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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Bee-dubya-ell 03 Apr 05 - 10:48 PM
GUEST,Vincent T.Gaugin 03 Apr 05 - 09:19 PM
Rapparee 03 Apr 05 - 05:06 PM
GUEST,T.Salvadore Renoir 03 Apr 05 - 03:59 PM
Amos 03 Apr 05 - 03:28 PM
Rapparee 03 Apr 05 - 07:55 AM
Amos 02 Apr 05 - 02:29 PM
Amos 02 Apr 05 - 12:13 PM
Rustic Rebel 02 Apr 05 - 04:01 AM
Acme 02 Apr 05 - 12:35 AM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 07:35 PM
Acme 01 Apr 05 - 06:25 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Apr 05 - 06:21 PM
Acme 01 Apr 05 - 06:00 PM
Layah 01 Apr 05 - 05:51 PM
GUEST 01 Apr 05 - 03:01 PM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 02:54 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 01 Apr 05 - 02:52 PM
Amos 01 Apr 05 - 01:14 PM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 01:11 PM
GUEST,Chuckles 01 Apr 05 - 12:59 PM
Amos 01 Apr 05 - 12:41 PM
Acme 01 Apr 05 - 12:23 PM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 12:08 PM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 11:05 AM
GUEST,Amos 01 Apr 05 - 10:50 AM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 09:29 AM
Amos 01 Apr 05 - 09:25 AM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 09:16 AM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 09:12 AM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 09:10 AM
GUEST,MMario 01 Apr 05 - 09:00 AM
Rapparee 01 Apr 05 - 08:54 AM
Layah 01 Apr 05 - 07:18 AM
Bunnahabhain 01 Apr 05 - 05:12 AM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 08:37 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Mar 05 - 07:27 PM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 06:03 PM
Rapparee 31 Mar 05 - 03:49 PM
rumanci 31 Mar 05 - 02:46 PM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 02:41 PM
Acme 31 Mar 05 - 02:30 PM
GUEST,MMario 31 Mar 05 - 02:27 PM
GUEST,MMario 31 Mar 05 - 02:26 PM
rumanci 31 Mar 05 - 02:20 PM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 02:14 PM
Bill D 31 Mar 05 - 11:05 AM
Acme 31 Mar 05 - 10:41 AM
Amos 31 Mar 05 - 10:28 AM
Rapparee 31 Mar 05 - 08:51 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 10:48 PM

It is now Daylight Saving Time and I have managed to waste the first hour of extra daylight by sleeping through it. I had a headache and decided to take a brief power nap and next thing I knew, it was dark! I feel I should apologize, but I don't know to whom. All those people turned their clocks back an hour so I could experience the miracle of being fooled into thinking I was watching the sun set an entire hour later than it did yesterday and I blew it! And, to top it all off, I still have the damned headache.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Vincent T.Gaugin
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 09:19 PM

David Gergen frowned at the lather on his razorblade. He hopped down from his perch and began to search his trouser pockets hastily.

"Good grief," he cried thickly.

He came over to the gunrest and, thrusting a hand into Bert's upper pocket, said:

"Lend us a loan of your noserag to wipe my razor."

Bert suffered him to pull out and hold up on show by its corner a dirty crumpled handkerchief. David Gergen wiped the razorblade neatly. Then, gazing over the handkerchief, he said:

"The bard's noserag. A new art color for our Irish poets: snot green. You can almost taste it, can't you?"

He mounted to the parapet again and gazed out over Dublin bay, his fair oakpale hair stirring slightly.

"God," he said quietly. Isn't the sea what Algy calls it: a grey sweet mother? The snot green sea. The scrotum tightening sea. Epi oinopa ponton. Ah, Convy, the Greeks. I must teach you. You must read them in the original. Thalatta! Thalatta! She is our great sweet mother. Come and look."

Bert stood up and went over to the parapet. Leaning on it he looked down on the water and on the mailboat clearing the harbor mouth of Kingstown.

"Our mighty mother," David Gergen said.


And you all know where this came from I reckon. Joyce could see a hundred years into the future and into Holy MOAB. A man of incredible vision for being as blind as he was. Hmmm....well yaz..., that's as astute as you'll ever find me. The tide's going out and my cone is deflatting considerbley.....

Tweed (formerly the Artist known as Renoir McSweeney)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 05:06 PM

That's 'cause Rapaire has had a cold for the last 10 days. And he never washes his hands because to do would remove the lovely patina that protects him from germs and viruses.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,T.Salvadore Renoir
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 03:59 PM

We are the onliest sane ones, Amos. I still habv my wits due to the cable being messed up and habv not watched the tube in three weeks. I am getting this wierd feeling like mebbe I don't need to know what the hell is going on everwhar at once!

Yaz, get the net, thet is not right thingking at all....o, well.

Rapaire's hands are full obv snot. Now that IS newsworthy!!

Yores,
T.Salvadore Renoir
K.O.T.R.Obv.T.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 03:28 PM

Criminy -- we have a major asshole running the country, we are battling Shiites, Sunni, and other strange tribal clumps in hot battle, the nation dances on the bedside of vegetables, and we have a dearth of BS????? I don't THINK so!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 07:55 AM

Do not fall, dear Mother,
'Tho others help thee not!
I am here to catch thee
'Tho my hands be full of snot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Apr 05 - 02:29 PM

Lo, she staggers, but will not fall,
Tho' swords and backs are pressed t'th wall
We'll stand until the final post
And stand still for dear MOAB's ghost.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Apr 05 - 12:13 PM

There once was a lepton, all graceful and fair
Who fell for a quark full of charm
She gave herself to him, though she couldn't tell where
But the next day she learned, in alarm

No phase at all, no phase at all
She'd married a quark who had no phase at all
Worse than a bull with a Moebius ball
Is to wed to a particle with no phase at all.

She tried hard to cure him with rhythmic tunes
And by making him focus on the change of the moon
And he tried hard all day, but by the nightfall
The bugger still proved ha had no phase at all

No phase at all, no phase at all
She'd married a quark who had no phase at all
Worse than a bull with a Moebius ball
Is to wed to a particle with no phase at all.

The lepton kept striving for a couple of years
Her days full of hope, and her nights torn to tears
Drum lessons, and metronomes, quite useless did fall
On the ears of a quark who had no phase at all.

No phase at all, no phase at all
She'd married a quark who had no phase at all
Worse than a bull with a Moebius ball
Is to wed to a particle with no phase at all.

She finally decided, that poor little lass
That this life would soon turn her to drinking and mass
She could not endure it, neither future nor past
So she hooked up to an electron, and got away fast.

No phase at all, no phase at all
She'd married a quark who had no phase at all
Worse than a bull with a Moebius ball
Is to wed to a particle with no phase at all.

So all you new particles, born out of space
As you wiggle your charms, and put glow on your face
Remember the lepton, who came to a fall
By wedding a quark who had no phase at all.

No phase at all, no phase at all
She'd married a quark who had no phase at all
Worse than a bull with a Moebius ball
Is to wed to a particle with no phase at all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 02 Apr 05 - 04:01 AM

don't forget, bongo player shit.

It has come to my alertness, given the present state of an inactive mind that pretends alertness, that everything is an=a energy particle of an inactive piece of cow turd.
It really doesn't matter if the cow turd is black or white because generally it is brown, anyway.
Now where was I?........
I think I was saying
Bongo Players are affiliated with the repeating notion that the whiter shade of black can be glimpsed with a respect that all bongo players play with their drums better when the moon is at half phase than at no phase at all...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Apr 05 - 12:35 AM

That type does. And decorator shapes, also. "Dung beetle sphere" is very popular. A well-shaped case-hardened ball of shit, taking it's shape from the joint activity of insect mandible manipulation and rolling for yards and yards until it can be shoved into the beetle's, er, um, hole. Nest. Something to do with the underground. Out of sight. I just realized I don't know where the beetle puts the darned ball of dung. Shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 07:35 PM

BS comes in decorator colors?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 06:25 PM

Would you prefer those pellets to be baby-shit-yellow or baby-shit-green?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 06:21 PM

Baby shit is only cute to those who have never changed a diarrheal diaper. Kids should be required to shit nice firm little pellets like rabbits. (There's another omission from the BS list: "Bunny Shit".) Then instead of diapers they could just wear a little collection bag and you could dump it in the flowe bed at the end of the day.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 06:00 PM

NPR came up with a colossal batch of BS today on All Things Considered: New England Suffers Maple Woes. The page says the audio for this story will be available later this evening.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Layah
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 05:51 PM

And baby shit. "Awww, look at the cute wittle baby shit"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 03:01 PM

you forgot:

Bengal Shit
Budgie Shit
Bass shit
boogeyman shit
belgian shit
bavarian shit
bellarussian shit
barbados shit
bengali shit
benini shit
bolivian shit
bosnian shit
botswana shit
burmese shit
burundi shit
bulgarian shit
belizian shit


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 02:54 PM

Announcement by Opera, the Good Browser people:

http://www.opera.com/pressreleases/en/2005/04/01/index.dml


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 02:52 PM

It has occurred to me that throughout the history of the MOAB, we have equated the term "BS" with "Bull Shit". While there can be little doubt that the "S" does, indeed, represent "Shit", the "B" may, in fact, represent a number of shit-sources.

So, if you ever feel that your post doesn't quite measure up to "Bull Shit", please feel free to choose an appropriate "BS" from the following list:

Buffalo Shit
Bison Shit
Bullmoose Shit
Bird Shit
Butterfly Shit
Beetle Shit
Badger Shit
Bat Shit
Buzzard Shit
Boa Constrictor Shit
Bonobo Shit
Burro Shit
Bandicoot Shit
Boar Shit
Bear Shit
Bigfoot Shit
Beluga Shit
Beaver Shit
Bacteria Shit
Barnacle Shit
Beagle Shit
Basenji Shit
Basset Hound Shit
Bug Shit
Bedbug Shit
Bee Shit
Bloodhound Shit
Brontosaurus Shit
Buck Shit
Bulldog Shit


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 01:14 PM

You talk good, Mister Big Eetee. But when did you step up and offer us a goddamned choice, huh???


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 01:11 PM

Chuckles - I believe you have run across our secret weapon defense systems. MOM (Microbial Offense (Militia) - a unicellurlar branch of the Idaho League.

freds, ralphs, martians or Vegans - they never see MOM coming.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chuckles
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:59 PM

What sort of place is this? Now I am experiencing a much warmer than normal metabolic temperature, my olfactory organ is secreting a greenish mucus, and my corporeal parts are aching. I am also forceably expelling air and mucus droplets in spasms of muscular contraction. There is also reverse peristalsis. My dendrial mycotes are drooping!

And you people choose to LIVE here???


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:41 PM

THAT's what I'm talking about, Miss Sage!! Yas'm!!!! Dining al fresco on the patio while browsing the Journal of American Antipathy and other scholarly collections. Rapaire, you takin' notes?!!!

I love the philosophical insight, Rapaire -- when one window opens, another closes, or whatever. It's like, like, ya know?

Happy 4-1.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:23 PM

I'm so glad that I can pass along some wonderful news regarding improvements in a U.S. library, and hope the progress will spread. Rapaire, be sure to note the coffee bar expansion story. I think we'll go ahead with that one at my university library. This is the kind of stuff that makes the MOAB so great!

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 12:08 PM

Give it up, Amos. Let it go. You'll be better for it. Tomorrow is another day. When one window closes another opens. Let the dead past bury its dead. Remember to put the seat down. Look both ways before crossing. Don't play in traffic. Stop, drop, and roll. Never run with scissors. Wear your rubbers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 11:05 AM

it's a sickness. called money. the root of all evil - and sometimes of BS.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Amos
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 10:50 AM

And you will of course be there, to help them!! What better job could there be than to provide help to an endless line of slavering ineptitude, woebegone catastrophes in shoes, accidents that stopped waiting to happen, dumbkopfs disguised as staff members, users of many substances, the lost, bewildered and confused, the unable and the staggering many? Broad shoulders indeed, for such an Augean task!! All praise to thee, helper of many a fool!!

I -- on the other hand -- help no-one, earn no pay, and produce nothing! I do cook hamburgers for my bride when she comes home from the office, though.1

Yet, I strive to find some role where I will be as burdened with responsibility as you are. Why is this??? **bg**




A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:29 AM

would that I were kidding, Amos. The dastard actually has done this! (posted the stuff - the voice recognition bit is of course BS - in honour of the day. But the bloody idjits trying to use it will call the helpdesk!!!!!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:25 AM

That is an inspiring public safety message indeed Rap. I hope you provided MM with condoms.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:16 AM

MMario, I wouldn't have any idea. My days are counted as "Do I have to go to work today or not?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:12 AM

rap - what is today's date?

the problem is - most of the users of the machine won't remember either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:10 AM

Commands like

"i have to be very careful what i say or i could accidentlly DELETE this very important FILE"???

And what does the software do to cope with dialects? And aren't secretaries there to type up stuff, not just read it into a machine? Why can't the higher-ups read their own stuff into the machine and let the secretaries get on with important work, like keeping the butts of the higher-ups out of jail?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 09:00 AM

[whinge mode ON]
This would be funny if I weren't manning the help-desk.

One of the supervisors has posted two pages of instructions over the shared document processing center - regarding the new voice recognition software installed so that the secretaries can use voice commands to process their documents.

Diabolically he has included "passwords" and "code words" and the comments that it may take the voice recognition software a few attempts to recognize new voices or voices after a change in personnel.


AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!



I hate this day.

incredibly stupid formating mistake corrected - joeclone


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 08:54 AM

I'M going to start a campaign to make folks practice Safe BS.

Layah's right.

Consider these cases:

* Little Cappy Jenks was just 3 years old when he toddled into the living room of his middle-class suburban home in a middle-class suburb of Nagodaches. His father was drinking beer with two friends and his brother-in-law; poor Cappy was struck by the flying BS. He's now a best-selling author.

* Laura was a cute kid: perky, pretty, smart, and always ready to help. One day she encountered a pervert and was taught to read; she was hooked and now she's given her body to a Major Politician and is living a degraded and disgusting existence in Washington, DC.

These are only two from the thousand in our files.

Unsafe BS practices cost the world billions each year:

* In 2003, Turkey spent over 3,000,000,000 Turkish Lira on BS-related diseases, money that could have been better spent on small arms.

* During 2004 -- just last year! -- the United Kingdom and the United States spent uncounted billions just for "Prime" ministers and "Chief Executives."

* From 1990 to 1999, the Southern Hemisphere alone did NO research on the dangers of BS, doubling that done by the Northern Hemisphere.

Won't you help? Send your contribution to Layah, and I beg you, PLEASE follow these simple rules of Safe BS:

1. Always use a condom.
2. Treat every BS as if it were loaded until you personally have proven otherwise.
3. Keep BS chained up when it's not in use.
4. Put "Mr. Yuck" stickers on EVERYTHING.
5. Remember, you can never tell!
6. Walk your post in a military manner, keeping always on the alert and allowing no one to pass without proper authority.
7. Read everything!
8. Wash your hands for at least 20 seconds after going to the bathroom.
9. Thou shalt not commit.
10. Memorize all the unwritten rules.

If you will follow these simple, common-sense, rules we can beat this thing -- together!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Layah
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 07:18 AM

If google's read our verse and is still giving us poetry competitions I'll be very dissapointed. I thought Google ads were more intelligent than that.

Accidental BS kills thousands of people a year. It's not something to be taken lightly, and I certainly wouldn't go making jokes about it. It's a serious matter, and one that isn't talked about often enough. Accidental BS is a serious problem in this country, and yet not many people acknowledge it, much less actually try to stop it's spread. That's why I'm starting the save the BS campaign. What can you do to help? You can start up a campaign in your own neighborhood. Or better yet just send me a check, and your conscience can be clear that you've done what you could to stop this horrendous massacre.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 01 Apr 05 - 05:12 AM

Is there a distinction between intentional BS, such as MOAB, and the accidental BS, freely generated on many subjects, by many people, without them even realising or trying?

Or is trying to determine the nature of BS a waste of time. And why is google giving us poetry competitions as what we want? Has it read our verse?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:37 PM

Oh, I know, I know. I hasve been there and still wear the Appaloosa tee shirt. Thanks, BWL!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 07:27 PM

Amos, Amos, Amos...

We are, in fact, being extremely polite by not commenting upon your doggerel. You see, when one sets out to imitate shit, one cannot expect to receive lauds if one is successful. Shit's like that. No matter how successful you are at creating it, in the end you still have shit. It is testimony to the quality of the shit you have created that we have merely let it lie without comment instead of saying, "My God, Amos! It's shit!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 06:03 PM

Thanks, Rapaire, and all; I feel really understood! LOL!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 03:49 PM

I am always in awe of you, Amos. Indeed, you fill me with awe. In fact, I think you're awful.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: rumanci
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:46 PM

Ode 'Ere
I asked for that
Thankyou
:-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:41 PM

A verse to them is like a year to me
Merely a breath in the passing waves of fancy;
Averse to them, well, that seems strange to me,
A rhyme in time is like a smile, Rumanci!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:30 PM

Yeah, Amos, if I could write such bad poetry and create such foppish names I'd happily step up to bat!

;->


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:27 PM

seriously - they *do* fill me with awe - and jealousy. Would that I could...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:26 PM

no - Amos - it's just that your talent strikes awe into our hearts.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: rumanci
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:20 PM

maybe we're all averse to them ??


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 02:14 PM

Every time I invent a new dead poet of mythically simpering style and colossal patsiness, it just gets ignored. These are some of the best poor poets you will see -- more subtle in their mediocrity than McGonagle, more flat-footed and brutish in the clinch than Edgar A. Guest. Yet not a word!! Why is this?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 11:05 AM

*puff puff*...just back from following Rapaire's instructions......You would not believe how narrow minded my neighbor are! Luckily, the cops didn't even believe them, and I was safely back in my house before they arrived.

I think I'll go back to that dark room part........


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 10:41 AM

I had to caution MMario about promoting our exemplary brand of BS over on some of those others lists. A considerable amount of the BS that is landing on those censorship lists is downright rancid. I've never found the true cow variety to be unpleasant.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 10:28 AM

Speak not to me of cow pats, now I pray,
For on them there is little worth to say
And cowpats, laud them how you may
Never outgrow their origins and stay
Where they are landed, caring not and without form;
Listless and odiferous is the cow-pat norm.

Oh, no--enough of cowpats without cess!
I'd rather spend my hours on B.S.
Golden in variety and magic in its reach,
Leave cowpats behind, smelling each to each,
Go forth, mend up your manners and your dress,
And give the world its worth in pure BS.

Giles Shamrock Arlington
A Pastoral Repast in Rhyme
Brown, Wett, Dung and Company
Edinboro, 1913


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 08:51 AM

'Nother thing. I dunno how the folks up in Bovill could tell about them cow pats, seein's as how the whole dang town is pretty much a big ol' cow pat.


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