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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 02:55 PM
MMario 18 Sep 08 - 02:53 PM
Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 02:48 PM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 10:23 AM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM
Rapparee 18 Sep 08 - 09:06 AM
MMario 18 Sep 08 - 08:51 AM
Amos 18 Sep 08 - 12:17 AM
Amos 17 Sep 08 - 11:02 PM
Acme 17 Sep 08 - 08:55 PM
Amos 17 Sep 08 - 05:18 PM
Little Hawk 17 Sep 08 - 04:46 PM
Amos 17 Sep 08 - 04:11 PM
Little Hawk 17 Sep 08 - 01:11 PM
Rapparee 17 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM
MMario 17 Sep 08 - 06:04 AM
Acme 16 Sep 08 - 10:27 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 10:20 PM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 08:27 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 07:35 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 07:22 PM
Little Hawk 16 Sep 08 - 06:15 PM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 06:08 PM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 12:57 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 12:55 PM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 11:25 AM
Acme 16 Sep 08 - 10:38 AM
Amos 16 Sep 08 - 09:39 AM
Rapparee 16 Sep 08 - 09:11 AM
Acme 16 Sep 08 - 12:15 AM
Amos 15 Sep 08 - 10:51 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 05:52 PM
Donuel 15 Sep 08 - 04:03 PM
Amos 15 Sep 08 - 04:01 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 03:29 PM
Amos 15 Sep 08 - 12:34 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 10:57 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 10:57 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 10:57 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 10:56 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 10:56 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 10:48 AM
Acme 15 Sep 08 - 10:06 AM
Amos 15 Sep 08 - 09:58 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 08 - 12:20 AM
Acme 14 Sep 08 - 11:16 PM
Rapparee 14 Sep 08 - 10:19 PM
Amos 14 Sep 08 - 10:06 PM
Donuel 14 Sep 08 - 04:49 PM
Little Hawk 14 Sep 08 - 03:05 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 02:55 PM

Although...my telephone DOES sound funny....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 02:53 PM

No problems except that pesky air leak, you mean? Don't let it go on too long or you'll start to wrinkle up like an old prune, and certain parts will just deflate and go limp.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 02:48 PM

Well, fortunately I got passt the TH problemss. No one sseems to be watching me (but Amoss might find a "sstranger sstanding by") and sso far I don't sseem to have any new problemss.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 10:23 AM

"..Oh, by the way, you should know who I really am. I'm Thor."

"YOU'RE Thor??? I can hardly WALK!!"



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM

AH, that accounts for the sudden increase in royalties.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 09:06 AM

That happened to me once. I had a stuck TH. It was pretty horrible. I'd type stuff like "THings wiTH THat THickness require THoughtful widTH and depTH measurement." People thought it was some sort of code; the FBI arrested me, NSA questioned me. You see, they had analyzed what I'd written and determined that I appeared to be passing on highly secret information, only they couldn't figure out what it was. They surfboarded me, forced me to eat McDonald's hamburgers PLAIN, made me sleep in a tiny cell with a nightlight on all the time, beat me at checkers, and did everything you can think of to gain the information they wanted. Finally I cracked; I simply couldn't take another minute of Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen." I told them that my TH was stuck and there was no information at all in what I was sending out.

Naturally they wouldn't accept that, and so they let me go with the warning that they "would be watching me." That was okay with me, because I'd given them Amos's name in the first place.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 08:51 AM

is your TH stuck, Amos?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 08 - 12:17 AM

Oh!! Twenty-five THree THirty!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 11:02 PM

Well, save some for Leedle Hack, who won't be on time for it because he so half-fast.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 08:55 PM

Rap, thanks for sending along that recipe, but I think I'll pass over that one and use this one instead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 05:18 PM

And I notice your retort was not completely slow, and maybe even half fast, which is an improvement, Little Hawk.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 04:46 PM

You're half right, anyway. That's an improvement, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 04:11 PM

See, that's why he belongs int he White House, along with the other chimp. A common philosphy of crime bonds them together.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 01:11 PM

Chongo always says, "Get away? Why would I want to get away if it's justifiable homicide? That's the only kind I've ever done."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 09:16 AM

You learn SO MUCH in libraries....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 17 Sep 08 - 06:04 AM

BUT - with CSI if you are the FIRST person they go after, chances are you are innocent - because it always seems to be the SECOND person they look at this actually did it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:27 PM

If you're smart it will biodegrade quickly and leave little or no trace for some smart-aleck forensic toxicologist to find.

Don't you think CSI is absolutely real? They can take a whiff of a whisper and have an immediate printout on their super fast computers. There is no chance for you to get away.
























Until the commercial break, anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:20 PM

Following the ingestion (swallowing) of strychnine, symptoms of poisoning usually appear within 15 to 60 minutes.
People exposed to low or moderate doses of strychnine by any route will have the following signs or symptoms:

    * Agitation
    * Apprehension or fear
    * Ability to be easily startled
    * Restlessness
    * Painful muscle spasms possibly leading to fever and to kidney and liver injury
    * Uncontrollable arching of the neck and back
    * Rigid arms and legs
    * Jaw tightness
    * Muscle pain and soreness
    * Difficulty breathing
    * Dark urine
    * Initial consciousness and awareness of symptoms

People exposed to high doses of strychnine may have the following signs and symptoms within the first 15 to 30 minutes of exposure:

    * Respiratory failure (inability to breathe), possibly leading to death
    * Brain death


'Tain't a purty way ta go, that's fer dang sure....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 08:27 PM

No, but his little sister Chinga has...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 07:35 PM

I guess Chongo has never seen strychnine work.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 07:22 PM

A nice, slow-acting poison allows the recepient to croak several hours after administration, often in their own home. If you're smart it will biodegrade quickly and leave little or no trace for some smart-aleck forensic toxicologist to find. Most importantly, someone else has to deal with the mess of disposing of the body, cleaning up, and so on.

Throttling is okay too, as long as you tie off your victims pant legs at the ankle. Done correctly the hyoid bone might not even be broken.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 06:15 PM

Chongo prefers to use guns. Knives are okay too, but he really likes the smell of gunsmoke. If all else fails, however, a good old-fashioned bludgeoning or throttling will do the job just fine. He would never poison someone. That's just plain sneaky and it's not really violent enough either to satisfy an ape of action like Chongo.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 06:08 PM

On the other hand, one sees the same in certain green-scaled vipers in Southeast Asian jungles.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 12:57 PM

It's nice to see such a green streak in one so murderously inclined, Rapaire.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 12:55 PM

Which is why I prefer using poison or a blunt instrument instead of a gun or knife. I get so depressed when I see the bloodstains of someone I had to kill, especially if it was a friend...and replacing the carpets gets sooooo expensive after a while....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 11:25 AM

YEs, haunting. It has lain, buried but redolent, since I read it at school in those very Vermont hills, so many years ago.

But we don't go in for that kind of thing here in California. School shootings, drive-by shootings, Great White attacks, asphyxiating smog, bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper freeways, and madcap infatuations with fatuous dilettantes, yes. But manectomies by buzz-saw? No way. It would be bad for the environment, leaving bloodstains around.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 10:38 AM

"Out, Out - "

The buzz saw snarled and rattled in the yard
And made dust and dropped stove-length sticks of wood,
Sweet-scented stuff when the breeze drew across it.
And from there those that lifted eyes could count
Five mountain ranges one behing the other
Under the sunset far into Vermont.
And the saw snarled and rattled, snarled and rattled,
As it ran light, or had to bear a load.
And nothing happened: day was all but done.
Call it a day, I wish they might have said
To please the boy by giving him the half hour
That a boy counts so much when saved from work.
His sister stood beside him in her apron
To tell them "Supper." At the word, the saw,
As if it meant to prove saws know what supper meant,
Leaped out at the boy's hand, or seemed to leap -
He must have given the hand. However it was,
Neither refused the meeting. But the hand!
Half in appeal, but half as if to keep
The life from spilling. Then the boy saw all -
Since he was old enough to know, big boy
Doing a man's work, though a child at heart -
He saw all was spoiled. "Don't let him cut my hand off -
The doctor, when he comes. Don't let him, sister!"
So. The hand was gone already.
The doctor put him in the dark of ether.
He lay and puffed his lips out with his breath.
And then - the watcher at his pulse took a fright.
No one believed. They listened to his heart.
Little - less - nothing! - and that ended it.
No more to build on there. And they, since they
Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs.


By my old pal Robert Frost.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 09:39 AM

My new bandsaw, sir, is purely vegetarian. It eats wood grain but no flesh.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 09:11 AM

It's the number of brain cells he had left after surviving the Sixties. Now there are fewer, since he's also survived the Seventies, the Eighties, and the Nineties. Going into the Zeroes he had just the last number left, which is why he capitalized it.

By the way, he's now known around SoCal at "All Thumbs Amos" after that little problem with his new band saw.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 08 - 12:15 AM

What are you at, Amos? Looks like a number shell game.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:51 PM

Ha!! Two-five-three-oh-SEVEN!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 05:52 PM

As the short-order cook said as he cooked breakfasts, "Last one in is a rotten egg!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 04:03 PM

ptooooyey

last pun is a rotten egg.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 04:01 PM

Yegg? That has gfot to be some kind of yolk, right? I am more hardboiled than any yegg you can remember, pal, and if you doubt it you will be shelling out in a hurry. It'll give you some fond memories to put in your "Lessons Learned" albumin.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 03:29 PM

Yeah, ever since they jailed the last yegg ol' Amos ain't been the same.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 12:34 PM

Well, someoner is, and they're posting under your handle.

Talk about Identity Theft!!! Somone has appropriated the worst side of Rapaire and left the good bits where they were.   How weird is that? I tell ya, things just aren;t the same any more. I can't keep up with this new generation of felons.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:57 AM

But I'm not.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:57 AM

like a nasty little snot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:57 AM

I would grab two five three oh oh


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:56 AM

(which of course I'm not)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:56 AM

If I were mean and nasty


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:48 AM

Why would I want to eat myself when others are so darned tasty? A little pork rub, slow cooking while wrapped in banana leaves...finest kind of eatin'. Learned that recipe from some fellas in New Guinea.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 10:06 AM

He's busy coming out of the (crowded) closet this morning. He said so on the de-cluttering thread. I wonder if MOM knows that he tossed all of her old holey gardening pants and those funky Easter hats in the bags he's taking to the Goodwill?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 09:58 AM

IO found this remark in a Times column about conspicuous consumption:

"Individualization and customization are two other marketing buzzwords. You can now order regular M&M's online with an image of your face on them. This enables you to eat yourself, so to speak, an act in which narcissism and individualization merge. Yum."

I thought Rapaire should be made aware.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 08 - 12:20 AM

Rockville. Pooey on Rockville. Ya gotta live in Silver Spring to be ANYBODY around there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 08 - 11:16 PM

Nice walk, Don. I took my pooches for an exploratory stroll through the new development going up across the street and through a little wood. The builders throw down too much trash that the dogs want to pick up or eat.

Are you in Rockville? I've been playing with Google Maps and find the street you named near a park in that town.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Sep 08 - 10:19 PM

They call him "Three-fingered Amos."

Fastest guitar player in Southern California, because he doesn't have to play as many strings a before.

The day was hot, hot enough to fry a man's brains under his hat. By high noon it was hot enough to fry a man's innards.

Three-fingered Amos stepped out into the dusty plaza of the small town, his guitar slung across this chest. Fifty feet way Jerry Garcia, "Four-fingered Jerry", stepped from under the shade of the canopy outside Juan's cantina.

The dust billowed about them as they deliberately strode towards each other. Twenty feet away they stopped, each waiting for the other the make the first move, to find the Lost Chord.

Neither could do what they really wanted, which was to present aloft the middle finger of the right hand to the other....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 08 - 10:06 PM

The curse of the Band Saw


It was not the lost fingers and spilled blood, about which I had been generously warned by many friends when the word got around I had a new band saw.

The cuirse of the band saw was more subtle.

When I finished the backbreaking task of assembling, positioning, squaring, trueing, aligning and level the bugger, and cleaning off the preservative on the cast-iron table and waxing the surface down, the creature was beautiful. It stood tall, a proud testament to American ingenuity and design, gleaming in the dusty garage workshop,It made the whole garage, with its used and bruised tools and collections of stuff look shamefully out of date.

So I have spent the last two days cleaning and hauling and re-ordering every godam thing in the garage. It now looks lovely, with the band saw as centerpiece.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Sep 08 - 04:49 PM

Walking the dog

Everyday or night, rain or shine, freeze or bake, I walk the dog down to the trail that winds along Rock Creek. We start at the front door where the dog customarily celebrates by barking and taking the leash in its mouth until we hit the sidewalk when instantly the discipline of walking in polite tandem begins.
We pass by the rambler house of the divorcee who still shows signs of post traumatic stress of an abusive husband and cross the street to old Bill Sutherland's house. He volunteers all of his time to advance every cause of the GOP. If it takes a small man to carry a big grudge, he is your man. Next door is the family with kids the same age as ours but must have heard that our family has leprosy and that I was a retired hitman, so there are no hellos, just a scramble to get out of view. Now past the mysterious Russian's house and the black family who may smile but who never make diversity a verb and keep to themselves.

We turn right and pass two more houses. Bob the engineer who may never sell his house and take their RV across the country since deregulation stole the economy. Opposite Bob's house is Madeline and her partner who have the most happy yard right next to the park. She has kayaks on a rack, benches, hanging gardens from a second story porch, enormous decorative boulders, deer feeding stations with flowers and everything else that smiles like a heart warming Norman Rockwell painting.
At the dead end of Oriental Street the dog and I pass through the guard rails and descend the path beside a storm sewer stream that emerges from a six foot high tunnels with an iron grate that swings from the top when the roaring water gushes 5 feet high..

The forest is forever different from one day to the next. Sometimes four foot tall buzzards might be perched nearby and always the deer who share every detail of their family while trying not to be too leery of the dog.

The trail serpentines around Oak and Sycamore. The aroma in spring is like breathing candy air but usually the scent of methane wafts from the human sewer built 14 feet beneath the park's asphalt path. In winter the gas is so strong I have worried about any open flame.

A Rubik's cube is said to have 42 quadrillion different possible faces. The dog walk has many more. In the spring the tiny frogs start peeping when it gets above 60 degrees at 5 PM. As it gets warmer the chorus grows louder and more intense as mating day arrives. On that glorious day they sing in major thirds and build to augmented fourths that sounds like their version of Beethoven's ninth. I sometimes imagine what this place looked like 530 million years ago and of the asteroid that hit Chesapeake bay leaving all the great white boulders of shocked quartz today. What did it sound like, how did it smell? What creatures hunted this land? What would they think of me?

There is the screech owl at the edge of night in autumn and the black snake sunning in summer, the beaver busiest in spring and the fox passing through in winter. Every walk of course includes the dog sniffing historic canine urination, carrion and poo.
At night in the deep fog we walked down the path with the guidance of my small LED flashlight. The beam slices through the fog to reveal a black dog leash that disappears somewhere near an invisible black dog. Then a burst of green lighted dog eyes in the mist warn me that I am almost falling off the path. The dog can see 100 times better in the dark than I, and I have pretty good night vision.

By day I sometimes close my eyes as the sun's staccato bursts of brilliance syncopates the rhythm of the tallest leaves of trees. We even heard a baby cry in the woods only to discovery a fawn had just been born. Last week a runner was about ten paces in front of a blind bicyclist who smiled as he peddled along the path 10 feet above the drop off into the creek.

On weekends the bikes, dog walkers and stroller pushers could justify good business for a hot dog stand but most of the time there are but one or two encounters with other humans.
Those encounters are pleasant with the very old or very young but otherwise are nearly nasty but never quite. Many people have earphones on as do I when I am listening to interesting stories on NPR.

Allen walks his elderly Labrador and makes mention of anything that smacks of godless liberalism.   He even criticized my listening to BBC until I reminded him they were part of the mother of all coalitions of pre emptive Bush wars.
I tease him unmercifully about his Limbaughism to the point he once slogged through a swamp to avoid passing me walking the dog. That is about as far as the war penetrates the forest but global warming effects every plant and animal here, moving scheduled hatching and fruiting as much as three weeks ahead or behind.

The dog is wonderfully happy and relieved exploring the path by the creek everyday except for the day it flooded and we walked through 20 inches of water that overflowed as much as 30 yards from the stream. On the way I am gently pulled by the leash and as time goes on, I go slower as the dog goes faster.

Some people have been traveling for hundreds of thousands of miles and have seen many things, while I've just been walking the dog watching the seasons change. The dog walk forever changes and except for the neighbors and their homes we pass at the start and end. The path has more faces than a Rubik's cube. So do the people deep down, but somehow they manage to show only one unchanging face.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Sep 08 - 03:05 PM

"Paddling is an act of deliberate will, with no automatic continuity."

That depends on the paddler. I've seen people (and ducks) who could thoughtlessly paddle their way into a complete state of futility even while thinking they were doing something else entirely.


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Mudcat time: 19 September 6:36 PM EDT

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