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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 10 - 03:17 PM
Amos 03 Sep 10 - 02:30 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 02:26 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 02:23 PM
gnu 03 Sep 10 - 02:17 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 02:06 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 10 - 01:39 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Sep 10 - 01:12 PM
MMario 03 Sep 10 - 01:02 PM
Acme 03 Sep 10 - 12:56 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 10 - 12:36 PM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 10 - 12:19 PM
Amos 03 Sep 10 - 11:22 AM
Rapparee 03 Sep 10 - 11:17 AM
Eiseley 03 Sep 10 - 11:07 AM
Acme 02 Sep 10 - 11:10 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 10 - 09:32 PM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 09:11 PM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 04:17 PM
Donuel 02 Sep 10 - 03:04 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 10 - 01:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 01:11 PM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 12:40 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 10 - 10:41 AM
Amos 02 Sep 10 - 10:33 AM
Acme 02 Sep 10 - 10:15 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Sep 10 - 09:22 AM
Amos 01 Sep 10 - 11:51 PM
Acme 01 Sep 10 - 11:03 PM
Donuel 01 Sep 10 - 11:02 PM
Rapparee 01 Sep 10 - 11:00 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Sep 10 - 09:46 PM
Donuel 01 Sep 10 - 08:06 PM
Donuel 01 Sep 10 - 07:56 PM
Acme 01 Sep 10 - 06:48 PM
gnu 01 Sep 10 - 04:05 PM
Donuel 01 Sep 10 - 03:54 PM
Rapparee 01 Sep 10 - 03:31 PM
Amos 01 Sep 10 - 02:50 PM
Amos 01 Sep 10 - 11:28 AM
Rapparee 01 Sep 10 - 10:44 AM
Acme 01 Sep 10 - 12:34 AM
Amos 31 Aug 10 - 11:05 PM
Acme 31 Aug 10 - 10:52 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Aug 10 - 10:12 PM
Rapparee 31 Aug 10 - 08:35 PM
Amos 31 Aug 10 - 08:26 PM
gnu 31 Aug 10 - 07:09 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 03:17 PM

Bee-Dubya, you need another such license for women.

Simple! Just change the last line from "And you can screw when'ere you like, even if you are both men" to "And you can screw when'ere you like, even if you're both women."

And, Little Hawk, most of us are well aware that marriage isn't just about sex. But exaggeration about marital sex is a widely used humorous conceit. If jokedom had to depend on the true reality of marriage for its fodder, there'd be no marital jokes at all, would there?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:30 PM

Alas! A lass and a lass!
They are finally legal, at last!
To avoid gender gaff, oh,
They worship with Sappho,
And their marriage may now come to pass!

But don't shout it out on the street!
And pause 'ere you blog-post or Tweet!
It may be the fashion
To brag about passion
But by law, this permitt is discreet!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:26 PM

Here's an example:

Water sports!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:23 PM

Wha....?

You shock me, sir...or madam. There is nothing untoward about playing fetch with the wiener dog. As a matter of fact it's good, clean fun.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:17 PM

"like play fetch with the wiener dog"

I was gonna make a pun but I looked up the word on google... never mind.. I have to go throw up instead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 02:06 PM

Ah. So you're telling me, Rapaire, that I have missed having a constant diet of sex by not getting married? Hmm. ;-) Hell, I'd probably have died of exhaustion long ago under such a demanding daily regime. When would I have had time to do the important things...like play fetch with the wiener dog? Or add to my collection of Shatner memorabilia? Hmmm?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:39 PM

No married couple does those things.... Read? Hobbies? Budget? Future planning? Why would you want to do that when you can...you know.

Bee-Dubya, you need another such license for women.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM

Marriage is definitely not just about sex. So why do people only seem to focus on the sexual part of it when the concept of "gay marriage" is discussed? Do gays do nothing at all except fuck??? If so, when would they get time to do things like earn a living, eat (no pun intended), sleep (no pun again!), budget, plan for the future, pursue hobbies and special interests, read books, and get out socially?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:12 PM

A poetic gay marriage license:

Your union is now sanctioned, at least within t!his state.
Congratulations to you! We think it is just great!
Now you can live together and none can call it sin
And you can screw when'ere you like, even if you are both men.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 01:02 PM

hey NOM! Guess What?

I'm going to getaway


I got to, cuz I paid for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 12:56 PM

Good one, Amos! Flogging couplets, indeed!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 12:36 PM

'Sokay, the BS is hanging by a thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 12:19 PM

Could you briefly summarize the last 50 or so posts for me, Amos? I'm beginning to lose the thread of it... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 11:22 AM

Parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme,
Rapaire writes poems that just don't rhyme!
Built a fortune and a mansion
Flogging couplets without scansion.
Now his world is all up-ended!
His poetic
license is
hereby
sus-
pended.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 11:17 AM

Hyar's a license to live hyar in Texas
Where ya won't pay hardly no taxes.
Ya kin raise kids, own a house,
Shoot Comanches er mouse
Jist as long as ya vote Republican.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Eiseley
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 11:07 AM

Here's a permit for guns to be toted
By one who enjoys stuff exploded
He can have a gun
He's got, like, a ton
But this license precludes their being loaded.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 11:10 PM

Some of these hurt my brain to read.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 09:32 PM

He's a lousy driver, a speeder, a lout,
To deny a license no one would blame us;
But he passed most of the tests,
Cheated well on the rest,
So we must give this license to Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 09:11 PM

I really like the idea of all those poetic licenses of various kinds. It could really revitalize the English Major community!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 04:17 PM

Indeed, sir!! A hunting poetic license:

This librarian can't polka or waltz,
And he's overly fond of strong malts,
But we give him this ticket
To go hunt in a thicket
In respect for his output of schmaltz!!


And a fishing poetic license:


By these presents, know all men that above-named Rapaire
(Six foot two, 210 pouonds, missing some of his hair)
Is entitle,d whenever he finds himself wishing,
To dress up like an eedjit and waste his time fishing.

I believe there's an industry here waiting to ber born!! A fortune to be made!!

A poetic Social Security card:

In passionate hopes for a peaceful futurity
Has presented herself to our office, Ms Eiseley
And so we have named her under Social Security
Convinced she has done so both nicely and wisely!

And one for Security Clearances:

The bearer shown, one old BWL
Is scruffy, rude, and mutters things erotic
And has as well a most peculiar smell
But still and all is very patriotic!
Therefore do we, cream of the nation's cops
Hereby declare him cleared for "SECRET, TOP!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 03:04 PM

Schmaltz - chicken fat, corny theme or performance, overly sentimental boardering on cheesy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 01:47 PM

Or occupations:

This here guy's a potter
He grows them on a wheel
Then bakes them crisp
And lets them cool
Then sells them to some heel.


or

This lady tells stories to brats
Who are worse than "Animal House" frats
Dirty faces and snot
Leaky diapers and rot
She's still sane -- send her congrats!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 01:28 PM

Why stop at poetic drivers' licenses? What about fishing licenses? Business licenses? And what about the millions of non-drivers who get official identification cards from the DMV? What about Social security cards? Voter registration cards?

This voter is a Democrat
As zealous as a rabid bat
He'd sooner kiss a badger than
He'd vote for a Republican


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 01:11 PM

To a degree, the nation Mencken claims to delight in as an "Eden of clowns" is a mischievous creation unified by his own powerful sense of the ridiculous. Throughout Prejudices, he drives the diverse "bosh mongers," spewers of buncombe and "geysers of pishposh" into the same corral through sheer brawny eloquence and fistic wit.

Thus his menagerie of scoundrels brings together such strange bedfellows as "the Ku Klux Klan and all other clownish fraternal orders," Chambers of Commerce, Methodists, Chautauquans, prohibitionists, sex hygienists, Freudian "necromancers," the "snouting and preposterous Puritan," and the "fantoddish old suffragette."

Indeed, his prose style is an assertion of masculine puissance (to use one of his favorite words); and it strikes one that what gives such galvanic force to his writing is not only his "unashamed taste for the bizarre and indelicate," but his outraged feeling that America is being emasculated by purveyors of genteel literature, wowsers, teetotalers, and "vassarized" women. "Here," he says, "is a land in which women rule and men are slaves. Train your women to get your slippers for you, and your ill fame will match Galileo's or Darwin's."




Mencken. One of the great linguists of America, he, a master of the colored noun and the sharp-edged verb. A national treasure, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:40 PM

The bearer, that rascal Rapaire
May be seen going here, going there
In a V-8 rickshaw!
He's entitled, by law
But please! Other drivers, beware!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 10:41 AM

There is a guy in San Diego
Who is given a license to go-go
All over to drive
While he is alive
But when he is dead it's a no-no.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 10:33 AM

POETIC license? Where do I get one of those? Mine is kinda drab and bureaucratic, and the photo is way out of date. I'd like one that says something more poetic:

To whom it may concern, sir, know that We
The managers and helpers at the California DMV
Have written you these lines to say,
That on this very special day
We're glad that Amos is alive
And we're sure that it's okay for him to drive!"




Now, THAT's a poetic license.

Or, if you don't like schnaltzy poetry, perhaps something more formal:

Let all me know that by these presents writ
The will of the Department shall be known;
That on the roads of this State, viz, to wit,
California by the Great Pacific; town
Of San Diego, it has been decreed
This license issued is to drive
If well within the laws of lane and speed
As long as bearer's legally alive...


or perhaps something more abstract and modern:

The roads wind without end,
Swishing sunlight by sea, the rhythm
One with the air,
One with the light,
Amos drives!
This, too, is cool, oh, my brothers
And never ending. Drive, man, drive!


I think for some folks, though, nothing more sophisticated than a risque limerick should be included on their poetic license until they can pass and advanced literacy test.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 10:15 AM

Interesting choice of songs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 09:22 AM

It's called "poetic license". Cable-ties just seemed so much more appropriate to a parody of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" than did anything normally found in a public restroom. In reality, only some sorta total prevert would leave his johnson in the electric supplies department. Some shopper might mistake it for a newfangled kinda light bulb and try to light up her life with it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:51 PM

You have to wonder how he happened to have taken it out while in an aisle. Mostly, aat Home Depot, people wait until they are inside the rest room. So you have to wonder why, in the cable-ties aisle, he thought he should take it out and put it on a shelf.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:03 PM

He must not have gone down the road yet. I was over at Lowes this evening and I didn't spot any stray appendages. I did find the rope light I need to prevent stubbed toes on the step from my living room into two halls. We don't want any stubs around here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:02 PM

there are no returns after 60 days.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:00 PM

That's...that's...so touching, Bee-Dubya. Excuse me while I weep.
Okay, I'm done.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 09:46 PM

I left my penis in Home Depot
Upon a shelf down on Aisle Three
Where little bags of cable-ties reach halfway to the skies
And the smell of naphtha fills the air, that is where

My penis waits down at Home Depot
I hope mo one mistakes it for a hose
I'll get my penis back from Home Depot
And take my business down the road to Lowe's


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 08:06 PM

However my license plate holder really does say

FOX NEWS

NOW FACT FREE


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 07:56 PM

{this was part of an on going satire that opens the window on the inner workings and hypocrisy of a ficticious tea party profiteer}

[previously posted]
Getting a new business off the ground is like doing cardio excercise in hell, its exhasusting. I'm using contractors for for silk screening, bottling jobs and repackaging a new line of tasers. It is like juggling cats and dogs. Using Mexican contractors I can remain at a break even point until sales take off in October.

It really is hard work monitoring the quality, cost and efficiency of the movement and storage of merchandise, while maintaining the integrity of logistical operations. Promoting merchandise through the logistical marketing, display, advertising and shipping of said merchandise is like a delicate ballet.

I'm selling Tea Party paraphenalia such as T shirts, beverages, devices and signs (but signs are banned at the coming Beck rally).
Mostly the signs are the same ol junk but the Obama Hitler and Joker signs have red LED lights for eyes. The T shirts include Sic Sempre Tyranis and "with the blood of Patriots" quotes but my fav is "Its A Choice-Not A Child DEPORT ANCHOR BABIES!"
IT turns out that I can't sell any Palin Tea Shirts since her lawyers notified me that they get 100% of any and all sales of T shirts that have her image or name. Ibid for Beck.

I am gambling with the Return to Reaganomics signs that shows Reagan as Michelagnelo's God reaching out and sprinkling shiney coins down to Adam and Eve below, but if it catches on, I could introduce more Resurrect Reaganomic signs. There is a rumor of an emerging market for Gingrich kitch but I'll wait for now due to his recent comparison of Muslims to Nazis.

Relabeling bottles of ice tea with individual state labels like Texas Tea or Arizona TEA Party is the most labor intesive of all. Mostly its just a bit of Red Bull with Lipton ice tea.

The fad items are the biggest ticket merchandise that I carry but I had to use a Chinese source.
The package contractor is really expensive but it looks good. It has a picture of Rand Paul and Sharon Angle above "As Seen on TEA V"
and below in LARGE print "Black and Mexican Repellent" and in real small print on the bottom "works on Jews too" The price for this repackaged taser is $79.99. Expensive, but they really spice up displays at rallies.

Rapaire has generously donated some automatic weapons (sans the firing pins) as well as hunting knives on which I engrave "target Obama" on the the stock or handle.
The biggest mark up I have is for the firing pins.

Just in case you have any suitable items for which you will be reimbursed later if sold, let me know.

A new business is like a black hole for all my time but knowing that I am doing food for my country and economy is reward enough.

Exhausted but patrioticaly proud,
Don


PS
anybody here have a good recording of a Tea Party anthem for free I can sell at rallies, to media and online ?


SNEAK PREVIEW!!!

NEW Exclusive products:

Barak Hussein Obama - Worst President EVER

Legalize Obama - Make Kenya the 52nd State

Bush Doctrine Mexicans NOW

Tea Partiers are Strict Constitutionalists so
Change the 1st 2nd 10th 14th and 17th ammendments

Secede, succeed and be freed.

End all Social Justice and Entitlements for the kids

Freedom ain't free - the rich need your money.

Bush had Freedom Zones
Obama has death camps


we are 0 for 3 wars
so win one for the Beckster
nuke IRAN now


Unemployed Democrat = Lazy Drug Fiend

take out Gay Judges

Enforce the ban of the Democrat Communist Party

Kill stem cell research
Clone Reagan.

Bring back our founding father's
Official Christian State Goverment

APOLOGIZE TO;
BP, WALL ST & the Rich

UNCOVER THE OBAMA TARP RIP OFF

TERRY SCHAIVO GOT OBABMA CARE

USA still #1 in winning civil wars around the world.

cut off Barney's Frank

Rachel is completely Mad now.

Keith is Oddforaman

MSNBC ... Maniac Sinners Never Believe Christ

FOX ...Freedom OX

The wealthy have suffered long enough
extend their tax cuts forever


Obama talks in Sublimininamal Satanic Incantations

0 for the last 3 wars?
its time to nuke something or someone

Cut wages, exported jobs and paying bail outs
is your cross to bear in this life

Extend wealthy tax cuts to the here-after.

End Medicare now before death panels get you.

Practice your 2nd amdt. remedies
target Obama NOW



Jack Bauer like
White Power
is the Right Power
for you


2012 will be a wreck
its time to Elect
Palin & Beck
what the heck
don't forget
place your bets
on Sarah and Beck.

End the racist NAACP

Glen Beck has the best content of character
and color


social justice was preached by
communist MLK - NOT JESUS




Divide and CONQUER
with religious
predjudice,
racial predjudice,
sexual predjudice
so the ruling class
can divide the spoils.

(oops, Sorry. that one is true)



(there were other parts to this romp but you get the idea.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 06:48 PM

I remember he said something about a project, but didn't realize this was it. Please do tell us more.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 04:05 PM

Donuel... I missed that. Got a pic of the tee? What did is say?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 03:54 PM

South Park episode opens with a sign at the park's entrance:

Ur'in P P's Water Park.

the ph of the water today is:
all p no h


---------------------------------


The T shirt business was a total success. I sold out of all 55,000 T shirts at Metro Stations and outside the Mall for Glen Beck.

The wordy shirts went in people's bags but some folks changed into the flag wrapped cross right out in the open.

After expenses - $100,037.18 profit, as long as taxes don't enter in.
After all, with all that virually free Mexican labor, withholdings are a thing of the past.

Y'know? Its even better than slavery since I don't have to house them.

Our white heritage founding fathers would be damn proud of me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 03:31 PM

Came with her own swimming pool, didn't she? And every so often Ken would say, "Gee, I feel a warm current flowing by."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 02:50 PM

Her nickname was "Yellowtail Barbie".


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 11:28 AM

They actually made a Barbie rip-off that did that.

It was a Queue-Pee Doll...


Badabong!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 10:44 AM

Especially the pees in the queues.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 12:34 AM

And mind your Pees and Queues.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 11:05 PM

Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on, Ah allus did say.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 10:52 PM

I'm sure glad that during his absence BWL didn't visit Texas because I'd be pissed off if he DID and didn't drop in for a visit. And I don't need a penis to be pissed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 10:12 PM

Where've I been? Let's see... Since mid-June I've been to parts of Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Indiana...

Oh, you mean why haven't I been frequenting this bit of cyberspace? Well, I just sorta got burned out on cyberspace in general. Then my old PC went to Crash City courtesy of a power outage and I didn't feel like going through the trouble of reinstalling everything so I threw the sumbitch away. Meanwhile, my stepdaughter had this Mac G3 collecting dust since she got a G4, so she got a friend to clean it up and tweak it and gave it to us for $100. Now, I'm happily in Macland so I'm celebrating by posting BS.

By the way, I've never actually discovered I left my penis at home when I needed to take a pee at Home Depot. It was the other way around. I got home from Home Depot and discovered I'd left it in their restroom. Fortunately, it was still there when I went back. I wasn't looking forward to asking the nice lady at the Customer Service desk if anyone had turned in a lost penis.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 08:35 PM

Oh, I dunno. The recent death of Shame McBride was, I thought, pretty good.

Where ya been, dude?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 08:26 PM

Hurrah for BWL, who rejoins the ranks with a cascade of fiery BS power unmatched in recent history.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 07:09 PM

Don't they sell Dick Tape at Home Despots?


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