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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

GUEST,Eiseley 30 Mar 10 - 12:28 PM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 10:54 AM
Acme 30 Mar 10 - 10:22 AM
Acme 30 Mar 10 - 10:21 AM
Rapparee 30 Mar 10 - 09:45 AM
MMario 30 Mar 10 - 08:46 AM
Rapparee 30 Mar 10 - 08:42 AM
Little Hawk 30 Mar 10 - 01:36 AM
Janie 30 Mar 10 - 01:13 AM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 01:02 AM
Little Hawk 30 Mar 10 - 12:59 AM
Amos 30 Mar 10 - 12:41 AM
Janie 30 Mar 10 - 12:36 AM
Little Hawk 29 Mar 10 - 11:36 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 11:14 PM
Janie 29 Mar 10 - 11:07 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 11:03 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 10:21 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 08:21 PM
Acme 29 Mar 10 - 07:10 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 07:09 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 06:32 PM
Eiseley 29 Mar 10 - 05:32 PM
Acme 29 Mar 10 - 05:00 PM
Little Hawk 29 Mar 10 - 04:36 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 04:19 PM
Eiseley 29 Mar 10 - 04:06 PM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 02:21 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 10 - 11:11 AM
Eiseley 29 Mar 10 - 10:46 AM
Amos 29 Mar 10 - 01:23 AM
Acme 29 Mar 10 - 12:42 AM
Amos 28 Mar 10 - 11:43 PM
Amos 28 Mar 10 - 11:29 PM
Rapparee 28 Mar 10 - 09:53 PM
Eiseley 28 Mar 10 - 07:43 PM
Amos 28 Mar 10 - 04:20 PM
Acme 28 Mar 10 - 02:58 PM
Rapparee 28 Mar 10 - 02:45 PM
Amos 28 Mar 10 - 10:39 AM
Rapparee 28 Mar 10 - 10:30 AM
Acme 28 Mar 10 - 03:13 AM
Rapparee 27 Mar 10 - 10:07 PM
Amos 27 Mar 10 - 09:23 PM
Acme 27 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM
Bobert 27 Mar 10 - 08:41 PM
Rapparee 27 Mar 10 - 08:35 PM
Amos 27 Mar 10 - 07:24 PM
Acme 27 Mar 10 - 02:22 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Eiseley
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:28 PM

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

In what other book, besides a collection of Robert Frost's poems, does this poem play a prominent part?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:54 AM

It's hard to dig a dude whose bag is
Making fantasy of haggis.

Good grab, there, Still!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:22 AM

34900 might scare the vampires away. Or the haggis. Or the faint of heart for reading long long long long long threads.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:21 AM

Oh, god, but that's frightening. And these idiots in the U.S. are so busy scaring themselves with made-up vampire stories. I don't suppose they'd listen if anyone tried to cry out a warning.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 09:45 AM

A variant, Haggisis Albertaensis Morse has been confirmed in the hills around Lethbridge. The US Fish and Wildlife Service has issued a "use a flamethrower" order to anyone seeing one on this side of the border, but there is great, great fear that this invasive animal cannot be stopped.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 08:46 AM

Nothing strikes fear into the heart so much as the eerie call of the hunting haggis! It echoes through the night, bouncing off the hillsides; shattering peace; pounding dread into the very veins of those who hear it.

There is said to be a mute haggis that has become naturalized in the Canadian Maritime....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 08:42 AM

LH, you're confused. The haggis prowls the Scot countryside looking for those it can devour. Vicious almost beyond belief, its envenomed fangs fill its entire mouth, and it attacks by climbing up inside the legs of pants, nibbling as it spirals its way up.

This is the real reason the Scots wear kilts: so that a haggis attack can be seen and stopped before it gets too far along. Remember the old Scots' saying: There's nae a thing like a haggis in yer breeks.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:36 AM

A haggis what you get after a sweet young maiden foolishly hangs around with "the wrong sort" of men during her youthful years, develops numerous hideous vices, loses her looks, and finally turns into an embittered old harridan who spies on her neighbours and spreads malicious gossip. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:13 AM

Mom,

What is haggis?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:02 AM

Oh, you canuck mongrel!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:59 AM

Anyone who would listen to the Blues for more than 45 minutes at a stretch has a tin ear. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:41 AM

Anyone who would haggis on Tweed has no respect for the blues.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:36 AM

that would feet Rapaire - not tails - leastways, not east of the Mississippi and south of the Mason-Dixon line.

And certainly not during Holy Week, regardless of one's geographic location.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:36 PM

Haggis on Tweed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:14 PM

Have a good time with that, Janie. Have some pickled pigs' tails too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:07 PM

Pickled Eggs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:03 PM

Ah, it was not you who had the dirty mind then, merely a bad case of literary kleptomania?


I had a friend, upon a time, and a mighty friend was he.
His tongue went loop-de-loop-de-loop, and his blade went "Snicker! Snee!".
His fingers typed words of delight
Dancing like light gone mad,
But he disappeared quite late, one night,
And the story turned out bad.

It seems his door was knocked upon,
When most folks were in bed,
By two large gents in wrinkled suits
And large, and wrinkled, heads.
They said he had been singled out,
That someone Big was pissed,
Berated him as a useless lout,
And a goddamned plagiarist.

They listed tomes and poems and works
He'd borrowed for a while,
And touted up and frilled out
In inimitable style.
The said he'd never paid a dime
To those whose works he'd borrow,
And all of this was coming back,
To visit him with sorrow.

They told him he was going away,
Into the darkling deeps
Where bad men worry through the day,
And fret too much to sleep.
Where hard men break, and life is hard,
And you scramble for what you get,
And there's no such thing as e-mail,
OR a high-speed Internet.

My friend, he blanched, he paled, he flinched,
He knew that he'd done wrong,
He knew that even then his screen
Held a half-baked stolen song.
He realized then -- too late, too late --
He should have listened, way back when,
To his dear Mom; too late, too late,
He was heard from ne'er again.

And so I come to this Cafe,
To write, and to forget,
But something still recalls to me
This friend I think on yet.
I never learned if he had ever
re-crossed that chilling schism
That split him from the world he loved,
On account of plagiarism.

So good folks all, pray heed this call,
Think of this man, cast doon,
And make your good works all your own,
From your own hand, alone.
Steal not the works of other men,
Or lines of other poets;
For if you do, they'll come for you,
And everyone will know it.

Seamus Sanmerci O'Toole
Lilting the Right -- Poems from the Lexington Express
Dublin Upp Press, New York, 1937
All rights reserved except for Bearded Bruce


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM

The reference, good villein, is to Frederick C. Crews, The Pooh Perplex: A Freshman Casebook (New York: E. P. Dutton, 1963). I refer specifically to "Poisoned Paraise: the Underside of Pooh" by Myron Masterson (p. 41ff).

I also refer you to Karl Anschauung's "A. A. Milne's Honey-Balloon-Pit-Gun-Tail-Bathtubcomplex" in the same work (p.125ff).

Are you now satisfied? One would think that any man or woman of letters would have caught the reference as quickly as one to, say, Hamlet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:21 PM

Well, see, if youmerely relaying the view of an author, you should in all conscience name the book and author you are reciting. Otherwise you are merely plagiarizing. You remember that ballad, surely? Do I need to repost it?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 08:21 PM

Not I, good sirrah, but a book entitled "The Pooh Perplex".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 07:10 PM

I have so many great photos of my kids naked, in the bath, and running around in the back yard through the sprinkler and through the wading pool that had a colorful PVC shower that stood next to it. I grieve at the mistaken American mindset that perceives photos of naked children at play to be pornographic.

The only naked babes in sight these days are 25 and pumped full of silicone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 07:09 PM

You must have a very dirty mind, indeed, Sir Booque.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 06:32 PM

I find A.A. Milne borders on the pornographic:

God bless Mommy -- I know that's right.
Wasn't it fun in the bath tonight?

I really don't know how that get published, especially in a children's book!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 05:32 PM

One of my favorite rhymes is from an A. A. Milne poem:

What does she have in that little brown fist of hers?
Somebody's thumb, and it feels like Christopher's.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 05:00 PM

Well done! "Behest" and "BS."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 04:36 PM

Ain't it the truth! As Bob Seger said, "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then..."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 04:19 PM

AH, sweetly rejoined, and wisely Eiseley!

I fear the day of defection comes to every parent, when the young vessel of truth bursts into full-armed Subtle Layer and Nuance Detection, and is never the same innocent mind again. A lost treasure, forsooth, but a loss every parent must face manfully (or womanfully, as the case may be, or both). No matter the skill and humor with which they juggle the complexities of multi-faceted self contradictory existence, it is never the same as that clear-eyed innocent gaze before the scales fall from their eyes and the rose-hued glasses fall and shatter in the crunch heard 'round the universe.




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 04:06 PM

How doth the bright Sir Amos man
Instruct us on BS,
And give us lines that rhyme and scan
To send a wise behest!

That we protect our innocents
From perils swift and sure—
The lure may smell like frankincense
But'll rot them to the core!

I'll make my teenage Benjamin
Improve himself instead
Of leaning near to MOM again.
I'll send him right to bed.

For he's too young for Intercourse
(Even Intercourse, PA),
And surely from addictions worse
Like MOABing all day.

So, thank you, Amos! I'll protect
My sons from MOAB's jaws
Until the day that they defect
And join the BS cause!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 02:21 PM

Speak firmly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes.
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.
Deflect his angst and questions deep,
With shallow, deft aplomb.
And never, never, ever tell
Your boy about Our Mom.
For if he hears one little part,
He'll soon ask for another
And soon he'll spend his every hour
Discovering Our Mother!
His grades will fail, his health will pale,
His glow will fade away
He'll stay up secretly all night,
To reach the next of Kay!
Oh, save your son! Do not allow
This madness to infect him!
For if you once do bend his mind,
You never will correct him!
For Mom is deep and strong and wide
And her currents none can master
And once you drift to the BS side,
The stream runs ever faster!
There is no cure or dam or gate
Can slow that furious torrent!
And you will stand to weep and wait
As he rides that stream abhorrent.
And this will lead to graver sins!
Sins too dark to confess!
Oh spare your child, and teach him not
The path to pure BS!!

Black Bart Walleye Shimmerson
PO-8


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:11 AM

It is usually best not to mention Mom to the young, lest they be led astray or something.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:46 AM

My oldest son came home from parts East and brought us all presents. Mine was a t-shirt. I'm sure when Ben bought it he intended it as a message from him to me, but when I wear it, it means something different. The shirt says: "I LOVE MOM." How kind! I've never even mentioned MOAB to him! Well, I'll wear it with pride. I might even let Ben borrow my enormous pencil!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 01:23 AM

Sometimes an enormous pencil is just an enormous pencil, Rapaire....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 12:42 AM

I have lots of extra pencils around here if Eiseley isn't sharing hers. This weekend I found a tin that a liqueur bottle came a long time ago at christmas, and it is now filled with pens and pencils - the booze is long gone. The erasers might be a little dry, but you can get yourselves each one of those gray gummy ones that teachers take away because you're playing with them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 11:43 PM

I never dreamed of purple birds,
Or ever hoped to see one;
But to see Rapaire at a loss for words
Makes me almost set to be one!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 11:29 PM

THirty four and eight-six-eight
Panting posters cannot wait!
Coming up along the line
Eight six eight and eight six nine
Keep the golden thread alive!
Soon 'twill be eight seven five!!
Then Eight-eight and the eight-line
Trundling Mom's golf\den line!
Non-BSers never pray
We might reach that next of Kay
But Mom's children, living right
Pray for such most every night!

Dollie Penworthy Bewbe, Zealot
Lead Cheerleader
Friends of MOM


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 09:53 PM

There's not much in the way of a reply to that sort of statement.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 07:43 PM

"Mwaa-ha-ha-ha," she cackles with a mad fire in her eyes, "the enormous pencil is mine, all mine!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 04:20 PM

Well, then, I won't get you a hand-painted Jane Russell velour blanket from Mexico, then. But maybe one for Rapaire.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 02:58 PM

I liked her in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, but I've never cared for her politics. She's always been upfront about them, though, so you have to give her credit for being an early-adopter of what Reagan brought into the forefront years later.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 02:45 PM

No, there's never been any doubt about it at all.

I think I shall have a glass of iced tea. Yes, definitely I shall have a glass of iced tea.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 10:39 AM

Aw, Still, now you got Bookmanne all hot and bothered with that 89-year-old pinup girl!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 10:30 AM

Yes. Yes, indeed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 03:13 AM

Amos, that motif is actually kind of a big deal in Mexican-American lit, and I was looking for my calendar after a professor started talking about a story that she clearly couldn't visualize but that I knew, after a couple of years of living at the border, was repeated everywhere. So if a calendar or something like a print (with vivid color and super muscular warriors and Jane Russell-like maidens) or small sculpture (like 12 inches or smaller) then I could go for a modest fee and postage to have it sent here. Say in the $15 to $20 range? (And BTW, Jane is still looking pretty darned good for an 89-year-old).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 10:07 PM

Dude survived this past winter. Yeah, he can take it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 09:23 PM

Stilly:

Dunno about wall calendars--how about a hand-painted velvet wall-hanging? If the motif means a lot to you I can certainly get you something that shows it.

Bobes, it is such a pleasure to see you in these sacred halls, I will bite my keyboard to let you have the honor, if you can take it.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 08:52 PM

I used to have a big wall calendar with the warrior carrying the well-endowed maiden at the volcano. I think was lost during a move. Do you suppose you could find such a garish item for me on one of your trips through the big T?

Bo-bear, we'll be interested to watch your progress.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bobert
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 08:41 PM

I'm gettin' excited with, you know... Another biggie (35,000 posts) heading this way and have come up with a new and improved plan to capture the big 35'er... But I'm gonna need some help here... Amos... I need to you get lost in the Brazilian rain forest for a couple weeks... Can ya' do that??? Great... Now the playing field is level 'cause Amos has a program in his pudder that he bought to out-snipe eaby buyers that he has modified to get all the juicy numbered posts... I know this to be a fact because I gotta a buddy who has friends in California who know the guy at the computer store where Amos bought this device... That is a true story...

B~


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 08:35 PM

And Amos will lose his famous toothless grin.... Sigh.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 07:24 PM

Mom knows brainless when she sees it, all right. She's been hit with every possible flavor.

I am back from another long hike across the hills of Tijuana, through the bustling mercados, the whiffy streets, the long avenues lined with gaily painted ukeleles, leather belts, dolls, plaster disks shaped like the face of the sun, silver-coated bangles, ceramic Disney characters, and carvings of Aztec warriors carrying Aztec maidens out of a volcano, and the like. This is the next-to-last trip for this particular jaw-bone amendment. Three weeks from now, LO!! A new grinder. It's been a long haul, because the good Dr Estrella, whom I highly recommend, is being very careful to make sure each step is thoroughly right before proceeding, but the miles of hiking from the border parking lot has been good for my upper leg strength...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 02:22 PM

The conundrum of Sarah Palin. If she was as smart as she is cute, then she'd be something. But too many people mistake glib for smart. MOM knows the difference.


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