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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 21 Aug 04 - 04:53 PM
Amos 21 Aug 04 - 03:02 PM
GUEST,Amos 21 Aug 04 - 09:57 AM
Rapparee 20 Aug 04 - 04:30 PM
Rapparee 20 Aug 04 - 04:04 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 20 Aug 04 - 03:43 PM
Rapparee 20 Aug 04 - 01:00 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 20 Aug 04 - 12:45 PM
Little Hawk 20 Aug 04 - 12:23 PM
Acme 20 Aug 04 - 12:21 PM
GUEST,Mentor 19 Aug 04 - 10:44 PM
MMario 19 Aug 04 - 03:53 PM
Little Hawk 19 Aug 04 - 03:46 PM
Amos 18 Aug 04 - 10:02 PM
GUEST,The Supremacy of Eddore 18 Aug 04 - 07:43 PM
Acme 18 Aug 04 - 06:35 PM
Little Hawk 18 Aug 04 - 04:36 PM
Tweed 18 Aug 04 - 04:22 PM
Acme 18 Aug 04 - 03:53 PM
Tweed 18 Aug 04 - 02:44 PM
GUEST,The Supremacy of Eddore 18 Aug 04 - 02:40 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Aug 04 - 02:28 PM
Tweed 18 Aug 04 - 02:01 PM
GUEST 18 Aug 04 - 01:37 PM
GUEST,The Supremacy of Eddore 18 Aug 04 - 01:28 PM
Rapparee 18 Aug 04 - 11:16 AM
Little Hawk 18 Aug 04 - 11:02 AM
Amos 18 Aug 04 - 10:52 AM
Little Hawk 18 Aug 04 - 10:33 AM
Rapparee 18 Aug 04 - 10:12 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Aug 04 - 08:43 AM
Rapparee 17 Aug 04 - 10:35 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Aug 04 - 06:41 PM
GUEST,William Shatner 17 Aug 04 - 06:12 PM
Acme 17 Aug 04 - 05:58 PM
Rapparee 17 Aug 04 - 04:52 PM
Amos 17 Aug 04 - 04:42 PM
Rapparee 17 Aug 04 - 01:26 PM
GUEST 17 Aug 04 - 01:24 PM
Acme 17 Aug 04 - 01:21 PM
GUEST,MMario 17 Aug 04 - 01:15 PM
GUEST,William Shatner 17 Aug 04 - 01:01 PM
Amos 17 Aug 04 - 12:32 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Aug 04 - 10:14 AM
GUEST,MMario 17 Aug 04 - 09:46 AM
Rapparee 17 Aug 04 - 09:25 AM
Rapparee 16 Aug 04 - 10:24 PM
Acme 16 Aug 04 - 10:10 AM
Rapparee 16 Aug 04 - 10:03 AM
Rapparee 16 Aug 04 - 09:58 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 04:53 PM

Well, shit, I just had an email from one of Ashcroft's minions. They said if I try to do anything about seasoning all of that popcorn I'll be charged with aSalt and Buttery.

Sorry, but you're going to have to stop that truck heading to (now no doubt PAST Nashville) yourself. Unless the Eddore folks offer to help.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 03:02 PM

I am pleased to announce that Little Hawk has been recruited by the Church of Shatnerology as an officer in their elite para-military branch the Seashat Organization, a high-level group of dedicated Shaterologists who commit themselves to following their Commander through life-time after life-time, picking up his discarded toupees and documenting his various efforts at accomplishing things.

In his new role as a Lieutenant in the Seashat organization, Lt. Little Hawk will be busy learning the vocabulary of fanaticism, and will not have time to speak to us in the terms of enlightenment to which we are accustomed to hearing him write. He'll be much too busy to post here. But this is a small price to pay for the joy of knowing that our man Little Hawk is truly happy for perhaps the first time in his life.

Good luck, Little Hawk, and may you rise rapidly to the top of the, um, heap!! Although we won't be able to follow you across that Special Gap, know that our best wishes are with you. Shatner has NO idea how lucky he is.

As always,

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 09:57 AM

In later developments it appears the Great Popcorn Catastrophe was a carefully orchestrated election-year boost laid down in smokey back-rooms by overweight Republicans wearing gold watch chains. It seems the scheme was conceived in the perfervid brain o f Karl Rove and called for people to believe hte popcorn was being distributed to each according to his need by left wing fanatics, thus causing a lurch to the right by thousands of undecided and slightly spastic voters.

However, the printers who had been ordered to provide little "Remember the Motherland" slips to put in the popcorn boxes, to convince people the popcorn was a Communist plot, slipped up and printed "Defend the Homeland" on the slips instead. Voters thus immediately saw through the scheme and proceeded to decide to vote Green in unprecedented numbers.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 04:30 PM

Here is a picture of some of the pigeons passing over a Mohawk town.

And here is a picture of a local ornithologist trying to tally the numbers of pigeons winging eastward from Idaho.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 04:04 PM

This just in:

The Department of Homeland Skurity has declared a terrorist alert level of "Flaming Crimson." Tom Gully, the Secretary of Homeland Skurity, said "the snowfall, originating as it has from a single truck, is a blatant attempt to bring this country to its knees. We can't let that happen."

The President stated in a news conference, "We'll use every means at our disposal to end this terror, even nukler bombs if we must. America will be defended!"

Meanwhile, vast flocks of pigeons have left cities in the Midwest, the East Coast, and the West coast and seem to be converging on the site of the truck. NORAD has issued the first "Guano Alert" in its history, putting all of SAC's bombers and missiles under shelter. The EPA has suggested all civilians in the path of the pigeons to wear sturdy hats.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 03:43 PM

Can we get a little road butter to go with that road salt?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 01:00 PM

I've just seen on the news that the popcorn has started blowing eastwards. Thinking it was snow, livestock all over the place have frozen to death, cars and trucks won't start or are skidding off the road, and various states are screaming for road salt. Governors in Tennessee, West Virginia, and Virginia have declared snow emergencies and activated what's left of their National Guards.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:45 PM

It's your fault, SRS. You pointed to the wrong truck! It wasn't the one headed down I-75 toward Knoxville. It was the one headed down I-65 toward Nashville. An easy mistake to make, but one with serious consequences, and we're not just talking about Lexington being buried under fifty feet of the magic treat that's as much fun to make as it is to eat. It means that the piano accordion is still on its way to West Palm Beach!

But, hey, there's always a silver lining. The fish have joined the dogs, cats and parakeets in the mass exodus from Florida. I'm gonna toss a couple of rods & reels into the truck and slip over to Gulf Shores, Alabama, and try my luck off the fishin' pier.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:23 PM

Does Bobert know about this? Wait, he's in West Virginia.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:21 PM

Eddore, you hit the wrong truck. I was pointing you at the UPS truck carrying that accordian, not the . . .the. . . oh my gosh. . .!!!" that was a friggin' Jiffy Pop truck. You've buried half of Kentucky under popcorn!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mentor
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 10:44 PM

Pay no attention to Amos' Evil Twin, the being who calls itself "The Supremacy of Eddore."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 03:53 PM

I thought Shatner WAS the supremacy - or vice versa -


he is the ultimate in evil and disgust....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 03:46 PM

That's approximately what William Shatner would have said, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 10:02 PM

Oh, Eddore, you are so infantile. Go piss on your hands.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Supremacy of Eddore
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 07:43 PM

Foolish woman. That truck is an integral part of The Plan. We have visualized the results, and assure you that your so-called "Civilization" is doomed. There is no escaping the inevitable and you certainly won't enjoy it, either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 06:35 PM

That has never been good advice--the recoommendation now (and the natural inclination) is to fight tooth an nail to prevent such an outcome!

Supremacy of Eddore, take out that UPS truck travelling south to Knoxville on I-75. It's the one by the big road cut, past state route 92 in Kentucky. . . ready, aim, vaporize!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 04:36 PM

Escape? Why not just lean back and enjoy it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 04:22 PM

Say the word SRS an I will send copies to you also. I'm sure thar iz not enough good accordian music in yore great State and I am convinced that I am chosen fore a holy mission to distribute this wonderss sound wherever there is need of it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 03:53 PM

For once, I'm glad I live in Texas! It's four states away!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 02:44 PM

I had been wondering at the large numbers of carcasses mashed out on the local highways Beezer, but hed atrubbed it to a mass mating season brought on by extreme heat and humous. You will be pleased with yore collection of "Tweed's Alltime Accordian Hits", including my own composure entiteled "CrackHo obv Spam" and numerous 3/4 waltz'z and gala reels. I hope to cram 90 minutes of fine accordian playing and singing and it should be my crowning glory, my masterpiece, the end to all ends!!! O, I can bearly stand to wait for it's arrival and I am sure you share my extuberence. If my burner still burns after the first copy, I will try to make another to send up for when you wear the first one out. Yes, I can almost sense the tears of your joy running down yore old cheeks as you hear for the first time, "Dark Thighs" and the "Volga Batman" as these classics should be really played.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Supremacy of Eddore
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 02:40 PM

Our action has begun. You cannot escape.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 02:28 PM

NEWSFLASH!!!!!

GEORGIA SWAMPED BY STRAY ANIMALS!!!!!


Animal control officers throughout southern Georgia have been inundated with reports of massive numbers of stray dogs, cats, parakeets and even a few exotic wild animals migrating northward from the Florida peninsula. At first, it was assumed that the animal exodus was due to the effects of Hurricane Charlie, but it now appears that the root cause is the impending arrival in the southern Florida region of a "piano accordion". It appears that, much like animals are said to be able to sense impending earthquakes, the "dumb animals" of Florida have sensed the vibrations of said "piano accordion" in a southbound UPS truck and are hauling ass to anyplace north ot the St. Mary's River before the aforementioned accordion arrives at its destination, alledgedly the domicile of a Mr. R. Shaw of West Palm Beach.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 02:01 PM

...OBV SPECIAL INTERST TO BEEDUBZ AND QUEEN CAROLC....



I have the happy opputunity to annunce thet my piano-accordeen iz even now enroute to the Great Sandbar of Florida. It iz being imported from the Great State of Indiana (home obv the Savant-extraordinaire, J.Danforth Quayle) via a fine Tweedizen gal who works in a thrift store and made the mistake obv axing if ennyone waz interested in it. I hope to soon habv a homebilt cd to ship up to Beedubz whom I habv reason to believe iz a closet accordiophile and feel sure thet he would appreciate habving a collection ob my first efforts at playing this wonderful insterment.

No, don't thank me Beedzerzz az the credit iz all due to being in Mudcat proximity to the Squeeze Box Queen CarolC, who habz insparred me to take this turn in my musical road. My gratutide to that High Priestess obv MOAB knows no bounds. Thank you Carol and permit me to thank you on behalf obv the old Pot Thrower too!

Yores mos' truly,
Tweed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 01:37 PM

Be silent, laughable one! Or we shall ask the Arasians to grant a lens to Cleigh O'Possum - and then you shall learn true humiliation and defeat.

Better yet - maybe we should ask for a lens for the little pissant. Why make Cleigh exert himself when so little will be needed to teach the "Supremacy" its proper place.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Supremacy of Eddore
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 01:28 PM

You fools actually believe that because five puling infants worked against us that we were defeated? Know then that one of them was working for us and those of Eddore who were worthy escaped that puny attempt to crush us.

Bodhrans will consume you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 11:16 AM

I had a grade school teacher who said almost the same thing about me.

Sister Mary Ann Mania it was, the kindly old nun who taught me during my stint in third grade. She believed in postive reinforcement as the key to learning and it was awful. Tommy begged and pleaded with her to hit him, to skin him alive, to send him to the principle's office, to send a note home to his parents, but no. She would smile and say things like, "Now, Tommy, I'm certain that you can do better, can't you? You're a smart boy and I'm sure that you can." And Tommy would be forced to go back and try and, too often for his psyche to bear, he'd succeed. We pitied him and would beat him up every recess, but he eventually drifted away from the pathways opened for him during his youth and while the rest of us became extortionists, politicians, and pursued similar professions, Tommy skidded downwards, ever downwards, and eventually became a pharmacist.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 11:02 AM

Indeed. That's just what I was thinking. :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 10:52 AM

Sometimes wisdom surfaces in the most unexpected places, LH....

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 10:33 AM

You're ignoring him, aren't you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 10:12 AM

Well, I suppose you could visit Jville if you either really wanted to do so or were slightly mad. No, I was thinking of the Belleterra, upstream from the Jville area and nearly in Ohio.

Madison is an interesting town, with lots of historic buildings and things. Farmer's Retreat and Dillville are somewhat smaller than Chicago, but you can usually buy gas there at prices that are only moderately inflated.

I thnk my favorite road in Indiana is the Cheap White Guys Trail, renamed by my brother from its official name of the Chief White Eyes Trail. When you've finished driving it you have to back up at least a hundred yards to unscrew yourself from the ground.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 08:43 AM

you can gamble on a boat on the Indiana side of the Ohio River now...

Which would mean that one would have to actually stop the car and visit Jeffersonville, Indiana? I think not. Definitely on my list of "drive-through-as-quickly-as-possible-and-try-to-forget-you-were-ever-there" places.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 10:35 PM

Oh contrear, Bee Dubya.

Both the Elkhart and the St. Joseph flow nearby. In fact, the Elkhart flows into the St. Joe, merging at -- you guessed, Elkhart! And there are the Wabash and the Tippecanoe and the Yellow and the Red and the White and the Blue rivers, but they're not near where you were, but further south. There are also creeks, cricks, brooks, runs, and other mini-riverine features nearly too numerous to mention and so, not to bore you with such place names as Laughery Creek and Little Laughery Creek and Cedar Creek and so on I won't name them. I'd mention the Ohio River as well, but it doesn't flow through the state of Indiana.*















*The northern boundary of Kentucky is defined as the high water mark on the northern bank of the Ohio River. Thus the Ohio doesn't flow through Indiana. This was brought to Indiana's attention when Indiana first proposed riverboat gambling on the Ohio, and the governor of Kentucky threatened to confiscate what would be illegal gambling boats. The best that Indiana could do, under the law, was gambling canoes. This has since been changed and you can gamble on a boat on the Indiana side of the Ohio River now, if you want to bother to do so.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 06:41 PM

OF SPECIAL INTEREST TO CAROL C !!!!

(But the rest of you may read it too.)

Portable toilets at the art festival in northern Indiana in which I exhibited over the weekend were provided by CRIPE'S SEPTIC SERVICE. Just drop a single diphthong and it would be CRAP'S SEPTIC SERVICE. I'm sure that none of those nice Indiana and Michigan people call them "CRIPE'S CRAPPERS" or any variation thereof. Nope. They're far too civilized for that type of stuff.

Nice toilets too. They use a disinfectant that smells like Lemon Pledge. And nobody mistook one for a canoe and tried to paddle it down the river, though the fact that there was no river nearby may have been a contributing factor.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,William Shatner
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 06:12 PM

Well, you know what they say in entertainment...as long as you can still stir a strong reaction from the public, then you've still got what it takes. I'm going to go out and barbecue some steaks and think about how much you are all going to miss me until the next time I decide to drop in. Chin up, folks! I'll be thinking of you all as the steaks sizzle over the hot coals.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 05:58 PM

No, that was a typo. He's the MARINATED one. Turn him over, he's done on that side.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 04:52 PM

He's...not...the AROINTED One, is he????


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 04:42 PM

The quintessential paradigmatic embodiment of archetypal STUNODITY!!

AROINT!!!!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:26 PM

Stun? You can't stun the stunned.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:24 PM

Then phaser him on 'STUN'


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:21 PM

Beam him up, Scottie!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:15 PM

NO!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,William Shatner
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 01:01 PM

I've been busy, but thought I would drop in for a second or two. Have you missed me?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 12:32 PM

Y aknow you guys are gems for bringing up profound but overlooked myszztries of life like that there waiter thing. We say we're waitin' on someone when we're waiting for them, and the people who are really waiting on others don't wait at all once you've made up yore damned mind to have the same thing you had the last 321 times you came into this diner....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 10:14 AM

Hi folk. I have returned from the 50º coolness of the Indiana/Michigan border to the 95º swampiness of Floribama.

Yes, Rap, the show (all 4 days of it) was at Amish Acres. It was fun and profitable. Did not see any Klingons or Vogons this trip. Just a few Amish.

I'm all up for the Mighty Mudcat Tour thingie. Only problem is it would be dificult to produce that much pottery in advance so I'd have to work on the road. If someone has access to a truck large enough to carry my entire studio and equipped with a generator capable of firing two 50 Amp 240 Volt kilns....

I am not surprised to learn that khandu and Tweed are, in fact, the same person. That explains a lot of things. I'm not sure exactly what things it explains, but there are a lot of them.

However it does not explain why the person who takes one's order in a restaurant is called the "waiter" when, in fact, it's the customer who does the waiting. The "waiter" is usually busier than a cat coverin' up shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 09:46 AM

sigh...I miss 1585


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 09:25 AM

There wasn't any bottom. Fionula was there, of course, waiting. She was always waiting. Waiting was her life. She had been a waitress, once, but was now a waiter. She'd been a waitress for Weight Watchers, watching those who watched their weight while she waited tables. But that was all in the past. Her brother, Wattie, had also once waited but he was impatient and no longer did so. Wattie was a disappointment to the family, being a hermaphrodidic eunuch, but he was still her brother and sister and she was proud of his work as a harem guard to the Sultan of Oswish. Fionula often wished that she'd someday see Wattie again, but she knew that unless she went to work in Oswish that wasn't very likely. She remembered how when they were children they'd often talk about Life and Love and Music and Ask Great Questions About Things, none of which meant a thing or were ever answered. That was why she'd become a atheistic animist. It wasn't much of a religion, believed in the god or goddess that didn't exist in everything around you, but it was her own. All her own in fact, and sometimes at services she'd get lonely, preaching the sermon and then running out to to sit in the pews so that when the words arrived there'd be a congregation to listen. Wearing, it was. She was also the Sexton, the Vicar, the Choir and the Music Director, the bell-ringer, the janitor, and the archbishop. Yes indeed, it was wearing, and she was not only tired of the silly cassocks and albs and chasubles that she had to wear, the berreta was wearing a hole in her silk teddie where the hammer snagged the fabric. She often wondered if her sister, the nun, had the same problem. Probably not, since the Sisters of Divine Retribution wore tight leather habits and carried a quart of quirts. The quirts weren't painful, being devoid of quarks, but they were intimidating. Her sister, Sister Merry Bottom, sister with the laughing blue ears and the giggling lips, sister with the long fuscia hair. It was real fuscia, too, due to a childish prank she'd played on her when she was a baby.

But there was still no bottom, and so Fionula waited.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 10:24 PM

Mother shall not fall tonight!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 10:10 AM

Rapaire and Amos, it isn't "rope" theory you should investigate, but "Knot Theory and it's Ramifications." (Don't ask me how I came across this site--it was a serendipitious discovery and looked so interesting I make a bookmark).

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 10:03 AM

Hey, I snagged a palindromic number! Good for me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 09:58 AM

Crocky, I do hope that you didn't feel that oral sex wasn't a sexual act. 'Cause if you did and if you did, you won't anymore.


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