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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 09 Jun 07 - 03:55 PM
Rapparee 09 Jun 07 - 02:42 PM
Amos 09 Jun 07 - 01:18 PM
Little Hawk 09 Jun 07 - 11:56 AM
GUEST,MMario 09 Jun 07 - 11:38 AM
Amos 09 Jun 07 - 09:43 AM
Acme 09 Jun 07 - 12:37 AM
Amos 09 Jun 07 - 12:24 AM
Rapparee 08 Jun 07 - 12:39 PM
Amos 08 Jun 07 - 10:05 AM
Acme 08 Jun 07 - 09:48 AM
Acme 08 Jun 07 - 09:48 AM
Acme 08 Jun 07 - 09:28 AM
Rapparee 08 Jun 07 - 09:15 AM
Rapparee 07 Jun 07 - 03:13 PM
MMario 07 Jun 07 - 01:39 PM
beardedbruce 07 Jun 07 - 01:34 PM
Rapparee 07 Jun 07 - 12:30 PM
Amos 07 Jun 07 - 10:23 AM
Acme 06 Jun 07 - 11:56 PM
Rustic Rebel 06 Jun 07 - 11:21 PM
Rapparee 06 Jun 07 - 09:30 PM
Acme 06 Jun 07 - 03:06 PM
Rapparee 06 Jun 07 - 01:48 PM
MMario 06 Jun 07 - 10:52 AM
Amos 06 Jun 07 - 10:36 AM
MMario 06 Jun 07 - 10:25 AM
Acme 06 Jun 07 - 10:11 AM
Amos 06 Jun 07 - 09:51 AM
Rapparee 06 Jun 07 - 09:15 AM
Amos 05 Jun 07 - 11:37 PM
Acme 05 Jun 07 - 10:56 PM
Rapparee 05 Jun 07 - 10:37 PM
Rapparee 05 Jun 07 - 10:29 PM
Acme 05 Jun 07 - 09:31 PM
Amos 05 Jun 07 - 09:00 PM
John Hardly 05 Jun 07 - 09:00 PM
Acme 05 Jun 07 - 08:40 PM
Rapparee 05 Jun 07 - 07:33 PM
Acme 05 Jun 07 - 05:53 PM
Acme 05 Jun 07 - 12:50 PM
Amos 05 Jun 07 - 11:36 AM
Acme 05 Jun 07 - 01:26 AM
Acme 04 Jun 07 - 08:49 PM
Acme 04 Jun 07 - 09:48 AM
Acme 04 Jun 07 - 09:27 AM
MMario 04 Jun 07 - 08:39 AM
GUEST 04 Jun 07 - 08:28 AM
MMario 04 Jun 07 - 08:22 AM
Amos 04 Jun 07 - 08:13 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 03:55 PM

And they probably don't have a Hilton in Paris, Texas.

MMario, I hope that's a hotel room wherer you've adjusted the thermostat. If someone tried that here at the house I'd have to get a second mortgage to pay the electric bill.

This is the summer for ceiling fans, baby powder, cross-breezes and lots of iced tea.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 02:42 PM

When I was in Paris I never stayed at the Hilton. I stayed in some cheap little dive that offered such amenities as indoor plumbing and electricity. Actually, I don't usually stay at a Hilton in Paris, France or Paris, Missouri or anywhere else because I think they cost too much for what you get, unless it's a conference hotel or something. Ptui on Hiltons, even on their Head.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 01:18 PM

You would have to haul in the trash of the outside world, eh, Leedle Hack?

Ptui on Paris Hilton. I hpe someone ... no, I take it back. But not the ptui part. It comes straight from the ptuitary gland.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 11:56 AM

What? No gossiping about Paris Hilton here?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 11:38 AM

Hi MOM! I'm in Flouridiah! It's hot and it's humid and hot. we've got the thermostat in our room down to 55 though so were able to sleep in comfort. big Wedding this evening, spossed to be outdoors so hoping the thunderstorms predicted don't occur.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 09:43 AM

Would you be interestied in an All-American Cradle-Robbing Competition? As a prize?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 12:37 AM

And I'm not even close.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 12:24 AM

Well, Rapaire, I have given up trying to catch up to you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 12:39 PM

Sixty! Ha! I spit on your sixty! Oops. Well, I guess when you get to be my age you're expected to drool a bit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 10:05 AM

Wow, Stilly, that's a heap of luck, a passel, a crop, a ream, and a big slice. Just TONS of good fortune heaped upon your lucky, lucky head.

Dang!! Here I thought turning sixty was just some kind of bad dream I had once. Now I find others are doing it too!! Most disconcerting, I have to say. I am beginning to suspect there might be some kind of reality behind it. Damn....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 09:48 AM

17777


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 09:48 AM

Hey, Mom, I have a lot to do this week coming up, what with preparations for the surprise birthday for the ex (60!) so I'll dip in quickly and grab all of those lucky number 7s.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 09:28 AM

That's what she gets for paying attention to Bearded Bruce. Be more subtle, Rap, put that garden hose down. Get her a clean towel and send her in for a shower.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 09:15 AM

Goodness, Mom! You're slumming again! Amos has warned you about that neighborhood, so you just come on back up. We'll have a nice glass of blackberry wine and...

YEEW!!! Mom, whatever have you been drinking? You smell like a sailor on a short shore leave drunk! Get back up there and I'll make some strong coffee.

Goodness!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 07 - 03:13 PM

Well, the brouhaha is over and we're all still alive. My linens are unsoiled, sort of, and as far as I know nobody except Crazy Gopher peed on his or her hanky. Crazy doesn't count because Crazy keeps Depends in business; it goes back to his youth when he was frightened by a politician who was kissing babies, which Crazy was at the time. He got the name Crazy Gopher from his work, which is gopher extermination. He drowns 'em, and the less said about his method the better. The name his parents gave him was (and this is true!) Roy Rogers And Trigger Lefkovitz; in grade school they called him "Crazy Geyser" because of the aforementioned incident with the politician. Nobody knows what they called him in high school because he was educated Elsewhere, but somebody once said that he'd heard from his best friend's cousin's second wife's mother that Crazy was given the name "Fresh Meat" when he was pushed through the door of the rec area.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 07 Jun 07 - 01:39 PM

It's the water in the pee that actually counteracts the chlorine; but why waste the water?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: beardedbruce
Date: 07 Jun 07 - 01:34 PM

Rapaire,

That is a WWI method, determined in the trenches. Must have worked, since the ones who cam back swore by it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 07 - 12:30 PM

Amos, just for you:

A E I O U and sometimes Y and sometimes W

A genuine vowel movement!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 07 Jun 07 - 10:23 AM

Wow! My First Vowel!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 11:56 PM

Wasn't that sweet? Amos, you lucky fellow, you!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 11:21 PM

Ode to Amos

A

fin


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 09:30 PM

Oh, fercrissakes.

Do you know what they've done? The Legion? They are passing around some leaflets they just made up, telling people how to protect themselves from chlorine gas during the drill tomorrow!

Ahem:

You can pertekt yourselv from being poisoned by Chloreen gas by 1. taking out your neckerchif or hanky 2. piss on it 3. tying this around your mouth and noze so that you breath the poisonus Chloreen thru it. Chloreen can burn out your eyes out too, so keep them shut tight all the time. Leave the area as fast as you kan and if you are driving away in a car take others out of the danger zone with you.

This could be, well, interesting comes to mind, among other things.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 03:06 PM

she turns in her hammock, still sleeping, still chucking about the baker's cousin and the silly rhymes he comes up with . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 01:48 PM

Well.

Word has come from City Hall that tomorrow there will be a disaster drill. In the scenario, a tank car of chlorine will have exploded in the railyard that goes through the center of town. It's designed to test the hazmat team, cops, communications, medical response team, and all that sort of stuff.

Young Little Big Jake (who's called that to tell him apart from his grandpa, Old Little Big Jake -- YLBJ's father is named Percival) just left here, hootin' and hollerin' and headin' for the Legion Hovel. Methinks that the Legion feels the need to participate in this disaster drill. Oh dear.

...With our ammunition gone and faced with utter defeat,
Who was it that burned the crops and left us nothing to eat?...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 10:52 AM

As a square with angled corners
As a cube within a box
Like a tesserect dimensioned
By Rubick's mind unlocked

Like a snowcone down in Hades
Or a cotton candy cone
Like a pinwheel number spinning
Like a panic maddened loon

Like a bomb serenely ticking
off the numbers 'til the "boom"
And the world is like a penguin
Stuffed and mounted in your room


Like the boxes that I find
In the bakery of my mind. . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 10:36 AM

What idle bakery runs in thy amazing mind, good Emms.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 10:25 AM

Puns race at her from all directions. . . and no wonder, since it has been very wet and hot in Texas, and puns *hate* the damp, they are a bunch of hot cross puns.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 10:11 AM

Stilly sits quietly on the porch with MOM, contemplating the myriad directions this next pun can go. Woodwinds? Percussion? Strings? Piano? Puns race at her from all directions. . . she contemplates slithering through the reeds to pizzicato Rapaire and Amos with a slew of percussive off-key puns . . . and gets so far afield it's worse than Garrison Keillor trying to get back to the point in his Lake Wobegone monologue. . . she falls asleep in the softly moving air, chuckling to herself . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 09:51 AM

Rapaire, show some discrimination, pray. Those were well-measured, classical puns, puns of note, not to be barred or slurred. Puns that can not be beat.   Go sotto thine voce.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 09:15 AM

Would you guys stop drumming up puns and fiddling around? I tell a story that absolutely true and you horn in! Geez! I swear, Oboe Wan Kenobi hisself could couldn't stand it here sometimes! It makes you want to jump off a clef or something! From now on I just might post in coda!

Sheesh. And I was gonna tell ya about the time my brother broke his trom bone sliding into second bass and had to play with it in a cast. He was lucky, 'cause for a while we thought we'd just have to shoot him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 11:37 PM

Cornet get any worse? Such brass of hand has yon Sage shown t'would be hard to trumpet.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 10:56 PM

Well, you know the question when the weather is iffy:

Tuba or not tuba.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 10:37 PM

"hate Elgar", not "had Elgar." Elgar's been had for a long time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 10:29 PM

So, Mom.

There we were at Danny's graduation. Naturally it was held in the football stadium since there were like 500 kids graduating. The weather was "iffy" but we were seated way up in the nosebleed seats, but under the overhang from the press box and we had an umbrella.

So the high school orchestra plays a few things -- stuff like Rodger and Hammerstein and even older music -- and the music wins, as usual. Then the graduates, resplendent in their gowns of white and blue (white for the of-course virginal girls and blue for boys) marched to their chairs to the strains of Elgar's "Poopin' Circumstance:" da dada da da daa, da dada da deee...over and over and over and over until every bit of pity I had went out to the musicians, who I knew had grown to had Elgar and everything he stood for, his family, his ancestors, his descendants, and everything and everyone associated with him.

Finally the grads were seated and the thing began. Speakers spoke, the Salutarian saluted and the Valedictorian maledicted and in general the grads were told that a chapter of their life had closed and new chapters were opening to them and that whatever they did in the future would reflect back on the Good Old High School Where They Spent The Happiest Days Of Their Lifes. That some were going into the military and some to college and some to McDonald's (not in QUITE those words, but get my drift).

Anyway, after it all was over the last grad walked onto the stage and received her diploma...assisted by two BIG boys, for she has cerebral palsy and this was only the second time in her life she'd walked in public and the applause was a standing ovation.

So the show was over and the field filled with family and friends taking pictures and the band was playing some 1970s rock stuff when the rain came.

We were under the stands, so we didn't get wet. But in Western Illinois the rain can REALLY come down, and this was not just a cloudburst or a frog-strangler, this was like God turned on a firehose. It didn't last long, but it was tragic. The tuba player and two oboists drowned when their instruments filled with water -- the tuba player couldn't drain the stuff via his spit valves fast enough. The funerals were yesterday and they will be buried under the Band Room at the High School later this week.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 09:31 PM

When I worked at Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument in Arizona I realized that many of the visitors were from Western Washington, my neck of the woods. And we have no venomous snakes there. So I took time and care to find good illustrations and made posters to put in the campgrounds with snake identification information.

The very day I finished it, I was standing in the back door sunshine, and stepped out to see a small western diamond back stretched out also enjoying the sunshine. My poster worked--I could identify it easily. But there, we had people with snake sticks and buckets who catch them and moved them, so this youngster had to find a new patch of gravel to enjoy.

This morning I saw some consciousness-raising mushrooms in a soggy flower bed beside my back door. I wonder, if we threw a couple of those in the box with John's missing bits, would that revive him in case there aren't enough air holes?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 09:00 PM

Hey, Mom!! Aren't you glad Rapaire is home, now?

This afternoon I got a little more painting in the eaves done. I came down off my ladder and found myself face to face, about three feet away, with a rattlesnake. Most unusual. I behaded it with a shovel and cleaned up the bloodstains and put it in the trash. It was young -- only 1 1/2 spheres on his rattle -- a Western Diamondback, I think. Anyway, I hope Buddha will forgive me, but I couldn't bring myself to capture it by the neck and throw it into a neighbor's yard. Wouldn't a'been neighborly, like...

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: John Hardly
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 09:00 PM

Seems I've left little bits of my consciousness laying about (something most of my consciousness likes to do most of the time) and misplaced.

If any of you run into bit of my consciousness, would you kindly sweep them into a box and send them back to me? I'm having trouble getting by without them.

Make sure to punch "breathe-holes" in the box. I don't want to get my consciousness back together, only to find it short of breath.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 08:40 PM

Moonglow and I went to see Little Miss Sunshine in a theater that was sparsely populated. When the first few philosophy jokes came up, we were the only two laughing. The others gradually caught on that it was a comedy. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 07:33 PM

I...have returned. I...will post more after I eat dinner. I...just woke up from a nappy=poo. I...was/am pooped. I...do not want to see the inside of an automotive vehicle again until tomorrow morning when I drive to work. And I...have to do some laundry.

(Mom: note the dramatic pauses. I put them in because I finally got the tee shirt! Yeah! The one for "Death of a Salesman" -- you know, the one that got my brother yet ANOTHER "Best Actor" award last year? And you remember, Mom, that scene on closing night when Biff says some thing like "Damn it!" and my bro, as Willy, replied, "That's enough! There'll be no cursing in this house, goddamit!" and nobody except the actors caught it and they had to stay in character?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 05:53 PM

So, has everyone gone somewhere again today? Mom looks a little lonely out there on the porch, swatting mosquitoes and drinking iced tea.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 12:50 PM

I never traded Annie! GWB tricked a lot of gullible people, with his old pal Karl running sneaky and false whisper campaigns, but I wasn't one of them. I kept my Texas map with Governor Richards until late last year until I'd finally gotten lost enough times on roads that weren't built back then that I had to ask for a new one with Dubya's hand-picked successor Perry. But this way I managed to skip over all of the Bush years.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 11:36 AM

Man, I tell ya...swampy ground, boiling temperatures, God's own humidity, and a hotbed of bizarre political figures...I kinda wonder about Texas. I mean I love Texas, big-minded and independent and sassy, and big. But when you guys traded Ann Richardson for GWB, it kinda gave me reservations, if you know what I mean. Now this... I dunno, Still, are you sure you haven't been sent on into Purgatory and never noticed? I understand that can happen sometimes...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 01:26 AM

Big mosquitoes out there in the yard today. Really big. Like the photo Peace linked to in the mosquito thread. They're big and lazy, they aren't subtle, they just plop down on your arm, regardless of whether you'll feel it (they're usually sneakier) because if you manage to swat this one you'll probably miss the next one.

My poor pooches. Probably getting eaten alive out there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 08:49 PM

Mom, what'chu doin' clear down here at the bottom? No one been by to visit today while I was at work?

Maybe John Hardly will come by and tell you all about his teeny tiny dogs and dog house pots. He could make a set for you to keep on the kitchen window sill.

(And in case you were wondering, yes, of course, it rained again today. . . )


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 09:48 AM

There is hope. We'll soon go from being miserably wet to miserably hot. This was in the paper this morning:

No, seriously, it'll stop raining

Our recent almost-daily rains bring to mind a song by Texas-born bluesman T-Bone Walker: Call it Stormy Monday, But Tuesday Is Just As Bad.

This Tuesday, however, we just might get a break, according to the National Weather Service.

The forecast calls for a 30 percent chance of rain early today and a 40 percent chance this afternoon. Then the now-tiresome stormy skies should lighten to partly cloudy for the foreseeable future.

High temperatures are expected to hit around 90 degrees Tuesday and through the weekend. Nights are expected to get slightly warmer, with a low of about 69 degrees tonight and Tuesday, followed by about 75 for the rest of the week.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 09:27 AM

I think it might have drizzled last night, but my guage in the morning is a glance out the window at the wooden fence out back. It could simply be the soggy wood is wicking up water standing on the ground. At this point the amount of rain is beyond ridiculous and it's making everyday tasks difficult. I offer as evidence the thread about the North Texas Scottish Festival. Those of us in this area had to mow before we could go. We all know that it if gets any taller and any wetter we'll never get through it. You take your opportunity to mow when you can.

On the other hand, my vitex in the front yard is having a marvelous spring. It is a good xeriscape plant, but has tolerated the extra moisture and is in full blue bloom. Every day I have people stop their cars and ask me what it is. One guy was so interested I told him I had dug up a couple of small ones out of flower beds that I was going to sell in a garage sale soon. He bought them on the spot--and a real bargain. The area nursery would probably charge him 5 times the price. I just wanted them to go to a good home. "Give them good drainage and don't plant them too deep!" was my only advice. I wonder if I should have pointed out that he should wait until the ground dries a little. Anything transplanted right now will probably rot in the ground. The low spots in the neighborhood are beginning to take on a kind of "eau de compost" aroma.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 08:39 AM

forgot a word. that should have read "year of our grandfather's birth" - 1890.


I never claimed to have functional brain cells.

It finally rained Sunday evening - light soak for about 1/2 hour, followed by quite heavy - and then soaking rain again overnight.

We needed it - one of the nearby towns has flood warnings AND a water restriction going at the same time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 08:28 AM

"a Silver Dollar minted in the year of our birth"


US Silver dollars were not minted between 1936 and 1963. And a '64(Denver only) is both illegal to own and very valuable! None from 1965 to 1970, either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 08:22 AM

The only time I was in Vegas was in the early 60's ; was nothing like it is now.

But all the gas stations crossing Nevada had one arm bandits. And my Dad got us each a Silver Dollar minted in the year of our birth. (Made the poor guy go through umpty rolls of silver dollars to find them)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 08:13 AM

There are large parts of the town that have no odor of the gambling hell about them, with very pleasant homes and a whole economy based on other things than gambling. But understandably the thing that sticks in memory is the gigantic monuments to human avarice and whacky tatse. We had breakfast in an outlying casino called Whiskey Pete's which for reasons known only to the designers is builot to look like a large castle, with masonry turrets and crenellations all over; but the theme is the hard-wock miner, who probably never saw a castle. The attached hotel is excellent in the high-volume all American 20th century sense, but the giant hall, like so may others is a bizarre snakepit of flasing and gonging and tired croupiers and dealers, mirrors and blinking lights and row after row of the electronic equivalent of the one-armed bandit. And everywhere, at every hour, the sorry, hypnotic souls drift from machine to machine, dreaming of jackpots. Most bizarre.

The big ones on the Strip itself are even worse. But, as I say, we weree visiting real folks away to the north end of town, and had a lovelyy time far outside the miasma of avarice and megabling.

A


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