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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 17 Sep 06 - 08:37 PM
Bunnahabhain 17 Sep 06 - 04:07 PM
Acme 17 Sep 06 - 02:01 PM
Rapparee 17 Sep 06 - 10:25 AM
Acme 17 Sep 06 - 01:39 AM
Acme 16 Sep 06 - 04:34 PM
Rapparee 16 Sep 06 - 12:12 PM
Bunnahabhain 16 Sep 06 - 08:43 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 10:59 PM
Acme 15 Sep 06 - 04:50 PM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 04:42 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:48 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:47 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:46 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:45 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:42 PM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 03:40 PM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 03:36 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 03:35 PM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 12:39 PM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 12:34 PM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 12:17 PM
Acme 15 Sep 06 - 12:08 PM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 11:23 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 11:19 AM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 11:00 AM
MMario 15 Sep 06 - 10:10 AM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 10:08 AM
Rapparee 15 Sep 06 - 09:10 AM
Amos 15 Sep 06 - 12:35 AM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:44 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:40 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:39 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:37 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 11:33 PM
Amos 14 Sep 06 - 10:25 PM
Rapparee 14 Sep 06 - 10:08 PM
Amos 14 Sep 06 - 10:05 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 10:02 PM
Acme 14 Sep 06 - 09:30 PM
Amos 14 Sep 06 - 06:55 PM
Rapparee 14 Sep 06 - 06:26 PM
Amos 14 Sep 06 - 05:51 PM
Rapparee 14 Sep 06 - 03:59 PM
Amos 14 Sep 06 - 03:34 PM
Rapparee 14 Sep 06 - 01:42 PM
Rapparee 14 Sep 06 - 12:26 PM
Amos 14 Sep 06 - 12:17 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 08:37 PM

Nope, when I'm Pope I'm gonna model my papacy after that of my papal hero, Alexander VI.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 04:07 PM

Nope, just act all mad and such like, you know, just have few beers, say what's on your mind, and sit back and watch the fuss.

Or did you mean a 17th century english author....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 02:01 PM

Will you wear a beenie?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 10:25 AM

Boy oh boy, Mom, that Stilly sure stays up late. Why can't I stay up late? How come I have to go to bed immediately after dinner, huh? I'll bet it's not because I'm nasty and mean and you want to get rid of me, like Amos says. I'll bet it's because my prayers take so long to say, what with me praying for all those people. Yeah, I'll bet it's because I'm so good and holy and Amos and Stilly and everybody else ain't, that's what I'll bet.

Someday I'll be Pope or something and they'll all be sorry.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Sep 06 - 01:39 AM

Mom, I'd like it to rain here tomorrow, but ask Amos to keep his hurricane at his house if it gets that far north. I want a gentle rain, not something that blows the roof off.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 04:34 PM

Hey, Mom, go take a look at the article I posted today on my "I read it in the newspaper" thread. That nurse has a good outlook on life, all things considered!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 12:12 PM

Ain't no nooky like Chinooky, said the salmon.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 16 Sep 06 - 08:43 AM

Has the whole world stopped making sense for everyone, or is it jusy me?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 10:59 PM

HO? Who you callin' HO? I'm O gauge, buddy, and don't you fergit it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 04:50 PM

If you'd take your hands off the keyboard, the hands on your throat might loosen a little. Just a suggestion. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 04:42 PM

Lionel get you nowhere, you H-O monger, you.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:48 PM

"Sick train set.......awk, cough"...........


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:47 PM

And the model train club here................awck! Hands...throat....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:46 PM

Part of the local church needed repairs and when the same anchorwoman asked the why of the problem and the when of the fix, the kindly old pastor replied, "Sick transept, Gloria. Monday."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:45 PM

Then there was the time that the local bus service had to shut down for maintenance after a busy weekend. When a local tv anchorwoman asked about it, the head of the bus services replied "Sick transit, Glory -- Monday."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:42 PM

Gloria Monday was the "Girl Friday" for a surveyor's office. One day one of the surveyors came in early from surveying. Gloria asked what was wrong, and the surveyor replied "Sick transit, Gloria Monday."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:40 PM

yup - those new england girls are frugal.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:36 PM

Fie, fie, MM, you hard-core humanist! Finally, have you no respect? The ladies of your imaginations, or of your own miscreant hijinks, are nto the stuff of which our Emily should be formed by pusillanimous projection! Not our Emily!! She was a REAL Lady!!.

Which reminds me of the Suffolk gal who went in to the doctor's because she had a bite-wound on her arm.

"Hmmm," says the doctor. "This is a bit of a strange thing. It's much too small for a horse's bite, and a bit wrongly-shaped for a dog or fox..."

"Aowww, suh!" responds the sufferer. "Hit warn't no ANI-mule! Hit were ANOTHER LYDIE!"

Sic transit gloria and suzy too.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 03:35 PM

Get thee to some bordello more suiting your fevered, shrunken brain.

Well now, that's were I met Emmy. I was playing trumpet with the Salvation Army band and the "girls" invited us in for tea and cookies because it was quite cold and wet outside that night. We managed to "save" Emmy from the bordello, but that was all we saved her from.

You see, she was going to tread the Primrose Path but our little group brought her to her senses before she had done much more than vaguely discuss the job with the Madam (who didn't want her anyway -- Emmy would have been nothing but trouble, considering who her father was and all).

Besides, she had a much better time on her own and got to keep all the money.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:39 PM

well now - Amos, those repressed New England women, well, you know how they can get when they move out of Daddy's place.   It's not so much a defamation of character as a fact of life.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:34 PM

In your dreams, sword-boy!!

I am not going to stand mutely by while you defame the character of a lady.

If she was hospitable, it was surely not in the way your innuendo implies, you cad, you bounder, you scoundrel. Fortunately she is a bright light, against which no shadowy aspersions from idle tongues and decadent minds can last, pure as the sunlight and the fresh morning air. Go to, you are a simple villain. Get thee to some bordello more suiting your fevered, shrunken brain.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:17 PM

gee - y'know - back in the old days MOM didn't need help over the hurdles - she just went over them like they weren't even there. But she still does a pretty good steeplchase, doesn't she?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:08 PM

Mmario, it seemed important to help MOM over that hurdle before one of our professional bean counters decided to knock it off as a trophy. Next time stay up late and you can do the job.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 11:23 AM

Rollin' on, rollin' on,
Rollin' on to fifteen kay,
Rollin' on, our dear old MOAB,
Rollin' on -- do not say "Nay!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 11:19 AM

Emmy (as we called her) Dickinson was hardly the "lady" Amos imagines. Sure, she kept up a good front -- daughter of a lawyer who was the treasurer of Amherst and a Congressman and all -- but BOY! could she knock back the drinks! And those white dresses VERY naughty lingerie indeed. One night at the Pi Kappa house she...no, I can't tell about that. Let's just say that she was a very hospitable woman.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 11:00 AM

"'T was a cold autumn evening
And the Catters were leaving
With visions of beer in their heads
And the traffic declined
In the Collective Mind
And Joe Offer set to closing the threads.
Then a Gentleman dapper
Came back from the crapper
Sat down at his keyboard and said:
"Oh Catters, unkind,
Turn away not your minds!
Just think of your MOAB instead!:"

Cho:

There will always be a MOAB
To put your worries to bed
A place to confess
All the piles of BS
That have cluttered your poor spinning head !

There will always be a MOAB,
To comfort when you are annoyed;
So Folks, be not mean
Leave this thread on the screeeeeen!
And don't let it fall into the void!


A reprise of noble sentiments formed long ago when MOAB was young.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 10:10 AM

hey! when did we go over 14,000? I missed it!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 10:08 AM

It is clear to me that Rapaire's time is spent Handeling pee, while Emily's was spent Shellying peas. I am sure Emily would never have written about pee -- she had no knowledge of it! You don't think a lady of such grace and restraint would actually pee, do you? Of course not!! This is a projection on Rapaire's part.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 09:10 AM

Actually, that first poem was changed by her editor. Here's what Emmy originally wrote. (This is true, because she gave me the original one night when we were sitting around the Fowled Anchor, drinking hot buttered rum and bellowing out ribald songs.)

DIRTY clothes a flavor has
That lawful orchards mocks;
How awful when you find that pee
Has soaked the dirty socks!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 12:35 AM

That Stilly River, honored sage
A woman is for any age
An eye as keen as shattering shards
That glisten on the morning yard
And womanly large of mind and heart
And every other certain part,
For who but one of such a hand
Could heave us all past fourteen grand?
Yet now, at fourteen thousand one,
'T is plain to see, the act is done!
And gaze and wonder many now,
For only Stilly's shimmering brow
Was here to see us all to gain it!
No other prowess can explain it.
The prize is hers by any laws
And hers by rights the due applause
And as the night from dawn is ghosting
We thank her for such valiant posting!

Tater De Maillion Angst, Jr.
On Wings of Guppies Flying
Paris Review, May, 1929


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:44 PM

Okay, they're all Emily's poems, not mine. But I had a beer this evening and was feeling cheerfully interested in the subject and they hit the spot. So to speak. :)

VI.

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemen's land.

If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM

Or this gem:

V.

SURRENDER.

Doubt me, my dim companion!
Why, God would be content
With but a fraction of the love
Poured thee without a stint.
The whole of me, forever,
What more the woman can, —
Say quick, that I may dower thee
With last delight I own!

It cannot be my spirit,
For that was thine before;
I ceded all of dust I knew, —
What opulence the more
Had I, a humble maiden,
Whose farthest of degree
Was that she might,
Some distant heaven,
Dwell timidly with thee!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:42 PM

I. LIFE

I.

'T IS little I could care for pearls
Who own the ample sea;
Or brooches, when the Emperor
With rubies pelteth me; -
Or gold, who am the Prince of Mines;
Or diamonds, when I see
A diadem to fit a dome
Continual crowning me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:40 PM

Or this one:

V. -

HEAVEN is what I cannot reach!
The apple on the tree,
Provided it do hopeless hang,
That "heaven" is, to me.


For someone who live such an isolated life, she sure made the most of the emotions within!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:39 PM

She has a few others that are mighty tasty on the same page. Thus:

III.

HOPE is a subtle glutton;
He feeds upon the fair;
And yet, inspected closely,
What abstinence is there! -
His is the halcyon table
That never seats but one,
And whatsoever is consumed
The same amounts remain.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:37 PM

This one is pretty good also, by our American friend Emily:

IV.
FORBIDDEN fruit a flavor has
That lawful orchards mocks;
How luscious lies the pea within
The pod that Duty locks!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 11:33 PM

That card wouldn't cover much, so I'm sure it wouldn't be much of a photo.

I sent a response to that Narcissis thread that was just packed with erotic imagery, if he knows his ancient literature. A fun game, especially when played at great distance!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 10:25 PM

Adieu, Chere Maman. I am offf to the woods of high Eastern Escondido to spend the weekend with a bunch of burly men-types beating on tambourines and getting in touch with their Inner Shmucks. Should be interesting. I think I know where my Inner Shmuck is--probably right where I left him just after that Gibson feller got excommunicated. Anyway I am sure I can find him, and he'd probably appreciate my checking in and asking after him, maybe asking him out to dance among the bears or some such. See ya Sunday, ok, Mom? Don't leave the light on -- I will be carrying a bear-fat torch when I come down the mountain. Or maybe painter-fat, huh?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 10:08 PM

Mailing was delayed. They'll go out tomorrow.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 10:05 PM

Would be inappropriate to ask for a picture of you wearing the birthday card?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 10:02 PM

Can't make heads nor tails of what Thomas the Rhymer is doing on his new thread, but I whipped out a few big names and arranged them artfully.

Anyone else paying attention to the time? And darn it, no shirt today, only a belated birthday card.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 09:30 PM

Sam Hinton has a song about that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 06:55 PM

Either way, leaving yer thumb in there is not conducive to well-being.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 06:26 PM

Well, you kin dally er you kin tie off hard and fast.

It all depends on yer raisin', I guess.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 05:51 PM

By the passing of my thumb,
Thumb thing wicked this way comes.
Dally not, to yell and shout,
In due course, 't will all come out.

But til the call of Judgement morn,
Gonna keep this dally 'round this horn,
'Cuz there never was no hero born
Who'd stoop to hollerin' "Nuff".

Badger Clark, High-Chin Bob



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 03:59 PM

Dally man got his thumb caught atween the rope and the horn, the cow come up short, and off goes the thumb! Straight up into the air, and the dog caught and swallered it.

Took the guy to the doc, explained what happened, and the doc asked, "Well, if I have the thumb I mighta been able to sew it back on. Why didn't you shoot the dog?"

Dally man answered, "Shoot the dog! He's the best one we got!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 03:34 PM

WHy thet low-down double-crossing no-good flea-bitten divil-crossed lousy good-fer-nothin' two-timin' snake-bellied two-bit croos-eyed coot of a lame-brain greenhorned sunovabitch!! Shoulda shot 'im!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 01:42 PM

Well, out here in the West dogs are our bestest friends. Wallace McRae knows this, like all good Westerners do, and he writ a poem 'bout his dog. It's kinda like when Timmie fell down a well and Lassie...well, you know. This here poem kinda brings a tear to eyes of us folks out here.....

Old Bluffer         

I've long had to suffer you boys cussin' old Bluffer;
Good a pup as a feller could own.
But let me tell you a story that's both grim and gory
When that cow dog's true colors was shown.
Once old Bluffer'n me is rawhidin' you see
Fer a cow that is shellv and old.
She's twelve years past her youth 'n ain't got a tooth
In her head and she can't fake the cold.
She's lousy as well so this last arctic spell
Will for sure turn her titty-side up.
So we're pokin' around, searchin', coverin' ground,
Me, my hoss and old Bluffer, my pup.
As we're sicklin' along, I'm humrnin' some song
Then my hoss hits a hole hid by snow.
There's no time to get loose. I swaller my snoose.
Somethin' pops when we land and I know
That for sure a leg's been smashed like some egg.
But whose leg? My horse's or mine?
Then I guess I passed out.
Comin' to--ain't no doubt. Pony's gone.
I'm alone. Then a whine
From old Bluffer, my pard, who's been there standin' guard
And I'm thankful that I ain't alone.
Well old Bluff licks my chin 'n wags me a grin
Then I move and I stifle a moan.
I'm gittin' cold and I quiver. The pain sends a shiver
And I pass out again for a spell.
When I come up for air that good dog is still there
But my future looks shorter than hell.
As the waves of pain rage, I tear out a page
From my faithful old worn tally book,
And I carefully write a note of my plight
And location where searchers should look.
With my wild rag I waller old Bluffer a collar
And I carefully tie on my note.
I don't give him no choice.
In my no-nonsense voice "Bluffl Go home!"
Said with tears in my throat.
Can you guess the rest of old Bluff s hero test?
Well sir, you can all see I ain't dead,
But I find myself wishin' I could shed this suspicion
I got rollin' round in my head.
When them boys cut my track,'n brought me on back
Almost out of sight they found Bluffer
Right there by the trail a-waggin' his tail
Curled up, restin', watchin' me suffer.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 12:26 PM

Hell, Amos. Dogs are better company than 'most any politician. 'Course, a rabid skunk is also better....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 12:17 PM

Dogs are a fine addition to the species tree, and I think the world's a bette rplace for them being in it, and it is for sartin sho' they are better company than Republicans.

A


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