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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 18 Feb 12 - 06:46 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 12 - 04:01 PM
Little Hawk 18 Feb 12 - 12:12 PM
Rapparee 18 Feb 12 - 11:53 AM
Acme 18 Feb 12 - 10:44 AM
Little Hawk 18 Feb 12 - 10:25 AM
Amos 18 Feb 12 - 08:46 AM
Rapparee 17 Feb 12 - 10:27 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 12 - 07:49 PM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 12 - 05:20 PM
Amos 17 Feb 12 - 05:15 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 17 Feb 12 - 04:16 PM
Amos 17 Feb 12 - 03:47 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 12 - 02:49 PM
Rapparee 17 Feb 12 - 01:49 PM
Amos 17 Feb 12 - 01:45 PM
Acme 17 Feb 12 - 01:41 PM
Amos 17 Feb 12 - 11:35 AM
gnu 17 Feb 12 - 11:34 AM
Acme 17 Feb 12 - 11:26 AM
Amos 17 Feb 12 - 10:31 AM
Little Hawk 17 Feb 12 - 10:17 AM
Rapparee 17 Feb 12 - 10:14 AM
Amos 17 Feb 12 - 09:37 AM
Amos 16 Feb 12 - 11:25 PM
Rapparee 16 Feb 12 - 09:04 PM
gnu 16 Feb 12 - 03:21 PM
Amos 16 Feb 12 - 03:02 PM
gnu 16 Feb 12 - 02:04 PM
Rapparee 16 Feb 12 - 01:34 PM
Amos 16 Feb 12 - 12:13 PM
Rapparee 16 Feb 12 - 11:17 AM
Amos 16 Feb 12 - 10:03 AM
Acme 16 Feb 12 - 12:09 AM
Rapparee 15 Feb 12 - 08:45 PM
gnu 15 Feb 12 - 01:38 PM
Rapparee 15 Feb 12 - 01:30 PM
Rapparee 15 Feb 12 - 09:20 AM
Amos 15 Feb 12 - 08:44 AM
Eiseley 14 Feb 12 - 09:41 PM
Rapparee 14 Feb 12 - 09:31 PM
Rapparee 14 Feb 12 - 09:28 PM
Eiseley 14 Feb 12 - 07:33 PM
Rapparee 14 Feb 12 - 07:21 PM
gnu 14 Feb 12 - 02:29 PM
Acme 14 Feb 12 - 11:04 AM
Amos 14 Feb 12 - 09:16 AM
Rapparee 13 Feb 12 - 09:50 PM
gnu 13 Feb 12 - 07:08 PM
Rapparee 13 Feb 12 - 06:57 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 06:46 PM

AMos laughed in his snug Captain's cabin as the first harbor lights drifted past the porthole.

Man, the fantasies that Book Master could spin up. Even to thevery end, he didn't believe his garrulous fictions had finally caught up with him.

Ah, well. The chafing gear was in place, the mooring lines being run out, and in the wet, dark midnight air, the vessel was snugging down once again in her familiar berth.

It wouldn't be the same without the Book Manne, the skipper thought. Probably just as well, though.

He poured himself a tot of single-malt to celebrate, and dragged thoughtfully on his pipe. Some will have to tell our Mom, he thought. But it won't be me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 04:01 PM

Mutiny
Now he's not the Captain that he used to be
Because the crew believed
In mutiny....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 12:12 PM

Heh! The plot thickens. I've heard about Kakapupu. Nice place, but you want to keep to the windward side.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 11:53 AM

Below deck Dirty Hans quietly awakened the others. Knives, knotted rope ends, marlinspikes, whatever could be used as a weapon filled their hands and silent on their calloused bare feet they sneaked towards the Captain's cabin. They opened the door and out of the darkness a voice said, "What? Are we aground again?" but without a sound a cosh caused a sudden silence.

The First Mate helped wrap the body in canvas and roped it upright against a bulkhead.

Meanwhile, the ship had turned and was beating back towards the azure seas of the South Pacific.

Fortunately no drilling had been required, and the buckets began, drop by drop, to fill when the spiles were inserted.

"Good enough," whispered the First Mate. "We'll boil it down for syrup when we've got twenty gallons and there should be plenty more where that came from. Now let's make sail for Kakapupu."

Dirty Hans sniffed. "Drop the Book Master overboard, will he? Good that we were below to catch him and toss the Captain's Chest overboard instead! He won't be needin' it anymore!"

And to the drip,drip, drip of nascent maple syrup the crew turned to their duties, watch and watch.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 10:44 AM

factual narrative

MOM heard you just now - don't you remember the last time someone said that? She locked herself in the attic for a week. Keep your voice down!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 10:25 AM

Whoo-Hoo! Very atmospheric, Amos. I like it.

Tell you what. I'll post some song lyrics here in a bit, since you've been upbraiding me for lack of creativity from time to time.

Wait for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 08:46 AM

Wet, salt air in the dark. The small slaps of low waves , staccato on piers and timbers. There is a light wind, a small moon, and a scud of thin clouds over the thick warm night. The schooner moves in her sleep, strains mooring lines of old hemp, settles back, nodding slightly, to her fenders. Waves slap and the breeze dances among her lazy lines. The moist ocean-dew coats the rails, the hatchways, the belaying pins around the mainmast, glancing the moonglow into the night.


In real time, yesterday was long and intense. Finished a major patent application, then went to a writer's group meeting which was very lively. Then came home and did a two and a half hour counseling session and then fell into bed and slept until five int he morning.

Back on the schooner, the beefy hands snore below decks, heating the cabin air with their dreaming breaths. They are weary and sleeping deeply. They had been off the point all night, out beyond the five-mile line, where the fathoms multiply into the black water and whales sing in the fall. At six bells of the midnight watch they had heaved to, facing the slow swell on the port bow, the bowspirit nodding between sky and dark water, and they had manhandled a large and bulky object to the quarterdeck rail. The thing was heavy--even without the added lead it would have been two hundred pounds of mass, wrapped in grimy canvas. When the boatswain finished with it, it would have weighed three hundred as he sewed it up. The hands rolled and heaved it onto a wide oak plank and raised it carefully to the quarterdeck rail and balanced it their, have outboard over the lapping black water.

Capn Amos, wan in moonlight and broad in his dark sea peacoat,stepped to the side of the thing, laid a hand on it, and intoned a quiet prayer. "We commit your sins and errors to the deep."

Then he nodded a signal to Curly and Left Jack, and the long bulky form was tilted slowly on its plank until it slid, reluctantly, into the moon-glittering sea and was slowly swallowed by blackness and deep water.

Amos stared at the dark water and sighed. He would tell no-one what had become of the mortal remains of the Book Master. No-one needed to know, and the story was too ugly for most people's ears. Better the tale should remain untold.

He moved to the binnacle and whispered instructions to Right Jack at the helm. The schooner fell off, and picked up way, and turned toward harbor.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 10:27 PM

Word has come from the See Dee See
Word has come to my town
Word has come from the See Dee See
They tell me bold Amos ain't dead.

It's Maple Syrup Urine Disease, almost certainly stemming from some indiscreet liaison with a diseased Acer saccharum during his youth in the Northeast, likely in Vermont. He's been sent home where, during the early spring, he can be sap tapped for syrup.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 07:49 PM

Denial and transference -- the penpenultimate final stages. Tsk, tsk, poor Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 05:20 PM

Ah, Amos...if you only knew what a killer song I have written, based on the inspiration sparked by these "imaginary" posts of yours.

If you are nice to Chongo, I may even share the eventual flood of royalties with you. ;-D


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 05:15 PM

Imaginary monkey
Dreams of imaginary fights
FOr imaginary vengeance for
Imaginary slights.
Imaginary places
For imaginary woes,
Imaginary faces
An imaginary nose,

Tell me how long
Do I have to wait?
Oh, can I wake up now?
Or must I hesitate?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 04:16 PM

Y'know, I can arrange for a space in a Chicago gym where you two bozos can settle yer differences in the old style...boxing gloves or bare-knuckled. Teeth too, if that turns yer crank. There's also a secluded spot outside-a town where the North Side Gorillas and South Side Baboons like to take their personal differences and professional disputes and arguments about the peckin' order in their respective organizations. It's in the woods, but they have cleared a large area as a "free fire" zone, if it's ranged equipment you like usin'.

Lemme know, okay?

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 03:47 PM

J'accuse! The once coherent Manne of Booques, sad to say, has succumbed to the ravaging inroads of DBD (Drooling Bookmeister Disorder) and evidently has slipped across the nebulous no-man's land between reality and phantasmagorical hallucination.

In this condition he may not be able to differentiate between BS and factual narrative, which as you know, is a critical faculty if one is to generate anything approximating decent BS.

Out of sympathy I will not further chastise him for any drooling idiocies which emanate from his region until (let us hope) the condition clears up. If it is not his fault, but the way he was drawn, I do not feel trying to correct his far-flung errors will serve any good purpose.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 02:49 PM

Word has come that Amos failed both a test for MSUD and a Wassermann Test. Testing for Anoplophora glabripennis and Verticillium have begun; these conditions might well derive from his childhood.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 01:49 PM

His frontal lobes are riddled. Quelle domage!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 01:45 PM

YEs ma'am, the misbehavior of prions is the genus of Mad Cow, as far as we know, and also possibly the hidden source behind the less well-documented Drooling Bookmeister Disorder.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 01:41 PM

gnu if no one is around it doesn't matter if he's in front, behind, or inside.

Of course you were talking about proteins. Isn't this some of what was discussed with Mad Cow Disease? I'm asking off the top of my head, not looking anything up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 11:35 AM

PRions are not atomic particles, Stilly! :D They are insane proteins.

Taking Sir Rapp to the woodshed has now assumed a high prionity for me.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 11:34 AM

"To" the woodshed? Not behind the woodshed? Hmmm.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 11:26 AM

Amos, you'll have to drop the atomic particle talk and just take him back to the woodshed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 10:31 AM

I gotcher damn prions right here, big guy. Come and get 'em.

This sort of drooling tomfoolery with its ad hominem trimmings is really beneath you, you know. Mom raised you better. I have to ask you seriously, please. Please. Stop hurting America.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 10:17 AM

This sounds serious. He may be in an even worse condition than Chongo!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 10:14 AM

The CDC workers at the Class VII facility where Amos is receiving medical care report he is delusional, with manic periods of depression in which he believes that he is more-or-less healthy and that he can still play guitar. He has had to be actively restrained from harming himself and/or others.

A prion disease is suspected.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 09:37 AM

Actually I have developed a small cold since Rapparee started posting his hallucinations about my health. The ratio between the magnitude of the postulate by Rap and the actual effect in my nose is about 10,000:1 I think. Interesting. Perhaps he is trying too hard to make me sick.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 11:25 PM

Ha. I eat MCRD raw meat for breakfast three days a week. The other four days I eat librarians.

On demand only.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 09:04 PM

Amos is abscessing. He's been taken to the CDC's main shop in Atlanta via a mobile patient isolation unit courtesy of the US Air Farce. Word is, the entire crew will be quarantined for several weeks and the aircraft burnt.

They're not sure what he has, but all of the parakeets in his neighborhood are dead and the US Marine Corps recruiting depot is very concerned for the recruits.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 03:21 PM

Glad to not see a comma after "delusional", A. I like to know I don't make you uncomfortable when talking about getting the finger.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 03:02 PM

Geeze, you can count on gnuzer for vivid reality, and on Rapp for equally vivid unreality. They are like polar twins, dude!! Awesome!! One a bit too real, the other a bit too delusional for comfort.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 02:04 PM

Did you know that an enlarged prostate can unenlarge. I was delighted when the doc said, "Back to one exam a year." VERY delighted. Kinda took the sting out of it.

Does a hyper tie rod have somethin ta do with yer streering system? The opto and the nerdo said they highly doubted it I was hyper (the opto wouldn't have said anything until I told him about my eyes protruding from the sockets being a slight problems when I sleep) but that I should be checked out so my GP has ordered me stuck and bled.

Did you know that ya can't have certain blood tests for at least 4 days after ya have a finger shoved up yer ass? Although, it did kinda feel like his finger was in far enough to poke me in the thyroid.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 01:34 PM

I've received word that buboes are appearing in his armpits and groin and exuding a blackish pus. This could be something other than mumps.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 12:13 PM

I think both orchitis and miscarriage have already occurred here in Mom's house, so I do not have to worry about them. Rapparree has taken all those insults for me, and they say lightning never strikes twice in the same place. Thank you sir, thank you.

And while I appreciate the impish delinquency of your obsessive projection, I do encourage you to find more deserving targets onto whom to cast your gangrenous misapperceptions.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 11:17 AM

He has to keep the room dark too while his cheeks are all swollen or orchitis or miscarriage is possible. Quiet and dark and no excitement for Amos for the next couple of weeks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 10:03 AM

Rapp:

I have filed no report of illness; are you spinning in the dank mists of delusion again? Or prognosticating?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Feb 12 - 12:09 AM

Blepharoplasty. Careful, there are photos.

I could probably use something like that - I have the kind of eyelids that tuck under in such a way that the skin doesn't breathe. Get those white bumps called milia. They are really bothersome at times. But I think hot compresses four times a day sounds more comfortable than what Pat went through, so I'm not racing down to the dermatologist or whoever to do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 08:45 PM

Poor old Amos. He'll be okay in a couple of weeks or so maybe, I've heard. In the meantime no heavy lifting, no guitar, no wine, and only bland pureed foods.

Get well, mon vieux.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 01:38 PM

Hehehee.

I hope she heals well and fast.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 01:30 PM

Well, part of her recovery is to use ice packs and to begin exercising her eyelid muscles -- no more than 10 pounds each no more than 10 times each per day for the first two weeks, and then adding 5 pounds per week until she can can crush you with just a blink of her eyes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 09:20 AM

Pat needed it for better vision. Right now she looks like someone with heavily made-up swollen eye lids. Morticia, from the Addams Family, or any teen-age goth girl.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 08:44 AM

Blepharoplasty is surgical modification of the eyelid. Excess tissue such as skin and fat are removed or repositioned, and surrounding muscles and tendons may be reinforced. It can be both a functional and cosmetic surgery. IN my case it would be both. I would think I would need quadrilateral.   It would improve my looks AND my peripheral vision.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 09:41 PM

That word seems like how a person would have to pronounce something else if her lips were numb.

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 09:31 PM

What she had today was a double blepharoplasty. I'm not making that word up either!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 09:28 PM

Well, today she had eye surgery and Friday has tooth surgery. She's gonna look like someone worked her over real good by the end of the week.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 07:33 PM

My best to Pat. As George Washington was claimed to have said, "There's no pain like tooth pain." Also, "I 'wood' bite the dentist, if I could."

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 07:21 PM

Well, the old saying is "The closer the bone the more tender the meat." Should have been the tenderest meat you ever et, 'cause it cost you enough. Shucks, for that kinda money you coulda flown to Paris or Halifax or somewhere and had a GOOD meal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 02:29 PM

I cracked the two lower molars next to the back molars the same way... pork shoulder picnic chops had little pieces of bone in the meat. Don't buy em anymore.

Apparently, I am one of the lucky ones that have four roots in these and very lucky to have such large and deep roots. It was excruciating. Drill, inject, drill, inject... 8 times with some of them. $1800 a crack. But, Mexico is a fair drive from here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 11:04 AM

I have a half tooth/half porcelain half-crown on one molar in back. It was a cracked tooth that hadn't gotten to the point where a root canal was needed. Give Pat a big hug for us, Rap, when she's conscious so she knows it is from the rest of us. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Feb 12 - 09:16 AM

I think he did the process in good faith. Anyway, nmy dentist is one-quarter Mexican and when you mention Bush she just laughs and shakes her haead in sad wonderment.

My implant dentist in Mexico is her cousin, and he just laughs. They are very polite. But you know they wonder about the gringos.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Feb 12 - 09:50 PM

Better half than none. And this dentist is actually a pretty nice guy, for a dentist. No "America: Love It Or Get Your Ass Out" or "Gun Control Means Using Both Hands" bumper stickers or anything. Not ever a simple "Bush/Cheney." I don't know what's happening to the dental profession.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 13 Feb 12 - 07:08 PM

"half the cost of the root canal" That is unacceptable. They messed up... they pay. Of course, one does not wanna piss off a dentist.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Feb 12 - 06:57 PM

Apparently they're going to do the whole dental implant thing at once. Tooth out, implant and new thing in. At least that's the impression I get from the litterachure they gave her.

Turns out the tooth with the root canal was cracked and probably cracked last year when they did the rc. It didn't show up on the x-rays today OR a year ago, but it's found by a probe. Awkward place for a crack, apparently, not one you'd look for a crack. BUT the orthodontist refunded here half the cost of the root canal because it failed.

Money is always nice. Unexpected money is even better.


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