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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

catspaw49 09 Dec 04 - 05:38 PM
Little Hawk 09 Dec 04 - 05:14 PM
Rapparee 09 Dec 04 - 12:45 PM
MMario 09 Dec 04 - 12:37 PM
GUEST,Filterman 09 Dec 04 - 12:34 PM
catspaw49 09 Dec 04 - 12:06 PM
Rapparee 09 Dec 04 - 11:52 AM
Amos 09 Dec 04 - 09:05 AM
Rustic Rebel 09 Dec 04 - 01:40 AM
Acme 09 Dec 04 - 12:31 AM
Acme 08 Dec 04 - 07:14 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Dec 04 - 06:48 PM
Little Hawk 08 Dec 04 - 04:40 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Dec 04 - 11:19 AM
Little Hawk 08 Dec 04 - 10:56 AM
Rapparee 08 Dec 04 - 09:20 AM
Amos 08 Dec 04 - 08:10 AM
Rustic Rebel 08 Dec 04 - 03:44 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 08 Dec 04 - 12:46 AM
Acme 07 Dec 04 - 11:57 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Dec 04 - 09:24 PM
Little Hawk 07 Dec 04 - 06:55 PM
Acme 07 Dec 04 - 06:09 PM
Little Hawk 07 Dec 04 - 05:55 PM
Rapparee 07 Dec 04 - 10:44 AM
Amos 06 Dec 04 - 07:37 PM
Rapparee 06 Dec 04 - 01:33 PM
Rustic Rebel 06 Dec 04 - 01:11 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Dec 04 - 10:22 PM
Rustic Rebel 05 Dec 04 - 10:14 PM
Rapparee 05 Dec 04 - 10:01 PM
Rustic Rebel 05 Dec 04 - 09:48 PM
Rapparee 05 Dec 04 - 09:39 PM
Amos 05 Dec 04 - 09:34 PM
Amos 05 Dec 04 - 09:33 PM
Amos 05 Dec 04 - 07:09 PM
Acme 04 Dec 04 - 10:54 PM
Rapparee 04 Dec 04 - 10:10 PM
Acme 04 Dec 04 - 07:14 PM
Rapparee 04 Dec 04 - 05:43 PM
Acme 04 Dec 04 - 01:27 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Dec 04 - 12:07 PM
Acme 04 Dec 04 - 11:38 AM
Amos 04 Dec 04 - 01:47 AM
Acme 04 Dec 04 - 01:25 AM
Acme 03 Dec 04 - 04:42 PM
Rustic Rebel 03 Dec 04 - 03:17 AM
Acme 02 Dec 04 - 11:50 PM
Rapparee 02 Dec 04 - 06:30 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Dec 04 - 03:25 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 05:38 PM

And while all that may well be true Hawk, like the theme from "The Flinstones," every real American knows "The Addams Family Theme" as well. It's this kind of thing that has brought us to the top of all nations and the last Superpower on earth. Only a nation with such a cultural heritage can serve as an inspiration to the rest of the world.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 05:14 PM

Your perfidious nature and low instincts never cease to amaze me, Spawk...

I have now listened to the friggin' Addams Family theme music...and...it turned out to be EVEN WORSE than I had feared!!!!   That tune has all the charm of a dead hog that's been ripening in the sun for a few days. It sucks like a black hole. I figure it may have been composed by Jerry Lewis or Wayne Newton or one of their most avid and least talented admirers. It's stupendously annoying. I thank God I was spared viewing the show in all its tacky wonder.

I have survived viewing "Three's Company", but the Addams Family might just have been too much!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 12:45 PM

NASA, Filterman, the picture came from NASA. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration. The boys and girls with the rockets and all sorts of neat stuff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 12:37 PM

huh! looks like it's burnin' ta me!

overexposed, but burning.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Filterman
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 12:34 PM

Please refer to Rapaire's post, which includes a link to a picture of the moon.

No, the moon is NOT burning up! Whoever shot that photo failed to ask me, Filterman, for assistance. Any idiot who's ever looked at the moon through even the cheapest, crappiest dime-store Tasco telescope knows that you have to use a filter! Why? Because, moron, telescopes don't just make distant objects bigger, they amplify the light coming from those objects. So, the light of a full moon seen through a telescope can be darned near as bright as the light of the sun seen by naked eyes. So, you have to use a filter to cut down on the light intensity.

But, what Filterman really wants to know is what genius drawing a far-above-average salary while working in a zillion-dollar observatory or on a multi-zillion-dollar satellite program doesn't have the sense to use a five-dollar filter before taking a friggin' picture of the moon?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 12:06 PM

Oh I gotcher gas right here..............

I dropped in to thank Bee Dub for wonderful verings for the Hawk, everyone's favorite broke-dick mamaluccaThe fact that he didn't know the tune adds more lustre to the title!

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 11:52 AM

It's AWFUL! The moon is burning up! Look and see for yourself! All we can do is shoot antacids and anti-gas medicines at the moon!

Perhaps Spaw can help?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 09:05 AM

Here ya go, dear RR!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 01:40 AM

I don't know what a mamalucca is. Something spanish? Spanish fly maybe? I don't really need to know though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 12:31 AM

Back to the top


Just being a little Freudian this evening


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 07:14 PM

Try this.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 06:48 PM

The question remains:

"Is it better to be a broke-dick mamalucca or just a bent-dick mamalucca? Or, is there really any difference? And, if so, is it of a qualitative or merely quantitative nature? And why did I say 'The question remains' and have now asked three questions? No, wait! Now that's four questions, isn't it? Five? Ohmigod! Stuck on a mental möebus strip again! Help! Which way off?"

Just calm down and make simple declarative sentences. Don't get all excited. It'll be all right. There, now. That's better, isn't it?





AAAAARGH!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 04:40 PM

Ah! The elegant solution. I'll do that. Boy, talk about your idiotic TV sitcoms...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 11:19 AM

Well, Little Hawk, get yore scrawny ass over to Google and type in "Addams Family Theme" and download a soundclip from any of the multitude of websites put together by imbeciles who have no better way to engage their computer expertise than to put together moronic websites about idiotic 1960's television comedies!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 10:56 AM

WHAT THE F...!

Imagine my frustration...I have absolutely no idea what the Addams Family theme sounded like, having never watched the show!

I like the poetry though.

So, it appears that I am stuck with the label of "broke-dick mamalucca", due to the kind attentions of that sap-headed simpletonian, Spaw. So be it. I can take it. I have Shatner on my side, and that is enough.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 09:20 AM

the rooster crows in my belly
and old hangout for the billiard cues of the morning
and table-hopping hail hail the ganglias all here
after sunset like a mouthwash last yesterlight
and the white tails of the gorilla on television
and that liberal politician stumping for twilight
       supremacy
down by that old
       shill
       stream
As I buttonholed the Ancient Auctioneer
how goes America going
                going


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 08:10 AM

Man, this is a cool place, and the poetry!! Furthest out, grooviest, coolest and most diggable poetry available today.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 03:44 AM

Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)
Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)
Doodle-dee-doo
Doodle-dee-doo
Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)
You might a want to see him,
He really is a scr-eam,
and if you want to meet him
it might a be arranged.
Because the Hawk is easy
and just a little cheesy
And did I mention sleazy?
The man could be deranged.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 12:46 AM

Cool! Like beatnick applause! Real gone!

By the way, we must not neglect to give credit to Catspaw49 for inspiring the broke-dick mamalucca pome.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 11:57 PM

Actually, it was "Doodle-dee-doo (click, click)"

(thumb off of middle finger--Morticia did it so well!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 09:24 PM

In honor of Little Hawk's return to the MOAB...

To the tune of the "The Addams Family Theme", if you please.


His name is Little Hawka
A broke-dick mamalucca
A real lame-assed Cannucka
He is fucked up, you see

A jagoff and a honkey
His best friend is a monkey
His room smells kinda funky
He is fucked up, you see

Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)
Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)
Doodle-dee-doo
Doodle-dee-doo
Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)

Bill Shatner is his hero
A man with talent, zero
We hope that it is clear, oh
He is fucked up you see

He has these alter-egos
Like Shane. They're his amigos
They go wherever he goes
He is fucked up, you see

Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)
Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)
Doodle-dee-doo
Doodle-dee-doo
Doodle-dee-doo (clap, clap)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 06:55 PM

Like Daylight Savings Time...inevitable.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 06:09 PM

He's b-a-c-k!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 05:55 PM

Adjusting a nautical battener
Requires a left-handed flattener
It's a very poor tool
In the hand of a fool
But quite deadly when wielded by Shatner!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 10:44 AM

Well, the guy I was supposed to contact there had an address at netscape.com. This made me a little bit suspicious, and I sort of thought that the mailing might maybe possibly be some kind of trick. So I didn't respond. Besides, I was only supposed to get a half million USD, and the nice man in Nigeria is offering me a lot more than that.

But what I did do was to send the Lotto winnings to that poor widow lady who is living in South Africa because the government in her home country imprisoned her late husband because he had been the Defence Minister of the National Bank who died intestate but managed to get all of the money left by the foriegn national who was killed in the plane crash into a special account before he died. I thought she might need the money.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 07:37 PM

Don't let the Homeland Security boys know you're getting mail from Orcs. Even if they can't spell it they know it's bad!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 01:33 PM

I have received email from:

CO.FIDGET LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL.
      INTERNATIONAL PROGRAM (NL)
      148,LADYBANK ROAD
      DERBY DE3 ORX, UK.

County Fidget? Is this like County Itchy or County Cantsitstill?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 01:11 AM

To da tune of 'o Christmas tree-

Odd Christmas tree
Odd Christmas tree
what globally disastrous thing are you emitting?
Repeat
You have a glow, that's warm and bright
You really make me itch at night.
Odd Christmas tree
Odd christmas tree,
I think I contacted a new disease.

Odd Christmas tree,
Odd Christmas tree,
Your balls are glowing and giving off, a strange orange glow,
Repeat
No matter how you make me itch,
my skin's falling off,
and now I twitch.
Odd Christmas tree,
Odd Christmas tree
You still bring a warm...glow to me.


I also think Sir jOhn has a limit, well beyond his means.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 10:22 PM

Fucker didn't tell us what the limit on the card is, did he? Wonder if there's enough for that Scheerhorn Dobro I keep dreamin' about?

Nah! Nobody'd give jOhn that kinda credit limit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 10:14 PM

Radioactive orange glowing balls to hang from your trees. They bring a special warmth and glow that will make your neighbors want some too.
Buy them today!
Use Sir jOhn's card-

Heloo, heres my credit caard number=
6749 6340 4331 1377
expiry date =06/05
and its a Capital One, Visa card.
ps. security code[last three numbers on back of card]=621

Thank you Sir jOhn.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 10:01 PM

Very near here is the Idaho National Laboratory. They make things at INL. Things like breeder reactors and stuff with alpha, beta, and gamma rays. Things that use radioactive wastes. Things that could make balls glow orange. Or puce. Or fuscia.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:48 PM

I think you could use jOhn from Hull's card. He gave his numbers out to anyone that needs to use a card.
That's what I would do. Yes that is what I would do if I needed anything at all.
Anything I say. The sky's the limit.
I want orange glowing balls hanging from my trees too. I think I will go ahead and buy a bunch of orange glowing balls. Yup.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:39 PM

Congratulations, Amos!

You have achieved post number 5300, and the claim form for your prize is in the mail to you. Please complete this form and return it as quickly as possible. As soon as our staff verifies your information, your prize will be on the way to you!

Please print the information clearly and legibly, and be absolutely certain that the credit card and bank account numbers are accurate.

Again, congratulations!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:34 PM

"Because I always try to get as many syllables into the very last line as ever I can!"

5300!!!!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:33 PM

THere once was a man from Japan
Whose verses would just never scan.
When folks would ask, "Why?"

He

would

always

re....



ply.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:09 PM

If Rapaire ends up with orange balls on account of all this snow, I want pictures.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 10:54 PM

Night skiing on the golf course. . . That implies snow is in your vacinity. We've barely had frost. So do you end up with stray orange balls in your yard as winter golfers play through? (Orange is best--it would be too frustrating to play golf with blue balls!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 10:10 PM

I put a small lighted wreath on the front of the house, put up some red bows (including one under the lionhead door knocker, so it looks like a bright red bow tie), and put a couple candles in the windows. Tomorrow I will run lighted garland around the door and put up the Christmas trees (we use two) and a dozen more candles in the windows. Maybe I'll put on of the trees on the porch, where we can see it from the dining room and anyone night-skiing on on the golf course could see it too.

Or maybe I'll put it downstairs.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm....

I like having the lights at the darkest time of the year. They'll all come down or be turned off on January 6.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 07:14 PM

I went so far as to pull mine down from the cupboard. Tomorrow a few lights will go out in the yard. I'm also contemplating baking some holiday breads and cookies. But before all of that, I MUST finish the box that goes to my Secret Santee.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 05:43 PM

I also posted them to the "j0hn's lost thread" thread, and then forgot and posted them on Mother. Oh well. I didn't write them, I don't do haiku, never have, probably never will. I "do" iambic Alexandrines, or systemic heptameter, or ever colonic irritations, that's what I do. Now, even tho' I am weeping sad and lonely, in exquisite pain from my infected tooth (root canal on Tuesday), a lone lorn child wandering through the blizzards of Idaho, clad but in a few fluttering rags, my feet staining the icy crystals with my blood, I must put up Christmas decorations so we can turn them on on Monday, December 6, the Feast of St. Nicholas, who would put candy in my shoes if I only had shoes in which to put candy.

The last time St. Nick put candy in my shoes was years ago, when I had shoes in which to put candy. He filled them with chocolate creams and gumdrops and humbugs and all sorts of wonderful treats and set them near the fire so that the shoes would be warm and toasty the next morning. They were, and they were also full of melted candy. We had to cut the shoes away in order to get to the candy, which of course we did because the candy was all the food in the house and the shoes were too small for me anyway and being made of papier-mache they weren't exactly the height of fashion.

So I'm going to go put up Christmas decorations for a while.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 01:27 PM

Are you kidding? That's the thing of legends, BWL. People are probably passing around the link to the story even as we speak. We laughed our heads off reading it here.

The sad bit is that those were really exceptional haiku that Rapaire posted and if they hadn't had to follow your story, they'd have incited a bit of discussion and copy-cat activity on their own.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 12:07 PM

Aw, c'mon! 'Tweren't that much of a story. It's just the sorta thing that happens when yer th' token old hippies in an area where most of the locals' family trees don't have any branches. It was probably th' first time ol' Zeke had met anyone that wasn't a cousin, much less a bearded pony-tailed weirdo who has ceramic demon masks hanging on all the trees in his driveway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 11:38 AM

Yup. Nearly brought us to a standstill!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 01:47 AM

I guess BWL's story was purdy hard to follow up, huh?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 01:25 AM

Still hauling this mother back to the top. Where is everyone today?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Dec 04 - 04:42 PM

That would be cruelty to animals. And that story is a tough act to follow. I'm just bouncing this back to the top and heading out to a holiday concert. Maybe I'll think of something witty to offer up tomorrow.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 03 Dec 04 - 03:17 AM

Now hold on a dog-gone minute.
Bee-dubya, I understand you had no love or compassianno for the dogs but that seems like a bit of mistreatment and I think I would have had to stuff the Zeke man in the carrier too.


Let the dogs fuck him while I drove him down to the local river.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Dec 04 - 11:50 PM

I'll clean up my keyboard and screen now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 04 - 06:30 PM

Uhuh. Yup. Sure.

Why didn't he just shove 'em both in while they were amorously encoupled? But to help you, Bee-Dubya-Ell, overcome this canine encounter, here's some cat haiku that was sent to me this morning. You know I didn't do it because 1) I don't write haiku and b) even if I did, this is better than what I could write.

Cat Haiku

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.
----

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.
----

There's no dignity
In being sick -- which is why
I don't tell you where.
----

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.
----

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.
----

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.
----

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.
----

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.
----

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?
----

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.
----

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.
----

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.
----

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.
----

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."
----

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Dec 04 - 03:25 PM

As some of you folks of above average deductive powers may have deduced, the "Zeke Floyd" posts made to this and other threads are totally bogus, spurious and fraudulent. Yes, I posted those messages! However, they are based upon fact. There really is a Zeke Floyd! I have actually met the man! I was so impressed, if that's the appropriate word, that I felt compelled to create a "Zeke Floyd" alter-ego and bring him to life here on the MOAB. Yet, as is often the case, truth is stranger than fiction and I am pleased to present the following true story of my experience with Zeke Floyd and his dogs.   

As I was returning from my latest road trip, I noticed two dogs, a yellow female and a black and tan male, on the shoulder of the road a few hundred feet north of our driveway. When I stopped to check the mailbox the dogs must have thought I had stopped to interact with them in some fashion because they came loping down the road and up to the van as if they were expecting something. Having no use for dogs, I told them to get the hell away. I then drove down my quarter-mile-long driveway to the house and began unloading a few things from the van. So, what should appear in a few moments, snooping around and scaring my cats? You guessed it, the very same two dogs. I again told them to scram, whereupon they ran about fifty feet away and lie down in the middle of the driveway.

Now, the road trip from which I had returned had been replete with dogs: my stepson's two exceedingly rambunctious half-grown Labradors, my parents' obsessive-compulsive dachshund, and my daughter's long-haired Chihuahua puppy which lives in her purse. I was completely dogged out and in the mood for feline companionship and these two strays had decided to take over my yard, sending my cats onto rooftops and into trees. It appeared that dogs had become part of my recent karma and that the karmic debt had not yet been paid in full.

I was actively bemoaning my apparent fate when I noticed that the yellow female was wearing a collar. "Aha!" I thought to myself, "A collar means an owner, so these are lost dogs, not strays. All I need to do is contact the owner and he'll come get 'em." So, I attempted to coax the collar-wearing bitch to me so I could see if the collar had a tag with the owner's name and phone number. She came within a few feet and I could see a brass nameplate on the collar, but she wouldn't come quite close enough for me to actually grab the collar and read the thing. We played the approach-avoidance game for about fifteen minutes until I was actually able to grab the collar and read the name "Zeke Floyd" followed by a phone number. So, I went inside, called Mr. Floyd, and told him where his dogs could be found.

Now, another thing I had done on that road trip from which I had just returned, in addition to visiting relatives with dogs, was to visit the Salvador Dali Museum in St. Petersburg, Florida. That brief but total immersion into the world of Surrealism couldn't hold a candle to the surreal scene that unfolded when Zeke Floyd came to get his dogs.

The sun had gone down and darkness was upon the face of the homestead. I was outside with a flashlight so I could make sure Zeke's dogs didn't decide to go visit some other fool's place now that their owner was on his way to relieve me of them. I heard a vehicle in the driveway, saw headlights coming around the final curve and was greeted by the sight, sound and smell of a mid-1960's Dodge pickup truck with rattling body panels and clattering valve lifters emitting a cloud of noxious oily blue smoke. The driver didn't turn the engine off, presumably because he wasn't sure the thing would crank back up if he did so. The driver's side door creaked open and Zeke Floyd himself stepped out into the oil-smoke-impregnated atmosphere, carrying a ten-foot length of manilla rope in his right hand. If you want to know what Zeke looks like, just go to the "Kenny Tague" post below, click on the picture link, and imagine what Kenny would look like if he were sixty-five years old and had no teeth. "Howdy!" I said to Zeke in my best attempt at neighborliness, only to be totally ignored as he lunged for the yellow dog which skillfully squirmed away from his grasp. If I had been entertaining visions of some kind of happy reunion between adoring, trusting canines and their loving master, they were quickly put to rest. It was obvious that the dogs liked Zeke a lot less than they liked me, which was none at all. "Dammit, dawg!" Zeke hollered as he watched both his missed target and its companion run off down the driveway. He then climbed back into his smoking truck, nearly backed it into my own much newer and non-smoking Dodge pickup, and roared off down the driveway, never having acknowledged my existence in any fashion.      

Well, I thought I'd seen the last of Zeke and his dogs at that point, but almost as soon as I had walked into the house I heard Zeke's truck heading back up the driveway. I stepped back outside, popped the flashlight back on, and there were the dogs again, having doubled back and given Zeke the slip. So a few seconds later the old Dodge slid back into the yard, Zeke jumped out and lunged for the yellow bitch again and, this time, snagged her by the collar. He proceeded to drag the whining dog to the back of the truck where he opened the tailgate and attempted to open the door of a plastic pet-carrier he had brought along. Since he couldn't let go of the struggling dog, I volunteered to get the carrier door open for him and, as soon as it was open, Zeke began trying to stuff the Labrador-sized dog into a the Spaniel-sized carrier. The entire operation was complicated by the fact that, during the time we'd been struggling with the pet-carrier door, the male dog had been overcome by a bout of lust and was busily screwing the bitch for all he was worth. Dogs! There he was, in a noisy, smoke-filled, tumultuous atmosphere, being recaptured by someone he obviously despised, and instead of hauling ass off into the woods where freedom was his for the taking, he decided to take the opportunity to knock off a piece while ol' Zeke held it by the collar. Talk about thinking with your dick!

Anyway, Zeke separated the two dogs, stuffed the female into the undersized carrier, and grabbed the black and tan male by the scruff of the neck. I was expecting him to tie the second dog to the truck in some fashion or, maybe, put it up front in the cab with himself. But, no, he opened the pet-carrier door again and began stuffing the second dog into the already overstuffed plastic box. He got the critter in there somehow and closed the door, but sardines in a tin have never been packed tighter than those two dogs were. Then Zeke got back into his truck, nearly backed into my own truck again, and roared off down the driveway, never having spoken to me, made eye contact, nor uttered a word other than "dammit" and "dawg" the entire time he'd been there.

And ya'll know this story's gotta be the truth 'cause I don't have a vivid enough imagination to make this kinda shit up.


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