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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 17 Mar 11 - 01:36 PM
Little Hawk 17 Mar 11 - 01:16 PM
Amos 17 Mar 11 - 10:20 AM
Rapparee 17 Mar 11 - 07:12 AM
Rapparee 16 Mar 11 - 11:30 PM
Rapparee 16 Mar 11 - 11:18 PM
Amos 16 Mar 11 - 11:02 PM
Rapparee 16 Mar 11 - 10:14 PM
Eiseley 16 Mar 11 - 07:42 PM
gnu 16 Mar 11 - 07:01 PM
Amos 16 Mar 11 - 06:59 PM
Rapparee 16 Mar 11 - 06:21 PM
Acme 16 Mar 11 - 05:03 PM
Amos 16 Mar 11 - 04:28 PM
Amos 16 Mar 11 - 02:48 PM
GUEST,Albert Einstein 16 Mar 11 - 02:35 PM
GUEST,Albert Schweitzer 16 Mar 11 - 02:35 PM
Rapparee 16 Mar 11 - 02:12 PM
Amos 16 Mar 11 - 01:35 PM
Rapparee 16 Mar 11 - 10:35 AM
MMario 16 Mar 11 - 08:44 AM
Acme 15 Mar 11 - 11:36 PM
Rapparee 15 Mar 11 - 11:34 PM
Acme 15 Mar 11 - 11:21 PM
Little Hawk 15 Mar 11 - 10:49 PM
Donuel 15 Mar 11 - 10:45 PM
Little Hawk 15 Mar 11 - 10:42 PM
Amos 15 Mar 11 - 10:36 PM
Little Hawk 15 Mar 11 - 10:31 PM
Amos 15 Mar 11 - 10:13 PM
Little Hawk 15 Mar 11 - 09:30 PM
Rapparee 15 Mar 11 - 07:46 PM
Amos 15 Mar 11 - 07:30 PM
Eiseley 15 Mar 11 - 07:27 PM
Donuel 15 Mar 11 - 07:13 PM
Rapparee 15 Mar 11 - 04:15 PM
gnu 15 Mar 11 - 03:34 PM
Amos 15 Mar 11 - 02:13 PM
Acme 15 Mar 11 - 11:55 AM
Rapparee 15 Mar 11 - 10:46 AM
Rapparee 14 Mar 11 - 09:46 PM
Amos 14 Mar 11 - 08:45 PM
Little Hawk 14 Mar 11 - 06:25 PM
Amos 14 Mar 11 - 04:31 PM
Amos 14 Mar 11 - 04:26 PM
gnu 14 Mar 11 - 02:20 PM
Little Hawk 14 Mar 11 - 02:03 PM
Amos 14 Mar 11 - 01:33 PM
Rapparee 14 Mar 11 - 10:29 AM
Amos 14 Mar 11 - 01:26 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 01:36 PM

DO you talk to your mother with that mouth?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 01:16 PM

Latest from the Ridiculous Business Jargon thread:

"I'm glad to see that we have well-trained personnel here who can prioritize language, thereby maximize their communicative efficiency, and achieve a clarificative level of dynamically accurate interpersonal information transfer."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 10:20 AM

I wish I were
A Plastic Paddy
Only for nights
In West LA.
And I would get me
A flask of green beer
To drink the night
Of LA away.
Where the streets are wild
And the crowds unruly
A roaring tide
From square to square
I wish I were
A Plastic Paddy
Wearing green braces
In LA there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 07:12 AM

Happy Patrick's Day, Mom. Remember: if the beer is green, it's not fit to be seen.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 11:30 PM

Come you masters of words,
You who use the big ones,
You who enjoy poly-syllabication
You who make the bad puns.
You've never done nothin'
Except write and talk to enjoy
You play with folks minds
Like they're your little toy.

And I hope that your words fly
And your fame'll come soon
I will burn your thesaurus
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lauded
On the Best Seller Lists
And I'll read all your books
'Tho I'll be almighty pissed.

    -- Zimmer Robertman, Masters of Woids
       (Saginaw, Michigan: Bob's Place, 1964)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 11:18 PM

No, because innumeracy is rampant in our society. I blame the Trotskyites.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 11:02 PM

Here's a challenge for you who are masters of words. Could you have talked this Verizon floor manager into doing math correctly??? This is one of the funniest and most saddening conversations I have ever read. But then, it's a matter of opinion.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 10:14 PM

It is simply a matter of who is to be the master: you or the words.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 07:42 PM

Caterpillars have their way with anything they want.

Eiseley


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 07:01 PM

Caterpillars have their way with anything they want.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 06:59 PM

That;s like saying Rev. James Brennan has a way with young altar boys...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 06:21 PM

Yes, I have a way with words. Like the Caterpillar, I will have my way with them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 05:03 PM

Good list, Al.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 04:28 PM

So our esteemed librarian is coming out of retirement and starting a new business, and this is his Grand OW!punning....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 02:48 PM

I alone am left to groan....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Albert Einstein
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 02:35 PM

Al, you kill me, you're so punny.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Albert Schweitzer
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 02:35 PM

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
    * A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
    * Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
    * A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
    * Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
    * He used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
    * A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    * Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
    * Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
    * Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
    * Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    * A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
    * A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
    * Without geometry, life is pointless.
    * When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
    * Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
    * A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    * Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
    * When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
    * A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired..
    * What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
    * A backwards poet writes inverse.
    * In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
    * A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    * If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed..
    * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    * Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
    * When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
    * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    * A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    * You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    * He often broke into a song because he couldn't find the key.
    * Every calendar's days are numbered.
    * A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and it taint mine.
    * A boiled egg is hard to beat.
    * He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    * The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    * Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
    * Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
    * When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 02:12 PM

Amos, you need an o-pun mind, but that's just my opunion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 01:35 PM

I think Raparree needs a terrier rather than a tarrier, to sweeten his tea.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 10:35 AM

Yes, it is. Both scalarly and vectorly, but when the wind is southerly she, like Hamlet, knows a hawk from a handsaw. In her case, however, the wind is never southerly, but will sometimes tarry southern, as sweet as candy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 08:44 AM

If ƒ is a real-valued function on Rn, then the partial derivatives of ƒ measure its variation in the direction of the coordinate axes.

So who is the nurse and why is f messing around with her? Not Ratched, is it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 11:36 PM

Oh, and that hole of Rap's in the golf course; since it was of chemical nature (his liquid mix) and not water dissolving limestone, I think you need to call it a "sunk hole" rather than the Karst topographic term of "sink hole." As in, "last night Rapparee sunk a hole in the golf course behind his house."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 11:34 PM

If ƒ is a real-valued function on Rn, then the partial derivatives of ƒ measure its variation in the direction of the coordinate axes. For example, if ƒ is a function of x and y, then its partial derivatives measure the variation in ƒ in the x direction and the y direction. They do not, however, directly measure the variation of ƒ in any other direction, such as along the diagonal line y = x.

A whirling derivative would also be scalar, as it would have to satisfy velocity as well as direction. A three- or more dimensional model is likely needed, especially if the whirling derivative were to vector linearly as well as rotationally.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 11:21 PM

Before bending my brain around the succinct yet articulate definition of "whirling derivation," I thought I'd Google it. Just out of curiosity.

Whirling and stability of flywheel systems, part I: Derivation of combined and lumped parameter models

I came up with this from The Smithsonian/NASA Astrophysics Data System at this page.

Okay, so there's a little distance between them. But it is a great result!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:49 PM

Where did you get that info, Donuel?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:45 PM

The heroic Japanese 50 were not long lived
They are now all gone


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:42 PM

YES!!! You are the Master, Amos! No doubt about it.

I'll take that off the back burner and run with it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:36 PM

That certainly sounds like a game-changer, a real paradigm shifter, Little Hawk. Could you run up a PowerPoint wall-talk on that for a few high foreheads from mahogany row? They'd be thrilled to hear your vision and it would totally revolutionize their idea of what is or is not low-hanging fruit.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:31 PM

Shallow, derivative definitions are the specialty of The Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary, Amos, given the fact that it is a dictionary about ridiculous, derivative speech habits practiced in corporate boardrooms (often with accompanying flow charts present to supplement the jargon and increase the inane sense of false importance given to the proceedings). I think, Amos, that with your stunning mastery of bafflegab and bilgeroar you could go far in such organizations. They would look at me, on the other hand, and realize in an instant that I am not "corporate material", after which I would vanish right off their radar screens. I would as be "yesterday's pizza". But I think you could fool them! You have both the urbane look and the bloated vocabulary. What I suggest is that you penetrate the innermost and hitherto impregnable sanctums (sancta?) of the corporate order and overwhelm them with your vibrant and irresistible blathertwaddle and blithermore. They will be rendered helpless in the face of it, and will soon propel you to the top of the $ySStem. You then deliver them over to the true revolutionaries, such as myself, Donuel, and Chongo Chimp, and we will handle it from there. The corporate order will be swept away!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:13 PM

That's a shallow, derivative definition. The word deserves much better and should have been coined long since. Some liberal arts major snuck into corporation-ville, man....



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 09:30 PM

Whirling derivation, eh? Can we get a definition of that?

Here's the official definition of Jargonaut, straight from the pages of The Ridiculous Business Jaron Dictionary:

Jargonaut [n.]

A true master of ridiculous jargon, this individual has a 'robust' vocabulary, but none of it means anything.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 07:46 PM

No to both of you! Nyah, nyah, nyah!

I didn't make any noise at all. After all, there's a high school nearby and I most certainly wouldn't want to disturb the young scholars. No, I just mixed a few harmless liquids together and poured them on the ground. The bubbling and fizzing was very SCIENCE!!-y indeed.

By the way, the hole is about as deep as it is wide now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 07:30 PM

Rappare is such a rogue
Claiming science was the vogue
WHen his motive, now we've found,
Was just to make a banging sound!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 07:27 PM

So you lobbed a nitroglycerin-filled golf ball from your balcony, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 07:13 PM

Amos Too much of anything can always turn tragic


Never give up no matter how hopeless
No matter how painful no matter how long
A full year of burns in only an hour.
None of the 50 did cry out or cower

Onward strode the Magnificent 50
manning the pumps for family and city
through nuclear fire, and bosses who lie
Burned every hour til the last of them die.

They knew of the secrets, the money and danger
They did it for family but what made it stranger
Was the people who bombed them
gave them this gift.
Now they are buried
in a deep steaming rift.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 04:15 PM

Okay, I tried SCIENCE!! Now there is a large hole in the middle of the third fairway; it's about 15 feet deep and 40 feet across. Smoke is still rising from it and there are a lot of cops and firefighters there.

SCIENCE!! is really neat!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 03:34 PM

SRS... hahahahaaaa


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 02:13 PM

I concur wholeheartedly, Still!! At least a jargonaut strives for new horizons. A whirling derivation just goes around in circles while claiming to be enlightened...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 11:55 AM

Amos, all I can conclude is better to be a jargonaut than a whirling derivation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:46 AM

All right, now. Every one stand back.


I'm going to try


SCIENCE!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 09:46 PM

Ah'm still a-shootin' at both sides, come the revolution. All I want is a good, solid, middle-of-the-road dictatorship with me as head of the secret police.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 08:45 PM

For all posterity I hereby place this link,
To tell the fascists all just what I think.
They may be white or not, or far or near,
They be overseas or working here.
But small or large their hanky panky
Russian, Arab, Deutsch or Yankee
Is no joyride for this taxi dancer
And so I record here my final answer.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 06:25 PM

Ah- Ha! Ha! Ha! Kee-rist!

Wonderful replies, Amos! You may be the greatest Jargonaut of the 21st century, my good fellow. If not, well, you've gotta be close...

One passage you wrote (or wrought?) worries me, though. This one:

"my thoughts, vibrant and irresistible, will penetrate your fevered cranium regardless"

It sounds pretty suggestive to me, but with a couple of key words changed, that's all. Have you been watching those "funny" videos again, after hours?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 04:31 PM

And I should pass on to you sir, the most acrid rejoinders on the part of SIr William Phrase-Merritt, who thinks your efforts to trivialize his noble accomplishments as the Designated Poet to the House of Lancaster and the world-renowned "man who bested McGonagle" are slovenly, ill-mannered, ill-bred and low-caste at best. HE is writing letters to all of your upper-crust zBritish creations suggesting that they refuse any further association.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 04:26 PM

The first ilk of a jargonaut (assuming you know the words you use) must be I suppose an argonaut. Perhaps a wordy argonaut. Guilty!

You may presume to disrespect my language, sir, but my thoughts, vibrant and irresistible, will penetrate your fevered cranium regardless, and you will ponder the error of your ways.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 02:20 PM

"Jargonaut"

Cooool.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 02:03 PM

I feel your pain, Amos. ;-) Indeed, it is tragic when the frivolous and meaningless pursuit of a tiny number of individuals (2 or 3 of them perhaps?) is derailed by the frivolous and meaningless pursuit of another individual...but not to the result those former individuals had planned on! Tragic. Disturbing. Unsettling.

The chronically pretentious intellectual type usually reacts to such an unsettling event by churning out a great deal of verbose and floridly dramatic poetry to discharge his ruffled feelings, poetry so dramatic, in fact, that it would probably cause even William Shatner to blush. (or....maybe not?...not much can embarrass William Shatner)

But I digress. Let us return to the mad scribbler, the unsettled poet who delivers forth a flood of perfervid rhymes in which he bemoans the fact that a "monkey" has stolen his thunder. Note that he refuses to own up to his own authorship of those verses, but instead hides behind a fictional name, a fictional title, and a fictional publishing house! Well, that's about what we have come to expect of a man who cannot even distinguish a monkey from an ape. ;-D

You, sir, are a Jargonaut of the first ilk.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 01:33 PM

Life is often a confusion
Trials of force and loss and strife
And in such sorrows, some illusion
Can provide relief to life.
Just a bit of humorous magic
Lightens up a dreary scene
But too much, and it turns tragic;
You will soon see what I mean.

Five or ten of us together
Striving toward a distant line,
Carrying a ton of feathers
In a whirlwind of joint mind.
We were bowed, but all determined
We would have our Truth to say
Posting daily, for our teammates
Bound to reach that Forty Kay.

Near in sight our long sought candle!
As a team we struggled on!
Feeling sure we had a handle
On the prize we yearned to own.
Sure of step and with each other,
Bowed against the wind and time
Every man the next one's brother
Toward our goal we all did climb.

Then we felt the horrid shadow,
Then our blood did all run cold,
For we crossed a vein of fancy
Like the fairy tales of old.
There our wits were sore assaulted,
There our minds insulted flew
From some vile imagination
Crassest jeers and brickbats flew.

NOthing real was there to deal with
Just the vaporous world of fancy
Sour swearing, cut-rate cursing
Like some two-bit whorehouse nancy.
Like some slum kid in a frenzy
Torrents of not-much-to-say,
Mindless ranting, all imagined
Came between us and our Kay.

As we stood there, slimed and tired
Forty Kay was quickly snatched
By a scheming crackpot's dreaming
Of a frumious bandersnatch.
Conjured up a dirty monkey
Conjured up a low-life brat
Made them argue with each other
In a low-rent alley spat.

So, for all our composition
All our care and wit and style
All our insight, intuition
Friendly cheers and cheering smiles
All was wasted, turned to nothing
By this dingbat pixie dust
What was once a glorious triumph
He reduced to worthless dust.

But with grace, the prize was rendered
Let him have his dubious gain
With his worthless flea-bit monkey
And his boy with half a brain,
And his mindless has-been actor
And his hamster, and his Brits.
Who steals ouur Kay our hearts gains not, sir
Who steals our Kay inherits shit.



William Hearts Phrase-Merritt
Songs of Retribution and Exhaustion
Mileaux Traysch, Pub.
Flopping-on-Sand, Berks. 1893


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 10:29 AM

I've been compared to flowers many times. "Bloomin' idiot" is one such reference, as is "budding fool" and "skunk cabbage in the garden of life."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Mar 11 - 01:26 AM

Eiseley left off one stage, which occurs when an Adult butterfly flitters near a reflecting pond and evolves into a Narcissist.


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