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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 06:48 PM
Little Hawk 26 Feb 08 - 06:34 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 06:12 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 06:09 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 06:04 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 03:55 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 01:24 PM
Little Hawk 26 Feb 08 - 01:21 PM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 01:09 PM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 12:32 PM
MMario 26 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 10:55 AM
Peace 26 Feb 08 - 10:35 AM
Amos 26 Feb 08 - 10:30 AM
Acme 26 Feb 08 - 10:28 AM
Rapparee 26 Feb 08 - 09:31 AM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 11:45 PM
Acme 25 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 10:09 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 12:11 PM
Amos 25 Feb 08 - 10:13 AM
Rapparee 25 Feb 08 - 09:18 AM
Acme 25 Feb 08 - 12:27 AM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM
Janie 24 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 08:55 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 08:08 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 08 - 06:36 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 04:02 PM
Acme 24 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM
Rapparee 24 Feb 08 - 03:46 PM
Acme 24 Feb 08 - 02:34 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 12:28 PM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 09:45 AM
Little Hawk 24 Feb 08 - 01:32 AM
Amos 24 Feb 08 - 01:02 AM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 11:37 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 11:24 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 10:18 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 10:06 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 10:02 PM
GUEST,Johnny 23 Feb 08 - 10:00 PM
Janie 23 Feb 08 - 09:47 PM
Amos 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM
Rapparee 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM
Acme 23 Feb 08 - 09:15 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:48 PM

Drinking...now THAT'S a good idea!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:34 PM

Needy cranks are a chronic problem in North Ontario, and I think that may account for the heavy per capita alcohol consumption up there.

Or it could be the weather...

Maybe both, eh? ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:12 PM

And if I had more money I wouldn't BE a needy crank!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:09 PM

I think the patella is fine. It's the other parts that worry me.

Yes, I suspect they will cut my knee open and Do Something In There. Probably take out parts of my body. They're doing that, you know. Tooth extractions, colon polyps -- you see, there's Secret Government Organization which is trying to clone me because genetic perfection is desired. They take bits and pieces so they have enough of my genetic material to insure success.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:04 PM

Well, that's half the question answered anyway. Good job, thanks. I really wish you a successful visit to the doc. If you need a damn titanium nee because you have kiboshed your patella, get 'er done in all due haste sez me!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 03:55 PM

Okay, Amos, you asked for it.

My left knee is painful and swollen. It sort of crunches when I walk and I'm walking with a hiking stick for extra support. I cannot raise my lower leg very high, it's painful getting up out of a sitting position, and I cannot (at the moment) play my trumpet with my toes.

I'm going to the doctor at 11 a.m. tomorrow and to an orthpod at 2:50 p.m. tomorrow. I hope to know more about the problem then, at least more than I do now, which is that my left knee is painful and swollen, etc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 01:24 PM

Peace:

Yeah, Rapaire has lots of good advice, but just try to get him to be forthcoming about his cranky knee or his needy crank and woddya get? Zip, is what!!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 01:21 PM

Yeah, it's easy. "At last! I snagged the 333,333rd post! I rock!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 01:09 PM

Actually, Peace, you can say it anytime you want. Watch me say similar things:

"I just got post numbe 33,333!"
"This is post number 11,111 and I got it!"
"Number 100! Ha!"
"WOOHA! Number infinity plus 1!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 12:32 PM

Unlike MMario, which is almost unpronounceable. ;>)


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM

It is quite easy to say.

It is just a sort of "ih" sound and then the 't"

like "id" only tee instead of dee


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:55 AM

WHy won't you be able to say it again?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Peace
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:35 AM

I'bve never done a 22,275 th post before. I won't be able to say that again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:30 AM

...or will you be needy, in your meeting, because of your crank?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 10:28 AM

Will you be cranky in your meeting, because of your knee?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 09:31 AM

I have to go visit the Mayor in 90 minutes. That qualifies as sitting with a loony, doesn't it? HE wasn't at the Conference yesterday so HE doesn't know about feedback. That makes me smarter than him. I'm also smarter than he is because I'm not a politician.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 11:45 PM

I have spent a weary evening trying to help a friend who has a loony mate, never an easy proposition.

I like coming back here to vent. A spot of sanity where people take responsibility for themselvesa and add humor to the world.

We really don't deserve such a nice thread.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM

I'm feeding chicken broth to a kid who is under the weather. Can't decide which end might go. . . I hate that!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 10:09 PM

Oh, Mom! I'm so sorry, but I had to attend a Leadership Conference on getting and giving feedback all afternoon at City Hall. And so I found you near the bottom. I'll do my best, I will, but Amos has to take some responsibility around here.

In the meantime, I learned about feedback. That's when you go out and feed the chickens, and some hours later you get your feed back.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM

I hate when midday comes around,
And finds our Mom full half-way down.
It makes me fret, I do confess,
About our standard of BS!
If our BS were pure and fine,
"twould penetrate the Mudcat mind
And every Mudcat name or ghost
Would come to read, and, often, post.
But 'tis not so! No, 't is not so!
She drifts adown, and well below
The middle mark of the lower half,
Hoping some soul will read and laugh.
I urge you, MOAB sons and daughters,
To save her when she starts to totter,
And seek to better your alignment,
Your nuance, quip and pure refinement
That we might welcome one and all
Into these hallowed BS halls.


Quibbly N. Deering. Chief Pathologist
Steel Creek Center for the Ambiguously Determined
Steel Creek, Manislaw, Virginia


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 01:29 PM

My sympathies, from a fellow-sufferer. Is unrequired reading as harsh a fate, say, as unrequited love? I would think it might be, especially for a solipsist who is uncompromisingly engaged int he pursuit of self-realization in all manifestations of everyone.

Should we bemoan our respective fates as Unrequired Reading? Perhaps not. It is possible that only voluntary reading can elicit genuine, emotional, mental and spiritual responser ont he part of the Reader.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 12:11 PM

That's why I've never become a famous poet and Required Reading.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 10:13 AM

I think that was not a full Alexandrine, sir, but perhaps a partial madeleine. Hard to tell in its present state.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 09:18 AM

I broke mine back in college, writing an epic pome I called "Beowulf" -- maybe you heard of it. Anyway, it got set wrong and now I write iambs in trochaic tetrameter and Alexandrines as blank verse. Here's an example of what I mean by the latter:


























See? And the doctors say it can't be fixed without affecting my Metricali Rose bone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 12:27 AM

Ow! That musta hurt!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM

No, I'm fine, darlin'--just feeling a little splixty after straining my scansion bone, as it were...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 11:25 PM

Sicty? Does that mean you had a bout of barfing after that last post?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 08:55 PM

And now to get (at last) some kicks
Hears triple-two and ten times six!!
Come forth, ye bells and trumpets loud,
And spread the news (of which I'm proud)
That by quick action, lickety-splixty
I've posted 222 and sicty!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 08:08 PM

As we are well past 22K, dear sir, you will appreciate that any posts numbered e (whose numerical value truncated to 20 decimal places is:
2.71828 18284 59045 23536...) or ¹ (3.1514...) are far behind on our dusty trail, but please feel free to go back and grab them, and none will contest you. Likewise the square root of -1, whose friends call him i is somewhere back in the historical mists of our early beginnings. But I urge you to be careful in your claimancy, here, since it may be the case that ALL our numbers are imaginary, this being the MOAB and all.

As for ° +1, do be patient and it shall be yours as soon as we reach it.

Regards,


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 06:36 PM

Amos, I would like the following numbers:

e
pi
the square root of -1
infinity plus 1

Please send them 'round as soon as possible.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM

An olde gem attributed to various English-speaking school systems, but still worth a grin:

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room
temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.



God bless us, one and all...


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 04:02 PM

Well, he didn't say he wanted it -- and after all, I gave the trick away about the "5".

But I will let him have any number he wants, if he will only say so, and will post it with impeccable timing. With all my heart, I will.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 03:52 PM

You don't want sand in your culottes. If the guys at the Legion were worried about that they must have your best interests at heart!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 03:46 PM

That's...that's alright. I'm used to it. Kicked around, rejected everywhere, why just the other night up at the Legion Hovel I was playing cards and just knew that my straight flush (Queen down) was the winning hand. I bet the farm on it, even my pants. And I was right! My flush would have won if we hadn't been playing Uno at the time. Fortunately, the other guys let me keep my pants for they knew what my wife would say if I came home pantsless...pantless...sans culottes. So I'm used to it. I'd go jump into the river and drown if it wasn't frozen and I'm probably break my ankles or at least sprain them instead. And in the summer when it's not frozen it's only a couple inches deep.

Sigh.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 02:34 PM

Amos, I thought you were going to let Rapaire have that number? You took it yourself!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 12:28 PM

Dear Dr Paire:

Thank you for your recent shipment of Idaho snow. I am sorry to say the quality control on your product was well below standard. Don't you people even know how to make reliable snow? Your shipment was entirely unable to withstand the rigprs of the targeted environment here, even in the first day of deployment. As a result it suffered a complete meltdown, and ended up running down the streets and into the flower beds completely beyond control. Your logistics system, which we asked to deliver the snow to Lake Hodges reservoir, ended up sprinkling the faulty product over half the county. As a result we received none of the expected benefits of a large snowfall. None of our citizenry are getting to shovel anything, no-one is freezing, no snowblowers have been purchased, the market in wide-bladed shovels continues to be dormant, no snowmen decorate our green lawns, and my little sister has not been pummeled with a single slushball.

I am sorry to say we cannot consider this a fulfillment of contract on your part and would request that you cancel the delivery order; Idaho needs to go back to the drawing board as far as snow is concerned, and work up a more robust design before it again enters the export market.

Sincerely yours,

A. Jessup
San Diego


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM

Let's save 22252 for Rapaire. It's just the same as 22222 except on of the 2's is upside down, and he'll never notice.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 09:45 AM

Ah, but there are hoseurs, LH, as surely as there are voyageurs, explorateurs, or even travailleurs. I am speaking to one even as I write! Do you think I am how you say delusionaire? Fie!! C'est un canard enorme.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 01:32 AM

Ah, yes, Goody Two-Shoes. She was one of the lights of Plymouth, Mass, wasn't she, back in the old days?

There are no "hoseurs", Amos! LOL! It's just unthinkable. It would be a contradiction in terms. I think you are referring, sir, to "tabernacs". A tabernac is the French Canadian equivalent of a hoser, but a tabernac is never a "hoseur".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 01:02 AM

You're living right, no doubt about it. :D



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 11:37 PM

Oh Johnny, get a life, fer Pete's Sake. I was stringing you along anyway. You are such a goody two shoes, and, really, no fun at all.

I had a much better time going to dinner with Dani and splitting a bottle of bubbly to celebrate my pending elevation from the cesspool to the basement of financial security (Mastercard and Visa will again be pleased), than I would have had with you anyway.

I only regret that we drove to town instead of walked. Then we could have finished the evening at the Blue Bayou, listening to Cool John Ferguson


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 11:24 PM

Rapaire, as Larry the Cable Guy says (I think he may be one of the legionaires), Get 'er done!

Then you'll be all healed up for the Dublin trip.

Not that you deserve it. I think you should stay home and give the ticket to me. Pat and I would have a grand time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:18 PM

Well, it better work out or you'll be casting curses and cursing casters in the same breath; which will hoist you by your own petard, coming and going.

Anyway, I wish you luck; I bet that titanium substitute would get you to Dublin, and get your health costs to doublin'. Ya gotta wonder who's runnin' this joint, anyway?



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:06 PM

Rapaire, you stop that skin business, and don't give me any of your lip, either. See what you've done!!! You're making Janie wobble her lower lip and sniff!!! Back off, dude, and take that pseudopodal hand-puppet Prom Boy Johnny with you. You can have 33333, if you are good. If you're not you my find the head of a giant squid gracing the foot of your bed some morning.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:02 PM

Well, hell, Amos. If Yellowstone pops the snow'll melt.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Johnny
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:00 PM

Oh, Janie! Why did you do it? And just before I was to get my Eagle Scout badge, too. There we were, dancing the last dance, cheek to cheek, me wearing my white sport coat and a pink carnation and you in your strapless prom dress, when all of your skin fell off.

Now I am a broken shell, a ne'er-do-well writing hack speeches for Republican candidates, living in San Diego with all the other hacks, drinking Wild Irish Rose wine and consorting with politicians.

And we could have been so happy together!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:47 PM

Mommmmmmmeeeeeeee....MAKE 'EM STOP!   Rapaire and Little Hawk are being mean to me - don't listen to them, Mom, Rapaire DID TO start it, and I wouldn't have kicked him in his bum knee if he had just left me alone....and Little Hawk's makin' fun of me (sniff-snort-hiccup) - he called - called me- sniff - well anyway - I don't know what youth means in Canuck -but I'll betcha the English translation is a bad word. I think you should wash his mouth out with soap.

Amos tried to stick up for me, but they wouldn't listen.   I don't think they should get any of that jello salad you promised we could have before bedtime tonight.







I thought Johnny would have called by now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM

What about tomorrow, Mag? Rapaire, if you need surgery, get them to slip a titanium knee joint in there for you. A few weeks from now you'll feel like a new man.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:25 PM

First I want to find out what's wrong with it. And yes, I kinda expect surgery; I'd give it a 75% chance. I can feel things move inside the joint when I do crazy, wild things like walk or climb stairs or get up. What concerns ME is that we have tickets to fly to Dublin on May 18 and back on June 1. Fortunately, Pat took out trip insurance and she can always go without me (a couple of friends are also going.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 09:15 PM

There is a tune running around in my head this evening. From Annie.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow. . .



Do you think you'll need surgery on the knee, Rap?


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