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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Bee-dubya-ell 12 May 03 - 08:31 PM
Tweed 12 May 03 - 08:21 PM
CarolC 12 May 03 - 07:50 PM
Tweed 12 May 03 - 07:28 PM
CarolC 12 May 03 - 07:10 PM
Tweed 12 May 03 - 06:52 PM
Little Hawk 12 May 03 - 05:24 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 12 May 03 - 05:16 PM
Amos 12 May 03 - 05:10 PM
Tweed 12 May 03 - 05:07 PM
GUEST,Mrs. Bee 12 May 03 - 04:14 PM
Amos 12 May 03 - 03:31 PM
GUEST,She Who Waits... 12 May 03 - 02:17 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 May 03 - 12:51 PM
CarolC 12 May 03 - 12:07 PM
Amos 12 May 03 - 11:22 AM
Rapparee 12 May 03 - 09:13 AM
CarolC 12 May 03 - 07:10 AM
Ebbie 12 May 03 - 12:26 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 12 May 03 - 12:00 AM
Rustic Rebel 11 May 03 - 11:18 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 11:00 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 10:56 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 10:32 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 10:14 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 10:07 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 09:34 PM
GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds 11 May 03 - 09:18 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 08:57 PM
GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds 11 May 03 - 07:59 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 06:32 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 05:29 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 05:15 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 May 03 - 05:13 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 11 May 03 - 04:36 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 04:34 PM
CarolC 11 May 03 - 03:58 PM
GUEST,Harry Lee Wigley 11 May 03 - 03:41 PM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 03:33 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 02:51 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 11 May 03 - 02:33 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 11 May 03 - 02:24 PM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 02:01 PM
Amos 11 May 03 - 01:01 PM
Tweed 11 May 03 - 12:41 PM
khandu 11 May 03 - 12:03 PM
artbrooks 11 May 03 - 11:57 AM
khandu 11 May 03 - 11:54 AM
Amos 11 May 03 - 11:31 AM
khandu 11 May 03 - 11:06 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 May 03 - 08:31 PM

Whut this thread needs iz.....Bobert!!!!!

Accordin' to my calculations the Boberdz has not posted to this thread since 10:09 PM (MCT) on May 5th. Almost an entire week ago! Now, I understan' thet th' boy iz workin' reel hard tryin' t' git his piece of crap Spartanette trailer in good runnin' order so az t' impress the unwary citizenry of Mississipi with its, errr.... ummmmm.... whatever impresses a Mississippian. But, hey, this thread is MCHITM (Mudcat History in th' Makin'). Ya jus' can't ignore MCHITM on account of dumb things like work or fixin' up a trailer or eatin' or sleepin'. Git widdit, Bobert! Post sum BS! We know you ain't run out of it.

B&ATONKHGTM

(Bruce and All Them Other Names Kenny Has Give to Me)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 12 May 03 - 08:21 PM

Hmmm...My ExoFacto Queen, no amount ob lipgloss wuld ebver make Bob Dylan a good lookin' woman. He habv tried that and also eyeliner to no avail in the past.

LiddleHarg, what are yore deepest fantasies in regard to the beautimus Leftenant O'Hura?

Yerz,
Tweed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 12 May 03 - 07:50 PM

I don't know what could be wrong with him Tweed. It must be the really long, hard winter they had in Ontario this year. Cabin fever or failing eyesight or something. Maybe Ms Rutledge reminds him of Bob Dylan.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 12 May 03 - 07:28 PM

Dere CarolC, SailorQueen ob all Canada, Maryland and Georgia,

I hab found, az apparently pore Spaw haz that you can leed a Harg to water but you can't mek him drink. I hope it's not too late for him and thet the sequinned-benecked Mme.Butterledge habv not convoluted him so az he iz unfit fore habving normal relatives wif normal wimmenz, who hab not got extended adam's appells. Try to intercede on hiz behalv even though you are no longer a publick sort of Queen and habv renounced yore legalcy. From this point on I will consort wif you only in regardz to what sorta accordina to obtain an' respect yore abniction ob the Royale Whitehall throne az I now beleive iz yore utmost hope.

Yerz,
Sir Tweed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 12 May 03 - 07:10 PM

Sure, BWL (etc. etc. etc.). If you send me the screenplay, I'll pass it on to him. You never know...

Yo, LH, I think Tweed's suggesting that you should spend more time (and money) at the Atherly Arms.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 12 May 03 - 06:52 PM

Liddle Harg, yore enemation fore the mysterious debusoir, Mz.Pene iz mos disconsettling. Imagine, ef yore horndog brain can, whut the grate singer and acknolegd master lesbian Bill Shitner wuld do ef he wooed this gal and it turned out that it wabez in actualnes the insane and multi-cookied khing KhrispyKhreme ob Mizippi hizzelf! The khning iz a trickster and very ancient indeeb. Rustic Rebel posted a relickt's photo ob him beating hiz own ballsack like a baldrumm or some likewiz Irish percushion thing. Put aside these bass Canadian instincts and smell the bait can.

My advice iz to go and get az many one dollar bills (wif Washington on 'em ef possible) and head for the local topless joint, swill a few Molson's or Toby's or O'keefe's and tuck some bucks til you are sure ob what a gal's plumbing iz post to look like. I think you wil find thar iz much disparity between the poseur, "Mz.RootLegge" and that obv Brandy, Sandi,Candi, or Mandi's.

I habv warned you az enny fellow Mudcat would do az I am allus focussed on becoming a Good, Pure and Ethereal Mudcatter, in spite ob this Mother of All BS thread which has taken me over obv late.

Yerz,
Sir Tweed
F'K'D.UP.L.O.O.N.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 May 03 - 05:24 PM

Mrs. Bee - You have met Artbrooks in the flesh???!!!

My condolences, Madam. I'm surprised you are still even lucid after an experience like that.

Penelope! O beauteous one, how are you doing? Or to put it in Canadian terms... "How's it goin', eh?" It's always a thrill to read your posts, knowing that they are penned (in a manner of speaking) by what is undoutedly the fairest hand in all of fair England! If it were not for my ongoing pursuit of Winona Ryder, I would purchase air fare to the UK and seek you out, and risk all! (sigh)

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 12 May 03 - 05:16 PM

Tweed, you are a sorry excuse for a man. I thought I should be the first to tell you. This thread, however, has enough latitude to allow room for even you and your ilk (another word Khandu adores...), so I suppose there's little that can be done about it...

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 03 - 05:10 PM

Shucks, Mizz Bee:

Ya know, ya prolly think it looks purdy bad, but just think iffen it was worse!!! Why you could be married to that conniving confidence trickster Sir Harold of the PEruvian Harolds. Worse, you could have sacrificed your precious validity to that hot-air specialist Bell Bong Bigward, the transparent master of all things transparent, the Incarnation of Emptiness Personified. How would that be, then? You'd be suffering considerable more than just listening to a good ole boy like BWL chortle some from time to time, even in the leaf leavings.

Look on the bright side, Mz Bee -- ya got a man with a highly sensitive sensa yewma, ya know?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 12 May 03 - 05:07 PM

My Dere Aynt Bee,

I hab read yore epistol wif great chagrin and wuld like to extent my utmost symphonies to you. My sweet wiff habv also noticed my own eclectric behabiour obv late and haz taken to sitting in front of a fine fountain/buzzard trough thet me and the daughter got her from Big Lotts. She no longer worries about the habf eaten plates of food and other lidder accumulatle at the computee deks but only passes by and I heer a liddle "hheeeeee" sound to come from her, but it iz sort of from down inside summwhar and not at all natchl sounding thez days.

At least she semes farly happy watching the buzzards wash they butts in her new fountain and iz mos' serene now. Mebbe the Royal Pomade Lariat culd find a smimilar objay dart at a BigfLott's near yore place. Ef not I wuld by happy to check ar store heer and see ef thar may be one left wif most ob the peces in the box. Feal free to PM me ef thar iz anything I may do.

Fafefully Yers,
Tweed
F.K.O.T.R.O.T.A.A.T.G.A.P.A.E
(Former Knight of the Realm of Tupelo and All Things Good and Pure and Ethereal)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mrs. Bee
Date: 12 May 03 - 04:14 PM

Dear People of The Mudcat Cafe,

As you can see, I am not a member of your, purportedly, folk music forum. I am, in fact, the wife of one of your members - a fellow who calls himself "Bee-dubya-ell". I am posting here to ask you to please release my poor husband from the peculiar power that this particular thread, "The Mother of All BS Threads" seems to exert over him.

It all began about a week ago when I began to hear keystrokes and chuckles coming from the other room. Within a few nights the chuckles had been replaced by sounds similar to those emitted by a braying jackass. Then, just a couple of nights ago, I heard an uproar and went to investigate, only to find that my poor husband had flung open the front door and was rolling in the leaf litter while laughing uncontrollably. Well, at that point, I made him show me this particular thread and I must admit to having read the first hundred or so posts. However, I absolutely fail to see what the attraction is. Some wacko from Tupelo pretending to be a king. A fellow Hoosier who unmercifully slaughters the English language. A Canadian who worships William Shatner. A San Diegan that only William F. Buckley could understand. And what in the hell is a Spaw? The only participant who seems to have any sense is Artbrooks who, incidentally, is the only one whom I have actually met in the flesh.

Even after reading this exercise in extended drivel I was willing to just accept that my husband's apparent fixation on this thread is relatively harmless... until last night. My poor husband came to bed at about two o'clock in the morning with an idiot grin on his face and immediately fell asleep. Within minutes he began to have nightmares and cry out in his sleep, "Buzzards! Porta-potties! Ducks! Coots! Sea gulls! Armadillos! Walmart! Lariat! Idjit! Bullshit!". I tried to wake him, but to no avail. I shook him vigorously only to have him mutter, "Nor of things!" or something like that.

People, I am at the end of my rope. I am afraid that if this behavior on the part of my once normal husband does not cease I may be forced to take drastic action. I noticed from what I did read of this thread that some forum members have apparently found cures for their bizarre behaviors at someplace called the NYCFTTS, whatever that stands for. If you think my husband could benefit from a brief stay there, please send details.

Thank you for your indulgence.

Mrs. Bee


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 03 - 03:31 PM

Linda:

That's exactly the kind of thing Bill would go out of his way to arrange, especially if they were hoof-trim instead!! I assure you, your dreams CAN be realized; Khandu has an inside line on which he supports, facilitates, nay encourages this sort of obsessive obscenity. I commend you to his good graces and arguable competence.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,She Who Waits...
Date: 12 May 03 - 02:17 PM

So am I, Rapaire! This forum has no respect at all for William Shatner (with the exception of a few enlightened individuals like Khandu and Little Hawk). It's disgusting! I would roll in Bill's toenail clippings if I had the chance to.

- Linda D.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:51 PM

Well, Yore Majesty, them Hollywood perducer fellers jus' called 'n tole me thet due t' lack uv enuff funds t' bribe th' bord members, thay did not git thet parole they wuz 'spectin'. So, it 'pears thet th' moovee prodjeck is a dead en'.

But, jus' az Ah wuz gonna send Yore Elevatedness this message Ah looks up an' whut do Ah see but CarolC the Sailor Crapper Girl's post sayin' thet her son iz a moovee makin' feller! Whut a stroke uv dumb idjit luck! Mebbe th' moovee will git made after all!

We ankjustly awate knowin' whut happens when Missus Sailor tells her boy uv this golden oppertunity fer emmortality.


Yore frend an' Knower of Thangs


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:07 PM

Me too, Amos. He did that picture himself. And, proud mother that I am, I'm also going to brag a little about the fact that he has recently finished filming his first feature length film, which he intends to enter into the Sundance film festival as well as some other film festivals.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:22 AM

Carol:

Terrific picture. I like the way he flies!

Rapaire: I'm sorry -- I think you posted to the wrong thread. Bill Shatner's mother is covered on the "Biggest Mistakes You Ever Made" thread.

BWL: After the movie's done see me about some ocean front property over near the Rio Grande.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 May 03 - 09:13 AM

I completely disagree with all the foregoing! It is obvious that the 'Cat has been taken over by leftist neoconservatives who couldn't carry a tune without splitting it into upper and lower registers. You will all be devoured by Moloch, probably covered with catsup and mustard, as soon as Iraq settles the PELs issue with Hull9!

I thought that this was about Bill Shatner's mother. I'm disappointed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 12 May 03 - 07:10 AM

Well, my son, the Superhero, called me for Mother's Day, and he did not call me "Queen". Here's a picture of him flying over the Vatican:

My son the Superhero


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:26 AM

LOL


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 May 03 - 12:00 AM

Dear King khandu,

Jus' thought Ah'd pop in 'n give yer Royal Highness a update on th' moovee thet is bein' made uv ma life story.

Them Hollywood fellers hav assured me thet thay will begin workin' on th' movie as soon as thay are released on th' parole thay 'spect t' git at their hearin' on Monday. In th' meantime, thay need 'bout ten thousand dollars fer lawyers' fees thet thay 'spect t' inkur in hirin' all them stars t' play us in th' moovee 'n such. If you cud loan me th' munny, Ah'm purty shur thet Banderas playin' Yer Highness is a shur thing. If not, do you hav Artbrooks's fone number. Them perducer fellers is purty shur thay kin git John Travolta t' play hiz part fer about five grand.

Yer Knower of Things


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:18 PM

I had a vision.
It was of the Mother Queen floating on a waterless cloud. (No, not you Carol, but the other, Mother Queen) She was surrounded by fruit and frock-less men. She held high a sceptre in one hand and was scatching her butt with the other. I could tell she was pleased. Her smile emanated a superior embrace around the Kingdom of Kandu. She pushed aside her frock-less grape feeding, servile yeoman, and rose from her white porcelain throne and she spoke.
She said, "Son, call home."


My interpretation of my vision; King Kandu-if you don't call your mamma, you gonna get a butt whoopin'.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:00 PM

That's my Maw!!!

Uh... but she doesn't have a dawg...that was my step-daddy.

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:56 PM

Well I splained about yerself being the King of al l Mississippi and she kinda wondered why it hadn't made the newspapers, but she chalked that up to rural lag, news traveling slowly. Last I heard she had dropped the phone and was running for the door yelling "Dorie!! Dor-IEEWEE!! You'll NEVAH GUESS what mah boy has done!!!". Then I heard the screen door slam. Then there was a snuffling and slurping sound -- kinda like a dog makes when he pokes you in the ear, ya know?-- and what sounded like teeth on Bakelite, and the connection got cut off. But I reckon she was purdy happy. I'm glad she has a big dog, though...

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:32 PM

What'd she say? What'd she say?

k


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:14 PM

How appropriate, your Majesty. I am sure your Mother is very proud of you, being the King of all Mississippi and all. Or haven't you told her the good news yet?

Would you like me to? I can be diplomatic when the occasion warrants.
I think I would enjoy explaining your remarkable ascent in the world to her. I think I will go call her just now! 'Scuse me.....

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:07 PM

My, my! The MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS brings them crawling outta the woodwork!

And, you, dear Jessup, the honorary Minister of Golden-Tongued Double Talk, you are doing well in your position!

BTW, methinks there is a reference to "clouds without water" in the New Testament. And since clouds are made of water then clouds without water must be nothing at all!

I do welcome Sir Harold ( who did not recieve his knighthood from the King of Mississippi) to the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS! The more, the BSier!

I have noticed that this thread is slowing creeping up on our "cross-thread", "Happy Birthday, Spaw". HAW HAW HAW!!!

Have any of you considered cheese today? Or, did Mother's Day take your minds off it?

I have treated myself with a re-watching of "Little Big Man" to honor my mother, who has never seen the movie. She still has not seen it, because she lives 100 miles from me. Nonetheless, Happy Mother's Day, Maw!!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 09:34 PM

Sorry, Ralphie -- did I blow your cover with da mark? Shucks, 's only fair -- you remember the Contessa? That plane ticket to Marseilles I bought ya? Ya know even Bell-Bong Hobart knows that what goes around comes around, there, big boy. Never mind, you'll get another mark. I can see you've been practicing them big words, and it'd be a shame to waste all that eddification -- ya wanna try a deal I got cooking over in Cambridge? Some snooty Brit blueblood, betcha she's loaded.

Mum's da woid,

(Sir) Muzzy

(BTW, I don't think there's such a thing as a cloud widdout water Ralphie -- how many times do I gots ta tell yer, do yer homework. It'll save ya a lot of embarrasink moments.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds
Date: 11 May 03 - 09:18 PM

I learned eons ago to never respond to one whose name means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

Mr. Wigley has had detractors for centuries. They have passed; Mr. Wigley has remained.

One hundred years from now, the toad shall no longer be here. Mr. Wigley shall.

Rant, rave, ye heathen toads! You words are empty, like clouds without water. You are but an ephemera. A vapor. A gnat flying around the anus of a Giant.

Sir Harold


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 08:57 PM

Sir Harold:

If Elf-Round Wigglehard's character has been so long unimpeached, it is only because he has been so successful at occluding it from the public eye.There are many such on this plane, who would be impeached instanter if their true nature were but understood by the voting public.

It is likely that he returns to you each lifetime, time after time, only because of unfinished business -- probably a dastardly and perverted desire on his part having to do with electronic affirmations.

Until you face the truth, he will be clinging to you like an unwashed dingleberry through the millenia no matter how lofty the identity you acquire. All I can do, having given you due warning of what it is in which you are truly enmired, is to wish you luck with it. If y7ou wish to arrange for a personal, highly effective and highly expensive exorcism, contact me by personal messenger.

And by the way, where did you get the knighthood, Ralphie? You wasn't tagging it onto your moniker the last time I caught you pulling confidence scams in Monaco. Find it in a cereal box, didja?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds
Date: 11 May 03 - 07:59 PM

What is all this stuff? Why is it allowed? Are there no rules here? Are there no moderators to maintain control?

Whilst surfing the web this evening, I decided to seek out an old friend whom I knew a few lifetimes ago. So I went to Google and type in Harry Lee Wigley. Imagine my surprise that the only link regarding him led me here, where he is belittled by one called "AMOS", which, in our language means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

I met Mr. Wigley in each one of my lifetimes and, in each, I found him to be a man of unimpeached character. His words have carried me through the web-spinning toad worlds many times.

He is a man ofsuperlative wisdom and grace.

How can the management of this place allow such blasphemy to spew freely without censoring the "toads" who dare speak it?

Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 06:32 PM

Your majesty,

Your Mentor, El Roth Wigglebard, has said a certain number of true things with a wit and invcisiveness that is rarely seen outside of the dryers row at beauty parlors across the land.

While I cannot grant him as much merit as you do, I will grant him his meretriciousness, indeed. Such wisdom as I have not seen in all my post-grade-school days is laid before my eyes here on a Mudcat thread. How unlikely, unseemly, untimely, nay, dare I say indigestible??!!

You are truly fortunate to have found so precious a rapscallion with whom to entrust your future; It guarantees a long series of surprising returns, most of them to square One. I have never seen his like as a simalucrum of genuine verbosity. He is the very soul of width, if not depth, and you should count yourself lucky to have found him as a mentor so that he does not have to work at the Post Office in the Dead Letters department, as an aspiring author.

I can only conjecture that humanity is better off left to its own devices.

With kindest regards,

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 05:29 PM

My Poet-Lariat, the KNOWER OF THINGS, has beaten me to the 200th post, but it is well. Only he could take the stead of the King in such a circumstance.

I am pleased to see that my Mentor, HLW, has decided to grace us with his Wisdom. This is a rare treat! Catters, I do not think you realize the import of his posting. He has never posted anything on any web site before, and he chooses to make his First Post at the

MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!!

This is an event! A happening!

Tis a grand day for humanity!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 05:15 PM

It is proper that I should have the opportunity to post #200 on this thread!

Onward! Onward, I say! THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS has hit the 200 mark! Where shall it stop? Let it continue to infinity!

We are on a roll here, Catters! Let,s push on while we have the moment of momentum!

King khandu


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 May 03 - 05:13 PM

Dear Tweed,

I have not received a message from you by pigeon regarding your ongoing problem with migrating black vultures (Coragyps atratus). If you were, in fact, able to catch a pigeon (aka common rock dove, Columba livia) and attempt to send a missive in such a manner, it is entirely likely that your messnger was eaten by one of the red-tailed hawks (Buteo jamaicensis) that frequent the trees around my humble abode.

At any rate, having been made aware of your predicament via your prior posting to this thread, I shall take the liberty of advising you of an effective means of removing vultures from your plastic Walmart chairs (aka "Buzzard Porta-potties").

First, you must obtain some armadillos (Dasypus novemcinctus). They do have armadillos in West Palm Beach, don't they? If they don't, get in your car and drive north until you find some. If you must, just drive up here to northern Santa Rosa County and I'll give you all you'll ever need. PM me in advance and I'll have you a 144 cubic foot U-Haul trailer full of them by the time you get here.

Now, after obtaining the armadillos, take them to your patio where the buzzards are roosting and let them out of their cages. As any fool knows, armadillos are the absolute favorite food of Florida buzzards. However, the vast majority of Florida buzzards have never seen a live armadillo before. Their primitive buzzard brains will see the armadillos and go, "Food!". But, when they see the armadillos move those same primitive buzzard brains will go, "Holy Shit! Food don't s'posed ta move!". The very presence of moving food will scare off approximately ninety percent of the buzzards in question. The other ten percent will simply follow the armadillos around, waiting for them to assume the flattened and immobile condition with which the buzzards are more familiar. The 'dillos will walk out into traffic and be struck by cars in short time (after all, that is the armadillo's true raison d'etre) and the buzzards who will have been following them closely, will be dispatched by the very same vehicles.

A simple and effective plan, I'm sure you will agree.

Bruce (Takin' a break from the idjit schtick - but he'll be baaack...)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 May 03 - 04:36 PM

By jove, you now have me laughing heartily! Amos, you could have a wonderful career making speaking tours throughout the British Isles, entertaining the intelligentsia in drawing rooms everywhere! I suggest you get right on it. I would be happy to book you into an appearace in Twillingsgate posthaste (to use a term which Khandu clearly loves...). Malcolm Buggeroll would no doubt be green with envy, and the frustration might lead him to perform some rash act which would land him before the magistrate. I, for one, would like to see that. I could also arrange for you to meet Oakley, in whom I think you would find a kindred soul...and he plays the violin beautifully.

Now, as for attaining the exalted state of KHANDU...I understand the concept, but I'm not really ready for it at this time. I'm enjoying my sense of individuality, being Penelope Rutledge, a bit too much as yet to want to become EVERYTHING. Perhaps when I'm an old lady...

As Harry Lee Wigley says in his utterly BRILLIANT exposition above: "To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU"."

Marvelous! Harry Lee Wigley should also come to Twillingsgate forthwith, posthaste, and with utmost dispatch! He is clearly a seer of the first water. I am impressed.

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 04:34 PM

That Wigley character is a right tortoise and a puredee fraud in my estimation. For one thing it is obvious if he took anyone on his lap in 1911, it wasn't Khandu. Probably his own niece, Khandu's mother, who was traumatized by his electronic affirmations. Anyway, I am sure he is a highly evolved spiritual windbag, but not much more than that. Now I have heard Mister Khandu's music, and it is extremely earthbound stuff, and guaranteed to wring the heart of any humanoid adolescent. So someone is passing around the Codwallop.

Humphhh!!

Try to be nice to a gal and see what it gets ya!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 11 May 03 - 03:58 PM

Woahhhh...

khandu's been channeling Harry Lee Wigley. Far out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Harry Lee Wigley
Date: 11 May 03 - 03:41 PM

As an observer of the Human condition for over twelve decades, I feel compelled to speak on a matter which now lies before you.
The one called "Amos" has touched upon a great Truth, howbeit, it was merely a "touch". He, in his limited condition of humaness, is not able to go beyond the outskirts of this Truth without someone from within the Edenic Reality giving him guidance.

Such is true with all humanity.

I, being ascended, today present "snippets" of the Truths within this Reality, forasmuch as I elect to see if any shall take these Truths and enter deeper.

"KHANDU" and "khandu" are not the same. "KHANDU" is a state of being, while "khandu" is a being who is nearing that state. To be "KHANDU" is to be, no...not "one with the universe", but rather, the Universe itself.

My disciple, who I took upon my lap in 1911, has proven a true and faithful disciple. khandu has been my reflection upon this Earth for decades. As each day slips into Never-never, khandu has only more greatly reflected his Mentor, HLW.

Indeed, Ms Penelope Rutledge can become "KHANDU"! But the cost is great. Amos Jessup has shown her the first "smooth" path to becoming Khandu, but there will be many more paths for her. The more she pursues the paths, the harder they become. However, she will grow more able to take the next path with each passing path,

At this point, I must present a conundrum...To "Be" one must first see that he already "Is".

To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU".

I speak in riddles because I speak of Life.

Perhaps the following is a good place for Ms. Rutledge (or anyone else trying to reach "KHANDU") to begin.

Understand..."there is more to be considered and less to be assumed".

Do not attempt to contact me...for I shall contact you.

HLW


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 03:33 PM

Thar is no need whatsomever for the transendangered Mz.P to BECOME Lord Khnardwitz, Amos. I habv run electronic posting programs (a Beta download from Ashcroft's Personal GeoCities site) and habv determined without much dowtt she/he really iz Khargwarts, khing ob all Mizippi or a very closet relative ob Hiz!!

Do not be fuelish and taken in by her/hiz refined demanor and ridikomous talk ob pet grubbing. Wif the wighat an' red dress on she iz even more powermus and deceptioness than wif the Cherokee headress seen to adorn hiz Royal cranius most days.

Watch yore backside Sir Amos, no amount obv lassitudes or golden tonguing will avail you if you fall victual to this Harpy from Hell!!

Yerz,
Tweed
FKOTROMAATGAP and Harbinger obv Hope


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:51 PM

Esteemed Madame:

'Tis wisely said that every tragedy contains the seeds of a great opportunity, and thus it is in your own perilous case. I urge you not to grow unduly faint, nor yet succumb to the inevitable Vapours induced by the notion recently bruited about these parts that you are Khandu. No recourse to mere physical description is necessary, I assure your esteemed self, to put the lie to such meretricious calumnies. It is in the very breath of your language, the intimate style of yourperspective, and it cannot be gainsaid how different, indeed, you are in every way from his Royal self.

However, from this tragic assertion of similitude where none may be found, let us scrutinize the matter to detect the pearl ofopportunity, dear Madam. For it lies now within your power, as it may never have before, to acheive a transcendant and divine transforation. The subject having thus been breached, unwittingly, the door has been cast wide ajar for your own benefit -- for, deny it though you may, the wonderful truth is that you are facing the opportunity of all opportunities -- dare I say the Mother of all Opportunities? For you, dearest Madame, are now in the enviable position of becoming Khandu! Oh, the lips tremble in the very saying of it!!

All that is required, fairest Penelope, is that you apply yourself energetically to resisting ferociously all assertions of any similarity -- dispel, rebut, counter-argue, debate and refute them at every turn! I am assured by those most versed in the Intricacies of Metaphysical Mechanics that, without doubt, your application in this wise will surely being about a transformation, and you shall acheive, in the end, the glorious reward I have mentioned of joining his Highness in Unique and Indisitinguishable State of Being, which is Khandu.

I remain madame, your most obedient servant and devoted supporter, and transmit to you herewith my profound wishes for success in this sublime transmogrification,

A.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:33 PM

I must confess that you chaps have me giggling over my tea and cookies here. I have never seen a barrage of silliness to equal this thread, which is earning its title handsomely. What puzzles me is how you get other things done, such as shopping, bathing, eating meals, and so on.

My schedule is quite full, so I can only stop in momentarily, but I try to keep an eye on things. Today I addressed the Ladies' Auxiliary on the merits of grooming one's dog or cat frequently. I am very much involved in improving the lives of the pets in this community.

I would gather that Tweed has recovered from his last pretty obvious binge, and I hope that he is now considering my sage advice, and tossing away the bottle for good. I find it hysterically funny that he thinks (apparently) that I am Khandu. I've seen photos of Khandu. He's a skinny, but fairly presentable fellow with an artistic sort of look. He resembles me in no wise.

* PR


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:24 PM

Mah Deer King Khandu,

Well, it haz not bin a full twenty-four ours sense ma narrow excape frum th' clutches of thet Rumsfeld feller. Ah'm 'on tell you wut, tho. Mah life haz sertinly changed. Sumhow, th' story of ma sudden rise t' fame n' glory widdin th' Court of Mississippi - ma bein' named Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi n' Knower of Things - 'n ma eekwally sudden fall to idjithood went an' attrackted theze fokes frum th' local TeeVee stayshun. Thay had ma humbel self on th' TeeVee nooze las' nite 'n ma fone's bin rangin' off th' hook ever since.

Well, Ah jus' got a call frum sum feller out in Hollywood 'n thay wants t' make a moovee of mah life story! Yes, Yore Lordship, it's th' troof! Thay'z tryin' t' deside who thay want t' play me in th' movie. Ah don't thank it shud be Tom Hanks az he haz alreddy played wun idjit in a moovee n' did a reel good job. He also look'z purty awful wid a beard. Ah'm thinkin' eether Sean Connery or Nick Nolte (if'n thay kin git Nolte's hed outta th' bottle long enuff 'n Connery don't die first). We 'uz also talkin' 'bout who cud play Yore Majesty 'n thet Tweed feller 'n Rustic Rebel 'n Amos 'n Spaw 'n Boberdz 'n Carol-th'-Crapper-Girl 'n th' rest. Ah thank thay're wantin' Antonio Banderas fer Yore Highness 'n Kevin Spacey fer Tweed 'n Liv Tyler fer CarolC. Ah don' remember th' res'.

Ah'm shur thet Ah'll be headin, out t' California soon t' be speshul kunsultent on th' moovee. Ah' will try to stop in 'n say "Howdy" to Th' Minister of Golden-Tongued Double-Talk while Ah am there. If Ah kin bring Yore Royalness back sum erenges er anythin', pleeze let me know.

Yore Humbel Survent,

Bee-dubya-ell
Formerly Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi

Ah guess Ah kin still be yore Knower of Things az long az it's not too many things. Az th' former First Duck sugjested, one-and-a-half, mebbe, two things iz 'bout all mah pore brain kin handel. Ya want any more, find Yore Royal Self a Knower of Things who ain't a idjit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 02:01 PM

My Dere Anos.

I will take yore advice under deliberation and recuse my miserable self upon her sweet mercies.

She becomes exceeding morose however, and I habv reason to beehive thet it iz largey due to the buzzards' curious and unnerving behabvior. The malodormouse beasts khanbee seen lined up signalfiled from the grapefruit tree to her new fountain, squawking and jostling one another and generaly causing much chaos to ensue. For some unentrailable reason they look upon the Fountain ob Motherly Serenity, wif a casteing ob a lithe woman holding her little umprella, az thar own bidet and their non stop ablutions are most disturbing to witness from close quarters! I need not tell you what a bizarre site it iz to watch a buzzard laving it's arse from a Walmart lawnchair not five feet distant!

I will tharfore send out a call to my FloridaBrether, the disenfranchised BeeWL by pidgeon ef I can capture one alive, and ax hiz advize senz he seams well-versed in buzzard lore and oslo wabez, until recently, the Royal Pomade Lariat.

That failing, I will call in the highly traned and effervescent artbrooks who will be able to make short work obv this situation, so you see I hav given seromous thought to the problem and my dear wif's impending conflagration.

I thank you most seniley for yore good advice and council and reamane...

Yerz,
Tweed
Fond du Lac/ObGyn/Idiot Savant/
FKOTROTTGAPAATE


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 01:01 PM

Good Sir Tweed, Kind Sir Tweed, nay dare I say, articulate Sir Tweed, grant me this small boon, I prithee, good Knight.

Do thou go forth, all brave of countenance and dire of mien, and speak to thine own true wife, who has born all manner of outrage in her commitment to travel thee with along the many tortured passages of your fevered history. Do thou, good Sir, on one knee before her lower thyself, and speak to her words of comfort that she shall know your current derangement is not by a temporary trifle, and that surely she shall see her love once more. Forward to her, Sir, on my behalf and on thepart of all good Mudcats everywhere, our remonstrances of deepest affection and compassionate commiseration, and wish upon her lily brow only the kindest and best wishes for this day of All Muvvers.

An' you fail me Sir, it shall haunt you unto the grave, for thou hast an angel in attendance who shall not be slighted!!

I remain, Good Tweed, your Obdt Srvnt, Sir,

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:41 PM

My Lord Khnadnuts,
I prey to begin by returning felicitatious offerings for best of Mother's Day, you Muvver!! Also I would undress,in publik, yore resent PMS accusing me of being unintelligibble and coarse in speech.

The Grate State ob Florida,being second only in complete and udder ignornze to yore own mismanaged Khingdom iz no doubt respondable for my speech inflections and narcossis, but close proximatory contak wif the Motherlode of Low Budgied Schools habv run me obver the cliff and deepre into the darking.

Howsomevver that may be, yore reighn haz clarly invoked an awesome depth ob deprabation and true ignornze which succumbs ever wider by the hour and does multiply like the mink and the badger. I waz oncet a nearly senchant being but lately havb cast off all false hopes of enny intelligent conversment capabilitys. I regret thadid haz become necklacsary of late to adopt this manner ob...er...communicating to throw off the pedants and The Royal Buggerers ob Cattle which habituate these hectares, subsisting only on the flesh obv the half and quarter witted. I find thet it confusifies the overtlysentientiative and they hab no idea whar to begin correcting my texts and thus I yam left to roam free az I please and habv foulnd true bliss in this discomfture.

Posonby soom day all human peeple in Mudcat will vomit forth such gibberish and realise the follo ob serious leveled circumscizhions and that they are realy only a chromasome away from treu libation and trufth az well!

Aslo wif high regard to Mother's Day,my long sovvering wifer habz voiced some consternable invocations re: my outbursts of laughers fallod by heaving sobs and violent jerking movenents senz this MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD began, but we got her a nice fountain/buzzard baff for Mothers Day and it iz bubbling on the patio where she sits supine in Zenlike contemplation ob all things ethereal.

Yerz,
Sir Tweed
FKOTROMAATEBGAP
FORMER KNIGHT OB THE REALM OB TUPELO AND ALL THINGS ETHEREAL BOF GOOD AND PURE


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:03 PM

Oooooopps! It sounds as though artbrooks just passed a little gas...bnut that's okay. After all, he is also his own Personal Bidet!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:57 AM

pppfffpt!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:54 AM

My dear Jessup, I am awed! You are certainly surfing high on the latest wave of spewed vomit this thread has produced. Your peotry...impeccable (Except Mark Cohen did peck on it a bit...so I guess it aint reall"impeckable"!)

Your response to Mark...brilliant! After I finish this post, I am gonna follow the instructions and put this thing in the freezer!

Your restraint, understatement and subtlety in the last post is that of a Master Wordjessup!

I want you all to look at artbrooks last post. Did you notice that my personal asswipe uh, bidet, has affected Tweed's manner of speech. I believe that this is an attempt to "fill the void" which Tweed left in my Kingdom, and, therefore, he thinks that I will promote him to First Duck in Tweed's stead. Never happen!

However, I shall promote him to anonther position with greater responsibility...

Be it known that my Personal Royal Bidet, artbrooks, shall now be expanded in his office to...EVERYONE'S PERSONAL ASSWIPE BIDET!!

That should keep him busy!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:31 AM

Judging from the Spawn of BS in the environment I would say that although much unwed, she is prolifically reproductive in every walk of life. Either that or she is claiming an ancestral role which she does not deserve. So it seems BS is also round-heeled and easily persuaded...

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:06 AM

HAPPY MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS DAY!!!!!!
Has this mother gotten pregnant yet? There seems to have been several who have tried to f&&k her!

K


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