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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 12 May 03 - 03:31 PM
GUEST,She Who Waits... 12 May 03 - 02:17 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 May 03 - 12:51 PM
CarolC 12 May 03 - 12:07 PM
Amos 12 May 03 - 11:22 AM
Rapparee 12 May 03 - 09:13 AM
CarolC 12 May 03 - 07:10 AM
Ebbie 12 May 03 - 12:26 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 May 03 - 12:00 AM
Rustic Rebel 11 May 03 - 11:18 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 11:00 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 10:56 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 10:32 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 10:14 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 10:07 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 09:34 PM
GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds 11 May 03 - 09:18 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 08:57 PM
GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds 11 May 03 - 07:59 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 06:32 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 05:29 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 05:15 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 May 03 - 05:13 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 11 May 03 - 04:36 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 04:34 PM
CarolC 11 May 03 - 03:58 PM
GUEST,Harry Lee Wigley 11 May 03 - 03:41 PM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 03:33 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 02:51 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 11 May 03 - 02:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 May 03 - 02:24 PM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 02:01 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 01:01 PM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 12:41 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 12:03 PM
artbrooks 11 May 03 - 11:57 AM
khandu 11 May 03 - 11:54 AM
Amos 11 May 03 - 11:31 AM
khandu 11 May 03 - 11:06 AM
Amos 11 May 03 - 10:04 AM
Mark Cohen 11 May 03 - 04:47 AM
artbrooks 11 May 03 - 01:22 AM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 01:10 AM
Rustic Rebel 11 May 03 - 01:06 AM
khandu 11 May 03 - 12:37 AM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 12:18 AM
Amos 11 May 03 - 12:09 AM
GUEST,Donald Rumsfeld 10 May 03 - 11:59 PM
khandu 10 May 03 - 11:50 PM
Tweed 10 May 03 - 11:38 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 03 - 03:31 PM

Linda:

That's exactly the kind of thing Bill would go out of his way to arrange, especially if they were hoof-trim instead!! I assure you, your dreams CAN be realized; Khandu has an inside line on which he supports, facilitates, nay encourages this sort of obsessive obscenity. I commend you to his good graces and arguable competence.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,She Who Waits...
Date: 12 May 03 - 02:17 PM

So am I, Rapaire! This forum has no respect at all for William Shatner (with the exception of a few enlightened individuals like Khandu and Little Hawk). It's disgusting! I would roll in Bill's toenail clippings if I had the chance to.

- Linda D.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:51 PM

Well, Yore Majesty, them Hollywood perducer fellers jus' called 'n tole me thet due t' lack uv enuff funds t' bribe th' bord members, thay did not git thet parole they wuz 'spectin'. So, it 'pears thet th' moovee prodjeck is a dead en'.

But, jus' az Ah wuz gonna send Yore Elevatedness this message Ah looks up an' whut do Ah see but CarolC the Sailor Crapper Girl's post sayin' thet her son iz a moovee makin' feller! Whut a stroke uv dumb idjit luck! Mebbe th' moovee will git made after all!

We ankjustly awate knowin' whut happens when Missus Sailor tells her boy uv this golden oppertunity fer emmortality.


Yore frend an' Knower of Thangs


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:07 PM

Me too, Amos. He did that picture himself. And, proud mother that I am, I'm also going to brag a little about the fact that he has recently finished filming his first feature length film, which he intends to enter into the Sundance film festival as well as some other film festivals.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:22 AM

Carol:

Terrific picture. I like the way he flies!

Rapaire: I'm sorry -- I think you posted to the wrong thread. Bill Shatner's mother is covered on the "Biggest Mistakes You Ever Made" thread.

BWL: After the movie's done see me about some ocean front property over near the Rio Grande.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 May 03 - 09:13 AM

I completely disagree with all the foregoing! It is obvious that the 'Cat has been taken over by leftist neoconservatives who couldn't carry a tune without splitting it into upper and lower registers. You will all be devoured by Moloch, probably covered with catsup and mustard, as soon as Iraq settles the PELs issue with Hull9!

I thought that this was about Bill Shatner's mother. I'm disappointed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 12 May 03 - 07:10 AM

Well, my son, the Superhero, called me for Mother's Day, and he did not call me "Queen". Here's a picture of him flying over the Vatican:

My son the Superhero


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:26 AM

LOL


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:00 AM

Dear King khandu,

Jus' thought Ah'd pop in 'n give yer Royal Highness a update on th' moovee thet is bein' made uv ma life story.

Them Hollywood fellers hav assured me thet thay will begin workin' on th' movie as soon as thay are released on th' parole thay 'spect t' git at their hearin' on Monday. In th' meantime, thay need 'bout ten thousand dollars fer lawyers' fees thet thay 'spect t' inkur in hirin' all them stars t' play us in th' moovee 'n such. If you cud loan me th' munny, Ah'm purty shur thet Banderas playin' Yer Highness is a shur thing. If not, do you hav Artbrooks's fone number. Them perducer fellers is purty shur thay kin git John Travolta t' play hiz part fer about five grand.

Yer Knower of Things


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:18 PM

I had a vision.
It was of the Mother Queen floating on a waterless cloud. (No, not you Carol, but the other, Mother Queen) She was surrounded by fruit and frock-less men. She held high a sceptre in one hand and was scatching her butt with the other. I could tell she was pleased. Her smile emanated a superior embrace around the Kingdom of Kandu. She pushed aside her frock-less grape feeding, servile yeoman, and rose from her white porcelain throne and she spoke.
She said, "Son, call home."


My interpretation of my vision; King Kandu-if you don't call your mamma, you gonna get a butt whoopin'.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:00 PM

That's my Maw!!!

Uh... but she doesn't have a dawg...that was my step-daddy.

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:56 PM

Well I splained about yerself being the King of al l Mississippi and she kinda wondered why it hadn't made the newspapers, but she chalked that up to rural lag, news traveling slowly. Last I heard she had dropped the phone and was running for the door yelling "Dorie!! Dor-IEEWEE!! You'll NEVAH GUESS what mah boy has done!!!". Then I heard the screen door slam. Then there was a snuffling and slurping sound -- kinda like a dog makes when he pokes you in the ear, ya know?-- and what sounded like teeth on Bakelite, and the connection got cut off. But I reckon she was purdy happy. I'm glad she has a big dog, though...

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:32 PM

What'd she say? What'd she say?

k


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:14 PM

How appropriate, your Majesty. I am sure your Mother is very proud of you, being the King of all Mississippi and all. Or haven't you told her the good news yet?

Would you like me to? I can be diplomatic when the occasion warrants.
I think I would enjoy explaining your remarkable ascent in the world to her. I think I will go call her just now! 'Scuse me.....

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:07 PM

My, my! The MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS brings them crawling outta the woodwork!

And, you, dear Jessup, the honorary Minister of Golden-Tongued Double Talk, you are doing well in your position!

BTW, methinks there is a reference to "clouds without water" in the New Testament. And since clouds are made of water then clouds without water must be nothing at all!

I do welcome Sir Harold ( who did not recieve his knighthood from the King of Mississippi) to the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS! The more, the BSier!

I have noticed that this thread is slowing creeping up on our "cross-thread", "Happy Birthday, Spaw". HAW HAW HAW!!!

Have any of you considered cheese today? Or, did Mother's Day take your minds off it?

I have treated myself with a re-watching of "Little Big Man" to honor my mother, who has never seen the movie. She still has not seen it, because she lives 100 miles from me. Nonetheless, Happy Mother's Day, Maw!!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 09:34 PM

Sorry, Ralphie -- did I blow your cover with da mark? Shucks, 's only fair -- you remember the Contessa? That plane ticket to Marseilles I bought ya? Ya know even Bell-Bong Hobart knows that what goes around comes around, there, big boy. Never mind, you'll get another mark. I can see you've been practicing them big words, and it'd be a shame to waste all that eddification -- ya wanna try a deal I got cooking over in Cambridge? Some snooty Brit blueblood, betcha she's loaded.

Mum's da woid,

(Sir) Muzzy

(BTW, I don't think there's such a thing as a cloud widdout water Ralphie -- how many times do I gots ta tell yer, do yer homework. It'll save ya a lot of embarrasink moments.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds
Date: 11 May 03 - 09:18 PM

I learned eons ago to never respond to one whose name means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

Mr. Wigley has had detractors for centuries. They have passed; Mr. Wigley has remained.

One hundred years from now, the toad shall no longer be here. Mr. Wigley shall.

Rant, rave, ye heathen toads! You words are empty, like clouds without water. You are but an ephemera. A vapor. A gnat flying around the anus of a Giant.

Sir Harold


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 08:57 PM

Sir Harold:

If Elf-Round Wigglehard's character has been so long unimpeached, it is only because he has been so successful at occluding it from the public eye.There are many such on this plane, who would be impeached instanter if their true nature were but understood by the voting public.

It is likely that he returns to you each lifetime, time after time, only because of unfinished business -- probably a dastardly and perverted desire on his part having to do with electronic affirmations.

Until you face the truth, he will be clinging to you like an unwashed dingleberry through the millenia no matter how lofty the identity you acquire. All I can do, having given you due warning of what it is in which you are truly enmired, is to wish you luck with it. If y7ou wish to arrange for a personal, highly effective and highly expensive exorcism, contact me by personal messenger.

And by the way, where did you get the knighthood, Ralphie? You wasn't tagging it onto your moniker the last time I caught you pulling confidence scams in Monaco. Find it in a cereal box, didja?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds
Date: 11 May 03 - 07:59 PM

What is all this stuff? Why is it allowed? Are there no rules here? Are there no moderators to maintain control?

Whilst surfing the web this evening, I decided to seek out an old friend whom I knew a few lifetimes ago. So I went to Google and type in Harry Lee Wigley. Imagine my surprise that the only link regarding him led me here, where he is belittled by one called "AMOS", which, in our language means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

I met Mr. Wigley in each one of my lifetimes and, in each, I found him to be a man of unimpeached character. His words have carried me through the web-spinning toad worlds many times.

He is a man ofsuperlative wisdom and grace.

How can the management of this place allow such blasphemy to spew freely without censoring the "toads" who dare speak it?

Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 06:32 PM

Your majesty,

Your Mentor, El Roth Wigglebard, has said a certain number of true things with a wit and invcisiveness that is rarely seen outside of the dryers row at beauty parlors across the land.

While I cannot grant him as much merit as you do, I will grant him his meretriciousness, indeed. Such wisdom as I have not seen in all my post-grade-school days is laid before my eyes here on a Mudcat thread. How unlikely, unseemly, untimely, nay, dare I say indigestible??!!

You are truly fortunate to have found so precious a rapscallion with whom to entrust your future; It guarantees a long series of surprising returns, most of them to square One. I have never seen his like as a simalucrum of genuine verbosity. He is the very soul of width, if not depth, and you should count yourself lucky to have found him as a mentor so that he does not have to work at the Post Office in the Dead Letters department, as an aspiring author.

I can only conjecture that humanity is better off left to its own devices.

With kindest regards,

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 05:29 PM

My Poet-Lariat, the KNOWER OF THINGS, has beaten me to the 200th post, but it is well. Only he could take the stead of the King in such a circumstance.

I am pleased to see that my Mentor, HLW, has decided to grace us with his Wisdom. This is a rare treat! Catters, I do not think you realize the import of his posting. He has never posted anything on any web site before, and he chooses to make his First Post at the

MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!!

This is an event! A happening!

Tis a grand day for humanity!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 05:15 PM

It is proper that I should have the opportunity to post #200 on this thread!

Onward! Onward, I say! THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS has hit the 200 mark! Where shall it stop? Let it continue to infinity!

We are on a roll here, Catters! Let,s push on while we have the moment of momentum!

King khandu


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 May 03 - 05:13 PM

Dear Tweed,

I have not received a message from you by pigeon regarding your ongoing problem with migrating black vultures (Coragyps atratus). If you were, in fact, able to catch a pigeon (aka common rock dove, Columba livia) and attempt to send a missive in such a manner, it is entirely likely that your messnger was eaten by one of the red-tailed hawks (Buteo jamaicensis) that frequent the trees around my humble abode.

At any rate, having been made aware of your predicament via your prior posting to this thread, I shall take the liberty of advising you of an effective means of removing vultures from your plastic Walmart chairs (aka "Buzzard Porta-potties").

First, you must obtain some armadillos (Dasypus novemcinctus). They do have armadillos in West Palm Beach, don't they? If they don't, get in your car and drive north until you find some. If you must, just drive up here to northern Santa Rosa County and I'll give you all you'll ever need. PM me in advance and I'll have you a 144 cubic foot U-Haul trailer full of them by the time you get here.

Now, after obtaining the armadillos, take them to your patio where the buzzards are roosting and let them out of their cages. As any fool knows, armadillos are the absolute favorite food of Florida buzzards. However, the vast majority of Florida buzzards have never seen a live armadillo before. Their primitive buzzard brains will see the armadillos and go, "Food!". But, when they see the armadillos move those same primitive buzzard brains will go, "Holy Shit! Food don't s'posed ta move!". The very presence of moving food will scare off approximately ninety percent of the buzzards in question. The other ten percent will simply follow the armadillos around, waiting for them to assume the flattened and immobile condition with which the buzzards are more familiar. The 'dillos will walk out into traffic and be struck by cars in short time (after all, that is the armadillo's true raison d'etre) and the buzzards who will have been following them closely, will be dispatched by the very same vehicles.

A simple and effective plan, I'm sure you will agree.

Bruce (Takin' a break from the idjit schtick - but he'll be baaack...)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 May 03 - 04:36 PM

By jove, you now have me laughing heartily! Amos, you could have a wonderful career making speaking tours throughout the British Isles, entertaining the intelligentsia in drawing rooms everywhere! I suggest you get right on it. I would be happy to book you into an appearace in Twillingsgate posthaste (to use a term which Khandu clearly loves...). Malcolm Buggeroll would no doubt be green with envy, and the frustration might lead him to perform some rash act which would land him before the magistrate. I, for one, would like to see that. I could also arrange for you to meet Oakley, in whom I think you would find a kindred soul...and he plays the violin beautifully.

Now, as for attaining the exalted state of KHANDU...I understand the concept, but I'm not really ready for it at this time. I'm enjoying my sense of individuality, being Penelope Rutledge, a bit too much as yet to want to become EVERYTHING. Perhaps when I'm an old lady...

As Harry Lee Wigley says in his utterly BRILLIANT exposition above: "To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU"."

Marvelous! Harry Lee Wigley should also come to Twillingsgate forthwith, posthaste, and with utmost dispatch! He is clearly a seer of the first water. I am impressed.

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 04:34 PM

That Wigley character is a right tortoise and a puredee fraud in my estimation. For one thing it is obvious if he took anyone on his lap in 1911, it wasn't Khandu. Probably his own niece, Khandu's mother, who was traumatized by his electronic affirmations. Anyway, I am sure he is a highly evolved spiritual windbag, but not much more than that. Now I have heard Mister Khandu's music, and it is extremely earthbound stuff, and guaranteed to wring the heart of any humanoid adolescent. So someone is passing around the Codwallop.

Humphhh!!

Try to be nice to a gal and see what it gets ya!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 11 May 03 - 03:58 PM

Woahhhh...

khandu's been channeling Harry Lee Wigley. Far out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Harry Lee Wigley
Date: 11 May 03 - 03:41 PM

As an observer of the Human condition for over twelve decades, I feel compelled to speak on a matter which now lies before you.
The one called "Amos" has touched upon a great Truth, howbeit, it was merely a "touch". He, in his limited condition of humaness, is not able to go beyond the outskirts of this Truth without someone from within the Edenic Reality giving him guidance.

Such is true with all humanity.

I, being ascended, today present "snippets" of the Truths within this Reality, forasmuch as I elect to see if any shall take these Truths and enter deeper.

"KHANDU" and "khandu" are not the same. "KHANDU" is a state of being, while "khandu" is a being who is nearing that state. To be "KHANDU" is to be, no...not "one with the universe", but rather, the Universe itself.

My disciple, who I took upon my lap in 1911, has proven a true and faithful disciple. khandu has been my reflection upon this Earth for decades. As each day slips into Never-never, khandu has only more greatly reflected his Mentor, HLW.

Indeed, Ms Penelope Rutledge can become "KHANDU"! But the cost is great. Amos Jessup has shown her the first "smooth" path to becoming Khandu, but there will be many more paths for her. The more she pursues the paths, the harder they become. However, she will grow more able to take the next path with each passing path,

At this point, I must present a conundrum...To "Be" one must first see that he already "Is".

To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU".

I speak in riddles because I speak of Life.

Perhaps the following is a good place for Ms. Rutledge (or anyone else trying to reach "KHANDU") to begin.

Understand..."there is more to be considered and less to be assumed".

Do not attempt to contact me...for I shall contact you.

HLW


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 03:33 PM

Thar is no need whatsomever for the transendangered Mz.P to BECOME Lord Khnardwitz, Amos. I habv run electronic posting programs (a Beta download from Ashcroft's Personal GeoCities site) and habv determined without much dowtt she/he really iz Khargwarts, khing ob all Mizippi or a very closet relative ob Hiz!!

Do not be fuelish and taken in by her/hiz refined demanor and ridikomous talk ob pet grubbing. Wif the wighat an' red dress on she iz even more powermus and deceptioness than wif the Cherokee headress seen to adorn hiz Royal cranius most days.

Watch yore backside Sir Amos, no amount obv lassitudes or golden tonguing will avail you if you fall victual to this Harpy from Hell!!

Yerz,
Tweed
FKOTROMAATGAP and Harbinger obv Hope


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:51 PM

Esteemed Madame:

'Tis wisely said that every tragedy contains the seeds of a great opportunity, and thus it is in your own perilous case. I urge you not to grow unduly faint, nor yet succumb to the inevitable Vapours induced by the notion recently bruited about these parts that you are Khandu. No recourse to mere physical description is necessary, I assure your esteemed self, to put the lie to such meretricious calumnies. It is in the very breath of your language, the intimate style of yourperspective, and it cannot be gainsaid how different, indeed, you are in every way from his Royal self.

However, from this tragic assertion of similitude where none may be found, let us scrutinize the matter to detect the pearl ofopportunity, dear Madam. For it lies now within your power, as it may never have before, to acheive a transcendant and divine transforation. The subject having thus been breached, unwittingly, the door has been cast wide ajar for your own benefit -- for, deny it though you may, the wonderful truth is that you are facing the opportunity of all opportunities -- dare I say the Mother of all Opportunities? For you, dearest Madame, are now in the enviable position of becoming Khandu! Oh, the lips tremble in the very saying of it!!

All that is required, fairest Penelope, is that you apply yourself energetically to resisting ferociously all assertions of any similarity -- dispel, rebut, counter-argue, debate and refute them at every turn! I am assured by those most versed in the Intricacies of Metaphysical Mechanics that, without doubt, your application in this wise will surely being about a transformation, and you shall acheive, in the end, the glorious reward I have mentioned of joining his Highness in Unique and Indisitinguishable State of Being, which is Khandu.

I remain madame, your most obedient servant and devoted supporter, and transmit to you herewith my profound wishes for success in this sublime transmogrification,

A.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:33 PM

I must confess that you chaps have me giggling over my tea and cookies here. I have never seen a barrage of silliness to equal this thread, which is earning its title handsomely. What puzzles me is how you get other things done, such as shopping, bathing, eating meals, and so on.

My schedule is quite full, so I can only stop in momentarily, but I try to keep an eye on things. Today I addressed the Ladies' Auxiliary on the merits of grooming one's dog or cat frequently. I am very much involved in improving the lives of the pets in this community.

I would gather that Tweed has recovered from his last pretty obvious binge, and I hope that he is now considering my sage advice, and tossing away the bottle for good. I find it hysterically funny that he thinks (apparently) that I am Khandu. I've seen photos of Khandu. He's a skinny, but fairly presentable fellow with an artistic sort of look. He resembles me in no wise.

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:24 PM

Mah Deer King Khandu,

Well, it haz not bin a full twenty-four ours sense ma narrow excape frum th' clutches of thet Rumsfeld feller. Ah'm 'on tell you wut, tho. Mah life haz sertinly changed. Sumhow, th' story of ma sudden rise t' fame n' glory widdin th' Court of Mississippi - ma bein' named Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi n' Knower of Things - 'n ma eekwally sudden fall to idjithood went an' attrackted theze fokes frum th' local TeeVee stayshun. Thay had ma humbel self on th' TeeVee nooze las' nite 'n ma fone's bin rangin' off th' hook ever since.

Well, Ah jus' got a call frum sum feller out in Hollywood 'n thay wants t' make a moovee of mah life story! Yes, Yore Lordship, it's th' troof! Thay'z tryin' t' deside who thay want t' play me in th' movie. Ah don't thank it shud be Tom Hanks az he haz alreddy played wun idjit in a moovee n' did a reel good job. He also look'z purty awful wid a beard. Ah'm thinkin' eether Sean Connery or Nick Nolte (if'n thay kin git Nolte's hed outta th' bottle long enuff 'n Connery don't die first). We 'uz also talkin' 'bout who cud play Yore Majesty 'n thet Tweed feller 'n Rustic Rebel 'n Amos 'n Spaw 'n Boberdz 'n Carol-th'-Crapper-Girl 'n th' rest. Ah thank thay're wantin' Antonio Banderas fer Yore Highness 'n Kevin Spacey fer Tweed 'n Liv Tyler fer CarolC. Ah don' remember th' res'.

Ah'm shur thet Ah'll be headin, out t' California soon t' be speshul kunsultent on th' moovee. Ah' will try to stop in 'n say "Howdy" to Th' Minister of Golden-Tongued Double-Talk while Ah am there. If Ah kin bring Yore Royalness back sum erenges er anythin', pleeze let me know.

Yore Humbel Survent,

Bee-dubya-ell
Formerly Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi

Ah guess Ah kin still be yore Knower of Things az long az it's not too many things. Az th' former First Duck sugjested, one-and-a-half, mebbe, two things iz 'bout all mah pore brain kin handel. Ya want any more, find Yore Royal Self a Knower of Things who ain't a idjit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:01 PM

My Dere Anos.

I will take yore advice under deliberation and recuse my miserable self upon her sweet mercies.

She becomes exceeding morose however, and I habv reason to beehive thet it iz largey due to the buzzards' curious and unnerving behabvior. The malodormouse beasts khanbee seen lined up signalfiled from the grapefruit tree to her new fountain, squawking and jostling one another and generaly causing much chaos to ensue. For some unentrailable reason they look upon the Fountain ob Motherly Serenity, wif a casteing ob a lithe woman holding her little umprella, az thar own bidet and their non stop ablutions are most disturbing to witness from close quarters! I need not tell you what a bizarre site it iz to watch a buzzard laving it's arse from a Walmart lawnchair not five feet distant!

I will tharfore send out a call to my FloridaBrether, the disenfranchised BeeWL by pidgeon ef I can capture one alive, and ax hiz advize senz he seams well-versed in buzzard lore and oslo wabez, until recently, the Royal Pomade Lariat.

That failing, I will call in the highly traned and effervescent artbrooks who will be able to make short work obv this situation, so you see I hav given seromous thought to the problem and my dear wif's impending conflagration.

I thank you most seniley for yore good advice and council and reamane...

Yerz,
Tweed
Fond du Lac/ObGyn/Idiot Savant/
FKOTROTTGAPAATE


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 01:01 PM

Good Sir Tweed, Kind Sir Tweed, nay dare I say, articulate Sir Tweed, grant me this small boon, I prithee, good Knight.

Do thou go forth, all brave of countenance and dire of mien, and speak to thine own true wife, who has born all manner of outrage in her commitment to travel thee with along the many tortured passages of your fevered history. Do thou, good Sir, on one knee before her lower thyself, and speak to her words of comfort that she shall know your current derangement is not by a temporary trifle, and that surely she shall see her love once more. Forward to her, Sir, on my behalf and on thepart of all good Mudcats everywhere, our remonstrances of deepest affection and compassionate commiseration, and wish upon her lily brow only the kindest and best wishes for this day of All Muvvers.

An' you fail me Sir, it shall haunt you unto the grave, for thou hast an angel in attendance who shall not be slighted!!

I remain, Good Tweed, your Obdt Srvnt, Sir,

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:41 PM

My Lord Khnadnuts,
I prey to begin by returning felicitatious offerings for best of Mother's Day, you Muvver!! Also I would undress,in publik, yore resent PMS accusing me of being unintelligibble and coarse in speech.

The Grate State ob Florida,being second only in complete and udder ignornze to yore own mismanaged Khingdom iz no doubt respondable for my speech inflections and narcossis, but close proximatory contak wif the Motherlode of Low Budgied Schools habv run me obver the cliff and deepre into the darking.

Howsomevver that may be, yore reighn haz clarly invoked an awesome depth ob deprabation and true ignornze which succumbs ever wider by the hour and does multiply like the mink and the badger. I waz oncet a nearly senchant being but lately havb cast off all false hopes of enny intelligent conversment capabilitys. I regret thadid haz become necklacsary of late to adopt this manner ob...er...communicating to throw off the pedants and The Royal Buggerers ob Cattle which habituate these hectares, subsisting only on the flesh obv the half and quarter witted. I find thet it confusifies the overtlysentientiative and they hab no idea whar to begin correcting my texts and thus I yam left to roam free az I please and habv foulnd true bliss in this discomfture.

Posonby soom day all human peeple in Mudcat will vomit forth such gibberish and realise the follo ob serious leveled circumscizhions and that they are realy only a chromasome away from treu libation and trufth az well!

Aslo wif high regard to Mother's Day,my long sovvering wifer habz voiced some consternable invocations re: my outbursts of laughers fallod by heaving sobs and violent jerking movenents senz this MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD began, but we got her a nice fountain/buzzard baff for Mothers Day and it iz bubbling on the patio where she sits supine in Zenlike contemplation ob all things ethereal.

Yerz,
Sir Tweed
FKOTROMAATEBGAP
FORMER KNIGHT OB THE REALM OB TUPELO AND ALL THINGS ETHEREAL BOF GOOD AND PURE


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:03 PM

Oooooopps! It sounds as though artbrooks just passed a little gas...bnut that's okay. After all, he is also his own Personal Bidet!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:57 AM

pppfffpt!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:54 AM

My dear Jessup, I am awed! You are certainly surfing high on the latest wave of spewed vomit this thread has produced. Your peotry...impeccable (Except Mark Cohen did peck on it a bit...so I guess it aint reall"impeckable"!)

Your response to Mark...brilliant! After I finish this post, I am gonna follow the instructions and put this thing in the freezer!

Your restraint, understatement and subtlety in the last post is that of a Master Wordjessup!

I want you all to look at artbrooks last post. Did you notice that my personal asswipe uh, bidet, has affected Tweed's manner of speech. I believe that this is an attempt to "fill the void" which Tweed left in my Kingdom, and, therefore, he thinks that I will promote him to First Duck in Tweed's stead. Never happen!

However, I shall promote him to anonther position with greater responsibility...

Be it known that my Personal Royal Bidet, artbrooks, shall now be expanded in his office to...EVERYONE'S PERSONAL ASSWIPE BIDET!!

That should keep him busy!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:31 AM

Judging from the Spawn of BS in the environment I would say that although much unwed, she is prolifically reproductive in every walk of life. Either that or she is claiming an ancestral role which she does not deserve. So it seems BS is also round-heeled and easily persuaded...

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:06 AM

HAPPY MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS DAY!!!!!!
Has this mother gotten pregnant yet? There seems to have been several who have tried to f&&k her!

K


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:04 AM

Mark is clearly possessed of extreme analytical skills indeed -- an analytical exremist par maximus.

The truth is even stranger and one of those things that make certain pieces of art suddeny become valuable beyoind all measure, like the stamps they print upside down in error.

You are fortunate, here in this thread, that you have had a first edition on your screen, before the corrections come out and restore the work to its merely astronomical value. I would suggest you center the monitor on the original version and freeze it to capture those immortal but flawed lines on their == put the whole monitor in the freezer and leave it there. It will be worth a LOT some day, I am telling you right now!!

OK -- the truth is that I was briefly visited by an alien who spoke a tongue in which "Two" and "L" are not only whyming but identical. He was so enamored of the original line that he interrupted me just as I was going to update it with something more assimilable by earthlings, and he insisted it was more than perfect just as written.


"We will not heed this spawn of hell,
Nor turn on poor BeeDubya-Ell
But Rumsfeld turn around again
And send him back to Dumbo Ten"

would work, and also please the alien, whose home planet is actually called Dumbo Ten. Wouldn't mean much to Urflinks though.

I am inclined to prefer.

...
"But Rumsfeld give the Bummer's Rush
And back to Bushie quickly flush"

and decree it shall be so.

How's that for a lucky guess?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 11 May 03 - 04:47 AM

Well, Rustic Rebel, I agree it was pretty good. OK, it was darn good.   BUT...in verse 8 he rhymed "again" with "two"!!! Now, the way I see it, there are several possible explanations here:
(1) In San Diego dialect, "again" rhymes with "two".
(2) He originally thought the current Prexodent was Bush X (that is to say, Ten) then forgot to change the other line when he realized his error.
(3) This verse is a secret code message for Saddam Hussein and/or Tony Blair.
(4) Living as he does in San Diego, the northernmost city in Mexico, he originally wrote the song in Spanish--"otra vez" and "dos" being...well, would you call them near rhymes?
(5) He can't write rhymes to save his life, and all the other lines were just lucky guesses.

Aloha,
Mark
(leaning toward #3, but not really sure)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 May 03 - 01:22 AM

King's Personal Bidet, is it? Ah thinck this lil bugger reely needs sum hep, an he ain't gonna get it fum no dam Runnysfeld purson. Dam bugger is corncobbin' sum innersent cow critter!. Duz inny budy kno the bes way to defrok a king?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 01:10 AM

Lord Khnadzeus wrote: I commanded my Royal subjects to start shooting the corn to a sexy heifer I have in the back lot in order to fatten her up quick just for YOU!!!

Dere Khing Khnardo,
I beseech you to call off the Royal Buggerers obv Cattle. I should not wish my name to be assosimated wif enny mistreatment of innocent farm animals az that would definitly not be in the Codex obv All Things Good and Pure. If possible I would intervein and ax a boon for the pore heffer and mebbe Amos could use hiz position az Royal Bottom Wiper to rub a soothing salve or some udder balm on the bewildered bovine's affected areas.   

Yores,
Tweed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 11 May 03 - 01:06 AM

Amos, I stand before you humbled, for you are the rhyming roper of the hour!
This is almost the Mother Goddess of all threads, or just a mother of a thread, I am decidedly undecided on that one.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:37 AM

How shall I speak of Amos? Truly, a gifted man is among us. In years tto come, many will speak of the greats; of Carlisle, of Winthrop, of Ackerman. But those who are wise in their knowledge...those in the know...will speak of Amos. In whispered tones, they shall speak, as those who speak of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and King khandu.

Tweedzerz, the last time I butchered a fatassed calf was in honor of Harry Ass Truman. However, just this morning, I commanded my Royal subjects to start shooting the corn to a sexy heifer I have in the back lot in order to fatten her up quick just for YOU!!!

Rumsfield...get the helloutta my Kingdom and let me see you no more.
Also, the fellow you arrested is not Harry Lee Wigley...HLW left this world in 1973!!!....Dumass!

Is life not grand? Just look at the wonder waiting to be discovered on this earth...better yet, in this thread!!! Because, this, my dear ones, is...

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:18 AM

Thank you O Magnanimous Khning Khnadzoff yore offer iz temptuous but I feer I should renegade myself to stumbling amongst the stones and geckos in search ob the true meaning ob all things Good and Pure.

Howsomever should you decide to kill the fatassed calf and mek some pulled beef barbecue sammitchez wif corsely chop cole slaw spread like shag carpet on the bottom bun or slice of WonderBread I would brake my fast and sup at the Royal Table yet agin.

Yerz,
Tweed
(the ExPaté and exiled)K.O.T.R.O.T.
Agricola, Agricolae, Agricolum


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:09 AM

Down in Mississipi by the light of the moon
The Khandu King plays a Khandu Tune
With fifteen maidens humming strong
To help him in his Royal song

Khandu, whom Mississippi crowned
Is not a King who lies around
Oh, no! Although he likes his fun,
He is a King who gets things Done.

When commerce fell, wealth did abate
Throughout his Noble Southern State
He tracked the source of public evil:
A nasty bug, the old Boll Weevil

But quicker than a Delta Shrike
Old Khandu did with power strike
And brought those weevils to their knees
By broadcasting Pink Flloyd CDs

Until the weevils all around
Came swarming out of Miss's ground
And headed off to leave the Nation
Driven by punitive vibrations.

And now,a challenge worse is leveled,
Born not of Nature, but the Devil!
A scion of hell, in human dressage
Has posted Khandu, King, a message!

His glowing eyes, his smile so pale
Would make a lesser mortal quail
But Khandu's made of sterner stuff
And tell his country men, "Enough!"

"We will not heed this spawn of hell,
Nor turn on poor BeeDubya-Ell
But Rumsfeld turn around again
And send him back to Dubya Two!"

"To arms, to arms, oh, Mississipps!
Bring out your squirrel guns! Man your ships!
We'll squash this monstrous face of evil
As fast as we dispatched the Weevil!"

So spoke the King; the King Khandu
And every Mississipian true,
Stands by tonight, the whole night through,
Wondering what their King will do....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Donald Rumsfeld
Date: 10 May 03 - 11:59 PM

Dear King khandu,

Regarding my previous missive to The Court of Mississippi seeking information about the one "Bee-dubya-ell" in the matter of vandalism of the Atmore Amtrak station restroom, we are please to inform you that your assistance is no longer required. We have made an arrest in the matter, and it seems that your Mr. "Bee-dubya-ell" was innocent of any wrongdoing. The person we have arrested, who goes by the name of Harry Lee Wigley, has confessed to all crimes under investigation.

Sincerely,

Donald Rumsfeld
Attorney General United States of America


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 10 May 03 - 11:50 PM

Sir Tweed, you were my first First Duck and, as far as I am concerned, my last First Duck.

I am fully aware of Queen Carol, the Crapper Girl's wiles. Indeed, I khandu, was somewhat tempted to join her Queendom my self.

Therefore, I can see how lesser men, like yourself, could be swayed by the beauty of the accordian. Indeed, there is a haunting sirenis effect in the instrument.

My dear Tweed, your position remains. Much as the Father in the "Prodigal Son" tale, am I...awaiting the return of the wandering boy.

With open arms, I shall joyfully receive you, if ever you choose to return.

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 10 May 03 - 11:38 PM

Good Lord!...a Muse ob BS! Go away foul spirit!!! Leave me now to wither like a salted sluggard!!
artbrooks relegated to the title of Royal Bidet...Amos relegated to a wiper of Royal bottoms or somfing equally awful and repugilist.
Jack the King of Sailors brandying hockey sticks defending his own fair Queen CaroltheSailorR. and who can find fault wif that...

Khing Khnadzoz gibbering merrily away atop his throne in the cupboard, sensing hiz immenent victory and flinging horse apples at all who venture near...

....Alas and alack, ...I the First Duck ob Mizippi (twice removed), Minister of Chivalry and the Honorable Code of All Good and Pure Knights wander like a ghost in the desert senz the dream habv been pulled from my eye. Bewildered and reindeered insensible wif this turn obv events...

"O, Torn and frayed,
Beaten and rebuked.
Pore Tweed iz lost
The Ex-Duc d'Coots

His quest iz finished
Some thought it Freudian,
But it were only for the Queen
And her accordian."


Yerz,
Tweedzzrzz
Coot d'Zenda


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