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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

MMario 20 Jan 06 - 02:36 PM
Acme 20 Jan 06 - 02:20 PM
Rapparee 20 Jan 06 - 01:55 PM
Amos 19 Jan 06 - 06:43 PM
Rapparee 19 Jan 06 - 06:37 PM
Rapparee 19 Jan 06 - 12:07 PM
Bunnahabhain 19 Jan 06 - 11:27 AM
Amos 18 Jan 06 - 10:24 PM
Rapparee 18 Jan 06 - 10:05 PM
Amos 18 Jan 06 - 07:36 PM
Bunnahabhain 18 Jan 06 - 04:21 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jan 06 - 04:20 PM
Amos 18 Jan 06 - 04:08 PM
MMario 18 Jan 06 - 03:21 PM
Rapparee 18 Jan 06 - 03:05 PM
Amos 18 Jan 06 - 12:11 PM
Rapparee 18 Jan 06 - 08:50 AM
Bunnahabhain 18 Jan 06 - 05:33 AM
Amos 17 Jan 06 - 10:34 PM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 10:17 PM
GUEST,The Knowledge Guy 17 Jan 06 - 09:33 PM
Amos 17 Jan 06 - 08:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Jan 06 - 08:45 PM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 05:10 PM
Amos 17 Jan 06 - 01:42 PM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 01:37 PM
Amos 17 Jan 06 - 01:22 PM
MMario 17 Jan 06 - 12:14 PM
MMario 17 Jan 06 - 12:00 PM
Bunnahabhain 17 Jan 06 - 11:59 AM
Amos 17 Jan 06 - 11:51 AM
MMario 17 Jan 06 - 11:45 AM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 11:35 AM
Amos 17 Jan 06 - 10:15 AM
MMario 17 Jan 06 - 10:09 AM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 10:01 AM
MMario 17 Jan 06 - 08:57 AM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 08:43 AM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 08:42 AM
Rapparee 17 Jan 06 - 08:20 AM
Amos 17 Jan 06 - 01:05 AM
Acme 17 Jan 06 - 01:01 AM
Rustic Rebel 17 Jan 06 - 12:49 AM
Amos 16 Jan 06 - 11:42 PM
Rapparee 16 Jan 06 - 10:37 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Jan 06 - 09:46 PM
Rapparee 16 Jan 06 - 08:54 PM
Amos 16 Jan 06 - 04:07 PM
Rapparee 16 Jan 06 - 01:28 PM
Acme 16 Jan 06 - 12:52 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 20 Jan 06 - 02:36 PM

MOM! Rapaires playing suck-up again! That's not

FAIR!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Jan 06 - 02:20 PM

I had to walk through the desert for three days to finally get here. Whew! Mom just wouldn't let me catch her eye to get a lift!

Pardon the pun, but I see no one came to blows with BWL over his hammer nonsense. Everyone should know the way you reinflate those things is with a blow job.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jan 06 - 01:55 PM

Hi, mom. I see that Amos didn't awaken you and that the alarum clock failed again.

Here. I've made you some nice breakfast in bed. There's Crab Benedict, freshly squeezed orange juice, some hash browns, fresh wild strawberries with clotted cream, and some homemade wild blueberry muffins. If you'd like I've got some steel-cut pinhead oatmeal ready, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 06:43 PM

Nay, sir, you make your case moste playne; le Mongrelizer, c'est toi!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 06:37 PM

Hi, Mom. Where ya been? Did ya bring me a present, didja?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 12:07 PM

I am shocked and dismayed that Amos did not know of the existence of the Bruinose (also called "Brunnose", "Brunose", "Brownnez" and other variations to numerous to mention) manuscript. Written in the Scriptorum of the Abbey at Wiscetun (which was completely dismantled by Henry VIII, following which there was a High Exorcism of the site and the ground plowed and sown with salt) between "ye forenoon et noone" on "ye VVIIIth of Augustea 1217" by one "Frater Magnum Amoris" it predates the "Canterbury Tales" (and Chaucer himself) by a few years. Indeed, it is thought by some that Geoffy (as his friends called him) may have studied there and stolen the manuscript at some point -- this is reinforced by notations in the margins reading "Goode onee" and "Geoff Chaucer: Ye Ladie's Preffarance" (as well as some more surrilous and demeaning other poets of the Chaucer's period).

The manuscript is to be found in the closed cases of the Library of the Magdalene at Trinity College.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 11:27 AM

Mongol-sizer? Why do we need a mongol-sizer? Can't they size themselves? and why do they need sizing anyway? It's not as if little fur hats, spears, ponies or yurts have to excatly fitted.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 10:24 PM

I fear yon Rapaire hath encountered the Mongolizer.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 10:05 PM

Did you know that Genghis (or Jenghis) Khan's tomb is deliberately lost? Those who buried him were all slaughtered upon their return so that the location of the tomb would never be known. And that his epitath is said to read "If I were alive many would not be happy."

I've always wondered how they knew what his epitath said.

Or maybe I'm thinking of Attila, whose name is said not to be pronounced "AH-tilla", but "AT-tilla".

Anyway, it was either these guys or maybe Tamerlane.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 07:36 PM

Let he who Khandu, do! And he who no khandu, let him teach others how not to.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 04:21 PM

You khan't believe adverts like that. Gengis Khan, but he never had the benefit of your education...


I'll get my coat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 04:20 PM

That Mongolizer sounds almost too good to resist. And cheap at the price.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 04:08 PM

Odde, howe lyke the Myller's Tayle
Is that fine chapiter and verse
You claim for your Bruinose! Yet wee fayle
To better matteres, ande wee mek them wers,
Whene credit fail to give where credit's due;
The lines of Geoffery Chaucer, sunge bye you.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 03:21 PM

Now Available ! !
Only from ACME/IKIA HOME DIVISION



The MONGOLIZER!



Yes! Now you too can go from zero to Hun in only 15 minutes a day!

Be the first on you block to raise a horde!

In a few short weeks your friends will all be referring to you as "Attila" when you use the MONGOLIZER!

For Only three easy payments of $21.36.*




*plus shipping, handling, tax where applicable and a surcharge of 1500%


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 03:05 PM

I quote from the Bruinnose Manuscript (Belfagor Colletion, Mather Manuscript 193):

This clerk was cleped hende Amos.
Of deerne love he koude and of solas;
And therto he was sleigh and ful privee,
And lyk a mayden meke for to see.
A chambre hadde he in that hostelrye
Allone, withouten any compaignye,
Ful fetisly ydight with herbes swoote;
And he hymself as sweete as is the roote
Of lycorys, or any cetewale.
His Almageste, and bookes grete and smale,
His astrelabie, longynge for his art,
His augrym stones layen faire apart,
On shelves couched at his beddes heed;
His presse ycovered with a faldyng reed
And al above ther lay a gay sautrie,
On which he made a-nyghtes melodie
So swetely that all the chambre rong;
And Angelus ad virginem he song;
And after that he song the Kynges Noote.
Ful often blessed was his myrie throte.
And thus this sweete clerk his tyme spente
After his freendes fyndyng and his rente.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 12:11 PM

'Extra ones' referred to pounds, you gutter-minded mongrelizer!! LOL

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 08:50 AM

That's why he's known around his house as "Handy Amos."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 18 Jan 06 - 05:33 AM

Ask any sweet lass who has woken up with a few extra ones around her dear midriff and tried like all get-out to free herself of them!

How many hands do you have, Amos?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 10:34 PM

Pundus volente non consequiet habet, as Galen said in the fourth century. A flying pound has no conscience. Ask any sweet lass who has woken up with a few extra ones around her dear midriff and tried like all get-out to free herself of them!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 10:17 PM

See, that's what killed John Henry. He had a nine pounder, only he pounded too often with it -- lots more than the nine pounds it was rated for. The resulting pound-deficit eventually sucked into it whatever was nearby, because as we all know, "Natura vacuumae abhorit." Ol' John Henry was struck by a flying pound that was trying to fill the pound-deficit he caused and he "died with his hammer in his hand." I won't explain this last because you're too young.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Knowledge Guy
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 09:33 PM

No, Bee-dubya-ell, it works like this:

When a worker arrives for work in the morning he isn't issued just one nine-pound hammer. He's issued a whole dump-truck load of them. Then he pounds nine times with each one, passing the pounded-out hammer to his caddy who hands him a fresh one. This goes on until the entire truckload of hammers has been pounded out. By then it's time for lunch break so the caddy turns the hammers back in and gets a fresh load for the afternoon shift. When that load's pounded out the workday's over for the pounder and his caddy.

Then the guys who work the evening-shift in the toolshed take over. They load the pounded out hammers onto a conveyor belt which sends them into a pressurized chamber where fresh pounds are squeezed into them. It is a very exacting process since it is very important that no more than nine pounds be squeezed into a nine-pound hammer. Horrible explosions have been known to occur when workers have pounded with overloaded hammers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 08:53 PM

BWL -- the once-great US doesn't have that many trade secrets left, man. Don't be giving away the secret of putting on pounds!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 08:45 PM

Rapaire is right. What I thought is a hammer is, in fact, a pounder. It plainly says "16 ounces" right on the side of it. If it said "12 ounces" it would be a "three-quarter pounder".

Which brings to mind yet another question...

If the fellow in the Merle Travis song uses a nine-pound hammer, does that mean he can only pound nine times with it? What happens if what he wants to pound isn't sufficiently pounded after nine pounds? Does he have to take the nine-pound hammer back to the tool shed and fill out a requisition for a twelve-pound hammer to finish the job?

You'd think they would make hammers with more pounds in them. It must eat up a lot of the workers' time having to turn in hammers that are all pounded out. And what about the carcasses of those pounded out hammers? Do they have some way of putting pounds back in them so they can be used again, or do they just throw them away?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 05:10 PM

I was also thinking of the "act," considered "perverted" by some but which psychologists assure us is perfectly natural, called the "Smithfield Hamm." I shan't discuss it's relative, the "Sugar-Cured Hamm," but leave it to your imagination. If you want to know more, I refer you to Kraft-Wrapping's classical study, the "Psychopathia Hammialis."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 01:42 PM

Ah yes -- you are of course referring to the scandalous mid-1980's commercial that caused such an uproar in the usually quiescent New Age/Celtic/GReek neo-pantheism religiosity subculture...I believed it became known as the Hamm A Dry Ad scandal. The Hamadryad Scandal nearly woke up half the Ents in Middle Earth...

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 01:37 PM

Like the Hamma Sutra?

And while it is part of the Miller Brewing family, we used to be able to get Hamm's Beer. It may no longer be available, however, because of its insidious use in the seduction of underage wood sprites.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 01:22 PM

Seems to me some folks are too weak to hamm, anyway, by the time they are 150.

But they can still write instruction manuals.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 12:14 PM

I said *should*; but I admit though the spirit is willing the flesh is often weak.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 12:00 PM

Just for curiousity, which son of Hamm?

Mizraim
Cush
Put
Canaan
Hiva
Jebu
Arvad
Girgas
Amor
Arki
Sinai
Hita
Sidon
Periz
or Zemar?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 11:59 AM

So MMario says Hamming can only be carried out by various species of tree, whale, and tortoise. I say let the irresponsible young have their fun!

Plenty of Old Testament type charcters lived to beyond 230, but they were too busy finging with their neighbours ass to Hamm, and they'd get stoned if they started hamming. Not sure which kind of stoned in context though...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 11:51 AM

In my heart, I fing you ARE a hamm, and a son of Ham, of the Hammish house, descended from the King of Hamm. Hamming is what you do, it is in your blood, and so, too, shall your sons hamm unto the seventh generation, for such is the destiny of the house of Hamms.

Unless they get bought out by iHopp or something...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 11:45 AM

Deep in my spleen I feel noone should hamm until at least 230 years old.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 11:35 AM

He's too young! He can't be a day over 97, and that's too young to hamm. In your hearts, you both know that I'm right.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 10:15 AM

Not a conspiracy that could in any way be called very effective, I'm afraid.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 10:09 AM

ah, yes - the Adult Conspiracy - protecting the young.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 10:01 AM

Mario, Bee-Dubya is TOO YOUNG to know about hamm!! He should be married at least half a dozen times first! You know that! In the meantime, he must remain celebrate!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 08:57 AM

I fing, therefore I hamm?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 08:43 AM

Got the palindrome, too!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 08:42 AM

Y'all had your chance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 08:20 AM

I am the Finger.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 01:05 AM

MOAB!! Where the fing is the fing!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 01:01 AM

What was the question?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 17 Jan 06 - 12:49 AM

I sit with my fing to my head and think....I hamm what I hamm....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 06 - 11:42 PM

"Hammer" derives from an old Norse word meaning a stone implement. It is NOT related to the verb to ham, which means to act extravagantly, sentimentally, or in exaggerated fashion; usually hamming is reserved for those who fail in using a hammer correctly.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jan 06 - 10:37 PM

The technical name of that tool you have is a "pounder." It is called this because you pound with it: nails, pegs, chisels, screwdivers, thumbs, screws, whatever you want to pound.

To "hamm" is something very much else. I'd tell you what it is to hamm, but you're not old enough. Perhaps when you're older some nice woman will teach you. Otherwise you can talk to your parish priest, especially if you find your mind dwelling on it. He can forgive you and will recommend icy-cold showers and lots of basketball.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Jan 06 - 09:46 PM

I Fing the Body Electric

I'm Finging in the Rain

Little Fings That You Do (Make Me Glad I'm in Love With You)

The list just goes on and on...



By the way, does anyone know how to hamm? I got a new hammer for Christmas and all it will do is drive nails. It's called a "hammer", not a "nailer" or a "driver". There must be some way to make it hamm, I just can't figured it out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jan 06 - 08:54 PM

Is going to the dentist, only to learn that an oral surgeon, extractionS, two implants, and a new bridge (not to mention the bills) are in your future a finging experience? Or is it simply the Universe giving to you a Finger?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 06 - 04:07 PM

FING!! FING!!!


I never thought it would pan out this way, but Rapaire and BWL, in their wild and rapturous dancing, have done something truly wonderful -- invented a term for transcendant epiphanies which reveal the interconnectedness of all knowing and all living things, as only those who experience such moments can describe.

Now, though, thanks to these intrepid explorers of the Unknown and the Unsaid and the Unsymbolized, we have a word for such an experience. As Walt Whitman might have said, had he only had this gift, I fing the Universe!.

May you both fing often and richly, and with finging partners who are skilled and compassionate and impassioned, a fair reward for your most excellent gift to mankind in identifying the correct term and the correct definition for big-time transcendental moments of awareness hitherto unamed.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jan 06 - 01:28 PM

I get the distinct impression I've been missing out on something for many years.

You have been, but we didn't want you to know. Since you've figured it out for yourself that you've been missing something, I'll give you a quick (and incomplete) idea of what you've been missing.

Finging is a scato/socio/porno/econo/ecologoical activity that involved three live ducks, a warthog (the animal, not the airplane), two other people of the same but opposite sex, a cozy woolen blanket, two quarts of raspberries, a bottle of good booze (your choice), a couple of mushrooms, two dead chickens, and both of your hands. Some people also include an armadillo and either a cat or an alligator (a crocodile will do in a pinch) as well. Perverts will add catsup (or ketchup.

If you don't have two hands none or more will work just fine.

Finging is a wonderful, ecstatic experience that many have compared to The Rapture. You feel your body filling with music, indescribably wonderful music, and at the peak of the experience you KNOW. You KNOW everything, all of the whys and wherefores, the hows and whats and whos and who did what and EVERYTHING.

And that's why we haven't told you. Everyone else knows, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Jan 06 - 12:52 PM

Naw, this is an old philosophical question. There was a book out years ago called Do Trees Have Standing? If trees do, then chimps do, don'tcha think?


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