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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 06 Jan 04 - 06:42 PM
Amos 06 Jan 04 - 04:43 PM
Rapparee 06 Jan 04 - 12:41 PM
Amos 06 Jan 04 - 09:52 AM
Rapparee 06 Jan 04 - 09:38 AM
Amos 06 Jan 04 - 09:00 AM
Rapparee 06 Jan 04 - 08:25 AM
Amos 06 Jan 04 - 12:01 AM
Rapparee 05 Jan 04 - 11:49 PM
Rustic Rebel 05 Jan 04 - 11:07 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Jan 04 - 10:59 PM
Amos 05 Jan 04 - 10:49 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Jan 04 - 10:26 PM
Amos 05 Jan 04 - 08:42 PM
GUEST,Rev. B.A. Dick 05 Jan 04 - 08:27 PM
Rapparee 05 Jan 04 - 11:01 AM
Amos 05 Jan 04 - 08:57 AM
Rapparee 05 Jan 04 - 08:31 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Jan 04 - 11:49 PM
Amos 04 Jan 04 - 11:20 PM
khandu 04 Jan 04 - 10:31 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Jan 04 - 10:23 PM
khandu 04 Jan 04 - 10:18 PM
Rapparee 04 Jan 04 - 10:11 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Jan 04 - 04:49 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Jan 04 - 04:49 PM
Amos 04 Jan 04 - 02:02 PM
Tweed 04 Jan 04 - 01:49 PM
CarolC 04 Jan 04 - 01:35 PM
khandu 04 Jan 04 - 12:28 PM
CarolC 04 Jan 04 - 11:33 AM
Rapparee 04 Jan 04 - 12:28 AM
khandu 03 Jan 04 - 11:16 PM
CarolC 03 Jan 04 - 11:13 PM
khandu 03 Jan 04 - 11:11 PM
CarolC 03 Jan 04 - 11:09 PM
khandu 03 Jan 04 - 11:07 PM
CarolC 03 Jan 04 - 11:02 PM
khandu 03 Jan 04 - 10:50 PM
khandu 03 Jan 04 - 10:44 PM
CarolC 03 Jan 04 - 10:30 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 03 Jan 04 - 09:19 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Jan 04 - 09:15 PM
Rapparee 03 Jan 04 - 06:26 PM
Amos 03 Jan 04 - 10:31 AM
khandu 03 Jan 04 - 01:08 AM
khandu 02 Jan 04 - 10:56 PM
Amos 02 Jan 04 - 05:25 PM
Cluin 02 Jan 04 - 04:42 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 04 - 04:28 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:42 PM

Amos, living as I know you do in a benighted area, librarywise, I have at great trouble and expensive prepared the Bludynez Manuscript for HTML posting. So here it is:


Ye Bludynez Manuscript or Palimpsest

on making ye defense et attacke.
Know that I, Simon of Rottinham, do yis dai put penne to papre and committ to riting all that I hast lernt of
defense et attacke during mi long and honirable careere in ye military armes. I do yis so yt ye info might not be lost to
the ken of mortal menne nor or mortal womenne eiyer. By doing yis I hast made it so yt ye-all will not have to
reinvente ye wheele, so to speake.


Know ye yt ye best defense ist ye good ofense, and take up to live as best as ye can to my stile of life, as e’en my gud wyfe doy say, Ye art ye most offensif wight who ne’er wiped shoen before y-comin in from ye mud and slyme of ye
barnyard. And yen she doth hitteth me with ye spyder, ye pot, ye skyllet, and ye pan. Learn that e’en being ye best
ofensif doth no always prevail, e’en tho’ ‘tis said to be ye best defens.


And take ye oeroes, and grind them fyne, and mix with 2 parts of oereos so ground 3 parts of sand and wette ye same wiy bullock’s blud sufficient, and ye wals made with yis most excellente siment or mortyr will withstand ye trebuchet,
ye oranger, ye mining, ye 175 mm goone howitzere and wilt, if mixes aright, e’en turn thy M1A1 tanke of Abrams.


And best for ye defensee when confronted by ye force superiore too one’s own, is to droppeth thy breeches, grasp thy ankles with thy handes, right to right and left to left, and laboring ahard at it, swingeth betwen thy own legges, and
kisseth thy arse goodby. Rember, yo, yat yere be no dishonour in running to fight another daye.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 04:43 PM

Rapaire, I take back all the nice things I ever said about you. You asshole!! ROTFLMAO!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 12:41 PM

Well, the Bludynez Manuscript is quite old. Maybe some folks were ahead of their time. The Manuscript was dated by the most scientific means, utilizing internal evidence such as spelling and grammar, paper watermarks ("Eaton Bond") and comparison with other manual Royal typewriters. All of the evidence clearly points to composition "a long time ago, maybe in the late 1960s" or a couple of years earlier.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 09:52 AM

ye cannonne gonne 175mm howitzerre.



Isn't there some sort of anachronism here? It don't seem right that some medievalist sapper or stonemason is gonna go around measuring cannonne gonnes as 175 mm howitzer, somehow. Millimeters? Narrrrr. Say it ain't so and admit what you done, Rap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 09:38 AM

But if you do that, you can't use them as morter to lay bricks.

There's an old recipe for mortar for storework, such as is used in castles and such:

Of sande, 3 partes
Of oereos well crusheed, 7 partes
wette wit the blud offe an oxenne until weel wetted and then use as you would any mortyr for stonnnes. Twil withstant the fury of ye trebuchette, ye oranger, ye minning, et ye cannonne gonne 175mm howitzerre.

This is from the Bludynez Manuscript, which is found in many public libraries throught Idaho and Maine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 09:00 AM

If you save the Oreos from such a fate you can throw them at cats like micro-Frisbees -- zawinnnnng!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 08:25 AM

If you fill a glass or bowl with Oreos and then pour milk over 'em you can eat them with spoon. Or you can mush everything up, let it dry, and use it to throw at cats.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 12:01 AM

Everything gets softer when its a day old in Florida, BWL -- even you!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 11:49 PM

"Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." -- Mark Twain.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 11:07 PM

Rapaire
Oh god like one. You have inspired me to search the meaning of my name. It came up 'Hebrew'. Now what the hell does that mean? He-brew his own beer? Then it should be She-brew. Does it mean Jewish? Does it mean I am an ancient Semitic language? BS- I want it to mean I am Goddess like and I'm stickin' to it.

I thought oreos were hard so you could dunk them without loosing your whole cookie in the milk. Of course, if you dunk them too long, you loose your whole cookie in the milk.

I am happy to say I am now feeling totally recovered after a strenuous 3-day, new years eve party. Thought those people would never go home. Did I tell you I'm never drinking again?.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 10:59 PM

But Oreos get softer when they're a day old! Well, at least they do in Florida. They might get harder in the Mojave Desert. I wouldn't know.

But, the good news is that the string of food-related topics has ended and we get to move on to more intellectually stimulating topics starting tomorrow! Yippee!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 10:49 PM

Maybe your Mom was buying the day old variety. Sometimes that freshness can make all the difference. And maybe they came from around the Love Canal. Ever think of that?? You don't know!! Trouble with chocolate cookies is you never know where they've been!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 10:26 PM

Tonight's episode in the "Still More Stuff That Has Not Been MOABed Show" is brought to you be the letter "O", and that subject is....

OREOS

Why is the chocolate cookie part of an Oreo is so damned hard? I don't mean "why" in the sense of "What makes them that way?" I suppose that's determined by the amount of shortening or something in the recipe. I mean "why" in the sense of "What friggin' idiot decided to make the damned things hard enough to break teeth?" More importantly, why have other cookie makers chosen to follow Oreo's lead and make their own chocolate cream sandwich cookies hard as rocks as well?

Try this. Go to the grocery store and buy a package of store-brand "assorted" sandwich cream cookies. "Assorted" means that you get some chocolate ones and some vanilla ones. Bite into one of each and you will find that the chocolate cookies are invariably much harder than the vanilla ones. Why? Where is it written that "Vanilla sandwich cookies shall be soft yet chocolate ones shall be hard."? Personally, I would be grateful for a chocolate sandwich cookie that can be eaten without causing dental trauma.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 08:42 PM

Reverend Being A. Dick,

First, thanks for your heartfelt sentiments. Second:

1. Message is spelt with no "i"
2. There is no such word as evilty or evility.
3. There is no market on the Mudcat for Propriety -- just ask those who have tried to impose some!

There-you can't say you've been ignored, now, can you??

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rev. B.A. Dick
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 08:27 PM

I have been spreading the word for years that thas world is going to hell. Few bothered to listen. Yet I have persevered.

There have been signs along the way to support my message. Indeed there have been signs.
Yet today, be it serendipity, be it happenstance...Nay,be it Providence...today I discovered the surest sign the world is quickly Hell-bound:

The Mother of all BS threads. Or "MOAB" as you blasphemers choose to call it!

I could not imagine such a display of filth in a public forum 40 years ago! Each and every one of you would have been publicly whipped or hung!

Oh, for the good old days!

Of course, in talking to you, I am casting my pearls before swine...I expect that you will turn and rend me.

But I am prepared. I have dealt with persecution before. It has never stopped me!

My messiage to you heathens is this:

Stop this foolishness immediately! Repent of your evility and turn this profane thread into "The Mother of All Propriety Threads"!!

Think of it...you will be a lighthouse to the rest of your Mudcat bunch! They will thank you, saying things like "It was that MOAB bunch...they showed us the way!"

The power is in your hands to forever change Mudcat!!

I will check in some time in the future to see what you have done with my message! Lord help you all if you ignore me!

Rev. Bernard Anthony Dick


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 11:01 AM

Ah, but my TRUE first name -- Michael -- begins with an M. AND it is so reflective of me, since in translation it means "Who is like God" or "Godlike" or "Like God."

Oh, so true, so very, very true....

(If you doubt that meaning, if you thing that I have fibbed or stretched the truth on this...check here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 08:57 AM

Rapire:

"Rapaire" begins with R, silly!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 08:31 AM

M hasn't been fully covered!

It's the most wonderful letter in the alphabet, too. It begins words that express such beautiful sentiments as Motherhood, Mother, Music, Mayhem, Madness, Murder, Manslaughter, Moose, Massacre, Money, Marijuana, and Magnificence -- not to mention Mudcat and MOAB itself.

And, of course, it's the first letter in my name. THAT alone would make it worthy of awe!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 11:49 PM

"Declined"? How can something that has yet to rise above the level of "festering ooze" possibly decline?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 11:20 PM

Has the once great MOAB now declined
To memories of spelling rhymes
With which their minds were hypnotized
When young, by Mad Ave jingle guys?

B-o
N-O
M-O
Bonomo!

O! O! O!
It's Bonomo's
Cannnndy!



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 10:31 PM

"N-E-S-T-L-E-S
Nestle makes the very best
Chocolate"

Seems like a moose sang the jingle.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 10:23 PM

Ladies and Gentlemen, a big round of applause for tonight's guest on the "Crap We Haven't Beat to Death on the MOAB Show"......

NESTLE'S CRUNCH BARS

Is the proper name for the item "Nestle's Crunch Bar" or "Nestle Crunch Bar"? Is the possessive "s" in there or not? Seems like I remember a jingle that definitely said "Nestle's", but I've been known to be wrong about far more important things.

Anyway, Nestle (or Nestle's) Crunch Bars were probably my first major addiction. Fortunately, I've been clean for around 40 years now. I kicked the habit cold-turkey when the price went up from ten cents to fifteen cents. It was tough making that mile-long walk home from school without the Crunch Bar, but, hey, I was a tough kid and no candy bar was gonna beat me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 10:18 PM

HAW!!! I am exhibit 32!! (For the eyes of Moabites only!!)

Poor bwl went into shock at the sight!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 10:11 PM

Khandu is an exhibitionist???


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 04:49 PM

Upon further consideration, I now totally recant my claim to have seen exhibit "32". I have never seen exhibit "32" in the past, I am not seeing exhibit "32" at the present, and I have no intention of seeing exhibit "32" in the future.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 04:49 PM

I have seen exhibit "32" and, let me tell you. it is not a pretty thing. In fact, if I'm ever questioned by the authorities I will deny having seen it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 02:02 PM

I would say neither insanely clever NOR cleverly insane but perhaps sadly mad. A sadly mad khandu!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 01:49 PM

Good Lord, khandarz has fallen over the edge once again. It is time for the ice water submersions coupled with simultaneously administered electro-shock. I tried in vain to locate Exhibits C,G,D,2 and 32 and their ilk but came up empty yet again. Unless.....this is a cleverly disguised code for a song's CHORD CHART!! HAW, in which case he is not insane after all. Insanely CLEVER PERHAPS BUT NOT CLEVERLY INSANE!!!

It is no wonder that myself and others of my ilk are only dukes and royal bottom wipers. Long Live KHANDU, KING OF ALL MISSISSIPPI!! Wisest of all rulers, leader of buffoons and cultivater of all things mad and unrulable.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 01:35 PM

No more flattop. Just CarolC the Strange Sailor Crapper Queen now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 12:28 PM

Hours in the planning!! Proudly introducing, without further ado. . .

THE MOAB LOTTERY!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!! YOU CAN BECOME THE OWNER OF OUR WONDERFUL MOAB MASCOT*! YES. . . YOUR'S TO DO WITH WHAT YOU WILL!!!
BE THE ENVY OF YOUR FRIENDS (if you have any)!!
BE THE BANE OF YOUR COMMUNITY!!
HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN WITH A PHOTO OF THE MOABITE OF YOUR CHOICE!!!
GET YOUR OWN COPY OF "kHANDU's LIST OF MUDCATTER'S I DON'T LIKE"!!
YES!!!
YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY!!!


for
details, have your credit card ready & PM any Moabite!
Contest not open to any Moabite, their families or loved ones, nor to Carol the flattop Strange Sailor Crapper Queen, nor to members of the Polka Circus & their ilk.(See exhibit "C".)


(The MOAB Lottery is not affiliated with any subversive group of perverted anarchists & their ilk, nor does it condone such sickening behaviour, unless it is done in good taste** by fellow Moabites & their ilk!)(See exhibit "C".)


*The Moab Mascot is subject to change at the discretion of any Moabite's whim or fancy. (See exhibit "2".)



**"good taste" is a loose term to be defined by any Moabite's whim or fancy. (See exhibits "D-G".)


A small substantial fee (to be defined by any Moabite's whim or fancy)is required for registration. (See
exhibit "C".)

All "exhibits" are property of MOAB & shall not be viewed by the non-Moabites & their ilk. (See exhibit 32)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 11:33 AM

You've got yours attached to a computer, Rapaire? Very interesting. Spaw keeps his rolled up on his 'Super 2000 Roll-A-Matic'.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 12:28 AM

You used a keyboard? Wow! Mine's attached to a computer.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 11:16 PM

How could anyone with any logic deny such hard evidence? I'm convinced!!!!

Kim C


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 11:13 PM

Third picture from the top. See that keyboard on the table there? That's where I typed it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 11:11 PM

Who am I to doubt Carol the flattop Sailor, the Crapper Queen???

Kim C


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 11:09 PM

You don't believe me, do you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 11:07 PM

Fancy that! I was the one who posted as Kim C!!

Small world, eh?

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 11:02 PM

Yes I did too post to it!!!!

Check out the post from flattop. That was me!!!

He asked me to do it, and I couldn't refuse.

(Nice dismount, don't you think?)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 10:50 PM

1800 posts in eight months! WOW!! That comes to more than 37 posts per month!!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 10:44 PM

Well, Miss Memorypants, you did not post to it!!

Kk


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 10:30 PM

I remember that poem from when it was first posted.

(JtS says I'm easily entertained.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 09:19 PM

Any sap that would freely choose margarine over butter would probably eat a buncha plastic grapes too...or a rubber banana.

CC


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 09:15 PM

Thanks to Amos for his eloquent post on the subject of Lorna Doones.

Now, regarding today's subject,

MARGARINE....

There is a brand of margarine called "I Can't Believe it's Not Butter!". There's another one called "Move Over, Butter!" I am waiting for one called, "Holy Fuckin' Shit! It Ain't Butter!"

That is all I have to say on the subject except to note that "margarine" begins with an "M" which is the 13th letter in the alphabet. That means that this stupid list is half-way finished. For that, I am grateful.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 06:26 PM

No word from Spaw yet. Uh-oh.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 10:31 AM

UHoh.....khandu dissin' Spawboy. Film at eleven!! UHoh.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 03 Jan 04 - 01:08 AM

While traipsing through the Mudcat archive, I came across this forgotten bit of poetry which I deemed worthy of MOAB!:


Subject: A poem by Spaw???
From: GUEST,khandu - PM
Date: 31 Jan 01 - 07:37 PM

This is exciting!
In an old curio shop in Memphis, I found an old magazine. It certainly wasn't the type of mag that I, khandu, would subscribe to; however, having never heard of it before, I purchased it. It was an oddly put-together mag, very limp. It was titled "LESSER MEN- the magazine for the not-so-well endowed". This issue was dated 11-79 and featured "Readers Responses".

I came across this poem near the front of the mag. It was written by "Anon. from Ohio".

It sounds like Spaw to me!

Spaw, you are a wonderful poet! You should share your poetry with your fellow Catters!

So without further ado, A Poem by Spaw:

"ODE TO MY PHALLUS

O Phallus, my phallus, why art thou so teeny?

T'would be a Prize, if ye were even half the size

Of an Oscar Meyer weinie.

O phallus my phallus, why art thou so teeny


They taught me much, they taught me well

To mine own self be true

To do my own thing

Alas, my own thing is much too little to do

O Phallus my phallus why art thou so wee

T'would give me much pleasure if thou wouldst only measure

At least two inches, or three

O Phallus, my Phallus

Why art thou so wee

I saw her there, so beautiful and fair

I was filled with desire

To stoke her lust into a bright flame,

Into a raging fire.

Sweet words, wine ,and poetry

Music so soft,

Surely that would do the trick

She giggled and tittered

Then she guffawed

"I've not even seen a candle with such a small wick!"

Have I angered the ancients, those powerful gods

Who created this kit'n'kaboodle

That they should give others such wonderful rods

And leave me with this pitiful noodle.

O Phallus, my Phallus

Why art thou so damned short!

The End"

I, khandu, of course, cannot relate to the problem expressed in the poem. Yet, I am moved by his sense of futility and inadequacy.

You are good, Spaw.

khandu


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu
Date: 02 Jan 04 - 10:56 PM

"The Khandu of Cookiedom!! "

I luvv this craked place!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 04 - 05:25 PM

LOL!!! You are the whackiest librarian (rampant, on a field mental) I have ever had the good fortune to know, man!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Jan 04 - 04:42 PM

and the operator says 40 cents more... for the next... three... minutes...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 04 - 04:28 PM

Amos is owned by Famous Amos, LLC or Famous Amos Singapore or Association for Morbid Obesity Support or a bunch of meteorological satellites or Andy or...hello. How are you? Put on that nice jacket? Why does it button in back? And my hands won't stick out of the sleeves. You'll wha


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