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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 31 Mar 07 - 02:11 PM
Amos 31 Mar 07 - 12:54 PM
Acme 31 Mar 07 - 11:23 AM
Amos 31 Mar 07 - 11:00 AM
Rapparee 31 Mar 07 - 09:37 AM
Acme 31 Mar 07 - 01:36 AM
Amos 30 Mar 07 - 11:03 PM
JennyO 30 Mar 07 - 10:54 PM
Amos 30 Mar 07 - 10:41 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 07 - 09:28 PM
Rapparee 30 Mar 07 - 09:23 PM
Amos 30 Mar 07 - 08:48 PM
Acme 30 Mar 07 - 08:08 PM
Amos 30 Mar 07 - 01:06 PM
JennyO 30 Mar 07 - 11:24 AM
Amos 30 Mar 07 - 11:12 AM
MMario 30 Mar 07 - 11:10 AM
JennyO 30 Mar 07 - 11:09 AM
Acme 30 Mar 07 - 10:26 AM
Amos 30 Mar 07 - 10:17 AM
Rapparee 30 Mar 07 - 09:02 AM
MMario 30 Mar 07 - 08:55 AM
Acme 29 Mar 07 - 11:57 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 10:45 PM
Acme 29 Mar 07 - 10:35 PM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 10:33 PM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 10:23 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 08:55 PM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 08:51 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 08:47 PM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 06:04 PM
Acme 29 Mar 07 - 03:30 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 03:27 PM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 03:04 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 01:42 PM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 12:34 PM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 11:48 AM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 11:02 AM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 10:01 AM
Rapparee 29 Mar 07 - 09:12 AM
Amos 29 Mar 07 - 09:04 AM
MMario 29 Mar 07 - 08:45 AM
Rapparee 28 Mar 07 - 11:15 PM
Amos 28 Mar 07 - 10:27 PM
Amos 28 Mar 07 - 04:35 PM
Amos 28 Mar 07 - 04:33 PM
Rapparee 28 Mar 07 - 04:23 PM
Rapparee 28 Mar 07 - 04:21 PM
Amos 28 Mar 07 - 03:08 PM
Amos 28 Mar 07 - 10:30 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 02:11 PM

There are parts of this country where you can still be sent to prison for doing away with a Festus before its time. Imagine.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 12:54 PM

John-Boy Faustus, on a dare,
Made a deal with Big Rapaire
He'd withstand ole Satan's rant,
But Rapaire laughed, "Betcha can't!"

Rapaire said, with evil chortle,
"Secret words make men immortal!"
"Bring them wisdom, deep, all-seeing!"
"Going weeks not even peeing!"

John-Boy said, "Let's rock an' roll!
I'll start with one eternal soul!"
Satan thought 'twas pretty cool
To watch Rapaire draw out the fool.

He agreed with Rapaire's scam,
Said "Only you could flim this flam!"
Soon, ole John Boy had a deal,
Wisdom made his pore head reel!

He kissed Helen, late of Troy,
Overwhelmed was pore John Boy.
Endless rows of winsome bitches,
Endless insight, endless riches!

All the world lay at his toeses
He was wiser, then, than Moses!
Lined the ladies up and kissed 'em
Overloaded nervous system.

Soon his brain became eroded,
John-Boy's human mind exploded!
He became a German scandal,
More than one poor soul could handle.

Thrashed with pure nervous exhaustion,
Wished he'd acted with more caution.
Satan said, "You've earned your pay!"
Swept ole John Boy's soul away.

Gave Rapaire a bunch of ducats,
"Hell, the dough is free, so fuck it!"
"I'm above life on the level,
Why not grab dough from the Devil?"

Ole Rapaire felt rich and mellow,
Bought a home in Pocatello,
Some say he's an awful jerk,
For doing Satan's dirty work.

But Rapaire, with mien contrarian,
Says "I am but a librarian!"
"I do research through the mazes,
Digging long-lost magic phrases!"

"Who are you to give a fuck,
If I turn an extra buck?"
Not withstanding this rebuttal,
Locals planned his style to scuttle.

Planned and plotted, girl and fellow,
In the dark, in Pocatello,
'Til at last they brought him down
For plagiarizing Ezra Pound.

No more devil's gold he's spending
No more magic words he's lending.
No more ancient beauties kissing.
Gone mysteriously missing!

Dropped inside the penal schism
Doing time for plagiarism!
Stranger, pause, and say a prayer
For the soul of our Rapaire.

Wallace Beerbohm Sturgeon
Lost Tales of the Legionaires
Infinite Loop Press
Cupertino, 2001


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 11:23 AM

Sounds more like Festus.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 11:00 AM

The Fastus man in the West.   

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 09:37 AM

Big Johnny Fastus brought the tablets down from the mountain last night to the Legion Hovel.

No big deal; the drugstore is uphill from the Hovel and the Legionaires and Legionettes were in sore need of aspirin.

Johnny has been awarded the "Legion Lifesaver" medal for his heroic trek to and from Walgreens and his purchase of a jar of 1,000 aspirin tablets, enough to last the Hovel Habitues at least two weeks, if not less.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 01:36 AM

It's a snap if you're dyslexic.

era
ear
rea
rae, and depending on nearby words lending to the mix:
bra
eraser
abrasive
etc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 11:03 PM

It's understandable. It was not an easy era to get over.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 10:54 PM

Friends, Romans, countrymen - lend me your ears..

Whadaya got in that sack?

Ears!


(from Wayne and Shuster's "Rinse the blood off my toga")











I seem to be stuck in the Roman ear-a, for some reason.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 10:41 PM

One of those world-shattering prophecies like "DEWEY WINS!!!"?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 09:28 PM

And that's Johannes Fastus, not Faustus. Johnny Fastus is the Bugler In Chief and Dumb Majorette for the Idaho Legion's Banjo-And-Bugle Corps.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 09:23 PM

"Babar" backwards is "Rabab." "Flap" backwards is "Palf." "Celeste" backwards is "Etselec." "Flora" backwards if "Arolf." "Pom" backwards is "Mop." "Alexander" bacwards is "Rednaxela." "Tintin" backwards is "Nitnit." "Cheech Wizard" backwards is "Draziw Hceehc."

There is a secret, world-shattering prophecy hidden in those backwards words. I am not permitted to tell you (the last person I told was Johannes Fastus, and look what happened to him!) so you'll have to work it out for youself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 08:48 PM

Well, let's not make a flap of it, as Babar said to his son.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 08:08 PM

'ear 'ear!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 01:06 PM

Yes, but that was a Roman emperor. ALthough, I must admit, our own Judas Rex seems to be of the same mind.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 11:24 AM

Let me have men about me that are fat;
Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o' nights:
Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look;
He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 11:12 AM

"Good Americans are hefty...."

Ya know, I've seen some BS that is more BS than other BS here on the Mother of All BS. But this BS is the most BS BS I have ever seen, and that is no BS.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 11:10 AM

nope - that guys taller then amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 11:09 AM

Maybe these ears.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 10:26 AM

A few pounds of ugly fat

Your ears?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 10:17 AM

There are places to be proud and outstanding, but that is a matter for the Temple brothers to discuss. I'd love to shed a few pounds of ugly fat but I am attached to my ears and will not willingly lose them.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 09:02 AM

GOOD Americans are "hefty." Look at President Taft! Look at President Arthur! For contrast look at President Polk, who started the Mexican War, and President Lincoln, who started the Civil War, and "President" Bush, who started this stuff in Iraq.

Thin people are EVIL! They start wars!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 08:55 AM

It's not "eat more, excercise less"?

And here I've been doing my patriotic best to live up to that rule.

*sigh*


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 11:57 PM

The memo got garbled for much of America--'eat more, exercise less.' It shows any time you go to the mall (I was going to say "walk down the street," but that constitutes exercise).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 10:45 PM

UnAmerican, ain't ya? Tryin' to put the Diet Industry out of business! That will bring about the collapse of the American Economy and let you bring in your Commie Fellow Travelers who will put "Mr. Yuck" stickers on the Liberty Bell and do all kinds of Evil Commie Deeds.

Eat less and exercise more...never heard such Commie popagander in all my born days....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 10:35 PM

I'm working on losing a few pounds. I can't afford any of these fancy-dancy plans or formulas. I'm doing it the old fashioned way: eat less, exercise more.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 10:33 PM

I have been reviewing the MOAB's last thouand posts, and I have to say that you should all be proud of yourselves.

I mean, just on principle, you understand.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 10:23 PM

Great Day in the Morning!! This man is a Daniel come among us, a Daniel, I say.

Well, maybe just a Benjy or a Scooter or a Jeffy or Tommy or Harry. I wonder what his mother would think?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 08:55 PM

Here's most of what it says:

Hello my name is Dr. Don VerHulst, M.D., a Medical Doctor, Naturopathic Health Practioner, and ordained minister. I am blessed to be part of the FaithMeds™ Institute, which strives to develop health ministries all over the world.

Over the years I have worked with hundreds of patients, just like you, who have struggle with personal battles concerning their health. You may have one thing in common with my patients . . . your health problems are NOT YOUR FAULT! Follow me here and I will share with you some important facts that can change your health for the better, for the rest of your life!

Follow Me Here and I will share with you an important medical discovery that can change your health for the better for the rest of your life!

You see, like you, my patients did everything the 'other medical experts' wanted them to do but sadly, they weren't losing the weight long term. It just wasn't working.

That's when I tell my patients that it's time to choose to take personal responsibility for their own health. "Good Health Is A Choice", that you must make for yourself. It is your health and it is your responsibility. No one cares about your health more than you.

The best indication of good health is healthful weight loss. GlucoFree™ is the fastest and safest way to reach that goal that I have ever seen.

Our Standard American Diet (SAD) lacks many necessary primal nutrients. To compensate for this, our research scientists applied God's blue print for optimal health by developing highly effective supplements that help nourish your body as He intended.

We are only as healthy as our individual cells, FaithMeds™ Institute's supplements feed and restore your body, starting at the cellular level.

Due to recent advances in nutraceutical medicine, the choice of good health is now easier to make than ever before. Now we have better, safer alternatives to prescription drugs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 08:51 PM

But finding out what he has provided would be worth quite a lot. I pray you, follow ye link and report to us what is to be found there!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 08:47 PM

This is what one of the links below says:

God Wants You Well
See What God Has Provided For His
Children to Lose Weight Naturally!

I didn't click on it, mostly because I figger God has bigger things on her mind than how much I weigh.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 06:04 PM

Do not a liar AND a whiner be,
For such, abjuring truth, cannot be Free,
Teach then your daughters this, likewise your sons:
Lie well, or whine; but never both at once.

Antony Da Moufa da Weazel da Thoid
South Chimes, New Joisey
(Oral performance)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 03:30 PM

Sticking my head in for a quick hello.

I've been trying to get my computer to do something it isn't programmed to do. Tough thing, that. I bought a movie from Europe that I knew wouldn't play on the DVD player but thought it would play on the computer. Nope. And there are programs that are supposed to help with this, but so far they don't. Idiot film producers, trying to control the marketplace with these idiotic zones, but I bet they'd sell a lot more videos if everyone could see any of them.

Okay, back to work. And to occasional tinkering with the software.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 03:27 PM

Mom! Amos is using big words again! Words that only him and me know what they mean! You told him to eschew such banal utterances! Mom! Make him stop, desist, cease, halt, hold, freeze, conclude, terminate, and have done with such. Mom!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 03:04 PM

Either that, or your entire logorrheic spasm was. I am inclined to the latter interpretation, myself.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 01:42 PM

Ergo, Truth as a defense is illusional.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 12:34 PM

The Truth is ALWAYS a valid defense! As Davy Crockett taught me, "Be sure you're right and then go ahead!" The Truth will set me free! Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty/This is all you know and all you need to know! Truth is the silliest thing under the sun. When truth is nothing but the truth, it's unnatural, it's an abstraction that resembles nothing in the real world. Truth always rests with the minority, and the minority is always stronger than the majority, because the minority is generally formed by those who really have an opinion, while the strength of a majority is illusory, formed by the gangs who have no opinion—and who, therefore, in the next instant (when it is evident that the minority is the stronger) assume its opinion ... while Truth again reverts to a new minority. Truth is always a delusion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 11:48 AM

Then there is no excuse; innocence on the grounds of insanity has just been proven to be inapplicable. There will be a letter from Kantwee, Fugham and Howe along in the next mail, representing the interests of the Amos Anti-Defamation League.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 11:02 AM

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a supporter of George W. Bush. And I'm not going to put my hands there to be one. Let him use Laura.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 10:01 AM

There you go agtain.

Are you SURE you're not a Republican? Maybe even a secret supporter of W?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 09:12 AM

Mom, I unintentionally fibbed about Amos. He doesn't drink things like after shave; he much prefers Boone's Farm or Bartell & James, when he can panhandle enough money for some..


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 09:04 AM

Mom, if Rapaire lies to you should I say anything? Or would you rather let him make you stupid?

Just asking.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 08:45 AM

[[places Nice hot (freshly made from scratch by hand) pecan crumpets and a pot of Irish Breakfast tea; on a tray with lace placemat and a small vase of crocus]]

Good morning MOM!

I brought you breakfast!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 11:15 PM

Mom, I haven't posted here in a few hours because I wanted Amos to be able to revel in his achievement. It takes so very little to amuse him, you know, and I wouldn't want to "queer the do" (as the song says). Amos doesn't ask much, I guess -- a crust of moldy bread now and then, some methalated spirits or shaving lotion to wash it down with, underwear that's not been worn continuously for more than three or four weeks -- you know the sort of things he likes.

Yes, I know that he's been a bit of a disappointment to you, but then he's been a disappointment to all of us. So I don't see why we shouldn't let him have his little joys and pleasures.

Poor chap gets so very few of them....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:27 PM

Sigh. See, Mom? I'm the only one who cares about you. None of the others... OH! I'm sorry. That was plagiarism, wasn't it? I'll send a nickel to Pocatello at once.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 04:35 PM

And wytha flaire, he cryed, for alle to see,
"Now do wee alle sixteene-aight hunnert Bee!"


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 04:33 PM

"Then cryeed the Knight, "Nowe, bye mye bottle,
I do confesse I am an Axolotl!
Yea, 'tis truth, 'tis truth,
An ever I woulde speake ye sooth,
An vow I to you alle, I shalle not pander
In praying to become ye Saleamander."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 04:23 PM

That was from the Albert Greathouse Manuscript, what is left of it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 04:21 PM

Speaketh up Sir Amos bolde

Stronge his arm and axillae withalle

Sir Amos who with grontes golde

Did sore ycled and yield trallalle!

Sayethe he This doth become

Naughte butte a way to theel and thum

All dawn til duske doth beate a drumme

And I hath feeleth mickle dum!

Nonne answerd him nonne to he spok

Yet perchance a yonge afrited byrd

Didst gyre and snatche a frogge to croke

And swiven swan untille it broke!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 03:08 PM

As cruced yee Sonne across the towering Skye
To myne companions bolde I sayde, sayde I,
"Gude friendes, for Jesu' sake, then strive,
For wee are at syxtene and saevin-nynety-five!

"And fayne I woulde Oure Mothere Fayre uplift,
Ande unto Herre bestow the rairest Gyfte,
By gentle Spyryte and bye Helpin Hande,
To bring herre to Ye Seyventeen of Grande!"

Up spayke the Knighte, the bold Rapaire Yclept,
And said, "The land arounde I have beSwepte!
No Ennemie nor Hurdle lurketh there!"
And so assured us alle, Ye Bold Rapaire.

And thene stept Upp ye tender maiden Stilly,
Who blushing sayde, "An it does note Sounde Sillye,
I wille Myselfe to show here Any Manne,
That I in postes Out Number alle canne."

Thene chimed up Mario, a Manne of Emms,
Who well-reknownd was for Verse and Phlegm,
Ande kindly sayde, "Goode lasse, Bee note afrayde!"
Ande att her Feete, hise Posting Swourd he layde.


(These lines are all that remain of a much large parchment found in water-stained decomposed condition in an excavation recently performed at Outeback-under-Bog, a small village in Northwest Birdsex.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:30 AM

I wrote the purple ptarmigan.
I'm sad to say I wrote it.
But you can buy the farm again,
Just go ahead and quote it.

Wilson Puckerup Taimly
Kissing Cousins and Their Secrets
Wichita, 1953


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