM

Now yer just makin' up silly stories again, Rap. Tryin' to get under my skin. It ain't gonna work. I don't believe fer a minute that yer little brother sounds like that.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 May 12 - 12:11 PM

We had a great time last night, Mom--we had a buffalo steak with home fries and baby peas with pearl onions and salad, lotsa red wine and high-falutin discussion about Being and other profound metaphysical issues of Cosmic Import. The Choreographer, the SOftware entrepreneur and the Lady Executive were there. A fine time was had by all, and I sang them "When the WOrk's All Done This Fall" so they would not completely forget the mportality of life.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 May 12 - 05:44 PM

Sounds like a good time was had by all, Amos. A positive post... for a change. Encouraging. I may be back.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 May 12 - 09:58 PM

My nephew, resplendent in his green gown, gold rope, and white satin collar, received his diploma in a mercifully brief ceremony this morning. "Mercifully brief" because it was in an un-airconditioned high school gym packed with people. There were eight (8) valedictorians and they each said two lines -- even the HS Principal was happy with that. During the (roughly) 90 minute ceremony I drank 20 ounces of water. There were 78 graduates; one will be entering West Point and the other the Naval Academy.

My nephew will be at the University of Illinois this Fall, majoring in Electrical Engineering. There is a good chance he will be graduating in EE at the same time his older brother graduates in the same subject.

There were about 20 people at the party afterwards, which just broke up about 45 minutes ago. At any given time there about 10 separate conversations going on. Among those present were a 1st grader, a 3rd grader, a JD degree, an MS degree, an MPA, several bachelor's degrees, an MBA. These included two former Marines, two Army veterans, two retired teachers, an active librarian, a railroad carman, and a couple of "significant others."

And an miniature pinscher named "Selena."

A good time was had by all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 May 12 - 10:33 AM

Well, I apologize for the bottomless stream of carping, potshots, takedowns, putdowns, incivility, snideness and general antagonism I have contributed to this thread, 'deed I do, old Gnu.

I can only plead extenuating circumstances including self-defense and extreme provocation. Also, fulfilling my God-given role as an active member of said extenuating circumstances and provocateur par excellence.

You see, I do not have a dog.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 May 12 - 10:44 AM

Today we're going to visit Mr and Mrs Lincoln's home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 May 12 - 11:39 AM

Amos, you can remedy that problem quickly and easily, and a dog will always improve your mood and supply a much-needed dose of unconditional love to your household.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 May 12 - 12:16 PM

Amos needs a big, black Newfie dog. He says the climate is idyllic, so the long hair won't make the dog suffer in the heat.

Or an Irish Wolfhound.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 May 12 - 02:24 PM

I bet Amos could sit in his driveway on his lawn chair with a cold drink and one day a stray dog will wander up. That's often how it happens around here (the stray dog wanders up part, anyway).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 27 May 12 - 08:41 PM

Congrats to your nephew, Rap.

A... no worries. It's just that the constant sniping and near inane oneupmanship gets a tad boring after thousands of such posts. It lacks freshness when it's as stale as a carp in the sun for days... months.

Sorry if I am bringing the room down. Been a bad day gone worse. Maybe I'll just gain some weight and go to bed. I have a can of baked beans with molasses that should do the trick. Yeah, beans and cracked wheat bread. That oughta make me sleep until I hafta "get up".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 12 - 10:32 AM

Add dried habenero peppers to the baked beans. You'll be up for a week or more.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 28 May 12 - 12:44 PM

What ya need to do, gnu, is knock back a few shots of whisky, smoke a good cigar, and reflect on how great yer life has been goin' lately. Then get out the old Tommygun, disassemble and clean and oil it, reassemble, load up, go out in the backyard and blast away at the scarecrow or whatever else ya got that makes a good target. I find this gets the cobwebs outta yer head real good.

I wish I was in the country where I could do this regular. It's not allowed in downtown Chicago. Maybe I can get that changed after I'm elected.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 May 12 - 05:58 PM

MOM, you're perilously close to the bottom this afternoon. Come on over to the shady spot in the yard to sip tea and watch the dogs. You can tell Amos about how pleasant it is to live with several dogs (you need more than one so they have companionship). You don't need to mention that this morning as I finished scooping poop through the yard I found that in the last five minutes of my work all three dogs made more deposits I had to go back for. I guess I gave them the idea.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 May 12 - 08:33 PM

That's the big problem, the deal-killer with dogs. I don't mind that they shit, everyone does. But dogs get ideas. I dunno if I could handle that.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 12 - 10:13 PM

It is possible to train them to poop in one place in the yard.

I've always thought my neighbor's yard was the place for this.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 May 12 - 09:47 AM

I've always wondered if it were possible to train BS to all show up in one place in the yar5d; but it tends to be upiquitous in its generation.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 May 12 - 09:48 AM

That's what Khandu (God Save The King!) has tried to do here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 May 12 - 11:58 AM

Well, it was a heroic notion indeed.

But self-acknowledged, heroic BS--the kind that Mom loves dearly -- is only the best of breed, so to speak.

Mongrel BS still permeates the echoing high halls of The Forum. Half-blood, addlepated, dewlapped and cross-eyed, BS of every stamp and kind, tatterdemalion and nitwitted, ragtag BS with no glory in it.

Still, we must carry our BS cross...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 May 12 - 12:43 PM

IT's only three more yards, my friends,
To 44 and nine.
And if we play the defense right
The next K close behind.

If we can get a first and ten
By running past their end
Why yard, by yard, we'll get there, pard
That Big K at the end.

So hunker down and dig the play
And how we plan the ride.
And don't be fouling the defense team,
Or jumping in off-sides.

The forces ranged against us, pals
Are no ordinary foes.
They'll stomp and block and head you off
Whichever way you go.

They're fast and big, you can't deny
And solid as the night
And they'll do anything they can
To block the BS light.

They do not care for wit, aplomb
And cultural ideas,
They hate the very thought of Mom,
THey'd like to see her freeze.

They're serious and hard, these guys
With tough and gloomy souls
They hate to see the BS light
Come winking through the holes.

But holes they have! Their defense line
Is riddled with their flaws
And that means Mom can grab a win
From failure's sodden jaws!

And when the long pass is complete,
And the yards have all been run,
The crowds will shout and hail Our Mom,
When the next of Kay is done.

So Rapp go wide and Hawk stay tight
And Gnu, go out a way.
And Stilly snap her back on ten;
We're bound for the next of Kay!

Coach WInkleman Radislov
Faculty Emeritus
School of High BS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM

Alright, dearest Mom


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 May 12 - 07:52 PM

here's another donation to PETBEN.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 May 12 - 08:33 PM

Only 99 to go until a RATHER LARGE NUMBER.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 May 12 - 12:24 PM

44,902!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ook! Ook!

I got this one and you didn't. And that's not all. I got this one because I have personally downed 44,902 shots of whiskey since this time last year. Or was it the year before? Well, who's countin'?   

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 12 - 12:32 PM

WIlliam Shakespeare was an extraterrestrial, of that there is no question. No mortal man of woman born, raised in the midden of human noise and sodden emotional vulcanism, could have done what he did. Consider his real estate prowess, let alone his poetry. Oh, and his plays, also.

No, he was not from here; but the interesting question is how he arrived.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 May 12 - 12:59 PM

William Shakespeare was an earlier incarnation of William Shatner. This is well known in most occult circles, and it helps to explain Shatner's extraordinary grasp of Shakespearian acting techniques as well as his general gift for dramatic exposition. The present incarnation of the Shatner oversoul has taken on even greater challenges than the famous playwright did, boldly going where none had gone before. What amazing things will he do next?


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