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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

gnu 29 Jun 12 - 05:45 PM
Rapparee 29 Jun 12 - 09:02 PM
Eiseley 29 Jun 12 - 10:11 PM
Eiseley 29 Jun 12 - 10:12 PM
Amos 29 Jun 12 - 11:16 PM
Amos 30 Jun 12 - 07:53 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 30 Jun 12 - 09:39 PM
Rapparee 30 Jun 12 - 10:19 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 01 Jul 12 - 12:12 AM
Amos 01 Jul 12 - 12:42 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 01 Jul 12 - 01:45 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 01 Jul 12 - 09:08 AM
Rapparee 01 Jul 12 - 12:28 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 01 Jul 12 - 03:15 PM
Acme 01 Jul 12 - 03:25 PM
Amos 01 Jul 12 - 08:24 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 01 Jul 12 - 08:43 PM
Amos 01 Jul 12 - 10:07 PM
Rapparee 01 Jul 12 - 10:22 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 01 Jul 12 - 10:39 PM
Amos 02 Jul 12 - 09:32 AM
Rapparee 02 Jul 12 - 10:00 AM
Amos 02 Jul 12 - 11:01 AM
Amos 02 Jul 12 - 12:52 PM
gnu 02 Jul 12 - 01:25 PM
Little Hawk 02 Jul 12 - 01:55 PM
gnu 02 Jul 12 - 02:26 PM
Rapparee 02 Jul 12 - 02:56 PM
Amos 02 Jul 12 - 03:15 PM
Amos 02 Jul 12 - 05:34 PM
Rapparee 02 Jul 12 - 10:05 PM
Acme 03 Jul 12 - 12:45 AM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 01:05 AM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 02:00 AM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 09:37 AM
Rapparee 03 Jul 12 - 09:51 AM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 12:41 PM
Rapparee 03 Jul 12 - 02:06 PM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 02:21 PM
gnu 03 Jul 12 - 02:55 PM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 03:02 PM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 04:29 PM
Rapparee 03 Jul 12 - 07:13 PM
Amos 03 Jul 12 - 09:31 PM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 11:38 PM
Acme 03 Jul 12 - 11:39 PM
Little Hawk 03 Jul 12 - 11:53 PM
Amos 04 Jul 12 - 12:01 AM
Rapparee 04 Jul 12 - 12:19 AM
Acme 04 Jul 12 - 12:39 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 Jun 12 - 05:45 PM

FULA???

I am president of FEMA and, a mucatter who shall not be named, is VP of FEMA... Fuck Em All. FEMA was begun some years ago in response to trolls and nasties that inhabited this hallowed Cafe. We have many followers, even tho only two are chartered as actual members. There are fellows of the order and they include management and regulars.

We have sent many trolls and nasties packing. Well, just upward of a dozen really badasses so far. Some were trounced with the aid of management and some were simply drummed out because they were uneasy with being on public display for stupidity and obviously being trolls and nasties.

You are welcome.

If, in future, you wish to join our cry.... FEEEEEMAAAAA!, feel free to do so. However, there is no "application", there is no membership... ya just gotta ignore the trolls until ya just can't do it anymore and then join THE CRY! by publically humiliating them by pointing out their posts. Trolls and nasties hate it when they are caught in their own shit.

No. Indeed. That ain't news. Just thought I would mention FEMA. As president, I am proud of the works we have acheived over the years.

I could post the names of the assholes "we" got rid of but that would be self laudatory and my back is sore from all the pats I have received in the past.

Well... that was a gobble, wasn't it? I think I'll have another ale.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jun 12 - 09:02 PM

As you may have read on the "Western Fires" thread, sixty-six houses and better than a thousand acres burned here yesterday. You will be pleased to know that the Legion Hovel, and the beer cars, are safe and unharmed. The Legion has opened the Lounge to fire fighters and others who need a quick break and/or pick-me-up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Jun 12 - 10:11 PM

Hello Mom,
I drove down to SLC and back today. Whew! There is smoke in the air and way too much devastation by fires. Thankfully none of our staff members' homes burned, but many were not so lucky.

Rapparee, are you going to the market tomorrow? If so, come by my booth for some interesting, surprising library news.

Now I'm hoarse from reading Hamlet out loud from Tremonton to Pocatello.

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Jun 12 - 10:12 PM

Hah! That last post was a beautiful palindrome!

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jun 12 - 11:16 PM

The lass who here recites so nicely
Is actually our long-lost Eiseley
Who drives the freeways with aplomb
But only rarely visits Mom.
We've learned the reason that she roams,
And what it takes to call her home:
A numerological palindrome!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Jun 12 - 07:53 PM

It's awfully warm even down here by the sea, Mom. I strode half-way acroos Tijuana this morning to have my gumline cut open in order to insert a whoosie in the implanted whatsis so they can take an impression and use the whoosie as the anchor for a crossing bridge. This allows germs to safely walk from one side of my mouth to the other without getting hit by my tongue when it thrashes about.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 30 Jun 12 - 09:39 PM

Just can't stay away from them hairy little arms, can ya? Is the idiot still claimin' to be my estranged sister?

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jun 12 - 10:19 PM

So! Chongum admits it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 12:12 AM

Whatsamtter witchu? Cantcha read? I said, "Is the idiot still claimin' to be my estranged sister?" I didn't say the idiot was my sister, I said she's claimin' to be my sister.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 12:42 AM

IF you are referring to Chinga, ole fuzzbutt, you need to rethink your geography. When you abandoned her and your mother, she set up business in Chicago and expanded to Detyroit and Milwaukee, not Tijuana.

As for whether or not she's your sister, I actually saw her once when I was doing research on the roots of MOAB, and I am quite certain that no-one but your sister could walk around alive with a mug like that. The resemblance is undeniable.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 01:45 AM

You been makin' up weird stuff about me and my supposed family members ever since I can remember, Amos. You know what you are, besides bein' a paid political disinformationist? Yer an online stalker, that's what you are, and a specist chimp-hater too. Yer the one who ougta be put in a cage, buster. Yer the one who oughta spend yer days in a crummy zoo bein' gawked at by fat tourists who throw peanuts, and say, "Oh, look at what he's doing now! EEEEEEEYEWWWW! Gross!"

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 09:08 AM

Ahhh.....

A beautiful mornin' in the Windy City. But not much wind. And I ain't even slightly hung over. Bonus. Well, it's off to the Church of Kong, where I will as per usual offer up a prayer for primate and human equality, justice, and world peace. Then I'm gonna have a quiet and contemplative Sunday, givin' thanks for all the blessings of my fortunate life. Yup, I'm a lucky Chimp. I could on a chaingang in Malawi right now...or gettin' ate by a leopard.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 12:28 PM

If I had a face like Chongo has I'd be very worried that someone would mistake it for a baboon's butt.

I do like chimps -- they're so darned cute doing those somersaults and going "Ook! Ook!" all the time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 03:15 PM

Yup, we are very, very cute. Till the gloves come off. I'm speaking figuratively, ya understand.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 03:25 PM

Eiseley, I'm glad no property damage to you and your cohorts, but the air must be wickedly thick with smoke. The only worse thing than having to breathe that air in town is to breathe that air on the fireline. Even as careful as you are out there, it is difficult.

Hot here, but hotter other places. Who knows, one of these days LH or Gnu will complain about heat. Me, I'm doing the frying pan/fire thing - since it's so hot outside I'm steaming fruit and making pickles and jelly. I cool down occasionally by taking a cold beer to MOM. I'm sticking with Gatorade in this weather, though. Alcohol and hot weather don't mix well if you're working hard or out in the high heat. MOM's fine 'cause she stays on the porch swing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 08:24 PM

It would have been a lot cuter,
mister Self-Satisfied Primate,
if you had stuck around and
pulled your weight, helped
support your aging mother and
keep your sister from wandering
into sin out of sheer financial necessity
and emotional neglect. But noooo.
Just walk away. It's what your kind does.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 08:43 PM

More libelous Hoo-Hah from the peanut gallery. You oughta get yerself some kind of hobby to keep you busy. Or maybe a job. They need any shoeshines in yer community? Or you could go pearl divin' at the local hash house.*



- Chongo

*(translation: become a dishwasher at the local greasy spoon)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 10:07 PM

Yeah, I think your guilty heart is showing itself in your bluster, senor Chimp. Typical lower primate behavior.

As for a hobby, maybe you're right. All I did this weekend was build this cool wind-powered beach-walker. Plus overhauling the fountain, write an essay on causes of the recession, water the new tree, and a few other impressive things.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 10:22 PM

Look here, Chongo, you bindle punk. You keep yapping, but we fingered you for a gunsel, a grifter...you know, we've been hinky about you 'cause your mush looks like somebody put some sap poison on it, sap. Now you shut your yap about my bo, Amos, or you might find somebody popping some pills for you, see? Maybe a section eight or a hophead or even a frail will put a new smile below your chin. So why don't you stay dormy in the dive you climbed to, huh? And don't try to cool me, daisy, because I go a chopper squad on the South Side who'll see you get a Chicago overcoat before you even think about it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Jul 12 - 10:39 PM

Finally I get someone around here who talks like a serious player! Not bad, Rap. I think there might be hope fer you yet. I useta think we had a communication problem, but maybe not. You wanta sort things out with me? I am here waitin'. Just me and my little friend here. Be sure to ring the bell twice, okay? And wear a set of iron panties too, if ya got some, cos I tend to aim low.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 09:32 AM

It's funny, innit; if you use enough highly condensed substitutes for words, slang derivatives and such, you make the impression that first hand experience is much too tame for you, and that you are armored with layers of rough experience. It's like having tokens from a whorehouse casino in your pocket. It doesn't mean you've been there, but it makes you look tough and seasoned and experienced. 'COurse it doesn't add up to a hill of beans--it could be all bushwah and buzz.

IF you try hard enough, you can sound like a duck.

This does not make you a duck.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 10:00 AM

So I called him a bindlepunk, a daisy, and a gunsel. Dude didn't get it, or maybe he knew it was true. I dunno, but I think that his "manly image" and preoccupation with testosterone issues is a very ineffective camouflage for his effeminacy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 11:01 AM

Yeah, well, you know CHongo; he pretends to be all Airedale, but he's just an angelina, a backsliding beefer and bad actor.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 12:52 PM

The brilliant Stephen Hawking recently intoned:

" I have experimental evidence that time travel is not possible. I gave a party for time-travelers, but I didn't send out the invitations until after the party. I sat there a long time, but no one came.".

So there you have it. The past disappears as fast--or faster--than the future appears in the present, and the only reason we don't think this is intuitively true is because we glue the pictures of the past to our little picture loving souls, so as to regain past glories and shun past pains. The past, therefore, is a bamboozle (although its lessons may not be, for sure).

So that means that the extropy of life force abstracting data from past calamity and bringing solutions, math, and other principles forward in time to solve the now-problems (however we may pose them) using the then-lessons--this conscious extropy, therefore is the dominant dynamic in the universe at any point of Now. I like this idea very much. I think, actually, it pleases me more than if someone HAD shown up at Hawking's party.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 01:25 PM

Well, the kolbassa I ate in the recent past passed and I remembered it well. It was a gas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 01:55 PM

Maybe no one showed up at Hawking's party, because they just weren't interested. ;-) Hawking may have overestimated his own importance in assuming they would show up.

Look, guys, think about this. Chongo is, as you say, very much into reflecting exaggerated testosterone-laden stereotypes of one sort or another, showing off how tough he is, etc.

Rapparee says he may be trying to camouflage "his effeminacy".

That's just silly. There's nothing effeminate about Chongo.

However, there's another angle on this thing entirely, and it is this. Chongo pretty much acts almost completely opposite to the way I would in most situations. He talks differently than I do. His life is radically different from mine.

Can you guess how refreshing it is for someone like me to step briefly into an alterego that is completely opposite to myself? Hmmm?

It's fun. Every character that I create allows me to BE someone else for a little while, and that's fun. Penelope Rutledge? Fun. Chongo? Fun. Shane? Fun. Olive Whatnoll? Fun. Corridus? Fun.

Why should I limit myself to creating male characters just because I'm male? Why should I limit myself to creating human characters just because I'm human? Why not try out absolutely anything that comes to mind?

And why would the rest of you limit yourselves so much to your present corporeal mind-body temporary construct/identity and not look to other possibilities?

Are you one-trick ponies? Or can you think outside the box?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 02:26 PM

Dale and Del and Daisie are real. No shit. Tho, Del is really Johnny and Daisie is really... hmmm... can't recall her name. I just wanted all the names to start with 'D'.

I make up some stories but that fiction is born from reality. One of the reasons I sold my camp is I didn't want to be anywhere near that crowd. The night Johnny broke his back in his new truck... well, when someone almost runs into your camp at 80kph, it's time to reassess the value of living in the neighbourhood.

I post as them "on my computer". That's my fun. Not much different, I suppose.

BTW, the wardens siezed their camp and the lease is available but the bastards want a "lease improvement fee" for the assessed tax value which is more than they will ever get. Dunno what Johnny did to have it taken from him. I know what Dale did... and did... and did...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 02:56 PM

ALL characters herein are real and the events are real. Ain't nothing made up or anything. Nope.

        The fishing hadn't been very good. Tony and I had only caught a couple of ten pound fish and it was nearly noon and time for lunch, which Ted was fixing.

        "OOOOOOOOOWWWWW!" suddenly came the cry.

        "Sounds like Ted," I remarked to Tony.

        "Or a coyote, or an unhappy dog, like the neighbor's dog does when you sing," he replied.

        "OWWWW! Help!" came the cry again.

        "Yup, Ted," I said. "Probably has gone and spilled the soup or something."

        "Yup," agreed Tony, "maybe we oughta get back and see what he's done to lunch this time."

        "We have to turn the fish loose first," I said. "Furry carp are fun to catch, but you can't eat them."

        After we did this, we turned back on the trail to the old Schlatter barn, where Ted was supposed to be cooking the soup we'd brought for lunch.

        The noise continued.

        "We are never going to catch any fish this way even after lunch," Tony said.

        "Not with him making enough noise to scare everything within ten miles," I said.

        We walked into the clearing by the old barn (which had long ago fallen down) and saw an unsual sight. Ted was sitting on a log with one foot on top of a board, and he was screaming. What was remarkable was that he had his shoes off.

        "I say, Old Man," Tony began, "are you in pain, or are you singing?"

        Ted looked at us with tears in his eyes. He had been crying, which we usually didn't do unless we couldn't help it..

        "This is the end," he said. "You guys have been okay as far as brothers go, but this is it."

        "Well, yes," I said. "Did you have some date in mind for this end?"

        "Probably today," he answered. "I...I took my shoes off to soak my feet in the spring, but as I was getting up I saw a mouse and I kicked at it and it bit my toe and as I was bringing my foot back I stepped on this board and now I have a rusty nail sticking in my foot and when I tried to lift my foot the board came up too. We all know about how dangerous rusty nails are."

        Tony said, "Hydrophobia AND lockjaw. That isn't good. Did you fix the soup?"

        I said, pityingly, "It's going to be tough, foaming at the mouth and having lockjaw. But we'll be with you, as long as you don't bite us or something."

        Ted said, "Dummies! You've got the first aid kit with you! You can fix me up until we can get home!"

        "Oh, yeah. I forgot about the first aid kit. I'm hungry and there's no soup to eat," Tony said. "First aid on an empty stomach is likely to lead to complications down the road. I could forget to give you artificial respiration or to tie a tourniquet around your neck or something."

        "I don't NEED artificial respiration!" yelled Ted. "I need to get this board off my foot, something to kill the germs, and some bandages!"

        I remarked, "It might be simpler to try to walk with the foot on the board. It's a pretty long board, but we could chop it into something about the length of your foot if you haven't lost the hatchet."

        "I. Want. My. Foot. Loose. From. The Board!" Ted screamed.
        
        "I understand you to say that you don't want to stay connected to this board," said Tony, and Ted nodded in agreement.

        "Okay. Mike, let's just cut his foot off. The germs probably haven't gotten very far into his blood stream and...." said Tony, reasonably.

        "NO!" Ted interrupted. "You're not cutting off my foot! Mom wouldn't like it!"

        "Well, there is that," I remarked to Tony. "Let's analyze the situation before we do anything."

        "Okay. We were fishing and Ted got bit by a mouse and stepped on a rusty nail and is going to get rabies and lockjaw and probably blood poisoning," Tony answered.

        Ted said faintly, "Oh my. I'd forgotten about blood poisoning."

        "First, let's pull the nail out," Tony suggested.

        "If we pull the nail out all of his blood will run out the hole," I responded rationally.

        "That's why you guys can do first aid!" Ted answered loudly. "Didn't you learn ANYTHING in Boy Scouts?"

        "Might as well try it," said Tony, "because with lockjaw and blood poisoning and rabies he's got nothing to lose."

        So Tony and I carefully stood on the board and Ted bent down a grabbed his leg and with a sudden jerk pulled it up and off the nail.

        "Wow! That's one of them old fashioned square nails, and it sure is rusty, " I observed

        "Yeah, and it's all bloody, too," observed Tony.

        "If you guys would please stop looking at the nail, I'd like some first aid," Ted said, blood dripping from the hole in his foot.

        "Oh, sure. Right way," Tony and I said at the same time. "Sure is a big nail, though," I said as I picked up the board to tossed it away.

        "Better go get that," said Tony. "I think we have to take the nail in to show the doctor so they know what sort of nail it was."

        "Nah, that's for snakebite," I said. But I'll go get it if you want."

        "PLEASE fix my foot!" yelled Ted.

        We opened our first aid package. There was some ointment, some square cotton pads, a roll of gauze, a pair of small scissors, a razor blade (for cutting open snake bites), a lead bullet (to bite on), a needle and thread, and some other first aid stuff.

        "I know!" I said, "Let's wash the blood away first! Then we can see what sort of wounds we're dealing with!"

        "Great idea!" said Tony, and picked up a rusty can to get some water from the edges of a nearby pool of pond scum.

        "Ah, guys," observed Ted, "why not just use the water in the canteens?"

        "Because we never thought it," I replied, "and besides, we might get thirsty later on. I'm also hungry and that affects my thinking."

        "Thinking?" asked Tony. "When did you start doing that?"

        "There are three candy bars in my pack. I was saving them for emergencies and this is an emergency so we can each have one for lunch." He opened his pack and tossed a candy bar to me and Tony. "NOW FIX MY FOOT!" he shouted.

        So Tony and I started to wash his foot as we ate our candy bars. Ted hadn't taken a bath or anything for several days and a couple of times Tony seemed not to want to eat his candy bar. But we managed to wash away the blood from the sole of his foot and the end of his big toe.

        "Wooooo! That's some nail hole and mouse bite," Tony said, amazed. "I'm surprised you're still alive."

        "There's till some blood leaking out," I said. "Let's build a nice fire and cauterize it. That'll stop the blood from leaking out AND kill the germs."

        "Cauterize?" asked Ted. "What does that mean?"

        I explained. "It means that we get some really, really hot iron or maybe a torch and use it to burn the blood vessels shut. It only hurts for a little while, I think."

        "Ah, no," Ted said. "Instead, lets put something on it and some gauze pads and bandage it and get me home. The Mom can take me to the hospital."

        "Excellent idea!" responded Tony. "In fact, I've been reading up on this very thing. We need to pull the poisons out of the holes and the best thing for that according to all the best books I've read is to spread fresh cow manure all over Ted's foot. It'll pull the poisons out as it dries."

        "So does tobacco juice, like the guys who chew tobacco spit. You put it on and let it dry and it pulls the poisons out!" I agreed.

        "Or gunpowder!"   Tony said. "We could pour some gunpowder on the wound and light it and....oh, wait. We don't have any. Mom said we couldn't have any, remember?"        

        I said, " We could trephine him and let the evil poisons and germs out through a hole in his head!"

        "What's that?" asked Tony.

        "We drill a hole in his head and the evil poisons come out through that," I explained.
        
        "Oh, what a good idea! Let me see if we have a drill," Tony said.

        "Would you two just put some ointment and a bandage on my foot, and please get on with it?" Ted pleaded.

        "Oh, alright, but all the authorities agree that's not the best treatment" said Tony, and quick as wink wiped a whole bunch of ointment on the bite on Ted's toe.

        The ointment really, really stung when you put it on a hurt place so Ted yelled some more, and it also turned the place bright orange. Quickly I put a gauze pad on his toe and wrapped it in place with a piece from the roll of gauze. Then I split the end of the gauze and put one end one way and the other the other and tied it in place with a neat bow knot.

        Meanwhile, Tony had wiped away the dripping blood with one of Ted's socks and then slathered a lot of ointment on the hole. As Ted continued to scream, he put some pads on the hole and wrapped the rest of the gauze around his foot and tied it in place with a lace from one of Ted's shoes. Then he wiped the rest of the ointment on the bandage "just to be safe."

        Ted now had a good left foot and a big, wrapped up, orange right foot. He was no longer screaming and crying from the ointment.

        Tony turned to me and said, "Well, that's that. Let's go catch some fish."

        Ted said, rather forcefully, "Let's go home so Mom can take me to the doctor."

        Tony said, "Tsk, tsk. Well, I suppose we should, really. It's probably the least we can do for our little brother who's going to be so sick. I thought the fishing would be better this afternoon but okay, put on your shoes and let's go." And he started cleaning things up, picking up the candy wrappers and putting the first aid stuff away.

        I said to Ted, "I don't think you can put on your right shoe and walk without help" and he agreed.

        He put on his left shoe and sock, and then took them off and put them on again with the sock first.

        "Oh, my," said Tony. "We'll have to either carry him out of the Swamp and home or at least help him walk." He shoved Ted's remaining shoe and his bloody sock into Ted's pack. "We are SUCH good brothers, aren't we, Mike?" he asked me.

        I picked up a forked branch and started trimming it with the hatchet. "Yes, we are. See? I'm even making him a crutch so he can walk without touching us and spreading his germs around."

        So we started home. The crutch worked okay, sort of, but we had to help Ted over fences and under bushes and the crutch was a little long. This we solved easily enough when we got to the sidewalks by having him hobble along with his crutch in the gutter. Once he put it into a storm drain, but we helped him out of that.

        For some reason Ted kept telling us how much it hurt and we assured him that what which the rabies and blood poisoning and lockjaw and gangrene and leprosy he had he wouldn't be suffering much longer.

          Boy, was Mom excited when we got home. She rushed him to the Emergency Room without even commenting on the nice first aid job Tony and I had done. They were gone maybe two hours and it was nearly suppertime when they got back.

        Ted had a real crutch and a bandaged foot. He was walking pretty normally, for him, and he ate supper standing up. The doctor at the hospital had given him two or three shots that made sitting down painful.

        He never did get lockjaw or tetanus or gangrene or rabies or anything except after school started his stomach would hurt when he hadn't done his homework and later on he caught a cold.

        Mom told us that the doctor had remarked on our first aid, saying that he'd never before seen so much first aid ointment applied so well or so much gauze used to bandage a foot, and that made us proud. The doctor also said it was a good thing we didn't cut Ted's foot off because that would have lead to all sorts of problems for Ted, not the least of which would have been a wooden leg and THAT would have meant a career as a pirate and of course THAT would have given Ted an unfair advantage over Tony and me. Mom never did mention our idea about trephining to the doctor, I guess.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 03:15 PM

A doff of the old fedora to the Master, Rapparee, who Giveth Good Fyctione (the first responsibility of any wannabe deity).


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 05:34 PM

Chongo learns to use tools against technology--excerpted from "Primate Dick--the Early Years" by Ruarque de Manniken, Humbug Press, Boston, 1953.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 10:05 PM

I understand from some friends in Africa that Chingoo flunked his class in stick-using. He kept poking himself, instead of the termite mound, with it. His report card read "For a chimp so ugly he sure is dumb." It was signed by his teacher, Miss Ooky.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 12:45 AM

It could have been worse - Chongo could have hit himself with a banjo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 01:05 AM

FANTASTIC footage, Amos! That is indeed Chongo in the early formative years, prior to entering human civilization, already displaying keen intelligence and curiosity.

Can you imagine how valuable that short film will be after he's been elected president? I bet it ends up in the National Archives.

It's also a thrill to finally get to see his saintly mother in "the living years", before that damn leopard got her and tragically ended her life, leaving Chongo an orphan in a hard and dangerous world.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:00 AM

Yeah, yeah, it was a cheetah all right. Chongo the CHeetah the Chimp. His mother died of a broken heart, and it is only thanks to Chinga's flexible torso that their mother dies in a comfortable bed instead of the flea-bitten cold-water dump where he left them.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 09:37 AM

Sad shadows of our Mom still linger
ALong the wall behind the garden.
But her old sclerotic fingers
Fail her. God will never pardon
Those who for a real life seeking
Mother's grace and house abandon.
Into the world, their minds all creaking,
Seeking status without standing.
Come ye home, from busy cities
All your errors to confess
Rest upon her back porch settee
Home with Mom, and with BS.


Jennifer Cauldron Innards
Pathos in Rhyme, Perhaps
Dorothy Parker Memorial Insitute
New York, 1958


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 09:51 AM

So, Chongo is transgendered, huh? The curious chimp in that film is female. It might be Chinga and her mother, but unless Chongooze had "the operation" quite young it ain't him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 12:41 PM

Prove that allegation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:06 PM

A juvenile chimpanzee arrives at the termite nest with her mother.

Right there in the heading above the video.

Chongo -- Chinga's "sister."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:21 PM

Ha! That explains SO much!! She's a Calamity Jane!! :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 02:55 PM

That simian was poking at the camera shield with a stick. If it was a male...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 03:02 PM

So they got the gender wrong in the caption. A simple error that anyone might make.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 04:29 PM

Well, the point is that assuming that WAS Chongo before his sex change, his/her innocence is quite touching, but was clearly short-lived. This was before city ways and hard liquor addled his brain and corrupted his internal compass, and drove him to cruel acts such as abandoning his mother and sister to poverty.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 07:13 PM

The National Geographic Society? I doubt they got the gender wrong. The evidence is in: Chongo was originally female, perhaps even (dare we even think this?) Chinga's twin sister!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 09:31 PM

IF so--a stunnign new hypothesis, Dr. R--it makes the subsequent abandonment even MORE heinous.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 11:38 PM

Whatever. Just be thankful that you got another chance to say "heinous". It's such a lovely sounding word. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 11:39 PM

Put all of Chongo's energy to good use - send him to North Carolina to help Bobert clean up after the storm.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jul 12 - 11:53 PM

Chongo has offered to visit Bobert on numerous occasions, Stilly.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 12:01 AM

Yeah, but not to help him clean up!!!

I think with his long arms and sinewy musculature he'd be almost as good as a 'phant in hauling off broken trees.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 12:19 AM

Chinga and Chonga, twin sisters. Yes. I must do some research on this.

Oh, yeah. Another hundred.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jul 12 - 12:39 AM

Let Chongo get the tractor out from under the tree (and remove the trees that came down in front of and behind it). That'll keep him from messing with Bobert or pulling some scatological stunt.


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