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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

GUEST,Constance Percival 28 Dec 15 - 06:17 PM
Amos 28 Dec 15 - 08:29 PM
Rapparee 28 Dec 15 - 10:21 PM
Rapparee 29 Dec 15 - 09:42 AM
GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River 29 Dec 15 - 01:01 PM
Rapparee 29 Dec 15 - 04:13 PM
Rapparee 29 Dec 15 - 09:16 PM
Amos 29 Dec 15 - 11:23 PM
Rapparee 30 Dec 15 - 10:07 AM
Acme 30 Dec 15 - 05:14 PM
Rapparee 30 Dec 15 - 10:08 PM
Amos 31 Dec 15 - 03:51 PM
Donuel 31 Dec 15 - 05:25 PM
GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River 31 Dec 15 - 05:38 PM
Donuel 31 Dec 15 - 05:43 PM
Donuel 31 Dec 15 - 05:54 PM
Amos 01 Jan 16 - 12:35 PM
GUEST,Don McBride 01 Jan 16 - 05:00 PM
Rapparee 01 Jan 16 - 09:49 PM
Amos 01 Jan 16 - 11:42 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 16 - 10:28 AM
Acme 02 Jan 16 - 10:39 AM
Amos 02 Jan 16 - 11:13 AM
Rapparee 02 Jan 16 - 11:58 AM
Rapparee 02 Jan 16 - 12:03 PM
Amos 02 Jan 16 - 12:25 PM
gnu 02 Jan 16 - 12:25 PM
Amos 02 Jan 16 - 06:11 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 16 - 10:27 PM
Amos 02 Jan 16 - 11:34 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 03 Jan 16 - 08:18 PM
Amos 03 Jan 16 - 10:08 PM
Rapparee 04 Jan 16 - 12:38 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 04 Jan 16 - 03:05 AM
Rapparee 04 Jan 16 - 11:41 AM
gnu 04 Jan 16 - 02:55 PM
Rapparee 04 Jan 16 - 03:45 PM
Amos 04 Jan 16 - 10:37 PM
Amos 04 Jan 16 - 10:37 PM
Rapparee 05 Jan 16 - 09:03 AM
gnu 05 Jan 16 - 04:51 PM
Donuel 05 Jan 16 - 05:20 PM
Rapparee 05 Jan 16 - 05:25 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 05 Jan 16 - 07:49 PM
Rapparee 05 Jan 16 - 10:48 PM
gnu 06 Jan 16 - 04:37 AM
Rapparee 06 Jan 16 - 09:45 AM
gnu 06 Jan 16 - 05:02 PM
Rapparee 06 Jan 16 - 07:43 PM
Little Hawk 06 Jan 16 - 08:29 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Constance Percival
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 06:17 PM

"crawl on your belly in the dust and dung while craving my forgiveness"

This, I believe, is what employees who have failed in some small way to come up to the required standards and expectations must do for Mistress Penelope and Master Winston in order to continue in service at Rutledge Manor.

Those who have failed in more significant ways, of course are sacked! In former times they'd have been flayed alive or beheaded, but various legal restrictions have been placed on the gentry in the wake of troublesome social movements. One hopes that the advance of corporate globalization will soon restore the working classes to their proper place of unquestioning servitude...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 08:29 PM

Insult the Great Plagiaree
ANd he'll demand apology
But should he err, the Plagiarizer
He'll leave yo sit there, none the wiser
With Rapp-wool pulled across your eyes,
And never does apologize.
Thus, in the Holy MOAB sessions
The accusations are confessions,
And Rapp confesses all, as such
By his protesting overmuch!

Quentiss Surly Snarlbelly
Chief Antagonist
Penn Station Men's Room Wall, 1957


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 10:21 PM

Frau Percival:

My family's pied a terre in Bavaria was Neuschwanstein Castle. While we were getting it back from Ludwig II (who claimed to have built it!), we used lesser homes such as Schlosslinderhof and Hohenschwangau when we were in Bavaria. Of course, we usually stayed home in Sigmaringenhof but one does need a bit of travel now and then!

You are quite welcome to come to any of them; I assume you are a chambermaid and won't mind helping out as needed. I can assure you of a bed, a washstand, a mirror, and a chair in a room with no more than four others. Being concerned about the welfare of our servants we had the stairs made at a lesser angle than usual even though it took up more space that we might have used for better purposes.

If you'd prefer, my wife's folks have some places in Ireland but they are not as spacious or comfortable as our places in Germany -- the sassenach, you know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 09:42 AM

LOVE NEST NOW HATE NEST!!!
Chimp and Chump Split!


Blind River, Dec 28 -- Local Shane "Shame" McBride and visiting chimpanzee "Chongo Chimp" have called off getting it on.

McBride was overheard at Tim Horton's complaining that Chimp is a "lousy lover and I mean the bugs, but he (if he is a he) isn't real good, either." McBride went on to say that he'd "had better in the lockup."

He also denied that the rift had anything to do with his older brother, Don McBride, returning to the house he owns after a month in Toronto.

Chimp could not be reached for comment.

             --Blind River Bugle, December 29, 2015. p. 1.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 01:01 PM

You flippin' LYER!!! I will flippin' kill you for this! You sayin' I been gettin' it on with a chimp???????????? With a goddam monkey???? You are outta yer flippin' mind you idiot!

- Shane (!!!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 04:13 PM

Shame, I only copied the newspaper report. But..well, okay.

FISTS, KNIVES, GUNS --WHATEVER IS OKAY WITH YOU IS OKAY WITH ME!
GYT, eye gouging, it all goes! Come on, ya coward!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 09:16 PM

Shame, you ever hear what Jack Slade did to Jules Beni? Would you like me to do that to you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 11:23 PM

If Rapp ever took on Chongo, you know how you would tell the combatants apart? The one beating his chest loudly and bellowing is NOT the chimp.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 10:07 AM

No, it'd be Shame.

I don't posture. It's flight or fight with me and it's almost always flight. In fact, I flee before danger threatens because it's easier not to get involved in the first place.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 05:14 PM

Whatever happened to simply fighting over which movies to watch over the holiday break? What is this talk of eye-gouging?

Lord of the Rings, anyone?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 10:08 PM

I haven't done that in at least a week, maybe two. It's pretty standard out here in Idaho, but good manners to politely return an eye, ear, finger, or anything that might have come off in the fight.

As for movies, we saw the "Peanuts" movie. It wasn't bad at all, Snoopy got a girlfriend (Fifi, a WWI combat pilot), and they reprised some of the classic stuff from previous movies/TV shows. Of course it helped that we went to the morning showing on a schoolday -- private showing! Quite enjoyable.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 03:51 PM

The year is choking and bleeding out in its final hours. It strikes me as a bit off, how much kafluffle this generates, really. All the same objects are persisting in all the same trajectories, instant by instant, after all. Making heap powerful magic out of one of those instances seems a bit on the superstitious side, no? Tribal, in a way. A sort of wide-spread Rain Dance or something.

But as long as we are insisting on counting up time in chunks, we may as well dance about it, I suppose. Little enough to dance about these days If we're so damn good at inventing celebrations to honor the tick of time, why aren't we good at inventing sufficient grounds for celebration?

Just imagine! "Big party!! We just eliminated emphysema!". "Buy champagne!! The rain forest is back on a growth curve!!" "Hand out the noisemakers, Charley! We had zero violent deaths this month!!"

But nooo-ooo. We have to celebrate the stupidest arbitrary in our collective psyches, Time itself. Really, it is pathetic!

Happy New Year, Mom!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 05:25 PM

Spoken like a fellow brother of idealism. As a left over of the WWII baby boomers I see little progress of educating everyone to the knowledge of how easily we as a species to being hypnotized and propagandized into the paralyzing expectancy of fear and tribal loathing.

As a professional idealist the recommendation of reasonable impoverishment for the better good and an abandonment of strong arm authority and the military Congressional Complex was more than an impossible sell. It was anathema in the eyes of the Jesuit church and the CIA and every common person with an ounce of greed. An ounce of weed was more persuasive to idealism than words.

The solemn gloom cast over the world blamed on unreasoned horrific terrorism is a seismic level 4 compared to the seismic level 5 of the murders we commit on each other by guns or simply ignoring the dangers of repeating our failures.

When you are in Time Square on New Years Eve 1970 you celebrate the crowd you are part of. Hundreds of cells of amateur music groups all with different voices and song.It has evolved to a spectator event and now the crowd is seen as a terrorist target.

TAKE BACK the night and make it what you want. If authorities ban the music of free souls do what Amos says, dance. BE FREE .

There is more to be hopeful for than regret. The true adults effectively out number the fear merchants. May we all learn how little we know in a true enlightenment and strong arm authority and negative hypnosis.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 05:38 PM

The flippin' greatest night of the year is fast apporchin'!!! NEW FLIPPIN' YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Don and our buddies are gonna get sooooooooooo flippin' drunk toinite that it will be EPIC!!! First the wet T-shrit contest at the flippin' Iron Horse! Then the beers!!! Then more bEERS! This is gonna be so great! I am gonna make 2016 the drunkest flippin' year of my LIFE!!!!!! And it all starts now!

- Shane, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 05:43 PM

Spoken like a true fellow idealist who naturally worries.

The professional idealists of the left over baby boomer generation of WWII know that the problem of how susceptible we are as a species to the lure of strong arm authority and Military Congressional Complexes.
I used to think if we are so easily hypnotized by the evil it should be easy to hypnotize for the good.

Then I found out that it is a hard sell to convince others that reasonable poverty for the greater good and all weapon production will suck the life from you, your family and the world.

In 1970 if you wandered around Times Square on New Years eve you would hear cells of music groups overlapping every twenty feet.
It was all about the crowd and you were part of it with friends or all alone. Slowly the Times Square experience was sold more as a spectator sport and now concert going ticket holders under extreme security.

Most recently the crowd is evolving into a unspoken mass fear of being a terrorist target.

Be free, make your own music, if authorities ban personal expression defy the authorities and dance like Amos says.

We don't celebrate just time but the possibility of Joy.
Happy New Year.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 05:54 PM

I intended only one post but touch screen technology helps me hit the wrong virtual buttons.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 12:35 PM

You know you're in trouble when your labor-saving devices start to ruin your day.

Bluster McFuzzdiddle says so.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 05:00 PM

Last night was awesome! But the place is one hell of a mess. YOU can't even imagine. The little brother had a bit too much booze and he is wishin' he was dead now. He keeps groanin' and sayin' he will NEVER drink again, eh? Ha! Ha! I hearn that one before. I am gonna go out on the town again coz I can't flippin' stand to listen to him wail and moan and carry on no longer. Besides, it stinks in here!

- Don


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 09:49 PM

Don, if you turned the hose on Shame it would help make the stink go away. Sure, he'd be angry, but you and I both know that he's a wuss.

Oh what a wuss we have in Shame-y
He is wussdom's biggest wuss!
Shoots his mouth off without ending,
He's just a wussy wussy wuss.
          --Old Ontarian Folk Song


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 11:42 PM

In the depths of Hawkster's psyche
Many mansions may be viewed!
While in Rapparree's dark heartspace
There are really just a few.
Hawkster's room are bright or faded
Some are purple, some are pink.
Rapparree's are dull and jaded
Smell of saltpeter and zinc!
Rapp's are clever rooms of knowledge,
Data flows in endless streams.
While in Hawksters weird cabanas
Weird creatures haunt his dreams.
Hamsters dance and wino tumble
Strange persona dance in need;
Rapp's few faces all are talking
Caliber and muzzle speed.
Should we send them off together
To some land of thoughtful style
They could hammer out their difference
On that peaceful, distant isle!
Let them there keep bloviating
Far across the briny seas
And leave Mom and all her siblings
Safe at home, at last at peace!

Winifred Torricelli, Songs My Father Forgot
Pullpudd and Bulroar, pubs.
Ghastly on Sight, 2001


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 10:28 AM

A thousand dollars was a lot more money then than it seems to be now. When we were growing up, a thousand dollars could buy a nearly-new car or be the down-payment on a house. And the prize in the decennial Adams County Cup sailboat race was a thousand dollars.

        We weren't the top-notch sailors that would be needed to win the race. We weren't members of the Bay Island Yacht Club, and we didn't have the hundred dollars non-members had to pay to enter the race. And of course we didn't have a sailboat.

        Nevertheless, Ted thought that we should try. He said that we could sail up to the starting line just as the cannon boomed the beginning of the race and then they couldn't stop us from racing. And when we won they'd have to give us the prize, because we would be the winners. We could pay the entry fee from the winnings.

        Naturally the boat would have to be built in secret, but it would have to be near to the water so that we could sail to the Bay easily. The Swamp, then, was the obvious place for our secret boatyard.

        The race was the second weekend in August, and we began building out boat in early March. Actually, we'd started in early January, making a boat out of snow. We thought that it would be faster than any other boat because snow is frozen water and we'd be sailing through water, so there wouldn't be any resistance to our boat and we could beat everyone in the race who had a wooden boat, or fiberglass, or anything.

        Unfortunately, our boat melted and we had to build one out of wood.

        Our keel was made from 2-by-4s we salvaged from an old house that was being torn down. In fact, most of our boat came from the wood of the old house. We'd walk to it on a Saturday morning when the people tearing it down weren't there and take whatever we needed from the pile of scrap wood. We knew that it was scrap because we'd ask them, and they had told us to "help ourselves to the scraps."

        It was too hard to bend the 2-by-4s into a curve for the bow, so we just cut angles on a couple of pieces and nailed them together. It was also difficult to bend the boards which we used for the sides, so we just sort of angled them too. The side boards were really hard to put on because they were so short and we had to use so many of them.

        The bottom was easy. We just followed Ted's advice and nailed a bunch of boards on without worrying about the outline of the sides of the boat. When they were all nailed in place we trimmed off what stuck out over the shape of the boat.

        Ted said that we needed tarred oakum to caulk the boat, but we didn't have any and didn't know what it was. So Tony and I stuck lots of dried grass and mud into whatever cracks and holes we found. Of course, we didn't use that on the bottom because we knew that it would wash out. On the bottom we put a nice, thick coat of concrete.   Tony expressed our thoughts when we said, "Let's see that wash away!"

        When the concrete had dried we stepped the mast. This means that we put it into the hole that the mast goes into and nailed it in tight.

        Stepping the mast wasn't easy, either. Our mast was the straightest tree we could find that was also long enough to be a mast, but was still short enough to work with. We finally used a dead tree about twelve feet long. It was pretty straight, too.

        Sails were easy. Grandma had brought some old canvas awnings with her when she moved into our house. We didn't use them and she said we could have them when we asked her for them. They were pretty, too: red and yellow stripes with scalloped bottoms.

        After the mast was stepped and the sails readied, we painted our boat. Ted painted his part green, Tony painted his part blue, and I painted my part yellow (to match the stripe in the sails). Naturally we didn't paint the concrete bottom because nobody would see the bottom unless we sank, which we weren't about to do.

        And then, one June afternoon, we launched her (boats are always referred to as "her"). Ted bought a bottle of Kayo Chocolate Soda to break over her bow as he said, "I christen thee" and he got as far as the "I christen thee" when we realized that we hadn't decided on a name for our boat. So we sat down and shared the soda while we decided on a name. We figured that the reason for a christening was to break the bottle, which was to see if the boat was built well enough to break a bottle on, and we didn't need to waste the soda if all we needed to do was to break the bottle.

        After some little debate, Tony and I convinced Ted that our boat should be called "Queen Anne's Revenge" (after Blackbeard's boat) instead of "Petunia." He agreed, so we let him up. We decided to call her "Revenge" for short.

        We'd planned well when we built "Revenge" because we built her along side of a stream. Mom was always telling us to think ahead and we had!

        Launching "Revenge" was supposed to be easy, since there was a stream close by and all. It wasn't -- she weighed a lot more than we thought! But after two days she was afloat, and we were glad school was out so that we could spend the time we needed with her.

        She filled the stream nearly bank to bank, and it wasn't possible to float her to the nearest larger body of water. We tried, too, but whenever one of us got into her her bottom came to rest on the bottom of the stream. So we tied ropes to her bow and pulled her along. We knew, of course, that we'd be okay when we got to deeper water.

        "She sure pulls hard," said Tony.

        "Aye, that she does, matey," I agreed nautically. "But when we've got her afloat and the mains'ls mizzened and the gunnells are off to larb'rd, why, blast me barnacles, but we'll be bending the sheets off the jibs'l!"

        "Right!" Ted agreed. "Whatever you said. Whatever it means."

        And then Ted said that he knew why she was pulling so hard.

        "Simple," he explained. "You guys coated the bottom with concrete. You had to leave rough spots, right? So what we need to do is to smooth the concrete and she'll just zip along! It'll give us an edge in the race, too!"

        "Hold it!" Tony exclaimed. "Right now the banks along the stream are six feet high. The water is six inches under the boat. I, for one, am not going to pull "Revenge" up the bank to work on her bottom, or try to dive under her with a piece of sandpaper!"

        "Come on, be a sport," I urged. "I'll hand you the sandpaper if you'll dive under the boat to sand the bottom. I'll even stand in the boat to help you when you're under her."

        "No!" said Tony, and I knew that he meant it.

        Ted said, "We don't have to do any of that. Sandpaper is just sand, right? And there's a pool of quicksand right ahead. It's deep enough to float "Revenge" so all we have to do is put her in the quicksand and sail her across to the other side. It's about a half a mile straight across, or about two miles if we drag her around the edge. So we sail her across, testing her seaworthiness with the voyage, smoothing her bottom and saving ourselves from dragging her an additional two miles!"

        "I dunno," I said.

        "I dunno," Tony said.

        But by the time we got "Revenge" to the edge of the quicksand pool we were all for sailing her across. The breeze was brisk and scudding puffy white clouds across a bright blue sky. "Revenge" floated easily on the quicksand, her green and blue and yellow (and brown and white and red and black -- we had run out of paint) hull brave against the green of the Springtime trees. We jumped aboard (carefully) and before you could say "Jack Robinson" (assuming you wanted to say it) we had the sails up and were skidding across the surface of the quicksand like a duck!

        And she worked well, too! Oh, sure, we had some few problems to work out but we knew that was to be expected on every new boat. And once we convinced Ted that the rudder really did belong in the back of the boat instead of at the bow, why, there
wasn't a boat to beat her in the entire Boogie Swamp!

        We lounged back, letting the wind do the work, listening to the grains of sand smoothing the hull of our racing sloop.

        "This sure is the life, isn't it?" asked Tony.

        "This sure is the life, isn't it?" asked Ted.

        "Why has the wind died?" I asked.

        And slowly we lost way and became becalmed in the middle of the biggest, deepest quicksand pool in the entire Swamp.

        "Now what'll we do?" asked Tony, after the wind hadn't blown for a couple of hours.

        "Let's eat lunch!" said Ted, brightly.

        "It's on shore. Bring mine back too, when you go get yours," I replied.

        "Oh," Ted said.

        "I know!" Ted exclaimed. "Mike's the best swimmer. He can swim to shore with the anchor rope in his teeth. Then he can tie it to a tree and pull us in!"

        "Let's let him swim to shore with the anchor in his teeth," Tony said.

        "Let's let Ted swim to shore," I said. "After all, sailing across was his idea."

        "There's merit in that," Tony agreed.

        "Wait!" said Ted. "Let's throw out the anchor!"

        "Why?" asked Tony. "We're not moving now."

        "Because then we can pull on the anchor rope and we'll be pulled forward to where the anchor is. And then we do it again and again until we reach shore!" explained Ted.

        "Great idea!" said Tony, and tossed the anchor about a hundred feet forward of the bow.

        "It would have been an even better idea for Ted to have tied the rope to the

anchor," I allowed.

        "Nice splash, though," Tony observed. "I wonder how big of a splash Ted would make."

        Time went by and finally I asked them for their shirts.

        There was a some skepticism expressed after I explained my plan, but since neither of them had a better one we put it into practice.

        I tied two pieces of wood into an "X" and rigged the shirts (I used mine, too) to it. Then I tied a short piece of rope to the front of the "X" and a weight to it. The rest of the anchor rope was tied to the middle of the other side of the "X".

        "How quaint," observed Ted, "a sea anchor. If a storm comes up we'll be thankful that we have it."

        But I threw it from the bow, not from the stern, and when I pulled on the anchor rope the shirts resisted the quicksand just enough for us to move the boat forward! After the first five or six tosses Ted and Tony caught on and helped. In another hour we were getting near to shore.

        "Has it seemed to you," I asked Tony, "that the boat is getting harder to pull forward?"

        "It has," he responded.

        "It is getting harder," said Ted. "There's a hole in the bottom which has been leaking for the last ten or fifteen minutes. I didn't tell you guys before because I didn't want to worry you."

        Boy, was there tossing and pulling after that! But the boat was getting lower and lower and harder and harder to pull forward, and we were getting more and more tired. Finally, Tony and Ted fell to the deck exhausted!

        "Leave me to the quicksand!" said Ted faintly. "I'm the captain and I'll go down with my ship."

        "Who's the captain?" asked Tony. "I'll be going down with my ship!"

        "I'm going ashore," I said, and stepped off of the bow!

        They jumped to their feet crying "He's crazy! He's jumped overboard!" and they rushed to the bow.

        And there they saw me, standing on dry ground and watching "Queen Anne's Revenge" slowly sinking by the stern into the quicksand.

        "Care to join me, gentlemen?" I asked graciously.

        We did salvage our shirts, even though they were pretty well used up, but "Revenge" slipped into the depths below a few seconds after Ted and Tony came ashore. She rests there today, part of the vast flotilla of vessels which have through the ages came to rest in Neptune's realm.   Mom was annoyed about the shirts and about us being late for supper.

        Even so, she made a wonderful dinner of potatoes: Yukon Gold and Purple Peruvians and Idahos and Reds and Russets and Maines and Irish. There was potato bread and potato salad, too, and lots of potato soup. Naturally, we drank poteen, and raised our glasses in a toast to "Queen Anne's Revenge."

        Mom thought we were drinking to Montezuma's Revenge and told us not to be silly.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 10:39 AM

I hope you're collecting all of those somewhere, Rap.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 11:13 AM

Well, of course he is! He's a librarian by training. How could he not?

So here we are. January has ALREADY slipped a pawl and lurched ito Day Two, and nothing has been done about the really important stuff. So I get the feeling the 2016 huzzah will probably peter out and result in another goddamned year of kvetch and haul, kvetch and haul.

What we need more of is victory, that's what! Victory over lassitude! Victory over neurosis! Victory over--dare I say it?--stupidness! Victory over irrelevance and fatuousness and addle-pated clunkerheadedness of all kinds!

Mom is surely our only hope. I exhort you all, as you value your spiritual side, and treasure your very freedom and your sovereign self-determination, to press on! Press on! To Victory!

Love,

Nelson


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 11:58 AM

Nelson? Nelson? Ricky Nelson? Ozzy Nelson? Harriet Nelson? Matthew and Gunnar? Willie? Nelson Mandela? Baby Face? Nelson's Encyclopedia?

To which Nelson do you refer, Amos? There's a nest of them rascals!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 12:03 PM

Oh! THAT Nelson!

A Ballad of the Good Lord Nelson

The Good Lord Nelson had a swollen gland,
Little of the scripture did he understand
Till a woman led him to the promised land
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Adam and Evil and a bushel of figs
Meant nothing to Nelson who was keeping pigs,
Till a woman showed him the various rigs
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

His heart was softer than a new-laid egg,
Too poor for loving and ashamed to beg,
Till Nelson was taken by the Dancing Leg
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now he up and did up his little tin trunk
And he took to the ocean on his English junk,
Turning like the hourglass in his lonely bunk
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

The Frenchman saw him a-coming there
With the one-piece eye and the valentine hair,
With the safety-pin sleeve and the occupied air
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now you all remember the message he sent
As an answer to Hamilton's discontent
There were questions asked about in the parliament
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now the blacker the berry, the thicker comes the juice.
Think of Good Lord Nelson and avoid self-abuse,
For the empty sleeve was no mere excuse
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

"England Expects" was the motto he gave
When he thought of little Emma out on Biscay's wave,
And he remembered working on her like a galley slave
aboard the Victory, Victory O.

The first Great Lord in our English land
To honour the Freudian command,
For a cast in the bush is worth two in the hand
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now the Frenchman shot him there as he stood
In the rage of battle in a silk-lined hood
And he heard the whistle of his own hot blood
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now stiff on a pillar with a phallic air
Nelson stylites in Trafalgar Square
Reminds the British what once they were
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

If they'd treat their women in the Nelson way
There'd be fewer frigid husbands ev'ry day
And many more heroes on the Bay of Biscay
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 12:25 PM

Bingo, bingo.Thanks to Mister Durrell--who wrote what he truly knew--and to Rapparree, who often does as well, sometimes! :D


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 12:25 PM

"ACUVAIL may blur your vision after you instill the drops."
No. Acuvail WILL blue your vision. Get yer shit tagether eh, Allegan of Markham, ON, Canada.

I am looking forward to having my eyes cut open and artificial lenses shoved in such that I will be able to see well enough to trim my stache and buzz the fuzz on my head. Um, well, the fuzz on the sides of my head... well, on three sides of my head. I got none on the front side of my head. Well, only on full moons, of course, but that's just for one night a month and, even then, only if the sky is clear or only partly cloudy. A lot of people think the hairy monster thing happens every full moon even if the sky is cloudy but that ain't so. Watch any of the documentaries and they all, to a one, clearly indicate that the moon glow must actually fall upon the afflicted for the phenomenon to be set in motion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDpYBT0XyvA


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 06:11 PM

IF my experience is anything to go by (with lenses, not lunacy) you will be delighted.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 10:27 PM

I have one going in on January 19; a measuring called an "A-scan" this coming Tuesday morning.

I will hold Amos to his word. If the new lens and the cataract removal do not make me see better I will expect a 200% refund of all cost involved from him.

Lunacy is not overrated. It gets you a job in politics, for instance.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 11:34 PM

Well, actually I was not talking to you Rapparree--I was speaking to Mister Gnu. I understand your sense of relevancy and continuity is a bit haphazard and grossly narcissistic, but not everyone falls into the same trap you call home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 08:18 PM

To them that got the spirit of adventure pumpin' in their veins, home can be found just about anywhere. In a tree. On a beach. In a cheap flophouse. In a fancy hotel. Behind the wheel of a fast car, tommy guns a-blazin'. Just ask Bonny & Clyde. Home is where ya find it, see? Cuz yer home is in yer heart. And if ya got a heart that knows no fear, then yer always at home.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 10:08 PM

Rapp stays home wrapped in the spirit of a denture.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jan 16 - 12:38 AM

I'd ask Bonnie and Clyde but they're dead. Just like Machine Gun Kelly, Pretty Boy Floyd, John Dillinger, Ma Barker's kids, and all the rest of those folks. Even J. Edgar himself.

Amos, I no longer need dentures. I've got implants!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 04 Jan 16 - 03:05 AM

You gotta find a good medium if you wanta talk to Bonnie & Clyde, Rap.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jan 16 - 11:41 AM

We have a large medium here (about 150 kg. and 4 meter tall) and a small medium (1.5 meters, 20 kg.) but no medium medium. Our large medium is quite expansive, while the small medium is a bit confined. I suppose a medium medium would be best, especially if they use a crystal ball or something. A medium medium medium, if you will, for the massage.

But I don't want to talk with B&C. I want to talk with J. Edgar and learn where he hid all of the photos and films, if Beelzebub will let him answer the medium medium medium's messenger.

Of course, Chongx wouldn't understand any of that, as s/he can only speak in Ook and throw poop and pee. Photos show that Chongx has lost both an eye and an arm and dyed her/himself purple -- making him/her a one-eyed, one-armed, flinging pee-pee purple ooker.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 04 Jan 16 - 02:55 PM

I live on Leeside Fuckin Drive, baby! I can see the street sign! It's green! I can see snow flakes! I can see pine needles! I can see pine needles waving in the wind! Right eye gets done Wednesday.

Hmmm... if I can see really good after these surgeries, will I start ogling the fairer sex again? That could be a problem. Not the ogling part but the stomping the primitive urges part. Nah... no problems. A lesson learned eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Jan 16 - 03:45 PM

"...and barbed wire in [your] underwear to head off disgrace."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 16 - 10:37 PM

Bravo, Gnuzer!

I went to a medium once to have my pee leaves read. She was a medium-large medium, and she looked at the leaves and started chortling with delight.

So I hit her in the face. My father always advised me to strike a happy medium.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 16 - 10:37 PM

Bravo, Gnuzer!

I went to a medium once to have my pee leaves read. She was a medium-large medium, and she looked at the leaves and started chortling with delight.

So I hit her in the face. My father always advised me to strike a happy medium.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 09:03 AM

Good for you, Amos!

My brother once stood in the land between the lanes of a highway and took off his clothes. He told the police that he was a median strip. The police told him that they had doubts about him, but then so did everyone who knew him. He'd studied classical guitar, for instance, and saxophone, because he wanted to combine the instruments into "a saxiguitar."

My brother was a little, hm, eccentric.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 04:51 PM

Holy shit Batman! This dump really does need some housework. But, it'll have to wait until my catterwrecks are rectified.

Seriously, I can not only now see traffic lights and stops signs and the grocery store aisle signs, I can see the bathroom sink. And, it's scarier than not seeing stop signs. >;-)

The good news? I saw the doc early this AM. 100%! And, I am now able to drive legally. Well, he did say "today". So, right eye gets sliced and stuffed tomorrow and then I see him on Thursday BUT he didn't say I could NOT drive my car tomorrow or on Thursday. That begs the question... drive and save $40 in cab fare on Thursday to get to his office or be a non-asshole and take a cab? Rhetorical question. Everyone knows I am an asshole.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 05:20 PM

Good for you Gnu. How long is the healing time for 100% benefits ?

Were you awake for the stuffing?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 05:25 PM

Found the music store from which I am buying my bugle has bodhrans in stock! And tippets!

Whatever would I do with seventy bucks?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 07:49 PM

Rap uses words like "pee pee" and "poo poo" a lot. This is either because he is in his second childhood....or it's because he never grew up in the first place! Ook! Ook! It's like listenin' to Jar Jar Binks whenever Rap talks. "Me-sa go pee pee in my poo poo! Me-sa not like! Me-sa have plenty guns. Go bang-bang! Me-sa ears hurt soooooo bad!"

Well, he will get some re-education after I am elected so's he can learn to act like a grownup human. Chimps with baseball bats and rubber hoses sounds like the trick to me, after he gets took to the padded cell he is so much in need of. A couple months of "the treatment" and he will be ready to return to decent society.

Maybe.

If not, then we go to the serious stuff! Anacondas, the fire ant pit, and banana-boarding.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 10:48 PM

What a pity such a lovely young lady chimp, Chonga, took it into her head to change to Chongo (better known as Chongx). What a pity the operations were left incomplete, allowing Chongx to "do" his/herself. But what a relief to Chongx!

The best solution at this point is either gene surgery or euthanasia.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jan 16 - 04:37 AM

Full "recovery" is anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks. Mostly, it's 1 to 2 weeks. Awake.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 16 - 09:45 AM

I had my eyes -- one farsighted, one nearsighted -- measured yesterdays for a stuff in the right one. I thought they'd use delicate instruments, but the technician used a metal yardstick. One of my eyes is longer front to back than the other.

They also assured me that I'll be given enough whiskey that I won't care that the doc will be poking me in the eye with a sharp stick.

I get stuffed on January 19. I only hope that I don't see such a mess as gnu describes!

(The left eye gets done later. It's not quite so bad as the right.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jan 16 - 05:02 PM

SOB! He was poking and proddin and the light started movin and I tried to follow it. Usually he says, "Sir, don't move." in a calm voice. When this happened, he said, "GARY! Where are you going? DON"T MOVE." I tried. He said, "Good." Then he said to the nurse, "Might need a suture here." Took of the patch two hours ago. Not near the same results and a lot more distortion around the incision. I'll get the scoop tomorrow morning.

Odd that the surgery today did not resemble the surgery Monday. I kept waiting for the lens insertion during which it appeared I was looking through jail bars. And, today, at one point, everything went dark (and he said it would). In the end, I was even more apprehensive than during the first surgery... as I am now with a right eye that's behaving wildly different than the left eye. I mean, me right eye is me shootin eye so ye can understand me trepidation eh wha?

See youse later.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jan 16 - 07:43 PM

Well, I can certainly understand THAT!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Jan 16 - 08:29 PM

Boy...scary stuff! Is this all about cataract removal and lens replacement? It must be terrifying to contemplate that. What do you mean about the 1 to 6 weeks "awake", gnu? Nobody can stay awake for 2 to 6 weeks.

Bulletin: Sad news at APP headquarters. It appears that a well-known Chicago Chimp named Big Albert has been found dead of multiple gunshot wounds incurred while traveling around selling vacuum cleaners door to door. The shooting incident occurred in Idaho. Police are investigating. Chongo said he was "shocked and saddened" by the news..... (exactly what politicians ALWAYS say)....but I think he's probably exaggerating. Big Albert was a totally annoying character, and will probably be missed by no one except his numerous creditors, who now have no hope whatsoever of getting any of their money back. The police say that this was a particularly vicious killing, and they are looking for a maniac...or someone who hates Chimpanzees...or both.


Big Albert


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